Small things that cause Big Trouble... like Doubts

Since my bout with dengue, I am more alert to tiny things that wreck major havoc.

Consider the microscopic Yersinia Pestis {the name tells you it's up to no good} -- that's the one the rats carried around causing The Black Death which wiped out nearly half of Europe's population!

A lot of small things can cause big trouble.

Germs
Indiscretion
Compromise
Fudging
Denial

It may not take much imagination to consider how these can lead to greater woes from marital break-downs to criminal liability. But there are other small things we let slip which over time can lead to serious trouble too.

Consider the following:

Laziness can result in habits that undermine one's potential, can mean important things are left unsaid and undone.

Inaccuracy can lead to untruth. It's easy in our anger and tiredness to gloss over things or shorten what we need to express. But so much trouble ensues because we don't tell the whole story.

A lack of gratitude can lead to callousness, cynicism and a critical attitude.

{if any of these are calling out to you, this is where to stop reading and start asking yourself some hard Qs, and perhaps talk to someone you trust}


There is yet another set of seemingly small stuff that when undealt with can gather itself into a mountainous pile that gets too huge to surmount. Doubts.

Here is a plague that affects us all.

Whether they come in the form of

regrets (I should have / I wonder if..)
questions (can it be / it doesn't make sense / I feel it's unfair, strange, wrong...)
fears (what if..)

I live with these doubts. I journey with others about their doubts.

Alas few of us have learnt how to live with them in a way that is constructive. Instead, we often receive very unhelpful counsel such as -

it is wrong and a lack of faith to doubt
there is no absolute
we are being too subjective

So being the busy creatures we are, we ignore and stuff them up and away. But it doesn't work well - not for long.

If you continually battle doubts about your faith, spouse, work, self -- the doubts will seep out or they will pile up. They also colour our perspective and can distort our view, making things much worse than they are!

Doubts by Rae Henrietta 1886

The best thing to do in the face of all doubts is to have a true, honest conversation - first with yourself; then with someone you trust. I describe it here. {right click to read}

It is also important to distinguish which of 3 kinds of doubt {right click to read} you are grappling with so you can volley the right response at it!


Our doubts are us wanting to be sure. They demand an answer  and will echo around the chambers of your heart until it becomes a ruckus! So face them. Just remember, "there may be no answer to this one at this point of time" is an answer, when uttered in honesty after effort has been expended.

Think about it - you may save a life

This morning as I sat with my tea and kaya* toast, I thought once again of two friends who I no longer am able to contact. I have searched for them...but they are now elusive. This isn't the first time I miss people in my life.

Last night when I was at Ang Mo Kio Central, I avoided the huge exhibition on the late Mr LKY.


When you have touched grief, every death reaches a nerve that has been awakened it seems, and it relays quickly to tear ducts and places of loss. It's not a pleasant feeling and I did not want to go there as I am carrying some heartache within.



Eventually though, I walked among the black and white photos, the art pieces, the In-Memory lines penned by those who met, knew, and respected the man.

part of the exhibit at Ang Mo Kio Central Stage

I am not sure if this morning's longing to know if my friends are doing well is connected; but I refused to let my longing go to waste. What was it trying to tell me? This after all, isn't the first time I have longed for my friends.

In this case, these two friends - unconnected with each - had come to me in their time of confusion. They were at a loss about their life and they have tried some pretty rough routes. They were successful in some ways but yet they felt really lost.

I have known them both for years. We were not food or drink buddies and did not have any regular hang out time. One of them lives overseas. I'm probably not the first person they turned to; but along the way, my face and name came to them. As I thought about it, I wondered if they reached out to me perhaps because I was a pastor (even though a young one then).

The memory of their visits returned to me vividly one day. Then years ago I had prayed and left it in God's hands. Today though it seems the Spirit has more to say. As I put myself in their shoes, I realised how sorely disappointed they might have been - because - I could not enter their pain and so failed to offer any real hope. I can see their body language, the many pauses and moments of silence, and yes, the way they left.

Even as I reflected, I feel aware of my emotional state at that time: I was mired in my own struggle and it loomed so large, it was always casting this shadow over me that the Light was not shining freely around. It's hard to see clearly when it's dark and dreary.

As a result, my heart and mind was not engaging the way my friends needed me to.


This morning, this verse came from 1 Peter 1 came to me:

"...prepare your minds for action.."

 "put your mind in gear.."

Interesting that engaging and activating our thoughts is so critical.

Peter is talking about our new future in Christ, building up to His return. The allurements of self and society are many; being faithful and fruitful in our lives requires us putting all our horsepower behind it.

At risk of sounding harsh, sloth is a huge problem for many of us. Otherwise, we are busy over the wrong priorities, such as serving up our opinions on a myriad of things on social media.


What should we apply our minds to?
What should we take time to think about?

2 things:

what is diluting or threatening my identity as God's child

how in my circumstances do I live the new God-given life in Christ.

The answers to these two essential Qs will help move us towards a way of living --
- where we know what matters and what doesn't
- where we realised how immeasurably valued we are that God would send Jesus to die for us
- where what we do now will usher in a whole new existence some day

Back to my friends. I re-imagined the scene. What if we took time to think about how each other is doing, really doing, the world will know a whole new level of peace.

