You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): Give them a sense of safety and security

Safety and Security?

This is Singapore! Yes, it is, and we are very grateful for the amazing degree of safety we experience here. Our children can walk to the store, take public transportation, use the school bus, visit the toilets -- once they are able, without a lurking fear of imminent danger to their lives and safety.

But there is more to safety and security.

Maslow's hierarchy places it as the very first item we need to live. Of course he was thinking of actual straw-wood-brick homes and most of us would not be struggling with this.

But there is more to safety and security.

To help us understand this need, that we all have through life, consider the following questions through the seasons:

Will I have friends?
Can I do this?
What grade will I get?
How do I know if I have done my best?
Does my colleague dislike me?
When will my boss appreciate my work?

These are real questions and concerns we have, and yet, most of us do not know who to share these concerns with or get help for them.

I imagine then that if we stretch this same concerns back to the earliest days of life, even a baby may experience such existential angst, just that all it can do is cry or fuss or fail to settle or become very clingy (wait, I know many adults who still do these!).

What can we do?

enter life, but are they ready? (Erin@Pinterest)

The phrase 'strawberry generation' was coined to refer to the kids who grew up in the 80s, but the term has stuck. Why do we have a strawberries growing in our yard? They bruise easily -- because underlying this sensitivity is a fear, an insecurity, a lack of safety. It's easy to be mad at them because they grew up in a time when we were prosperous. It feels like they turned soft and are entitled (we still say that now of the millenials). But perhaps as we consider the tips below, we will see how we indeed can raise such a generation when we are not careful.


For infants - 
have a stable routine, have a safe, clean, peaceful home environment where her needs are attended to as soon as possible. You cannot spoil an infant. Shuttling an infant between homes, keeping them up and tiring them out is a bad idea unless you enjoy a cranky child.
Infants come with genetic dispositions and some are more sensorial, sensitive and easily startled even. A good clue to this is to look at yourself and some close relatives. There is no point in complaining, just embrace that you chose to pass some genes down!

The good news is a secure child, with strong bonds (see previous post) becomes more teachable and resilient which makes growth and change more welcome. Thanks to neuroplasticity and the power of prayer, genetic dispositions are only half the story.


For children - 
stay within the safe zone for what fills their young minds and hearts. This means take your fights outside the home (yes, nearly impossible, but worth the attempt. Have date nights to keep track of your souls). This means be proactive about reading and watching good material with them.

A foundational quest of all children is to know if the world is safe, and if there are adults who will be there for them. Be with them and teach them how to navigate life in real-time. I am sorry that unlike work, children cannot process things with you at the end of the day. They just cannot live by an agenda like that. They have to learn what think, have words for their feelings, understand that they can overcome their own natural compulsions (to snatch that toy). Just saying "no", "it's wrong", or worse, labeling them "why you so selfish" is not helping them feel safe enough to grow.

Another area is to discipline your conversation. If you go complaining about everyone, bad-mouthing every authority, dissing others, or discussing apocalyptic news where your own fears are leaking, the child will find the world a scary place and will be inhibited from exploring its treasures. Young children can handle some of the stuff in the world and if they are at school, they will get to hear of it. But I can still remember how once when we were talking about ISIS, that my son grew suddenly very quiet. Unlike my daughter who is more logical, he is a creative and tends to be very graphical. I realised I needed to consider what purpose lay behind the discussion of world news and beware if they were ready to handle it.

Never give a child a smartphone with internet access. Install parental controls. You see, before the internet era, children had fears about imaginary ghosts, the fierce uncle or the weird person in the neighbourhood. All of these can be managed with a clear reminder from an adult or with the presence of an adult. With the internet, a child is standing on a highway with traffic coming from all directions! All they need to do is google. If you are not there, and you have told them to go to the internet for answers, they will, and a little information is a dangerous thing. They can learn nearly any wicked thing there.

I remember that when my children were less then eight, I banned the word 'stress' from my household. It's true we feel stressed, but it's so easy to become a shorthand they can use to escape from thinking harder about what they are feeling, and it tempts them to magnify their difficulties so that they are less likely to overcome them. Adults alas routinely use it as a cop-out.


