The rot of Impatience

I want patience,
and I want it now!

Did you chuckle? This was a popular preacher's get-some-laughs line whenever the topic was Patience. But it's a joke that still works today.

Patience is hard, and our fast-paced, efficient society filled with conveniences makes it harder. We are used to quick and quicker. But the price we pay with our souls and our relationships are evident. So we see the pushback with mindfulness, meditation, the slow movement and so on.


I really am curious to know statistically how many people are truly more calm, patient and happier with so much spa, retreats and yoga going on everywhere.

But what's the big deal with a lil impatience?  A lot.

For starters, it's pretty much grump to be around someone who is irritable and convey that they cannot wait to move on to the next thing.

Impatience breeds many woes:

communication breakdowns
suspicion
bad decisions

These in turn can lead to burnt bridges, broken hearts, shattered relationships and regrets that sap hope and faith for the future.

Singapore news has been hogged a fair bit the last few years by our train system. We had trains that stopped mid-tracks, didn't stop at stations, announced wrong information, and most recently, flooded with heavy rains causing a massive twenty hour outage. People called for heads to roll. The company offered the unusual move of amnesty in order to surface the reason for the flooding. Parliament talked about it.

Naturally for a modern economy, train failures supposedly cost us. It's inefficient and creates a lot of inconvenience (those words again) and extra work.

Who doesn't like a well-oiled system that never fails?

(As an aside, if we cling to these values, we will capitulate to machines very soon. They are after all, more predictable as long as there is power).

The train debacle revealed that there are cultural and systemic issues. Among other things, this means that along the way, decisions were made and protocols were created that did not make sense or did not really work well. Could it have been Impatience at work?

So is it a case of Impatience breeding issues which we now want to impatiently resolve? Hmm....

Meanwhile back at home base,  I see the effects of Impatience up close on a daily basis.

Isn't the dh going to say goodbye?
When is she going to do the dishes she agreed to wash?
Hasn't the timer gone off, and the fella is still Minecrafting?

Impatience when activated, routinely call for reinforcements known as Raised Voice and Routine Arguments.

So my tone and volume goes up a little. No response. It goes up a little more.... and at times, this leads to the scenario where the unwashed dishes now become 'when are you going to be responsible' kind of talk which can become a cultural and systemic issue!

If I am not careful, my soul caves into anxiety and anger along with the impatience. The relationship then gets coloured by such episodes and the entire atmosphere at home can change.

This is the rot of Impatience.

We get so quick at sizing up situations, labeling them and judging them. But lives and loves take time.

Each life and each relationship and each situation has its own timing for development and fruition.

Jesus asked us to consider the lilies of the field. That's not the easiest thing to do! We reduce that to 'take time to smell the roses' and by that, we mean a quick, token whiff that is an insult to all roses and their magical fragrances.

The lilies' splendor and beauty comes in their time.

Jesus says even the wisest and richest king could not arrange for such an array. Woe be the day we engineer everything to suit our time! The rot will be endemic then, and I shudder to consider the price we will pay for it.

For those who are serious about the spiritual life, every generation and every cultural milieu poses soul threats.
Post-modern living has a way of conforming our souls to a small restricted space as everything careens and spins on. The solid core that should hold us and keep us robust is weak and un-exercised.

We live on borrowed manna from others. We survive and cope, rather than thrive. We are a jangle of nerves. We are breathless. The core of our being is eaten up by the demands and the rot of impatience gnaws away from the fringes inwards. We lose sight of why we are so busy and anxious, and don't have the time to find out.

When I sense the rot of Impatience, I have found that two things stop the infection. First, holding my tongue. Second, choosing trust.

These two are impossible to do unless I can go to God regularly and let my tongue roll, where the questions, concerns and anxieties are unloaded. It's a heart dump of sorts. Then I need to know my Scripture, for nothing secures trust like the Lord's eternal word. I let the words sink a little deeper, I pray them, I write them down, I sing them. So I can trust that although things may not seem to be the way I like them, I can continue to sow and wait for the harvest.

