Step out into the Beckoning, adventure awaits

The sights that dazzle us, that draw us, that hold us spellbound -

How long, and how much of it do we -

enjoy 
revel 
delight
relish
cherish
drink

?

True, we are travelers. We will never be able to cling onto, hold onto, possess any of this. But travelers are not tourists. Tourists want a whiff and make the best of the buck collecting these whiffs of transcendence, purity, silence, majesty, magnificence.

And what if the way our souls open up is the beginning of stepping forth into something larger, an adventure, the Beyond that beckons? Which means that quickly, moving on to the next thing; causing our souls to shut again, is saying No to the Beckoning?

We believe too little. Our dreams are recycled notions. Everything passes us and slides into commonplace: like/instagrammed/tweeted. Short takes on deep things.

Like cliches. Platitudes. Or attitudes like, 'been there, done that'. 

Christmas is coming. Or is it just passing by, while you and I stay dead centre, watching it like window dressing as we move on with the train of humanity, on and on. More likes/pins/tweets?

And what if we are missing so much because we are unable and unwilling to really enter what beckons us? 

The last few months, I have been sensing an Invitation to journey deeper. It's hard to see how I can fit one more thing into my schedule. But the issue is deeper: i seriously doubt my capacity to handle more of whatever it is God has in store. I am confronted with the paucity of my soul. I am content with my small collection of sea shells of spiritual knowledge and experiences. 

"The sea shells tell you there is a wide open sea ahead!"

"I can't swim well! It's too dangerous for me to venture out there."

"Have I ever left you on your own?"

Do you too sense an Invitation? 
What is your response?

I finally offered my weak desire and take tentative steps towards the water.


All around us God beckons us - to live and to give, to enter and endure, to enjoy and enforce.

Watch for it this holiday season.

Maybe you are blessed to make a trip this holiday. then do slow and drink deep of what is set before you. No need to post a picture. Instead, scratch some notes on your soul -

why does this stir me so?
what may i have forgotten?
where is it leading me?

And if you venture outside your home, you will be bombarded with Consumer Christmas. How can you resist all that draw to be cool, hip, up-to-date, well-dressed, well-fed; and instead consider -

"..the time is coming when he'll make the whole area glorious... 
The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light. 
For those who lived in a land of deep shadows - light! sunbursts of light! 
You repopulated the nation, you expanded its joy. 
Oh, they're so glad in your presence! 
Festival joy! The joy of great celebration, sharing rich gifts and warm greetings... 
For a child has been born - for us! the gift of a son - for us! 
He'll take over the running of the world. His names will be: 
Amazing Counselor, Strong God, Eternal Father, Prince of Wholeness... 
He'll put that kingdom on a firm footing and keep it going with fair dealing and right living, 
beginning now and lasting always..." ~ Isaiah 9 (The Message version)

Is Christmas a dream?
whose dream is it?
dare you share the dream?

a retreat experience

retreat /rɪˈtriːt/ - a period of withdrawal for prayer, meditation, study, or instruction under a director

According to all battle strategies; there is a time to retreat.

When -

We forget we are in a war. 
We don't build in the strategic moments of retreat. 
We face defeat.

God in His loving, attentive, all-wise way, beckons me to step away, leave it all, and go to a quiet place to rest, to hear, to rec calibrate ... in order to engage the battle with fresh vision and strength. My disobedience to my Commander-in-chief will lead to horrid outcomes.

Retreating is not a luxury. It is a necessity. And I nearly missed it.

After setting my heart and arranging to take a retreat; I made a last minute decision (upon my dear husband's strong support) to attend a 5-day writing-related conference. This was going to be just before my retreat dates; taking me away from home for more than a week. 

i tried to reason that perhaps i could kinda retreat during my conference if i stole pockets of time. But the very first day of conference, I was uncharacteristically exhausted! It looked like i couldn't even enjoy and benefit from the conference; much less burden it with one more agenda: God. 

Also, i needed and wanted to give Him undivided attention. 

Good thing I did not cancel my retreat plans!

Yesterday at Bible Study, we looked at that familiar verse from Mark 1v35:

"and while it was still dark, Jesus arose and went to a quiet place.."

We were asked: what did Jesus do in the dark and quiet when he met with God?

