Me (you)? The (accidental) Proverbs 31 woman?

 Proverbs 31 did not appeal to me.

I was a mighty teen with grand dreams and staying at home layering out linen did not appeal to me. It felt too archaic and irrelevant as the bracing winds of feminism were blowing.

As a young adult, I found myself studying my mom’s story and the woman in Proverbs 31 felt too much like her - overworked. Never mind that the closing verses speak of how her children honour her.

But one day, when I read these words, I was astonished to recognise myself in it and feel that I could relate to her:

The words of King Lemuel, the oracle which his mother taught him:

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.

She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight.

She is like merchant ships; she brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She girds herself with strength

And makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, her hands grasp the spindle.

She extends her hand to the poor, she stretches out her hands to the needy.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies belts to the tradesmen.

Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her, saying: “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.”

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates.

How did I end up being the woman I was trying to avoid to become?

all images taken from Unsplash

God does not peddle in popular ideas or recommendations. God’s word offers us the truth. So while I did not like Proverbs 31, it is God's word about true femininity and God in his love for us will take all of us who are willing to let him lead the way.

I guess that's what happened to me.

I bumped up against my femininity at two fronts: the church’s political structure, and marriage. While my church embraced and empowered me in my growing years, things became bumpy when I joined the clergy. From sexist comments by parishioners to a sense of alone-ness and discomfiture with my predominantly male collegiate, it felt like I had to account for and explain my personhood.

Most of it went unsaid, but the systems had been designed and led by men for so long that it was hard for the brothers to empathize and hard for me to vocalize. More strident colleagues have advocated that I resist the underlying patriarchy, but I did not feel at peace about it. My brothers, I felt, were not my enemies. But what is unsaid would go underground and surface, often at really bad times. So I studied and prayed myself to a place of acceptance and peace. To say it is no longer an issue would be a lie. But to know that my selfhood originated and will be sustained by the Maker grants immense assurance and agency.

With marriage came the confusing journey of sexual interest, submission and surviving regular conflicts. It was not difficult to see that a good deal of all of this is gendered in origin, and that neither of us were well discipled beyond the ‘love your wife, submit to your husband’ rhetoric.

Too many marriage jokes abound around the stereotypes and caricatures, good for a momentary release of the valve of frustration, but can be unhelpful if they limit our growth. Stereotypes give us a false sense of knowledge and control, which is why they are so popular, but it can stop the innate fight in the human heart for that which is glorious and good.

This bumpy journey could make me hardened, cynical and even bitter. Thankfully, the Triune God met me repeatedly as the Father who cares, the Saviour and older brother who rescues and supports, and the sweet Spirit comforts and champions me.

At age thirty-three I became a mother. Due to my own longing for a permanent loving presence in my life, I chose to relinquish my clerical role to stay home. The decision would be tested many times, but it also bore much fruit.

Even as I am fiercely committed to my family, especially my children, I discovered that God my Abba was faithful and fiercely committed to do me good.

He helped me contest the stereotype of the dour housewife as He drew out my gifts, brought me cheerleaders and opened doors for me to be true to my convictions and to who I am.

Made in His image, I discovered my creativity and passion even as I served my family and the needs that came to my attention.

God gave me the capacity to endure and many times enjoy the humdrum of daily life by helping me notice the sunrises and sunsets - how repetitively glorious they are!

He chiseled away the idolatrous tendencies in my heart that drove me to fear and anxiety.

Even as my boy swelled to home a life, God enlarged my heart for children (I can’t wait to be a grandma!).

He established my gifts to the Body of Christ as a pastor and writer.

My feminine self is woven thick through all of these varied seasons and experiences of growth.

My femininity is not a liability.

It is in fact, precisely the other half of who God is, and what the world needs to see, experience and be impacted by.

The roads to fullness are many and I want to be wary of being prescriptive. However, as I worry about being too dogmatic to insist that women stay home when they become mothers, I am deeply convinced the women are uniquely shaped to do exactly that. Our brain circuitry, natural inclinations and abilities (read mental load bearing) enable us to envision and execute multiple roles.

In some ways, it may be good to examine if our sense of femininity has been attacked or reduced due to traumatic experiences or social pressure which we succumbed to.

Recently I read this article by Scott Hubbard (the warfare that is waged in the home) who skilfully explains how femininity is powerful, and the hearth is a unique space for that power to be honed.

Yes, to become fully woman in our identity and God's making of us, we have to take the home-front seriously.

And you don't have to be a wife or mother to do so, really.

"From beginning to end, then, the Proverbs 31 woman is not merely a homemaker. She is a victor on the feminine field of war."

We see the Bible explain how right from the beginning, in seeking to snuff out life, the enemy of life chose to attack the woman, causing a seismic loss of confidence in women and a bent to self-guilt (think of how easily we apologize even when it isn't our fault?).

Jesus Christ's full forgiveness and celebration of the feminine calls us to regain our rightful confidence and freedom.

