how to keep believing in rainbows when they disappear so fast..

I believe we all live under His eternal arc of Goodness {click to read about it}. But there are days when all I can muster is this: I want to believe.

After all, the amazing confluence of vapors and light quickly disappear and our pretty bow of colours is lost to us.

Last night, I was part of a large team that was praying for the sick. When we opened the doors, the church filled up quickly. I turned around and see a young girl, about eight, sitting strapped to a special wheelchair. The straps would keep her upright. She was fair, pretty, unsmiling. Her mother was holding her hand while her father sat behind to keep a watch that her skinny frame is not slipping out from those straps and she is leaning on the tiny pillow stuffed around the backrest to cushion her neck.

When the singing started, I noticed that I was struggling to join the rousing chorus of voices. I feel deeply and often find myself burdened by such gaping needs. The common cold to me is no life trial. But the sight of that little girl got to me. I don't ask 'why' the same way I used to - all angsty, self-righteous and impatient; but I am of the band that still hates to see such seeming senselessness.

Later, what I would hear from nearly every person who stepped up to me for prayer was more than my few words could carry.

a woman who has had five surgeries and is expecting another for her recurrent hernia problem

 my mother has dementia and now I am getting sick; her medical bills are too much for me.." 

the weary mom who prodded her epileptic son forward, "recently also he has eczema:..and afterwards, is telling us she has three maladies and her kidneys may be failing

It felt so inadequate, the few minutes of summarizing needs and pains into a few lines; and the prayer.

After the prayers, we sang our last song, God is Good, all the time.

What does it take to honestly sing God's goodness in the face of such crushing life difficulties? How do we remember that as long as it is day and the water cycle of life goes on; the rainbow is always there - because the water is always there - just that we only glimpse it sometimes.

Sometimes it is cruel to make God sound so close; not that He isn't, but we are not so easily in tuned with Him. And at times, He does seem to disappear behind the clouds and everything seems just.plain.dark.

But this precisely is the walk of f a i t h . This is the hard, true stuff of it. You and I, somehow, are drawn to this strange place where we notice rainbows and get pelted by rain, often within the same day.

This is the hard real stuff God promises His people if we refuse to split the Word into bits we like and bits we don't:

Then shall the maidens rejoice in the dance,
and the young men and the old shall be merry.

Sounds like a bright-below-a-rainbow picnic of wild abandon!

I will turn their mourning into joy,
I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.
I will fest the soul of the priests with abundance,
and my people shall be satisfied with my goodness, says the LORD ~ Jeremiah 31v13f

And I am up on my feet ready to twist to this news until my eyes glance down and I notice there is more:

a voice is heard in Ramah, lamentation and bitter weeping. Rachel is weeping for her children; she refuses to be comforted for her children, because they are not. ~ Jeremiah 31v15

This verse sits strangely among the many words of comfort and rainbow-promises.

I have gone back and read it, prayed, thought, and checked the commentaries. It's hard. Why such harrowing information right smack in the middle of the promises of return, vindication and joy?

We may not quite get it; this rainbow and thunder mix, this abundance and death deal all rolled in one.

But then I see it. Jeremiah is gaining traction here. The rainbow is glimpsed and for a closer look, one trudges and finds sometimes that a craggy large boulder is blocking our view; but the climb up that boulder, scraping hands and knees will reveal a vista  not yet seen.

Jeremiah is building up towards a crescendo: The New Covenant.

The terms of the New Covenant are ... new. If you were a Jew listening; it will sound strange, unfamiliar, preposterous. The exile was hard to stomach; the return is hard to conceive; the New Covenant is plain impossible.

A new king whose kingdom will not end.

W-O-W.

But listen. This verse of wailing mothers is later used by Matthew. It happened.

There were inconsolable tears nearly two thousand years ago when baby boys where slaughtered by a nervous king. These tears, incomprehensible to us, were the context of God's great salvation plan to rescue us from all tears forever.

I wish it didn't have to happen this way. But it did. God came right into our messes. Jesus was subject to it until it killed him.

So if there's sound advice on how to stay right under the rainbow even when you cannot see it; it's what God told Jeremiah to do: buy land! (I don't mean invest in property folks). I mean lay down your stakes. Live deep. Dig right in. Embrace your now, your weakest and darkest. For God is working something out. 

This by the way is sheer madness. Jeremiah is asked to trust when everything appears contrary. His title deed is an act of defiance against how-things-appear. It is a statement that says, 'the game isn't over, the score hasn't been tallied, the results are not out yet'. This too is God's instruction to us: to live not by sight, but by faith.

In our days, this living by faith will be really tough sometimes. We will see stuff that blocks out the Son and makes the rainbow vaporize. To keep believing in rainbows when that happens, we must look at the definite work that demonstrates God's Goodness once for all: the Cross and the empty tomb. We don't deserve, wouldn't ask, couldn't conjure it - but there it is, historical fact and faith revelation. God is good to us and has sent us His Son, tore up His heart - that we may know while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


The rainbows appear to remind us they have always been there. 
They show up where there is light and where life continues.


13 

Can "what is it that you really want?" be the most important Q of all?

Maybe it's all because of my growing years. We were poor. No one asked me, "what would you like?". We took, sometimes, grabbed what was available. We didn't complain for my mother had an incredible gift of making life feel full even when our stomachs were not always.

But I have been wondering of late.

