The Future Is Here

It is, because it first exists in our minds and hearts.

Yes, the future is here, lurking between the spaces of want-dream-pain avoidance-ambition-expectations ----- and it is propelling you.

Jesus told us plainly, "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matt 6)

How many years have I known these words from the Gospel? Several decades. But it's a living, present word because -

what we treasure changes with time
often what we treasure is a reflection more of a pain we want to avoid than a dream we dare to own
God wants to be our always-treasure

When I was a teen, I had visions of success (have I shared the story about the sports car, the light rain and the handsome dude?)...which shifted with the years. As a leader and pastor, I had ideas of what should be valued, fought for, stressed out about. As a parent, how my children turn out is a huge chunky preoccupation!

I also learnt that sometimes I treasure something (way too much) because somewhere along the way, it became a part of who I am (the cool lady pastor perhaps? not really, but it nearly did). Certainly, there was a time God has to awakened me to how I idolised a 'perfect' marriage, simply because I was in pain that my parents did not have that.



So now that my children are growing way too fast, with one at (gasp!) marriageable age even -- I realised that I have so far prayed vague, right-sounding prayers for their future. You know the stuff of 'I surrender them to You', 'You have a future' type thing, only occasionally daring to foray into what their future may actually be about.

Just exactly ten minutes ago, the Holy Spirit whumped me on the head and I went 'oof!'. A clarity I am not capable of flashed before the screen of my mind and a truth surfaced: the future is hazy (this word always shows up in my post when the haze is around, hmm).


So try a simple exercise with me. Visualise the future, where your kids are adults:

What are they pursuing?
What are their priorities?
How will they relate to you?
What role will you play?

Wow. I have to admit that I am not fully ready for these questions.

There is a part of me that wants them to have commercial success (money is so useful)... I consider the young adults I know who have such success and must admit I see this: working long hours, escaping on vacations, developing costly hobbies, obsessing over online shopping, Netflix...

Well, ok, my children probably won't be like this. Of course they will be serving in church, possibly in leadership... but then I hit a ...haze.

It's not like I need to know, and God forbid that I try to control anything.


But I feel the Holy Spirit is inviting me to have a conversation about this.

It's an important conversation because I need to examine my treasure.
It's an important conversation because there are things I can put in place to support the unfolding.
It's an important conversation because God wants me to anticipate and grow my trust.
It's an important conversation because I need to shield their destiny with prayer.


I am quite certain the conversation and prayer will not end up with me being able to visualise the details. But it will do these three things:

keep my heart tender to what God wants (faith)
help me be positive to developments I witness in them (hope), and
be a constructive and empowering presence in their lives (love).

The Bible says these things last - treasures indeed. (1 Corinthians 13)


What about you?
What conversation are you having with God over the children He has called you to steward?


Here are some related reads:
Helping our children 'beat' the competition
3 Anchors for your child's bright future
Raising children who Contribute
Are we Future Ready?
Maid In Singapore Kids

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): Take Care To Do These, You Must.

Every parent-child relationship is unique.

Yet all relationships thrive with the same basic ingredients.

Last year at the launch of my first children's book The Seed From Heaven, some twenty eager children, confirmed this for me as they raced to answer my question:

What makes a seed grow?

Yes they all knew - sunshine, water, fertilisers. Care. A Source that gives.

Last night I asked everyone around the dinner table to talk about their average day. Predictably, we all talked about the tasks and the events. As if we are nothing but functionaries. Yea, do you feel it too, that our conversations revolve around tasks, functions, timings? Then when you hit a pause, you feel this vast emptiness or a breathlessness? And before you can examine it, the next thing is screaming for attention?

So we move on from task to task, often not quite clear about the Why, and at times, weariness and even resentment builds up. And our best coping mechanism is to turn to our screens for distraction.


An educator shared with me how teenagers in Singapore when asked about what mattered to them, how they felt about certain things, who they deeply connect with, struggled to give coherent, convincing responses. Most of them quizzically asked if there was a 'right' answer!

