to really live

The GIFTS of faith, hope and love

2012-01-29T17:40:00.000-08:00

We walk with God the way we always do life: in our strength. We count on our ability to study Scripture, to serve, to drum up 'faith', to 'love'..to 'hope' against the odds..
and we grow weary.

Life was never designed like that.

To really live - and yes, it only happens when we first stop this ingrained habit of self-actualisation (remember the sinner's prayer which is really a prayer of relinquishment?) - we catch a glimpse of that..and O! the peace, the joy and newness..and then, sameness creeps back in.
It isn't that we are in the wrong church crowd. It isn't that our Bible knowledge is too weak. It isn't that others are making it way too difficult for us to love them. [though all this is true of course]

It is that we have lapsed -
back to trusting ourselves to live our lives well, right, good, pure
and it just cannot be done.

Faith, hope and love - are gifts.
We receive them as we slow ourselves enough to.

I think this is what I will say to my neighbour, who is not a Christ follower, but otherwise many ways like me (we like a lot of the same stuff, rant about the system...haha):
we struggle alike in many things: marriage, children, meaning..but there is just this one difference between us. At a time in my life, I met Jesus and he is in my life now. Indeed He is my life now. i am still discovering what that means..but i have seen now that because he is the foundation, the steady, my struggles give rise to
faith - i believe they are purposeful and useful, even though painful
hope - i have seen things change, get better, been startled even!
love - i keep being loved to love better...

All gifts and Jesus opened the way, qualified me to get them.

And all these are invitations for me to live totally different:
as a recipient and not as a rebel or engineer or critic
as rested not wrestling, weary, wounded (and licking my wounds and comparing them with others')
as resurrected not dying, dead or deadened.

Starting Clean n Fresh..and O how hard this is!

2012-01-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

There was a time
when it was simple
to start over
just kick the dust
shame the shame
grin
grit - and -
go.

But with years
and a tad of wisdom
It just aint so easy
no more

resolve
resolute even
and sutbborn, rutted ways that have made a home
tracked all over your soul
permanently marking you
belonging
to the
broken
wounded
helpless

and sometimes, it seems, hopeless...

as a friend once wrote:
all broken up and dancing!
new wineskins
new moves
new steps
new

not imagined
nor dreamed
nor aspired
but
written in
Holy Writ
"songs of joy for mourning"
"dance"
"praise"
"hope"

Your word or mine?
Your voice or all these other voices?

Jesus
set his face toward Jerusalem
for mission..perhaps (they can arrest him elsewhere couldn't they?)
but for worship - certainly - for the Great Passover is coming!

Where in the buffeting winds of demands
dark forecasts
possibilities
do I set my face? and feel the Wind?

"...carried by Grace, held in Your perfect peace.."

and Your solutions to daily needs
large challenges
fantastic Living
comes...

always has been
always will be
always must
You.

Come 2012, I am not alone.

2012?

2011-12-25T02:18:00.000-08:00

2012.
I am sure when I was twelve, I could not fathom this in any calendar.
But here I am, at the threshold of it.
it is a big deal - this passing of time. For it's a ticking of our heart and an inching towards the inevitable: our very own passing.

Today, i saw an advert for snail cream. You heard me.... to SLOW down (get it?) the signs of aging from acne to wrinkles.

Go ahead, look good, eat rich, travel wide, so much! But the inexorable force called Life and Death tugs at each of us daily and really, the direction is clearly marked. How can such a simple truism escape us? How can it fail to wake us to 'number our days' and pursue wisdom?

Because the Invitation to really live is daily drowned out by a well-thought and worked through scheme which surrounds, invades, cajoles, convinces us by the moment: this is all there is. So,

Take it all. If you don't, someone else will. Nothing is safe, no one is secure...take it now.

This mantra is there in pictures, words, sounds, voices. We seem unable to escape. It feels easier to succumb (nicely worded as 'go with the flow').

But then comes a precise point in time. When LIFE rent asunder this madness and denied its power and grip. When LIFE chose the lowly, unlikely, weak and un-esteemed...and whispers through the cold wind, the desperate cries of broken-hearted mothers and the fantastical proclamations of angels to those who could hear.....

Goodwill to men
Peace on earth
Joy!

Since that point in time, we have moved on - many moons, generations, wars and gods later..
and LIFE's invitation continues to ring out in the smile of a infant, the chuckle of a child, the mad dash of a boy let free, the embrace of lovers who know love, the hands that touch kindly, the old woman who prays daily...
each one a tear in the fabric of this tightly woven, suffocating, cloak of inhuman-ness.

and one day, it will be torn asunder and the Glory of LIFE will shine through full.

CHORE-deal countdown!

2011-12-09T19:00:00.000-08:00

We returned from Batam on Fri evening and leave for KL on Sun noon.
We have now done 3 loads of laundry in my 5kg machine that is missing a button but still works. We coz i set it up, Abi helped me sort the clothes, the machine goes and then Abi and/or Keith helps bring me the hangers, take down the previous lot...fold ...complete with --

"come on, you can do better than that"

"Keith, just think - everything must become a square or a rectangle ok? neatly now..Abi for goodness! show your brother how to do it....."
"Abi. i taught you all these things patiently..do the same for your brother!"

And God is on my side with sunshine each morning!

i just re-folded the lot Dad tried to fold ! Thankfully he didn't go all glum when i hollered

"i think i need to give you a quick tutorial on folding clothes"...He's at the PC - me tuned out?

It is easy to fixate on the back ache and the grumpy attitudes that inevitably surface..esp when the kids go on about 'hey, this is NOT my chore!'...but thank God's Grace..better ideas invaded my mind. So i slowed down, sat down and while foldng clothes, washing dishes or eating dinner, said.

" what do we do as a family?"
Keith: we help each other
"what do we do when we dont know how to help?"
Keith: we learn or ask someone to show us
"Abi?"
Abi: ya..(returns to her book faster than my next breath)
"i want us to be a happy, family where we help and work together. it is up to us to make our home clean, organised and a place of joy. And each of us needs to do our part ok?"

we pray for Grace.

But just as we are learning this...and they say it takes eight weeks to develop fresh habits..we leave for KL and if all goes as plan, we return to a nice clean home coz my helper would have returned!

THINK fast!

An opporturnity for growth and change must never be squandered....we will visit this in KL - how we have grown and how we can cherish and stay in the growth path.

CHORE-deal continues...

2011-12-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

A wave of weariness lapped up and i missed the convenience of having a live-in help. But the sunshine of regaining control, re-imagining family life perks me up each time...In fact, this little kiddy refrain competes with the Christmas carols in my head:
"this is the way i do the laundry, i do the laundry, i do...
this is the way i do the laundry, so early in the morning"

It's fun planning the menu, buying stuff, cooking it all up.
It's fun doing the clothes, putting them away, glad that my family is dressed in clean, sun-warmed clothes and the towels are soft and fluffy again.
It's fun reorganising things to make them more tidy and efficient
It's fun to plan on all the helpful gadgets i will get to help me go about the chores more quickly...that twisty floor mop, the power vacuum, the ...
It's definitely fun to watch the hubby chip in and bark the kids around a bit!

But this mountain we need to climb over in time: me being tired and the children maturing to understand that all this is kindness, collaboration, teamwork, home-work, and Love.

Interlude: Advent Meditation 1 (Chore-deal Log will resume...)

2011-11-29T18:48:00.000-08:00

A Quiet Morning

~ Season of Advent ~

Themes:

Longing

“how many of us share the longing of the ancient prophets who awaited the Messiah with such aching intensity that they foresaw his arrival thousands of years before he was born?

What am I longing for at this time?

Do I long for anything? Is it Christ – who is my Life? Or am is so full of plans, thoughts and ….stuff…even pain, that my capacity to long for Christ is squelched? And i live like the walking dead…going through the motions and resenting, ranting, griping when things don’t go my way?

Do i dare long for anything? Have i given up hope for change, newness, transformation because it seems i have waited so long?

GOD show me what is going on deep within me. YOU alone see truly, fully and with full love..

Welcome

“can we welcome and fully receive what Jesus and what he brings if we our hands clasp so tightly to so much?”

What am I holding on to?

Amazing how such small hands can hold so much: the past (glories and regrets), the offence, the fears, anger…ambitions…questions, doubts..

Did i not ask to hold Your hand? Where is it? why am i not holding on to it – fast and tight? When did i let go….was it because i was..

Distracted

Distressed

Disappointed

..and i let go, and began to fill my hands with all these other things?

GOD, pry my grip open. I don’t even know totally what i am able to let go. But i need Your hand that never lets go. I release my grasp.

You have laid your hand upon me (Psa 139v5).

Readiness for action

“Advent is expectancy…. and also readiness for action: watching for God to open a way and being willing to step in, risking everything… for a new beginning…”

Will I follow when He shows the way?

O GOD, i can sense You are at work. There are invitations. The wind of the Spirit blows..but i am so slow to rise and follow. Still so occupied to really notice. Shadows of my past lurk around… saying i can never be fully free, reminding me harshly of failed attempts..accusing me of pride, discontent – all working to force me to retain the status quo. Give me courage to believe, to see, to trust, and to follow.

Lead me on level ground (Psalm 143v10)

CHORE-deal Day 3

2011-11-29T04:13:00.000-08:00

"Instant Lagsana"..and then as i read on, it said "..bake for 45 mins"!. Drats! Dinner will be late and I have an appointment too...
So far, we haven't really had one of my afore-thought-through so very carefully, well-planned days.
Today, the kids who slept in the living room sofa bed and struggled to wake up..brother had a feverish feel.
We were meant to go for appointments so some quick decisions were required; which also included: can he eat his butter toast or would he prefer oats (which of course sets in motion a different set of chores ie. wash one more pot!). Thankfully, no, not really he says...
With the strong sun, i quickly sun his pillow and blankie (sun kills germs said my mom) and put the towels to wash. i was glad i woke earlier and most of the floor was already cleaned. Sister was set to clean her room with the Magic clean floor dry wiper. She was impressed with the dirt she picked up! [dont we all adore results!].

With brother unwell, my position on the superior value of home-cooked meals was sealed. O great, i have some stew left..macroni soup is always easy when you've got something to stew it in. Yum.

Most of post-lunch, i was in a meeting; but work from home meant knocks on the door...
"mom, sis is not sharing the book she bought"
"mom, can we watch TV?"
"mom, how long will you take?"

as well as me zipping out,
"sis, quick fold these clothes [imminent rain]"
"little brother, are you drinking?"
"hey, who is responsible for this mess?"

