God wants to move you. From guilt to grace, 'should' to 'want', and anger to joy.

Freedom is not as straightfoward as it seems.

We are completely fooled to think that it equates being able to do whatever we fancy, with no one to gainsay us. That kind of freedom doesn't even exist, for we are our own worst critics. In fact, while the expectations of others can be a real burden and even nuisance, in the end, what bogs us down is our own inner voice that says

not enough
not good enough
surely you can do better

There is a place for improvement. But to improve out of a commitment to grow your ability is different from the need to improve toward some mark that keeps shifting. Some investigative CSI work is called for here as to why the mark keeps shifting. More on that later.

Every holiday, media will be rife with posts about the myriad of expectations and how not to be cobbled by them:

. how to handle pokey relatives, especially if you are still single
. order takeout of every dish imaginable, no need to stress over cooking
. responding to comments about your home/health/wealth (or lack thereof)

All of it coming at us and corroborated by our own compulsions, we find ourselves easily tripped by a sense of guilt and strained by a long list of 'shoulds' as women, wives, mothers, girlfriends, leaders. Inevitably this leads to an accumulation of anger. We get angry at ourselves for making inadequate progress. We become easily angry at those who seem to hinder our progress (be it keeping to schedule or reaching some objective). We may as well be angry with God (and we are too polite to admit it, or too afraid to).

God meanwhile, has both tried to redirect us as well as allow us to learn by becoming fed-up with being stuck in the mud.

Pause and think. 

Was there a re-direction from God when he allowed you to mess up...again? Could he be showing you that you need to do some things differently?

Are you really exhausted? You know you cannot continue like this.

How do we move from guilt to Grace and from 'should' to 'want'?


Now for the CSI:

C - consider your motive.
Our motives make a huge difference to what we do and the way we do it. Ask yourself Why you are doing something? Is it motivated by love, fear or obligation? Whether it is taking up a role, parenting, planning something, our speech, even our prayers, motivations stand behind them all.
God reveals to us that the only motivation that makes a difference is love. Do something (for someone) out of love.
Some of us are so beat up in life that even loving someone or something is hazy to us. It has become so difficult to really be responsible and take charge. I can think of only one answer. Start. Life will never happen if we refuse to live, and to love.
Don't do things out of guilt. If you are a mature adult, don't even do things because you should.

S- study your patterns
Do you tend to say 'yes' very quickly? Do you find yourself overloaded? Do you find yourself shying away? Do you yo-yo up and down, or do you tend to worry that something is waiting to go horribly wrong?
Our patterns have a lot to tell us. They are great indicators of what we fear as well as what we hope for. Identify your patterns and pray for the insight to disrupt them.

I- investigate your roots
If you find it hard to break out of a pattern, it is being fed by a deeper root. It is time to see a pastor or a counselor who may be able to help you identify and uproot the issue at its source.

So much of what adults struggle with have roots in childhood.

I do not advocate excessive self-analysis and digging around in your past. Our memories are hazy and our hearts can be extremely vulnerable. Yet, if there are nagging issues, it is very likely that although you are now an adult, in some areas, you have remained a child, and feel powerless to change.


Freedom is when we realised how much we are carried by Grace, that we can make strong, even sacrificial choices because we want to - obey God, lift others up, use our competencies - not because we have to.

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. ~ Galatians 5v13, The Message

Someone share recently that when she had to take in her father-in-law, her older brother reminded her, "don't do it out of duty, do it out of love".

 I think it takes us time to figure out what we are willing to do for others, even our loved ones.

We all secretly fear the worst of things would happen to those around us and we have to upheaval our lifestyles in order to care for them. Rather than wish it away, we may do better to question our hearts and ready them for deeper ways of love.


From Anger to Joy
The simplest and most powerful way to understand anger is that it arises when we feel that our way is blocked (just think drivers that get cut by another). Anger gives way to joy if our life circumstances become what we want. This is a tall order requiring major resistance and reformation!

...God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you ~ Romans 12v1-2, The Message

It is the slow work of building a new scaffold for our lives to hang upon that shapes up differently over time. 

