Loss and Lament - a reflection on doing something new

Death is harsh, and one can never fully be ready for it.

Grief is awkward - the kind of awkward that is the cumulative effect of feeling weak, sorry, guilty, vulnerable, being a sore burden and more. Loss is universal, who has not felt it, even if we at first did not recognize it as such?

Yet nothing disarms and connects us to God and each other as sharing in suffering. It is as if our souls have a wire that lights and burns a life-giving glow when the touchpoints of our pain connect. We feel validated, normal, understood. I also know that many of us don’t grieve well and so never reach this gift of solidarity or find out that grief can be the soil of healing and fresh possibilities. So, I decided to try a new thing that isn’t common in churches here: hold a Loss and Lament service.

As a pastor, I am familiar with sitting with the bereaved, organizing memorials and leading funeral services. I had to do a few of my own on four occasions due to the sudden deaths of my loved ones. But this is going to be different. It will be an entire service dedicated to coming to God with our pains, burdens and silent screams. As I shared with a few and began scripting, I realised that Loss and Lament are parallel rivers that share tributaries and I needed to let each have its own flow.

So it became two services. Aug 22 2020 The day began like any other except for the nervous excitement within me. I had put it out on email and social media and still did not have the final list that registered for the online zoom service. With a few hours to go, I browsed the newspapers and saw this advert for a smart watch which my mother-in-law had asked for. It was not a good decision as it led me on a wild online purchase ride that rattled me quite a bit, not the least of which is to find that the shop is in France and basically operates in French. Anyway, after some desperate attempts to clarify and block a double billing, I had to let it go and prepare myself for the service! Then I received word that tech support guy had taken ill. (Let’s just say writing on Medium was already a tech feat for me.) But the service must go on, and it did, even if I had to wave at my zoom host from across the room at several points and my camera froze at another point. Thirty-four persons turned up.

I began the service with a memory that floated to my consciousness, about a time I fell from my bike and just sat on the grass, crying tears too large and many for an adult in an accident like this.

The tears were not because of embarrassment of the the fall and the pain it inflicted, they came from a deeper place. They were overdue tears, waiting for me to be ready to pay attention, to be weak enough to stop holding it all in, to be real. The tears was the stream that connected all I was carrying from the losses I had not properly grieved. As the waters gushed, things got surfaced.

I encouraged us to let the tears come, to mourn, to speak our losses.

In my breakout, I was surprised to see my old friend, and a man who in moments, broke into tears.

We considered how God himself is familiar with loss. God's initial dream of Eden was dashed with a wrong exercise of free will. God's spectacular deliverance of a million slaves dissipated with the grumbling and politicking of these have-nots. God's pursuit was spurned again and again. O yes, God is familiar with Loss.

And so we can come and sit with him in silent communion - who has words equal to any of this?

We come to the Father God of all comfort.

We come to a Saviour who promised that as we mourned, we are blessed for we shall be comforted.

We come to the activity of the Holy Spirit who guides us into all truth.

Slowly, we waded into our rivers of loss.

Some got uncomfortable. Most dipped their toes. Many sat under the flow and were surprised it wasn't washing them away, but washing them clearer. As the service progressed, words like these were shared on the chat:

released

peaceful

thoughtful

lighter

calm

reassured

encouraged

unload

free

conscious

loved

Also,

dejected

mourning

pensive

A grief counselor, shared in the chat that she had just lost a newborn grand nephew. None of us got back what we lost. But you can lose through your loss, far more than you need to. You can lose your zeal for life, imagination, loving feelings, faith in yourself, curiosity and hope. While we can’t undo losses, we can grieve in a way that it does not bleed into all of our life and leave a dastardly stain. Aug 29 2020

To lament feels too close to grumbling and complaining, so it feels wrong for the faithful to indulge it. But in truth, we all do it. We cannot help it. There is so much wrong with the world. We lament and wish for a simpler time gone by or hope for a different outcome despite the trajectory.

The Bible realistically records this human need to lament. It's right in the middle with the Psalms, the prophets do it and journal it, and historical events tell of women especially, who lament and wait because of the evil that led to the death of their children and the destruction of their homes.

I urged us not to live half of our lives, just focused on polishing and projecting just the shiny side of us. I urged us to brave the dark and see the treasure hidden in places we rather avoid. I said we were not going to take an emotional shortcut.

Jesus did not take the shortcut.

He lived the stuff of life, and he lamented the state of affairs, the hardness of heart and the dullness of mind.

To help us lament well, in the spirit that Christ did, we stared for minutes at three art pieces that portrayed the Christ figure.

Then we watched this seven minute news documentary about the world in 2019 - image after image of strife, violence, anger and destruction.

It was hard to reckon that so much happened within twelve months, and we barely remember most of it, seeing that 2020 has hit us all with a gale-force of epic scale.

O yes, we needed to lament -- but most of us were too tired, numbed and overwhelmed to do so.