Even though I am prone to introspection and sometimes melancholy; I have learnt to trust the Spirit's leading. He has taught me to look back in order to look ahead.

Our future is more sabotaged by our past than we realise.

It is true. I rarely ever fought for anything I wanted. Indeed, I seldom want anything much. Some of it is the contentment I have learnt. But there is definitely a lack somewhere. I fight for justice. I fight for others too. But for myself I find I often let others decide.

This first came to light years ago in the university when my score for assertiveness was actually lower than most in the group. Nobody believed it. I was either honest or have misread all the questions.

But I realise it isn't just me.

I see it in many souls. This uncertainty. What am I about? What do I want? Where am I headed? Can I make it there?

So instead of praying and marking a trail and hacking away to stay on it; we meander.

So, what is it that you really want?

It's far easier to answer that when it is:
O, I want the red one over the green.
I want Starhub and not Mio
I want rice, not noodles
I want ....

But, what is it you really want in your life?
Joy?
Faith?
Loyalty?
Peace?

What is it that you really want your life to be about?
Truth?
Justice?
Love?

These kinds of questions seem boring, general, too idealistic.
But these are very things that we made Imago Dei is distinct from the rest of creation! We are creatures of ideals and ideas; and to let them go is to become less than who we were made to be.

So pause and ask yourelf:

What is it that you really want in your life?

Ok. Do you have it? Why not? What needs to change? Who can help you?

What is it that you really want your life to be about?

Are you on track? What distracts or discourages you? What can you do to stay on-track?

I grew up asking other kinds of Qs -
What did others want?
What does the God/Bible/church leaders want?
What do boys/men/gals/others want?

These were introductory lessons to asking the real Qs in life.

People often change their minds about what they want.
You cannot deliver what they want.
You realise that what you think God wanted isn't quite correct because you have confused God with some fear/experience/expectation.


I am not out to invent/re-invent myself.

No, I ask myself these Questions because I know I have a Teacher of Truth who will guide me and tutor me and safeguard me. When I find myself sinking under the daily needs and feeling the frustration level rise; I return to my answers and re-anchor myself in The Source.

Often I have had to apologise for messing up - to God, to my kids, to myself {ok, I am weak in the spouse department for this, my pride!}... But asking these questions has helped me clarify what is truly important, what I will sacrifice for, what I want my life to shine forth.

Why don't you try these questions? In fact, I would suggest you write them down someplace and look at them once in a while. You will be surprised what Truth will emerge and grab you.

Jenni really wants:

 a deep sense of Love in her life that flows out from her; 

her epitaph is going to read: 

Lover of God and others.

Life like an MRT line

You have felt it  ---bodies too closed, all packed in the train...faces buried in smartphones, hearts fighting a thousand shadows. So much a picture of life: we nearly touch but we don't connect, we wish and long, but we fear push back. So we stand in our little spaces and try not to totter in the lurching movements, wary of others coming too close.

It isn't just the ride that reminds me of life. The MRT lines I found one day, did too. Just take these three:

NE (northeast) --  Not Enough line.
The moment we board the train of life, we begin a journey to grasp for more. It is never enough. We can do better, grow more, give more, be at more places, experience more....this relentless chugging for more. We live tired lives of pursuing the more.

We all ride this line.

EW (east west) -- Ever Worrying line.
I can sing 'I've got peace like a river' and do  all the fun actions, but the river of peace is often a long trek away from where I am. For you too? We need to escape life to find it. It's been called the vacation - we vacate and leave our hearts emptier of the burdens... Only to find they still sit snugly in our in-trays and sometimes even gets highlighted in our to-do lists when we return.

Many of us are here, especially us parents.

NS (northsouth) -- No Solution line.
There is that one person or situation you cannot fix. There is nothing you can do to change it. You are stuck in this carriage; the door it seems is jammed and the air is getting stuffy.

Some of us certainly feel we took the wrong train to end up here.



If we really took the wrong train and got on the wrong line, we would't hesitate to get off at the next station and hop on the right train. But these lines are different. They aren't so easy to get off; especially if you are tired and the lull of the engines have made you sleepy....


I have met many sleepy people. They will tell of their woes and go over their troubles but sadly, it takes too much to contemplate that they can actually get off these lines.

But listen, the Life Engineer announces above the lulling motion and noises:

" I am near. 

Do not fret or have any anxiety, about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, 

continue to make your wants known to me. 

And my pace shall be yours 

(that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from me and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort it is, that peace) 

which transcends all understanding shall 

garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

~ Philippians 4v5b-7

Last year, I jerked to a realisation that I had forgotten this teensy bit the Enginner speaks of here: by prayer and petition (definite requests)....make your wants known. 

We outgrow the basics to our peril. I began writing down specifics. And I saw specifics being answered. This means God is not good in some general sense; God is specifically, precisely, spot-on good. That's the power of being definite. It made me ask what it is I truly wanted; it made me come to know my own heart .... and realise how much God cared about how I turned out. Like a late-blooming teen finally getting it that his parent really does want the best for him (and in this case, the parent is perfect too).

One other thing too right smack here: thanksgiving.

There are always things to be thankful for. Seriously. Try it.

Thankful-living is deep art, a mysterious force that pries open our crusted, cynical hearts, so that we are able to look within, see what we truly want, and pray audacious. 

Don't attempt great prayers until you attend to grand thanksgiving!

The train is here. I'm headed Downtown. 

And souls, a lil' reminder:

Moms' day--"'over-rated' / disappointed - and why i will give you a look.