For Teens -
You won't want to hear this, but teens consider us a kind of threat. Please don't get upset. If you pray for a jolt in memory, you will realise you felt the same. Teens need to explore their identity, and it requires them to challenge us. If our bond with them is good, it sits beneath all the storms like a safety net, so it's ok.

Teens feel unsafe and insecure when they cannot get answers. They also feel that way when they are socially inept. The antidote to this is extremely hard for parents at this point: we must not just love them, we must like them. Hard it is - we miss our cherubic younguns, they are hard to talk to, manage, relate with... yet - we have to look past their hormonal surges, changing bodies, voices and sucky attitudes to the person we always loved and always will.

My best ideas for this: cook their favourite food, keep up the hugs, have that regular awkward meal with them, welcome their friends home, find an activity you can do together and give them space to chill.

Teens are literally doing battle each day with their self-image, performance, friendships, infatuation, expectations laid on them, God... it is a tiring season of life. They will choose distraction any time. Yet they have to confront these issues in a way that is kind to themselves. Help them make their own choices and experience the consequences with them. This is to prepare them for life. Also, as a parent, sometimes the best thing you can do is to surround them with other young adults and adults.

judy foo

"He will be the sure foundation for your times,

    a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;

    the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure" ~ Isaiah 33v6

"Do not tremble, do not be afraid.

    Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago?

You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me?

    No, there is no other Rock; I know not one." ~ Isaiah 44v8

The bedrock of all stability and safety is God Himself. 

I don't have all the answers.
I get lazy.
I am inconsistent.
I struggle with my own insecurities, doubts and fears.


So I model for the children that there can be safety and security - because God is real and living, active and working in my life.

So I gather them for prayer, family devotions, Advent and Lent - because a deep well is needed for such parches times.

So I talk to them and pray with them as they leave the home, when we snuggle in bed, when the doors finally open after they were slammed shut.

So I pray for them and record the God immortal, always wise, coming to save us and help us feel safe again.

And this song comes to me:


Immortal Invisible - hymn background & contemporary version

Immortal Invisible trad hymn version


God loves you and your parenting journey.
God loves your children.
And He is Strong, and Safe to go to.


Further reads:
PSLE!
Those Tough Teen Years

The hermeneutic of suspicion and how to tear it apart

Somewhere, someone, somehow, we learnt not to trust.

We distrust ourselves.
Living Google world, we wonder if we need yet more information in order to make a decision. Knowing how many times we have messed up in the past can cause us to lose confidence in our ability to judge and choose well. This shows up in our lack of confidence to deal with decisions or certain aspects of life.

We distrust each other.
Close friendships can be torn asunder, siblings can quarrel past the parents' demise, couples break up due to infidelity or from disappointments and hurts that feel too deep to heal from.

Distrust is growing and gnawing at us all today. We distrust those who take a different view of things, hold to different values, espouse different ideals.

Distrust is extremely toxic as it presumes that the other is 'guilty' as it were, and lays down an a priori verdict.  This is the air and the hermeneutic today. We pick up the newspapers expecting to find news that we will object to. We engage social media to like/dislike/opine at the most superficial understanding of any situation. We half-listen to one another, more focused on how we will respond so as to trump the conversation.

Our brains that seek consonance conspire in this process with its innate ability towards confirmation bias, and we practise selective listening with finesse.


All of this happening in a time when self-expression and fulfillment are the gods of the day, which means that our referent point is The Self, a pretty small space to begin with.

Where lies the hope that we can communicate with more calm?

How can we reach out to those who began at a totally opposing end of the spectrum?

What is the way forward for marriages, families, and ecosystems within society, including political structures?

Recently, a young adult tried to educate me about SRS (sex reassignment surgery), and she began by saying that I must see it as a sin. I have never interacted with her prior to this, and she was writing an email to me about a subject that is both sensitive and painful. I was surprised that she had presumed (probably because I am a pastor) that my first frame of reference is about the sinfulness of it. In reality, what bothered me was the very real pain, loss and grief of the psychiatric condition dysphoria. To feel a disconnect with one's self, to experience rejection, and to search for a way out - all of it is deep pain. I agonised for the person and her family. I also agonised over how the church can communicate truth in such circumstances.

So how we can trust each other better?
How can we regain trust when we have lost it?
How do we prevent what precious little trust we have from going to rot?

Nothing is resolved where there is no genuine heart interest to do so.