"(T)he Proverbs 31 woman is not only countercultural now; she was countercultural then. A woman who fears the Lord always will be. If we cannot see the heroism in this homemaker, then, our ideas of heroism and womanhood may be shaped more by society than Scripture. As Alastair Roberts writes, “Our failure to see the heroism and strength of such a diligent and active woman is a failure to see the world as God does”

"G.K. Chesterton observed that all work outside the home necessarily turns us into specialists of one sort or another. It tends to make us narrow, not broad. ..e will find “marketing manager,” “insurance salesman,” “electrician,” or “mechanic.” Each of these jobs cultivates a person’s gifts, but only in a limited number of directions.

A wife and mother, on the other hand, is “generally shut up in the house with a human being at the time when he asks all the questions that there are, and some that there aren’t.... When a woman says she is a homemaker, she actually says she is a dozen things at once: teacher, interior decorator, cook, financial steward, craftswoman, cleaner, gardener, life coach, and so on. As such, she “does not ‘give her best,’ but gives her all.”

Which woman does not relate? The mother easily does, especially the way who stays home. But women everywhere know this to be true too. In the office, who does the job of bringing beauty, refreshment (and clearing up afterwards) and tasked to buy gifts and generate community ideas typically fall to?

"And then, “when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his son, born of woman” (Galatians 4:4). And what kind of woman? Not a soldier or a judge, not a leader or a queen, but rather a woman who heard God’s word and received it, who treasured up the promise as she labored in her home, who fought the serpent through faith in God, and thereby welcomed into Bethlehem the Savior of the world. In wars between nations, women at home think of their men on the frontlines. In the world’s cosmic war, mothers man the frontlines. Home is where the heroines are."

Just w-o-w.

I think i need to brew a cup of tea to savour what has happened to me.

How does one hold a sense of gratitude, pride, humility, hope and joy all together?

All is Grace.

(and I think my late mom would agree)

What has been hard for you about being a woman?

Does this post help you feel more excited and empowered?

Share in the comments.

How A Mother and Daughter-In-Law Can Teach us Hope

Recently I spoke about a mother and a daughter-in-law at a women's conference. More than six hundred women gathered to hear stories, and I was given the privilege to wrap up the conference.

But for me, the conference did not wrap up. This pair of women lingered on in my consciousness. I have thought about the story of this mother and her daughter-in-law for years now...but they surprised me by granting me keener insights.


The story of Naomi and Ruth is told in the Bible is four short chapters. It's not a pretty story when we take time to linger over what happened... .

Naomi had left her ancestral home with her husband and two sons to a foreign land. This may not strike us as tough today due to our movements. Yet if we sit with it for a while, we all know that moving is tough. There is so much to adjust to. Modern city-to-city move may seem relatively bearbable since our cities have many similar features with global culture today, but the realities are lives are abjectly lonely in crowded, busy cities.

Her sons mature and reach marriageable age, and they take on foreign wives. This is particularly significant for ancient Israeli culture as God had wanted them to keep their genealogy pure. But even today with cross-cultural marriages becoming more commonplace, it is easy to see the difficulties that attend it.

The story is told from Naomi's perspective and these bare facts are laid out quickly, and then it quickly goes south!

Naomi's husband and both sons die, too soon, leaving her a widow and childless, with two foreign daughters-in-law. Then famine hits.

In a fix, Naomi decides that her best option is to return to her ancestral land and relatives. But her daughters-in-law could be a real liability. They will be a living testament to Naomi's earlier decision to leave and the tragic outcomes of that choice. So Naomi tries to persuade them to go home. It sounds sensible too, as the women were still young and could potentially remarry and secure a future.

Then the story throws us a real spanner, for one of them, Ruth, not only refuses to leave, she makes this strange exclamation about her conviction that she actually shares Naomi's faith and sees herself as a part of the Jewish people:

 “Don’t force me to leave you; don’t make me go home. Where you go, I go; and where you live, I’ll live. Your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I’ll die, and that’s where I’ll be buried, so help me God—not even death itself is going to come between us!” ~ Ruth 1v16f

beringfamily.org

Many have speculated as to how Ruth came to hold such a view. Some suggested that Naomi must have been a shining example of faith.

But the story hints otherwise. The story records this heartbreaking revelation that many of us can identify with. Naomi laments over her life, where she tells those around her to call her 'bitter'. She saw the trajectory of her life as one that is afflicted and filled with misfortune. And don't we like her, sometimes run out of tears and find our lives in the valley too?

The thing is, Naomi actually means 'pleasant'.

This is a powerful literary cue for us.

All of us long for a pleasant, trouble-free life.

But Naomi's rather basic expectation from life was totally upended as her life basically fell apart.


So if it wasn't Naomi's shining example, we are left with a mystery as to RUth's faith and loyalty. The only clue we have is found in her name: friend.

Providentially, through this unsuited union, Naomi has been given a friend. And what do we most need in our darkest times? A reliable friend who would go the distance with us.

There is a palpable sense of hope - at least Naomi is no completely alone and desolate, having to fend for herself. Two women traveling miles to get anywhere would still be a dangerous idea, but it's far superior to a lone, old woman!

The two then reaches home safely and Ruth proceeds, with initiative to seek out a living for them by doing what she could: picking up grain that is being dropped during harvesting. From here on, the story unfolds with flow upon flow of Providence and Grace.