So Mother's Day is two days away (for countries including: United States, Italy, Australia, Belgium, Denmark, Finland, and Turkey). And yes there are poster, stickers, photos, words lyrical everywhere... and then, 

someone, somewhere is going to say the whole thing is over-rated, we made too big of a deal, we should be nice to our mothers everyday.

If you say that to me, I will give you  my finest "you are so wrong" look.  Because -

we need special days to make everyday special. It's just us.

The baboons don't need it. My cat is happy with her routines. The fish gurgle gladly to where they were first spawned. Not us. We were made for more; so we will reach for more. 

But we forget and we lower ourselves - each day we busy with our pedestrian appetites of buying, selling, getting ahead ... we forget. We forget what truly matters. We forget how good it is to be alive. We forget how much love we have received {and so can give} - even if, yes, much of it came through broken  containers and sometimes we suffer cuts as that love is poured clumsily, fitfully through our very human mothers.

Honour a special day for it cracks your heart that bit more and Life flows into spaces opened up. And our days - they flow one into another, don't they?

Another group I will reserve the "you are so wrong look"  for will be my fellow-moms who due to a day on the calendar that has gotten us looking forward to breakfast in bed, flowers, thank you notes... and as a fellow mom* admits, we expect it and huff when we don't get it. 

What we expect can become entitlement. 

"We deserve it distorts the  the sacrifice of motherhood and spins it in dizzying, disorienting circles.

Motherhood bends. Entitlement demands.
Motherhood serves. Entitlement stomps its foot.
Motherhood delights. Entitlement keeps lists.
Motherhood laughs. Entitlement whines.
Motherhood celebrates. Entitlement sulks.
Motherhood forgets itself in favor of remembering her dimple, his fastest mile, their mouths all ringed around with chocolate.

Entitlement tastes bitterness in every bite of a day that doesn't go as planned."


Let's pray for, and do something loving for our moms, for Love never fails.

Fellow moms, let's gladden our hearts in our high calling and perhaps inspire ourselves afresh as the whole world give recognition to our calling.


Here's a bit of inspiration and something to think about then -

A good mother is a role model for her immediate family and for everyone else she meets. Her joy makes those around her happy. And every woman is called to be a mother, whether married or single, and whether or not she has had children. People notice a woman who loves God and whose primary concern is serving others.

I cannot thank God enough for the love of my own mother, and for her deep relationship with my father. Even though they could never be called "religious" people, it was obvious to us seven children that our parents loved God, each other, and each one of us. And while it was clear that our father was head of the family, he never tolerated the slightest disrespect from us towards our mother.

Many women today resent the idea of motherhood, but they forget that it is a privilege as well as a task. Once regarded as the highest calling of woman, it is now pushed aside by "real" careers and viewed as an inconvenience or even an embarrassment. While this rebellion might be understandable in the case of oppression and abuse, it achieves nothing. How different family life could be if we admitted our confusion over the roles of man and woman; if we sought to rediscover God's plan for both, and regarded one another with respect and love!

Women today hold important jobs right up to the time they go into labor, and that is admirable. But when pregnancy and children require it, a woman's first priority should always be motherhood. She should be a mother first and foremost – and only after that, a doctor, teacher, lawyer, manager, or accountant. Far from regretting or resenting it, she ought to feel that motherhood is a gift, and that in God's eyes, there is no sacrifice more worthy than one made for a child.

Finally, watch this:

Moms, these things you are. Be great-ful!

Credit: Inspiration from Johann Christoph Arnold & mom sharing taken off http://lisajobaker.com/

a River runs through it all

Recently I posted on Facebook:

fb: what are you thinking about
me: a lot.

I am guessing that describes you as well. Goodness knows we have so many things to consider, re-think, analyse, remember and decide about. It's like a busy six-lane highway chugged to the hilt with cars, many honking to demand immediate attention!

This past week, after dreaming, praying and writing about Life; what is more pressing and present seems just the stuff of life {small 'l'}:
- a decision that cannot be made but must in due time, so the engine is humming away
- the days of exams that are upon us
- the endless glancing at my calendar because appointments/needs/requests pop up, like my father-in-law coming down with vertigo and all that means
- my sister is going for a surgery where they will make a hole at the side of her skull in order to reach some blood vessels/nerves that need to be set right. (the condition is known as Hemifacial Spasm).
- some unchanging situations that simply drain you and so tend to take up one whole lane of your consciousness...

But then, I come across a different image. You have to see it:

a river runs through it all {click}

The story of Ishurdi is not all pretty. But, our stories are not unlike theirs. Our everyday lives are seldom instagram-chic quality and facebook fuddy-duddy.

Ishurdi means 'where God stays'.

It is small villages dotted along this mighty River in Bangladesh. This River that runs with a powerful force that shapes and cuts and defines. The River of Life.

We come to the River to camp and get. But the River of Life can sweep us up in its torrents and it is we who must learn to carve our lives around its winding ways or end up cut off.

Such a River frightens us so we prefer a faucet we can turn on and off at our whim. The way we do with God.

You would think that the folks who lived along the river in Ishurdi wish for a different life. Listen to these moving words from the interview:

we are happy.
we are grateful.
God has blessed us with so much.
we love to live by this river.

Us urbans probably feel like they are not wiser to other options. Perhaps so. But with all our multi-options, all we have is more cars piled high on more lanes of a busy highway!