Why bother to risk it and get hurt or disappointed - we hear it all the time.

Someone has pulled the wool over our eyes, having us believe that protecting our interests, guarding our borders and entrenching our positions is what grants security. This happens emotionally, psychologically, socially, and even politically. It is all playing out before us these days. From the needless haggling for a petty discount to the couple breaking up the assets, to the culling of human lives through immigration policies, we live by the rule of paucity and mistrust. There isn't enough to go around, and survival goes to the ones who can out-manuvuere others. We build walls all the time. Trump's wall is but a visible expression of an inward reality that already exists.

We need a fresh vision.

We need to believe that trusting is better.


Interestingly, the heart of the Christian's relationship with God is one of trust, expressed as obedience. 

But O, how we struggle to trust God!

With mere logic, it can seem insane to trust an unseen Being. It feels scary to say that an ancient text (collection of texts to be precise) should be infallible and hold authority over our lives - whatever we feel, grapple with, aspire towards.

Trust isn't what we are inclined towards, although we need it and yearn for it.

We want someone we can rely on, count on, come through.

Yet our parents, BFFs and all will have moments when they cannot be all we need them to be.


In the midst of turmoil, the prophet Isaiah inserted this gem in chapter 26. Here it is, in three different English versions:

“The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in You. [NASB]

You will keep in perfect peace
    those whose minds are steadfast,
    because they trust in you. [NIV]

You, Lord, give true peace.
    You give peace to those who depend on you.
    You give peace to those who trust you. [ICB]

Trust in God yields the fruit of conviction of mind, a steadfastness, and peace.

Conviction of mind is important for us to enter into interactions. It offers us an anchor and a vision for where we want things to go. But it needs the other two, or it can be mere stubborness and even a hurtful bull-dozing.

Steadfastness is needed because mistrust easily creeps back into our psyche. We ask endless 'what ifs'... and back-pedal or stall due to this. Being steadfast allows us to hold on and plod through these moments.

Peace in the Bible is not so much an emotional state, but a relational state. Hence trusting God gives rise to peace as we recognise that God is larger and stronger than our arguments and defenses. We go into dialogue and seek the possibility of understanding, and even communion by holding on to this peace and letting it become the atmosphere for the encounter and interaction.

Recently I read an excerpt from Kay Warren's heart-rending story of how her early years of marriage were a wreck. She had stumbled upon pornography as a young woman and that had filled her with a darkness and a guilt that seeped into her marriage. Pornography is a dehumanising deed, degrading both the those who watch it and those who perform for it. They also got married very young when much of their life values and skills were not matured. Like all couples, Kay and Rick gave each other plenty of ammo to choose a lack of trust.

But they tore asunder the wool being pulled over them. They chose instead to trust God, and from there, to trust each other, again and again.

If there is any relationship as intense and as open to abuse, it is the marriage. Two lives, two hearts, two totality, coming together like rivulets crashing together into a turbulent stream.... a powerful force that can shape what it meanders around.

And perhaps this is why the marriage is a sign of the Kingdom. When two hearts can learn to rest in trust in the Heart of Love, and slowly pick up the skills to speak, listen, and act out of trust in God and each other, that training will overflow into other areas of life. That unity will sustain other lives (children especially) through the inevitable seasons of life. That union will showcase that the genders can co-operate and bring out the best in each other, and not compete as if there is only space for one gender.

If you are not married, there are yet plenty of places to grow to trust.

As we trust God, His trustworthiness folds into our being and we too grow to be able to trust others and ourselves better.

a thousand lights that won't lead us home.. but one that will : Christmas peace friends!

Every year, the main shopping belt in Singapore gets lit-to-the-max. Yes, it is Christmas, the season for shops and retailers to cast a wide net and gather a huge catch. Lights help here: those glorious baubles, stars, 3D castles, machine-generated snow... the gold, blue, red, diamante colours.

It is a beautiful and enchanting sight that lifts the soul, if for a few moments, to some higher plane of wonder, delight, and relish.

Yes, we even call in those arctic creatures, the reindeer to help rein in the crowds and gamely remind them of the ho-ho of it all - the goodness of giving and receiving.

Perhaps these lights draw us in and lift us because we are afraid of the dark and darkness. Which one of us has not had a frightful experience with that? The child begs for the light to stay on for monsters lurk in the dark. When we cannot see, our minds run a lil' wild.