Folks, we are

Feeling
Thinking
Acting

beings. But mostly, we Act (pun intended), and we do so without enough sensitivity to our environment: how the person is feeling, how many things we are managing at one time, what are the real costs involved (besides monetary), who may be affected in the longer-term, what is being heard and imbibed?

In Singapore (and it's spreading), when we tend to make simple equations eg. hard work = good grades, we can lose sight of so much and really mess up!

With hindsight, now that my children are 18 and 13, I believe that if we are to raise proper persons, fullsome beings, there are 5 things we must do. 5 areas we must become adept at. They aren't easy. We can protest that no one did these for us. We say 'there's no guarantee anyway'. But friends, parenting isn't easy. It's the one job you can't put a price tag on. You will tear your hair out at times, cry, be sleep deprived. worry silly... If it requires so much of us anyway, let's use the energy and make the sacrifices count!

We each have only so much energy in a day. I challenge my fellow parents to use it wisely and prudently. With your energy, would you spend it posting on Fb, creating Insta, shopping for deals, or developing your parenting wisdom and muscle? Learn to master these 5, you won't regret it.


#1 Build Emotional Bonds
I still remember asking a childcare teacher why the toddler was crying. She replied, "I don't know, she likes to cry". So I shot back, "Do you like to cry? There is always a reason."

What does an infant, a toddler, a primary school kid, a teen, an adult have in common? Emotions. The full range of it. It's just that we have to be taught the words for them, what they mean and how to master them so that they serve us.

The only way to do this is to acknowledge the emotions, connect with it and help them make sense of it. And even the infant can get this - and this is how you bond.

Emotions are ferocious things. Even adults get into tailspins from them. Affairs? Misdemeanour? Road Rage? Yup, those emotions kicked started them all.

An infant who is soothed, rocked, kissed, spoken to gently will not grow up afraid of her emotions. With each growth stage, we can teach vocabulary, coping strategies, communication skills.

You are feeling sad (to a two year old)
Tell me why are you sad (to a five year old)
What do you feel like doing when you feel this sad? (to a teen)
What is sadness really, what does it point to? (to a young adult)

The seat is saved for you, mom//dad!

When our emotions are not acknowledged, we don't connect. Cue the wife who says ruefully, "he never listens, just want to jump to a solution". Or the boss? Yes, we get it. We long for connection, to be understood, not to be fixed.

This is so foundational and so critical as connection creates a safety net.

Emotional connection is developed in myriad ways. There is a reason why the human baby is so helpless compared with all other animals. Your hug, hand-holding, pat on the back, look in the eye, gentle words, everyday things you do for them...tells the child he is not all alone in this vast and scary universe.  It tells him there is a home base he can return to after he has explored, attempted or failed.This is why it is so important not to let the maid (if you have one) do the work of caring for your child. It is easy to see feeding, diaper changing, rocking to sleep, bathing as mere chores. They are not. They are means of communicating love, affection, care, security. They say, "Your needs are valid. You are important enough for me to stop and meet your need. I want you to be clean, safe, satisfied.". They are opportunities to connect.

image from SingaporeMotherhood

Without these, parents can turn into administrators, finance officers and disciplinarians! How many of us feel a happy connection with these?

Parents, you are the real home your child needs.   


I remember that Dove once did an advertisement where they asked moms and maids questions about their young children. There was a huge outcry when the videos revealed that it was the maids who could answer

what is your child's favourite food
who is your child's best friend
what TV program does your child like to watch

I can understand the many reasons mothers go out to work and so forth. But what a sad commentary, and I fear that there may be a greater outcry later when the kids pull away from the parents or when the relationships remain largely functional and shallow.

Without oversimplification, we can see several social trends that may well be related: working women, increased anxiety in children, families characterised by stress, parents who are suing their children for neglect.

We do reap what we do
What goes round, comes round.