Then came the lagsana saga. Dinner was forty minutes late, but no one minded coz' they were all playing Wii....until I said, "Dad, can you help me with the floor cloths later?", "Who is setting the table?" ...and after dinner,
"O no! which sponge did you use for the dishes dear?!"

The house stands. My back is upright. There was some fray in motivation -- but we are doing ok!

The CHORE-deal Log

2011-11-27T21:04:00.000-08:00

Day TWO.
Abi is still complaining about how many chores she has compared to her five+year younger than her brother. But she moves it swiftly when told and true to her early childhood training does a decent job (trainer mom takes a bow).

Dad who self assigned dishes hit them with enthusiasm, washing up when breakfast wasn't over! Guess he had to leave already...

Mom has taken a deep breath and postponed the sweeping, opting for laundry (to catch the sun) and fixing lunch...after clearing the other half of breakfast of course.

Lil Keith left after breakfast to an unwelcome Chinese enrichment camp..and we have to wait and see where that leads him emotionally!

What is the value of manual work to you?

"The LORD GOd took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and take care of it."

So, it isn't exactly Paradise Lost when we need to wash, wipe, scrub, fix and ... *wink

Grace tracks

2011-11-11T22:26:00.000-08:00

GRACE, God tracks us who once sought Him.
This past week, what i have believed, written and taught came over me again - - and Grace works like strong relentless waves, crashing up upon the shore until it is clean. Lapping at the edges of faith until fresh sand, sea glass, seaweed contours...

I stood powerless, I who once fought and worked hard for my vision of the glorious...too tired to want to try anymore. If God only showed up when I was depleted, it would seem cruel. But no, i know He has constantly been around. i have a record of the wind blowing...but i really did prefer my way, my time, my outcomes...and so i had to fight till i tire.

And then, Grace still came around.

i want to take some credit: all the hours of trying, praying, buckets of tears...
does it matter? In the mystery of love and time, Grace gathered everything and mixed them into a healing potion. Will i drink this cup?
i sip tentatively... strength, hope, even warmth returns...

now i must note Grace's tracks and keep walking in the path set out..

Really Live !

2011-10-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

2012 half day quiet

2011-10-03T02:00:00.000-07:00

After getting some affirmation, i am going to facilitate Half-Day Quiets from 2012.
Yes, each month, i will welcome up to 4 persons to join me as i take us deeper and closer to Jesus.
To join me, you need to sign up and send along a small fee (i need to prep).

Each half-day Quiet will have these components:
- gathering and focus
- personal quiet
- re-gathering and sharing
- sharing around light lunch

Some months we will hold it in the newly re-landscaped Bishan Park (which is where I live)...coz the weather is real nice and cool.

Check back again for more details...and drop me an email at jenni.yt.hohuhan@gmail.com
if you are interested to come to one.

Thanks

Lesson from a little bird

2011-09-22T18:30:00.000-07:00

A welcomed distraction interrupted my ignoble thoughts (the poor me types.). from the window, a clear tweeting sounded. A little brown bird was sitting near the highest tree branch, looking around and letting out her beautiful, soul-lifting intones.

Bird sounds have always lifted me. As I took in her music and sense of equananimity, i recalled how as a young girl i would have said that God sent the bird to cheer me up. Did i believe that now? I hesitated – and then I asked why.

I did not hesitate because i doubted God’s love for me. Indeed, over the years and through many vales, my view and experience of God has widened and deepened. He is greater today than He was when I was twelve. Yet at the same time, I would not describe God and everything as if it revolved around me. I am content for the bird to be where it was simply because it was. I do not feel the need to explain it and lead the conclusion to my paltry self.

God no doubt made the bird and gave it its song. I am grateful for what the bird – one of God’s creatures – did for me, another of God’s creature. But there was no need for me to hack a fine trail insisting God sent the bird or something. In a sense then, i have matured. Children are the ones who see everything from the standpoint of self. It all begins and ends with self. But maturity means we accept that other people, and other dynamics count in a real and amazing way.

The bird, me, and whatever else is bound up in God’s love and it is far greater and more beautiful that I can perceive. For me to narrow it down to myself – no matter how sweet and faith-filled it sounds – is a lesser vision of biblical glory.

St Francis of Assissi, once a rich young man, disavowed all his earthly inheritance and took vows of poverty and traveled sharing God’s love is famous for his song that praises the created world. He found such a huge and wondrous gift in God’s creation that he called the sun and moon his brother and sister!

Our modern take on life is really to use and discard things. Often what is not useful to us doesn’t receive our attention (and that includes humans alas). We have the ‘delete’ or ‘trash’ icon on our computers and ipads to help reinforce that.

With this mindset, we insist that things are good or useful or God-sent because it served us in some way. We have lost the sense of wonder that comes when we remember we are created beings and that God is going to restore the world.

The birds are still singing out there as I write. If they are grateful and excited about the world, i think i should take a leaf from them and be content and expect good things this day from my Father.

travel notes: Ubud, Bali

2011-09-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

We wanted a getaway ie. to get away from what we have come to associate as 'life". So it must be somewhere different and will demand something different from us.
I settled on Ubud, Bali - a largely rural, highly traditional network of villages slightly north of all the more usual beach-tourist-city spots. The omnipresent expressions of folk Hinduism: carvings, flower offerings, small temples in homes and along the streets, were pretty overwhelming. It's like stepping into a whole reality.

The Balinese were gentle and nice...like many of their Asian coutnerparts who have not been pressed into the modern city mould.
We stayed in Tegal Sari which meant the vale of rice fields. We have a one room tiered ground floor apartment that opened to padi fields. It's a totally unSingaporean view!

Our four short days filled up with enough adventures...
watching piranhas tear away at a chicken
a moment with the wood carver
a driver who pretty much explained everything Bali to us
Dad & daughter climbing up a volcano hill to catch the sunrise
Keith making his own kite Balinese style..and boy does it fly!
Being harrassed by monkey at the monkey forest
Mucking around a black sand beach
& fending off 'can we have the ipad?' moments & those sibling spats ---

-- well...some things you cannot get away from...!

dreamers

2011-09-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

i keep returning to this.

we are dreamers

of an impossible dream

today

i read about missions

youths, adults, children -

scattered like salt grains in large plates of rice, wheat, millet..

flvouring

and preserving?

do you see the young man with his guitar

that young gal walking with the darker skinned sister

the streets mill

with people who don't see them or hear their message

but they stand, sing, speak

and do what they must and what they want

for they are dreaming

that impossible dream

made not

imagined not

attained not

by their sacrifice

tears, fears and weariness...

Yet Someone takes all of it

and mingles it to form miracles

and so, we dream

and

dream

and dream

on..

to really live means...

2011-08-23T17:37:00.001-07:00

Morris West

It costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightenment or the courage to pay the price. One has to abandon altogether the search for security and reach out to the risk of living with both arms open. One has to embrace the world like a lover. One has to accept pain as a condition of existence.

Source: quoted at herondance.org

A ! moments with God

2011-08-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

today as i head out to have some personal quiet..which s really hard since i was going to Macdonald's..but well, I have found a way to tune out the noises....and...i..i received the "A! moments with God". i tried it and found it very refreshing and easy to remember.
It is basically 3 parts:

Appreciate
- taking time to just appreciate where you are at, and not at(!), people in your life, and pray blessing over them. i also took time to appreciate God Himself.

Anticipate
- is being quiet and still so the noises of your soul emerges..and u listen to the tunes: is it playing fear, worry, restlessnes...? Ask the Spirit to point the way. our current state predisposes us to choices and consequences. so anticipating is both looking within and looking ahead. at times the Spirit wants to highlight what lies ahead in our path and grant us wisdom to navigate with sensitivity and courage...

Anchor
- in Scripture and prayer..continue with what u are reading or ask for a word...and lay down your defenses and choose trust.

There- A! moments with GOD. Enjoy yours and tell me how it has changed your personal quiet time.

today's discoveries

2011-08-16T21:21:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel glad that something you beleive to be true, a gut feel, a hunch, a sense...is verified or supported by
research
others sharing your view
a line in a book
actual stories baring it out
i do
and today, i discovered- at breakfast with a working-class couple: Singaporeans' average income as represented at a recent political speech is perceived to be inaccurate. They should average white-collar incomes and blue-ones separately.

- while reading on the internet: advertising can rightly be considered pollution and a form of imperialism writes Micah White; we live in a toxic culture that hurts us more than we realize.

- more ideas for the children on the internet such as seterra - a geography download full of quizzes to help them navigate planet earth! (Keith and I merrily clicked on Asia and filled out the countries)

- that being loved can be hard when you are not loving

till next time fellow earthling, human and friend!

O kids!

2011-08-02T06:13:00.000-07:00

Anger's seedbed
i don't really know where all the anger came from - i who author a book about happy kids, no less! But since he was able to toddle, it became clear i had an angry child in my home. He stomps on the bug without compunction. He swipes at the carer, he throws stuff..then come the fists, the words and those moments when he literally runs away!
Yes it does get tired and it's not easy not to dish out anger in reaction.
But hey, i'm the adult. Being angry is not a bad thing coz there are lots of things to be angry about in our world - and it may well take some really angry persons to set them right. i see justice-advocate imprinted on his little developing soul.
The seeds that carry a harvest of anger include: feeling powerless (if you have a smarty-pants older sister!), sensing ongoing frustration (how come i dont get to make the rules?), and sadness.
So i had to learn how to help him
1. recognise the different seeds
2. find the right way to plant them (express) or discard them
3. develop a problem-solving mindset rather than a victim mentality.

we have used
-colour coding at age 3 to describe levels of anger
- verbal expressions at age 3
-empathy at age 4
- self-control at age 4
- focus on the good at age 4
- scenario assessment & problem solving at age 5

The other day, after an outburst, he said "mom, i felt like half my heart fell to the ground..."
So i say, "how do we pick it up and put it back? wo can help?"
..."if we ...would someone else's heart fall to the ground..."

He got expression, empathy and problem solving..until the next day!

So far? Lots of friction and some traction. We made good distance but it's gonna be a marathon for sure.

my latest book!

2011-07-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

This is how the new book looks like. available at all bookstores and from Amazon. Spread the message of hope!

fullyalive?! will metamorph..stay in view..