By exposing our patterns, healing our roots and confessing our lack of love, we turn to God for Grace and begin to experience it as a present reality and a powerful force in our lives. In time, we begin to stand on Grace as it solidifies in our lives and find that we are no longer flimsy selves leaning this way and that, racked by guilt, pressure and anger.

This is Good News.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): enjoying it.

I love how Joy supplants everything.

credit: goongkrazy.wordpress.com

Cannot quite remember the labour pains? The nasty and awkward breastfeeding / bathing moments? The long nights? The hundredth time you read that story?

With a mighty teen and a little warrior at 15 and 10, I am well into a new season of mothering for sure. And the Joy has supplanted the pains. Each one. Even now. The teen angst, the motivational mountains, the clean-room war-zone... not that they are over; but they are now rhythm and you learn to Rock and roll with it! How?

Here are 3 survive-into-Joy ways I found:


#1 It's going to happen - again

You ever feel like some days are so deja vu? You have already talked about it, laid down some rules..perhaps you shed a tear or more, prayed... and you thought 'ah, now let's move on'.. and it happens again! The same snarky remark, the attitude, the mess, the disrespect, the sloth and on... None of us grow or change by sheer reasoning. It takes far more. It certainly takes time, loads of it. So, you haven't failed to communicate, care or more. It's just the nature of the things.

Growth takes time, it takes protection, it takes practice.

So don't let every battle be a Waterloo or a watershed. In fact, parenting is not about winning battles but building lives. So keep that goal before you. Don't spend your precious energies trimming leaves for presentation when what you really need to fight are these enemies of the soul -

distrust,
doubt,
unresolved anger,
deep sadness,
repeated sin.

All behaviours come from a deeper place; so seek to know what is going on there and work your way towards it. The health will emerge - from the roots out.

And the Joy? From knowing there is a Gardener who knows our knotty roots well enough to heal and strengthen them. 

#2 Let your spouse take the heat too

Most moms, especially stay-at-home ones tend to shoulder so much of the family we forget we have a comrade. Like us, fathers did not really come armed and ready. But it's a catch-22 when we don't give them a chance to learn, practice and sharpen their abilities.

I have had my fair share (and still do) of being questioned, blamed, even berated! And I do deserve it because I have lost it, lashed out, licked my wounds; all three not really constructive ya. So I have learnt to notice my emotional gauge and signal for help:

whatsapp: not good today, expect some damage. pls pray.
SMS: so dog-tired! the kids are so stupid! when will they learn? Am still ok though.
verbals: need to pray, please take over ~ don't need to worry; he/she/they have to learn to sort it out. I am hiding for a while to recover.

To my surprise; spouse steps up! To be honest, he rarely does exactly what I hope: sprinkle magic dust on the kids and turn them into angels. But he drags me out of the house for coffee. He asks if I am alright/alive/spiritually ok. He scolds the kids! He takes over for a bit. He prays for me.

The Joy? When you know that even though you are sometimes awkward, disagreeing, impatient; there's We not just me.


#3 Be grateful for the good, not greedy for the perfect

With little kids, we have so much control that we can get suckered into thinking we forever hold all the strings of control. They gladly go most places, try most things and want totally to please you! Sure there are tantrums and meltdowns; but mother-influence is pretty mighty. Just recently, my son quipped, "it takes a genius to be a mom" and I heartily approved!

Then, they grow older, and all you have got are the purse-strings and the heartstrings. This is the time when your soul is being trained to be discerning; because you can plan to the hilt but it is just not going to go the way you want. There are preferences, moods, peer pressure, schoolwork etc. to contend with. So you have to be able to taste and delight in the morsels of closeness, empathy, respect, diligence, honesty, discipline, godliness ...

It is also the time to be self-controlled to be grateful and not grate on about what else is lacking. No soul ever thrived under condemnation. All life is coaxed into fullness that begins with acceptance.

Then Joy begins to bubble to the surface and breaks the tension. You will feel much more relaxed about your parenting - and enjoy it.

Christmas is near, and this is the angelic beckoning -

"I bring you good new of great Joy!"

All our daily, lesser and so essential joys beat a trail to this Great Joy.

ENJOY = EN(ter) into JOY my friends!

start / keep that gratitude journal - here's why.

It's nearly a standard medicine that I dole out.