Eventually, Ruth is married to a rich relative who treats her honourably and they have a son who would become the ancestor of Jesus Christ!


1. When God sends a lifeline, take it.
We can say that Naomi is the Christian while Ruth appears not to be. Christians often feel the weight of being the ones to bless others. But there may be seasons when we are in dire need, and God will send us a lifeline that may seem unlikely. I hope we learn to reach for it.

Is there some uplifting resource, encouragement or direction that God is sending you? He can use a bird on a branch, the sunset, a poster, an article, music, solitude, or a human (even a stranger).

Never insist God serves you an answer the way you want it at the time you need it.

Provision and Timing are God's sovereign domain, and it is what builds faith and develops our relationship of trust in God.



2. What God has established, work within it.

In her desperation, Naomi could have begged, manipulated and stayed a victim. But as her circumstances clue her in to God's activity, she chose to trust afresh in God's order. One of which is that in ancient Israel, legal decisions are made by men. But she needed to communicate her need and sense if God has indeed opened a door. So she waited to sense what kind of man Boaz was, and then she tutored her DIL to seize the opportunity to convey the message of their need.

In our individualistic and fast-paced culture, it is hard to wait and see how others may be involved in the larger tapestry of what God is seeking to do. Also, we are often too impatient to understand what is truly going on and rush into our own solutions. Our solutions are often quite limited in wisdom and scope. But God's perspective and help is vastly different.

Are you under authority? Is there a channel for communication? Have you been given a word from Scripture (which God will not contradict!)



3. Witness God move you from your ideals to His destiny

Naomi could never engineer becoming related to Jesus Christ! Her ideal was a life of safety and relative ease. But God's destiny for her was different. Yes, it needed her to go on a path filled with sorrow - and it is not that God sends those sorrows. Life will hand us sorrows. But God kindly provided Ruth to help her transition to a whole different future - which included what she longed for: safety and security!

Naomi moved from pleasant, through the vale of bitterness and emerged hence:

The town women said to Naomi, “Blessed be God! He didn’t leave you without family to carry on your life. May this baby grow up to be famous in Israel! He’ll make you young again! He’ll take care of you in old age. And this daughter-in-law who has brought him into the world and loves you so much, why, she’s worth more to you than seven sons!” ~ Ruth 4v13-15

These thoughts fuel me with an equanimity and confidence, and gives me Hope.

I offer this Hope to you my friend.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): this thing about Legacy...

She turned 18 yesterday.

She says, "it's just another day".
The law says, "Now young lady, you may purchase alcoholic beverages and smoke and drive".
Her friends say, "time for a surprise, cards, gifts!"

Her parents, yes me and the dh, are predicatably busy and we took her to lunch with some friends who are staying with us. She shared a main course with me, didn't even need some special birthday dish of her own.



This morning, she let me read a couple of sweet cards her friends wrote her. Not to be outdone, I wrote her one, declaring it Da Best Card eva!

Someone wisely said:

we are not leaving a legacy for, we are leaving a legacy in our children.

To leave a legacy for amounts to storing up treasure to hand down. But a legacy you leave in someone, is a part of them, forever. I choose the latter (not to mention the former is a bit paltry).

Honestly, turning 18 must be a big deal. But we are tired from a busy month of work and had guests in the house. She has been studying hard for her upcoming exams...and told us not to go to any expense (see comment above).

I was feeling a tad guilty, wondering if I should have done more. I will ask her again if there is more we can do. For now, I turn to gratitude (far better than guilt friends!).

Then I realised something, as my memory kicks in.

Her birthday is for me (it sounds horribly selfish until you read on please).

The last few months, there have been very significant conversations and happenings. Even as I write this, God is giving me a birthday special for the last 18 years by showing me glimpses of who my daughter is becoming and what I have sown into her life all these years. I'll just share a few:


Simplicity
Last month when I was cleaning out some stuff, I took out a large box where I had kept items from their earliest days: first shoe, first dress from grandma, a favourite book... The daughter took one look and said, "Mom, give them away!".  When she was 13, I thought to take her shopping for clothes, coz most of the growing years we lived on hand-me-downs and purchases by me. After two hours of milling around, we bought two tee-shirts from Giordano and decided that talking over ice-cream was more fun.


Spiritual hunger
More than once, she comes to me with tears, wondering why God feels distant and is silent. I want to bang on God's door to demand passage for her. But he knows the journey she must take. It's a journey that began with spiritual sensitivity even at a tender age. She responded to an altar call at age three, writing to ask for the Holy Spirit. She had prophetic dreams. Then her conscience and her brains took centre-stage as she debated the merits of the faith. Yes this one who asked questions since age seven:

"Isn't it God's fault for putting the tree there in the first place?"
"How can anyone be good enough for heaven?"
"What if it's a hoax?"

We discussed, debated and opened up books and our own lives to her.

I opted for her to do a study program that is broader and she went to a Catholic school. More questions!


Sensitivity
Thankfully she does not seem to have my melancholy, but she is very sensitive to the moods, atmosphere, needs and vibes of people and situations. She is the in-house psychologist who makes us take online personality tests so we can put each other in boxes, reminds her parents to go on dates, and worries her little head off about her kid brother who is totally unlike her, and seriously beyond her depth as a result.