Fear is a bad motivator, so I prefer to tell you this: truth, fun, silliness, and authenticity characterise my relationship with my children. We are drawn to each other. There is enough safety for us to talk about our fears and flaws. As much as I pray for them, they know they can and must pray for me. We look forward to family meals and times away together. They still fight to share the bed with me. I have grown in stature and strength, wisdom and wit. I am thriving professionally.

I did not grow up with much of this. We were poor and heart-to-heart conversations were hard when your parent speaks mostly a dialect while you are more conversant in English. But I have a rich bond with my mom, and now a richer one with my children. My mom modeled amazing parenting with her limits, and I have sought to be more for I have been blessed with more.

You can start by making a simple checklist:

Have I -

_ met a physical need my child has personally with a smile
_ said something affirming and kind today
_ sat with my child quietly for a few moments
_ showered physical affection
_ observed my child carefully for her growth needs
_ done something my child enjoys

My parenting years have not been easy, especially with a back injury. There have been many sacrifices. My children were so different, I had to learn two distinct parenting styles. My marriage wasn't always strong. I have  suffered traumatic losses of loved ones. Yes, there are many fronts to battle. Forging on with some clear anchors has made all the difference. And though the entire journey, I am encouraged and enabled to take the next intentional step because there is fruit - every step of the way, and now, there is a maturing of that fruit. I look forward to the days ahead!


Your journey will be different, but the basic ingredients are the same dear fellow parent.


Please share your thoughts, and help me think stronger with any questions you have in the comments.

Watch for the next post on #2: provide a sense of safety and security: are we rich?
To be sure you don't miss it, fill in your email on the right, and the post will be in your Inbox when I post it - the wonders of technology to serve us :)


And by the way, this is how the Bible describes those who turn to God in faith:

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, 

that we should be called children of God! 

~ 1 John 3v1

you are the best parents for your child(ren): raising children to contribute

Do you feel like you need a break? Do you ever wonder if your children are wishing (or they may have told you) that they want a break?

Is breathlessness, sleeplessness, even a sense of pointlessness pervading our souls?

The last post on Beating Competition brought in this story from reader Kenneth:

"I grew up in a loving and close-knit family, with parents who cared deeply about my well-being and my future. I have two sisters, one a year younger than me, and another fourteen years younger. Growing up, I was always in competition with the first sister. My parents spurred us on by pitting us against each other in our grades, and it also didn't help that my sister was taller than me all the way until Junior College! 

Not only was I competing with my sister, I was competing with many of my classmates in school. Parents would share their children's test scores with one another, keeping track of everyone's performance. It stressed me out immensely, but in the end I achieved the consistent good results that my parents hoped for. So did my sister, who consistently did better than me each year! For me at least, it was almost entirely because of the competitive environment and the tireless pushing from my parents that I achieved the academic success of my youth. 

Fast forward many years - I was awarded an overseas scholarship and studied at a good university in the States. But after completing my bond of seven and a half years in a stable corporate environment, I resigned - with great relief...."

relief   rɪˈliːf/

1.  noun. a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress.

We need relief when we feel held, strained, pressed: I am guessing that's too many of us. 


And relief comes when we dare to see it. Kenneth did.

This young man blessedly met, loved and married a beautiful lady and shares ~

"...the moment we got married, we realized the utter pointlessness of living a life in constant competition with man. Experiencing love convinced us that life was too precious to be spent chasing something that seemed to have little purpose beyond being a means to satisfy the dream of eventual happiness, something that we could already enjoy in our love for each other. And as we grew in our understanding of God's love for us, it made us even more bewildered about our previous desires to become richer, smarter, or better looking than the people around us.

So we have both left our "promising" careers behind, satisfied that we no longer have any desire for what they promised."

Thanks to Scotsman Adam Smith (died 1790), our economies are built on the basic premise that everything proceeds and is governed by self-interest and competition; that is, we act for our own gains and we improve what we do because we don't want to lose the ability to work/sell/buy...it is the survival of the fittest in economic terms - except - by now, we must come to realise that while he isn't totally wrong; competition favours those with resources to begin with.