Women and men, children of all ages, if you come to me with a woe or worry, after listening... I will definitely tell you among other things, to keep a gratitude journal. Yes, each day, before the dark blankets, write down on your phone, notebook or Typo journal 3 items you are grateful. It doesn't have to be huge, grand, interesting, or life-changing. Just 3 things you notice, stuff that made you -

smile {that silly pigeon cleaning itself for Ms World?}
blush {that affirmation, wow, thank-you}
gush {funny, interesting, thought-provoking, maybe ice-cream}

Like this:

(got you!)

This is how to do 'rejoice always'. It's to notice that there is an undercurrent of defiant joy in life. A force that refuses to beat down and defeated by naysayers, blues and even evil.

Look at these children in Calcutta -

I know we have disappointments, frustrations, hurts, and pains - some ongoing and not seeming to get better. But if you are a middle-class Singaporean, I am guessing you can find some relief - a good book, spa, high-tea, even travel.

Yet.

These things may not lead us to that river that sends out those currents of joy! You see, the joy is there. It needs to be noticed, recorded, practiced. Slowly as the joy seeps into our crevices and cracks, it flows to all the places and spaces ..... washes, feeds fills and ... it flows forth from us.
Joy can become us. We can be joy containers and bringers!

And if more of us were open, receptive, and laughing? If more of us were generous, forgiving, chill? If more of us were teachable, tender, humble.....

.... What will the world shape up around us to be?


There is now enough scientific evidence* to tell us that God's call to us to rejoice is not only practical, it is needful. Gratitude strengthens our immunity, raises our resilience, infuses hope, and even re-wires our neural circuitry! Giving thanks taps into Joy and this amazing force of heaven can crack the hardest nut!

Friends, there will be darkness out there. But there is light given to those who desire it. And that light enters your being and shines from there. The darkness loves to encroach and have us believe that it is far too strong and massive, a deep, penetrating, sense-surround reality. Like its Master of deception and denial; the dark loves to flaunt its influence way beyond it's actual ability and powers. It fools us into cowardice, fear, and despondency.

If you have turned your life over toe God and accepted His forgiveness and gift of eternal life; the enemy knows he can only fool you. So he sets out an elaborate scheme, scheduled and timed to volley one in your direction, to  target your weakest areas, to deafen you to The Voice by doing voices which sound so much like your own, those you love and even God's!

I'm so stupid to make this choice
Now you are stuck, there's no way out!
You had better not sin, or things will only get worse

The Light? It just shines and dispels the dark. But not under a bushel, or under a bed. Not in some hidden spot. Take that light out! Put it someplace prominent. Let is draw your attention to its lovely glow. Bask in its warmth.

Easy first steps to do this? Light Spotting. Joy jotting. 

God is light.
He is Joy.
In him is Life.
From him comes healing, and hope.

Start from the strand that easy to grasp: spot and record 3 things each day that made you smile, blush or gush.

Try it. Start today. Get a friend to do it together. Share it on Facebook.

"Keep your eyes open. keep each other's spirit up so that no ones falls behind or drops out" {Ephesians 6, The Message}

P.S.
And  O friends, I am so grateful about this I just wanted to shout it out! A new friend, someone I whose thoughts and words I respect and read has written a long, kind, meaningful review of my book, Shed Those Leaves.

This one is in the gratitude journal along with my cat's antics, the son's jokes, the less gruff reply from the mighty teen, and being able to walk in the park.

*some sources:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/expandinggratitude
http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/in-praise-of-gratitude-201211215561
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ocean-robbins/having-gratitude-_b_1073105.html

A Happy song in a minor key called Joy

I love being happy.

I am not always happy. In fact, many days, my children and spouse consider me rather crabby {somehow that happens alot at home}. But they are wrong; even if I was crabby; I was really en route to being happy. Sounds insane, or perhaps, you agree!

We believe our actions and choices and words are aimed at making us, others and the world better, happier. Sacrifices must be made on the way to bliss right?

Just one major flaw in this premise. Happiness has this habit of being elusive. We should all know.

We all have our boxes of 'nearly perfect dates', 'supposedly relaxing vacations' & 'amazing imagined and engineered outcomes' where we have tossed the moments and memories which we wouldn't post on Instagram or facebook about.