She is also many things I am not and I am amazed.

Tactical
Persistent
Strong-willed
Winsome
Artistic
Athletic

She can clean better than me, take incredible photos, knit and soothe fussing children.

Ok, I still cook better.

When she was still a toddler, God told me he had entrusted an all-rounder to me, and I wondered how I would raise someone like that, my own strengths being quite limited. Quickly, I learnt that parenting is an enterprise best embarked on with God at the helm. At every turn, he assured, assisted and amazed me with His wisdom, gifts and goodness.

We had difficult times.
I made countless mistakes.
Patience wore thin on occasions.

God parented me while I parented her, for sure.

With this birthday reflection piece, I am humbled at how God grew me as a person through my parenting journey.

God also parented her, and in fact He is moving centre-stage as the perfect Parent she needs.

Yes, when reminiscing, it is true we will have a positive bias. It's not a bad thing if it inclines us to gratitude and puts hope in our hearts!

18. Having struggled and surmounted not a few mountains, it feels goo to be able to say that I have grown up with the kids. Now it's time to grow wide and older with them. (O wait, I still have a 12 year-old who is currently playing Minecraft. Tune in for his story!).


Your turn:

What glimpses of God are you getting through your parenting?Where do you see yourself in your children?How can you intentionally impart a legacy that will honour God and serve them well for the world they are to steward?

You can read more about my journey with her here:

The power of planning
It's a wild ride, enjoy it!
Media addictions
the war you must win!
How to bless your children

For all my posts of parenting, type 'parenting' in the search box on the right!

God wants to move you. From guilt to grace, 'should' to 'want', and anger to joy.

Freedom is not as straightfoward as it seems.

We are completely fooled to think that it equates being able to do whatever we fancy, with no one to gainsay us. That kind of freedom doesn't even exist, for we are our own worst critics. In fact, while the expectations of others can be a real burden and even nuisance, in the end, what bogs us down is our own inner voice that says

not enough
not good enough
surely you can do better

There is a place for improvement. But to improve out of a commitment to grow your ability is different from the need to improve toward some mark that keeps shifting. Some investigative CSI work is called for here as to why the mark keeps shifting. More on that later.

Every holiday, media will be rife with posts about the myriad of expectations and how not to be cobbled by them:

. how to handle pokey relatives, especially if you are still single
. order takeout of every dish imaginable, no need to stress over cooking
. responding to comments about your home/health/wealth (or lack thereof)

All of it coming at us and corroborated by our own compulsions, we find ourselves easily tripped by a sense of guilt and strained by a long list of 'shoulds' as women, wives, mothers, girlfriends, leaders. Inevitably this leads to an accumulation of anger. We get angry at ourselves for making inadequate progress. We become easily angry at those who seem to hinder our progress (be it keeping to schedule or reaching some objective). We may as well be angry with God (and we are too polite to admit it, or too afraid to).

God meanwhile, has both tried to redirect us as well as allow us to learn by becoming fed-up with being stuck in the mud.

Pause and think. 

Was there a re-direction from God when he allowed you to mess up...again? Could he be showing you that you need to do some things differently?

Are you really exhausted? You know you cannot continue like this.

How do we move from guilt to Grace and from 'should' to 'want'?


Now for the CSI:

C - consider your motive.
Our motives make a huge difference to what we do and the way we do it. Ask yourself Why you are doing something? Is it motivated by love, fear or obligation? Whether it is taking up a role, parenting, planning something, our speech, even our prayers, motivations stand behind them all.
God reveals to us that the only motivation that makes a difference is love. Do something (for someone) out of love.
Some of us are so beat up in life that even loving someone or something is hazy to us. It has become so difficult to really be responsible and take charge. I can think of only one answer. Start. Life will never happen if we refuse to live, and to love.
Don't do things out of guilt. If you are a mature adult, don't even do things because you should.

S- study your patterns
Do you tend to say 'yes' very quickly? Do you find yourself overloaded? Do you find yourself shying away? Do you yo-yo up and down, or do you tend to worry that something is waiting to go horribly wrong?
Our patterns have a lot to tell us. They are great indicators of what we fear as well as what we hope for. Identify your patterns and pray for the insight to disrupt them.

I- investigate your roots
If you find it hard to break out of a pattern, it is being fed by a deeper root. It is time to see a pastor or a counselor who may be able to help you identify and uproot the issue at its source.

So much of what adults struggle with have roots in childhood.

I do not advocate excessive self-analysis and digging around in your past. Our memories are hazy and our hearts can be extremely vulnerable. Yet, if there are nagging issues, it is very likely that although you are now an adult, in some areas, you have remained a child, and feel powerless to change.


Freedom is when we realised how much we are carried by Grace, that we can make strong, even sacrificial choices because we want to - obey God, lift others up, use our competencies - not because we have to.

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. ~ Galatians 5v13, The Message

Someone share recently that when she had to take in her father-in-law, her older brother reminded her, "don't do it out of duty, do it out of love".