One of Singapore's core values is meritocracy; and many of us are children of this wonderful value that has allowed us to become socially and economically mobile. But as a nation, we realise too that we no longer begin at the same starting line these days. While disparity and inequality has always existed, the gap is so large these days, it's as if we hark back to feudal days of dismal poverty versus extreme displays of wealth.

We were watching TV the other night and CNA ran two adverts back to back: India's Stolen Generation showed a young lady speaking of rape, images of children being herded while an activist declares that child disappearances are a daily occurrence. Immediately after that came an advertisement about a travel show, the hosts hamming it up and plying the good life. I muttered to my mighty teen, "this doesn't feel right", and she replied, "this is the world what".

As it had been a particularly hot day, we turned on the aircon - aware that we are living under the shadow of looming global crises that can no longer be sorted with simple measures.

Findings from other fields also highlight to us how interconnected and interdependent we really are. Certainly, instability that arises from disenchantment, anger, and a sense of futility upsets everyone - and is a key cause for religious radicalization.

When we scratch the surface, it's easy to see that our current systems predicates upon selfishness and greed -- and look where that has led us.

So perhaps it is time for a new paradigm; and it may not need to come from a thinker. It can come from us - who raise and shape the coming generations.


Let's hear the rest of Kenneth's story:

"I decided to join my wife in our small pottery business*, with a total family income of less than half my original individual salary. We have spend the past year creating works of ceramic art that are, although lacking in technical mastery, reflective of our new journey of faith and joy. As we share this journey with our pottery workshop participants, our lives present an alternative for their consideration. The local ceramics market is very small... but we plan our work to avoid  competition with fellow artists; instead seeing them as collaborators in the push for a more vibrant local art culture. We continue to study under Mr Lim Kim Hui, one of the established local potters in Singapore, because we admire his love for the art form and his willingness to share his vast experience with his students.

I'm only 34, and with only 8 years of working experience mainly in a competitive corporate environment ....  But what I know is that all the years of being a successful student and professional has never once delivered on its promise of happiness. But every ceramic vessel I have made; every moment I spend helping our workshop participants make theirs; every time I see the smile on my wife's face, gives me the kind of joy that no amount of academic, financial or material achievement can give."

 But it isn't easy, at all.

Just take the matter of household chores. I am guessing your kids are not jumping at the chance to do them, much notice things that need a little tidying, neatening, care....and take the initiative to do them?

Recently, I am troubled afresh that my children's lives revolve around themselves; specifically since school is so demanding. I have met so many parents who serve their children: chauffeuring, cooking, planning, studying alongside... the mantra is"the poor kids are so stressed already, they can't do anything else". This leads them to a lifestyle that basically revolves around them surviving a system and finding relief through entertainment and vacation.

It's all good if their hardwork pays off. But not all enjoy academic success. And do we really want our children's lives to be all about study (and resting from it)? Many of them find it rather pointless too!

I remember being told when I was young that doing well in school would bring us a better future. I wanted that better future. My parents were struggling to make ends meet. The entire family shared one wardrobe. Everything was scarce. A better future with more food, clothes, and options was good and needful. But today, what do our children aspire towards? Parents tell me they are raising children who want to become Youtube sensations!


I don't think we want our children to inherit a world marked by more strife.

Rather, we want them to learn to contribute, to collaborate, to problem-solve, to make a difference by using their gifts and pursuing their interests. We want them to be mission-al, not adrift. We want them to have hope, not feel and learn helplessness. We want them to study and shape the systems of society not extract what they can and leave others lagging behind. We want them to have friends, know laughter, and manage losses with an upbeat spirit.


We know it's a bitter life when we compete. So why foist it upon our children? And how will it turn around in the end? Will we be bitten by a system that indoctrinates us that each man must be for himself?

