love nearly fade

How fragile our love and loving is - when it's about warm, welcoming feelings of closeness, comfort and cosy-mosy fuzzies...imagine this, i almost, yes, lost love for my precious daughter for whom i have invented a dozen words of endearment!

She was so obstinate, so full of contradicting (me), so whiny...i was after her for hair pins, homework, music practice, meals...and all this after spending so much time as a stay-home-mom! something wilted within me. In fact we were trying to grow this plant which tested our faith to the limit by staying wilty - not alive, not quite dead...just a few minutiae of leaves at the end of its skinny two stalks - a perfect picture of how i felt.

O gosh, whenw e were in the car and the familiar whine went off, i just shut up. Cajoling was out. Threats were too tiring. But as i kept quiet, i could lmost feel the hum of the engine of my heart slowing down too! Like an early frost. Thankfully that sent shivers - and i shook myself and awakened to the realities that no doubt all good responsible parents face: the real possibility of relationships souring.

i hunkered down, wiped my tears and said my prayers. Then i got up and shook off my silly needy self and rose up afresh - a grown up, responsible for reining in my feelings and cultivating creative avenues for transformation. i opened the deep chest of memories and pulled out a few favourites and stared at them a long time until the warmth forced the frost to beat a retreat.

Then I stepped out again. We will grow through this - together.

coming together..

Over and over i see them: people.
everywhere.
my heart beats and skips as i sense the cry for meaning, rescue and healing..
i pray, entertain wild ideas, and then over the months, i became convinced that we all need to become Foot Soliders. Yup, those that walk on the job or do the work on the go...
Chrsitians already know we are meant to 'go'....but we arent quite going...because:
1 we are so frightened; the postmod milieu does not make it easier
2 we worry we will fail get rejected etc
3 we dont know what to do
4 we are too busy serving in church
5 we have so many problems of our own

so we do the occasional thing: invite to events etc..which we all know by now does not produce solid disciples unless they are then carefully followed up...

two books i read - miles apart - gave me ideas: Treasure Hunt by Bill Johnson and The Insider by Jim Petersen and Mike Shamy.
i feel it coming together
i want to get ready to be a foot soldier

perhaps this is also why i sense so clearly God told me NEVER be busy filling up your days with actitivies one after another.. it gives me space to hear HIm, to read, reflect and to make time for others...

o i sure hope i overcome my own limitations, OBEY and rise above my own narrow horizons..and have plenty adventures to share...!!

OVERHEATED PROCESSING
o boy
what a week..i did everything but write. not too good at all. so at least, before the week is over, here i am trying to write something!! this is very serious as i have two major datelines up which are totally ambitious...but in case you think i've been a major lump of inertia; i assure you not.
this week i had to process major thoughts and feelings relating to a major decision plus i am fed-up enough of our young people being preyed on and having their lives expended on surface issues aka consumer agenda; i have been thinking of forming either (1) a think tank to brin gback beauty, truth and wonder into all levels of society (2) a mutli-racial n religious group to combat advertising that is insulting to intellignce, offensive to moral sensitivites and degrading to men and women by reducing us to a bundle of nerves.

want to join me? sign up right here!

celebrate the ordinary

i just found this lovely little poem:
The Patience of Ordinary Things
Pat Schneider
It is a kind of love, is it not?
How the cup holds the tea,
How the chair stands sturdy and foursquare,
How the floor receives the bottoms of shoes Or toes.
How soles of feet know Where they're supposed to be.
I've been thinking about the patience Of ordinary things,
how clothes Wait respectfully in closets
And soap dries quietly in the dish,
And towels drink the wet From the skin of the back.
And the lovely repetition of stairs. A
nd what is more generous than a window?
Source: Another River: New and Selected Poems

bad mom?

Does every generation agonize over their parenting or is it just ours?
My son resisted and fought me this past week - he refused to go to his nursery class. Somehow, something had upset him and he changed from his usual extroverted, bubbly self to this scaredy cat the moment it was time to step into the large room they began their day.
I was of course frustrated on multiple levels: what will happen to my daily routine if he keeps this up? what is really bothering him; did something awful happen? what am i to do that will best help him and me? why is this happening to me?....
The poor fella tried his best to explain about some fear he has. Next comes the needful conversation with the teacher, and a strategy to move this whole uhappy experience forward in a way that will help him embrace changes and develop courage.
All this time, I felt a strange sadness with lots of tears to swirl it all around in...
Perhaps it's how we expect life to be efficient these days; but we really rant and bulk when there are surprises and challenges don't we?
We can try our darndest to be prepared but there will always be something that can threaten to take us off course.
I finally found peace when I sat down with a cup of tea and read my Bible and a book I had with me. Then I returned to the challenge feeling more clear headed and calm hearted and I saw I all that was on my side: prayer, asserting myself for my child's interest, the support of spouse and friends.
Phew. He still fights it; but we will win this small battle together and we shall both be stronger for it! Way to go sweet son!