If we dare risk asking the Q: what are you really saying?
If we listen to the heart behind the words.

Instead we live with a lot of assumptions. We assume the family is okay. We assume the church is alright since things are humming along. In some instances, we even pretend; because we have a hunch that things are not fine but we don't feel the energy or motivation to find out the truth.

But imagine if we did.

What will happen if we took some time at the end of each day to reflect on the interactions we had. Perhaps there is someone we need to go back and check on, someone to pray for, some issue to think about. Perhaps we find it's a whole new area we may need to do some research and asking around...Perhaps we will hear fears and anxieties; but we may well hear brilliance, off-beat ideas and passion. Or we may hear pain and frustration, lostness...

...and if we have been preparing our minds, that is to say we have given thought to some of these things in the light of what God has revealed... the Spirit would draw out from the reservoir of our 'homework' and we would have hope to offer.

I cannot roll back the clock. I still hope to locate my friends and apologise for failing them. It is a huge comfort that I can turn to prayer.

You may think I am beating myself up. But this reflection leading to repentance for my self-centredness and my callous attitude towards other's pain is going to save my life and someone else's one day.

I am being saved from a false sense of myself. I see how far I am still from Christ's likeness. This does not make me 'work harder' but turn to God to find security and steadfastness. God is the one who gives the growth and matures us. Our own ideas of growth and transformation are often mixed in with the self's need for attention. No, only God's agenda is pure and true.

I trust that as He does, I will feel and fare differently in the coming days when others turn to me with their need.

* kaya - an Asian bread spread made of eggs, pandan and coconut. yummy! ref: Critical and Explanatory Commentary by Robert Jamieson, A. R. Fausset and David Brown and published in 1871.

Why think so much? Because it shapes you up.

Why ask so many questions?
What's the use of thinking so much?

Rodin's Thinking Man

Not everyone loves mental calisthenics. Most of us are happy to be done with school. Mental (metal as in the music is the same for me) anguish where we feel lost and cannot quite figure out an answer is tormenting. Philosophical questions of 'why', 'what', 'therefore' is daunting for most of us.

So we should avoid it. Don't worry, be happy. What's done is done. No point crying over spilled milk. 

I disagree.

Firstly, we all worry as surely as we all want to be endlessly happy. (and if we were, would we still be happy?) Worry seems to come with the territory. Worry happens because we want certain outcomes but we cannot ensure it occurs. We worry if the boss will like the presentation. We worry if eating that weird piece of meat coz all our friends were digging in would make us sick. We worry if we can retire. We worry about the kids (big worry today!). We worry about sagging skin, thinning air, thickening waistlines and blocked arteries.

Someone wisely said, "worrying is like a rocking chair, it keeps you moving, but gets you nowhere!".

So between our tendency to worry and the pointlessness of it - is the necessary work of reflecting on what it is we are worrying about and how much worry-power we want to give it. A little sitting in the rocking chair can be quite useful to help us figure out what is important to us and whether we are being sensible about what we are doing about it.

I worry quite often over my children; but I pause to talk to my worries and find out what they mean. Maybe my expectations are way off the chart. Maybe I am expecting too much of myself. Maybe I slipped and should be doing something.

What's done is done -- unless it can be undone. 

There is an old idea called Restitution. This is where we set right what we did wrong. I fear we have forgotten those days. It appears we are in such a haste that people move on and carry much baggage of unresolved conflicts within their bosoms often.

Angry eyes
Sad faces
Sudden explosive outbursts
Panic attacks
Fatigue
Depression

are the outcomes of accumulated soul barang-barang*. Disappointment with self and others, being unfairly treated, being put down, feeling neglected; suffering from another's anger, very high expectations; failures and setbacks -- all of these are wounds that need time to heal.

Each wound is unique and require some special care and the appropriate salve.... often involving crying over spilled milk.

The milk mattered! It costs. So it's totally okay to cry for a bit.

Through those teary eyes, consider why this mattered so much, why it hurts they way it does.

Our gains may be useful indicators of our life's potential.
Our pains are no less useful. In fact, they may tell us more.

Humans are pack creatures in a way, so we all go after the same rewards very often. But our pains tend to be unique to each of us. Why does someone hurt over an insensitive remark while another find it fairly easy to shrug off (assuming this person is not pretending}. Why does the death of a loved on impact one family member differently from another? Why does a change in plan upset one much more than another?

Our pains are wonderful indicators for who we are, what we cherish, and what we find security in.

So think much - about what brings your pleasure. Also think much about what brings you pain. This thinking and processing will yield much fruit including:

1. you are able to empathize better with others and speak wisdom they may need

2. you are shielded from the deception of the enemy who loves to disguise as an angel of light (the easy way out, the get-over-with-this). 

A solution at hand is not the same as a resolution that leads to peace and a deeper, richer life.

"leave your simple ways and you will live, walk in the way of understanding" ~ Proverbs 9v6

*Singapore slang for stuff

a personal Jubilee: starting over happens everyday

J.U.B.I.L.E.E.