But lamenting for the Christian is the necessary pathway to the eternal trifecta of faith, hope and love.

Without lament, faith is often a wafer thin propositional position that we get all defensive about, hope is mostly an emotional state that requires positive circumstances to prop up, and love, that remains confusing and impossible for us.

In lament we have to face squarely the darkness that humans are capable of doing to each other and our precious shared planet. In lament, we have to confront the limits of good intentions and positive interventions. In lament, we have to admit that "the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, ... nor between political parties either -- but right through every human heart -- and through all human hearts”*.

Through Lament service I wanted to help us to lament well -- and so live stronger, truer and more committed to all that is good, true and beautiful.

On my way to host the Lament service, I slipped on a wet spot threw the two bags on my shoulder to the ground and broke my fall with my hands and knees. It had already rained most of the day, making it feel like the skies were weeping right along.

Then we had three tech hiccups - enough for a minor lament of its own.

---

The two services are now done.

I shall yet lose more things along the way which may well be the only way to gain some things.

I will continue to lament my own darkness as well as the dark around me.

But comfort, communion with God, and the things that truly last: faith, hope and love, shall be my portion and legacy.

These can be yours too if you allow yourself to grieve and lament.

*Alexander Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

How A Mother and Daughter-In-Law Can Teach us Hope

Recently I spoke about a mother and a daughter-in-law at a women's conference. More than six hundred women gathered to hear stories, and I was given the privilege to wrap up the conference.

But for me, the conference did not wrap up. This pair of women lingered on in my consciousness. I have thought about the story of this mother and her daughter-in-law for years now...but they surprised me by granting me keener insights.


The story of Naomi and Ruth is told in the Bible is four short chapters. It's not a pretty story when we take time to linger over what happened... .

Naomi had left her ancestral home with her husband and two sons to a foreign land. This may not strike us as tough today due to our movements. Yet if we sit with it for a while, we all know that moving is tough. There is so much to adjust to. Modern city-to-city move may seem relatively bearbable since our cities have many similar features with global culture today, but the realities are lives are abjectly lonely in crowded, busy cities.

Her sons mature and reach marriageable age, and they take on foreign wives. This is particularly significant for ancient Israeli culture as God had wanted them to keep their genealogy pure. But even today with cross-cultural marriages becoming more commonplace, it is easy to see the difficulties that attend it.

The story is told from Naomi's perspective and these bare facts are laid out quickly, and then it quickly goes south!

Naomi's husband and both sons die, too soon, leaving her a widow and childless, with two foreign daughters-in-law. Then famine hits.

In a fix, Naomi decides that her best option is to return to her ancestral land and relatives. But her daughters-in-law could be a real liability. They will be a living testament to Naomi's earlier decision to leave and the tragic outcomes of that choice. So Naomi tries to persuade them to go home. It sounds sensible too, as the women were still young and could potentially remarry and secure a future.

Then the story throws us a real spanner, for one of them, Ruth, not only refuses to leave, she makes this strange exclamation about her conviction that she actually shares Naomi's faith and sees herself as a part of the Jewish people:

 “Don’t force me to leave you; don’t make me go home. Where you go, I go; and where you live, I’ll live. Your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I’ll die, and that’s where I’ll be buried, so help me God—not even death itself is going to come between us!” ~ Ruth 1v16f

beringfamily.org

Many have speculated as to how Ruth came to hold such a view. Some suggested that Naomi must have been a shining example of faith.

But the story hints otherwise. The story records this heartbreaking revelation that many of us can identify with. Naomi laments over her life, where she tells those around her to call her 'bitter'. She saw the trajectory of her life as one that is afflicted and filled with misfortune. And don't we like her, sometimes run out of tears and find our lives in the valley too?

The thing is, Naomi actually means 'pleasant'.

This is a powerful literary cue for us.

All of us long for a pleasant, trouble-free life.

But Naomi's rather basic expectation from life was totally upended as her life basically fell apart.


So if it wasn't Naomi's shining example, we are left with a mystery as to RUth's faith and loyalty. The only clue we have is found in her name: friend.

Providentially, through this unsuited union, Naomi has been given a friend. And what do we most need in our darkest times? A reliable friend who would go the distance with us.

There is a palpable sense of hope - at least Naomi is no completely alone and desolate, having to fend for herself. Two women traveling miles to get anywhere would still be a dangerous idea, but it's far superior to a lone, old woman!

The two then reaches home safely and Ruth proceeds, with initiative to seek out a living for them by doing what she could: picking up grain that is being dropped during harvesting. From here on, the story unfolds with flow upon flow of Providence and Grace.

Eventually, Ruth is married to a rich relative who treats her honourably and they have a son who would become the ancestor of Jesus Christ!


1. When God sends a lifeline, take it.
We can say that Naomi is the Christian while Ruth appears not to be. Christians often feel the weight of being the ones to bless others. But there may be seasons when we are in dire need, and God will send us a lifeline that may seem unlikely. I hope we learn to reach for it.