 I think it takes us time to figure out what we are willing to do for others, even our loved ones.

We all secretly fear the worst of things would happen to those around us and we have to upheaval our lifestyles in order to care for them. Rather than wish it away, we may do better to question our hearts and ready them for deeper ways of love.


From Anger to Joy
The simplest and most powerful way to understand anger is that it arises when we feel that our way is blocked (just think drivers that get cut by another). Anger gives way to joy if our life circumstances become what we want. This is a tall order requiring major resistance and reformation!

...God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you ~ Romans 12v1-2, The Message

It is the slow work of building a new scaffold for our lives to hang upon that shapes up differently over time. 

By exposing our patterns, healing our roots and confessing our lack of love, we turn to God for Grace and begin to experience it as a present reality and a powerful force in our lives. In time, we begin to stand on Grace as it solidifies in our lives and find that we are no longer flimsy selves leaning this way and that, racked by guilt, pressure and anger.

This is Good News.

Transforming Grace

You know what I find disturbing about us Christians?

We have a holier-than-thou attitude.

interesting title no?

I would not have said this ten years ago. But a lot has happened in ten years, the most important being this: I have seen the darkness in my soul. Yes, I have come to the place where I understand that when Paul called himself the chief of sinners, it wasn't hyperbole. We all rank first place when it comes to harbouring demons in the dark alleys of our souls.

Yelling at kids?
Thinking of divorce?
Entertaining hurtful thoughts?
Fantasizing?
Blaming?
Ego trips?
Seized by discontent?
Poor stewardship?
Lack of love?
What if i try out...?

Been there, been that.

This reckoning has in turn done two things. One, I am much less shocked by confessions. Second, I have begun to strip away at the notion of 'the other'. I identify with others more than I differentiate from them.

Thomas Cole, Voyage of life

If you have ever met a personal darkness, sensed a shadow, wrestled with a demon, chances are you want to either reach for HyperGrace - it's no big deal, or we collapse into UnderGrace - we are wrecked with guilt and try our best to cover it all up.

I use these monikers to represent the two common ways we respond to glimpses of what lurks beneath our respectable, put-together selves. In HyperGrace, we may -

. brush it off as not really so serious compared with...
. create a spiritual scorecard by pumping up more rigour for spiritual activities (from dancing to Bible studies).

On the other end, some of us veer towards UnderGrace where we -

. smile and act nice, totally inconsistent with what's tugging at our hearts
. blame others or beat up ourselves for not measuring up
. endlessly analyse what went wrong

This happens to the individual, and even to groups and entire churches.

The problem is that both of these take us away from Transforming Grace, which the Bible says is given to the 'humble'.

You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe  with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because he cares for you. ~ 1 Peter 5v5-7

Peter wrote this. I dare say no one knows about Grace and humility the way Peter does.

He was the blustering disciple who boasted of his loyalty only to find it crumble when faced with the threat of persecution. He is the one Jesus re-creates a memory of his calling {read this John 21} so that he could be restored. He tasted Grace that morning when his professional fishing efforts yielded no gains. He tasted Grace in the fish on live coals and the poignant words of restoration Jesus spoke into the depths of his being.

He humbled himself in admission of his shadows and failures and was reunited with His Lord in love and mission. Still, he would have moments of weakness, but those are moments and not definitions.


Being humble is connected with casting our anxieties on God. 

We are anxious whenever we don't know the outcomes to things or when we anticipate a negative result. But Peter, he has learnt that. All his bravado cannot gainsay the truth that he has limits and he cannot really fix some things, even if he can swing a sword the way he can throw a net.

Transforming Grace - that flows downward to the bowed and receptive heart - happens when we humbly agree with God that we don't have the answer but we know God does.


I love Danielle Strickland's* definition of humility: agreeing with God about who you are.

Mind you, God does not think small of us. No, he thinks wonderful thoughts beyond our wildest dreams. Yet, he remembers and knows we are dust. We are finite. We do well to remember that of ourselves and others. That's when Grace happens. Peter tells us that God's intent is to exalt us. God knows we cannot reach the heights of who we truly are unless He raises us up.


The verses has another dimension:

You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because he cares for you.  

I admit that this is the bit most of us don't really like. After all, whether it's our families or work or churches, we all know elders and leaders who we struggle to respect and follow. But here, Peter reminds us that there is the basic posture of being submissive that counts if we want to experience Grace. To be fair, he speaks here of an environment where there is the effort to honour one another.

Being humble creates a flow of God's Grace into our lives and situations.

We will meet, experience and share Grace when we are willing to kneel with the broken, sobbing alongside, hurting with them, remembering this could just as well be us. This is when Grace creates community.

We will know, be touched and grow in Grace is when we are willing to face our need for it in an authentic and vulnerable fashion. This is when Grace creates courage.

We will stand upon and lead stronger out of Grace when we will call out our tendency to hide, gloss over and conceal. This is when Grace creates maturity. 


These three are good indicators of the present workings of Grace in our lives: community, courage and maturity.

To have reckless self disclosure without regard for others lacks maturity.
To have endless discussions without actions shows a lack of courage.
To be part of unending gatherings where our deepest concerns are never shared or heard means there isn't real community.



