Birthday (B)log!

 A strenuous dream stirred me awake..in the wee hours of 31st December. Thankfully, I was tired enough to fall back asleep. I next opened my eyes to a brightened room and my mind began to fill fast with thoughts of things undone, tasks to do, and ideas loving to consider. But soon, a sense of weariness crept in. ‘Happy birth-day’ should be about my being, not my do-ing!

Forty-six years ago, Love ushered me into this world...why?

For years it has been my habit to spend some part of my birthday looking back to trace Grace-prints, mark the pits and my folly that helped me stumble into them...and then to listen for the Wind's blowing for the new year.

I was sick last year after a busy Christmas season, and trundled clumsily into January...feeling totally awful and unprepared for 2012. But I felt a relief ...a reminding; that even my good habits must not overtake God and His Grace. I sensed the Wind late; it wasn't until January 14th that my new journal was ready. Epiphany.

After settling the kids’ breakfast, I sat to write in my journal. A plain recording of the moments up to that point...I had no appetite for breakfast, ideas or plans..so I wrote the last line: "today I shall drift". I  texted a few girlfriends. One of them replied, " sounds like a good 'plan'!".

Well, even drifting was challenging since I had to co-ordinate with hubby about kids...some one as always lays a way. How does one negotiate drifting?

The time came for me to hop on the train into town. Two of my older sisters are meeting me for tea. We went to a small shop filled with ornamental angels, chests, and posters, and clusters of chairs around tables. We sit in a corner and begin to examine the menu. I love trying stuff, but we settle for two pre-designed tea sets of bruschetta, cakes and scones.

 Being intentional and pastoral, I often ponder about our conversations. But today my mind gets to rest- I am drifting! The conversation was true and fast...hearts were bared through long diatribes about stubborn daughters and 'individuating' sons. Life is. Sisters are special- we can keep up the talking since most of the drama of our lives revolve around people we all know. My sisters agree at the end it maybe a good idea to invite my nieces and nephew to a new series on Love. The sister with the persistent cough may go off chicken on my suggestion...stuff of life.

The kids were excited dad got the Two Towers (I keep calling the them the Twin Towers) DVD. I slipped out to share some cake with a neighbor then came back to finish the movie and settle them for bed - a whole  hour later than I had instructed! My plan to be at a Watchnight service weakened. I showered and put on my flannel pjs, the rain has been falling lightly most of the night so it is now very cool for the tropics....

And I hope to drift off to sleep soon....

Every day is in itself un-repeatable; filled with details oft unplanned and perhaps even unwanted. Life has always been about this paradoxical tension of and/or: you plan, you also cannot plan. But on my birthday, planning was really low – which is a rest when you live in a busy city filled with expectations, longings and fears.

You know...Almost, Nearly, Always!

With the New Year coming, I’d like to introduce you to three familiar friends. This is because they have a knack for taking the ‘new’out of any year. Meet them and find out for yourelf! They will tell you about themselves:

My name is Almost. I have two buddies, Nearly and Always. We are pretty different; but as with all friends, we found a way to hang out, laugh, and not take each other too seriously. In fact, I think we look pretty good as a lot: Almost Nearly Always. I told you.

Well, those two can wait. First, let me tell you about myself.

I have great ideas-

-Better distribution of resources to end world poverty

-Roundtable talks to negotiate water resources so that nobody dies of thirst

-Cross-fertilisation of think tanks to deal with those intractable issues like democratizing nations, Aids, and mother-in-laws. Yes, I am also funny.

Ah…and in case you think I live in the higher realms, I also cover more pedestrian concerns like

-Losing weight

-Proper exercise

-Wardrobe makeovers

-Tidying my room (really)

And I come really close to actually doing something about these stuff I think about and talk about. In fact, my sterling quality is precisely this: everyone holds me in pretty high regard because I am so close to what everyone is trying to deal with. My admirers range from the neighbourhood coffeshop assistant to that smart professor of Philosophy who sometimes I see running in the park! I don’t exchange mere pleasantries when I meet folks: we talk for quite a bit. I always nod knowingly and with the sincerest empathy for whatever whoever is going through; and I am proud to say some of me rubs off on them afterward.