2011-07-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

dear friends, after recently being duly impressed with some blogs and also realizing that blogging is a recognized work..i am pumped to give this home a makeover.
and Providence sent someone to help me - who tend to make machines go 'ping'!
so pls pray for the changes, for the writing, for the impact.
and visit in a few weeks' time, bring some friends and a cuppa and catch up!

thanks.
jenni

2011-06-20T17:57:00.001-07:00

Since young we watched nature documentaries. Before i could pronounce 'theology' i felt it... enjoy friends!

madness of faith

2011-04-16T02:53:00.000-07:00

what is this deal called faith?
a madness.
isnt that the way we describe and treat those who have
friends unseen,
conversations with the air,
sudden smiles that light up the face,
uncommon strength, resilience and
dogged persistence?

why i seem to keep ...believing things will get better
that perfection will arrive
that hope springs up
people will change I will change
Someone hears me
knows my name
holds my hand

sign your name friend if you share this madness --
your days filled with ordinariness and yet streaking with glory
you died so many times yet live and
you plan to live forever because Someone told you so.

perhaps this is where we differ from those who get housed
we share this madness.

each time i walk the streets

2011-03-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

each time i walk the streets

my heart tumbles as i see

lives, stories, minds, pains, longings..

our bodies are so smooshed on the train but

sharing air

nearly barely breathing properly

and yet

worse than strangers

it's like nothing is right next to us (unless he smells or make a noise or step into our space)

eating

buying

rushing

going

talking

looking

looking

looking

what is really real to us?

and Jesus - where is He?

in me.

in me?

safely tucked inside to be let out in church and cell?

in me?

trying to get out perhaps?

in me?

O Jesus, i dont hear and see the bodies all around

s'fraid i dont really see or hear u either...

so

now

what

marking Nanking - thoughts on a play

2011-01-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

nelson chia's third take on the massacre was n honest, caredul attempt. he cleverly tried to stay out of the way of a subject to huge and intense to be easily interpreted, portrayed or even referenced.
however, he comes short of a deeper, more engaging delivery; because as he honestly adnits, after looking and reading the materials for so long, he does get numb to it.
but as the audience i am not numb and dont want to be. he tries to steer awat from shock value but the direction he is trying to orient is in the end unclear.
perhaps he can rest and come back with fresh hunger for a deeply disturbing subject most of us reduce to image and newsbyte: power, evil, and choice.
would being informed by the philosophers give the piece more depth?
could we ask what the average Japanese was doing, feeling and believing until the atomic hell befell them? did these ordinary souls not have any power of influence?
i want to come away challenged and changed by art.
but the poser at the end was a math question that could not do that. i can easily distance myself - i wont be pressing the button to release the bomb - yes, 250000 lives here, 300000 lives there...
and it's still faraway..but evil instincts - o have u never ever delighted in dark deeds..., perhaps that's too direct for our postmod milieu; but that is what makes art powerful: it seeks the truth.
HHistory will have subjective bits; but the truth still stares all the same. humankind has a dark side that can consume us all - unless - we face it and bring it to light.

i look forward to version 4.

garden views as Christmas nears..

2010-12-23T20:20:00.000-08:00

Awaiting Christmas seems something we all know anything about Christmas does. We wait for the day - for..what? the parties, the gifts, the meeting-up-with-friends, or the obligatory family meals?

Since Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, then we await of all other 'waits', an encounter - with Jesus.

In the first Christmas* Jesus was born in a stable due to overcrowding and way too much activity to fulfill a political requirement. The conditions have not changed all that much has it?

But surely, if God became man, He must be looking for a home that is uniquely human - like each of our hearts.

So in the run up to Christmas as I spend time with Jesus, He took me on a tour of the garden of my heart.

The first thing i noticed were the weeds. How come so much and it all those old familiar places too...and some new corners they are spouting! Weeding is such hard work. I really wanted Him to wave His hand and like good Blu-Ray effects, have them morph before my eyes into more profitable growth...

Then i also saw some surprising blooms. One of them was called Stability. I knew i didn't know how to plant that one! If i am stable, it's more likely because I was afraid to move or at best had some vague convictions about staying... But the accents of red, fuschia and spring greens were astonishingly beautiful! The fragrance lingered long with me as i walked on...

Then a light fell all about me and the garden faded from view as I recognise afresh who was walking with me. He turned and said: "you are mine forever"..and then seemed to vanish from my sight even as i felt sure of His continued presence....

This morning, i gathered the kids, we learnt to sing an old song 'Thank you, jesus in my heart" in various languages, and made up a new one:

Jesus loves you and me
In our hearts He wants to be
His Spirit always sets us free
We love Jesus!

Welcome Jesus. Welcome Christmas.

*Christmas was originally a pagan festival date which the christians adopted as they wanted to remember the coming of the world's Saviour.

signs of acridity

2010-12-04T05:23:00.000-08:00

recently i surprised myself - alas in a bad way.
i signed my son and i for an art camp - three days of three hours moving, singing, inking, sticking..which was supposed to make us feel alive, give us great memories etc. We got there way too early so i let him do his mad dashes around while i try to take in what i can of the art and design pieces on display.
then i noticed it. a lady with her son came by; then another older Malay lady..and then we got to the area to register..and i was just totally lack lustre. no interest, no energy - not in the program as much, but in the people all around me.
i found myself sizing up the instructos and the other people with a nasty unfamiliar spirit of 'this better be worth all the money i paid". yuck! thankfully i did dive in and we had a valuable time. but mostly i did not succeed in shaking off the nonchalance toward my fellow human beings that morning..which made me wonder - and - shudder.
clearly love for your fellow beings never is a done deal.

vacation

2010-11-23T23:04:00.000-08:00

It's the time of the year when everyone who has any means talks about vacation. The standard Q is "where do you plan to go?".
Vacation - tours to hot popular places, getaways, family hols..sound sometimes pretty vacant. We go with our hearts full and return mostly the same.
Someone once said that we wont die from over-information. we will die from lack of appreciation.
What exactly about those places do we appreciate? Cheaper prices? Local cultures? Different foods? Cooler weather. We treat everything as utility. Go where it is useful for us - coz it's cooler, cheaper, popular etc.
I feel weary of this attitude. But I want my vacation too: a good rest break, a new scenery to rejuvenate my senses.. i dislike the mad dash for good deals...and now i have no plans and little funds (due to my toilet repair
saga)...ha!
Also, i dont think going to someone else's land and using all that resources (flight fuel etc) is really justifiable sometimes..since when did we get the idea we need and deserve these things?
What is it that makes our lives rich and full, meaningful and powerrful?
A vacation perhaps. Or perhaps the choice to NOT take one and give away to those in need...
What do you think?
O please - let's go appreciate what's before us first...!
Happy holidays!

my book is out

2010-10-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

Here is how it looks. You can find it at Amazon. If you fear shipping, contact BookDepositiry and enquire after it.

THANK YOU to all who believed and encouraged and prayed. God be praised and lives be touched!

write exercise

2010-10-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

wokay. my son will barge through the front door in exactly ten minutes.
i have not written anything of length for weeks! so here goes. a writing exercise - where i randomly and intuitively pull out ideas, words, feelings...
colour - i see black.
o dear. certainly not a very pleasing chromato-zone unless you are some artsy minmalist. Hmm, i wonder what it shows. Yes, there are some severe things going on requiring grave thoughts..
word - change.
who, what, when? One of the things i thought about this morning was Psalm 1. i thought of the time i read it slowly and spoke about its meaning and several youths broke down and cried...there was a part of me that wished they thanked me more. Caught! this needs change - the need for "thank you's"...surely NOT any indicator of humility which lies at the heart of true spirituality.
Yes, i am also longing for change. No one of us is happy with the status quo - within and around us. But change, at what pace, what price, by who and for what end, in the end? Change can arise out of restlessness, envy, pride or purpose.

OKAY, the son comes in..and asks, "who is home?" with a tantalising lilt.
i ask him, what colour are you thinking about. He closes his eyes and says 'red!'

I got to go. It's an emergency!!

calling, conviction, comfort

2010-09-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

As a teen, i was convinced by all the wonderful teaching i received that i needed to live out my life calling. it was the middle place between becoming like Christ and finding my role.

in my recent past, as roles and titles fall away and i entered a strange land where identity runs deeper, i love more by conviction, and learnt that my calling is not synonymous with an office (place/title/and even ourch - salary!).

The last few years of both expansion - from one child to two, having more mentees, and of focus - writing; kept me out of a lot of work that is forever crying out to be done: in and outside the church. Without a human boss peering over my shoulder, i experimented fully with living in step with the Spirit, which means to say 'yes' and 'no' not as a self-determining right but as a response to an invitation to greater discovery.

This necessarily changes my orientation, rhyhtm and even sleep patterns! I feel I have arrived at a place of comfort (not comfortable).

Coming up next it seems is a steely resolve to stay in this safe zone while taking new risks. Will I have what it takes to hold calling, conviction and comfort all together within my tiny being and see it expressed in a brilliant day-to-day lifestyle ?

CRI-ticise, -tique or Creative Construction?

2010-07-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

From the food we are served to the air of our society, we have and frequently air many grouses. To criticise really is no genuis' work. All it needs is for you to have an opinion; and we all have opinions - they can be a repeat of some other opinion or a little more layered with more of our self thrown in. Criticism is easy.

Then there is critiquing. This is harder as it requires that you have some basis and ground for pointing out the gaps and sticking contrary ideas to holes you find in a situation. Again in our day of self-importance and information overload, we think ourselves very clever when we do this.

But so far, none of these really make for real engagement and change.

Like when my son's kindergarten teacher said after my son cheerily greeted her, "Why such a nice greeting...but in class, move here move there...". I acquiesced. But now I am pretty mad about it. What has she done?
Based on her preference for order in class and perhaps some training she has about structure and learning, she has criticised and critiqued (?) my son but done nothing more. He is not built up, encouraged or aided to further insight.

I am not saying we coddle our children and protect them from the truth. But, how about moving on to Creative Construction? In this instance, the teacher can see the child as a 'problem' or as a 'gift' for her to grow her teaching++ abilities.

She can resist relying on her knee jerk response and sinking into her preferences to see that as the adult she can take charge and bring change positively if she wins the child's affection and attention.

Likewise, for many of us, complaning is the norm. Creative construction is hardly ever considered. How can we take charge, add value and reframe so that things can be seen more positively and thereby energy can be found to move forward.

I think of conflicts for example. We disagree, of course we do. But most of the time our disagreements are rooted in criticism and critiques. How differently things will be if we brought our ideas tentatively to the other/team and seek creative construction. Instead of an either/or, we may get both/and as an outcome.

Creative construction demands too much from us. We are too mired in our little puny cubby holes. It calls for us to make connection and find reliance on a meta meaning. So in the case of conflict, if we believe in the meta meaning that we can keep growing as persons; we can ask 'how is this helping me grow?'. This Q immediately changes our posture and energises us for creative construction. We can go on to ask, 'how is this an invitation for the relationship to grow?'. If we can agree on the meta meaning, we can hang our labels and badges on the higher hooks of purpose beyond what we can pursue - and humbly work towards a greater goal: and not just my way versus yours.

