a lovely poem by Jane Tyson Clement:

"they are not mine"

enjoy the truth and feel freer --

Hermit me?

The local trains have been breaking down - something highly unacceptable in first world, super efficient Singapore where waiting is nearly anathema. But as I read the news and sense the frustration; something struck me -- I am not affected by it. Of course there is relief. Being one of a sightly different skein anyway, life by commute and cubicle is not my cup of tea.

But it also got me thinking if I am a bit too removed from what my fellow residents of this busy city go through...

The definition of a hermit is "any person living in solitude" (Oxford). Hmm.
The more popular notion is of someone distant, out of touch and a bit off-key with average humanity. Not exactly a term of endearment!

I suspect many stay-home-moms (or other kinds of caregivers and those with a vocation that isnt the typical 9-5 arrangement) can at times feel rather cut off. I have commiserated with other moms about how lost we feel in the shopping district Orchard Road.

If being a hermit is to prefer solitude, then in many ways I am. The extrovert no less. Solitude is a habit that becomes a posture that becomes a shape. It is the habit of perferring and so making time to turn inward toward self in examination and upward in adoration. Good hermits do not encrust with hard unfeeling shells. Instead, the journey into the deep parts of life; my life, reveals the dark and light shades that would otherwise be neatly cubby-holed as right/wrong/trendy/etc.

Upon further reflection too, i realise that I observe, understand and have the boldness to speak about life and into lives precisely because i am not too enmeshed and needy of it.

My heart goes out to those whose schedules, plans and people to attend to get disrupted. It is truly a test of our resolve and intentions. How much will we pursue our plans when the trains don't bring us there with ease and on time?

Filling out and Fuller-ing

Today I read Exodus 20 about the priest's role of ensuring that there is always incense before the ark.

Design wise, it is clear that this altar deserves honour and also, is ...portable! (as is the rest of the Tabernacle). This strikes me as the need to honour our times with God and to be able to take moments with God everywhere with us. It is called living life with reverence.

Then it says the priest must go in twice and keep up a steady supply of fragrant incense. This ties in with the need to go in twice to the Holy Place and light the candlestick that is there...

Morning and Evening, one day. Daily. Twice. Around the clock.

Fast forward to Paul's injunction to us in Thessalonians to pray without ceasing - day and night, around the clock.

While the priest undertook the instructions and had a limited view of the grand cosmic promise that lay behind and beyond what seems mundane acts; we have privilege view from the New Testament -- our prayers are as fragrant incense. God never tires of them. We are to ask him for Daily bread. We are to pray at all times in the Spirit with all kinds of prayer...and woven into this is a life posture of reverence, expectancy and peace.

It's wonderful to see how the Bible fills the understanding out and that things are becoming fuller...and one day shall be made perfect and whole!  

free to live

we feel so bound.
it shows up in a thousand ways.
laments, sighs, recriminations, accusations, questions, tears...
what is it we really want?
what is it we cannot reach out to?
what it is we cannot release?

why

set free
no longer in bondage
not bound
but
bounding
abounding
Grace led
Grace filled
Grace carried
Grace joy-ed

just a mind game
or more?

Follow @jenjedihh

First Confession for Lent

Again i miss it.
should have written it down on my super large co-ordinate family movement calendar.
but it's not an event.
should have put in a prompt or alarm in the phone or some on-line site..
but it's not a to-do item.

Ash Wednesday is today. it is now 1248hours. I have reminded by now, my known world on facebook and alerted my church family to Lent. But I have not yet kept the day myself!

Perhaps it's because this is as much a deeply personal practice as it is a community one.

I need to want to do this - and I need help to want to do this.

1250hours. The day yet not done. Just before the kids tumble through the door...

I go face myself -
in His Light
and Love.

Valentine's? Valentine's!

We don't really do Valentine's.
You have heard the reasons: cost, mush, rush, hush..
but really, it's a tad too lovey-dovey for us; we who are white knuckled from our grips...it's a bit too much to gaze, adore, fawn..when there is so much everyday to get through.
But guess what?
we are going for a dinner tonight. A Valentine's dinner!
I was almost afraid to ask. I who long for, fight, resist, and...all wrangled in my little girl fears..
how do we live with such hope and dread, fancy and frustration, anticipation and anxiety?  All of it all at once sometimes.
this invasion needs a countermanding Presence that brings quiet, calm and ...peace.
for it takes peace to receive and give love - and have a great Valentine's day dinner!

The GIFTS of faith, hope and love

We walk with God the way we always do life: in our strength. We count on our ability to study Scripture, to serve, to drum up 'faith', to 'love'..to 'hope' against the odds..
and we grow weary.


Life was never designed like that.


To really live - and yes, it only happens when we first stop this ingrained habit of self-actualisation (remember the sinner's prayer which is really a prayer of relinquishment?) - we catch a glimpse of that..and O! the peace, the joy and newness..and then, sameness creeps back in.
It isn't that we are in the wrong church crowd. It isn't that our Bible knowledge is too weak. It isn't that others are making it way too difficult for us to love them. [though all this is true of course]


It is that we have lapsed -
back to trusting ourselves to live our lives well, right, good, pure
and it just cannot be done.