Is there some uplifting resource, encouragement or direction that God is sending you? He can use a bird on a branch, the sunset, a poster, an article, music, solitude, or a human (even a stranger).

Never insist God serves you an answer the way you want it at the time you need it.

Provision and Timing are God's sovereign domain, and it is what builds faith and develops our relationship of trust in God.



2. What God has established, work within it.

In her desperation, Naomi could have begged, manipulated and stayed a victim. But as her circumstances clue her in to God's activity, she chose to trust afresh in God's order. One of which is that in ancient Israel, legal decisions are made by men. But she needed to communicate her need and sense if God has indeed opened a door. So she waited to sense what kind of man Boaz was, and then she tutored her DIL to seize the opportunity to convey the message of their need.

In our individualistic and fast-paced culture, it is hard to wait and see how others may be involved in the larger tapestry of what God is seeking to do. Also, we are often too impatient to understand what is truly going on and rush into our own solutions. Our solutions are often quite limited in wisdom and scope. But God's perspective and help is vastly different.

Are you under authority? Is there a channel for communication? Have you been given a word from Scripture (which God will not contradict!)



3. Witness God move you from your ideals to His destiny

Naomi could never engineer becoming related to Jesus Christ! Her ideal was a life of safety and relative ease. But God's destiny for her was different. Yes, it needed her to go on a path filled with sorrow - and it is not that God sends those sorrows. Life will hand us sorrows. But God kindly provided Ruth to help her transition to a whole different future - which included what she longed for: safety and security!

Naomi moved from pleasant, through the vale of bitterness and emerged hence:

The town women said to Naomi, “Blessed be God! He didn’t leave you without family to carry on your life. May this baby grow up to be famous in Israel! He’ll make you young again! He’ll take care of you in old age. And this daughter-in-law who has brought him into the world and loves you so much, why, she’s worth more to you than seven sons!” ~ Ruth 4v13-15

These thoughts fuel me with an equanimity and confidence, and gives me Hope.

I offer this Hope to you my friend.

true trIumpH

Who can we trust?
Where are the real victories?

Politicians flip what they say, especially on a campaign trail. The media has been shown up for their biases. Religious leaders reveal shocking political positions. Who do we trust?

The Democrats are in despair, while the Republicans are celebrating a restoration of historic constitutional values. Meanwhile, real people are already feeling the effects: just recently, we read of christian business owners who sometimes closed their shops because of the effects of a Supreme Court decision. Yet in recent months, we are also hearing stories of children and women feeling unsafe as they are being taunted because of a licence given to another form of 'freedom' (or superiority). What is considered victory?


What must we learn from the recent election - that God is calling his people to?

1. we are all trumpets

I am afraid we are all racist, xenophobes, biased and frightfully insecure in our own ways about different things. We all operate at some level with stereotypes. But we were able to live and let live. We were able to know without so many words that all human community and convention is best not over-analysed. Life is to be lived, not yelled at.

Here in Singapore, we grew up with silly jokes about each other. Let's be honest, we told racist jokes, we beleaguer our government, we complain about everything. Yet we knew there was a line we did not cross. Rarely did we mean ill. We saw each other as equally tried and challenged by the realities of life, even though we will envy the rich (and equally make stereotypical jokes about them too).

The internet however, has made it way too easy for us to confuse our need for self-broadcast with mindless spewing of personal opinions, often without regard for its consequence. Love thy neighbour seems not to apply online.

Recently I even learnt a new word from friends, kolaveri. It's meant to be a friendly tease, used among Tamil youths to indicate that the cranky person should back off. Its literal meaning is murderous rage, which we are seeing plenty of these days alas.

Our human desire for an audience drives us to jump in on all the confusing stuff flying around, often without careful and prayerful thought. Christians are going, "XX endorses the candidate" as if XX is God speaking, and we send echoes reverberating.

"Be slow to speak (type/share/like), slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God."  ~ James 1v19 

is probably the needful application of biblical wisdom here.

James is not saying there isn't a place for indignation that issues in actions for justice. But he very honestly shows us the shadows in our hearts and calls us to rein in our speech and our strong emotions. We just don't so easily know God's right way in any given situation, especially one as complex as this... yet -

2. we are all truth-bearers

Each of us bear witness to truth. We all bear witness to our particular story and the truths found there. We all contribute to the larger story and the truths we will uphold together.

From the American dream to the Singapore Home, the rhetoric is always about things getting better. Understandably, leadership calls for the need to cast a vision of hope. The reality for many however is looking and feeling dreadfully grim. And we are not surprised if we read our Bibles.

Yet the human heart always will need these few things: faith, hope, love.  We will differ on where we find it, experience it and express it.

The young gay man and his straight friend both need love. We all bear witness to these needs. I want to tell those who disagree it is alright. I also want to tell them that when they are vicious in their words, it hurts, for they, and our relationship matter to me. My friends are not a bunch of opinions. They are real beings with real hearts and real needs.

