love nearly fade

How fragile our love and loving is - when it's about warm, welcoming feelings of closeness, comfort and cosy-mosy fuzzies...imagine this, i almost, yes, lost love for my precious daughter for whom i have invented a dozen words of endearment!

She was so obstinate, so full of contradicting (me), so whiny...i was after her for hair pins, homework, music practice, meals...and all this after spending so much time as a stay-home-mom! something wilted within me. In fact we were trying to grow this plant which tested our faith to the limit by staying wilty - not alive, not quite dead...just a few minutiae of leaves at the end of its skinny two stalks - a perfect picture of how i felt.

O gosh, whenw e were in the car and the familiar whine went off, i just shut up. Cajoling was out. Threats were too tiring. But as i kept quiet, i could lmost feel the hum of the engine of my heart slowing down too! Like an early frost. Thankfully that sent shivers - and i shook myself and awakened to the realities that no doubt all good responsible parents face: the real possibility of relationships souring.

i hunkered down, wiped my tears and said my prayers. Then i got up and shook off my silly needy self and rose up afresh - a grown up, responsible for reining in my feelings and cultivating creative avenues for transformation. i opened the deep chest of memories and pulled out a few favourites and stared at them a long time until the warmth forced the frost to beat a retreat.

Then I stepped out again. We will grow through this - together.

coming together..

Over and over i see them: people.
everywhere.
my heart beats and skips as i sense the cry for meaning, rescue and healing..
i pray, entertain wild ideas, and then over the months, i became convinced that we all need to become Foot Soliders. Yup, those that walk on the job or do the work on the go...
Chrsitians already know we are meant to 'go'....but we arent quite going...because:
1 we are so frightened; the postmod milieu does not make it easier
2 we worry we will fail get rejected etc
3 we dont know what to do
4 we are too busy serving in church
5 we have so many problems of our own

so we do the occasional thing: invite to events etc..which we all know by now does not produce solid disciples unless they are then carefully followed up...

two books i read - miles apart - gave me ideas: Treasure Hunt by Bill Johnson and The Insider by Jim Petersen and Mike Shamy.
i feel it coming together
i want to get ready to be a foot soldier

perhaps this is also why i sense so clearly God told me NEVER be busy filling up your days with actitivies one after another.. it gives me space to hear HIm, to read, reflect and to make time for others...

o i sure hope i overcome my own limitations, OBEY and rise above my own narrow horizons..and have plenty adventures to share...!!

OVERHEATED PROCESSING
o boy
what a week..i did everything but write. not too good at all. so at least, before the week is over, here i am trying to write something!! this is very serious as i have two major datelines up which are totally ambitious...but in case you think i've been a major lump of inertia; i assure you not.
this week i had to process major thoughts and feelings relating to a major decision plus i am fed-up enough of our young people being preyed on and having their lives expended on surface issues aka consumer agenda; i have been thinking of forming either (1) a think tank to brin gback beauty, truth and wonder into all levels of society (2) a mutli-racial n religious group to combat advertising that is insulting to intellignce, offensive to moral sensitivites and degrading to men and women by reducing us to a bundle of nerves.

want to join me? sign up right here!

celebrate the ordinary

i just found this lovely little poem:
The Patience of Ordinary Things
Pat Schneider
It is a kind of love, is it not?
How the cup holds the tea,
How the chair stands sturdy and foursquare,
How the floor receives the bottoms of shoes Or toes.
How soles of feet know Where they're supposed to be.
I've been thinking about the patience Of ordinary things,
how clothes Wait respectfully in closets
And soap dries quietly in the dish,
And towels drink the wet From the skin of the back.
And the lovely repetition of stairs. A
nd what is more generous than a window?
Source: Another River: New and Selected Poems

bad mom?

Does every generation agonize over their parenting or is it just ours?
My son resisted and fought me this past week - he refused to go to his nursery class. Somehow, something had upset him and he changed from his usual extroverted, bubbly self to this scaredy cat the moment it was time to step into the large room they began their day.
I was of course frustrated on multiple levels: what will happen to my daily routine if he keeps this up? what is really bothering him; did something awful happen? what am i to do that will best help him and me? why is this happening to me?....
The poor fella tried his best to explain about some fear he has. Next comes the needful conversation with the teacher, and a strategy to move this whole uhappy experience forward in a way that will help him embrace changes and develop courage.
All this time, I felt a strange sadness with lots of tears to swirl it all around in...
Perhaps it's how we expect life to be efficient these days; but we really rant and bulk when there are surprises and challenges don't we?
We can try our darndest to be prepared but there will always be something that can threaten to take us off course.
I finally found peace when I sat down with a cup of tea and read my Bible and a book I had with me. Then I returned to the challenge feeling more clear headed and calm hearted and I saw I all that was on my side: prayer, asserting myself for my child's interest, the support of spouse and friends.
Phew. He still fights it; but we will win this small battle together and we shall both be stronger for it! Way to go sweet son!

when our logic fails us

if we are honest, our brains often hit a limit. what is a brilliant, even heroic thought can be scratched further to reveal serious flaws...a moment of illumination can only bring light when subjected to hours of scrutiny. For example, the famous "how can God be powerful and loving if he sends people to hell?"
it sounds logical but then...begs several deeper questions, such as:
what does it mean to be powerful? what does it mean for God to be all powerful? what kind of power would that be?

Ditto to loving.

Just that today, we live so fast and have so much info overload we have learnt to tune out - and alas, we have successfully tuned out a bit too much i'm afraid. We land in quicksand security. Not solid, not stable, and really not safe!

We have got to be more than our coffee preferences, laptop model, fashion statement, even issue/campaign devotion. After all, we yearn for so much more!

what a start!

on the 9th day of the new year and everything looks ... (complete the sentence for yourself!)
for the first time in a long while i went out for supper...early on new year's day. when we got back; we thought we would check in to see how the major cities are partying to welcome the new year (i still dont get why we do that?)...then we got the news: fire in Bangkok and soon enough... one of us has passed on..
i am sure parties are designed to take us out of the gloom and humdrum of life give us a lift, escape, sense of adventure and some kind of wishfulness...
But
within every heart and into every national psyche a fear has invaded us like never before.
i remember feeling nervous when i was 15 and people were talking about a nuclear holocaust.
15 years later, we have that possible threat and more.
*the invisible hand of price that the great economist promised would regulate things for us rational beings did not.
* it's not a few people in power that can press the wrong button and kill us; it's many of us killing each other today with compromise, corruption, hatred and vengeance

Naturally i shield these things from my kids or share it with them very carefully. No child needs to grow up feeling frightened and powerless.

And then yesterday's papers tell of grievous things that happen when our hearts are troubled: an abused child, a beat up youth ....right here in safe, sensible, practical Singapore!

we can hope these things do not hit us, that we wont be at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people..we can pretend we are not afraid and chase a wild time..we can rant and rave...

or we can grief for our kind.
look inside out hearts
look for help

and then we can party, truly party - for time is short; and life is worth living fully, freely and well.