O, here comes Nearly.

This is a real chum. In fact, when I am with him, we seem to have a doubly effective effect! Just a few weeks ago, we spoke with young and old and everyone single one of them benefitted from the clarifying chat. I still remember some of what we talked about:

Bringing a gift for a friend’s birthday

Calling up her mother (she has not spoken to her in years)

Trying out a new way of talking to the kids

Changing job

Buying a new brand of (o dear I forgot what this one was about… My name is Almost remember?)

It is amazing how relieved people feel when they just know that these things at least crossed their minds.

Always is strongest of the three of us. She has this knack of sneaking up on conversations – whether the person is talking to himself or to others – and simply stabilizing everything. No change, no shift, no move. Nada. That is power I say. Just keeps everything the way it is! Just consider how she slips in and maintains the status quo:

I am always so slow/worried/blur (works with any adjective – amazing right?)

He’s always so selfish

It always rains when we have plans

See? She’s amazing!

Well, the Mayans were wrong. Or should we say right: after all, from the looks of things, we are almost, nearly about to end in a big bang (the way we began presumably)! Always.

a truly merry Christmas

There's lots of help going around this busy season: where to eat, what to buy, where to get the best and cheapest!

Here's something on how to have a truly merry Christmas - from moi!

First, it's important to be merry. Perhaps you are not given to episodes of melancholy like I am, but I am sure life gets busy, difficult and tiring enough that being merry just seem so....naive!

Well, when the angels lit up the night sky with the out-of-this-world proclamation; they cried out "Peace on earth! GoodWill to men!" These words have always intrigued me. We simply see and feel and share too little of this. The angels are telling us something deep, permanent and essential has changed! God Himself is not to immersed in human history that all of humankind cannot help but be able to taste peace and share goodwill. If we ponder this long enough... we cannot help but chuckle in surprise, do a little gig and scream 'Merry Christmas!'. 

Here is Merry.


mer·ry  [mer-ee] 
adjective, mer·ri·er, mer·ri·est.
1.
full of cheerfulness or gaiety; joyous in disposition or spirit: a merry little man.
2.
laughingly happy; mirthful; festively joyous; hilarious: a merry time at the party.
3.
Archaic. causing happiness; pleasant; delightful

Now for getting truly merry.

#1 remember the point of it all
If God has come and the great Promise had been kept - that our world can be saved; do not fret about that party, present or person already!

#2 spread a little merry
think of someone, no matter how distant from your orbit (okay, pray God shows you someone) - and consider how this person experiences happiness and do something to bring a smile (or a tear).

#3 join the merry
you probably aren't glum as a person; but very few of us know how to really look up and live. look around for something that will really lift your spirit and be there! (thanking God you can)

Have a really Merry Christmas friends!

Post-vacation thoughts... Rest is what we need!

It happened.
The way thoughts and concerns about work: back-log, people to call, the ever growing do-list, the bits you suddenly realise you forgot...creep into the last few days of vacation. I was already carrying a sermon burden, but some moments, my entire calendar and to-do list appeared in my mind like a drop-down menu !
I sighed.

It happened.
I came home and it was meeting the next day which led to another meeting..several emails requiring attention and that to-do list which now looks oddly inadequate. With my lapses in memory, i scramble to recall if i had already planned for that meeting and this appointment... My soul beat a quick retreat and I longed for a whole new world!

Did you ever want a permanent get-away, a forever holiday? I surprised myself; I who laud embrace-the-present and live out loud. Of course, at any time, our lives are never completely how we want them. Lack, loss or loneliness is part of the human experience; and moving to Colorado will only bring another set of angst.

The vacation was great. A different rhythm, spending time with warm, loved people. But what I need, as always is rest. Rest in Love that alone can reassure, tune me sound and send me forth. And you know what? this Rest comes easily really. My worn chair, a quietened heart, a journal and Bible plus a good book or two.