There is one truth that can bring us together, if we are willing. The story that unites us all. It is the honest admission that every one of us have dreams, we carry wounds, and we are capable of wounding. It is the story we all belong to: imago Dei and the Fall.

This is the story that Christians must live and tell, well.

We do better to spend our time doing these: dreaming, healing and serving.

"For we can do nothing against the truth, but for the truth" ~ 1 Corinthians 13v8

3. we are all tired and being tried

The earth is heating up, and the world is longing for renewal. We have exhausted many avenues for change. But there will always be fighters, warriors, dreamers and leaders because God loves us. There will be a cataclysmic end, but it is so wrong for us to get judgmental simply because there is a Judgment coming. 

Wishing judgment upon any nation, people or group reveals more about your heart than theirs. I believe it breaks God's heart. When we turn to our cliches that 'God is on the throne', let us be sure He is on our thrones in our secret hearts.

Wishing judgment exposes what is going us in us. We are blaming our woes on others. I have been there. I was angry with American entertainment for tainting our marriages, homes, youths and children. I was mad and disappointed at leaders for failing to stand up for the weak. I was upset with Wall Street and the White House.

But I clearly see that I did not care enough to pray properly in a sustained fashion for a world that is reeling. When I began to, my heart changed. Clinton, Obama, Miley Cyrus... every one needs prayer.

GK Chesterton's reproach is apt here:

The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried.

It is time for us to try and go about it all very differently.

Beware what we share and spread.

Become clear what we believe.

Be first a pray-er than a proclaimer.

Who can we trust? 
Christians, we must trust each other. We won't be at the same place in maturity and conviction. But let us start at the point of trust, allowing others to speak their wisdom and share their stories. We must learn to rebuild trust and not contribute to any unnecessary breakage.

In trusting each other, we honour God and trust Him as He has promised to never leave nor forsake us. In trusting each other, we make room for growth and transformation, partnerships and new possibilities because the Holy Spirit in us will lead us into all truth.

Where are the real victories?
More than any time in human history, we risk anarchy and the rule of the demagogue. More than any time in human history, ancient and traditional familial lines and community loyalties are being challenged.
When we can create a society and communities where there is faith, hope and love, so that the truth of God and His amazing love is not obfuscated, we showcase the victory of the Cross that reconciles, heals, and unites. We represent the nature and desire of God. This is victory, and one that truly lasts.

Let's shoot for real, true triumphs!

here's great, thoughtful, music to help us get there:Andrew Peterson's The Burning Edge of Dawn

all images from: http://politicschatter.com/politics-talk/slideshow/best-photos-2016-campaign-trail/

Think about it - you may save a life

This morning as I sat with my tea and kaya* toast, I thought once again of two friends who I no longer am able to contact. I have searched for them...but they are now elusive. This isn't the first time I miss people in my life.

Last night when I was at Ang Mo Kio Central, I avoided the huge exhibition on the late Mr LKY.


When you have touched grief, every death reaches a nerve that has been awakened it seems, and it relays quickly to tear ducts and places of loss. It's not a pleasant feeling and I did not want to go there as I am carrying some heartache within.



Eventually though, I walked among the black and white photos, the art pieces, the In-Memory lines penned by those who met, knew, and respected the man.

part of the exhibit at Ang Mo Kio Central Stage

I am not sure if this morning's longing to know if my friends are doing well is connected; but I refused to let my longing go to waste. What was it trying to tell me? This after all, isn't the first time I have longed for my friends.

In this case, these two friends - unconnected with each - had come to me in their time of confusion. They were at a loss about their life and they have tried some pretty rough routes. They were successful in some ways but yet they felt really lost.

I have known them both for years. We were not food or drink buddies and did not have any regular hang out time. One of them lives overseas. I'm probably not the first person they turned to; but along the way, my face and name came to them. As I thought about it, I wondered if they reached out to me perhaps because I was a pastor (even though a young one then).

The memory of their visits returned to me vividly one day. Then years ago I had prayed and left it in God's hands. Today though it seems the Spirit has more to say. As I put myself in their shoes, I realised how sorely disappointed they might have been - because - I could not enter their pain and so failed to offer any real hope. I can see their body language, the many pauses and moments of silence, and yes, the way they left.

Even as I reflected, I feel aware of my emotional state at that time: I was mired in my own struggle and it loomed so large, it was always casting this shadow over me that the Light was not shining freely around. It's hard to see clearly when it's dark and dreary.

As a result, my heart and mind was not engaging the way my friends needed me to.


This morning, this verse came from 1 Peter 1 came to me:

"...prepare your minds for action.."

 "put your mind in gear.."

Interesting that engaging and activating our thoughts is so critical.

Peter is talking about our new future in Christ, building up to His return. The allurements of self and society are many; being faithful and fruitful in our lives requires us putting all our horsepower behind it.