Did he look at the stars and remember the long-ago promise God gave to Abraham his ancestor?
Did he review the day's route and asked for God's-Positioning-System?
Did he ache over the faces and lives he encountered?
Did he grapple with his humanity?
Did he talk about each of his disciples by name?


What do you do when you get to a place of quiet with God?

Quite often in the past, I went into a retreat time with many burdens, questions and longings. My last retreat I went with a huge need to find direction as I was feeling so out of sorts with where I was at. I was doing what seemed right but it did not bring me peace and I felt my soul warping with frustration and pride.

Weeks earlier, I had several questions I wanted answers to at this retreat. But when I got to the place and set my things down in the bare room; I was unable to find or frame my questions.

A simple and bare space can do wonders for us. It seemed to strip me of the questions and longings that clung to me. As I shed all the things I usually surround myself with - no more laptop, familiar books, the cat (!), the schedule, responsibilities and noise... suddenly there is this sufficiency, this simplicity. I tried in fact to dig around because when I was busy and filled with much to think/say/do; the questions pressed on me with urgency. But now, they lose their power and their claim. So I stopped. I reminded myself that being on retreat is to receive care from the One who knows me completely. I gladly opened my hand and let Him lead the moments.

If you have never known the freedom of having no datelines, no whatsapp, no emails, no one to answer to...then you must go on a retreat! Simply being on your own with nothing to achieve/settle/ resolve is a most freeing experience. it is not that your troubles are all sorted out; it's just not the time for it. In fact, we are so used to being a problem-solving mode that we really need a break from it; in order to come back fresh.

I ate my meal quietly; it was all set out. I did not need to fuss over what to eat. There was just one option. I did find and enjoy the last green-tea packet though! Again, the mind gets to rest, the body gets to slow. This in turn allows the deepest part of us to surface.


I went to the lounge area and looked at some stuff on a table: art paper, two tins of fabric with needles and thread, a large bottle of buttons. In a cupboard I found markers and paint and glue. I walked away to sit in a large armchair and began exploring a huge hardcover book on Thomas Merton's art. A most charming title isn't it?

But my heart felt drawn to return to fiddle with those buttons. I flipped and read slowly; then I got up and went to the table. 

Not quite sure what i was going to slap together, I picked out some fifteen buttons that caught my eye. The word 'mystery' had been floating around so I wrote that down on the middle of the page. With a oil pastel, I drew a thick red line across the paper. Finally i drew and then stuck the buttons on. 

I selected a few books I found and took them to my room.

In the evening, I started to journal. The pages filled out quickly! The spiritual director I arranged to meet had suggested a few Scripture passages. I read those familiar passages and listened. As i journal; i realised those passages helped me to pray about the questions I had. It was good to turn the questions away from being a quest for answers to prayers that expressed my hope in a God who hears and answers.

sitting with Jesus

Over the next two days, God would let me know He knows exactly where I am at: the longing for clarity for my ministry, my recent dreams about a former church, entering a feminine season where loss and rejuvenation combine called menopause, growing children...

brave Mary

in the chapel

I felt something deep within me being filled up. 

Then the deepening impression. Joy. Joy, Joy. We need it but we are so afraid of it.

I prayed relinquishment.
I prayed hope.
i prayed about missing my mom.

i looked at my artwork and i knew its meaning would continue to unfold for me: there is mystery to life. But a river of redemption runs right through it. And along the way, God buttons us up where we may otherwise unravel or split apart.

When I finally packed my things, I was ready,and eager to be home.

Retreat to Advance.

Do I really need God?

Actually, you don't.

If what you want is to get by in life, make it rich, have a good time, mind your own business...raise some decent kids. I would say you do not need God. There are plenty of non-God people who do well in every department of life, from studies to marriage to phenomenal success.

In fact, I tried being an atheist once. Just forget about God la.

It lasted about a week.

This is why.

God is not an add-on.
He is not a secret ingredient for the best life.
The Heavenly Father isn't lonely.
Jesus isn't desperate for followers {as I tell it in my book Shed Those Leaves, his political non-maneuverings led him to a grisly death}
The Holy Spirit won't overpower / spook you because he needs to deliver / fill / use someone.

Human beings at our best spiritually is Religious. This means we think, do, define stuff that measures us as: up / down, in / out, black / white. And religion has got us all into a lot of trouble which we are still trying to climb out of.


We can get by without God. He has graciously and generously provided the air and water cycle plus basic causal links which we can use to generate food, shelter and even regenerate ourselves.
When we reach for God ourselves, we tend to create caricatures, totems and idols.