Perhaps try this: you may well notice that from the American elections, to ISIS, to the latest local news about things gone wrong, our standard way is to point out what's wrong, in clear denial that we could go so wrong ourselves (and it's a miracle we didn't). This stance has rarely helped us get anything right in the end.


It is a peculiar thing. The knowledge that we are saved by Grace and sustained and sanctified by Grace's operations in our lives should be grateful, joyful and humble. Yet so often, we the chosen, the elect, the faithful - saved by Grace - have a way of turning Pharisaical.

We start to distance ourselves from 'the others' and become a holy huddle of sorts.
We have our share of doing good and pitching in to improve things, but in our hearts there is a line that says 'we' and 'them'.
We go on a religious treadmill seeking out new and amazing ways for spiritual experiences.
We complicate matters. The Pharisees churned out 613 checklist items to keep the law....how many have we generated while regularly refusing to encourage the formation of lives through basic disciplines of prayer and Scripture and a commitment to community?

Nicodemus was a Pharisee. But he was different. He was at least humble enough to seek out Jesus and considered fresh possibilities. On the other hand, we have the thief that hung next to Jesus. His was not the robe of religiosity but the rags of crime. But he too experienced Grace when he humbled himself to admit that he deserved his sentence.

Go down with a name like Nicodemus or go down without a name like that lowly once-thief. Just be known by God and be touched by His transforming Grace.


Some of my best record of Grace's tracks:
Grace in the story of the woman in John 8. She got it, they didn't
Take that small step, Grace is coming
The wide mercies of God's cradling Grace
Failure isn't final. Grace is.
I married a non-believer, is God mad at me?
How do you see your life?


references:

1. If you want to know the 613 laws

*as heard on Global Leadership Summit 2016

Take that small step... for Grace is always coming

Little things add up.

Good stuff
or
bad stuff.

Things turn, topple or triumph because of small measures taken repeatedly over time.

The home is crafted
The marriage is enriched
The souls are stronger
The bodies are fitter

In our world of loud, fast and sensational; we forget this pace God has built.

With hi-speed photography and lapse-time, we now get to see within minutes, even seconds; and within the comforts of our home and ever shortening attention-spans. -

the space shuttle that took nearly ten years reach the distant planet
the seed radical emerge, anchor, shoots grow out out from the grown, then leaf, bud, blossom and fruit
the spider spinning her intricate web and then trapping and storing her meal

So if you are feeling discouraged that change is coming too slow, check what mode your camera is in; what lens you are using. Perhaps too much zoom on the details? Perhaps not enough light and the aperture is too small? Perhaps you are taking multiple exposures hoping to see significant change when it isn't time yet?

My good friend has a fiesty mom who after many years grudgingly read some tracts and went to church. She professed Christ but afterwards did not enjoy going to church. Naturally, we dug around the details: did she really mean her response to Christ? Why are her old habits so hard to break? How is it she doesn't seem to show much spiritual hunger or interest?

The weeks dragged on to months. You can feel anxious, worried and angry.

Mom is getting older. She even had to go for surgery. My friend, busy as she is, felt it was important to be around for mom more. When she traveled, I sometimes called in to check on mom for her. They did simple things like watch TV, cook, eat. We prayed for mom.

A few weeks ago, my friend suggested that they could read the Bible together when they had time. Mom agreed! Then mom decided to go back to church too.

This story reminded me of the power of small things.

We can turn away and get busy with other stuff, urgent, attention-seeking, self-satisfying. But what would happen to mom, and what would our hearts miss as a result? 

Grace laps gently and persistently at the shorelines of our lives and each time the waves sweep back, we are cleaner and sometimes we find wondrous deposits.

Over time, the shoreline gets redefined and our shape emerges.

But Grace must be allowed to arrive, to break upon the shore and disrupt it abit, to clean back, glass off ... Grace is not water in a cup but a coming of God upon our lives to invite us to that which we fail to see, and so fail to do.


Grace is Goodness' entrance in daily, seasonal, purposeful ways.

What small thing could you do today?

Falling out of love because we fix on the failings..and the One Failure that turns us into Success

No more love.

The cat's wound was inestimable. Laying on her side, the cat seemed bemused by the attention she as getting. Yet, who cannot help but stop and stare. She had a huge gaping hole in her stomach which revealed all her innards. There was movement; and I realized to my disgust and horror that maggots were already squirming. It was a marvel that the cat was still conscious. But she did not mew. A kindly man came with a small container of water and tried to flush out the maggots. The cat winced and then simply laid her head down…

My mind returned to this real-life incident because I was thinking about my wound.

It probably happens to most, if not all, marriages. The love simply runs out. I had tried hard not to go in that direction. But finally, I had to admit, the feelings had long run out. O, what a huge gaping hole I felt within me. It was unbearable. I hated myself for loving so poorly; and for being able to stop loving (for so it felt). No matter what I filled my day with, this reality swirled around within me like a haunting tune I could not stop humming; and this suggestion kept seguing in: 'get out, move on'. 

The big D word hung over me like a metal sheeted cloud. Light was finding it hard to break through.