Then I see in my imagination, something like spring visiting a frozen heart, life coming back in and hope arising.

I may text the dh a tender greeting.
I may just do the dishes.
I may ask why the game is so interesting.

Or

I may text a reminder that ends with a funny gif.
I may focus on something good.
I may wave a little note that says 'time's up!'.

Because growth takes time. A life takes a lifetime. And we don't need the rot of Impatience to ruin it.


What triggers your impatience?
What builds your patience?

Do you have a Q for Jenni? Email it to: johhuan@gmail.com [if it will bless others, she may share it while you remain anonymous].

The hermeneutic of suspicion and how to tear it apart

Somewhere, someone, somehow, we learnt not to trust.

We distrust ourselves.
Living Google world, we wonder if we need yet more information in order to make a decision. Knowing how many times we have messed up in the past can cause us to lose confidence in our ability to judge and choose well. This shows up in our lack of confidence to deal with decisions or certain aspects of life.

We distrust each other.
Close friendships can be torn asunder, siblings can quarrel past the parents' demise, couples break up due to infidelity or from disappointments and hurts that feel too deep to heal from.

Distrust is growing and gnawing at us all today. We distrust those who take a different view of things, hold to different values, espouse different ideals.

Distrust is extremely toxic as it presumes that the other is 'guilty' as it were, and lays down an a priori verdict.  This is the air and the hermeneutic today. We pick up the newspapers expecting to find news that we will object to. We engage social media to like/dislike/opine at the most superficial understanding of any situation. We half-listen to one another, more focused on how we will respond so as to trump the conversation.

Our brains that seek consonance conspire in this process with its innate ability towards confirmation bias, and we practise selective listening with finesse.


All of this happening in a time when self-expression and fulfillment are the gods of the day, which means that our referent point is The Self, a pretty small space to begin with.

Where lies the hope that we can communicate with more calm?

How can we reach out to those who began at a totally opposing end of the spectrum?

What is the way forward for marriages, families, and ecosystems within society, including political structures?

Recently, a young adult tried to educate me about SRS (sex reassignment surgery), and she began by saying that I must see it as a sin. I have never interacted with her prior to this, and she was writing an email to me about a subject that is both sensitive and painful. I was surprised that she had presumed (probably because I am a pastor) that my first frame of reference is about the sinfulness of it. In reality, what bothered me was the very real pain, loss and grief of the psychiatric condition dysphoria. To feel a disconnect with one's self, to experience rejection, and to search for a way out - all of it is deep pain. I agonised for the person and her family. I also agonised over how the church can communicate truth in such circumstances.

So how we can trust each other better?
How can we regain trust when we have lost it?
How do we prevent what precious little trust we have from going to rot?

Nothing is resolved where there is no genuine heart interest to do so.

Why bother to risk it and get hurt or disappointed - we hear it all the time.

Someone has pulled the wool over our eyes, having us believe that protecting our interests, guarding our borders and entrenching our positions is what grants security. This happens emotionally, psychologically, socially, and even politically. It is all playing out before us these days. From the needless haggling for a petty discount to the couple breaking up the assets, to the culling of human lives through immigration policies, we live by the rule of paucity and mistrust. There isn't enough to go around, and survival goes to the ones who can out-manuvuere others. We build walls all the time. Trump's wall is but a visible expression of an inward reality that already exists.

We need a fresh vision.

We need to believe that trusting is better.


Interestingly, the heart of the Christian's relationship with God is one of trust, expressed as obedience. 

But O, how we struggle to trust God!

With mere logic, it can seem insane to trust an unseen Being. It feels scary to say that an ancient text (collection of texts to be precise) should be infallible and hold authority over our lives - whatever we feel, grapple with, aspire towards.

Trust isn't what we are inclined towards, although we need it and yearn for it.

We want someone we can rely on, count on, come through.

Yet our parents, BFFs and all will have moments when they cannot be all we need them to be.