I see the pictures of this river and all of its beauty and mourning and my soul calms down. The highway recedes and I enter into a different place. The river, God, speaks to me.

And I am drawn to the fierce river and the risks of living close to it and choose it once again over being on a highway I am pretending to be cruising along merrily on.

Life is a powerful river that moves. Move with it; and when it dislodges some things, let them go.

all pictures taken off site. Credits: Sarker Protick (Nat Geo).

His Cross... and mine - because Resurrection is coming! {Journey #12}

lively lilies in polluted China

This is the story of Resurrection.


It began with a mis-step. An I-did-not-see-that curb moment. You may have experienced it before? That one moment you were striding confident and the next you come crashing down? My hands were on the floor, my right ankle twisted and I felt a sharp pointed pain in my left big toe. I did not know where to clutch and soothe!

That was nearly three months ago. With care and exercise, my ankle healed. But my left big toe nail region had turned all black, a sign of death. But, I thought, since my toe looked and felt like it was still very much alive, new nail will no doubt grow and it will all be well in time.

Life will push its way forward. But it can get really painful.

I decided to trim my dead black nail. Then I decided to poke around the blackened clog. Big Mistake. The very next day, I started experiencing some serious pain. I had unwttingly introduced an infection.


We began this journey because we were thirsty. We met with Jesus and heard him invite, comfort, assure, steady us. But then we enter deeper into His life as we walk with Him. This week, we see a Cross
looming ahead. He is walking towards it! We nervously follow...

It is his cross. For our sake. But if we dare to admit it, the cross is ours, rightfully. 
In fact, Jesus did not go to His cross so that we won't have to go to ours. He went so that we can. 

We must face our crosses --

Our traumas that left us hurt and seem to take forever to heal.
Our busy niggling that may have turned up more pain.
Our limping and hobbling rather than a full, steady, confident stride.

We are quick to look all around us and point to our horrid experiences (those mis-steps, mistakes), those persons and their expectations/weaknesses/sins, the harsh words...
The soil of our soul is rich food for the enemy to sow an infection. When he does, it will be painful.

It is painful to rehearse our hurts
It is painful to plan a payback
It is painful to doubt God
It is painful to feel alone, lost, unsure, to regret

(and Grace and slow to a trickle)

A course of antibiotics for the toe.
A course of antibiotics for our soul: going up for prayer, sharing with a friend, ranting in your journal...

May not do.

That dead toe nail had more in store. In death, it began to deform. It curled. So as the new nail grows, the curled old nail began to burrow into my flesh. Fresh pain. I decided it is time to get down and deal with it. The doctor had warned that removing the nail would expose the toe and remove the protective covering which is the nail's job. But the nail was malfunctioning. It was not protecting, it was hurting. It must go.

I was nervous. The doctor had said it can take weeks to heal. After two anaesthetic jabs, the doctor yanked and said, 'O, its not so bad, It's coming off like a door. Just this bit like a hinge.' Then, 'Ok, when i remove the rubber band, it will bleed some....O, it's not bleeding very much at all. I think it has healed quite a bit.'

So healing grace has been at work but it's all blocked from view because of the dead black nail!
Is God's work being blocked from your view? Are you unable to trace what the Spirit is up to? Are you unsure of Jesus' presence in your life? Are you looking for Life?

My son had asked, "why call it Good Friday? It's not good! Jesus died. [frowns]"
me: it's good.... for us.

The dying is good for us.
Because the Life is always throbbing and pushing forth. 

"I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, 

but Christ lives in me; 

and the life which I now live in the flesh 

I live by faith in the Son of God, 

who loved me and gave himself up for me." 

~ Galatians 2v20 (NASB)

Dear soul, Good Friday is a day of death and death is no longer what we fear for we know the story. It is the prelude to Life. If God is bringing forth Life, renewing hope, reviving dreams, restoring faith; then you must let that which stands in the way go. You must recognise the death to receive the Life. You must trust the Life you can barely see more than the death that appears so obvious {live by faith in the Son of God...}

Yes, you worked really hard - yet
Yes, you tried so long  - yet
Yes, you cried and prayed and pounded on the doors of heaven  - yet

It is time to accept that you live in a fallen world where you will be let down, as surely as you let others down.
It is time to accept that your best shots may not rip asunder the heavy curtain hanging between you.
It is time to accept that you just may not be able, ever to, figure this one out.
It is time to see that our worst enemies are not out there; but within: pride, lust, greed, envy, unforgiveness.

It is time to die. It is time to Live.

Friends, get ready, for Resurrection is coming!

Take a moment and let this Michael Talbot song wash over you. Sing the refrain with your lips, then your heart, then your whole being.

Peace dear friend.

Meeting the Cross on the way {journey to the Well} #11

Good Friday is coming.

The Cross is looming large in my heart. Its shadows fall long and it seems I am in a perpetual Arctic winter where the days are always dark. Yet it is a good, even glorious darkness. This kind of darkness is meant for us to stop trying to 'make hay while the sun shines'; to stop our busy efforts at making life work. It is the dark of being shielded so a secret work can take place.

Often God does his work very quietly and if we do not come under the shadow of the Almighty, we will miss it. The lights, sounds, dazzles and demands of daily city life often distract and detract us from God's most precious work.

Can I urge you dear friend to come and stand under the shadow of the Cross too?

And would you share with us what begins to stir in your heart as you do?