At risk of sounding harsh, sloth is a huge problem for many of us. Otherwise, we are busy over the wrong priorities, such as serving up our opinions on a myriad of things on social media.


What should we apply our minds to?
What should we take time to think about?

2 things:

what is diluting or threatening my identity as God's child

how in my circumstances do I live the new God-given life in Christ.

The answers to these two essential Qs will help move us towards a way of living --
- where we know what matters and what doesn't
- where we realised how immeasurably valued we are that God would send Jesus to die for us
- where what we do now will usher in a whole new existence some day

Back to my friends. I re-imagined the scene. What if we took time to think about how each other is doing, really doing, the world will know a whole new level of peace.

If we dare risk asking the Q: what are you really saying?
If we listen to the heart behind the words.

Instead we live with a lot of assumptions. We assume the family is okay. We assume the church is alright since things are humming along. In some instances, we even pretend; because we have a hunch that things are not fine but we don't feel the energy or motivation to find out the truth.

But imagine if we did.

What will happen if we took some time at the end of each day to reflect on the interactions we had. Perhaps there is someone we need to go back and check on, someone to pray for, some issue to think about. Perhaps we find it's a whole new area we may need to do some research and asking around...Perhaps we will hear fears and anxieties; but we may well hear brilliance, off-beat ideas and passion. Or we may hear pain and frustration, lostness...

...and if we have been preparing our minds, that is to say we have given thought to some of these things in the light of what God has revealed... the Spirit would draw out from the reservoir of our 'homework' and we would have hope to offer.

I cannot roll back the clock. I still hope to locate my friends and apologise for failing them. It is a huge comfort that I can turn to prayer.

You may think I am beating myself up. But this reflection leading to repentance for my self-centredness and my callous attitude towards other's pain is going to save my life and someone else's one day.

I am being saved from a false sense of myself. I see how far I am still from Christ's likeness. This does not make me 'work harder' but turn to God to find security and steadfastness. God is the one who gives the growth and matures us. Our own ideas of growth and transformation are often mixed in with the self's need for attention. No, only God's agenda is pure and true.

I trust that as He does, I will feel and fare differently in the coming days when others turn to me with their need.

* kaya - an Asian bread spread made of eggs, pandan and coconut. yummy! ref: Critical and Explanatory Commentary by Robert Jamieson, A. R. Fausset and David Brown and published in 1871.

Traveler's Views and Notes

~ an expensive trip for a frugal soul

the last two years we made long, costly trips. in 2012 i felt we needed to visit my brother in the USA. thankfully we did and enjoyed precious memories together: trying to ski, sitting by the fireplace, talking about the American elections, and most of all, the late night talks between us, about God. I still remember praying for snow for my son who has never seen that most magical sight: a snowfall. and just an hour before we needed to ride to the airport; there they came, floating down, gently at first! we grabbed our coats and dashed out the house to dance about in the falling of water in most beautiful forms! Hope seemed to bounce about us.

last june, i made a similar trip - but to bid him adieu from this side of heaven. a very different trip - back to the same lovely house of his on his sprawling yard; but this time it was sorting things out, crying, some laughing and as the family members poured in, food and more food; and more tears even as Grace wrapped around us and wove some fresh bonds.

earlier this year, the hubs and i while talking realised we never ever did have what is called a 'sabbatical'. still, we were grateful for the many pit-stops over the years to refuel and stay sane. then we thought, why not go to the one place we both love alot; and now that the kids are older, they will appreciate it more. New Zealand. Land of seas, sounds and sheep! 

but as i began to plan, i struggled. drawing out money to pay for trip to be with people we love makes sense to me. going on a trip just to enjoy ourselves felt so indulgent; especially when i am still learning Jesus' heart for the poor. i felt this strange conflict brewing in me. i wasn't sure where to place the line. my children have asked me before, "are we rich?". at first, my answer was "no". we were not rich by Singapore standards, when compared with many of our peers. But then, more recently, i have told them we are; because more than 80% of the world live with less than $10 a day.

so i kept checking back with the hubs our budget. can we really do this? 

we did it. we paid a tidy sum to-just-rest. it seems rather silly; but this is the state of our world. it tires

 us out so much. 

we skipped around animal poo on farms and talked with llamas, deer, sheep, chickens, ducks, seals, dogs, cats.. we drove or sat in an 11-hour train journey and went ooo and aah over the endless stretches of sea, rolling tussocks, sheep and cattle. we cooked and ate when we were hungry and basked in the long summer hours, exploring lakesides and glaciers. it was a lot of fun! we felt so enlivened to be so immersed in the beauty and power of creation. 

i had told the children why we are taking the trip: that we have both love the vast land; that there will be plenty for them to experience, that we will build great memories. i had reminded them of the expense and our values of not wasting and although i had thought to give some a little pocket change to spend; in the end, they both held back and didn't spend a cent on purchases! we came back just with ourselves, fattened by our wonderful experiences.

despite my inner struggle with the cost, amid the fears of spending alot and not getting a good return, the real and present danger of having to manage little tiffs and skirmishes of the heart..this was a trip held by Peace.

it was not so much about going away to get; but a making time and space to go deeper into something God had been seeking to deposit in our lives. Some times, we have to break our rhythms and even escape the scene to see and feel God's gifts deep enough they enter our beings.

