One Simple Solution To A Better {whatever} .....

Thank God for light bulbs. I mean the kind that comes on when you are not exactly even directly thinking about something and then -- zap! 

That's what happened last week and I want to share the zap with you. It's so simple, I kinda feel silly I never saw it before. Not only is it simple, it is powerful.

Here it is:

A lot of what we want in terms of our relationships and work and church 

don't happen because 

we hold back. 

That's it.

A huge reason why we hold back is because someone has not met our expectations.

The senior pastor cannot..
My spouse should... but doesn't...
The kids ought to be more...

Think about it for a while.

These disappointments have a way of causing us to hold back. 

We decide not to be party to what's happening in church. We withhold affection and tenderness. We skirt around the generous option so as to 'teach them a lesson'.

In a way this is part of our survival/defence mechanism and there is a place for it. We don't want to become rugs and be taken for granted or for a ride (though, have you been able to really avoid that?). But this same mechanism when it kicks in can hold all the potential and promise in a relationship hostage.

Many gifts are not developed and used.
Many deeper intimacies are not experienced.
Many possibilities may be left unexplored.

Again, I want to say there is a place to have job descritpions and expectations, but when people let us down, we don't have to let the whole thing get even lesser because we let our hearts grow cold, even cynical.

The Math is simple. If someone isn't doing enough, and we pull back, the sum total is less. 

On the other hand, if we separate the need to deal with inadequacies and incompetence with our response and participation, then the scenario becomes more positive.

Find a proper channel and give the feedback.Write an honest appeal.Sit down for a vulnerable chat.

At the same time, don't stop doing the good you can and making the difference you can (the difference you make is actually very significant as it is unique to you).

Unless you hear what you can confidently say is God's word to you to act in a certain way, I think these two verses provide the parentheses for how we should respond:

Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ~ 1 Corinthians 12v15-17

This points out the truth that we make a difference, and it is a unique, needed difference. God has put us together in our marriage, family, churches (even though you made certain choices, but pause and think and you will see Grace stands behind it) for us to be a part of it. We are a part of it and have a part in it.

Again, I have been in that place of complaining and grumbling before and I know it has taken away from the whole. In fact, there is another little verse that should startle us. In Philippians 2v15 it says that if we can act without grumbling and complaining, we shine like stars that contrasts with the way the world operates!


Here is the other side of the parenthesis:

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. ~ Colossians 3v23-24

If we think of the first end of it as Engage. This other end then is about Excellence, not so much in terms of churning out the best piece of work, but in terms of directing the focus and glory of our efforts towards Christ. I have found it really hard to laze and be snarky when I work for Jesus, think about His love for me and the unending supply of Grace that always suffices as long as I stay connected to Him.

These two wonderful promises come to mind:

“I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples." ~ John 15v5-8, The Message Bible

I can do all things in him who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4v13, RSV

 Are you holding back in some way?

Why should our homes and churches and communities be less because we are missing your smile, your abilities, your ideas, and your energy?

Come on, Engage, with Excellence.

This week:
How can you address what's holding you back? 
What is one way you can brave it and give more of yourself away?

Let's see how it goes... and share your experiences back here in the comments please.

Announcing MEWSINGS: Life Lessons from a cat (co-written with my cat)

You read that right.

If you are not quite an animal lover type, please do bear with me.

But here are the indisputable facts: For several weeks, my cat responded to my 'come Chat's, it's time to write your book' by getting off her hindquarters and joining me in my study. I sit at my PC and she sits in my prayer chair.

No kidding. When I stall and start Facebook-ing, I often turn around to see her giving me her classic 'what do you think you are doing' look.

She was listening to my ideas, responding with eye squints, swishes of her tail or even turning her head away.

Alright, she was probably responding to my enthu. But hey, NO TREATS WERE INVOLVED. I resorted not to any form of bribery in the least. Praises, hugs and chin rubs are not bribes. They are communications of affection.