As I stand under the shadow of the Cross, my mind remembers how Love decided to act. But more, my heart wrestles with whether my love is large enough to act like His Love did. I know full well the areas I want Life to fill and brim over; those areas I am pretty sick of being so pale and lacklustre; missing the Life and abundance.

What was it dear Jesus, that makes you go to that wicked Cross? Why did you face and fight death?

Then the Spirit whispers this ~

"...for the joy set before him, Jesus endured the cross, despising the shame.." ~ Hebrews 12v2

You know why we struggle so to let go, to give in, to give up, to be wrong, to forgive ... ? 

We have no clue the joy that can come. We are stuck with the nails and hammer. Our eyes are fixed on the pain. Our minds are rehearsing our regrets. Our hearts are clinging on to small delights. 

Jesus was confident of his joy. 

This enabled him to endure the cross. 

This enabled him to look at his ignoble, humiliating, undignified death and loss as something to despise. 

Jesus knew the enemy would do his worst; throw the whole shebang; but he wasn't going to let the horror, the agony, the loss of face.. - the shame - wrap him up into subservience.  He despised it all. They were not worth his focus.

If Jesus felt grief and loss on the Cross; it was clear it happened at three points: the ignorance of the evildoers, the turning away of God, the inability to continue to care for his mother. 

But the Cross and its shame? He despised it.

It was as if Jesus was having this conversation with shame:

"Listen to me, Shame, do you fee that joy in front of me? Compared to that, you are less than nothing. you not not worth comparing to that! I despise you. You think you have power. Compared to the joy before me, you have none. Joy. Joy. Joy. That is my power! Not you, Shame. You are worthless. You are powerless.

You think you can distract me? I won't even look at you. I have a joy set before me. Why would I look at you? You are ugly and despicable, and you are almost finished. You cover me now as with a shroud. Before you can say, 'So there!', I will throw you off like a filthy rag. I will put on my royal robe.

You think you are great, because even last night you made my disciples run away. You are a fool, Shame. You are a despicable fool. That abandonment, that loneliness, this Cross - these tools of yours - they are all my sacred suffering, and will save my disciples, not destroy them. You are are fool. Your filthy hands fulfil holy prophecy. Farewell, Shame, It is finished."

{with thanks to Ps John Piper}.

Death must -come- before Resurrection, and we take the death because we so want the Resurrection unto new Life. Because we are confident of New Life promised to us. Things are not what they seem yet; but they will not remain the same if we are willing to die, to despise the shame that may come with it ... so that Life breaks in.

How high have you set your sights for your life? Is it for Life, or is it just to live?

{Running} with horses

The Chinese calendar uses a twelve year cycle, each marked by an animal. Those born in the year are then described as having certain traits similar to the animal. When a new year rolls around, apt proverbs and jokes are tossed about. 2014 is the year of the horse and I learnt a new favourite proverb:马到成功 (success is imminent once the horse arrives). You see, I was born in the year of the horse - and ain't it grand that my arrival at any scene would herald impending success!

But i got to thinking about all the horse-related experiences in my life, and to a passage of Scripture that really helped me.

horse experience 1
My first flight and my first mission trip. We flew into Thailand headed for the mountain tribes. Most of us had not trained for those mountains. There were supposed to be horses at the foot to help us carry stuff. But we were late, too late. So we had to trudge nearly five hours up the mountains with our puppets, guitar, bags and tired bodies as a gentle rain fell all about us. We slipped in the mud, we gave up many times even as the guide egged us on with her limited Chinese, saying repeatedly, "another few minutes". We city dwellers had no idea. But how I longed for those horses! We never saw them. We came back down bumping all the way on the back of a truck which at one point got stuck in a muddy ridge and we all had to get off and shove.


horse experience 2
The university had offered me a place to do Honours in Political Science & English Language. I was on board an international book ship when that information came out so I returned to school a month late. It was unnerving and I found my source of strength in this passage which I would type into my thesis introduction:

"If you have run with footmen and they have tired you out,
then how can you compete with horses?
If you fall down in a land of peace,
how will you do in the thicket of the Jordan? ~ jeremiah 12v5

I am not sure if my thesis supervisor picked up that I have referred to him as a footman; but my youthful zeal knew little bounds back then - upwards and onwards I was going to go!

horse experience 3
This time, i finally rode one; and nearly died! With two friends in New Zealand, we found our way to a hill where there was horse riding. The young Kiwi gal who ran the place sized us up and led us off to our horses. After a few brief introductory remarks, we found ourselves atop a horse each. Mine was a black stallion with a large bulgy stomach. Its name was Inky. We set off slowly and winded around the trail. Inky however had other ideas. It could undoubtedly pick up that I was a wimp (horse language for she doesn't know how to ride) and repeatedly veered off the trail to satisfy its love for far-out grasses growing at the edges. I was talking, coaxing, reining in...to little avail. After a nerve-wrecking hour, I dismounted and fell to the ground, my legs all gone soft and my groin in pain from straddling that fat tummy.

horse experience 4
My love for this majestic creature wouldn't wane it seems. How many silly Inkys can there be anyway? This time, I am on a trip with my brand new husband. We decide to go ride horses. No more mountains though, this was a coastal beach situation. Yes, firmly on the ground hooves. The sand, the wind, and even the gentle gallop was great - until - the horse got in the mood for some horse-trot. My feet came off the sitrrups and I let go and fell onto the soft sand. A few moments later, the other horses came around since mine overtook them sans rider. I felt just fine.
Later, i developed a nausea and we went to the doctor where we found I was pregnant. I suppose my baby and I fell off a horse.

horse experience 5
This time, I confront the horse I referred to years earlier. The nameless horse in Jeremiah that represents the trepidation and trials of a life of faith. With Pastor Eugene Peterson's help, I dig even deeper for a full, abundant life of faith-full responding to God.