I should know - I speak about the subject of happiness.

But can I share honestly here? I'd rather speak on the subject of JOY. Now that's a different moniker.

Joy we've been told is a deeper thing that runs much further beneath the surface. At times it bubbles forth with delightful gurgles; but mostly it is subterranean. Maybe a picture can save me the thousand words I cannot find right now:

Here is a sudden burst of joy erupting forth when the wonder of fireflies buzz around one's little head!

Joy often catches us off guard. 

We are rushing around and suddenly our eye catches sight of the beauty of a flower
We are engrossed in our work when we hear a giggle in the next room
We are walking our usual route when we bump into a dear friend
We are lost in our thoughts when a gentle breeze comes and a playful bird offers us a enlivening distraction

Yet- in each of these instances, we need to choose Joy or we can miss it. We can fail to splash around the refreshing spring of joy that can nourishes us. Rightly, Henri Nouwen reminds us

But choosing Joy can be hard as life comes with many sombre minor notes when what we hoped for, worked for, prayed for, does not happen {soon enough}. Choosing Joy can be hard when our lives are so busy we don't have space . to . notice ...

I find that I forget to choose joy many days and rummage around for some scrap of happiness instead. It is most unsatisfactory!

I forget there is Joy. I am too impatient to wait for it. Every day as I read the news, I am faced with the reality that with all of our advances as a race, humanity continues to confront massive challenges: from Ebola to ISIS. These large issues and our own daily difficulties can easily cause us to mope and lose touch with the gift of Joy.

What we settle for then is happiness of this stripe:

Which is really good and necessary {thanks to all my baking friends for the yummies!}.

But -- we now live in a world where more of us are chronically unhappy. Why is this so? Could it be that seeking to be happy doesn't work; that we were made for Joy and a lesser substitute is like taking an artificial sweetener?

Studies show that happiness and unhappiness are actually two different clines. In other words, doing stuff you think will make you happy will not make you as happy as if you also at the same time deal with what makes you unhappy. Your unhappiness which may be caused by a totally different set of things can leak your happiness.

This is where Joy comes in.

While we muddle about to find out why we are happy or not; there is this gift called Joy.

Joy is built on something larger and bigger; indeed Someone larger and bigger.

For joy is about wonder, awe, grandeur, surprise, reversals, redemption.

Ask the mother who has reconciled with her son

Talk to the man embroiled in  lawsuit who has just received news that the suit has been dismissed

Look at the child who has just been given an ice-cream instead of the cane when he just failed his paper

Listen to someone who just returned from the Grand Canyon or the Northern Lights

These are the big boxes of Joy.

But daily, there are smaller parcels waiting for us to notice and unwrap too.

One of the most surprising places to find Joy is in Scripture! Listening to God speak to us is life-giving and adds to the quotient of joy in the depths of our soul; even if we do not immediately feel it.
Like a filled up petrol tank, we don't immediately go faster; but we soon know we can go on longer.

My son has just walked in. He is moping because his Math homework is making him think so hard. I read this verse in John 15 with him and I ask him,

Who is saying this?
-God
Now, think, when you read your Bible or listened to God, did you hear something that put joy in you?
- Ya, when God tells me He loves me, I feel so full of joy inside. 

{his mood lifts! thank Goodness}

Perhaps you and I need to read and listen more consistently.

Indeed, this past week I found myself drawn to those familiar words Jesus spoke about becoming like children. At once I know why my joy quotient is dipping. I am acting all grown-up again trying to figure out life instead of leaning into Everlasting Arms... Yes it's a paradox friends: we need to grow, we need to solve, we need to wrestle and at the same time, we need to let go, rest, trust.

Just imagine if it were only life on one end of the paradox: all strife and self-dependence! Good grief, then happiness and joy will be all hard-won battle scars. Ouch. Thankfully, it doesn't have to be so.

It's a crazy world, and you and I need Joy to find our song in it. For we do so much want to be happy. So how about these pictures for a start:

animal twins

I want to dream on...

I have always been a dreamer.
When I was in Primary four, and the teacher had called my name several times and failed to get my attention, she said to the whole class, "Yim Tee is a dreamer". Then she promptly shifted me to the back of the class to be left to my dreaming!