For my son's teacher, I want to say to her "his enunciation is great. why not work on his strength?",and "i am sure you are able to find fun ways to manage all these rowdy boys".

Let's see what happens next!

high school 'musical'?

2010-06-16T06:39:00.000-07:00

Last week was really fun. We had gone to Port Dickson to speak at a church camp, found ouserlves in a beautiful marina hotel..and i found old friends from my jr college days! Some of the memories remain fresh in my mind..
hunting for Lana choc cake for a friend
watching endless rugby matches
singing in our musical - the Vision singers i think we were called
moments of encounter with GOD at our fellowship (saints for Christ!)..

it's been two decades+ !... these few i meet are married, have jobs and walk with the LORD. am so happy for them all.

makes me think again of some others..precious individuals who touched my life. when can i get a chance to tell them?
we so often realise what people mean to us only when we/they have moved on..

today, people move even faster and more often. already my daughter has seen friends uproot, emigrate, change schools/church... and she is only ten. i am sure i never encountered any of that at her age. will it add to her rootlessness? or make her hunger for connection and intimacy and set her up for dangerous liasions?

I am glad she comes to me for hugs still. may my hugs never fail her. and my embrace and welcome never cease.

Tripping Point

2010-04-14T19:40:00.001-07:00

Many have read Malcolm's bestseller Tipping Point...very potent observation about life. It is true: life is made up of moments and the momentous - the one leading to, defining and blending in to the other.
There is one other way to see it too. i call it the Tripping Point.
This is the way we think that trips us up again and again..so we make very little real progress...
Some common TPs are:

someone we cannot forgive
a memory we cannot let go of
an experience we use to define life
stupid thought connections because we are hurt and in pain
bad habits

I have become very aware of these TPs in my life these past two years. i resented their exposure at first (thankfully it's a personal disclosure direct from Him) ..but hey who am i kidding? my kids, spouse and probably a few girlfriends can see me tripping up.....again!

Getting past these TPs?
1. recognise them
2. accept them but dont let them define you or your future
3. get help to respond to them in real time, quick time - a verse from the Bible plastered on your screens (of mind, mobile and mirror), a friendly once-a-month coffee date to check in, pulling back being quiet to face the truth, not running too fast!

Let me hear from you please.

For a steady walk and graceful gait!

self-confidence

2010-03-07T20:52:00.000-08:00

what is self-confidence about?
knowing one's strenghts?
knowing the sun-tzu outcomes of a given situation and how to navigate it to one's advantage?
knowing how to dress / speak / carry onself?

what is self-confidence? where did this idea begin?

when we are deeply honest about how unstable we are - our emotions can totally hijack us, our motives are often coloured by greed, fear and lust, the fervour of our efforts wane when the temperature rises... how can we speak of self-confidence ?

what is the point of it?
to feel good about oneself?
to prove something or someone wrong?
to make a difference -- and if so, for what?

When our selves get in the way, things just get murky.

2009-11-23T00:21:00.001-08:00

love nearly fade

2009-09-02T01:46:00.000-07:00

How fragile our love and loving is - when it's about warm, welcoming feelings of closeness, comfort and cosy-mosy fuzzies...imagine this, i almost, yes, lost love for my precious daughter for whom i have invented a dozen words of endearment!

She was so obstinate, so full of contradicting (me), so whiny...i was after her for hair pins, homework, music practice, meals...and all this after spending so much time as a stay-home-mom! something wilted within me. In fact we were trying to grow this plant which tested our faith to the limit by staying wilty - not alive, not quite dead...just a few minutiae of leaves at the end of its skinny two stalks - a perfect picture of how i felt.

O gosh, whenw e were in the car and the familiar whine went off, i just shut up. Cajoling was out. Threats were too tiring. But as i kept quiet, i could lmost feel the hum of the engine of my heart slowing down too! Like an early frost. Thankfully that sent shivers - and i shook myself and awakened to the realities that no doubt all good responsible parents face: the real possibility of relationships souring.

i hunkered down, wiped my tears and said my prayers. Then i got up and shook off my silly needy self and rose up afresh - a grown up, responsible for reining in my feelings and cultivating creative avenues for transformation. i opened the deep chest of memories and pulled out a few favourites and stared at them a long time until the warmth forced the frost to beat a retreat.

Then I stepped out again. We will grow through this - together.

coming together..

2009-07-08T01:12:00.002-07:00

Over and over i see them: people.
everywhere.
my heart beats and skips as i sense the cry for meaning, rescue and healing..
i pray, entertain wild ideas, and then over the months, i became convinced that we all need to become Foot Soliders. Yup, those that walk on the job or do the work on the go...
Chrsitians already know we are meant to 'go'....but we arent quite going...because:
1 we are so frightened; the postmod milieu does not make it easier
2 we worry we will fail get rejected etc
3 we dont know what to do
4 we are too busy serving in church
5 we have so many problems of our own

so we do the occasional thing: invite to events etc..which we all know by now does not produce solid disciples unless they are then carefully followed up...

two books i read - miles apart - gave me ideas: Treasure Hunt by Bill Johnson and The Insider by Jim Petersen and Mike Shamy.
i feel it coming together
i want to get ready to be a foot soldier

perhaps this is also why i sense so clearly God told me NEVER be busy filling up your days with actitivies one after another.. it gives me space to hear HIm, to read, reflect and to make time for others...

o i sure hope i overcome my own limitations, OBEY and rise above my own narrow horizons..and have plenty adventures to share...!!

2009-04-04T02:07:00.000-07:00

OVERHEATED PROCESSING
o boy
what a week..i did everything but write. not too good at all. so at least, before the week is over, here i am trying to write something!! this is very serious as i have two major datelines up which are totally ambitious...but in case you think i've been a major lump of inertia; i assure you not.
this week i had to process major thoughts and feelings relating to a major decision plus i am fed-up enough of our young people being preyed on and having their lives expended on surface issues aka consumer agenda; i have been thinking of forming either (1) a think tank to brin gback beauty, truth and wonder into all levels of society (2) a mutli-racial n religious group to combat advertising that is insulting to intellignce, offensive to moral sensitivites and degrading to men and women by reducing us to a bundle of nerves.

want to join me? sign up right here!

celebrate the ordinary

2009-03-01T18:56:00.000-08:00

i just found this lovely little poem:
The Patience of Ordinary Things
Pat Schneider
It is a kind of love, is it not?
How the cup holds the tea,
How the chair stands sturdy and foursquare,
How the floor receives the bottoms of shoes Or toes.
How soles of feet know Where they're supposed to be.
I've been thinking about the patience Of ordinary things,
how clothes Wait respectfully in closets
And soap dries quietly in the dish,
And towels drink the wet From the skin of the back.
And the lovely repetition of stairs. A
nd what is more generous than a window?
Source: Another River: New and Selected Poems

bad mom?

2009-02-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

Does every generation agonize over their parenting or is it just ours?
My son resisted and fought me this past week - he refused to go to his nursery class. Somehow, something had upset him and he changed from his usual extroverted, bubbly self to this scaredy cat the moment it was time to step into the large room they began their day.
I was of course frustrated on multiple levels: what will happen to my daily routine if he keeps this up? what is really bothering him; did something awful happen? what am i to do that will best help him and me? why is this happening to me?....
The poor fella tried his best to explain about some fear he has. Next comes the needful conversation with the teacher, and a strategy to move this whole uhappy experience forward in a way that will help him embrace changes and develop courage.
All this time, I felt a strange sadness with lots of tears to swirl it all around in...
Perhaps it's how we expect life to be efficient these days; but we really rant and bulk when there are surprises and challenges don't we?
We can try our darndest to be prepared but there will always be something that can threaten to take us off course.
I finally found peace when I sat down with a cup of tea and read my Bible and a book I had with me. Then I returned to the challenge feeling more clear headed and calm hearted and I saw I all that was on my side: prayer, asserting myself for my child's interest, the support of spouse and friends.
Phew. He still fights it; but we will win this small battle together and we shall both be stronger for it! Way to go sweet son!

when our logic fails us

2009-01-15T05:21:00.001-08:00

if we are honest, our brains often hit a limit. what is a brilliant, even heroic thought can be scratched further to reveal serious flaws...a moment of illumination can only bring light when subjected to hours of scrutiny. For example, the famous "how can God be powerful and loving if he sends people to hell?"
it sounds logical but then...begs several deeper questions, such as:
what does it mean to be powerful? what does it mean for God to be all powerful? what kind of power would that be?

Ditto to loving.

Just that today, we live so fast and have so much info overload we have learnt to tune out - and alas, we have successfully tuned out a bit too much i'm afraid. We land in quicksand security. Not solid, not stable, and really not safe!

We have got to be more than our coffee preferences, laptop model, fashion statement, even issue/campaign devotion. After all, we yearn for so much more!

what a start!

2009-01-08T17:23:00.000-08:00

on the 9th day of the new year and everything looks ... (complete the sentence for yourself!)
for the first time in a long while i went out for supper...early on new year's day. when we got back; we thought we would check in to see how the major cities are partying to welcome the new year (i still dont get why we do that?)...then we got the news: fire in Bangkok and soon enough... one of us has passed on..
i am sure parties are designed to take us out of the gloom and humdrum of life give us a lift, escape, sense of adventure and some kind of wishfulness...
But
within every heart and into every national psyche a fear has invaded us like never before.
i remember feeling nervous when i was 15 and people were talking about a nuclear holocaust.
15 years later, we have that possible threat and more.
*the invisible hand of price that the great economist promised would regulate things for us rational beings did not.
* it's not a few people in power that can press the wrong button and kill us; it's many of us killing each other today with compromise, corruption, hatred and vengeance

Naturally i shield these things from my kids or share it with them very carefully. No child needs to grow up feeling frightened and powerless.

And then yesterday's papers tell of grievous things that happen when our hearts are troubled: an abused child, a beat up youth ....right here in safe, sensible, practical Singapore!

we can hope these things do not hit us, that we wont be at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people..we can pretend we are not afraid and chase a wild time..we can rant and rave...

or we can grief for our kind.
look inside out hearts
look for help

and then we can party, truly party - for time is short; and life is worth living fully, freely and well.

ham-mock-plane

2008-12-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

no electricity & other thoughts

2008-12-07T22:46:00.001-08:00

On something a little stronger than a whim, we took our kids, 8 and nearly 3 to Cambodia for a short family vacation. The grandiose vision is to challenge the kids to appreciate life (urban and affluent in comparison)...ha, they had a frolicking good time - never mind the food was different and we did not have electricity so it was total blackness once they shut the generator at 9pm. I guess for kids, they feel safe and happy as long as parents don't panic!