Get some rest my friend before you launch into 2013!

Foreign Corresponding...

Hey!
I am writing off a "20-minute access" computer at the town library in Fort Collins called the Purdue River Public Library!

Book and library lovers travel anywhere and still end up in these nests of comfort: Firestone rare books, Barnes and Noble, and yes, town libraries - why not?

So here's a piece about a local library in a foreign land:

1. It's a huge place with three floors. I easily spot "children's" to make a direct beeline for with two restless, sugar-filled boys in tow. More than a corner, it has several interactive panels which i am tempted to fiddle with myself but for the shelves of books everywhere! The rambunctious boys play war-and-no-peace among the panels, I interrupting when the noise level gets unacceptable...but so far, no one has thrown a disapproving frown  across my path.

2. Shelf-labeling is interesting: they have 'staff picks', 'seasonal' (it's nearly Thanksgiving), and shelves called 'Hot and Cold', 'Think Big', 'All in the family' and..the more common, 'Mystery'. I am amused and attracted --but know from experience Asians will have little patience for such obtuse labels!

3. So many PCs to use! They have a twenty minutes limit for most sets and I went eureka! I set the boys down to one and so here i am at another PC! [ i must mention a young male librarian worked very hard to get the sound out onto to headsets so the boys can tune in to www.pbskids.com and watch/play Curious George! Nice.

4. Music in the library - live! i got to go: Dana and Susan are about to perform with banjo, harmonica and guitar a suite they called 'Journey across America' - what a panaromic treat!

Not in a hurry to return to my Bishan library at this point. Grins.

[posted after i return as my twenty minute ran out and the music started so.. ;) ]

If i could be a travel-holic!

That's what i'd like to be.
- and just maybe, some day i shall be!

It's always been there. Since i first discovered there was a larger world beyond the many floors of my block of flats, beyond the long straight road daily filled with bicyles, lorries and more..when with each TV show and documentary, the world: distant lands, strange faces and deep seas beckon to me.

There is so much! This probably struck me deeply as I grew up with so little. Hardly any toys, two good dresses, and many days a semi-filled stomach. It was not lack but wonder - a drawing. I did not want to strike it rich to travel and taste and see; it was just the latter, and I am ok with how it came my way.

My first ever trip outside of Singapore was to visit the mountainous drug-producing region called the Golden Triangle in North Thailand. I had worked several months teaching tuition to small kids and raised enough for the journey. My first flight! My first real sense that I was going to die in a foreign land too...and at age seventeen, it seemed more adventure than dread (and this because I wanted a more heroic departure).



In ten days' time, with my husband and children, we are visiting the vast, fascinating and very influential nation  called North America. Even as I write, my son is watching an American movie, I am staring at a Dell computer screen and then blogger and Google will collaborate to allow me to share this... I have so many feelings about this nation. I would prefer to slow jaunt through a small corner of it, sucking on the marrow and dancing to the soul-beat. But we have twenty-some days and two states and many miles to cover. I am sensing the destination is the journey and the experiences divinely appointed and mistake-empowered will shape and define this trip.

But just so, we must fight off  many well meaning suggestions, the easier routes and even the differing preferences of the troop! It is a trip for four, not just me, but I would hate for it to look in the end like a compromise where no one feels fully satisfied.

I talk to the troop about learning to enjoy each other's interests, sharing joys and sacrifice. I excite our hearts by linking our expectations and wishes to Goodness' gifts and reminding, first myself, that the trip is ours to figure -in response to kindness and Providence.

Bon Voyage to us!

[i am taking a blogging break at this time too. see you before 2012 folds!]

Pilot me Saviour!

a song discovered - enjoy! very much very much my prayer: the seas within my bosom rise tumultous and steals the quiet evenlight... 

but thankfully, i can cry, Pilot me! Saviour!

PSLE blues and nerves ...

It’s all my fault. Today is already day 2 of PSLE and I am shocked at my nerves. 