I grew up harboring many dreams in my heart. Some of it was plain necessary as we were poor and i was one of a large brood. I dreamt of running away from home to a different life where there will be toys, a pony and good food... to a place like Sesame Street where people smiled kindly and large puppets, funny and grouchy were your neighbours.

I dreamt of becoming somebody important, like a doctor who saves lives. A singer who is clothed in glamour. At times, i trimmed my dreams to fit my circumstances. Perhaps i could be satisfied with selling roast meat rice, being an air-stewardess, or just getting married ...to someone richer.

But when I was eight, I said a prayer to ask Jesus to be my best friend. Since then, another heart seemed to beat within my bosom. By the time, I had listened to my Sunday school teacher teach us about God's great big world and the perishing millions; a new dream begin to unfold within me. I was going to serve God.

Perhaps due to my humble circumstances, I never really harboured grandiose ideas though I had asked for millions to rid the world of some of its poverty. {did not get it}.

Now nearly forty years on - God's dream for me remains still a few steps beyond me. It's a reaching-for-it that seems to matter to God. There were times when doubts crashed over me and threatened to keep me submerged in the mighty waters of fear, regret and anxiety.

I have had many long months of crying over losses, wondering over what-ifs, angry, frustrated, and just plain frightened. Yet, God holds me still. I have seen my smaller dreams come true as He continues to deftly cut off, fold and shape my heart and my circumstances. I have been sustained and even felt celebrated as God's gifts and goodness continues to enter my life.

I have become a pastor out of obedience and found such deep joy it was like coming home. I am a stay-home-mom out of my convictions and have discovered possibly my favourite job in the world. I have faced my many pains as a woman and suprised myself that God's healing grace in me reaches out to other women. I have followed my husband and moved churches and gained such precious friends along the way. I have written books and now have a longing to fill my bog with biblical insights to teach and reach.

I am still reaching-for. My dream is nothing less than to know God, live His Kingdom out loud and build a movement that will shake up the world! It's way too crazy-big and beyond me and I have come to realize that it isn't up to me to see it comes to pass even though each day i need to work hard at what comes and prayerfully try to anticipate what's around the bend.

Most days, I find huge gaping holes in my motive, action and mood! But Grace has constantly held me together and I have learnt there is a bubbling little brook of Joy that refreshes me though the days can get dreary, discouraging and even downright dark.

In a way, God-sized dreams are precisely that: God-sized!  I'm a really tiny person but the Spirit of God lives in me so I guess there's a way it shall all come together.

A strong cord of Joy to string your days

You know those famous words of old man Nehemiah -
"the joy of the LORD is your strength"

Most of the times I have heard it referred to, i get a vague sense that joy is related to strength and i feel strong for precisely two minutes because I have a way of leaking joy and losing strength.

So i decide to check. Are we mis-using Scripture? Are we missing some gem? If there's a way to be strong in my days, i sure want it.

i thought-prayed. i read. i asked.

A 3-part scrutiny:  Joy / Joy of the LORD / Strength



Joy is a God attribute. It does not originate from earth. The word is distinct from 'pleasure' which is the proper word for when we see, feel, taste or experience something temporal that brings a smile and a sense of satisfaction. Pleasure however is a glimpse of joy. Psalm 16 famously tells us that joy in its fullness is found in one place, or rather one Person: God Himself.

God is Joy, not kill-joy! {what an awful distortion and lie}

Christians, who are God's children, will over time mature in joy. It is the Father's character and being flowering in his children's lives.

God is Joy. God is also joyful - over certain things. Jesus mentioned the wild vive joie  of the father who hikes up his coat and runs to welcome his prodigal's return. The entire mood of the coming of the Saviour is one of great joy - God is excited about His Son coming to earth to save us. God is joyous about what he is up to and He invites us to share His joy!

We find joy and grow joyful as we relate to our Father God. Day by day, he infuses more of Himself into our being.

We find joy as we take upon our hearts what is upon His. If we take up His cause and join in His plan. Old man Nehemiah's words in fact come from this take. The people were listening to the Law and beginning to look at their failures and feel sorry and sad. But to God, his people's hard labour of rebuilding the wall, their coming together to hear the Law, the turning of their hearts God-ward is all joy! So they are to take their eyes off themselves and share in God's joy over them!