For me though, the trip triggered off many other thoughts:

1. cambodia is 85% subsistence farming and living. THey do not plan ahead, catch, grow, sell, buy and cook on a daily basis. They are at the mercy of weather conditions and corruption.
Well, urban, city, plan-ahead, try not to fail, get the best deal Singaporeans are unable to get it. Sure it's a nice change, but it's not a way of living we can accept i think...a friend who lives there told me she gets blank stares when she asks the youths what they dream to do or become. Considering their way of life, where education is still fairly limited and village-based...what did she expect huh? [then again, we also get blank stares here] come to think of it, in my poorer days growing up, my grand ambition was to sell char siew rice...

2. i felt extremely burdened and lost about how these poeple would come to know Christ. i feel this way each time i see small handfuls of households in a dirt-track village...but as usual God surprised me. Missionaries have lived here and yes there are christians. easy to miss since the pagodas and temples are gilded palatial structures next to bamboo and straw and wood huts! and yes, i dare say these Christians display a peace and joy that quickly bonded us together - even thoughin our hearts we knew we are worlds apart in every other sense...and whatever our context, we must let Christ sit squarely on the throne and work out our faith from that centre. Not good for us to impose our version/expression/flavour of faith on these good people...! though er, they translated a couple of Hillsongs into Khmer already! Unity and Diversity!

3. there was a small kindergarten in the compound we were at. the kids had no books but rote learnt from the only teacher who yelled at them and whacked her cane to get compliance...one child was chewing on a plastic bag. the guide told us plastic has made its way and is affecting the rivers and river-life. The vision of progress in most poor areas is alas the unsustainable, consumer-crazy model we offer them...something needs to be done about this!

Finally Phnomh Penh is pronounced with the 'p' sound!! it's not silent - and i think the Cambodians are not either! may they rise up and make a new sound in our world.

to India - finally!

2008-11-17T21:07:00.001-08:00

after many years of wondering, i finally visited India last week. i have read about her, prayed for her, seen pictures, known people...but still, it was just too much to take in - and that when I was only there for three days and basically shuttled between hotel and conference centre.
the ride from the airport to the hotel took nearly two hours - it was 30km - a glimpse of the amount of human and automotive traffic that crowds the roads and streets.
the session i spoke at went uncomfortably. somehow i was not my usual extroverted self. i almost felt like apologising even though i had absolutely no doubt about the content of what i was sharing. i wanted to apologise for my abundance in contrast to what they had and will have for a long time to come. i was incensed to read about the factions and violence, and to see the pain of poverty in so many faces - drained of life and creative possibilities. in a land with only 50% literacy, i told my daughter, it is well nigh possible that the poorest are constantly misled and abused as they would not know better. i cried.
i am crying even now.

the airport we arrived in was new and it was small and simpler version of the early days of Singapore's Changi. the roads leading out were nice two-laned paved roads. i cannot help but wonder how much politilca will it needs to extend this same technology, funds and effort as those same roads radiate into a city that had no lane markings, very few street signs and a general lack of planning it appears. the city i was in was mild with small slums clustered right along the main roads. how can anyone with any power fail to do something to house, educate, feed, grow these lives? it completely baffles me.

i sat next to two Telegu women as i flew in and out of India. the both of them are married - arranged - and something struck me about them. they made no plans for their lives. it was something that happened to them: from where they live, to when they board the plane, to what's next.
Not us slick city ladies huh? we are so despearte to own and rule our lives.

i am going back to India - perhaps doors will open to essential change. i am going back - to open the doors of my own heart, to learn to let Life wash over me and lead me a little more.

2008-10-30T01:01:00.000-07:00

what u looking for?

away from city! and other ideas

2008-10-30T00:47:00.000-07:00

City life has become the epitome of power, prestige and pleasure. Bright lights, action, colour, hype..everything it seems comes from the city. So we keep flocking to form them, to be a part of one. it's a strange thing really. yes cities are exciting; but when it comes down to it, what human beings all over the world needs are food, friends and purpose. The city is rather a poor offerer of these things. So few jobs in the city actually produce food for example. I sometimes worry for Singapore since we rely almost completely for imports - to eat and just be alive.

I heard on the BBC that scientists with The Living Planet calculated that modern lifestyles will deplete earth's resources in 30 years! we either change or we better get lucky and inherit another similarly endowed planet.

Wow. i was driving my daughter back from school. i feel bad that at 8 years of age her carbon footprint is already so huge; even though we use very little air-con and the car ride is 10 minutes.
perhaps it's time for some radical ideas that will truly make the world a better place.

Everyone goes to a school nearby and walk - this means more exercise, more conversations and less traffic snarls.
Every product gets an innivation quota. Make no more than 5 new handphone models a year - this forces companies to actually make real innovations that count; not fancy footowork. We go for substance than sleek. We also work less crazy hours and have more time to live.
Every economy and industry submit a bi-annual audit of how they are contributing to the world's growth and health. - this makes coutrnies alrge and small think globally in more responsible terms and combats insular and short-term vision.

For a start: these ideas are really mad; but i keep thinking, why not? Who says that healthy = consumer confidence = spending?
Actually i dont feel very confident as a consumer these days: i dont know the quality of what i am buying any more! from whether it is safe to consume to whether it's truly worth my dollar...

IF you like these ideas, pass them on! Add on to them and write me!

to be fully alive!

on ze rocks!

2008-10-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

i cannot believe it!
well, every so often i love to read about writers and artists...lifted and inspired to rarefied heights by their words and works; i am stumped by the frequency these wonderful beings are described by biographers as 'divorced' or had had 'a difficult relationship'.
i wonder what the connection is that causes these seekers of truth and beauty to suffer relational trouble.
perhaps it is in relationships that we are confronted most acutely with truth and beauty - or the lack thereof.
For an artist, the lack is not merely icing on the cake. it is the cake!
is that it?

tell me your thoughts!

a portait

2008-09-08T23:54:00.000-07:00

here is the picture that looks back at me each time i get back to the lift lobby of the guest house i stayed in for four days in Bangkok. A friend who works there tells me that missing fathers and unfaithful husbands have come to be expected in many households.
So at first i had romanticised this picture and thought how much it made me miss my kids;
but the sad fact made this picture of a greater pain. True, where is the male figure in this picture?
What hope is this woman clinging to?

how to stop axing the education system

2008-09-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

Everyone hates the education system it seems. Parents complain, students complan, teachers complain.
First off, complaining is a really bad way to live.
But as a mother of a Pri 2 I get to come face to face with the system! My main line of thinking - after I did some griping (which bonded me quickly to many other parents; 'misery loves company' see) - was how to help my precious one live with the system in a way that made her stronger (and i dont mean academically).
i think the whole come out strong academically smacks of crass consumerism really. It's the old 'let's get the best out of it' approach -- and sadly, what is best is quickly defined as a resume. Sure, i can understand that we want our kids to do well, excel and have a bright future ahead...
but consider this: does it really help a child feel motivated and excited to learn if it's always put down to the bottom line of 'success'? does it really help the child aprpeciate the larger world and important significant people in their lives (ever heard: but teacher say...) when they feel conflicted and wonder if they fully trust their teachers who parents may speak disparagingly about? does it help our kids have e healthy respect and confidence to relate to figures of authority when we ourselves rubbish the system these people serve?
Yes, there are serious challenges in the system. My own precious one has had 3 form teachers in one year! Parents have reason to be in uproar. But i thought, i want to position myself as a partner to the people in the system. i want to engender trust, confidence and goodwill. i want our teachers to feel appreciated and motivated.
Naturally my precious one came home with the systemic gripe disease. I was tempted to play along...but then I decided to turn it to up my child's adversity quotient. I spoke to her about being adaptable, focused, and determined. Her success may be affected but it is not determined by circumstances.

if you are a teacher reading this, thanks! as parents we have chosen to trust you and i hope we honour that trust as we honour you. dont let us down.

ouch!

2008-08-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

it's easy to read and think about injustice, oppression, poverty, gender inequality...and then to start imagining that compassion is forming and i am becoming a better person.
so here comes the test.

venue: swimming pool
i gingerly dipped myself into the 1.2 metre pool, intending to just do a few breaths before i run out of breath...naturally i looked around the pool.
one end, a few rowdy kids. the other end, five women.two filipino and the other three were being assisted by them. one of the women clambered up the side and sat there. she noticed the scabs on her leg and started picking on them and rinsing them out into the pool.
okay! that was major uncomfortable for me. i did not come to swim in such waters. i felt my frustration rising. i had come already. it'd be foolish to just leave. But she was clearly intellectually challenged; so i cannot quite talk to her...finally, i walked over and surprised myself that i managed to calmly say to one of the filipino ladies, "please tell her to wash her wounds in the toilet, not here", and i turned and went back to my spot. i was still rather rattled and felt badly.

What would you have done if anything? would it have mattered to you? perhaps i am rather fastidious huh?

i believe that a more compassionate way was to go up and befriend these ladies. then i can speak out of a place of connection. but i let my irked self rule me and i may have lost an opportunity to bring some cheer to myself! after all, the two filipino helpers did not seem too enthusiastic about what they were doing.

2008-08-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

Here are 2 poems i got from a friend comparing the stay-home mom with the career mom. i added some bits to it as i felt the poems were unevenly stacked against the stay-home mom. Tell me what you think!

The stay-home Mum :
“I bumped into her at the supermart today
Smartly dressed in a grey suit by Dolce
Her name card said “Regional Director of Sales”;
I couldn’t stop staring at her immaculate nails.

She lamented that her work-hours were inhumane;
Promotion was the bonus; overtime the bane.
Somehow I sensed she wasn’t really complaining
In fact, I felt it was back-handed boasting!

She said she hoped for a posting to Hong Kong
Didn’t matter if husband or children wouldn’t go along.
I bit my tongue to refrain from the question
‘Is your family not at all important?’

We exchanged goodbyes and promised to meet up
Made mental note to Self – ‘Must put on makeup!’
For a while I wondered how it would’ve been like
If I’d too stayed at my job, slogging day and night.

I consoled myself I was the better mother
Why, I cook, bake, sew, clean and even tutor!
My children aren’t brought up by maids – Thank God for that!
But giving up my career – would I one day regret?”

And then I remember all the moments I’ve had
No one can pay me or concoct the brew--
When baby first turned over, walked and said ‘mama’
The many soul moments we connected and I knew I got through

I well too recall the things I do
I did not think I would or could -
Through all kinds of moods
The cleaning the planning the giving the loving
How I’ve grown up -
Beyond the economy

The Super Career Mum:
“I almost couldn’t recognize her today, you know
Good heavens, she really has let herself go!
The clothes she was wearing have seen better days
I swear she wore them when disco was the craze.