when our logic fails us

if we are honest, our brains often hit a limit. what is a brilliant, even heroic thought can be scratched further to reveal serious flaws...a moment of illumination can only bring light when subjected to hours of scrutiny. For example, the famous "how can God be powerful and loving if he sends people to hell?"
it sounds logical but then...begs several deeper questions, such as:
what does it mean to be powerful? what does it mean for God to be all powerful? what kind of power would that be?

Ditto to loving.

Just that today, we live so fast and have so much info overload we have learnt to tune out - and alas, we have successfully tuned out a bit too much i'm afraid. We land in quicksand security. Not solid, not stable, and really not safe!

We have got to be more than our coffee preferences, laptop model, fashion statement, even issue/campaign devotion. After all, we yearn for so much more!

what a start!

on the 9th day of the new year and everything looks ... (complete the sentence for yourself!)
for the first time in a long while i went out for supper...early on new year's day. when we got back; we thought we would check in to see how the major cities are partying to welcome the new year (i still dont get why we do that?)...then we got the news: fire in Bangkok and soon enough... one of us has passed on..
i am sure parties are designed to take us out of the gloom and humdrum of life give us a lift, escape, sense of adventure and some kind of wishfulness...
But
within every heart and into every national psyche a fear has invaded us like never before.
i remember feeling nervous when i was 15 and people were talking about a nuclear holocaust.
15 years later, we have that possible threat and more.
*the invisible hand of price that the great economist promised would regulate things for us rational beings did not.
* it's not a few people in power that can press the wrong button and kill us; it's many of us killing each other today with compromise, corruption, hatred and vengeance

Naturally i shield these things from my kids or share it with them very carefully. No child needs to grow up feeling frightened and powerless.

And then yesterday's papers tell of grievous things that happen when our hearts are troubled: an abused child, a beat up youth ....right here in safe, sensible, practical Singapore!

we can hope these things do not hit us, that we wont be at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people..we can pretend we are not afraid and chase a wild time..we can rant and rave...

or we can grief for our kind.
look inside out hearts
look for help

and then we can party, truly party - for time is short; and life is worth living fully, freely and well.

ham-mock-plane

no electricity & other thoughts

On something a little stronger than a whim, we took our kids, 8 and nearly 3 to Cambodia for a short family vacation. The grandiose vision is to challenge the kids to appreciate life (urban and affluent in comparison)...ha, they had a frolicking good time - never mind the food was different and we did not have electricity so it was total blackness once they shut the generator at 9pm. I guess for kids, they feel safe and happy as long as parents don't panic!

For me though, the trip triggered off many other thoughts:

1. cambodia is 85% subsistence farming and living. THey do not plan ahead, catch, grow, sell, buy and cook on a daily basis. They are at the mercy of weather conditions and corruption.
Well, urban, city, plan-ahead, try not to fail, get the best deal Singaporeans are unable to get it. Sure it's a nice change, but it's not a way of living we can accept i think...a friend who lives there told me she gets blank stares when she asks the youths what they dream to do or become. Considering their way of life, where education is still fairly limited and village-based...what did she expect huh? [then again, we also get blank stares here] come to think of it, in my poorer days growing up, my grand ambition was to sell char siew rice...

2. i felt extremely burdened and lost about how these poeple would come to know Christ. i feel this way each time i see small handfuls of households in a dirt-track village...but as usual God surprised me. Missionaries have lived here and yes there are christians. easy to miss since the pagodas and temples are gilded palatial structures next to bamboo and straw and wood huts! and yes, i dare say these Christians display a peace and joy that quickly bonded us together - even thoughin our hearts we knew we are worlds apart in every other sense...and whatever our context, we must let Christ sit squarely on the throne and work out our faith from that centre. Not good for us to impose our version/expression/flavour of faith on these good people...! though er, they translated a couple of Hillsongs into Khmer already! Unity and Diversity!

3. there was a small kindergarten in the compound we were at. the kids had no books but rote learnt from the only teacher who yelled at them and whacked her cane to get compliance...one child was chewing on a plastic bag. the guide told us plastic has made its way and is affecting the rivers and river-life. The vision of progress in most poor areas is alas the unsustainable, consumer-crazy model we offer them...something needs to be done about this!