"If you have run with footmen and they have tired you out,
then how can you compete with horses?
If you fall down in a land of peace,
how will you do in the thicket of the Jordan? ~ Jeremiah 12v5

These words came as a rebuke to a prophet who felt all ready to give up. I wasn't at that point when I read Run with the Horses, but it came soon enough -- and God had prepared my soul for the onslaught by drawing me to long for what is deeper and more solid.

Latest horse experience {12 years later}
I had to go say it, "it's the year of the horse, let's do something with horses!". The now older hubs thought it a brilliant stroke and so we all went to The Riders Loft and pulled on some boots and helmets. My horse was a good fourteen hands tall. I cannot look over it at all. When I mounted Galvin, I wanted to get off even quicker. But my daughter and son were next in line to mount theirs so I breathed deep and psyched myself that my fear of heights cannot possibly apply to this. "Mind over matter - what you don't mind, won't matter"; I silenced my fears.We rode around the sand pit a few times each and the trainer applauded us all when we were done.

Associated by birth
Missed by timing
Challenged by its powers
Threatened by its will
Strengthened by its metaphor
Safeguarded from its whim

Nay, my horse encounters are not over yet.

When It's All Too Much & You Nearly Give Up

Psalm 32 begins with a powerful definition: the one who is Blessed is the one who has been made right with God. 

When we are mired in our sins and other's sins, when we are overwhelmed, tired, near-depression... we need to recollect that our most important need has been met. As the Westminster catechism* puts it, our only hope in life and death is that we already have hope because we believe in Jesus Christ and have received his gift of forgiveness and reconciliation. Everything else is add-on; and nothing can take this away if we refuse to let it go.

Out of this place of a living relationship with God restored we negotiate & navigate life - and never ever all by ourselves even if it feels so.

God's active presence in our lives is easy to overlook and can be difficult to spot because our reflex to pain and threat is self-preservation; to use our own understanding and means to protect, shield, and vindicate ourselves.

This self-reflex is named for what it is: sin.
It's been said the word sin has 'I' in the middle of it. The indications are not hard to see:

self-pity ~ I'm so poor thing

blame ~ he/she is hurting, stifling, unfair, insensitive (and it's probably true: of them, but just as true of you and me!)

comparison ~ after more than twenty-five years my pay is less than a fresh grad (this is mine)

envy ~ he's so patient with her, what co-operative children...

pride ~ you don't have any idea

When we are willing to see that wrapped in our very real pain is this persistent thread of self; we can cry out for help and be ready to receive it. this is when our hearts and eyes open to see:

God has not let the waters swept us off

There are songs, hints, intimations of deliverance

God is guiding us with his eye constantly on us!
{this one comes with a vivid picture that has 2 applications:
Firstly, don't be like an animal that must be guided by constraints. We are children of God that are guided by an intimate walk with God; making choices out of our love for our Father, wanting to please and honour Him. But at times we simply don't. When that happens, then don't be like a wild horse that runs from what is needed for guidance. When a horse subjects itself to a loving master, it will be fed, cleaned, cherished and learn to use all its prowess to demonstrate what it's truly capable of. God may have to use a bit and bridle - limits; but when we relax to trust, these limits lead us to focus, to feast, to flourish. As we grow in trust, we walk in freedom more and more as children of God, confident that our motives guide our choices aright}

freedigitalphotos.net

We are enfolded in faithful love

So lift your heart to God today my friend, like, right now.

*the Westminster catechism is a Reformed church document developed using a series of Qs to help new believers become grounded in basic and definitive faith doctrines so that they are guided in their life. Click here for one site on it

TREKKING THROUGH THE PSALMS

I'm two weeks late. 

I first sensed it when I looked over my Bible reading guide and it said Psalms. I've read and meditated and milked the Psalms for so much marrow, milk and molassy-sweetness over the years, so I turned my attention to preparing for Advent: the forty days leading up to Christmas. But God was waiting.

For in my journal one day, i was so heavy-hearted i wrote of BUGs: burdens, grief, uncertainties.

This year is filled with BUGs for me. Life goes on, I move on; but my Spirit-awakened heart refuses to just keep going. It broke and the tears came. And I hear the whisper, 'go to the Psalms'. 

The Psalms contain some of the oldest writings in the world: songs of worship. 

Worship is what we give worth and honour to.

The Psalms: personal, corporate; lament & praise; draws us to the truth of the human condition and wraps it in the One who alone can lift us beyond our limited, repeated sorrows.

I continue with my New Jerusalem Bible. {it is highly recommended that you read a different version especially when you feel the Bible getting too familiar & our ugly human pride gets in the way of truly listening as we read}

Psalm 1

v3 ~ every project succeeds
Really? I know how often i feel i failed. Quite a lot recently in fact.
But the One says to me "it's a success! Have you forgotten what I taught you success means? It's about the following, the working from your love, about leaning into the Wind at times and even sitting in the prison; where no one and nothing seems to go your way. Simply because you are Mine, and anyone who seeks to do my will cannot fail for I do not fail."

v5~ YHWH watches over the path of the upright
"It is hard to see the way you are going and I know the pain you feel with every step. But I see it; I am watching over it.  I, even I."