The ramifications go way beyond career choice - and - the decisions about the future are always made today.

2 boys find a way to rescue pup

Share your ideas:

How can we help our children not to fear the future, to be future-ready?

What changes must we make to help our children live with a more outward orientation, to see themselves as contributors and not mere consumers?

And, 3 anchors to hold us steady 

So much thanks & shout out to Kenneth & Huiwen {what a beautiful couple right?} 

must check out their amazing pottery here -} Asobi

You are the best parents for your child(ren): how to bless your children

Mom bless
Pop bless
We bless you!

Every parent wants to bless their child(ren). But sometimes it can be hard.

It can be hard when you find your resources limited, you simply cannot afford what is touted as 'advanced, best, enlightened'.

It can be hard when they irk us with their demands, expectations, and what feels to us like pathetic levels of endurance and patience - these softies raised on a diet of fast, quick, and easy.

It can be hard if our picture of blessing is a plump and statuesque pronouncement that their future is secure because we have an estate or because, like those grand biblical figures, we call upon the Almighty and our word is good as gold.

It sure can be hard. It's hard to bless our children when we wonder if we are blessed.

To bless is a soul exchange. It is to impart and leave something that will live on. It is an extension of one's substance, a sharing of one's joys, an offering of one's life; so that another will thrive and exceed us.

What do we have within us and our means that can do that for our children?

1. We bless our children when we live blessed.

Every home is defined ultimately by the choices parents make. If a home is filled with anger, tension, a sense of lack and frustration; it is how the parents have chosen to live. A home that resonates with peace, joy, and abundance begins with parents who know how to find and fill themselves up with the these gifts of life. We cannot give what we don't already own.

2. We bless our children when we build them up.

God has shown me that parents are trailblazers. Each unique life is a fresh trail of possibility and love. Each child God's imprint of hope upon our worn ways and days. Parenting is about finding a whole dimension of yourself as you make sacrifices to help your child find his feet, his shoes, his path in life. I am mot thinking of sitting in hours reading the papers while waiting for your child to emerge from enrichment. I am not sure if that is sacrifice. But all parents have to say 'no' to some things in order to say 'yes' to their children's needs, requests and growth struggles.

It takes homework and housework to feed and fit a child for life. It takes targetted prayer and persistent effort to discover strengths, overcome weaknesses and explore territories.

Do you know what milestone is coming up for your child? What he may find overwhelming, difficult, enjoyable? We cannot anticipate every outcome and should not; but we should track where we are on the trail and find resources to keep going in the right direction.

3. We bless our children when we bless the LORD.

Recently, I have been coming up against a new kind of hard too. The voice that whispers, "You never had all of this. Kids these days are so 'spoilt'. Time to dish out the tough stuff..."

It's hard to be a blessing when you are assailed by doubts; and we all have doubts. After all, the terrain is new. The world is changing ever so fast. We expect too much or too little. We try too hard or not enough....

But precisely so, we need to find anchors and a compass to navigate our way.

Also I notice that this voice always makes me pull back from being trusting, generous and joyful: indicators that I should beware of its source.

The voice of dubious origin (perhaps not so dubious) often has some ground to stand on. In this case, it is true that our children have a lot more provided and going for them. Just consider the wonderful reality that is the air-conditioning. I did not have that. Even without global warming, I remember sweating and soaking through some nights.

Yes it is true that our children seem to have nothing to worry about except their studies (friendships, skin condition, clothes), but the more I recognise how the lack I grew up with impacted me; I am glad they have a secure base with which to venture forth from.

But generations come and go; and life will go on until it is time for The Total Re-haul when Christ comes again. In the meantime, all of our movements and crazy spinning can go off orbit unless we set in our hearts that our lives will bless God and that becomes our true north.

I know as a young person I struggled with what felt like a restrictive notion: living for God. But now, I discover how freeing it is, what focus it gives, and how fruitful life can be when we have a way to gauge the value and quality of our days without being bombarded by the whims of our unsteady hearts and the winds of change around us.