In the midst of turmoil, the prophet Isaiah inserted this gem in chapter 26. Here it is, in three different English versions:

“The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in You. [NASB]

You will keep in perfect peace
    those whose minds are steadfast,
    because they trust in you. [NIV]

You, Lord, give true peace.
    You give peace to those who depend on you.
    You give peace to those who trust you. [ICB]

Trust in God yields the fruit of conviction of mind, a steadfastness, and peace.

Conviction of mind is important for us to enter into interactions. It offers us an anchor and a vision for where we want things to go. But it needs the other two, or it can be mere stubborness and even a hurtful bull-dozing.

Steadfastness is needed because mistrust easily creeps back into our psyche. We ask endless 'what ifs'... and back-pedal or stall due to this. Being steadfast allows us to hold on and plod through these moments.

Peace in the Bible is not so much an emotional state, but a relational state. Hence trusting God gives rise to peace as we recognise that God is larger and stronger than our arguments and defenses. We go into dialogue and seek the possibility of understanding, and even communion by holding on to this peace and letting it become the atmosphere for the encounter and interaction.

Recently I read an excerpt from Kay Warren's heart-rending story of how her early years of marriage were a wreck. She had stumbled upon pornography as a young woman and that had filled her with a darkness and a guilt that seeped into her marriage. Pornography is a dehumanising deed, degrading both the those who watch it and those who perform for it. They also got married very young when much of their life values and skills were not matured. Like all couples, Kay and Rick gave each other plenty of ammo to choose a lack of trust.

But they tore asunder the wool being pulled over them. They chose instead to trust God, and from there, to trust each other, again and again.

If there is any relationship as intense and as open to abuse, it is the marriage. Two lives, two hearts, two totality, coming together like rivulets crashing together into a turbulent stream.... a powerful force that can shape what it meanders around.

And perhaps this is why the marriage is a sign of the Kingdom. When two hearts can learn to rest in trust in the Heart of Love, and slowly pick up the skills to speak, listen, and act out of trust in God and each other, that training will overflow into other areas of life. That unity will sustain other lives (children especially) through the inevitable seasons of life. That union will showcase that the genders can co-operate and bring out the best in each other, and not compete as if there is only space for one gender.

If you are not married, there are yet plenty of places to grow to trust.

As we trust God, His trustworthiness folds into our being and we too grow to be able to trust others and ourselves better.

You are the best parents: Helping our children beat the competition {i mean the 'competition'}!

So in school they talk to our kids about work, jobs, the future.

My mighty teen as with most teens waffle every other month about what she wishes to do. Some days she's totally unsure of her own abilities and interests even. But the other day we had a conversation that surprised me. She talked about how the economy is changing and how there will be so much competition.

Knowing this isn't something we talk about, not in this way at home anyway, I knew she had been subject to some serious talking-to in school. She likes being a nice person and I could tell this notion sat uncomfortably with her.

In fact, it sits uncomfortably with me too!

Did God create a world of scant resources where we must fight, outwit, outstrip, even kill in order to live and thrive? This is not the narrative I read in the Book. Our economic model based on limited resources and unlimited wants may well be faulty. We all laugh at the basic premise of Economics: humans are rational; for clearly it's not so straightforward.

But not being fully rational isn't a bad thing. Idealism, altruism, selflessness all trump rationality (sorry for the unfortunate connection to the US elections; a clear case of irrationality of the bad kind by the way).


What do Airbnb, Uber, Queri and many ideas that are springing up to challenge the traditional economy have in common? Collaboration, sharing, and the maximizing of existing resources - why leave a home empty, a car unused, your well-worked out answers laying about when it can meet another's need, and in the process earn you a buck or more?

Of course, everyone joins the latest bandwagon because it's novel, exciting and promising. But I would like to believe that many are genuinely interested to share, to collaborate, and to better steward our resources. I would like to believe that we are maturing to grapple with the reality that the earth's resources are being plundered and our current economic model isn't sustainable; so we have to rethink our positions: perhaps like the child who realises that he actually has more varied toys to play with, and gain some friends along the way; when he shares his toys.