It was much anticipated. Singapore's wildest, biggest, most extravagant national party! There have been many movements and moments leading up to it... groups doing craft, entire blocks of flats getting a makeover with all kinds of motifs (I just saw a block that had koalas on it!), folks making videos, writing songs, doing new and wondrous things! As citizens we were given SG50 goodie bags, and over the long celebratory weekend, there will be carnivals, free rides and museum entrances. On the first day of that weekend I even bought a yoghurt at half price!

For someone convalescing and with a few commitments to attend to; I resorted to a vicarious experience of it all via social media... everyone was totally soaking up the celebratory atmosphere over the four-day long weekend. One friend wrote, "hopping from one activity to the next, the fun never ends!". Sounds rather odd for Singapore honestly!

And of course it culminated in this parade la grande ~

largest fireworks in our history

party!

amazing black knights flew '50' formation 

-- which the family caught on TV. I totally missed it, having booked to spend time over a very special conversation with someone who just flew in. I must say I feel a hole in me for having missed our Jubilee Parade.

But losses don't have to be total! On the last day of the long weekend break, we finally headed to one of our favourite places: the Botanic Gardens, now a Unesco World Heritage site. It was so heartwarming to see families and folks strolling, enjoying the vast gardens... there was laughter and one family even did a little race across the lawn. Lovely, energetic fun with a generally cool weather to boot. It felt so good to be alive after the brush with death, and just soak up the Jubilee atmosphere!

So we're 50; and how old that feels depends on who's talking --

As a nation, this has truly been a poignant year. The fact that we are a tiny lil isle in a vast sea that is now bobbing with tremendous uncertainty is not lost to us. Looking back at our journey from colony to statehood to affluent cosmopolitan city-state is an exercise in wonder. So much and so many could have gone awry. Still, it's as if Providence charted a course for us and shielded us through it all.

Jubilee as a notion is of course far more than a mere counting of years. It is a biblical concept that is all about justice, equity and second chances. When the fiftieth year rolls around, everything must be restored. Slaves must be set free, land that was mortgaged must be returned, loans must be canceled. 

Jubilee is all of our cherished hope - the chance to start over. Can someone please wipe the slate clean? Take back my harsh words, rash decision, too quick to press 'enter' trigger finger? Can someone pls cancel away my debts, let me off the hook?

The Jubilee sounds too good to be true. It is also easily abused. The Bible warns against the abuses, and appeals to the heart that desires hope to offer it to others.

But we grasp for ourselves - first.

We want the Jubilee. We may not be so quick to offer it to others. Just forget, forgive, let go? Ask the person next to me.

The Jubilee can be mighty uncomfortable too. We are all creatures of habit and routine. To have to change course, loose bonds, re-imagine what you truly own is quite unsettling. If Ami has been making your breakfast, you could well wake up to having to make your own! From these small shifts to larger ones including taking out title deeds and handing them over; the Jubilee is hard to live out!

So each heart is squirming in the juices of calculation and wariness.

A Jubilee can only happen when we want things God's way and not ours.

It is easy to glibly raise our voices and blow our shofars at the prospect of it; but within our hearts nothing really shifts. We return back to our old ways and set patterns.

Unless -- we realise that the message of the Jubilee is about a just society that depends on God - and that happens when we are personally set free  to depend on God and not see each other as competition, see the world as a limited pie that must be carved up, see our lives as desperate, lacking, unfulfilled.

Jubilee for any society can only happen when it becomes a personal Jubilee.

We must reach for the freedom God offers us in the paradox of offering it to others.
We must reach for the freedom God offers us in the releasing of what we have crafted and engineered for our safety, security and significance.
We must reach for the freedom God offers us in the forgiving of others, and in seeking their welfare.

Listen to this:
Things We Leave Behind

It's hard to imagine

the freedom

 we find
from the things we leave behind

There is some nervousness about the future of Singapore. We have an election coming. We are maturing, asking questions and challenging norms.
There is always some anxiety in our hearts, especially those of us who are parents!


But it's the Jubilee - try to imagine freedom. And pray about finding it in your own heart first.
And that is a daily prayer, a daily discovery, a daily commitment.

More God-years Singapore!

an enemy you cannot see, a Love you must notice

I am 'convalescing'. It means I am on the mend, healing, becoming stronger, getting better. I am regaining strength after a bout of sickness; in this case one brought on by a tiny insect vector: the menacing Aedes Mosquito {I'll spare us the picture}.

Bug bites have never been a huge problem for me. They like me enough; but a scratch or two later, some lotion, and I am fine. Once after a trip to the Philippines I found a large welt on my left ankle. It was huge! I tried to think what creature had inflicted such a mortal-feeling wound on me but a bug bite is not something one notices until it is too late. The bug will not be sticking around to introduce itself! My mind scanned images of irridescent, dark, large, fat-bodied bugs of all sorts. When we landed, an earthquake had just ripped through so we swooped down to lost bags and waist high flood waters. The following two weeks I could have been bitten at many places.

Alas, the doctor's reaction was not exactly assuring; but there wasn't much to do. Thankfully, in another few days, the swell subsided and I was feeling my normal self again.


Ten days ago, I found myself shuddering in my sleep. What I expected followed: fever, aches and a loss of taste. The flu. Well, it's the end of July and I guess I have held out nice and long this year.