As I ruminated on it, i feel that a major reason is this: I have failed to grasp the incredibly complex educational roadmap here :-

*That your child should aspire to Higher Mother Tongue because it gives her points which add to her T-score (the bottomline score when it comes to determining the next phase of your child’s educational experience)

* That she should have joined a co-curricular activity that boasts of national-level excellence which in some way proves she has the mettle for tougher regimes ahead; and perhaps a Direct Secondary School Admission.

* that she should have taken every one of those enrichment opportunities from scrabble to ballet to the hilt to prove that she is among the elite; once again standing her in good stead for an esteemed secondary schooling experience such as Integrated Program.

Alas, I just am not the grand tactician who can grasp this scheme of things but plan my moves and arrange my resources so. So I had taken the clueless path of making decisions one step at a time. She’s too tired, choose another co-curricular activity.  Go easy on the purse and the pressure, so let’s not have too much tuition. Top class or mid-of-the-range? The latter please.

But now I’m a bundle of nerves! It’s clear as light to me what my daughter is capable of, but I just have to hope that this one exam which everything hinges on goes predictably smoothly. At the back of my mind, a tiny voice kept saying I did not push her to reach her best; and the more I browse the secondary schools which all parents aspire their kids to end up in, the worse I feel.

I had vowed that the exams will be hers, not mine. I went to work, was at a meeting when she returned home from the first day of PSLE. Everything was cool – except my nerves!

I just wonder how many parents feel like I do? 

The system is so complicated with the options and possibilities: IP, Express, Normal (Acad), Normal (Tenchincal), regular secondary schools, programs in junior colleges, Aesthetics and Music electives…and on... it really takes a strategist to figure it out. We had planned to set aside time to consider options and pick the six choices we have. But I cannot seem to shut the door on the information which I feel so overwhelmed by. It keeps demanding to be studied more carefully. There go those nerves again: for someone not known to major on details, I guess I have to bear with it. It’s two more days (with a weekend thrown in) where the exams are concerned; but it’s been a long journey and I am tired!

What kind of Brave?

A brave review

You've probably seen the movie. 

The plot is simple, straightforward and plain, the fun light and predictable. A princess is asked by her mom to marry in order to secure the kingdom but the gal won't and things get bad and messy....

Over our post-movie meal, we asked why they called it 'brave'? (harking back to another hit also set in Scotland, Braveheart perhaps?).

Well, I thought the different characters give us different Flavours of brave. The triplets are the brave young uns whose courage lies in their childhood which is still devoid of any real threats ands upsets. A reckless bravery. Father Fergus is the typical 'bring them on' brave with mostly brawn. Mom's courage lies in her steely determination to steer her progeny especially her firstborn towards her  kingly heritage while Merida's form is to throw caution to the wind, live with abandon and courageously mine the giddiest experiences-very teenage.

Their brave-flavours and the beliefs that underlie them clash and slash the precious bond. There is courage that reeks of pride and is in the end self-motivated and little less.

The climatic turn is the opportuity to discover and pursue true courage: admitting one's selfishness, riding helter-skelter in the rain, working, and holding on to the hope of a redeemed future.
This is the final scene where Merida sews the torn tapestry, galloping madly against time and rain...crying for a chance to fight and make it all right once again.
What are we willing to fight for? What kind of brave are we?

dusty days

note:this is an OLD post but when i was labeling today, it jumped here!


Literal dust is what i fear these days. I am expecting a lot of it as the Indian chaps enter my home with (what? only ONE screwdriver?) and a pneumatic drill. So i have been on a back-breaking frenzy to cover everything thing up, bought and used up more masking tape than ever before in my life, shove everything that would fit into the other rooms..and, move all the human inhabitants away!

So here we are learning to live in Grace with in-laws, where i encounter more dust - this time of a different speci. This kind is aka memories and habits. The heart breaking work this time is to rein in my heart, soul and mind and maintan a posture of gratitude (we are in asylum here), and even as the Spirit reminded me, believe for new, better memories.

Finally, in a time of need, there is always that one person i long for: mom. But she is not physically available to me anymore.