Of course, sharing both generates and depends on trust and goodwill. It also depends on appreciation. The more we appreciate what others are sharing and express our appreciation, the more we will cultivate the possibility of a new way of life.  But trust, goodwill and appreciation can be the true scarce commodity. So it isn't for everyone, sadly.


Speaking of appreciation, today I expressed appreciation to a school principal, a teacher, a businessman and a doctor. Each of them found it hard to respond to the appreciation. Even a simple "thank you" wasn't readily forthcoming. Perhaps it just doesn't happen enough. We expect people to do their job (they are paid for it after all) and that's that.

So the road to new ways of living that may help us as a civilization isn't going to be an easy one. The old message of competition is too hardwired into our consciousness; and is a lived reality for many who have been dislodged by it and suffer daily with indignity, abuse, neglect, and inadequacy.


The old economy's mantra is one of competition. When we look at others as competitors we must beat them; and it works against the grain of trust, vulnerability and community.

cool right? at the mighty teen's school

Singapore is known to be kiasu and kiasi (the double whammy of fearing to lose out and to die) and our national narrative is evolutionary theory's heartbeat: survival of the fittest. There is certainly plenty of evidence to bear out the theory of survival in kingdom anmialia, I do think that homo sapiens have far more within us.

So this is what I told my teen.

"Why don't you think in terms of the contribution you would like to make? What difference would you like to see in others' lives, and in our society or world? What abilities do you now have and what else do you need?"

I happen to have a younger child who loves to win. Competition would be second nature to him. But I can easily see how that slides into an unhealthy view of others. I read somewhere that we should teach our child to compete against themselves. This means that winning is overcoming their personal odds and mastering themselves. I love this approach far better.

What do you think will happen if parent our children differently then? To compete against their own selves; to collaborate with others, and to live their lives as a contribution.


related posts:
3 anchors for our children's future
future ready?

scripture references:

Ecclesiastes 4v4 "I have seen that every labour and every skill which is done is the result of rivalry between a man and his neighbour. This too is vanity and striving after wind."

Ecclesiastes 5v18: "Here is what I have seen to be good and fitting: to eat, to drink and enjoy oneself in all one's labor in which he toils under the sun during the few years of his life which God has given him; for this is his reward."

How sorry is sorry enough....and why it matters.

How sorry is sorry enough?

In our world of feel-good, no one wants to be, feel, or say sorry these days. I mean, when was the last time you apologized to someone; or had someone apologized to you?

There is even a need for a book like this:

We are awkward, clumsy, unsure and unwilling about it.
Parents, especially moms are probably luckiest when our kids, very little, are fairly quick to say sorry.

But they outgrow it!

What does 'sorry' mean?

There are two things to be sorry about when something goes wrong. We are sorry for our actions. We are sorry for the effects of our actions; how it has impacted others.

Whilst the children were still little, I learnt from watching other parents to teach them to say, 

I am sorry I disobeyed and didn't pack my toys.

I am sorry I threw the toy on the floor. 

-- an apology that includes how they feel and what they did wrong. 

The thing is, well into adulthood, we continue to have our toys and tantrums. But we may well have learnt the fine skill of justifying and rationalizing it all. We would also have learnt the art of self-defense where our motives and actions are always somewhat right so there's nothing to really apologize for.

Deeper into the territory, we may decide that it is pointless to apologize or feel sorry since nothing really changes; we are just different and should go our separate ways.

This explains why with all our education and the best of spiritual persuasion, the world is full of pride and prejudice, selfishness and sin: we learn to be comfortable with it all; it's the way things are and we can’t really change it.

Some of us even parent our children into this reality -

You mustn't trust anybody so easily
If you don't fight for it, someone else will get it
Take care of yourself, no one is going to take care of you

Any wonder if our homes and churches and communities ricochet with hurt, accusation and apathy?