But it felt different, in a worse way. Something more sinister was happening. I felt way too exhausted. When I recalled how my area was a dengue hotspot; I decided I should check with my doctor. The test turned out; nothing to be positive about really, positive.

There is nothing external; I cannot even find the bite spot. When did this mortal enemy attack me? What stealth and what damage! A wee little bug easily squished if I had spotted it. But I had not; and it had done me in.

I was really angry.

Here I am, a thousand times larger and - I - lost. And what a darn unfair battle this is. I cannot see you bug! I could have been concentrating on my work when you decided to take a drink. I could be sleeping when you feel a rumbly in your tumbly. Why me?! Many good minded folks like to think of all critters that do damage as a result of the Fall. I am not sure of that; but I do know I was hopping mad that something way down the creation scale can take out a child of the Most High. There was something disturbing about it.

Dengue is one of those things everyone knows something about; and it has a whole scary "you could die from it" dimension where your system can shut down, your organs can bleed and it's all very Ebola like except it's not contagious.

No one can do a whit to help you. There is no medication and so - you just have to hope your body fights back strong.

Much as I would not wish it on anyone, I admit that the many who told me they or their loved ones have had it before gave me much hope. Very few die from it. That's always a good statistic.

Interestingly, the daughter came home from school with a book she got from a giveaway. It turns out to be Tuesdays with Morrie - a book about a dying professor's weekly time with a former student of his; imparting life lessons as he faced his imminent death.

If we cannot spot the bug; then what it can bring in its wake is far harder to anticipate. Some people don't get that sick. Others get way too sick; it turns into what the is called a 'sickness unto death'.

Death is the enemy we cannot really see. Even if you were told like old Morrie was that you had ALS and the doctor gave you a timeframe to expect your life to give up; death will still sneak up un-announced.

I once witnessed someone die before my eyes.

Her breath was very laboured and her daughter and I knew we were just waiting. There was no telling when the exact moment would be. She seemed suspended between the living and the dead...her rising and falling rib cage the only indication she was still on this side. And then, it stopped heaving. She had crossed to the other side. She is forever beyond our reach. Just earlier, we hoped our singing and our tears reached her; but now it felt like a permanence had come over everything. A finality. Someone closed a heavy curtain and the light did not come through any more.

This dengue bout got me a little mad, a little sad, and I could have acted pretty bad too.

The first night I finally was led to my hospital room; I thought the spartan room setting reminded me of the retreat I needed to take.

The Communicable Diseases Centre is such an old relic of bygone days. In fact it dates back to 1907! My room was one in a series of rooms linked by covered walkways as part of a matrix of old bungalow-like buildings. I did not get to see the place much until I left; it was old, homey and quiet; without the usual hive of a hospital. It puzzled me that they placed here - dengue is not infectious - but it's lower occupancy than the hospital and ensured I was already on hospital grounds should I require emergency care; the nurse explained.*

All the nurses and doctors did their best to remind me that they were not able to really help me.

There is no medicine
There is no vaccine
We just hope your platelets rise
Don't brush your teeth, we don't want you bleeding.
Please call us, don't fall down.

So I was reduced to laying in bed and taking four feet to the bathroom. They hooked me to an IV drip that fed me sodium and potassium.

After being in the ER for a while, I insisted that my husband who looked sicker than I return home to rest. A sweet girlfriend came over to see that I was admitted.


While managing drowsily the past week, with the occasional dread of losing it all; I nursed another care within my bosom: the human desperation to live.

Being sick was rough; but my thoughts turned often to the millions of women who unlike me may have no one to care for them, who may have no access to medical care, whose bodies are so sunk from giving that a mosquito bite will bring on their end. I complained about the hospital meals but I have food. The bed had a sinkhole in the middle and the plastic sheets brought on bouts of sweating; but I was in a room, on a bed, with air-conditioning. I had a call buzzer to use when I needed help. My heart ached to think of the women who are alone and in need.

Then there are those who are desperate to live because they keep feeling like they haven't lived it up. Maybe they are hankering for a short getaway, for the dream spouse, to find what they really care about and pursue it with abandon. Some experience it as part of a larger search for self; often co-inciding with the middle years. Many today however are incited to feel dissatisfied in our hyper-consumer culture. 

Then of course there are those like me who are at risk; and if we think about how vulnerable we can all be - a bug bite - it's no wonder many are busy looking for ways to augment life; from pills to Pilates (the latest thing is Rolfing). Of course, I received well-meaning advice soon enough and drank my portion of papaya leaf juice! {It was nasty.}

I wonder if people do live better when they have had a brush with death.

If we seriously consider the odds of staying alive; we should all be more sensible, grateful, and artful about life. But we are not. We are apt to squander it.

Like Mitch Albom, without that providential moment when he caught sight of his old professor and reconnected with the old man, his life was throttling in wild pursuit of a blinding success that inured him to what he truly valued and wanted.

I believe such providential moments exist. I think this sickness is one such moment.

Interestingly for me, I had just taken some time out a few weeks earlier to think about my life and what the next half of it will be about. The exercise left me feeling hugely grateful. Sure there are bits of my life I gripe about. There are days when I cannot be sure where to put my feet. But I have a Purpose. I have a family, a committed spouse, two children who make me laugh. I have gifts I am using. I was still thinking about this, and honestly at this point, wondering about friendships when Dengue struck. My friends emerged from everywhere to pray and communicate care!