Psalm 100

Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.

Serve the Lord with gladness and delight;
Come before His presence with joyful singing.

3 Know and fully recognize with gratitude that the Lord Himself is God; It is He who has made us, [a]not we ourselves [and we are His]. We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

4 Enter His gates with a song of thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, bless and praise His name.
5 
For the Lord is good;
His mercy and lovingkindness are everlasting,
His faithfulness [endures] to all generations. {Amp version}

Mom bless
Pop bless
We bless you!

Because, God has declared it so.

And o, here is something...especially for fathers !

You are the best parents for your child(ren): 3 anchors for your kids' bright future

Go on and ask me. Yes, the Q:

how much is enough?

This question comes at us especially when we feel the harsh winds that augur breakage. Did I do 

teach
discipline
care
pray

enough?

Until bottle feeding became vogue so that we could mark of how many mililitres the little one drank; the babe just sucked, we felt lighter..and then it was enough, most of the time!

We have invented so many ways of measuring ourselves: weight and height charts, growth goals, nutritional intake charts, and of course the all-important school grades. It's little wonder we ask ourselves this Q. 

Just that it's really hard to actually measure many things in life; especially those that matter.

Did we love enough? Some days it just doesn't feel like we did - and it's often those days we've worked to our bone already! Or maybe we tried what worked before; but it doesn't work this round.

So to be honest, I don't know when any of it is enough. 

But perhaps that's the wrong question after all. 

We may be better off starting off with a vision of what life is all about and preparing our children for it. For those of us who live and love with a view of eternity, here are 3 things to anchor on: 

1. soak them in Scripture

Religion is boring. Truth is not. The Bible is truthful about the human condition. The Bible brings forth Truth by recording for us who God is and what the world is about. The Bible can surface truth in our hearts as we let it wash over us.

One of the most astounding things for me to this day is how both my children are drawn to God because of the pictures, stories, wonder, awe, and reality they encounter in Scripture. I felt I rarely needed to explain or defend God to them. He is there within the pages. My son said spontaneously when he was three that he really wanted to meet Jesus!

A side benefit: mothering in the earliest days was a lot of daily humdrum. Singing the songs of faith - fun, quirky, contemplative - were life-savers for me. The beat helped keep my feet moving and the music drew child and mother into a larger circle.

2. show them how you get through the hard stuff

We all want to feel secure. Yet life can throw so many surprises at us. Job losses, friends turning away, romance all but fizzled out, repeated disappointments... Children get their share of disappointment too. The sudden rain. The haze. The toy that cannot be shared / bought... We need to live through these things without becoming a cynic or a crusty old soul.

In your choices, your prayers, your countenance (yes, smile still), children find hope and build resilience as they watch us breathe deep and walk on.

3. seek big dreams {and don't conclude too soon}

Perhaps 1 in a million kids really have a clue what they want to be and do. They may change their minds still.

One of the things we regularly forget is how wonderful ordinary is. There's nothing 'ordinary' - not as Mother Teresa reminds us, when we do little things with great love!

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." ~ Galatians 5v6

Faith is believing in something you don't quite yet see. {Wait, don't get carried away with your unfulfilled dreams and beware trying to live your life over again through your children!}. It is really hard to imagine how our children will finally turn out. I have certainly met enough parents who have sighed a huge relief that after tempestuous years; the children emerged right side up after all!

The object of our faith then cannot be the future we dream up. It is faith in Someone, rather than something. Faith that Someone cares deeply and walks daily with you through the loops and twists.

And here's a warning: don't get all besotted with the spectacular. It is so easy these days when children can sing, dance, cook, and who knows what next!  I am truly amazed at the capabilities of these children. But I take care not to let my children seem less because of the glare from these shining, stunning ones.