But there are lights, and there are lights.

Leaving a lil night light is helpful enough, but there are lights we torch that can hurt us ~

...all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand: you will lie down in torment.   

~ Isaiah 50v11

Major ouch.

A lack of peace,
a turning and a tossing,
a fearful anticipation.

fretting over gifts (we hope to have and wish to give)
worrying we may forget someone 'important'
feeling still angry, even hating
knowing deep within we are unforgiven and unforgiving
lonely
afraid as the days are turning into a new year and your plans are drafts

For everyone single one of these we may well have some plan, answer or defense made ready.
But our little torches of how to answer and 'don't dwell on it' won't suffice to get us to experience the angelic announcement over this season: peace on earth and goodwill to man.

You have no idea how much light you need if you won't consider how dark it can get.

No one brings a toy torch light or a half-filled gas lamp for a camping trip in the wilderness.The dark will soon overtake and it will be futile. We are camping for a while in a wide wilderness, en route home. Yes, we can build a campfire in this case. But sometimes. the journey takes us to deserts and strong winds and all we have is sun, moon and stars. The Bedouins learn to rest when it's too hot to travel and navigate by moonlight and stars.

But we? We just push on. City folk with our days made long by artificial light, our sense of prowess and control reiterated to us with every successful sale, every goal attained, every relationship milked. We push on. When we are not sure, we look inside our bag for another torch to light the way.

All this while, the darkness can be encroaching upon us. We wake up and we are shocked at the world news. What has our world come to?!

Christmas is God entering this world engulfed in darkness and piercing the dark to let in the Light.

The storytellers are right: it is an epic battle of dark and light.

A battle out there,yes, but really, it begins inside us. Each of us.

How about this Christmas we let the smaller lights remind us of the Great Light.

Jesus said,

I am the Light of the world, whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. ~ John 8v12

In the wild as in the desert, no one travels alone. You file up and you want to make sure you follow a trustworthy guide. Jesus offers to lead us, to light the way. He invites us to fall in step.

Stop dashing around. Stop ignoring your heart's cries, aches and longings. The caverns of our soul is a huge space for Light to enter and shine around - as the darkness flees.

This Christmas, amid all the lights and sights, how about slowing down and sitting with Jesus, rest from the heat of the day and talk about your heart; and invite the Light in.

Peace on earth, goodwill to man - - because peace in us, goodwill to you!

I am a witness, and a servant

We like to think we made things happen. After all -

we planned the trips
we cooked the meals
we rounded up the people
we bought the gifts
we made the trip
we prayed the prayers

Then yesterday, as a group of us middle-aging ladies, laughing over the silliness of our age, sitting deeper into our chairs and talked together, I was drawn to this ~

"you are my witnesses, declares the LORD, and my servant whom i have chosen.." 
~ Isaiah 43v10

Who me?
I am a witness it says. It means that I have seen things. I was there at the scene. I was privy to certain happenings. I saw it.

Some philosopher once said we are lonely until we now our lives have been noticed; that we have witnesses to our existence. Perhaps this is why we crave attention, affirmation, and if we are bold enough, pre-arrange for our funeral eulogy (why not?). There is this famous line from that movie, Shall We Dance when Susan Sarandon says:

You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'.

We need witnesses. God has granted us unique finger prints so we know that we can leave our mark. Our lives matter, always - to someone, and in the end. 

We are familiar too with the idea that God watches over us and some of us are afraid of that dread day when our lives are played like a movie for all to watch {who came up with this scary idea?}.

But here the prophet Isaiah says God considers us His witnesses. This means that the action is happening outside of us. We are the watchers, the onlookers at Life and Grace playing out.

This means that for God to be real to us; we need to find Him real. We need to witness Him about our lives, our world. 

Witnessing God is what leads to knowing, believing, and then, understanding -

"...so that you may know and believe and understand that I am he." 

When we don't take notice of God, our faith shrinks. Growing faith confidence begins with what we notice, observe, see.

God in, God grows, God out. 

Witnesses tell of what they have seen and felt and known.

So how much of my life reveals God?

Recently, one of my favourite ways of remembering people is to think of how they remind me of God. Some of them show me His generosity, others help me remember that He is kind. There is jocularity, mercy, forgiveness, truth-telling, and more.