Behind all of this stands God - someone I cannot fully comprehend or even relate to -- He is God after all. 

He was extremely quiet while I was in hospital. There must not be much to talk about. I could hardly concentrate to pray or think; and I didn't need to. If God's love for me depended one whit on what I could do; I am dead meat. But it doesn't. It does not begin with my need or my ability and it won't end if I should lose both. 

In the many quiet, half-awake moments I felt cocooned in a safety called Love. 


So I began to think - satisfaction is a state that is cultivated. It begins with the small seeds of gratitude and grows to be a strong tree that can withstand the storms and surprises of life when one realizes that behind and beyond everything stands God; the Great Unchangeable, Constant. Then the desperation to live is real and we must live - not by grasping for what we think we lack - but by gladly enjoying that which is before us.

And of course, things can be better.

Schools can be better.
Marriages can be better.
Church can be better.
The climate can certainly be better.

But things get better because someone is working to make them better. 

And it is hard to make things better when you are bitter. It is a bitter thing to be felled by a tiny bug.

But --  you cannot be bitter for long when you are loved.

Love never fails 

~ 1 Corinthians 13

*although I am not infectious, I carry a virus that can be transmitted by a mozzie! So this makes me 'communicable'. Thank you Patricia Liu for pointing this out!

Take that small step... for Grace is always coming

Little things add up.

Good stuff
or
bad stuff.

Things turn, topple or triumph because of small measures taken repeatedly over time.

The home is crafted
The marriage is enriched
The souls are stronger
The bodies are fitter

In our world of loud, fast and sensational; we forget this pace God has built.

With hi-speed photography and lapse-time, we now get to see within minutes, even seconds; and within the comforts of our home and ever shortening attention-spans. -

the space shuttle that took nearly ten years reach the distant planet
the seed radical emerge, anchor, shoots grow out out from the grown, then leaf, bud, blossom and fruit
the spider spinning her intricate web and then trapping and storing her meal

So if you are feeling discouraged that change is coming too slow, check what mode your camera is in; what lens you are using. Perhaps too much zoom on the details? Perhaps not enough light and the aperture is too small? Perhaps you are taking multiple exposures hoping to see significant change when it isn't time yet?

My good friend has a fiesty mom who after many years grudgingly read some tracts and went to church. She professed Christ but afterwards did not enjoy going to church. Naturally, we dug around the details: did she really mean her response to Christ? Why are her old habits so hard to break? How is it she doesn't seem to show much spiritual hunger or interest?

The weeks dragged on to months. You can feel anxious, worried and angry.

Mom is getting older. She even had to go for surgery. My friend, busy as she is, felt it was important to be around for mom more. When she traveled, I sometimes called in to check on mom for her. They did simple things like watch TV, cook, eat. We prayed for mom.

A few weeks ago, my friend suggested that they could read the Bible together when they had time. Mom agreed! Then mom decided to go back to church too.

This story reminded me of the power of small things.

We can turn away and get busy with other stuff, urgent, attention-seeking, self-satisfying. But what would happen to mom, and what would our hearts miss as a result? 

Grace laps gently and persistently at the shorelines of our lives and each time the waves sweep back, we are cleaner and sometimes we find wondrous deposits.

Over time, the shoreline gets redefined and our shape emerges.

But Grace must be allowed to arrive, to break upon the shore and disrupt it abit, to clean back, glass off ... Grace is not water in a cup but a coming of God upon our lives to invite us to that which we fail to see, and so fail to do.


Grace is Goodness' entrance in daily, seasonal, purposeful ways.

What small thing could you do today?

To Really Live when life is hazy

That haze we all hate is such an apt metaphor for our times.

It's in the air.
It affects visibility. We all want to see clearly.

It gets in our air.
It affects air quality. We all want to breathe easy.

It gets on our nerves.
It reminds us that others may not care about what matters to us; may be unfair or even barbaric (to us) - and vice versa, really. We all want respect, fairness, and the power to get our due.


Life is hazy. We don't always see properly, our breaths are quick and shallow as we rush from one thing to another; and we bump into situations and people we wish we did not!

Our faith, purpose in life, motivations can all be hazy too.



This blog site is called To Really Live. I don't even remember when i started it! But it is my personal quest. I have one life and I want to really - live - it. I don't want to merely exist. I don't want to skirt around the edges or float like a phantasm.

Being around for nearly half a century, I feel that we have made life less clear and more cluttered. The voices, views and vistas are so many, we are left wondering, longing, and lost.

How does one..... Really . Live?  To have hearts that are not troubled or afraid?


We need to know what we Live For. 

There is a forward pull to life. We need a sense of direction, some goals, a telos of final destination. Heaven perhaps. Or God Himself? It's useful to seek, establish and recall what we live for. Or we shall can be easily troubled when we compare ourselves with others and then, afraid that we are losing out or worse, just plain lost!

We need to know that we Live From.

Many of us try to live away from. Some live away from their homes, their parents, their hearts. We are trained and enticed to look at all that shines and glitter and shun our lives; especially the bits we cannot finish gnawing off, that never quite get digested: regrets, hurts, pains, shame losses.