At one point, i felt as if God himself stood between me and all my questions and anxieties and shielded me from the raucous soul-noises and just let me en-joy. a true vacation is one where you vacate the scene and just be.

and like the waters that are still reflect all the grandeur and beauty here, a quieted soul can take in the light and shape of all that is around and let them express without distorting them as rushing waters would.

~ wow, we did that?

i have a fear of heights while the hubs gets sick from motion. but i mounted a horse that must have been twelve hands tall and we took a small ski plane up to walk on snow upon ice! a lot of the time we felt too cold than we were used to; but mostly the weather permitted us to drive safely and enjoy the activities we did.

at mount cook, we were told the winds could get so strong that once the hotel windows all blew in and crashed. the hotel is solid reinforced steel and quite metallic and ugly-looking in order to survive the wild winds that come with such virgin territory. for the four little Singaporeans dizzy with delight? we had that "one fine, fantastic day" to fly out into the mountains the guide told us. 

young explorers at mount cook

without very precise planning {as i am not capable of it}  - we had moved in car, train, ship, horseback and on foot. we had lived in the city, in a monastery cradled in a valley, next to the sea, in the mountains and in a forest with deers around us!

Sometimes it's the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination ~ Drake.

Travel well friends!

Moms' day--"'over-rated' / disappointed - and why i will give you a look.

So Mother's Day is two days away (for countries including: United States, Italy, Australia, Belgium, Denmark, Finland, and Turkey). And yes there are poster, stickers, photos, words lyrical everywhere... and then, 

someone, somewhere is going to say the whole thing is over-rated, we made too big of a deal, we should be nice to our mothers everyday.

If you say that to me, I will give you  my finest "you are so wrong" look.  Because -

we need special days to make everyday special. It's just us.

The baboons don't need it. My cat is happy with her routines. The fish gurgle gladly to where they were first spawned. Not us. We were made for more; so we will reach for more. 

But we forget and we lower ourselves - each day we busy with our pedestrian appetites of buying, selling, getting ahead ... we forget. We forget what truly matters. We forget how good it is to be alive. We forget how much love we have received {and so can give} - even if, yes, much of it came through broken  containers and sometimes we suffer cuts as that love is poured clumsily, fitfully through our very human mothers.

Honour a special day for it cracks your heart that bit more and Life flows into spaces opened up. And our days - they flow one into another, don't they?

Another group I will reserve the "you are so wrong look"  for will be my fellow-moms who due to a day on the calendar that has gotten us looking forward to breakfast in bed, flowers, thank you notes... and as a fellow mom* admits, we expect it and huff when we don't get it. 

What we expect can become entitlement. 

"We deserve it distorts the  the sacrifice of motherhood and spins it in dizzying, disorienting circles.

Motherhood bends. Entitlement demands.
Motherhood serves. Entitlement stomps its foot.
Motherhood delights. Entitlement keeps lists.
Motherhood laughs. Entitlement whines.
Motherhood celebrates. Entitlement sulks.
Motherhood forgets itself in favor of remembering her dimple, his fastest mile, their mouths all ringed around with chocolate.

Entitlement tastes bitterness in every bite of a day that doesn't go as planned."


Let's pray for, and do something loving for our moms, for Love never fails.

Fellow moms, let's gladden our hearts in our high calling and perhaps inspire ourselves afresh as the whole world give recognition to our calling.


Here's a bit of inspiration and something to think about then -

A good mother is a role model for her immediate family and for everyone else she meets. Her joy makes those around her happy. And every woman is called to be a mother, whether married or single, and whether or not she has had children. People notice a woman who loves God and whose primary concern is serving others.

I cannot thank God enough for the love of my own mother, and for her deep relationship with my father. Even though they could never be called "religious" people, it was obvious to us seven children that our parents loved God, each other, and each one of us. And while it was clear that our father was head of the family, he never tolerated the slightest disrespect from us towards our mother.

Many women today resent the idea of motherhood, but they forget that it is a privilege as well as a task. Once regarded as the highest calling of woman, it is now pushed aside by "real" careers and viewed as an inconvenience or even an embarrassment. While this rebellion might be understandable in the case of oppression and abuse, it achieves nothing. How different family life could be if we admitted our confusion over the roles of man and woman; if we sought to rediscover God's plan for both, and regarded one another with respect and love!

Women today hold important jobs right up to the time they go into labor, and that is admirable. But when pregnancy and children require it, a woman's first priority should always be motherhood. She should be a mother first and foremost – and only after that, a doctor, teacher, lawyer, manager, or accountant. Far from regretting or resenting it, she ought to feel that motherhood is a gift, and that in God's eyes, there is no sacrifice more worthy than one made for a child.