Each time you en-joy life's gifts, remember it is a doorway to the God who is joy and who invites you to join in His joy over life.

EN(ter) into JOY.

This is how Joy becomes a strong cord and holds you together, keeps you strong through the storms in the coming days.

How did God see your 2013?

What is the first emotion that comes as you think of 2013?

If you could draw a picture to represent the year, what would you draw?

Some of us hitch onto some happy moment, grin and tumble into the new year. Some of us wince at certain memories and maybe even fight to fend off the sense that we blew it again. Doubtless for most of us in mostly sunny Singapore, our days were a busy mix of getting around, chasing deals and forging goals. It can be hard to tease our jam-packed days apart to see what they were truly about.

- The unexamined life is not worth living - Socrates

But how do we examine our lives? What do we use to map our days against? What grid, or guide do we have? Our ever-present tendency is to compare ourselves with... some ideal, and often feel like we have been given the short end of the stick again.

Recently, i thought that even being on Facebook can do enormous harm: we may be sick, jobless, lost...and it seems the whole world is having a great time without us - all the pictures of balmy scenes, happy faces, wise words, great times... people are going places and doing stuff. Life is happening without us.

Facebook tries to help with a review of your year by stitching together all your posts and updates that received the highest 'likes'. Ah, all is not lost, i was heard; someone laughed at my joke, someone noticed my melancholy, someone liked my pictures.

As I was preparing to lead my church tomorrow for a time of reflection; I think of Jesus' words that sets up that contrast between life and death. He offers us life abundant - and warns us of the living reality that we have an enemy who wants to steal, kill and destroy.

Perhaps if we recognise that this dynamic presents itself to us each day - that within each day, we are posed a question: would you have life or not? I think of how our feelings, thoughts and circumstances may well be God's invitation and offer to live more fully and free.

I imagine looking at my life from the outside - and seeing it through God's eyes. What then of my 2013? How does God feel about my year nearly gone? What picture would he draw?

Selah.

Psalm 139 & more {enjoy}

Why not have some face-time with God and just remember - He is the God who made you, loves you and constantly, and faithfully invites you to go deeper. To live.

a morning and evening Psalm

I reverse the sequence. Psalm 5 is a morning Psalm; 4 is an evening prayer.

Psalm 5~ 
v11 -  JOY for all who take refuse in You,
endless songs of gladness!

that's verse 11 though -and we get to verse 11 in our days. But often, with the many things we carry upon our shoulders and in our hearts, we wake up dreary with verse 1's 'listen to my cry for help!'. And it's a good way to begin the day: set our sights on the One and 'lay our case before him' (v3) to call to mind who God is - One who does not delight in perversion and injustice but will act decisively against such perpetrators. So the morning prayer quietens down to this

'lead me, make your way plain' (v8),

 and a sobering reminder that YHWH is the one who will protect for his favour works like a shield. (v12).


Psalm 4~
is an end-of-day time with God. And o how we know that even as we worked and wished and wrestled through our day, we often come face to with one more 'w' -weariness. So the question before us:

'how long will you be heavy of heart,

why love what is vain and chase after illusions?'

and i ask to be shown what vanities have captured my attention, what crazy notions have become so important to me? Prone to wonder and wander, to want to define our path... figure out our itinerary... we do it so well with travel plans and career and even relationships perhaps --  but somehow, life at large escapes us. Our success in the pieces don't set in place a clear picture of peace. Vanities and illusions abound.

indeed,

'many keep saying, who will put happiness before our eyes?' (v6)

for we sure cannot quite see it!

And we can carry all the questions, regrets, longings deep into our being and act out of them- lashing in anger, accusing others of letting us down, rehearsing our hurts.. So,
'be careful not to sin'
The Bible honestly acknowledges this reality that we are often conflicted and unsure...but teaches us

'on your beds keep silence'

which relates to a word given more than thousand years later:

'do not let the sun go down on your anger, do not give the devil a foothold' (Eph 4v26)

and i wonder: could it be that when we sleep we are vulnerable; and our enemy gladly enter through any breaches in trust. Our unresolved, un-rested  hearts and worried minds are gaps and welcome openings to him; so over time, it just gets easier for him to keep coming back and tormenting us over those same things. Do we feel a rut, an inability to grow, a repeated trend? Perhaps there is a need to quiet, slow, repent and let the One come and seal those gaps. Again, and again.