But to live well we need substance. The very life we have is the substance from which we are to find compost for fresh shoots.

Our hearts are often troubled and afraid when the past creeps up. Though not all of our past can be understood or explained; we can find peace when we embrace it. Peace comes not in the absence of trouble; but in the midst of it.

We need to know how to Live In.

If we deny our past, we are likely to fail to engage our present. Life is a series of days and an outworking of choices. Beneath it all is the hum of our emotions.

Yet the most amazing thing about life is The Present Moment. Each present moment has the potential to change the trajectory of our lives. What if God had primed us for this moment? What if God has provided someone or something right now, right here, that will call us forth? What if God is right here with us?

To live in our lives presently is the best act of faith and defiance there is. When we choose to embrace, give thanks and serve right where we are, we are saying we trust God to work things out, we are saying we believe in miracles, we are refusing to let our past suck us back in or the future discombobulate us. It is to be rooted, anchored and steadfast. After all, God is a very present help in trouble. 

This space is for us to learn, let go, love and so, To Really Live. Yes, you will find stuff about -

The past ~ memories, reflections, lessons
The future ~ dreams, plans, inspiration
The present ~ dailiness, doldrums, darting danger and drumming up fun!

And dear friends, join in. Your past can encourage my present, Your future can be energised my past.

 Let's Really Live - together - for it was never meant to be done alone.

Thank you for being here.

are you an anvil or a pickaxe aka how to really be a blessing

We all need to be beaten into shape.


Life will deal us blows. And it rarely happens when we are all alone, although it happens most when we feel we are all alone. Huge difference there.

The blows of intimidation, anger, accusation, rejection, disappointment, betrayal.

Some get these blows direct, hard, often.
Most get them on occasion.
Sometimes the blows aren't enough to kill us, but they are slowly destroying our zeal to live.

What we don't realise enough though is that we serve out those blows too. And it doesn't just happen when we are the direct agents causing the hurt. It can happen too when instead of being an anvil, we become a pickaxe (or ice pick or whatever you fancy).

The anvil is what a piece of metal to be shaped sits on. It is strong, solid and takes the blows with the poor metal being beaten into shape. without the anvil to rest on, the work does not get done. There is no stronger substance to absorb the blows. The anvil also has various parts that help to get the metal beaten into the right shape - to add a curve, to punch a hole.

The pickaxe or ice pick on the other hand works by striking and breaking a large piece up. If you are prone to analysis, love perfection, cannot stand uncertainty - this profile probably fits better. Situations, people, crises are all taken apart in your mind and heart; and comes tumbling out in words and mannerisms. Also, as most of us have become so used to being picked on; by parents, teachers, peers, even the media - it is the easier skill to imbibe.

P: I'm worried.
J: Why? What did you do? Are you sure the worry is valid?


I've come to realise that I lived a very insecure first few years; and my attempts to feel unafraid have ranged from being knowledgeable, to being funny, to be right, to being strong. {what about you?}

So it's easy to be a pickaxe.


Yet, those same experiences and my efforts to make it safely through a treacherous world have given me an empathy and mercy that is deep as it is easy.

So I can be an anvil.



I am writing this because just recently i felt the painful jabs of a pickaxe - again.

My initial response was to pickaxe back - even if I mostly do it within me. But time and many painful episodes have taught me it is a rather futile regiment. I do not ignore my pain or gloss over my sadness. I take it to the One Anvil I know who can take all the blows. I trust Him to accept the blows with me and in His Silent Sovereignty to direct those blows so that they shape me up and not smash me apart.

It is hard to not react when you sense danger or feel alarmed.
It is hard to not despair when in a moment all that you thought was in the past come rushing back.
It is hard to not fantasize of another world, another time and drug yourself with false hopes.


The metal being beat sees that threatening pickaxe or hammer coming down and it must be terrified !

But it is not destroyed. For it sits on The Anvil.

"we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." ~ 2 Corinthians 4v8-9

And while waiting for the sting to fade, such moments help a lot:

how long it can take to say Happy Father's Day

I never said it much growing up.
We are Asians.
Father's Day wasn't invented yet - not to me anyway.
If it existed, and I knew about it, I'd probably have resisted it.

Not much to celebrate about, I'd say.

So dead wrong I was.


My children are now fifteen and turning ten.
The wheels of time just keep rolling on. In my lesser moments, with the crowding of unpleasant memories - and with Mother's Day still vivid (did he do anything anyway?) .... no need to be so insistent on fussing over what a man's got to do.

So wrong I am.

This morning, the actual Father's Day, I woke up because I heard him call my name. But I turned to see that he was still sound asleep. The voice was recognizable, distinct, clear, firm. Perhaps it was God? So I did the Samuel thing: speak, I am listening! Nothing.

I was asleep one moment. Then I am awake. It doesn't normally happen this way at all.

It's Father's Day I thought to myself. My first thought, honestly, was my preaching coming up later in the morning. Then I whispered, "Happy Father's Day'" to God!

Then I thought about my father.

The one who with my mom were the chosen lives to come together and combine their genetic material to generate me. 

My picture of my dad is not a clear portrait - all gleaming, wall-hanging ready. It's more like bits of mosaic lining up unequally and unevenly.