What the Bible tells us is not that we are bad people. Not that we must improve. Not that Christianity or Judaism is a pathway to God even. No, the Bible tells us,

In the beginning God.
At the end, God.

We come onto the scene at his breath. That breath makes us alive on multiple levels: able to eat, relate to animals, work creatively, govern, procreate, hear and respond to God with immediacy. That the breath returns to the Giver by orienting us towards Him in reverence, obedience, and union.

But the breath gets snuffed.

We need fresh breath to be truly alive.

I named this blog To Really Live because I started out on life with very little. I wore the same dress twice to birthday parties and another child pointed it out. All of my life I grasped at what it means to live. I was alive even if I was hungry often. I was alive enough to thrive through some harsh setbacks. I wanted to be alive emotionally, intellectually, creatively... to really live was my quest.

For many today, a full life is a busy life, or a pleasure-filled life, or a life where one is not denied what one wants. Some are more outward looking and a full life is about making a mark, leaving a legacy.

But to really live, we have to be really alive first.

God says we need Him to be really alive.

With Him, it does not mean our lives are charmed. We speak of Grace, Favour, Providence, miracles. These are all true and we would be blind to deny they are real and experienced by many who trust God. Yet, our lives can also be filled with all the same issues and problems.

The difference?

It is to really live by that breath that turns us Godward so that we rise above ourselves. Our agenda is no longer ourselves. Our reward is no longer this-worldly. Our joy is no longer circumstantial. 

Jesus did a strange thing (especially to our sensibilities) when he appeared to his disciples after rising from the dead. It is recorded that 'he breathed on them'. That breath brings us right back to the first page of our story, when God breathed and brought forth a living being called man. It seems Jesus was re-enacting that; letting them know he is calling them to life.

{imagine the scene, being there and hearing the breath}


Perhaps pause now to hear (one of these):

Breathe on me by Hillsong

Breathe on me breath of God by Steven Green


And this fresh breath is sustained and swept up in a work of God that urges us forward to a vision of renewing earth, reconciling hearts, restoring hope that flickers within us. 

The story of how the disciples were struck by a wind that carried flames and loosed their tongues in Acts is the turn key event that establishes this grand sweep of a purpose no human can imagine or concoct.

The breath of God is God himself and He is afoot with mighty things that will thunder and billow upon this crusted terrestrial ball!

'to really live' quest lives on!

So I don't need God in a way.
But I cannot truly live without Him.

I was created in His image
To be in relationship with Him
In a way that brings Him glory

If I denied that, I am saying I don't need him.

What's your real desire?
Get on with life, or get on with God?

You are the best parents for your child(ren): the power of planning

Plan for peace.
Plan for growth.

I would never have believed you thirty years ago. To my plan-to-the-tee husband, I am about the most spontaneous person there is. (let me guess, you are married to an opposite too?) But I have come to see the power of planning.

You are the best parents for your child(ren) - plan for it to happen!

Married to a planner, I certainly had to learn to plan - in terms of telling him way ahead of time - what is coming around the corner; what I hoped to involve the whole family in (read: need his participation), and what outcomes I am working towards.I was chafing at it quite a bit; then I realised this: from day one that Parenting involved Planning.

When did I last feed the baby and from which side?

 She is going to outgrow her clothes!
 Which formula to wean her to?
 When are his exams.... so soon?!

But plans exist because they serve a greater purpose. 

We plan because it gets us somewhere! So the big Q is not whether you have a plan; but whether your plan will get you where you want to go?

Do you want a family that loves being together?
One that serves the community?
One where each person's potential is championed and supported?
A family where conversations are heartfelt?

Now consider the actual plans and priorities we have. Are we doing what helps us arrive at our vision, or sabotaging what we hope?

I still remember being asked when I chose to stay at home as a mother, "how can you give up the care of hundreds for one?". Yes, the Math did not seem to add up. But it was clear as a haze-less daylight to me. The hundreds can find another pastor; the child I bought into the world is my first direct responsibility. I will learn and I will enjoy this. That was the starting vision for me.

Along the way, I prayed and thought often about the vision of family and home life. With the vision, I put in place plans. The plans include:

 Good Health

 Spiritual Vitality

Diligence

Wonder at life


The plans always required me to seek these things in my own life and be a model for it. After all, more things are caught than taught.