Selah {pause}

v2~ murmurs his law day and night.
this brought a chuckle to me. i think of those religious types who are taught to repeat words that secure salvation. And indeed, I am saved only when I repeat those truth-words: the 'great and precious promises' {2 Peter 1v4} that alone can keep my head turned right and my heart beating tender. The extrovert, take-it-all in part of me often subvert this as i get attracted and distracted.. like someone shared, 'I close my Bible and I forget what i just read'. Reading can be like that. But meeting with Someone usually lingers on.

Psalm 2

v12~ how blessed are all who take refuge in him
there is a little cross-reference to Proverbs 16 and it says, '...listens to YHWH and finds happiness'. {at this moment, the cat looks straight at me as if to say, 'well don't you already know that?'.

This verse comes at the end of an entire Psalm that contrasts the spurious plans of men with the solid Plan of God. We are planners we. Each day, Babel rises and we fight to justify our plans, our ways, our ideas, our dreams. And God says to the nations, to us, "come to your senses, learn your lesson!".

Where are we losing sensibility? In our pine, whine, dine culture, are we become senseless consumers - callous about deeper matters, careless about our attitudes, casual toward God?

What lesson does God want me, you, to learn?
i am a breakaway, runaway, flyaway... are you? My little plans for the days and the long years are little tributaries of God's grand rivers but sometimes I rush the rapids and lose sight of the River.
Perhaps for your, the little brook is drying up? Then, put on hiking boots and beat a trail to the River! Delay not!

Psalm 3

O i love how graphic this gets! The bad guys are so gonna get it. Slap them! Those thousand foes arraigned against me. Reduce them to  nothing.
Shield me.
You-are-the-One who holds my head up. I will not bow, demure, give in, give up.

I  will  look  up --- at You. to You.

Truth Lies in Both Extremes...

We stood beside each other, lightly grasping the hand rail and placed one leg each on the cement embankment that ran along the corridor of the sociology department. I turned to my professor and said to him, “truth lies in both extremes”.  He thought for a while, smiled, turned to face me and said, “I can see that…”. I stumbled to think of all those examples that had surprised me on my long bus rides when thoughts visit from who knows where.

My professor did not seem totally convinced, and my mind had gone blank. The august moment to impress my professor thus snatched from so congenial a setting; we ended our conversation on a few banal notes about student life.

But like the waves that lap at the shores, I continue to have those moments where it seems a hand passes over and suddenly one of those ‘truth lies in both extremes’ haunches lies before my mind’s eye again; and what I was preoccupied with fades for the moment. Many such moments have solidified a bedrock conviction within me: it’s not just black or white and it’s not about shades of gray. It’s a whole different colour when it comes to truth!  Black, white and gray are the ways we see it.

Paradox sounds a big, bully of a word. But perhaps if I say: #1 people change, people don’t change
#2 the world is better today, the world is worse off today
#3 Salvation is both God and us – He is the one that saves, we are the one that responds
#4 we love and hate the same people

 You would agree these statements hold truth. 

I was talking to an intelligent young man, an engineering PhD student who was struggling as his mind would heap arguments on one end of the see-saw and then counter those arguments with another set promptly seated on the opposite end. He was stuck in his logical arraignment. So I suggested the paradox – and that the answer he needed was to have courage to embrace both ends of the see-saw and recognize that living is risk-taking.

Yes, it would be very neat to have things one way or another. But that’s simply not reflective of reality. Truth calls us to us and Wisdom sings her song but we don’t hear. We would rather have it flat-lined, neatly pigeon-holed and yes, fixed. -- That’s okay with things.
 But once people get into the mix, is it enough to just fix things? 

Can the human heart be fixed? 

Can love be wrapped in a gift box? Can sorrow be explained? 

Can trouble not bring good? 

Can fortune not bring foreboding?

# The Cross was utter defeat and ultimate victory.

 And if you want to live, and in particular, to live as a Christian; 

then you are a person of this Cross.

Contradiction = statement containing elements that are logically disagree

Paradox = statement that at first seems contradictory but upon investigation prove true

So in fact, then, to live life is to come to terms with, accept and learn how to be skillful in paradoxical tensions. It has been said that maturity is about being able to accept tensions.

Children begin with black and white. It’s a needful first start. But we will be naïve and childish to stay there. The colour of maturity comes as we discover the amazing palette of life; in particular our own lives and how the colours come together. We must then shed our bi-chrome existence for what is deeper and truer.

# rest in labour, labour in recreation –

where we learn to work meaningfully trusting in the value of the work in itself and where we allow our recreation to be a genuine life-renewing process which requires work at examination, reflection, gathering memories and noting markers..

-which is a gift and possibility for the Christian who trusts in a God who designed us to labour and rest to a Spirit-led and enabled rhythm.

Will we one day transcend the way of paradox? If paradox is a result of the interleaving of dark and light; then I hope that when the curtain is finally fully parted; we would be past this tension. But then, what would be of all this life-training to think and live set us up for? I just fell prey to easy answers again!

Paradox calls us to slow, wait, listen, consider. We must resist quick answers, we need to contemplate, to trust. In the end, I don’t know if the way of paradox will persist; but how we have been touched and changed by it surely will.