He could do things with his hands. I remember one time, he brought home timber! He sawed, hammered, nailed... and a chunky double decker bed emerged. I don't remember climbing into it much less sleeping it. Perhaps it wasn't sturdy and my mom had him take it down.

Then there was the time he came home once with an accordion. I had never before seen such a thing and was fascinated by the way it folds and the sounds that whinnied out from it.

He sometimes told jokes. My mother laughed once or twice at them.

Quite a few times, he returned much later than expected and it seemed he had taken the wrong bus. {like the way I get lost I suppose - the blood carries strange things}.

I remember we watched three things repeatedly: Hindi movies, nature documentaries, and wrestling. Thanks to my dad, I am adept at eating with my hands, never let skin colour bother me, can recognise David Attenborough's voice anywhere... {but no, I did not take to the wrestling bit}.

From my mother, I got the story that he had been suspended from school because he was too playful. Apparently, in order to keep him restrained, the teacher had drawn a circle. He stepped out of it. They asked him to step out from school. His father and mother didn't cared. He never graced the doors of a school again. He never took us to school, except to bike my baby sister to her kindergarten.

He loved the thrill of a good gamble; but he made humble bets. Although we did have encounters with loan sharks at one time. Each time he did win, the house would fill with something. But they don't last very long. They go missing pretty quickly. He must have lost then.

He smoked. I had a sensitive nose. When I turned teen, I self-righteously berate and made him feel bad/guilty/worthless for inflicting us with second hand smoke.

If I loved my dad as a child I do not remember it. I wished I did. I would have made music with him, learnt to build a thing or two, maybe got lost together on those bus rides. 

Perhaps I did not love him because we were busy getting by.
Perhaps I did not love him because my mother was struggling with her deep disappointments in life: she had vowed not to marry someone who gambled, but her mother set her up with my dad. And a mother's shattered dreams are shards that are best avoided.
Perhaps I did not love him because there was a sorry need for love in my own little heart.

Thankfully, at age eight, God became a reality for me. Among the many things I would learn and discover about God, I found I had a heavenly father.

God became the father I wanted and needed.

But when I was old enough, God turned my attention back to my earthly father. It began with the mission all good Christians embark on: saving folks. My dad needed saving, that wasn't difficult to see. But in time, God showed me, my father would once again be God's instrument: his cold, indifferent, cavalier attitude about God, called forth Christ in me. I needed to be saved from my lovelessness.

Patiently God waited for me to grow up. When God said, be a friend to your dad through my gushing tears - and I said 'yes' - a whole new capacity opened up within me. I saw how he was a hurt, unloved person in so many ways; and appreciated how much it must take for him to even be who he was.

I miss my father. I certainly miss it that he did not get to walk me down the aisle or see my children. His silliness would be wild fun for them!

I cannot recall how many 'happy father's day' I managed to say in the end. But I am glad I got to say it, finally. 

That verse in Malachi about God turning the hearts of children to their fathers? God is always doing that. He is love; it's what he does. Later Paul puts it slightly differently when he said that God has entrusted us with the ministry of reconciliation.

It took me a long time to say Happy Father's Day because I could not see what a gift my dad was, stuck as I was in what the model dad should be; forgetting that he did not have a father who showed him how, and without God in his life; how was he to ever know?

Yet this is valour --

When he got married and he saw his bride thumbed and abused by his mom, he courageously took her, their two pots and one bag and left in the middle of the night. 

When the children started coming, he worked with a changkol [shovel], he worked as a coolie. It was back breaking and he was tempted to get faster gains and his gambling habit grew. But he never indulged himself. It was always to help us live a little better. Get a toy or two. Eventually he became a clerk at the Harbour Board. But a horrendous driver came up and threw him off his rickety bicycle. They gave his job away. There was no one to look to for recourse. 

If his work outside did not work out, he worked at home. He cleaned and cooked. I still miss his best dish - pig's tongue stewed with soy beans and onions. No one makes it like he does. Sometimes we came home to hand written messages that the water had been boiled and is safe to drink. In a lighter moment, we captured a photo of him using our first vacuum cleaner. 

He didn't have much going for him in life really. But he had an optimistic, can-survive demeanour. We probably got them from him too. Not to mention his linguistic ability. He didn't have many opportunities and no patrons or mentors.

But God did give him am amazing wife. With her, they had nine children! I am glad to be one of them.

When a man has given life his one best shot, as he knows how... it is worth celebrating. And Mr Ho, he gave being a dad a shot. He did not supply us with plenty, but he looked to see that the rice urn and the sugar and salt was there. He did not know how to egg us on to success, but he never held us back and we could see his quiet pride at every graduation. He never told us his love or demanded from us anything. He accepted gifts reluctantly and his sanguine self can go very quiet when attention was fastened on him. But God knows, he tried. I thank God for opening my eyes to see it before it was all too late.

Now, he is having a well deserved rest and a truly wild time in heaven, just fit for his personality. He is home, safe and free at last.

Happy Father's Day dad!

where I grew up

And - to the man who is partner to the children I now have, that's a different and no less important Father's Day to celebrate for sure!

It's all about The View: I zoom out and try to get God's view!

Did you ever feel like you are backed into a corner and have only so many options?