Her children were with her – the youngest was a tod
All four of them looked alike – peas in a pod!
For children nourished by mother’s constant presence
Their conduct and stature didn’t suggest excellence.

We could hardly talk, with all the din they caused
They kept doing things that made their mother cross
I said to Myself: I’m glad for my sanity
Not being at home is more than just vanity.

She once was rather bright, this homemaker mate,
It’s a pity she chose to let herself stagnate.
My life is more than just about my family;
At least I know where my abilities can take me.

That encounter confirmed what I’ve always said:
‘Staying home has no value if there’s no value-add.’
I’d much rather work – that’s what I excel in
Let my maid and tutors earn their keep and living!”

Or perhaps the system is all wrong
We have placed values where we can only be strong
But fear and weakness are good things in life
They drive us to seek, to find and to thrive

All of this life deserves some more thought
I need a vacation
Good thing - I can afford
I’ll sit and think through my options again
When I am near sixty what would I have gained?

life and life :-)

2008-07-12T01:48:00.000-07:00

the shape of things

2008-07-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

been thinking about shapes a lot.
with so much talk and dvertising about the way things ought to be shaped - the economy, the family, our bodies -- it makes me wonder. who determines these shapes?
for eg. i am generally supportive of capitalism. but the principle behind it: to capitalise - gets really out of hand quickly. who decides when something is maxmised or capitalised? whose benefit are we thinking about?
so back to shapes.
square pegs in round holes?
the shape of things to come?
what of the Now. what shape should my life, your life take?
some lives are like arrows; always directed at something. i respect their missional sense and drive. but wow..it's does get rather one-dimensional at times just to speak of bottom lines.
some lives are like circles; keep going around the same issues.
some are ill-defined it seems and appear to go with the flow...
There is a shape i'd like to explore more. it's the shape of two lines meeting to form cross.
i like it because life is meant to be lived upward or Godward. we aspire, dream, hope, work towards...
then life reaches out to be lived around-ward. without strong ties to poeple we feel close to, happiness just doesnt exist.
then the vertical line plunges downward. this is depth-life. where we dig deep into the why and wherefore of things. where we examine our motives, sense the movements within our bosoms..and ask probing questions so that we dont go through life like a phantom or facade. of course this only works if you believe you are a real entity (lots of persuasions actually dont believe this).
The cross-shaped life is a veyr dynamic life that is always reaching, responding, seeking and finding. Quite an adventure huh?
Well, i better get started!

needful activity

2008-06-30T01:32:00.000-07:00

I saw something that moved me deeply. It really was a fairly plain sight. I was driving to the library and was caught at a red light. To my left, Isaw a young man walking with an elderly woman ... his mother? He held a dandy shopping carrier in one hand; she held a walking aid - the kind that fans out into four small legs as it reached the ground. To my dismay, they turned the small corner and stood waiting for the light to turn green. To the dismay of the long queue of drivers now behind me, I stopped long enough for them to cross a full lane of the road before I inched slowly around the bend. She hobbled slowly. He did not hold her or even touch her; but he kept a half-step behind her and turned his body a little so he could see her steps. My heart warmed; and my mind swarmed with thoughts.
Why wasn't he at work? Where were they headed? They were not in the vincinity of any clinics (probably the most frequented place for someone her age). Perhaps a visit to a sister. The whirring of the world around stopped as I looked at the pair. One with a life ahead, one with most of her life now behind her. For him, life needed him to stride with the quick steps of an determined achiever; for her, life would often be an unsteady re-tracing of steps...but now, they walked together askance, slowly, slowly.
Here wasn't fabricated soppiness. He could be son, kindly neighbour, a religious affiliate. It didn't matter. He was there for her when she needed someone. He could be at the arcade, in the library, hanging out with guys, ogling girls. But here he was, in the middle of the afternoon, walking down Ang Mo Kio Ave 8 with an old woman; careful that she would be safe.
Now how many of us count that as worthy activity today? The steps they take are small and add not a whit to the grand wheels of economy. When I arrived at the library, there was much hustle. Students were decked out on every avaliable spae - in the cafe -- most of them around a basket of fried snacks and the fifty perent discounted cuppa. Busy with their own lives, and dreams, and apetites.
Being available for someone else. Not many of us count such needful activity today.

happiness

2008-05-15T02:50:00.000-07:00

what brings out a smile?
what puts that skip in your step?
what lifts your heart and spirit?
what helps you hope and dream again...
what makes you glad to be alive, to awake in the morning?

admittedly in light of the two major catastrophes in Myanmar and China, these questions appear frivolous. But precisely because life is fragile, we should ask what we find worth living about and for.

of course these questions can turn to self-indulgence and even self-pity. but there is an easy way to avoid that: ask those questions for someone else; and ask if you bring that smile, cheer and light to someone else.

if only we helped each other to live better, we would all die more ready.

exam stress

2008-04-24T03:54:00.000-07:00

OK there is more than one way for parents to be stressed by the kids' exams. the normal way is to get all excite-rated, take leave off work and hone the kids' examination skills. the other - my way - is to forget there are exams! haha. yes. my stress is not on the kid's results; but on my actual ability to have forgotten it despite written notes from the school principal etc. Well...perhaps i'm not too keyed into the system?

Overall, we are focused on learning new stuff as a challenge and having lots of fun. i think that's OK till the system squeezes us further. till then...i'll let this blog now what shape emerges ....

break free?

2008-04-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

it's with much sadness that i read the story of how a child prodigy finally broke free - only to find herself with licence and the very real burdens of staying afloat...imagine being in one reality for so much of one's life - more than ten years - in a regimented home without much exposure to the world. suddenly, she is in oxbridge and the one who would interpret life for one is not there. it is freedom, opportunity and chaos all at once.
pity the father who does not understand what life, growth, maturity and success truly means. pity even more this poor gal whose unreal world comes crashing down - and she does not know what to construct in its place....
it reminds me of another girl, a Singapore girl who established notoriety-fame by seeking to break the world record for having the most sexual encounters within a day. what would drive any one to do something like this?
i cannot be sure; but i do know this even within my own bosom - we are deeply insecure beings and re-anchoring ourselves regularly is essential to sanity and substantial living.
When we move too fast though; this may not occur at all; and we have many sad tales of the once successful become have-been-theres lose their bearings and their birth-right as essential beings in a inter-connected world. what waste. what travestry.
we hope. it does not happen too much. we hope. it does not happen too close.
but our hope is paper-thin and easily torn asunder. for some, like this gal, all the world she has known holds no hope it seems...
no, hope must come from beyond us. HOPE must be captial H.
we need something/someone stronger, deeper, more permanent and enduring to moor ourselves to. that's Hope. reach for it. write me and i will tell you Hope's name.

a toast to DO-ers

2008-03-03T23:46:00.000-08:00

when we think about change, we always focus on the external. i just spent some time at the singapore river contemplating the changes she has underwent - from a muddy silt filled disease channel to a fish filled waterway today. Most Singaporeans can viusalise the old days of lighters and bumboats and sweaty coolies hunkered under the weight of sacks of rice, coal, sugar, spice.
But as I read some of their stories i was startled at how they saw life. it was something to be endured. they had to plod on daily. there was no space for dreaming, no idle talk of self-actualisation.
How much has changed. And I am referring to our inner landscapes. Now it seems most of us think it our entitlement to be happy, fulfilled and entertained.
Of course, i do seem to note that the world is filled with two large groups of people: those who do and those who dream.
I belong to the latter, endlessly mining for greater meaning, romance and beauty. But woe is me if i ever think i am better, wiser, 'righter'. Indeed, it is often those who do, and do, and do, that makes our world go round.
I marvel at those who do, work, and come alive at smallest gifts: a friendly overture, a smile, a seat on the MRT.

Louisa May Alcott: Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations, I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.

Yes we must. We must also make our beds, greet our elders, sit for a while with a friend or a stranger..

feminine appeal

2008-02-21T22:51:00.000-08:00

I had wondered how i would raise my feminine child. Beyond the brids and the bees, there is a whole lot more to being girl-lady-woman. But today, she threw me off with her question:
"mom, why do the women do all the work?"
Thankfully i composed myself - for this is one of my personal peeves with many men - and prodded where the question could have arisen from. She has been watching the adults around her, and yes, what she has noticed; being a young girl who spends her life between school and home, is that the women are all abuzz with hecitivty.
Here was a chance for me to plant compassion, hope and truth, or to dampen her spirit with my own sorry complaints and pietous views of justice.
"Men and women have different strengths. The men work very hard too, but outside the home.... Each of us should work hard in our way"
"But so-and-so just...[she recounts a routine she is familiar with]"
"Some were not taught to do much cooking and cleaning.... Is that helpful for them and others?"
"No"
"This should tell you to marry someone who can also cook and clean huh?"
"O, i want to marry someone who can do everything so i can just play with the kids!"
(laughter)

still applicable: wrote this in 05

2008-02-01T06:13:00.000-08:00

Entering 2005, nearing 40..

How did our world become so broken?

Every which way I turn, I confront brokenness: lives embittered and hardened struggling to go on – with busyness, with alcohol, with apathy. Lifeless marriages and listless youths ensnared in the unending downward spiral of unmet expectations and confused emotions.
[08 update: in the month of January i befriended two mothers with woes in marriage and children. serious woes.]

We are a generation that can eat a global spread but remains hungry for the next new sensory experience. We are a generation that can learn at byte-speed but remain directionless. We are a generation that cares for the body with extreme extravagance but remain sick in our hearts.
[08 update: see for yourself]

And, now, suddenly, an earthquake - and - tsunamis – and some we love are lost without a trace. Others we could not care less about disappear into oblivion it seems. In the thousands! It seems even our physical world is in travail.
[08: thankfully only hard hitting rains and a strange chill so far]

We long for harmony, a zen-like quiet within and outside us. But Life has a way of shocking us. God has a way of shaking us out of our stupor of endless vanities and chasing after the wind. There are troubles within. There are troubles outside.

Desperate, i turn to God’s word for solace. Sometimes I come away with greater understanding. But mostly, I come away humbled by the awesome greatness of God and drop to my knees again to repent of the stubborn sins that are both private and universal: like trying to live the way we want. Like trying to gratify our desires without regard for others, and the environment. Like loving so badly and poorly…when people are what matters most.