The GIFTS of faith, hope and love

We walk with God the way we always do life: in our strength. We count on our ability to study Scripture, to serve, to drum up 'faith', to 'love'..to 'hope' against the odds..
and we grow weary.


Life was never designed like that.


To really live - and yes, it only happens when we first stop this ingrained habit of self-actualisation (remember the sinner's prayer which is really a prayer of relinquishment?) - we catch a glimpse of that..and O! the peace, the joy and newness..and then, sameness creeps back in.
It isn't that we are in the wrong church crowd. It isn't that our Bible knowledge is too weak. It isn't that others are making it way too difficult for us to love them. [though all this is true of course]


It is that we have lapsed -
back to trusting ourselves to live our lives well, right, good, pure
and it just cannot be done.


Faith, hope and love - are gifts.
We receive them as we slow ourselves enough to.


I think this is what I will say to my neighbour, who is not a Christ follower, but otherwise many ways like me (we like a lot of the same stuff, rant about the system...haha):
we struggle alike in many things: marriage, children, meaning..but there is just this one difference between us. At a time in my life, I met Jesus and he is in my life now. Indeed He is my life now. i am still discovering what that means..but i have seen now that because he is the foundation, the steady, my struggles give rise to
faith - i believe they are purposeful and useful, even though painful
hope - i have seen things change, get better, been startled even!
love - i keep being loved to love better...


All gifts and Jesus opened the way, qualified me to get them.


And all these are invitations for me to live totally different: 
as a recipient and not as a rebel or engineer or critic
as rested not wrestling, weary, wounded (and licking my wounds and comparing them with others')
as resurrected not dying, dead or deadened.

to India - finally!

after many years of wondering, i finally visited India last week. i have read about her, prayed for her, seen pictures, known people...but still, it was just too much to take in - and that when I was only there for three days and basically shuttled between hotel and conference centre.
the ride from the airport to the hotel took nearly two hours - it was 30km - a glimpse of the amount of human and automotive traffic that crowds the roads and streets.
the session i spoke at went uncomfortably. somehow i was not my usual extroverted self. i almost felt like apologising even though i had absolutely no doubt about the content of what i was sharing. i wanted to apologise for my abundance in contrast to what they had and will have for a long time to come. i was incensed to read about the factions and violence, and to see the pain of poverty in so many faces - drained of life and creative possibilities. in a land with only 50% literacy, i told my daughter, it is well nigh possible that the poorest are constantly misled and abused as they would not know better. i cried.
i am crying even now.

the airport we arrived in was new and it was small and simpler version of the early days of Singapore's Changi. the roads leading out were nice two-laned paved roads. i cannot help but wonder how much politilca will it needs to extend this same technology, funds and effort as those same roads radiate into a city that had no lane markings, very few street signs and a general lack of planning it appears. the city i was in was mild with small slums clustered right along the main roads. how can anyone with any power fail to do something to house, educate, feed, grow these lives? it completely baffles me.

i sat next to two Telegu women as i flew in and out of India. the both of them are married - arranged - and something struck me about them. they made no plans for their lives. it was something that happened to them: from where they live, to when they board the plane, to what's next.
Not us slick city ladies huh? we are so despearte to own and rule our lives.

i am going back to India - perhaps doors will open to essential change. i am going back - to open the doors of my own heart, to learn to let Life wash over me and lead me a little more.

the loving and gay thing to do?

i sent this into our national paper, The Straits Times after one correspondent wrote about how his lesbain friends were to him 'model citizens' and suggested that if singapore wants to be a global city, she must be more tolerant and accept gays.

Subject: the loving thing to do

I am married and have kids; a girl and a boy. Both marriage and raising children are hard work.

The funny thing is Devan’s friends seem to have it all. What a sweet picture he has painted of his lesbian friends. Interestingly, they are high achievers with, I would suspect, quite a bit of money on their side. Artificial insemination is no polyclinic deal. I am not sure what bases Devan uses to hold up his friends (they sure sound impressive) as model citizens either. If having a partner, a job and kids; paying taxes, and being religious is it; Singapore is full of model citizens really.

While the verdict is not yet out on the genetic basis for homosexual tendencies; there is ample evidence that gender differences have genetic foundations that began in utero. I have a daughter and a son. My method of child-raising is not gender based; but voila, they are simply different. Just watch my girl pat the cat and my son (er..) pat the cat!

The argument for love is always so winsome. In our world so torn by conflict, violence and violation; we all long for love. Unfortunately, love is interpreted as being tolerant. The question is who gets to determine what is considered tolerant? Will we be more liberal if we tolerated incest, under-age marriages, cohabitation, blended families and so on? Tolerance is a poor substitute for love and peace. True love and peace is not no-holds-barred. No parent in the right mind can raise children, no society can run and persist, no great ideas can blossom – if all we have is free rein.

Yes there is much that is wrong in our world. But the loving thing to do is to embrace the broken-ness and work for the healing. I believe that the broken-ness of our world has its origins within each one of us. Perhaps if we can embrace ourselves – not just as egos; but as belonging to something larger; that in our interdependent world, our choices impact others, we can think deeper and harder about life and our choices. Perhaps if we can embrace ourselves – and see that from alcoholism, to violence to sexual tendencies – we are all spots on a huge continuum – and yet each one of us has much to offer the world. Perhaps if we can embrace ourselves – and see our lives as gifts to each other; and not get fixated in the game of tit-for-tat; limiting ourselves to only a certain vision of life….perhaps…