I may have a helper to get certain things done; but holding forth a vision and living it out first, simply cannot be delegated. Grandparents, church and helpers cannot be expected to develop attitudes, habits and spiritual postures in children. It is the task of the parents to do so.


 Living cannot be delegated.

To have children who are interested in life, secure, who develop empathy -- I needed to be all these myself first. Plan . to . grow .


The pace of life in a city like ours can keep us panting. I know some full-time stay-home mothers who basically plan car routes, meals, tuition and recreation. They are ferrying their children from one thing to the next. Well, there are plans, and there are plans.


A plan is basically a roadmap to get from here to there. It considers the outcome, the resources, the possible hiccups.

In order to go away on a personal retreat to recharge myself, I needed to plan for caregivers, emergency phone numbers, even to plan a time to prepare the children (and their father) besides the aspects related to the retreat itself: booking a spot and preparing my heart.



But it is easy to be so caught up with the daily demands that we hit 'cruise'.

I drove a car once on a highway in the United States and tried the 'cruise' button'. The car basically drives itself! You just needed to hang on to the steering. My cruise mode lasted no more than ten minutes. It felt honestly scary. I wasn't sure if my reflexes would be good enough for me to change mode when something called for it. Crusising was relaxing and it was easy to become less alert I felt. Also, cruising happened at a minimum of  50km/hr speed and it kept at that speed. This meant that I could not slow down at will to take note of any thing I saw along the way. Everything would be given the same length of attention. Things would get monotonous and become same-same -- lowering alertness and increasing the risk of accidents.

Life can run on cruise mode too! Just the same basic motions everyday: wake self, wake kids, pack them off to school, start working/worrying, chores, the homework drills, more chores, maybe a little TV, crash into bed. It can end up feeling like a never-ending highway of things to get done. {for some parents with children who need special attention; this situation is very real and much more tiring}.

To avoid a 'cruise' situation, set aside time to plan.

I'll be cheeky and say this: all of us basically have a 'plan' to get through each day: grit and grin it.

Ok, seriously, here's how I do it. Remember I am not Mdm Systematic.

1. the daily just-in-case I forget something
I have important dates, details and datelines written on a whiteboard for everyone to see. There is even a message section for me to leave 'reminder' or 'cheers' depending on my emotional state! The schools hand out so many letters I found sticking them on the fridge felt so cluttered; instead reading it through and writing out the important bits helped us focus.

2. the weekly check-it-twice
Yes, don't we just love how the school and tutors have to shift things around {and we are talking pre-haze days}. CCA is particularly notorious at the Secondary level and of course, all the project work. The kids used to like to download the information and hoped I was listening. Nope. I was blogging dearie. We both got frustrated. So I learned to really listen, to write it in the calendar or phone or whiteboard (very useful). Slowly, I taught them to plan their week, to anticipate changes, and NOT to assume our schedules are wrap around theirs! "If I don't hear from you early enough, you take public transport, or go without that necessary tee-shirt or extra pocket money...". With both ends learning to plan, things are far better these days.

The weekly plan is not just for activity. Like I say, plans exist to support a vision. So there are already priority items on the plan: personal time with God, family devotion, church, caring for grandparents, and so on. I also include our meals as part of this weekly plan. The menu and shopping cart has some items that are served each week so as to ensure that we have a healthy diet.


3. the monthly pray-it-over-again
Humans are not static and neither are our relationships. We are habitual it's true and it can appear hopelessly beyond change. But kids - their habits can be shaped. Each month (it turns out more or less to be so as I will worry about them regularly: are they faith-filled, sutdying hard, up to mischief, hanging out with wrong peeps, onto porn {gasp}..maybe it's PMS-related), yes, more or less monthly I set aside some time to plan their growth.

Any thing to address? Any concern to dig around? Any issue blocking our relationship? This is the time I pray for insight into each child, and then make some specific plans to talk to them / take them out. A lot of it is not to 'fix' them; but just to share their interests and support their growth. I find so much peace here when I am able to release my fears to God. I also get all excited about being able to spend intentional time which will become a precious memory if not a wonderful time to align and form stronger habits.
My journal has sections specially with each child's name on it. It's cool to parent together with God!

Parenting is hard work. But it is meaningful, beautiful work. And anything worth doing calls for effort and sacrifice. 