Faith, hope and love - are gifts.
We receive them as we slow ourselves enough to.


I think this is what I will say to my neighbour, who is not a Christ follower, but otherwise many ways like me (we like a lot of the same stuff, rant about the system...haha):
we struggle alike in many things: marriage, children, meaning..but there is just this one difference between us. At a time in my life, I met Jesus and he is in my life now. Indeed He is my life now. i am still discovering what that means..but i have seen now that because he is the foundation, the steady, my struggles give rise to
faith - i believe they are purposeful and useful, even though painful
hope - i have seen things change, get better, been startled even!
love - i keep being loved to love better...


All gifts and Jesus opened the way, qualified me to get them.


And all these are invitations for me to live totally different: 
as a recipient and not as a rebel or engineer or critic
as rested not wrestling, weary, wounded (and licking my wounds and comparing them with others')
as resurrected not dying, dead or deadened.

Starting Clean n Fresh..and O how hard this is!

There was a time
when it was simple
to start over
just kick the dust
shame the shame
grin
grit - and -
go.

But with years
and a tad of wisdom
It just aint so easy
no more

resolve
resolute even
and sutbborn, rutted ways that have made a home
tracked all over your soul
permanently marking you
belonging
to the
broken
wounded
helpless

and sometimes, it seems, hopeless...

as a friend once wrote:
all broken up and dancing!
new wineskins
new moves
new steps
new

not imagined
nor dreamed
nor aspired
but
written in
Holy Writ
"songs of joy for mourning"
"dance"
"praise"
"hope"

Your word or mine?
Your voice or all these other voices?

Jesus
set his face toward Jerusalem
for mission..perhaps (they can arrest him elsewhere couldn't they?)
but for worship - certainly - for the Great Passover is coming!

Where in the buffeting winds of demands
dark forecasts
possibilities
do I set my face? and feel the Wind?

"...carried by Grace, held in Your perfect peace.."

and Your solutions to daily needs
large challenges
fantastic Living
comes...

always has been
always will be
always must
You.

Come 2012, I am not alone.

2012?

2012.
I am sure when I was twelve, I could not fathom this in any calendar.
But here I am, at the threshold of it.
it is a big deal - this passing of time. For it's a ticking of our heart and an inching towards the inevitable: our very own passing.

Today, i saw an advert for snail cream. You heard me.... to SLOW down (get it?) the signs of aging from acne to wrinkles.

Go ahead, look good, eat rich, travel wide, so much! But the inexorable force called Life and Death tugs at each of us daily and really, the direction is clearly marked. How can such a simple truism escape us? How can it fail to wake us to 'number our days' and pursue wisdom?

Because the Invitation to really live is daily drowned out by a well-thought and worked through scheme which surrounds, invades, cajoles, convinces us by the moment: this is all there is. So,

 Take it all. If you don't, someone else will. Nothing is safe, no one is secure...take it now.


This mantra is there in pictures, words, sounds, voices. We seem unable to escape. It feels easier to succumb (nicely worded as 'go with the flow').

But then comes a precise point in time. When LIFE rent asunder this madness and denied its power and grip. When LIFE chose the lowly, unlikely, weak and un-esteemed...and whispers through the cold wind, the desperate cries of broken-hearted mothers and the fantastical proclamations of angels to those who could hear.....

Goodwill to men
Peace on earth
Joy!

Since that point in time, we have moved on - many moons, generations, wars and gods later..
and LIFE's invitation continues to ring out in the smile of a infant, the chuckle of a child, the mad dash of a boy let free, the embrace of lovers who know love, the hands that touch kindly, the old woman who prays daily...
each one a tear in the fabric of this tightly woven, suffocating, cloak of inhuman-ness.

and one day, it will be torn asunder and the Glory of LIFE will shine through full.

CHORE-deal countdown!

We returned from Batam on Fri evening and leave for KL on Sun noon.
We have now done 3 loads of laundry in my 5kg machine that is missing a button but still works. We coz i set it up, Abi helped me sort the clothes, the machine goes and then Abi and/or Keith helps bring me the hangers, take down the previous lot...fold ...complete with --

"come on, you can do better than that"




"Keith, just think - everything must become a square or a rectangle ok? neatly now..Abi for goodness! show your brother how to do it....."
"Abi. i taught you all these things patiently..do the same for your brother!"


And God is on my side with sunshine each morning!

i just re-folded the lot Dad tried to fold ! Thankfully he didn't go all glum when i hollered

"i think i need to give you a quick tutorial on folding clothes"...He's at the PC - me tuned out?

It is easy to fixate on the back ache and the grumpy attitudes that inevitably surface..esp when the kids go on about 'hey, this is NOT my chore!'...but thank God's Grace..better ideas invaded my mind. So i slowed down, sat down and while foldng clothes, washing dishes or eating dinner, said.