Even as I write, there is a strong wind howling about. It reminds me of the fire of the Spirit of God that can blow and show up the hollowness in us that makes the wind shriek and curl in howls. O puny person, humble yourself. There is much you cannot control, engineer, conceive, anticipate. This is Life: God’s design – full of surprises that enthrall and also frighten – the gift of God’s breath; to be lived with, not apart from the God who gave it in the first place.

kid talk

2008-01-31T01:52:00.000-08:00

I dont brag about it but i am immensely proud of my two year old's growing voabulary. of course, most words come out rather weakly enunciated - but hey, the guys' only TWO!
He just got up from his nap and snapped out of his drpwsy stupor when he heard the whirr of blades! His favourite guys around the neighbourhood are near....those noisy grass-cutters. if he was wearing a kilt he would have hitched them as he scurried tot he window, saying 'hurry, hurry'..
wait a minute. i taught my son 'hurry'? o dear...here am i, convinced life is going by too fast, making deliberate efforts to slow down -- and my son is saying 'hurry!!!'. Hm.
i hope life values transcend vocabulary.

speaking of kids, a young lady was visiting with me and since she is involved in sociological research, i eagerly asked if she knew what contributed to the fact that young children and even infants in Singapore go to bed at hours that defy logic. i have actually seen less than year-old children being carried home, wide-eye at 11pm, probably after the day at grand's or nanny's !
My question is: we are subjecting our kids to our work schedule. In Singapore work comes first really....

happy NEW? year ?

2008-01-23T01:47:00.000-08:00

Hands up, those who feel like 2008 has been more of 2007. Today, i just felt somewhat disappointed at the continuity of life. Yesterday is somehow still around. So, I took a deep breath and considered the reasons:
1. some things go on
i guess this is something we must accept and embrace. Some things wont be new just because we plastered up a really swanky or inspirational screen saver on our computers. Such as my daughter's tendency to forgetfulness as she yaks away...i blistered and blustered at how she could misplace and totally not recall...but, she is still her! Perhaps somewhere, with all my grand ideas of change and renewal, i forget that!
2. some things will fade off
perhaps there are still lingering things from 07 that need to be cleared..eventually, the newer things will arrive....
3. some things call for deliberate make-overs
well, if we want 08 to be different from 07; we need to get specific. some things will clearly call for decisive and disciplined effort (such as that exercise plan).
4. some things will catch us by surprise
ah, life is more than happenstance; but there are times things simply -- happen! For me, it was meeting a divorcee whom i somehow care for; and somehow, that took a good deal of my emotional energy. So i had to review my energy management and consider my options..perhaps i am seeking to be more than i am called to be.

Silly me, I am in a new year, after all. There is much to accept afresh, anticipate, celebrate and expect.

the fridge repairman's corner of the world

2008-01-09T23:25:00.000-08:00

My really new refrigerator's ice-making capacity broke down. instead of nice cubes of ice timbling down, my ice tray sheeted over (too bad it's only large enough for a hamster to skate on). So, i had to call the repairman. I had figured that since the ice still formed, but it came out in a sheet; it had to be the hidden-from-sight ice-tray up to no good. True enough, without enough dismantling the device, the repairman plainly said to me that the tray has been hit and is broken. He had appeared at my door with a small defined box under his arm.

me: wah, looks like this is a common fault
frm: it is lah. people put coke cans and stuff so the ice tray bangs and breaks lor
me: how come cannot just replce the broken tray?
frm: the whole thing comes together. u keep the old thing lah in case one day you can use it again.

In under five minutes, he took out the entire device - the size of a small shoe box - replaced it and was writing me a receipt for nearly one hundred and forty dollars!
The we spoke some more:

me: u guys are paid a fixed salary is it? [i am thinking, how to be paid any other way if this is how things are fixed]
frm: yes, nowadays, everything is quite ...module. it's not like last time. even a plasma TV, usually you have to replace the whole part.
me: no need to really troubleshoot.
frm: i pity the old guys, today even a belanga (a chinese slang for an indian national) can do it - just have to know the part only.
me: yes i remember the old days, the TV repairman took out this whole board and was testing the tiny bulb bits..
frm: nowsadays, no need lah. all the training wasted.

by now, he is at the door, has his shoes on, and turns to leave as i wish him well.

I thought i saw something in his eyes. A sort of sadness that life has become so 'easy'. I wonder what it meant to a man's pride --when machines design things by portions and he cannot creatively resolve a problem. A bit of dumbing down is happening here - in our very progressive world!
And yes, pity the older generation who rightly bemoans that it is they who know the real stuff.

What?! NO work?

2007-12-30T17:10:00.000-08:00

I got a call from a older woman in my profession one day. It was to talk shop (of course). Since i felt some connection with her, I ventured to share that I will be quitting work at year's end. I appreciate her concern, but her immediate, snap response to me was: what are you going to do?
Do-ing is such a huge part of our lives that i guess my plan to stop work sounds really airy at best. Yes, what am i going to DO indeed?!
Actually there's plenty being done all the time - waking to the day, talking to a neighbour, feeding a stray, reading a good book, writing to waive that parking fine (haha), minding the kids...caring for the older ones... but i guess these are not 'jobs'.
She immediately offered me a position with the attendant, 'grab it while it's good' overtures.
I have never been worried about not finding something to do; being paid for it is another story!!
But so far Providence has seen to it that i have enough to get by. So at the nudge of Grace, I have chosen to be job-less - and I have already heard a mighty chorus of protestations....from within me and around me.
I have a fear of heights so looking down the rungs of my vocational ladder to find my feet to climb down was rather giddying and very unsettling.

Perhaps the relentless whirr of hard work Singapore style tires you too. You may not need to get off; but I would highly recommend getting away some. Detach yourself a little more in the new year from your work.
I am more than my work.
You are more than your work!

my swearing neighbour and her weight of love

2007-12-04T01:52:00.000-08:00

as those who know me know, i am a feline lover. yup, it cat's rule and dogs drool for me. (i do like dogs, but they do drool).
one day when i came home, i found this notice at the lift landing:
"stop leaving your kittens at my corridor! i will CURSE you!"

that was strong. wow, the person who put up this sign must detest animals, i thought to myself.

well lo, yesterday i met the person who put up the sign. it was none other than the rather famous-in-the-nighbourhood cat-lady. she lives on the ground floor and has several cats outside her home on 24-7 surveillance duty.

she spewed the curses not out of hate for animals but for love of them. for every unwanted animal she finds at her door, she has to expend time and money to send them to the SPCA. i found out she works as a home-service masseue after her cleaning job's pay package suffered a dramatic 200-dollar reduction.

the weight of love.

she totally loses it that people will be so heartless and take her so much for granted.

i think those who dispose of their kitties at her place must have rationalised their way without thought for her. i was proved right when i bumped into someone and shared her plight. The reply: "but she loves cats what!"
She does love cats but she has not signed up to be the feline-rescue mission of the estate!

this only shows me one thing: it is so easy for us to think along our line of thought and completely miss another (perhaps more valid) viewpoint altogether.

as this episode goes to show, we can really get on each other's nerves without intending to. the only cure it seems would be to feel some other nerves on a regular basis - practice empathy - then, such wildly maddening things need not plague our communities small and large.

on gaiety

2007-10-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

I signed the petition to retain the penal code. Why? because of what it stands for. those who argue for the law to be repealed insist that from pactical reality; such a law is obsolete. True, criminalising something does not make it go away. Plus we do have the challenge of enforcement.
But wait! Should the law and media only reflect reality? Should they not also hold up an ideal for society to aspire towards? perhaps it is to our common loss that some things have become obsolete?
If push comes to shove, can we be honest that some of us want to dream and pursue wholeness while others prefer to operate at a more material level?
The fact is, when we pare the law down to the material level, we have done total injustice to an entire segment of humankind! We have denied ourselves the freedom to dream and long for perfection, beauty, harmony, and truth. How can that serve humanity well in the long view? [actually behind this whole let the law reflect what is happening is a way of thinking that what is, is best - a highly unstable position to assume if you knew the second law of thermodynamics]

Further, there is place for mutual and deepening understanding; if we give it a chance. There are gays who also want to pursue a more idealised state of life with covenantal faithfulness. I am married and find this whole till-death-do-us-part deal no piece of fruit cake. We can sit down and talk about what we desire in common: being faithful; why we find it a challenge and how we plan to make it through.

Keep the law, it's there for an august purpose. Live your life; but be honest and serious about what you are pursuing and be open to hear, learn and change.

2007-09-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

2007-09-30T02:18:00.000-07:00

aura photo headshot?

2007-09-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

there were these two photos aligned for comparison: one with, another without - aura! yup, that's the new thing to hit spas. find out your aura and improve everything from circulation to waist-line!
this prompted my mind to recall a Q my seven-year-old posed to me just recently: why did adam and eve eat from the tree of theknowledge of good and evil? why didn't they eat from the other tree?
i told her i dont know. but one thing i do know: we can see the effects of that decision everyday.
i mean, isn't it true that we humans live on the brink of finding that one more piece of information that can make life healthier, happier and richer? from auras to patents to spirituality - we are continually on a hunt for the better, stronger, wiser, more efficient way to go about life.
which makes us run like mice on the ever-turning threadmill of effort.
i better sign off before i my writing leads me to some premature conclusion about how this would all turn out better...if only we knew...

solve this problem or shape a life?

2007-09-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

some organisations have a fire-fighting modus operandi.

but it ain't they that run this way. for many of us, life seems to be lived perpetually at problem-solving mode.

a friend's marriage was falling apart - not that it was much of a marriage in the first place..so we took the problem-solving approach. but alas, we seemed to have solved a present problem but failed to address the deeper root issue. we could not get near it with a ten-foot pole. in a society that values success; having problems is ok, but looking for the disease at the roots is a totally different and wholly unwelcome proposition!

and so, he begins another relationship.
he feels he is entitled at another go (his third). he will do better. learnt a thing or two from the last mess anyway...

fly in the face of all probability my friend - and sorry shall the outcome be.

Now i know. we are like trees. with need for strong roots.
and a reliable water & nutrient source.
but -- o, here's another problem blinking on my radar.

wiser now, i want to look at roots: mine and others.

and be willing to do the hard work of digging around, overuturning soil, getting dirty and sweaty.

problems can be solved with enough money, right connections, sheer determination; perhaps. But the shape a life takes on is a daily, intentional, thoughful, and at times painful process. it requires we excise some things, shake off others, and even turn tails and run at times. it requires we re-arrange our layout and re-define our frames of references. it requires we ask often and wait for our answer: why?

trust

2007-09-13T01:43:00.000-07:00

it's so hard to trust.
at one level, our world operates well only when we trust. we need to trust that our money works, people who promise deliveries show up, signatures carry actual weight...
but at the inter-personal level, somehow that breaks down really fast.
we seem almost on the look out for signs of betrayal.
the moment we detect so much as a hint of it, our fright and flight response rears up...
then of course, there are those who seem bent towards paranoia. you may have met them.
so from neighbout to employee to spouse to God, we struggle to trust...
perhaps this is because our hearts are not at rest. we sense that something is amiss and needs to be set right.
what do you think?

they-we? world without strangers?