I wonder about this. No one ever taught me to say sorry. I was totally bad at it. There were very few instances I felt a need to express it, and when I did, it rarely found it way through my teeth. Feeling remorseful and wrestling with regret is more virgin territory to me than uttering the word 'sorry'.

What I saw growing up was folks making amends and coping: the uneasy, awkward silence, the clumsy attempts to patch up with deeds of kindness, staying away to avoid further trouble, or just being silent and hoping it will all be forgotten in time. I could never be sure where the relationships stood. They were not classroom lessons; but lessons nonetheless - more is caught than taught after all.

But these approaches didn't cut it. Not as a spouse, a parent or a leader.

My spouse is the expert 'apologiser'. I tease him (and believe) that his apologies have many times saved our marriage. Sometimes I look at him and wonder what on earth he is even apologising for! We are both sensitive souls; but perhaps sensitised to slightly different stimuli.

My children of course were not going to be able to learn well if they don't have a humble posture in life. To help them learn the needful art of restoring relationships, I needed to model apology for them; and there were plenty of opportunities for sure:

Mom is so sorry I raised my voice just now
I am so sorry you feel this way...
Sniff, I am sorry, please let's forgive each other and hug up...
Sorry I had to turn the TV off because…
Mom is crying because I am sorry I disobeyed God…

Life is about growing in Grace and Truth - the twin pillars of living for what's right, and in a way that is bold and enriches others - and being sorry is inevitable. The energy for sorrow and making amends propels us towards growth. We learn from our failures and persevere in our convictions. We hack away the tendrils of complacency and compromise to be able to stand tall and strong. We fight our self-preservation tendencies and pride to hunker down and do the work necessary to keep the ship afloat and sailing.

The power of being sorry, rightly.

Like all powers, it begins early and has to be trained and harnessed. It is not a true power when a child says sorry when told to. It is not a true power when an adult says sorry because he's backed against a wall. It has to happen from the inside out. 

So how sorry is enough?

It's easy to tell a child to 'say sorry'. But we must do more.

We must then progress to help them see the values behind it and nurture their hearts to embrace those values:

relationships matter,
truth matters,
your motives and methods matter.

Above all, when we are proud and loveless, when we choose the easy way out and lie or cheat, when we pretend and hide behind a veneer of respectability and good behaviour, we are doing self-harm and dis- honouring God.

Saying sorry needs to be taken to the highest court.

 I have found that no real change happens until this occurs. When we are willing to stand before God and admit our sin, when we can turn to another and admit the pain we caused them…..when we are truly sorry, we change. Short of that, we easily return our old ways and fall into familiar ruts again and again. This is how we get jaded and numbed and cynical of real change and Kingdom glory.

In fact, many traditions and cultures create a way for apology and renewal of trust; often at cusp of a new year.

The Muslims seek the forgiveness of their elders at the start of Adil Fitri.
The Hindus are stern about familial order - if you touched an older person rudely, an immediate apology is required.
The Chinese will organise a meal where the aggrieved party is served tea by the contrite offender.

For the Christian?

There is confession before God that can happen anytime - what freedom!

"if we confess our sins, he is just faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." ~ 1 John 1v9

And then there are Seasons for deeper reflections leading to root origins of some of our most pernicious and duplicitous behaviour. We are in such a season right now: Lent. It began with Ash Wednesday when we remember our mortality and our sinful bent and mark it with ash on our foreheads (not all Churches do so these days).

Christians who have known mercy and live upon Grace, and know how to say sorry will be peace-makers, and O how our world needs that!


And here is a portion of the wonderful movie Inside Out that can be a great tutorial. Sorry is a hard territory and can be a long way - through the places of pride and fear of being rejected or ridiculed. But Short cuts may not cut it... a clip from Inside Out... and this is what it's like - just a series of events...when we don't ever process all our jumbled emotions...

and if you want a proper study about it: when a Japanese apologises and when an American does.

What will be NEW for you this year?