Finally, watch this:

Moms, these things you are. Be great-ful!

Credit: Inspiration from Johann Christoph Arnold & mom sharing taken off http://lisajobaker.com/

We come, to let His love rest on us

A vivid sensing came today: it is us in our busy days with our needs churning within us looking hither, thither for answers. We are busy reading off the Net, taking notes, making plans, trying to squeeze any juice of hope from these mostly dry places just to keep going. How nice to be able to just stop, have a totally lazy day and chill! But the wheels crank on and our hearts long for a rest that is deep, satisfying, and renewing.
How nice.

Recently i saw that magnum opus of a movie Gravity. Many minutes into the show, I felt a sensation of weightlesness and a slight sense of anxiety coming over me as i witnessed Sandra Bullock float-leap-crawl from space to space. It felt better whenever she was inside some capsule, but O, the endless expanse of space... and that dread moment when her colleague Clooney cut off the tether... Solid ground, give me solid ground - and soon! It was a palpable relief when she finally landed on earth.

Psalm 33v22 ~
YHWH, let your faithful love rest on us,
as our hope has rested in you.

We look up to people, watch for signs that the circumstances have shifted, yearn to hear a 'well done', 'thank you', 'I love you'.... and we are restless. God is near but so so far. Holiness is a benchmark we strive for rather than the amazing Grace presence that has opened up to us and now touches every little spot of our lives.

But - after the roving and roaming, if we will, our need for hope, our sense of hope can connect with Hope itself, tethered safe.

When we can stop clambering, worried and scared to death that we won't make it; and gather all of what we need and long for into a bundle and sit with God. 
Let our hope -- rest . in . You! 

Then, we shall see that God is waiting for us to be still enough to feel his Love resting upon us.

Yes, things will happen, people will hurt and disappoint, we will make dastardly mistakes...but we are never cut off to float into nothingness. What's more, we can regularly, deliberately, gather our life-bundle and sit with God, learning to be still enough to experience the Holy One loving us. Wow.

{here's one way: A Quiet Morning }

Of the weak, and our equal need for final hope

Today we look at Psalm 9-10 which is really one Psalm, written as an acrostic, using the Alphabets to start off each line. It's a great way to remember things! You can hear it read in Hebrew here: Psalm 9 read in Hebrew.

i attempt a little acrostic for us ~ the Psalm itself is not a complete acrostic; and of course we won't use all of the English alphabets...

A~
Alleluia! {do this in a tune that comes to your mind! it's for singing!}

B~
Based on your judgement that acquits me, my enemies beat a retreat

C~
Complete cities and nations are wiped out

D~ 
Dethrone You? No way? Judgement is coming.

E~
Everyone who fears you receives your help

F~
For you remember, and so we sing

G~
God! hold me safe so I can sing happily of your rescue

H~
How apt- You reveal yourself as nations are caught in their own sin

{pause with muted music}

N~
Nations that disregard you ought to go to burn

O~
Oppressed ones will be remembered, their longing will materialise for You will bring to trial and show that we are but mortals

P~
Pity the weak, you seem far off...and the wicked disdains your reality..

R~
Rude, boastful, and scheming, they assume you are too 'soft' to deal with them and they pursue their gain at the expense of the weak and poor; who have become bait and prey.

S~
See! Surely you see it and measure it all-- for to the orphan you are the only recourse.

T~
Totally break the power of the wicked and evil for you are King to everlasting.

In a sense, we who live in affluence will never touch the heart of the cry in Psalms 6-7 and 9-10 - unless- we reach, touch and choose to carry the hurt, losses, and the sense of hopelessness many in the world feel. As Jesus reminds us, 'the poor are ever with us'. The crazy spirit and law of this world  ensures that as man seek gain in expense of each other.

In this regard, we can all be guilty. Have we not sought our own good, comfort, well-being above that of others; and perhaps at time, at the expense of others? The getting-so-hot earth is a like a heating cauldron where the things will boil and rush over... because we seek lifestyles that the earth was not designed to provide. The life we get so used to - churning out carbon and waste and phenomenal rates is one our brothers and sisters in other parts will not have. Their portion is to work in the sun -- and we make their work harder as the heat turns up while we hide in our air-con rooms.

Can you and I understand these Psalms? Pray them?

They are there in Scripture: we can, and we must. For even in our 'good life' we too know suffering through sickness, loss and power-play. These Psalms then unite us with those who seem so different - as we both cry to God as our Source of Hope. And hopefully, we look at what we have and share it; trusting God to finally break the power of evil forever.

p.s. - i take a break from writing over the weekend. journal and write your own reflections and share them with us! Selah.

Hope Again!

I recently had one of those moments.

Everything seemed bleak and too much. I felt stuck, trapped, foolish, and small. But I stepped away from myself.