The greatest marvel of it all is limited man can know and enjoy unlimited transcendent GOD

' to my heart You are a richer joy than all..' (v7).

LORD lead us to This Delight. In your Mercy, hear my prayer.

半边天 – half the sky. This is a Chinese saying that up-ends the patriarchal reality: yes, men rule; but women cover half the sky!

Indeed we do! But -- what kind of cover do we provide?

There are skies we love to look up at, those clear blue hues with white clouds dancing. But is this the inviting cover I provide that draws people out to wonder, brings on the smiles, stirs dreams..

Tracing God’s handiwork; I see him shaping me to be a cover that brings safety, encourages truth, and promotes breakthroughs. And it took years to see myself truly: both present darkness and powerful Light, and the ongoing Grace to choose the light.

There were moments as a growing gal when I was struck by some things my mom did, at other times; I just sensed her sacrifices and stress, and I would hold my questions or try to be quieter. But my first real foray outside my own little self must be learning to love my father. 

It’s always the hard stuff that breaks us open and lets out the light.

Father did not meet my expectations, but I had a holy duty to draw him to God, so I gritted my teeth and asked him countless times to my notions of a better life.

Nothing really worked. I hit a thick impenetrable wall and collapsed in hot frustrated tears. That’s when God shaped the way I would provide cover…He asked if I would be my father’s ‘friend’.  Resistance was futile with God; so I agreed.

It’s amazing what shifts when we say Yes to God.

We started to talk. Like friends. I saw my father not as a failed model of parenthood but as a person; a deeply wounded person. What I saw changed my heart, my mind, my words… and I had to lay down my grandiose plans of ‘convertng’ the man, to simply learning about him and loving him.

More was to come.

 I had been in leadership roles most of my life. Then I started to lead a mixed group of peers at different places spiritually and in life. Now I see how that drew me to extend a cover over them of care, patience and prayer. I used to be at my wits' end so much I would cry-pray in my shower before I met them!

And God always showed up.

Good preparation for the pastor-to-be!

For thirteen years now, I have the most freedom and power to provide cover: as a mom. I had to make active choices about what to clothe, feed, speak into the hearts of my little ones. I have the ability to weave hope into the fabric of their souls. I have the grand opportunity to raise a new kind of being. They needed a blanket of security to discover life, themselves and others. They needed a firm reining in that will set boundaries for truth and life to thrive. They needed to be shielded, defended, protected. They needed me to cover them over with faith, hope, and love.

Women reach over, reach out, and -- cover. 

So each day and each season is filled with the same essential Q: what sort of cover will I be? Will I gladly be one and find the joys being a cover brings?

Next: foils of lightning and thunder peals…

The Teen Dance

There is this new dance i am learning. 

Darn, it's hard! Quick steps, slow steps...and so easy to step on those turning toes!

What? Step back ..now?!
O, ok...catch up and do the twist here..
Keep in step, side by side...

Fools we are all. We never believe what we are told.
Dreamers we are all. We never full awaken to the force of truth...

What did i expect? it's hard to parent a teen, tween... She's like:
40% darling girl
10% secret, spying agent gathering more and more tricks (what? from youtube?!)
20% angst, mood swings
20% rough, angular
10% total mystery [if the other bits are not mystifying & frustrating enough already...]

This is 60% majority challenge - and yes, it is major exam year! Augh!

I have read, I have loved, I have led...but in my own turf, under my nose each day, the wind blows hither and thither! O to really love and to let her really live... daily i trip all over myself trying this new dance of space-distance-privacy-connection-communication.

We have so much to say to each other and then nothing comes to mind.

We want to laugh but it happens so much less because she is growing slowly into her own skin and we don't always find the same things funny anymore.

We want to stay close - forever - but growing is forcing a needed distance.

I miss the dances we did when she was little enough for me to turn, twirl and lift off the ground.... God, help me see the crazy steps of this new dance as a joy-dare dance and swing along!