What of my life? What of yours?

And then, we are His servants. 

Seriously, most of Christianity today pays lip service to this. The way we talk and live make it looks more like God is serving us, isn't it? In fact, our moods, commitments and valour rise and fall according to how we perceive God has treated us. We are in the centre, and on the throne not God. 

Perhaps the two are linked. 

If we witnessed more of God, we would know our place as His servants more readily. 


We are His servants by choice - let us notice God and see how in our lives he is working to bless others.

"you are my witnesses", declares the LORD, and my servant whom i have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. 

Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me..."

So, have you noticed God today?

And just for parents, here: wisdom of revealing God to our children {click, and be enriched}

Journey to the never dried-up Well #9

I have begun reading Isaiah to re-encounter Jesus who shall soon suffer, die and rise triumphant.

In my younger days, I dreaded to touch the pages of prophetic writ; all that fire, fierce anger, judgment... But now, I have lived longer and I see how accurate the words are.

The contrast in  -
judgment and mercy
anger and longing
desolation and life
destruction and perfection

Soul, it is easy to feel lost in our world of contrasts. It is easy to feel wedged between the hard places of our many burdens and our need for rest. It is easy to become overwhelmed by the sights, sounds and suggestions. It is easy to lose our way, to become alarmed, to be fearful.

Today, may this song - true to the Word, filled with images true to our world, and yet carried by a peaceable, anointed melody wash you over and may these closing words of the prophet bring you strength ~

"I will extend peace to her like a river..." {66v12} 

Be not afraid {click here for song}

CHRISTmas manifesto

manifesto (n) :  a written statement declaring publicly the intentions, motives, or views of its issuer

Yesterday in the enlivening cover of the cool morning air, it dawned on me that Christmas, orchestrated before time, wild beyond our imaginations, had come with some 'instructions'. God has not left it all shadowy and open to speculation. There isn't meant to be twenty versions of how, who, what about Christmas. 

God first unveiled the CHRISTmas manifesto some seven hundred years to an statesman-prophet Isaiah:

The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light;

on the inhabitants of a country in shadow dark as death

light has blazed forth

For a son has been born for us,

a son has been given to us..

No more stumbling in the dark. No more trying this way and that.

A blazing light is now available. turn your sights and be dazzled and find it's illuminating rays all about you - a warm, strong cloak that says you are known and you are safe.

All of us share this little child, this boy. Ours. Come close and stroke his soft cheeks. This gift of life -yours and mine together! You did not father him, i did not carry him; yet now, he is ours!

Each of us look at a child and marvel, wonder, wish... But with this child, this CHRIST, we are given understanding about how to see him. He's not here to fulfil our wishes. His character, abilities and impact are described for us:

dominion has been laid on his shoulders

and this is the name he has been given,

Wonder-Counsellor

Ask of the CHRIST what you need to have a heart full of wonder and worship. We live too often at the level of mere function. It's a tic-toc world and we are satisfied with clockwork. God did not create us - setting us in a lush garden filled with creation that continues to baffle and dazzle us, just so we can get on with it. No, we're meant to marvel, wonder, gasp in awe and let is all come out in praise and adoration of the Creator. The very lives we have, each sometimes so filled with mundane minutiae are no less works of Grace and tender love. We need this season to see our lives with fresh eyes - to ask the wonder-counsellor for eyes to see, heart to feel and minds to think brave.

Mighty-God

Yes, it's but a helpless babe. But he has come to destroy the works of the devil and rescue the world from darkness' clutches. Might is all His. Might is defined by him. Where do you feel weak, unable and afraid, overwhelmed and intimidated this season? Go to the God of might. Sit with Him for He is a giving presence. Go often and come away stronger.

Eternal-Father

Your father and mine - busy, absent, careless, no longer around... The strength, direction, example we long for is available. Christ shows u God is our eternal father. Our failures, crazed ideas and inconsistency won't turn him away. He will always be.

Prince-of-Peace

O to come to Christ and just feel the peace. No words needed.

I'm guessing one of these means more to you now. Go ahead, write it down, draw it, dream it, memorize it, sing it, dance it! 

The gift has been delivered. Go ahead, unwrap it and enjoy it. You need Him.

{the New Jerusalem Bible NJB is used here}