Holy Week 5: when we speak before we think - an extrovert's confession

On our tenth time going out or thereabouts, the boyfriend said to me, "you speak before you think". Yes, even before we were married. we ran smack into our deep differences and we did not always handle it kindly!

No one had ever said that to me (I didn't connect it with what my primary school teacher had written in my report book: "...very talkative.."). Growing up in a large family and watching how folks in my poor neighbourhood often jostled for space, rights and voice had perhaps built into me a necessity to know, reach, and speak up - or be forgotten and left behind. I aced my General Knowledge quizzes, I raised my hands to ask questions, I spoke.

So yes, I turned out an extrovert. Even with my love and need for solitude now; this basic personality bent remains. Which is why, Peter the disciple is understandable to me. I suspect some of us get him more than others.

Watch Peter here: the skit guys {click}

My introvert husband always felt a little jealous of us extroverts - our ease in company, our ability to connect quickly and with so many!

Yes Peter not only connected with Jesus fast; he believed deeply that he had a great relationship with His Master. His own estimate of the relationship was so optimistic and ideal that he did not recognise his potential to fail.

Observing Peter over the years has grown me. He is the most fleshed out character among the disciples. See if you chuckle a bit at recognizing yourself or someone you know: 

He is demonstrative

Luke 5:8 When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!”

He answers on his feet (literally!), he is observant

Luke 8:45 “Who touched me?” Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.”

Mark 11:21 Peter remembered and said to Jesus, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

He responds fast

Matthew 14:28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

John 21:7 Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water.

He asks questions

Matthew 15:15 Peter said, “Explain the parable to us.”

 Matthew 18:21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

He is perceptive

Matthew 16:16 Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

John 6:68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.

He believes he is special

Matthew 16:22 Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!”

He wants to contribute/solve/seek the best

Matthew 17:4 Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good for us to be here. If you wish, I will put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah.”

He gives his all

Matthew 19:27 “We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?”

John 13:37 “Lord, why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.”Matthew 26:35  “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” And all the other disciples said the same.

He reacts in line with his feelings and beliefs

John 13:6-8  He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” .....“No, you shall never wash my feet.”.... “Then, Lord, not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”

He denies Jesus

Luke 22:60  “Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

He may be ADHD? He certainly influences the others

John 21:3 “I’m going out to fish,” Simon Peter told them, and they said, “We’ll go with you.”

Peter is very instructive for me. I see my own zeal as well as foibles in him.

But most of all, it is the way Jesus believes in him, is patient with him, calls him forth, and restores him that moves me deeply. 

Jesus loved Peter with his personality strengths and weaknesses. Jesus also sees beyond the Cephas to the Petra. Cephas was his name. Petra (rock) was his true substance. But Petra won't happen as he remained Cephas. The rock is forged over time with an assault of the elements of faith, doubt, fear, and healing.

 If who we truly are is to emerge; we must be who we are now, bravely and trust the LORD to take us there.

But it's no harm holding back a bit; learn from our Introvert brethren, and pray this prayer in the meantime:

 Psalm 141:3 ~ Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.

How to do the Will of God when your thoughts, feelings and behaviour are all in a jumble

Some days I can almost hear those gears grinding in my mighty teen's head as we talk about life, love, annoyances, boys (often a subset of annoyances), God and so on. Of late, she has become rather fascinated with the notions of personality and human psychology: what makes us do what we do? When you are as old as I rather am, you will forget you walked this road before as a teen - the one marked with so many signage it was plain confusing.

But then we reached some spot where we breathe, feel the wind, come alive, go a-ha!

credit: Michelle Nyat-Teoh

Somewhere in my university days I remember learning about CABs. We all move around in CABs, not the taxi variety but in a mobile unit made of our Cognition, Affections, and Behaviour. If you prefer, we are the ego sum of our Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour (speech and actions, silence and non-action). It was hugely helpful moment when the lights came on for me. However, the psychology prof did not really tell us which of the three came first. So we were largely left to sort the sequence and pieces out and many days as a young woman, that is pretty hard stuff when your mind tells you one thing, your heart another and you may out of cowardice, peer pressure or sheer momentary insanity act yet another way!