Finally Phnomh Penh is pronounced with the 'p' sound!! it's not silent - and i think the Cambodians are not either! may they rise up and make a new sound in our world.

to India - finally!

after many years of wondering, i finally visited India last week. i have read about her, prayed for her, seen pictures, known people...but still, it was just too much to take in - and that when I was only there for three days and basically shuttled between hotel and conference centre.
the ride from the airport to the hotel took nearly two hours - it was 30km - a glimpse of the amount of human and automotive traffic that crowds the roads and streets.
the session i spoke at went uncomfortably. somehow i was not my usual extroverted self. i almost felt like apologising even though i had absolutely no doubt about the content of what i was sharing. i wanted to apologise for my abundance in contrast to what they had and will have for a long time to come. i was incensed to read about the factions and violence, and to see the pain of poverty in so many faces - drained of life and creative possibilities. in a land with only 50% literacy, i told my daughter, it is well nigh possible that the poorest are constantly misled and abused as they would not know better. i cried.
i am crying even now.

the airport we arrived in was new and it was small and simpler version of the early days of Singapore's Changi. the roads leading out were nice two-laned paved roads. i cannot help but wonder how much politilca will it needs to extend this same technology, funds and effort as those same roads radiate into a city that had no lane markings, very few street signs and a general lack of planning it appears. the city i was in was mild with small slums clustered right along the main roads. how can anyone with any power fail to do something to house, educate, feed, grow these lives? it completely baffles me.

i sat next to two Telegu women as i flew in and out of India. the both of them are married - arranged - and something struck me about them. they made no plans for their lives. it was something that happened to them: from where they live, to when they board the plane, to what's next.
Not us slick city ladies huh? we are so despearte to own and rule our lives.

i am going back to India - perhaps doors will open to essential change. i am going back - to open the doors of my own heart, to learn to let Life wash over me and lead me a little more.

what u looking for?

away from city! and other ideas

City life has become the epitome of power, prestige and pleasure. Bright lights, action, colour, hype..everything it seems comes from the city. So we keep flocking to form them, to be a part of one. it's a strange thing really. yes cities are exciting; but when it comes down to it, what human beings all over the world needs are food, friends and purpose. The city is rather a poor offerer of these things. So few jobs in the city actually produce food for example. I sometimes worry for Singapore since we rely almost completely for imports - to eat and just be alive.

I heard on the BBC that scientists with The Living Planet calculated that modern lifestyles will deplete earth's resources in 30 years! we either change or we better get lucky and inherit another similarly endowed planet.

Wow. i was driving my daughter back from school. i feel bad that at 8 years of age her carbon footprint is already so huge; even though we use very little air-con and the car ride is 10 minutes.
perhaps it's time for some radical ideas that will truly make the world a better place.

Everyone goes to a school nearby and walk - this means more exercise, more conversations and less traffic snarls.
Every product gets an innivation quota. Make no more than 5 new handphone models a year - this forces companies to actually make real innovations that count; not fancy footowork. We go for substance than sleek. We also work less crazy hours and have more time to live.
Every economy and industry submit a bi-annual audit of how they are contributing to the world's growth and health. - this makes coutrnies alrge and small think globally in more responsible terms and combats insular and short-term vision.

For a start: these ideas are really mad; but i keep thinking, why not? Who says that healthy = consumer confidence = spending?
Actually i dont feel very confident as a consumer these days: i dont know the quality of what i am buying any more! from whether it is safe to consume to whether it's truly worth my dollar...

IF you like these ideas, pass them on! Add on to them and write me!

to be fully alive!

on ze rocks!

i cannot believe it!
well, every so often i love to read about writers and artists...lifted and inspired to rarefied heights by their words and works; i am stumped by the frequency these wonderful beings are described by biographers as 'divorced' or had had 'a difficult relationship'.
i wonder what the connection is that causes these seekers of truth and beauty to suffer relational trouble.
perhaps it is in relationships that we are confronted most acutely with truth and beauty - or the lack thereof.
For an artist, the lack is not merely icing on the cake. it is the cake!
is that it?

tell me your thoughts!

a portait

here is the picture that looks back at me each time i get back to the lift lobby of the guest house i stayed in for four days in Bangkok. A friend who works there tells me that missing fathers and unfaithful husbands have come to be expected in many households.
So at first i had romanticised this picture and thought how much it made me miss my kids;
but the sad fact made this picture of a greater pain. True, where is the male figure in this picture?
What hope is this woman clinging to?