" what do we do as a family?"
Keith: we help each other
"what do we do when we dont know how to help?"
Keith: we learn or ask someone to show us
"Abi?"
Abi: ya..(returns to her book faster than my next breath)
"i want us to be a happy, family where we help and work together. it is up to us to make our home clean, organised and a place of joy. And each of us needs to do our part ok?"


we pray for Grace.

But just as we are learning this...and they say it takes eight weeks to develop fresh habits..we leave for KL and if all goes as plan, we return to a nice clean home coz my helper would have returned!

THINK fast!

An opporturnity for growth and change must never be squandered....we will visit this in KL - how we have grown and how we can cherish and stay in the growth path.

CHORE-deal continues...

A wave of weariness lapped up and i missed the convenience of having a live-in help. But the sunshine of regaining control, re-imagining family life perks me up each time...In fact, this little kiddy refrain competes with the Christmas carols in my head:
"this is the way i do the laundry, i do the laundry, i do...
this is the way i do the laundry, so early in the morning"

It's fun planning the menu, buying stuff, cooking it all up.
It's fun doing the clothes, putting them away, glad that my family is dressed in clean, sun-warmed clothes and the towels are soft and fluffy again.
It's fun reorganising things to make them more tidy and efficient
It's fun to plan on all the helpful gadgets i will get to help me go about the chores more quickly...that twisty floor mop, the power vacuum, the ...
It's definitely fun to watch the hubby chip in and bark the kids around a bit!

But this mountain we need to climb over in time: me being tired and the children maturing to understand that all this is kindness, collaboration, teamwork, home-work, and Love.

Interlude: Advent Meditation 1 (Chore-deal Log will resume...)

A Quiet Morning

~ Season of Advent ~

Themes:

Longing

“how many of us share the longing of the ancient prophets who awaited the Messiah with such aching intensity that they foresaw his arrival thousands of years before he was born?

What am I longing for at this time?

Do I long for anything?  Is it Christ – who is my Life? Or am is so full of plans, thoughts and ….stuff…even pain, that my capacity to long for Christ is squelched? And i live like the walking dead…going through the motions and resenting, ranting, griping when things don’t go my way?

Do i  dare long for anything? Have i given up hope for change, newness, transformation because it seems i have waited so long?

GOD show me what is going on deep within me. YOU alone see truly, fully and with full love..

Welcome

“can we welcome and fully receive what Jesus and what he brings if we our hands clasp so tightly to so much?”

What am I holding on to?

Amazing how such small hands can hold so much: the past (glories and regrets), the offence, the fears, anger…ambitions…questions, doubts..

Did i not ask to hold Your hand? Where is it? why am i not holding on to it – fast and tight? When did i let go….was it because i was..

Distracted

Distressed

Disappointed

..and i let go, and began to fill my hands with all these other things?

GOD, pry my grip open. I don’t even know totally what i am able to let go. But i need Your hand that never lets go. I release my grasp.

You have laid your hand upon me (Psa 139v5).

Readiness for action

“Advent is expectancy…. and also readiness for action: watching for God to open a way and being willing to step in, risking everything… for a new beginning…”

Will I follow when He shows the way?

O GOD, i can sense You are at work. There are invitations. The wind of the Spirit blows..but i am so slow to rise and follow. Still so occupied to really notice. Shadows of my past lurk around… saying i can never be fully free, reminding me harshly of failed attempts..accusing me of pride, discontent – all working to force me to retain the status quo. Give me courage to believe, to see, to trust, and to follow.

Lead me on level ground (Psalm 143v10)

CHORE-deal Day 3

"Instant Lagsana"..and then as i read on, it said "..bake for 45 mins"!. Drats! Dinner will be late and I have an appointment too...
So far, we haven't really had one of my afore-thought-through so very carefully, well-planned days.
Today, the kids who slept in the living room sofa bed and struggled to wake up..brother had a feverish feel.
We were meant to go for appointments so some quick decisions were required; which also included: can he eat his butter toast or would he prefer oats (which of course sets in motion a different set of chores ie. wash one more pot!). Thankfully, no, not really he says...
With the strong sun, i quickly sun his pillow and blankie (sun kills germs said my mom) and put the towels to wash. i was glad i woke earlier and most of the floor was already cleaned. Sister was set to clean her room with the Magic clean floor dry wiper. She was impressed with the dirt she picked up! [dont we all adore results!].

With brother unwell, my position on the superior value of home-cooked meals was sealed. O great, i have some stew left..macroni soup is always easy when you've got something to stew it in. Yum.

Most of post-lunch, i was in a meeting; but work from home meant knocks on the door...
"mom, sis is not sharing the book she bought"
"mom, can we watch TV?"
"mom, how long will you take?"

as well as me zipping out,
"sis, quick fold these clothes [imminent rain]"
"little brother, are you drinking?"
"hey, who is responsible for this mess?"

Then came the lagsana saga. Dinner was forty minutes late, but no one minded coz' they were all playing Wii....until I said, "Dad, can you help me with the floor cloths later?", "Who is setting the table?" ...and after dinner,
"O no! which sponge did you use for the dishes dear?!"

The house stands. My back is upright. There was some fray in motivation -- but we are doing ok!