But still, Light did. Small, faint shafts, a glimmer here, a spot there.

And of course, I was not the only one. The D word fell out of our hearts. When we heard it, a tremor shook our now wan souls. After all, we knew the Word. We knew the real-life stories. But most of all, we knew God makes a difference. But how?

We had to deal with the daily grind.
We had to struggle against a constant assault of negativity.We had to fight guilt, despair, anger, hopelessness.

But God did not zap these things away. Instead, he nursed the wound, slowly, gently, carefully. 

While I cried out regularly with my barrage: 'His fault!'; God's Word dew the barren landscape.

'Whoever wishes to gain his life loses it. But whoever loses his life for my sake gains it.'

'Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another.'

'For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you….'

Slowly, repeatedly, I had to come before God and confessed. I blew it - yet again. It did not seem like I would succeed. It was dismal. We were too different. My heart was numb. I had a wound so deep. Often, it seems my valiant efforts went unnoticed and unrewarded.

I did not love. And I was unwilling to.

God's Word began to make clear the cost of loving. 

Yes, we have all heard to said: to put the other first blah blah….it was mostly blah to me. Not hogwash, for I know it is true; not just because of other folks and how things turned out for them. I know it is true because that is precisely what my Saviour did: Jesus did put us first; He relinquished His heavenly rights for us, out of His love and obedience to God! Jesus shows us that a Greater Love can bring about all loves.

So loving my spouse and loving God are bound together. It is all Love or it is not. But I have met my Waterloo. I cannot win this one. I dread to think that I am failing to love the One who has loved me when I was just a bundle of cells floating and forming in the darkness of the womb. "For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen" - 1 John 4v20.

There was no dogding when the Light becomes so spot-on accurate.

'O God, I am wretched! I simply cannot . do . it!'

And then, suddenly, I could. 

Very little. Very unsteadily. Inconsistent. But it comes.

Yet it is not our willpower that will save the day, or the marriage. It is God's Will that does it. When we align our wills with His, something happens - God's power in invited into the situation.

Now I see it: God's grace preserved us. Many times we would have totally broken; but His grace broke through and we mend just enough to cease hurting each other. All this time, God was slowly and gingerly, lovingly and patiently working at my wound. No, he does not throw water hoping to flush out the infection (yes, that's it). He remembers that I am but dust. 

To restore my soul and close the wound required his expert hands and the timeliness of his healing touch. 

I have slowed. I am more rested. I am more hopeful.

Whereas I tried to do what a wounded soul could not - love heroically

Whereas I kept doing what a wounded soul does - question, fight, struggle, cry, get cynical, curl up in self-defense.

God brings us again and again to the One Failure that will turn us right side up and lead into true Success: we are unable; but, are we willing?

I cast myself daily into my God's strong arms. At times, I can almost feel Him hold me. Other times, He seems awfully quiet. Over time, one thing is sure, the wound is healing, there are more bright spots than dark ones. Hope starts to float about in the air and the spaces.

Some days I wake up with a smile on my face as I contemplate an even greater wonder and an enduring Success so sublime: Christ is being formed in me (imagine that!).

reflections of Light require that
 we face it

Your Turn: what has given you hope when a relationship has been less than what you desired?

 

Traveler's Views and Notes

~ an expensive trip for a frugal soul

the last two years we made long, costly trips. in 2012 i felt we needed to visit my brother in the USA. thankfully we did and enjoyed precious memories together: trying to ski, sitting by the fireplace, talking about the American elections, and most of all, the late night talks between us, about God. I still remember praying for snow for my son who has never seen that most magical sight: a snowfall. and just an hour before we needed to ride to the airport; there they came, floating down, gently at first! we grabbed our coats and dashed out the house to dance about in the falling of water in most beautiful forms! Hope seemed to bounce about us.

last june, i made a similar trip - but to bid him adieu from this side of heaven. a very different trip - back to the same lovely house of his on his sprawling yard; but this time it was sorting things out, crying, some laughing and as the family members poured in, food and more food; and more tears even as Grace wrapped around us and wove some fresh bonds.

earlier this year, the hubs and i while talking realised we never ever did have what is called a 'sabbatical'. still, we were grateful for the many pit-stops over the years to refuel and stay sane. then we thought, why not go to the one place we both love alot; and now that the kids are older, they will appreciate it more. New Zealand. Land of seas, sounds and sheep! 

but as i began to plan, i struggled. drawing out money to pay for trip to be with people we love makes sense to me. going on a trip just to enjoy ourselves felt so indulgent; especially when i am still learning Jesus' heart for the poor. i felt this strange conflict brewing in me. i wasn't sure where to place the line. my children have asked me before, "are we rich?". at first, my answer was "no". we were not rich by Singapore standards, when compared with many of our peers. But then, more recently, i have told them we are; because more than 80% of the world live with less than $10 a day.

so i kept checking back with the hubs our budget. can we really do this? 

we did it. we paid a tidy sum to-just-rest. it seems rather silly; but this is the state of our world. it tires

 us out so much. 