As the first day of January washed up the shores of my soul, I wrote on the board in my home, "What will be NEW for you?". Those words are still there. They remind me not to go back to the same, the old, the habitual, the knee-jerk -- not when Vision, Imagination and Longing are drawing me towards growth, difference, fresh, and possibility.

 I talked to my family - I remind us about Christmas just past; that it was Good News because Jesus had come to make all things new. We knew in our hearts the ways that hurt, that drained joy, that robbed peace from our home. We must reject old ways that have hurt us and look forward in faith, and act in accordance to the newness Jesus wants to give us.

We don't want to talk, think, or act the same. I dream of peaceable words, tender attention, patient bearing with each other...that in our daily life of believing in the New, we are being changed to bring the New to our world.

What about you?

I know it can be scary to dream. I know what disappointment tastes like. I know what defeat feels like and how it loves to linger around and turn everything stale and colourless. But, your heart and mine - are hearts held by God and fashioned by Him, are hearts meant to beat with hope, are hearts that can be be set aflame. Indeed, we need to have confidence that as God loves us and gives us His Spirit, many of what we desire are good things and ought to be in our lives, even if they are not yet! {see Psalm 37v4}

Often, God uses one of his many promises to trigger a sense of possibility. Such as ~

And he will be the stability of your times,
a wealth of salvation, wisdom and knowledge;
the fear of the LORD is his treasure. {Isaiah 33v6}

I long for stability! This verse draws me. It turns within my belly and I see the truth of it: i need to treasure, value, prioritise, honour God in my moments & movements.

Which of the many promises of God is tugging at your heart these days? {please do share with us in the comments!}


God's Word is always an invitation to an adventure of trust. 

I am learning again to take His Word - first, seriously, totally -

I have found that --
when you give the Word the place its rightful place, it anchors down and I can distinguish better; and swat away the lesser words, and, the lies.

the Word is milk and meat and when I am fed, I am less susceptible to feed myself cheap substitutes.

the Word is God-breathed; and each time I read, savour, meditate, fresh life-giving breath enters my being.

I am sure God will pepper 2014 with many specific promises and remind me of many I need to recall. But in His goodness, he began me with a familiar Psalm {yes, i have read it as part of my Psalm trek }, but it was so sweet to read it slow, write it and ask for eyes to notice what I must !

Go seek your promise(s)! There will be NEW this year!

Greener Pastures?

Initial Thoughts on Migration

I would love to live somewhere else: somewhere cooler, with vast lands, a more child-friendly educational system, less of a city.

 

so this is WHY they crossed the road -- greener pastures !?!

Many of us harbor such desires.

What does God think of us moving to ‘greener pastures’?

Most people who start planning usually go through these steps:

Research feasibility

Plan/apply

Go if doors open

This seem a pretty reasonable approach once you can sever the pangs of guilt for leaving the motherland, kith and kin behind.

I am inclined to think that God is actually alright with us living anywhere in His great world. He loves his children to be free!

But the greatest freedom we have is the freedom to trust.

We have been freed from the grip of fear, the tyranny of the urgent, the choke-chains of marching to a common whip.

This freedom is tasted, renewed and relished only out of a reinstated relationship with our Maker.

In fact,  if in the end, having a growing, vital relationship with God that oozes life is what it’s all about; most of the difficulties we have are not about the landscape; but about our soulscape ! 

Why would we find it easier to trust God just because we changed our address?

Living out of this freedom, perhaps God wants us to add in a few more steps to our decision-making process:

Check heart for areas of struggle to trust

Check heart for areas of ungodly expectations

Ready heart to yield and rest

See if the need to move still surfaces

Ask for a sense of direction & purpose

So we turn our admission of loss, frustration and lack into a fresh adventure of trust! 

I highly suspect that God simply loves this: He being who He is, will lead, provide and prove Himself true. But alas, we being who we are, prefer He quickly endorses our plans! 

The former way works better always though, doesn't it?

note: this post is prompted by a common conversation thread among my peers; we with the struggling with-school-going kids.