A plan makes the art come to pass.


What art are you making as you parent?
What plans do you have?

You are the best parents for your child(ren): how to love to bits and build character

Very often, we see building character and loving our children as being at odds. Character building somehow has this boot camp dimension to it. 'Toughen them up' is the mantra; especially for fathers {pl read this guys!}. 

Ok let's unpack this and get it clear in our hearts and heads.

The foundation for all character formation is RELATIONSHIP. This simply means that the quality of our relationship with our children determines everything else. And the nature of the relationship between a parent and child? L-O-V-E of course.

It would seem a no-brainer. Of course we love our children to bits! {then why don't they appreciate it and behave better?}

Ah, but I found that there are two things that get in the way of our love and, in the end, it gets in the way of their character formation too.

Number 1: when the child doesn't feel it.

One of the first and most helpful parenting books I read is titled How To Really Love Your Child ! That set me thinking...what does love feel and look like to a child? What does it look like to a certain personality, through certain seasons, and in specific situations?

And the answer isn't difficult - if - we take the time to see and feel from their perspective. How does a young child or a teen feel? Not that differently from you!

Like you and I, they want to be noticed, to be cheered on, to feel safe to share their struggles and not be judged, to be supported, to have someone say, "I understand"...

But as life is really choices x time; we need to really ask if we make the time and what choices we make with those times.This video which many mothers took offense at was rather poignant: do you really know your child? {click to watch video}

My son was a near perfect baby. He was easy to care for, coos sweetly to himself and soaks up the wonder of the world. He never cries when he awakes; he babbles. He was enthu about everything (okay, except eating. I did say he was near-perfect!). But as he grew, things began to surface. He was much more afraid of new challenges that his sister ever was. He wasn't going to just leap into your arms, be placed on a swing, or attempt to read. He resisted being tested and hated being taunted. He was sensitive to a fault about how others talked to him and handled his things. Naturally, it made for many socially uncomfortable, and even painful experiences. Add to that, he was hyperactive. Teachers were unhappy. Friends got upset. Even church wasn't a positive experience.

I could not love my son the way I loved my daughter. He would feel abject neglect and be a mess. He needed more, and different. He needed me to spend time almost everyday making sense of the world that he felt was cramming him; a world that was hard to survive in and navigate. To be honest, the journey was very painful at times. I had to absorb alot of misunderstanding. I had to let go of my expectations. I had to forgive him, myself and others because when a child cannot walk the straight line, he stumbles and steps on toes; and that's always painful.

Love for my son meant heartfelt listening, prayer, reading up on his personality and profile, a lot of perseverance to help him keep going, not give up, overcome hurdles... It is easy for a child like him to grow with anger, resentment and fear. 

I cannot be grateful enough for my choice to care deeply for my children. Our home life has a sweetness and together-ness that is so precious.

And recently, I read about 5 keys to helping children build character*.

The first key:

children need to feel genuinely cared for.

Bingo!

The triumph of character formation comes when I see him get back in and tries again. He told us that this term in school is his best ever because he has 'converted his enemies to become his friends'. Recently over dinner when I asked what I could pray for them, he said easily that he needed to be able to keep forgiving those who hurt him.

It's not easy to find that line between acknowledging his hurt is real and helping him toughen up and there are days I mess up! But I get back into the ring and fight my fears and grow my muscles. He is going to have to flex his own muscles soon; but it would not happen if he did not feel mine when he needed them most.

Where are you being the strength for your child?
How do you give them hope?
Does your child feel really cared for?

Number 2: when we cruise
The second thing that sabotages our love is our tendency to take things for granted. 

We all take things for granted. Every holiday, festivity, memorial we chant the same thing: "it's so easy to take each other for granted". I have said it. I am sure you have to. Sometimes with a deep tinge of loss even.

At work, it is certainly easy to feel taken for granted. Often everyone wants the credit but won't really share the hardwork! You can do good, sincere work that goes unnoticed and unrewarded. Then alas, we can come home and as parents, we can sure feel like we are being taken for granted! 

More than once, I had to re-teach my children the difference between request and demand! Familiar I am sure:

child: I want chicken rice for dinner

me: say, please may I have chicken rice for dinner.

And of course with a mighty teen, a convivial conversation can turn a sudden corner into a power tussle!