Also, it's important to distinguish between what is spectacular and what is truly useful. I borrow these wise words from Eric Massanari:

Our excitable minds are easily drawn to all that appears exciting, attractive, innovative, and extraordinary. What’s more, the mind has an amazing, natural capacity for categorization and evaluation; we are quick to judge our experiences and encounters as pleasing or displeasing, welcome or unwelcome, holy or unholy. Given these tendencies we can be found grumbling our way through the mundane, anxiously suffering through the pain, and chasing after transient moments of pleasure. An entire consumer culture has been built around our preferences, trying to sell us all manner of things and experiences to amplify the pleasure, avoid the boredom, and anesthetize the pain.

{ The stories of scripture are full of women and men who are learning how to perceive the presence of God in the midst of their daily rounds and the shadowed valleys of their lives }

This isn’t just a modern phenomenon, of course; it is an old human story, as the biblical scriptures attest. The stories of scripture are full of women and men who are learning how to perceive the presence of God not only in moments of spiritual clarity and joy, but also in the midst of their daily rounds and the shadowed valleys of their lives.More than one character in the Bible echoes the words of Jacob who, surprised by God in the middle of a particularly barren moment, says: “Surely the Lord is in this place—and I did not know it!” (Genesis 28:16).

With faith-eyes, we seek to focus in on the daily Holy; but just in case we get all uptight {and some of our personalities are pretty strong on right/wrong spectrum} the verse says that faith needs to express itself in a loving way.

So guide your children lovingly to the One who knows and loves them without end. Help them discover dreams that are useful, work that adds value, creative endeavours that bring positive change.

Of course, along the way, you will be racked with many moments of doubt.... I always thought my daughter will make a great lawyer; or perhaps not....Not going to Law school after all? It's not the end of the world! It's not even the end of the story of her life. In fact, setbacks, obstacles and detours are part of what shape and define us.

Hold out those dreams that they will live large and love deep. Don't let who they are now fool 
you. Dream big and don't conclude too soon.


See God, real, present and at work. Help them take another step in the right direction.

Our destiny is found in our footsteps.
The imprint we leave is traced by  the footprints we make.

And the hope for our wrecked world? This -

credit: many thanks to Leunig!

a truly merry Christmas

There's lots of help going around this busy season: where to eat, what to buy, where to get the best and cheapest!

Here's something on how to have a truly merry Christmas - from moi!

First, it's important to be merry. Perhaps you are not given to episodes of melancholy like I am, but I am sure life gets busy, difficult and tiring enough that being merry just seem so....naive!

Well, when the angels lit up the night sky with the out-of-this-world proclamation; they cried out "Peace on earth! GoodWill to men!" These words have always intrigued me. We simply see and feel and share too little of this. The angels are telling us something deep, permanent and essential has changed! God Himself is not to immersed in human history that all of humankind cannot help but be able to taste peace and share goodwill. If we ponder this long enough... we cannot help but chuckle in surprise, do a little gig and scream 'Merry Christmas!'. 

Here is Merry.


mer·ry  [mer-ee] 
adjective, mer·ri·er, mer·ri·est.
1.
full of cheerfulness or gaiety; joyous in disposition or spirit: a merry little man.
2.
laughingly happy; mirthful; festively joyous; hilarious: a merry time at the party.
3.
Archaic. causing happiness; pleasant; delightful

Now for getting truly merry.

#1 remember the point of it all
If God has come and the great Promise had been kept - that our world can be saved; do not fret about that party, present or person already!

#2 spread a little merry
think of someone, no matter how distant from your orbit (okay, pray God shows you someone) - and consider how this person experiences happiness and do something to bring a smile (or a tear).

#3 join the merry
you probably aren't glum as a person; but very few of us know how to really look up and live. look around for something that will really lift your spirit and be there! (thanking God you can)

Have a really Merry Christmas friends!

None of my business..?

It was bound to happen. Unhappy experiences where we feel things could be done better. The question is do we give the feedback - especially when it probably won't face us again? Should we improve things for -- others?

my mom with my lil girl...long ago! 