 

I ran to the Royal Bosom of Hope - and the Word, and words... helped me see clearly, and although all is not as I wish, courage and hope arise within me... and as this well-written piece about Peter, Paul and all of us reminds us...

Don't Lose Hope for your hope points to Something Larger {click here}

Won't you run to the Royal Bosom of Hope too?

and cling, cling, cling... and... climb!

Valentine's? Valentine's!

We don't really do Valentine's.
You have heard the reasons: cost, mush, rush, hush..
but really, it's a tad too lovey-dovey for us; we who are white knuckled from our grips...it's a bit too much to gaze, adore, fawn..when there is so much everyday to get through.
But guess what?
we are going for a dinner tonight. A Valentine's dinner!
I was almost afraid to ask. I who long for, fight, resist, and...all wrangled in my little girl fears..
how do we live with such hope and dread, fancy and frustration, anticipation and anxiety?  All of it all at once sometimes.
this invasion needs a countermanding Presence that brings quiet, calm and ...peace.
for it takes peace to receive and give love - and have a great Valentine's day dinner!

The GIFTS of faith, hope and love

We walk with God the way we always do life: in our strength. We count on our ability to study Scripture, to serve, to drum up 'faith', to 'love'..to 'hope' against the odds..
and we grow weary.


Life was never designed like that.


To really live - and yes, it only happens when we first stop this ingrained habit of self-actualisation (remember the sinner's prayer which is really a prayer of relinquishment?) - we catch a glimpse of that..and O! the peace, the joy and newness..and then, sameness creeps back in.
It isn't that we are in the wrong church crowd. It isn't that our Bible knowledge is too weak. It isn't that others are making it way too difficult for us to love them. [though all this is true of course]


It is that we have lapsed -
back to trusting ourselves to live our lives well, right, good, pure
and it just cannot be done.


Faith, hope and love - are gifts.
We receive them as we slow ourselves enough to.


I think this is what I will say to my neighbour, who is not a Christ follower, but otherwise many ways like me (we like a lot of the same stuff, rant about the system...haha):
we struggle alike in many things: marriage, children, meaning..but there is just this one difference between us. At a time in my life, I met Jesus and he is in my life now. Indeed He is my life now. i am still discovering what that means..but i have seen now that because he is the foundation, the steady, my struggles give rise to
faith - i believe they are purposeful and useful, even though painful
hope - i have seen things change, get better, been startled even!
love - i keep being loved to love better...


All gifts and Jesus opened the way, qualified me to get them.


And all these are invitations for me to live totally different: 
as a recipient and not as a rebel or engineer or critic
as rested not wrestling, weary, wounded (and licking my wounds and comparing them with others')
as resurrected not dying, dead or deadened.

Grace tracks

GRACE, God tracks us who once sought Him.
This past week, what i have believed, written and taught came over me again - - and Grace works like strong relentless waves, crashing up upon the shore until it is clean. Lapping at the edges of faith until fresh sand, sea glass, seaweed contours...

I stood powerless, I who once fought and worked hard for my vision of the glorious...too tired to want to try anymore. If God only showed up when I was depleted, it would seem cruel. But no, i know He has constantly been around. i have a record of the wind blowing...but i really did prefer my way, my time, my outcomes...and so i had to fight till i tire.

And then, Grace still came around.

i want to take some credit: all the hours of trying, praying, buckets of tears...
does it matter? In the mystery of love and time, Grace gathered everything and mixed them into a healing potion. Will i drink this cup?
i sip tentatively... strength, hope, even warmth returns...

now i must note Grace's tracks and keep walking in the path set out..

break free?

it's with much sadness that i read the story of how a child prodigy finally broke free - only to find herself with licence and the very real burdens of staying afloat...imagine being in one reality for so much of one's life - more than ten years - in a regimented home without much exposure to the world. suddenly, she is in oxbridge and the one who would interpret life for one is not there. it is freedom, opportunity and chaos all at once.
pity the father who does not understand what life, growth, maturity and success truly means. pity even more this poor gal whose unreal world comes crashing down - and she does not know what to construct in its place....
it reminds me of another girl, a Singapore girl who established notoriety-fame by seeking to break the world record for having the most sexual encounters within a day. what would drive any one to do something like this?
i cannot be sure; but i do know this even within my own bosom - we are deeply insecure beings and re-anchoring ourselves regularly is essential to sanity and substantial living.
When we move too fast though; this may not occur at all; and we have many sad tales of the once successful become have-been-theres lose their bearings and their birth-right as essential beings in a inter-connected world. what waste. what travestry.
we hope. it does not happen too much. we hope. it does not happen too close.
but our hope is paper-thin and easily torn asunder. for some, like this gal, all the world she has known holds no hope it seems...
no, hope must come from beyond us. HOPE must be captial H.
we need something/someone stronger, deeper, more permanent and enduring to moor ourselves to. that's Hope. reach for it. write me and i will tell you Hope's name.