It's a hard calling this parenting thing. We have to dig deep to hit the Spring that never runs dry, because we have to keep showing up and loving while we may be feeling like it's all draining away and we are bone-weary, dry and brittle ourselves. 

Downtime is so important.

But, sometimes, we let go of the wheel and cruise.

School, meals, activities...can all become so routinized. Add to that the manic presence of the little gadget that immediately diverts you away from where you are and who you are with to friends and strangers whose images and ideas are so much more appealing... Yes, attention, care, warmth and understanding quotient nose dives easily rapidly! {if you need some help putting that device away, perhaps watch this: pay attention la .

So if we want to build character in our children, we need to watch for how we lapse into cruise; because it invalidates our love for them. We need to care for them in a way which they feel and experience as meaningful.


Here are all the 5 aspects of character development:

1. Express Care: Show that you like me and want the best for me.
2. Challenge Growth: Insist that I try to continuously improve.
3. Provide Support: Help me complete tasks and achieve goals.
4. Share Power: Hear my voice and let me share in making decisions.
5. Expand Possibility: Expand my horizons and connect me to opportunities.

Which of these speak to you?

* from The Search Institute's Newest Study of Developmental Relationships compiled in the book, Don't Forget the Families: The Missing Piece in America's Effort to Help All Children Succeed (Kent Pekel, Ed.D., Eugene C. Roehlkepartain, Ph.D., Amy K. Syvertsen, Ph.D., and Peter C. Scales, Ph.D.) says there are 5 keys to building character in children.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): 3 anchors for your kids' bright future

Go on and ask me. Yes, the Q:

how much is enough?

This question comes at us especially when we feel the harsh winds that augur breakage. Did I do 

teach
discipline
care
pray

enough?

Until bottle feeding became vogue so that we could mark of how many mililitres the little one drank; the babe just sucked, we felt lighter..and then it was enough, most of the time!

We have invented so many ways of measuring ourselves: weight and height charts, growth goals, nutritional intake charts, and of course the all-important school grades. It's little wonder we ask ourselves this Q. 

Just that it's really hard to actually measure many things in life; especially those that matter.

Did we love enough? Some days it just doesn't feel like we did - and it's often those days we've worked to our bone already! Or maybe we tried what worked before; but it doesn't work this round.

So to be honest, I don't know when any of it is enough. 

But perhaps that's the wrong question after all. 

We may be better off starting off with a vision of what life is all about and preparing our children for it. For those of us who live and love with a view of eternity, here are 3 things to anchor on: 

1. soak them in Scripture

Religion is boring. Truth is not. The Bible is truthful about the human condition. The Bible brings forth Truth by recording for us who God is and what the world is about. The Bible can surface truth in our hearts as we let it wash over us.

One of the most astounding things for me to this day is how both my children are drawn to God because of the pictures, stories, wonder, awe, and reality they encounter in Scripture. I felt I rarely needed to explain or defend God to them. He is there within the pages. My son said spontaneously when he was three that he really wanted to meet Jesus!

A side benefit: mothering in the earliest days was a lot of daily humdrum. Singing the songs of faith - fun, quirky, contemplative - were life-savers for me. The beat helped keep my feet moving and the music drew child and mother into a larger circle.

2. show them how you get through the hard stuff

We all want to feel secure. Yet life can throw so many surprises at us. Job losses, friends turning away, romance all but fizzled out, repeated disappointments... Children get their share of disappointment too. The sudden rain. The haze. The toy that cannot be shared / bought... We need to live through these things without becoming a cynic or a crusty old soul.

In your choices, your prayers, your countenance (yes, smile still), children find hope and build resilience as they watch us breathe deep and walk on.

3. seek big dreams {and don't conclude too soon}

Perhaps 1 in a million kids really have a clue what they want to be and do. They may change their minds still.

One of the things we regularly forget is how wonderful ordinary is. There's nothing 'ordinary' - not as Mother Teresa reminds us, when we do little things with great love!

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." ~ Galatians 5v6

Faith is believing in something you don't quite yet see. {Wait, don't get carried away with your unfulfilled dreams and beware trying to live your life over again through your children!}. It is really hard to imagine how our children will finally turn out. I have certainly met enough parents who have sighed a huge relief that after tempestuous years; the children emerged right side up after all!

The object of our faith then cannot be the future we dream up. It is faith in Someone, rather than something. Faith that Someone cares deeply and walks daily with you through the loops and twists.