Last week i bought a hot drink from a vending machine. It was HOT! i nearly burnt my fingers. Seeing the pool admin staff walk by, i told her about the piping hot cup i was hoping not to drop on some running kid. She blandly said, 'we told them already' and then 'no' when i asked if she had a spare cup to help me hold that brimming cup-of-danger.

What? Pay for a way-too-hot drink, risk burning my fingers, needing to figure how to feed it to my kid...and this attitude? I admit i got too tired to implement my thought to ask her to put up a notice that says 'beware! drinks are very hot!

The other times it had to do with school. My son was leaving kindergarten so it won't impact him; but the school needed to know that some of what it did was counter-productive. Such as having a library period which lasted like 5 minutes where kids are whizzed in and out, their library cards, books all managed by the teacher...and how are they supposed to develop a love and respect for books?

I told the teacher anyway.

Because, we can each help make the systems work better. It may not seem to benefit me directly but then:
1.  I am contributing to my society's betterment.
2.  I model social consciousness for my child.
3.  It strengthens the community when communicated kindly.
4.  Everyone needs to know their work is noticed and taken seriously.

So at risk of being a kaypo (busybody), it's good to voice concern and give feedback. We live together and can make our world a lil tad better if we don't only look out for our interest alone.

Why we all need a foundation of happiness...impact on long-term overall health.

"What's important about this study is that it identifies a group of people who are prone to have depression and inflammation at the same time. That group of people experienced major stress in childhood, often related to poverty, having a parent with a severe illness, or lasting separation from family. As a result, these individuals may experience depressions that are especially difficult to treat."

Another important aspect to their findings is that the inflammatory response among the high-adversity individuals was still detectable six months later, even if their depression had abated, meaning that the inflammation is chronic rather than acute. "Because chronic inflammation is involved in other health problems, like diabetes and heart disease, it also means they have greater-than-average risk for these problems. They, along with their doctors, should keep an eye out for those problems"...

To read the entire article:

Childhood adversity increases risk for depression and chronic inflammation

a lovely poem by Jane Tyson Clement:

"they are not mine"

enjoy the truth and feel freer --

O kids!

Anger's seedbed
i don't really know where all the anger came from - i who author a book about happy kids, no less! But since he was able to toddle, it became clear i had an angry child in my home. He stomps on the bug without compunction.  He swipes at the carer, he throws stuff..then come the fists, the words and those moments when he literally runs away!
Yes it does get tired and it's not easy not to dish out anger in reaction.
But hey, i'm the adult. Being angry is not a bad thing coz there are lots of things to be angry about in our world - and it may well take some really angry persons to set them right. i see justice-advocate imprinted on his little developing soul.
The seeds that carry a harvest of anger include: feeling powerless (if you have a smarty-pants older sister!), sensing ongoing frustration (how come i dont get to make the rules?), and sadness.
So i had to learn how to help him
1. recognise the different seeds
2. find the right way to plant them (express) or discard them
3. develop a problem-solving mindset rather than a victim mentality.

we have used
-colour coding at age 3 to describe levels of anger
- verbal expressions at age 3
-empathy at age 4
- self-control at age 4
- focus on the good at age 4
- scenario assessment & problem solving at age 5

The other day, after an outburst, he said "mom, i felt like half my heart fell to the ground..."
So i say, "how do we pick it up and put it back? wo can help?"
..."if we ...would someone else's heart fall to the ground..."

He got expression, empathy and problem solving..until the next day!

So far? Lots of friction and some traction. We made good distance but it's gonna be a marathon for sure.

a portait

here is the picture that looks back at me each time i get back to the lift lobby of the guest house i stayed in for four days in Bangkok. A friend who works there tells me that missing fathers and unfaithful husbands have come to be expected in many households.
So at first i had romanticised this picture and thought how much it made me miss my kids;
but the sad fact made this picture of a greater pain. True, where is the male figure in this picture?
What hope is this woman clinging to?