we skipped around animal poo on farms and talked with llamas, deer, sheep, chickens, ducks, seals, dogs, cats.. we drove or sat in an 11-hour train journey and went ooo and aah over the endless stretches of sea, rolling tussocks, sheep and cattle. we cooked and ate when we were hungry and basked in the long summer hours, exploring lakesides and glaciers. it was a lot of fun! we felt so enlivened to be so immersed in the beauty and power of creation. 

i had told the children why we are taking the trip: that we have both love the vast land; that there will be plenty for them to experience, that we will build great memories. i had reminded them of the expense and our values of not wasting and although i had thought to give some a little pocket change to spend; in the end, they both held back and didn't spend a cent on purchases! we came back just with ourselves, fattened by our wonderful experiences.

despite my inner struggle with the cost, amid the fears of spending alot and not getting a good return, the real and present danger of having to manage little tiffs and skirmishes of the heart..this was a trip held by Peace.

it was not so much about going away to get; but a making time and space to go deeper into something God had been seeking to deposit in our lives. Some times, we have to break our rhythms and even escape the scene to see and feel God's gifts deep enough they enter our beings.

At one point, i felt as if God himself stood between me and all my questions and anxieties and shielded me from the raucous soul-noises and just let me en-joy. a true vacation is one where you vacate the scene and just be.

and like the waters that are still reflect all the grandeur and beauty here, a quieted soul can take in the light and shape of all that is around and let them express without distorting them as rushing waters would.

~ wow, we did that?

i have a fear of heights while the hubs gets sick from motion. but i mounted a horse that must have been twelve hands tall and we took a small ski plane up to walk on snow upon ice! a lot of the time we felt too cold than we were used to; but mostly the weather permitted us to drive safely and enjoy the activities we did.

at mount cook, we were told the winds could get so strong that once the hotel windows all blew in and crashed. the hotel is solid reinforced steel and quite metallic and ugly-looking in order to survive the wild winds that come with such virgin territory. for the four little Singaporeans dizzy with delight? we had that "one fine, fantastic day" to fly out into the mountains the guide told us. 

young explorers at mount cook

without very precise planning {as i am not capable of it}  - we had moved in car, train, ship, horseback and on foot. we had lived in the city, in a monastery cradled in a valley, next to the sea, in the mountains and in a forest with deers around us!

Sometimes it's the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination ~ Drake.

Travel well friends!

an arc of Eternal Goodness ....{Jeremiah cont'd}

There is a arc of goodness that stretches and covers our days.

Every day then is about seeing and linking back to this arc so that the flood waters of daily life don't become a deluge and we get drowned in our moments and movements.


Today, I arrive at chapter 29 with the prophet Jeremiah. It is familiar; and so I must step back and read it all the more carefully if I want to truly listen.....

Twenty-eight chapters of anger, grief, judgment and appeals later, the clouds seem to part a little and we trace more clearly the arc.

So what You are saying is that -

my feeling removed, far away, cut off, abandoned and forgotten... that was good for me - because - I will cry out and I shall discover You again -

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to me, and i will listen to you. And you will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart. I will be found by you...and I will bring you back from your captivity.." ~ Jeremiah 29v11-14

These famous words we love to quote are preceded by a clear statement of God's plan and timetable:

"after seventy years are completed..I will visit you and perform my good word toward you and cause you to return to this place".

Nothing random about it.

For the people of Judah, the exile was a necessary disciplinary act of God towards their persistent rebellious ways. Can I say this? We forget too quickly when we quote Jer 29v11 that it is spoken in the context of this discipline. The way we tell our kids,

"I want you to stay here in the naughty corner until you are ready to play properly."

Yes, we forget God sometimes will, must, and does, discipline us.

What is harder as I read is this: God expects us to accept the discipline; to trust Him through it. Jeremiah was constantly pitted against a bunch of other prophets who were telling the people good stuff they wanted to hear. God repeatedly says, "I did not send these prophets. They are prophesying lies." Ouch!

Perhaps we need to accept that a brother or sister has to bring us some tough news at times.

And then we come to verse 11-14. The discipline - an exile - being cut off from all that is familiar, feeling lost, being second-class citizens... going through what one simple cannot reconcile could happen to a child of God ---  stand firmly under the arc of God's goodness.

Jeremiah is churning my spirit up!

Being God's child is not a badge. Some Christians alas seem to flaunt it! I have seen smug Christians who talk like they've got everything figured out; and it borders on offence. {wait, I think I was the smug Christian before}.

No folks, God's Mercy and Grace are specific instances of His Goodness at work in our lives to draw us to a holy union with Him. But we are often unfaithful as Judah was. We have so many other gods we depend on and cling to.

So God uses an experience of immense dislocation - an exile - to break us free from our bondage.

The old spiritual fathers and mothers have this word 'detachment' to describe the process over our lives where we recognise our smaller gods and are set free from our dependence on them. May very few of us need a disciplinary encounter of being so shaken because only that will free us... Rather, may our maturity be more like a shedding of leaves {see my book Shed Those Leaves}; where a fake, insecure outfit that never anchors us is sloughed off to reveal a strong, solid soul being formed by God's hand.

Either way, we live under the arc - of Eternal Goodness.