And here's a warning: don't get all besotted with the spectacular. It is so easy these days when children can sing, dance, cook, and who knows what next!  I am truly amazed at the capabilities of these children. But I take care not to let my children seem less because of the glare from these shining, stunning ones.

Also, it's important to distinguish between what is spectacular and what is truly useful. I borrow these wise words from Eric Massanari:

Our excitable minds are easily drawn to all that appears exciting, attractive, innovative, and extraordinary. What’s more, the mind has an amazing, natural capacity for categorization and evaluation; we are quick to judge our experiences and encounters as pleasing or displeasing, welcome or unwelcome, holy or unholy. Given these tendencies we can be found grumbling our way through the mundane, anxiously suffering through the pain, and chasing after transient moments of pleasure. An entire consumer culture has been built around our preferences, trying to sell us all manner of things and experiences to amplify the pleasure, avoid the boredom, and anesthetize the pain.

{ The stories of scripture are full of women and men who are learning how to perceive the presence of God in the midst of their daily rounds and the shadowed valleys of their lives }

This isn’t just a modern phenomenon, of course; it is an old human story, as the biblical scriptures attest. The stories of scripture are full of women and men who are learning how to perceive the presence of God not only in moments of spiritual clarity and joy, but also in the midst of their daily rounds and the shadowed valleys of their lives.More than one character in the Bible echoes the words of Jacob who, surprised by God in the middle of a particularly barren moment, says: “Surely the Lord is in this place—and I did not know it!” (Genesis 28:16).

With faith-eyes, we seek to focus in on the daily Holy; but just in case we get all uptight {and some of our personalities are pretty strong on right/wrong spectrum} the verse says that faith needs to express itself in a loving way.

So guide your children lovingly to the One who knows and loves them without end. Help them discover dreams that are useful, work that adds value, creative endeavours that bring positive change.

Of course, along the way, you will be racked with many moments of doubt.... I always thought my daughter will make a great lawyer; or perhaps not....Not going to Law school after all? It's not the end of the world! It's not even the end of the story of her life. In fact, setbacks, obstacles and detours are part of what shape and define us.

Hold out those dreams that they will live large and love deep. Don't let who they are now fool 
you. Dream big and don't conclude too soon.


See God, real, present and at work. Help them take another step in the right direction.

Our destiny is found in our footsteps.
The imprint we leave is traced by  the footprints we make.

And the hope for our wrecked world? This -

credit: many thanks to Leunig!

3 tips for happier pre-school years {Parenting / Family Life series}

It doesn't happen often, but yes, sometimes we do things we didn't think we would.

What have you done for the first time - because - you are a parent?

credit: flicka.com

For the Explorer types, parenting can be a lot of fun because the whole world re-opens before you: books to read, places to go, that five-stone game you didn't quite master as a child...

I thrive and even find myself breathless trying to keep up with all the 'good stuff' we can do! Children's art festival, picnics, playdates, indoor and outdoor play, museums, library, wildlife reserves...as Dr Seuss says, 'there's places to go and things to see'!.

Hey, if you can, don't take on a full-time job just yet, because these few precious years won't come round again, ever. The pre-school years (if you don't make the mistake of filling it up with structured enrichment) is an amazing time to bond, bond, bond!

What's the big deal with a strong, abiding bond? Things are built on it. It's called a Foundation. Loose pieces not quite fitted don't provide the same foundation.


Back to exploring, doing, going out. Just a little sense I learnt in 3 D's:

1. don't exhaust yourself.

Doing stuff is not collecting stars to say you are a better parent. Don't go rushing off to all and sundry activities. Don't get all worked up that you missed that event (especially if it's free) as you gaze at the happy faces of your friends' kids on Facebook.

Tired = grumpy = inattentive = no fun to be with!


2. develop a plan

A plan is a good way to provide some boundaries. Your plan should include: how much time/energy is required. What is the budget? How many activities per month is healthy for you? Are there specific interests or opportunities you want to seize? When my children were young, I had a chart something like this:

Interest to develop

Strength to develop

Possible explore/fun

I made a list of things to do and then see if it fitted my time/energy, budget and schedule. I also thought about whether I was genuinely interested / willing to be interested to do those things; because really, what's the point of plonking them somewhere while we are busy with our devices?


As the children grew older, I encouraged them to plan for the holidays using something similar.

