I want to dream on...

I have always been a dreamer.
When I was in Primary four, and the teacher had called my name several times and failed to get my attention, she said to the whole class, "Yim Tee is a dreamer". Then she promptly shifted me to the back of the class to be left to my dreaming!

I grew up harboring many dreams in my heart. Some of it was plain necessary as we were poor and i was one of a large brood. I dreamt of running away from home to a different life where there will be toys, a pony and good food... to a place like Sesame Street where people smiled kindly and large puppets, funny and grouchy were your neighbours.

I dreamt of becoming somebody important, like a doctor who saves lives. A singer who is clothed in glamour. At times, i trimmed my dreams to fit my circumstances. Perhaps i could be satisfied with selling roast meat rice, being an air-stewardess, or just getting married ...to someone richer.

But when I was eight, I said a prayer to ask Jesus to be my best friend. Since then, another heart seemed to beat within my bosom. By the time, I had listened to my Sunday school teacher teach us about God's great big world and the perishing millions; a new dream begin to unfold within me. I was going to serve God.

Perhaps due to my humble circumstances, I never really harboured grandiose ideas though I had asked for millions to rid the world of some of its poverty. {did not get it}.

Now nearly forty years on - God's dream for me remains still a few steps beyond me. It's a reaching-for-it that seems to matter to God. There were times when doubts crashed over me and threatened to keep me submerged in the mighty waters of fear, regret and anxiety.

I have had many long months of crying over losses, wondering over what-ifs, angry, frustrated, and just plain frightened. Yet, God holds me still. I have seen my smaller dreams come true as He continues to deftly cut off, fold and shape my heart and my circumstances. I have been sustained and even felt celebrated as God's gifts and goodness continues to enter my life.

I have become a pastor out of obedience and found such deep joy it was like coming home. I am a stay-home-mom out of my convictions and have discovered possibly my favourite job in the world. I have faced my many pains as a woman and suprised myself that God's healing grace in me reaches out to other women. I have followed my husband and moved churches and gained such precious friends along the way. I have written books and now have a longing to fill my bog with biblical insights to teach and reach.

I am still reaching-for. My dream is nothing less than to know God, live His Kingdom out loud and build a movement that will shake up the world! It's way too crazy-big and beyond me and I have come to realize that it isn't up to me to see it comes to pass even though each day i need to work hard at what comes and prayerfully try to anticipate what's around the bend.

Most days, I find huge gaping holes in my motive, action and mood! But Grace has constantly held me together and I have learnt there is a bubbling little brook of Joy that refreshes me though the days can get dreary, discouraging and even downright dark.

In a way, God-sized dreams are precisely that: God-sized!  I'm a really tiny person but the Spirit of God lives in me so I guess there's a way it shall all come together.