10 Apr 2017

Far from home, close to Love

I had expected more suspicious looks and carefully let-out recriminations that sum up as:

How Can You Leave Them?

It is the first thing that wormed within me when the email came that I received the scholarship.

I thought about how my mother didn't even buy herself anything fancy, visit a spa or expect gifts, until she had retired and our support had been steady and strong.

Just a generation away, and the responses I received were:
I am envious man
You deserve it
What an opportunity
Great break, go for it!

I am committed to grow as a person and in my vocation as a pastor-writer. Still, my mom-heart is so dead-centre in my being that the decision was anything but easy.

It isn't because I am a hovering parent. It's not even because of the son's exams. It's not that I fear they will unravel without me, for they won't.

I am the kind of momma who has knitted her soul with her children. I am pretty sure we haven't always made all the best choices for them, but my love is deep. My soul quivers, rises and falls sullen upon their childishness, their stubbornness, their strengths and weaknesses. My children affect me deeply, and I let them.

I think we affect God deeply, and He lets us.


But I am aware of a beckoning.
I sense a weariness in my soul.
Extended solitude is safety for the soul.
And it's time to write.

So I packed very slowly over a few days, quite unsure what I will need as I watch the weather. [It is a good thing I am a minimalist, so I am here with 4 sets of clothes and no hair dryer].


When I arrive, I know straight away this is a place their souls will come alive and miss them.







But this is a gift for me and I need to receive it.

The children are brave. Of course, they want to come. Of course, they blurt out that I am 'on holiday'. Of course, they are missing me. But the best love a momma soul can have? They believe that their momma is on adventure with God. They encouraged me and assure me that they will be fine!



We love to try to make sense of everything, but this hiatus is quite awkward to make sense of.

The productive ones who use a ledger want to know what i gained by this 'sacrifice' (so, have you written anything so far?).
The romantics want to see lovely pictures, read about my jaunts and share the adventures.
The worriers don't need to say anything, I am quite capable of conjuring worse case scenarios myself!





I only know God carved out this space and time for me. He will have the answers to the rest if I really need them, in His time.

So, till the end of April, please know that if you need to make any decision and it's not easy, it's okay.

And do pray for me to return stronger, more loving, and hopefully with some writing too.