Time is too precious to squander away in front of the TV or just idling. Their minds and hearts are hungry to grow and are being shaped by what they do or don't do.

credit: sestram.wordpress.com

3. dat was fun!

Never make the mistake of turning everything into 'learning'-- you know, quizzing them. 'So, what did you learn?'. Unfortunately, the school system will make learning take on a negative hue so you will be adding to the burden on their little shoulders. I am huge on learning so this is sometimes an area where I go overboard. I would fret if an activity wasn't really 'useful'. O what a killjoy I can be!

Children have a way of sniffing out fun and liveliness... so just relax and see the fun in it all. Besides, learning is always happening and is most effective if you are genuinely interested and invested in it.

One of our favourite memories is making a big deal of post-rain puddles. We take time to put on raincoats, pick out an umbrella...all to jump in the puddles that formed, and then coming back to a warm bath and snack. Or how about a walk to nowhere in particular for half a hour?


A cautionary note: it's very important to take note of how your child feels about changes. Some kids don't do well with changes, new activities and unfamiliar people. Clearly, that won't be fun. So don't push it. And did we say, parenting is about first-time stuff? Well, for some of us, it will be a first to be genuinely still interested in that story we have read fifty times, "sing that song again?"... Learn to enjoy a regular trip to the playground with endless minutes on the swing. Seriously, if you have a kid who loves the regular stuff over and over; it's a gift as you can actually use that as down time. {do you have any idea how hyped you are most times?}

Well, 'dat was fun!' is the attitude that goes far to bond you! Remember, happy parents produce happy children!


Of course, Explorer types are typically married to Entrenched types who prefer the world of safety, the familiar and planned-way-ahead. In the early years of parenting, the differences in a couple actually get accentuated. Very few couples agree on how to raise their kids, what to spend time on, where to go... even who to hang out with (especially if it's with 'other parents').

So yea, not always a happy camper I. But I'll talk about that another time.


Your turn:
1. What are some ways you enjoy bonding with your child(ren)?
2. If you basically an Eeyore, how can you lift your spirit and theirs up?

You are the best parents for your child(ren): from praying for change to being changed -Uncommon prayers for your marriage

Our prayers for our spouses can be summarised in one word.

Yes, I have prayed those prayers and talked with countless women about their men and how we all pray... The word is -

c.h.a.n.g.e.

credit: Mashable

We need our guys to change.

Along the hi-ho way we discover to our chagrin that we aren't the matching Lego pieces. There are those awkward, sharp pointy edges that just get on our nerves -

not providing enough
not talking enough
not helping enough
not attentive enough
not spiritual enough!

Wait.

I am scrambling through every page of the Good Book to see if there was ever a promise that there would be an Enough Spouse. Rats.

No.

I am in pieces.

[You can read the highlights of the story in my book When God Shapes a w.i.f.e. {book nook}]

So yea, the common prayer in marriage? To ask for change. And perhaps even the temptation to check out and find someone fresh and more fitting. Or to be guilt-wrecked for we done gone and married a non.


Many wonderful women plead for change on their part too. I have lost count of the times I stood in church and instead of singing; I am praying for my horrid attitude and complete lack of love. We are not so blindsided or proud to fail to admit that we are not-quite-perfect ourselves.

Then I remember.
Of course.

Prayer - it's about a sharing of the heart's cry with the one who formed the heart.


So dig deep friends.

Over the years of digging around, I have found some difficult to reach spots and some crusted, dry regions that won't break open easily too.

Our prayers rise up from the ground of our hearts.

The wife who was betrayed and in self-protection numbs herself from all expectations may even cease to pray. But it isn't just a matter of requests not named. It is a heart that is not healed.


So over the years, I have found that in looking at the pride, fear, and love-less-ness that still resides in my heart; I have been led to Uncommon Prayers for -

truth
courage
honest conversations
kindness
gentle looks
generous laughter
serving others
loving beyond ourselves

It is so easy to forget God has joined together so that it is no longer Me but We.

Spirit-inspired prayers always foster the We back into the soil of the marriage.

Pray for eyes to see yourself the way Perfect Love sees.
Pray for eyes to see your spouse that way too.

May you pray from the depths of your heart - yes, start with the complaints; but move the conversation further. As you unburden, the Spirit finds space to move within you and surface those prayers that He himself prays and will therefore resonate with an answer from heaven.