2007-08-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

wow. we studied about the world becoming a village nearly 15 years ago in school...then globalisation shifted from the imagination to the immediate. living in singapore - eager to maintain our economic security, and welcoming people from many lands onto our shores; i meet them everyday. from the foreign worker to the expat wife, from the chinese national to the ang-mo (caucasian).
it seems like the world - not its dream destinations - but the real world - the people - are right at our door-step. and it gets uncomfortable. i am no xenophobe and generally love adventure and the excitement of meeting people. but today i caught myself short.
a filipino lady was on the same bus as me. she wanted to get off near bishan park. that's all fine except bishan park is a huge stretch with several stops. i wanted to talk to her and help her clarify where she should actually get off. instead i sat there and watched as the bus driver told her to get off at the first stop of the park, 'this is bishan park la!' i felt tired. without thinking, my system knew well that this will not be a fun, easy conversation. i will need to work at understanding her and making myself understood. plus, after all the effort, it may actually not help her. so i sat there and just hoped she did get off at the right stop.
world without strangers? i think not.

the loving and gay thing to do?

2007-08-16T23:24:00.000-07:00

i sent this into our national paper, The Straits Times after one correspondent wrote about how his lesbain friends were to him 'model citizens' and suggested that if singapore wants to be a global city, she must be more tolerant and accept gays.

Subject: the loving thing to do

I am married and have kids; a girl and a boy. Both marriage and raising children are hard work.

The funny thing is Devan’s friends seem to have it all. What a sweet picture he has painted of his lesbian friends. Interestingly, they are high achievers with, I would suspect, quite a bit of money on their side. Artificial insemination is no polyclinic deal. I am not sure what bases Devan uses to hold up his friends (they sure sound impressive) as model citizens either. If having a partner, a job and kids; paying taxes, and being religious is it; Singapore is full of model citizens really.

While the verdict is not yet out on the genetic basis for homosexual tendencies; there is ample evidence that gender differences have genetic foundations that began in utero. I have a daughter and a son. My method of child-raising is not gender based; but voila, they are simply different. Just watch my girl pat the cat and my son (er..) pat the cat!

The argument for love is always so winsome. In our world so torn by conflict, violence and violation; we all long for love. Unfortunately, love is interpreted as being tolerant. The question is who gets to determine what is considered tolerant? Will we be more liberal if we tolerated incest, under-age marriages, cohabitation, blended families and so on? Tolerance is a poor substitute for love and peace. True love and peace is not no-holds-barred. No parent in the right mind can raise children, no society can run and persist, no great ideas can blossom – if all we have is free rein.

Yes there is much that is wrong in our world. But the loving thing to do is to embrace the broken-ness and work for the healing. I believe that the broken-ness of our world has its origins within each one of us. Perhaps if we can embrace ourselves – not just as egos; but as belonging to something larger; that in our interdependent world, our choices impact others, we can think deeper and harder about life and our choices. Perhaps if we can embrace ourselves – and see that from alcoholism, to violence to sexual tendencies – we are all spots on a huge continuum – and yet each one of us has much to offer the world. Perhaps if we can embrace ourselves – and see our lives as gifts to each other; and not get fixated in the game of tit-for-tat; limiting ourselves to only a certain vision of life….perhaps…

and can it be?

2007-08-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

i borrow the famous line from Wesley's hymn - well - because he just said it so well! doesnt life give you moments when you just ask, 'and can it be?'
it's something beyond the scope of experience, explanation, and frame-able referencing...like, if you suddenly believed you need to step away from a job, losing title, status, stability...and you are filled almost with a sense of awe about it. between the awe and the dread that you will fall thud! on the hard ground of reality - i can only gasp in open wonder, waiting for things to unfold and my own heart to flutter to a place of rest; 'and can it be?!'
you got a 'and can it be' to talk about?

accused

2007-07-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

what is it about being accsued that we so detest?
i brought my son for a haircut his first at a salon. the experience was harrowing for both of us. i felt cheated and rushed. the dresser left the moment she flicked off the power switch. her unintersted colleague stood there to receive payment. i was miffed so i said: i dont feel this is worth my seven dollars.
after all, her partner did not even bother to wrap us in the usual large piece of fabric and so i had hair all over me (even if its my sweet son's hair!)
guess what happens next? she said 'madam how can you say you dont want to pay"
i was taken aback; tried to explain myself and she stood her ground "you say you dont want to pay"
so i raised my voice and said " that's not what i said"
she shot back "o you talk so loudly to me.."
this incredibly absurd exchange nearly ruined my day.
as i thought about it; i wondered why i did raise my voice.....
i think we all get defensive when we are accused. justice seems to be hardwired into us. of course, in the course of 'life' we get used to different meanings, standards and nuances of justice...
but we hate being accused!!... we really want to set things right. somehwere, someone must set things right - one day.

2007-07-19T22:23:00.000-07:00

eating in the pews part 2: 4 more Cs...in singapore christianity -- Zoe or Bios?

2. Conduct
So much of what passes off as spiritual content is spiritual lingo. After a few years in the church sub-culture, we learn to say the right things – but as the prophet indicts us, perhaps our hearts are far away…(Isaiah 29v13)
From being late at church, to skipping small groups; from discussing our latest golf scores to talking ad nauseam about the latest dish we ate; so much of our conduct gives away the fact that we live on the bios level. Young people dress just like the models in the media and we older ones have no wisdom to counter-offer them. Does it not matter how our conduct affect others? From the Bible, it definitely does! Yet we are mostly preoccupied with consumption and measuring everything by that yardstick. Church, let us see more radical giving, sharing and Sermon-on-the-Mount type living!

3. Community
The church in Singapore is abuzz with activity and hectivity as she lies on a relational sickbed. Perhaps the greatest give-away that we are being conformed to our world is the poverty of our relationships. Jesus has said that we will be known by our love. A certain quality of relating is meant to mark the Christian community. Do you and I know this first hand? Are we seeking it and living it? I was struck by Paul’s statement to the church: “from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view” (2 Cor 5v16).
Some bemoan the fact that society is fragmented and the church’s emphasis on age-group ministries deepen this divide. But simplistically lumping everyone together is plain naivete. We need to get beyond the forms to the heart of things and then put in place radical forms that heighten and affirm both reality and truth. With the twin tensions of increasing contact and intensifying depersonalistion in our world ; the church’s relational DNA is truly her best showcase of the gospel’s power to save. It is a power we must unleash.

4. Confusion and Conservatism
Humankind has always tried to remake God in our image. This danger is heightened today. As long as we treat God as a consume-able; we can slide dangerously into the muddy waters of changing our minds and fashioning for ourselves a God that is more acceptable. Perhaps you prefer a Jesus who is more emo, more sensitive, or (!) more retro…?
Trying to fend ourselves against the enemy; we so often foolishly cross swords with each other – when after all, no one has a monopoly on God. We must humbly assist one another to interpret and respond to the revelation given us in Scripture, tradition and current experience. We serve a risen and living Saviour; not a text book model.

5. Conflict
Recently, some spates of conflicts have made it to the pages of the national newspaper. Of course, the media does not owe it to us to celebrate our triumphs; but for the church to turn outwards and seek redress from the world is absurd. There is enough of God – through His Spirit – to unite, bind, free and heal us from everything, if we will but let Him lead. If we see church loyalties as badges of good taste and premium choice we brandy about, we have made a mockery of deep spiritual truths and break our dear God’s Father heart. Yes, one-ness is well nigh impossible. Perhaps this is why we have One who makes intercession for us towards this end. My husband always taught me to love Christ is to love His Bride.
Our witness is bundled with our ability to resolve conflict and move beyond differences and difficulties.

Zoe or bios; the choice seems inane to have to make. But in a world that thrives only on bios; we must be careful to appreciate, affirm and renew our commitment to zoe. And it will not be by sheer willpower, good intentions or right doctrine. As Zechariah was given to understand, it will be by the Spirit. (Zech 4v6)

eating in church - consumers in the pews.

2007-07-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

Christianity is the invitation and challenge to live – zoe – really live. The Greek word zoe which is used to describe eternal life is different from bios which is used to denote simply breathing and hopefully, moving. To zoe is to really live. It is resurrection life – a life no longer encumbered by the grave clothes of sin, the past, and death. It is a life so attractive, so dynamic, so impactful that it was once described as ‘turning the world upside down’ (acts 17v6 ASV).

Everywhere the gospel has been preached and lived, the forces of hell and the darkness of the human heart has tried to prevail over it. Thankfully, Jesus has so assured us: I will build my church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it (Mt 16 )

Jesus’ assurance follows on the God-given utterance by his burly disciple Peter that “Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God”. This means that no church or Christian should sit on our laurels and hide behind nice sounding theological-isms such as ‘once saved always saved’ or whatever else when clearly our hearts and our lives are not proclaiming that Jesus is the Christ and in his life, message and mission, we have our life, message and mission. Zoe life is to share and live out Christ’s life. In apostle Paul’s lingo, ‘Christ in us is the hope of glory’.

Mere words will not suffice as we learn from Peter – he who uttered such divinely inspired confession will soon betray His friend and master.

Some years ago, it was popular to speak of Singaporeans pursuring 5Cs: cash, car, condo, and so on. I borrow from this a warning for us to beware of 5 Cs that are making our faith and witness anemic.

1. Consumerism
Consumerism is the dominant value of life today. It determines so much of our life. From the time a baby arrives, we are bombarded with decisions of what to buy and use. This does not let up as we choose schools, careers, partners and eventually, the place to deposit our ashen selves. To be alive today is to consume. This is bios today. When we are not deeply aware of this, we can trade in our precious zoe for bios.
Signs of consumerism abound in church today. The locus of worship is that we come together to adore and praise our God, thank Him for the gift of salvation, and celebrate our family in Christ – proclaiming the good news of the gospel. Instead, with our consumerist, demanding selves, we get stuck in intransigence over matters of style, seating arrangements and Holy Communion liturgy. We measure each other by worldly standards and enter the church not to be changed but to exact our expectations and dues from pastor and fellow alike. We measure church health and growth by output and wrongly equate maturity with ‘ministry’; often perpetuating the Singaporean busy-ness syndrome.