I am feeling it right now. In my case, it's just one option. Nothing life-threatening thankfully; but here is what is happening.

I have lived in my flat now for eleven years. We renovated it when we first moved in. Then we had to repair the toilet - twice! (At one time, and it still happens some days, I live in a first-world flat with a toilet that annoys me with third-world sewer smells. It's a mystery says the plumber... and I remind myself what privileges I enjoy already).

Now we are about to embark on another project to create a personal space for the mighty teen. There is a natural space for it but because of The View, we have to carve out the dining area to create her room.

This is The View.

The Bishan Park - one of Singaporean's favourite local spot!

To keep this view; we will embark on an inconvenient and unconventional plan involving carving out a room on one side of the dining area. This will create a less than satisfactory balcony space, permanently remove my sunny spot for the laundry, involve relocating three bicyles, and, upset the cat... it's a lot to deal with.

But it was hard to battle The View.

We all agreed that we loved The View and the area should remain as is and not become someone's bedroom.

In a way we kinda worked ourselves into this spot. We chose to turn one of the rooms into our home office complete with so many shelves lining the walls; sleeping in it will feel way too bookish; and a bed cannot fit in anymore. So yes, this decision made it necessary to make the current one, because of course of The View!

The view is great. It's hard to beat in a city. It's been paid for and scrupulously maintained by the government. You can see life, families, animals all having a spot of life with exercise and movement and the occasional picnic and photo shoot. Why, even the Prime Minister has chosen this spot to make his speeches!

But one consideration can sometimes limit us.

Like the time I spoke with a retiree who said he wouldn't think of traveling overseas even though his skills are most helpful; because he gets motion sickness.

It is really funny how one thing can dictate another. I have stopped eating chicken lately because I suspect the feathered friends are not longer on chummy terms with me as I get hives from so much as drinking the stock!

What's more; sometimes. the one thing can run our lives!

There are those who can analyse a situation to death; but for most of us, I notice that we mostly live with a view round about the tip of our noses. We don't make all the connections or think hard and long enough about most things. I notice 3 things about most of us:

Our attention spans: brief.
Our analysis: limited to what we can associate with.
Our responses: hemmed in by emotions that cloud our seeing.

So perhaps we live a little too close to ourselves, and not enough in touch with others. Really.

Besides, every one else must fit into the frame of our view or be blurred and lost in peripheral vision. 

All the more so when you live in a competitive, fast-paced island with a narrative that we must keep swimming faster or we sink; our view can become pretty narrow. We can go so fast, things can get so blur; we don't notice, care or engage - really.


So here we are, each one of us, muddling and hustling along with the weight of our own universes on our backs.

It's a sadly funny sight at the train stations in the morning: teeming scores of people looking bored, tired, and wishing they were somewhere else. Our own weights get so much some resort to pretend to sleep to avoid giving up their seat to others; while others require a poster to remind them to 'bag down' so they don't hit others with their bags! Don't we notice that there are other people?

Just the tips of our noses and our own heavy bundle.



What happens when we can zoom the lens out and see a wider picture? 

I have noticed things I didn't before.
I see connections I didn't pick up earlier; that may explain some things.
I have realised that things take time to pan out; and my present panic isn't worth it!


What happens if we can pan out some more -- all the way to where God sees things?

I try to imagine.

A lot of what I fuss over probably won't matter.

and -

Patience ~

the situation may change.
your heart may grow stronger.
your spouse may get the chore done.
your child will grow up and be more responsible.

On Mother's day I had gone to speak at a church where we were at more than ten years ago. I can remember the parents who angst over their teens. The teens who didn't seem headed anywhere. Then I see them - some have gotten married. Some have really surprised us! The parents are in such a different place.

No matter how many flowers we have seen blossom; each flowering still needs its time to go through the stages. We have to be patient.

And I remember too that there are different ways to think about Time.

 The time we are most used to is chronological time (Greeks call it chronos). But there are other ways to see the passing of the moments, the events, the seasons. There is kairos, when time is ripe, special, a divine intervention, a heaven-touching-earth moment. Then there is teleos which speaks of time moving towards a final purpose and towards an end goal.

For the faithful, kairos and teleos shape and define chronos. Our daily hours and moments are meaningful and important because they can be interrupted by Grace and explode with potential. It is not a mere ticking of the hours. We live present, and with a sense of joyful expectancy because things are leading up to something.

This is The View - the really big picture!


When I look out my window onto the park; I imagine God looking at us. I see the the smallish people alone or in groups. I notice the water, and I often hear the noises, cries and barks. All of it forms the picture of the park at that point of time. I don't have the wisdom or insight into the specifics or can quite describe how they fit into that day's plans. But God - when he looks at us - He alone knows how the puny bits that are us fit together in the grand scheme of things.


So, when I get too caught up with the minutiae of my life and begin fussing over what I feel is missing; I remind myself to expand my horizons and think of other women, mothers, wives who live in the next block, the neighbouring nation, the further reaches of our earth. This I remind myself is God's view.

My prayers and requests are valid but they are not definitive for life.

When I feel like it is but a daily grind; I try to spot the kairos moments of Grace and pray to see that things are shaping up and working out. I plaster patience over my anxious heart and call it to be still once again.

It's all about The View.

How's yours?