But that was years ago. I am glad I remember my clumsy years. It certainly reins in my tendency to run out of patience with the mighty teen and lead me down a more compassionate path. While I still believe that difficulty and hardship are wonderful gifts when one is growing up to develop grit; I also see that her battle is a different one. Grit is still needed from her; but it is called forth in other ways. Figuring out who one is has never been an easy thing to do, rich or poor. Very few embark on it with honesty and courage and so many fall by the wayside and settle for living up to some handed down dream or limit themselves to circumstances.

My hope is that my own journey can be a legacy and a sort of trail for her to learn how to make her own.

According to the famous Myers Briggs temperament analysis, I score higher on Thinking than Feeling, which is to say I process my information more through my brain than my heart. I was happy to hear that having grown up in a spiritual tradition that was distrustful of fickle human emotions and also seeing first-hand the crazy damage to congenial relations when emotions ran feverish and words and bamboo poles were wielded to inflict hurt {that's right, my maternal grandma you do not trigle with}.

So my CAB had a huge large captial 'C' that drove the way forward, or so I thought.

What the psychology prof did not also address is what happens when God gets involved. So let me tell you: He stalls the cab. My thinking hit a limit.

Without the Thoughts to control the other bits; I found my Feelings staging a mutiny and my Behaviour sometimes surprising!

For others I have seen, it has been Good behaviour, Outstanding Performance, Fantastic Feelings that have ruled the day. But sooner or later, they hit a limit. We cannot sustain our self-constructed worlds. God lets some disrepair, disorder, disruption take place. It can lead to pretty depressing states. But it is the only way we are jolted out of our self-life. In the Silence when what used to work doesn't, we find our Selves deconstructed and if we dare, a truer more real self will emerge.

You see, there is one more component the prof didn't talk about because he didn't study it in graduate school: the Imago Dei - made in God's image. You and I, thus created and designed operate not only with Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour; we also have this mysterious bit that still defies location today, called the Will. The Will is the power house of direction and action. We can think and feel and act but until we will something, the power doesn't come through. 

I love him -
can be a thought. O what a lovely thought. But it can remain all but within our brains.
can be a feeling. Such a sweet feeling. But it vaporises quickly enough when a contradictory feeling comes along.
can be an action. Great acts can even arise from this but they need to be sustained...

Thought, Feeling and Behaviour gathers at the gate waiting for the Will to muster them and say -- 

I will love him! 

The question is, will I? Will you? Why yes/no?

So I realised the deeper Q is this: what wills you? Why should the Will awaken and assert over the rest? The answer is that there is A Higher Will that you and I pursue and seek to obey. It is what we say in the prayer Jesus taught

Our Father in HeavenHallowed by Thy NameThy Kingdom ComeThy Will be doneOn earth as it is in Heaven...

I can almost see a valley full of Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour now gather in amazing numbers bearing arms and waving signs that say 'no way!'.  I hear protests of :

do you have any idea what i have gone through, my mind remembers every detail...
my heart is still in so much pain
look, this is just not me, I simply don't do this

I wait out the clamour a bit. I let the self-evident results play out as the Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour begin to show signs of disunity. The great army disintegrates in smaller camps rife with conflict. The memory is hazy, the feelings are going hither and thither, and the behaviours are deepening in crisis.

I read a Psalm slowly. At first, the three continue with their murmuring... but they quieten down, and when I read this, they snap to attention ~

"Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart,
all you who hope in the LORD." ~ Psalm 31v24

I go back to the start of the Psalm now that they are quiet, and read again:

"In You, O LORD, I put my trust,
let me never be ashamed;
Deliver me in Your righteousness.
Bow down your ear to me,
Deliver me speedily;
Be my rock of refuge,
A fortress of defense to save me...
For you are my strength.
Into your hand I commit my spirit;
You have redeemed me, o LORD God of truth...
You have considered my trouble;
you have known my soul in adversities...
My times are in Your hand..." ~ Psalm 31v1-5 (NKJV)

As The Thoughts back down from their haughty place, as the Feelings are soothed with a salve that reaches deep, and as my Behaviour stops flaunting its self-righteous label, my Will arises afresh and commands them to move in concert to the baton held by the One who knows best. I am ready to act in love.