Now that you know the back story, get ready to read/share/love:

Print versions: order by sending an email to me at jhohuan@gmail.com

Introductory offer of S$12/ including postage (Singapore only)

Ebook versions at:

amazon

https://www.amazon.com/Mewsings-Life-Lessons-Jenni-Ho-Huan-ebook/dp/B071HB19G5/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1493797394&sr=8-2&keywords=mewsings

kobo

https://www.kobo.com/sg/en/ebook/mewsings

nook

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/mewsings-jenni-ho-huan/1126293176?ean=9781537897479

ibook

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/mewsings/id1231175051?mt=11&ign-mpt=uo%3D4

Chats has a lovely story and sensible wisdom that young and old can lap up.

Help spread the word!

Thanks,

Jenni & Chats

Far from home, close to Love - when mom goes away for three weeks!

I had expected more suspicious looks and carefully let-out recriminations that sum up as:

How Can You Leave Them?

It is the first thing that wormed within me when the email came that I received the scholarship.

I thought about how my mother didn't even buy herself anything fancy, visit a spa or expect gifts, until she had retired and our support had been steady and strong.

Just a generation away, and the responses I received were:

I am envious man
You deserve it
What an opportunity
Great break, go for it!

I am committed to grow as a person and in my vocation as a pastor-writer. Still, my mom-heart is so dead-centre in my being that the decision was anything but easy.

It isn't because I am a hovering parent. It's not even because of the son's exams. It's not that I fear they will unravel without me, for they won't.

I am the kind of momma who has knitted her soul with her children. I am pretty sure we haven't always made all the best choices for them, but my love is deep. My soul quivers, rises and falls sullen upon their childishness, their stubbornness, their strengths and weaknesses. My children affect me deeply, and I let them.

I think we affect God deeply, and He lets us.

But I am aware of a beckoning.
I sense a weariness in my soul.
Extended solitude is safety for the soul.
And it's time to write.

So I packed very slowly over a few days, quite unsure what I will need as I watch the weather. [It is a good thing I am a minimalist, so I am here with 4 sets of clothes and no hair dryer].


When I arrive, I know straight away this is a place their souls will come alive and miss them.

But this is a gift for me and I need to receive it.

The children are brave. Of course, they want to come. Of course, they blurt out that I am 'on holiday'. Of course, they are missing me. But the best love a momma soul can have? They believe that their momma is on adventure with God. They encouraged me and assure me that they will be fine!



We love to try to make sense of everything, but this hiatus is quite awkward to make sense of.

The productive ones who use a ledger want to know what i gained by this 'sacrifice' (so, have you written anything so far?).
The romantics want to see lovely pictures, read about my jaunts and share the adventures.
The worriers don't need to say anything, I am quite capable of conjuring worse case scenarios myself!

I only know God carved out this space and time for me. He will have the answers to the rest if I really need them, in His time.

So, till the end of April, please know that if you need to make any decision and it's not easy, it's okay.

And do pray for me to return stronger, more loving, and hopefully with some writing too.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): the real reason why I stay home

The real reason for things isn't always at first clear.

I always thought I chose to stay home because I grew up missing my mom who was busy with making ends meet and tending to a rambunctious brood of eleven.

Then of course, I thought it's about my vision for family life that was cultivated over the years, reflecting on what I lacked and what God speaks of in His Word about a new order and a new way.

Later, I felt strongly that the choice, not hard at first, but harder as the years go by (due to tiredness, seeing friends move so much 'ahead', not quite using some of my gifts), was about learning to live the cost of my convictions.

But today, the real reason suddenly presented itself to me.

God was making His home in me as He journeyed with me to make a home for my small family.

I am not sure what you feel as you read this. Maybe read it again?

Did you get that? Staying still, being small, all those feelings of insignificance, seemingly missed opportunities, living with less, trying to be true to my calling and gifts... all of what feels like loss has led to my greatest gain.

I am at home with God my Father, I know the experience of His being present, alive, living in me. I feel a security that no one else can assure me of. There is a largeness and largesse that no success or rank can offer. 

"The very credentials.. I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash - along with everything else I use to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I thought i had going for me is insignificant...so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him" ~ Philippians 3v7-9  The Message Bible

Contrary to popular notions that says the SAHM is a frustrated woman with a dour, shriveled existence, I have grown large and deep, enough to welcome the Maker. He is not a rare visitor, the A&E (or ER) paramedic that comes running. He is not an ethereal sensation. He is right here, right now, happy to be at home in and with me. I have harvested the fruit of persistence, patience and resilience through the many repetitive, humdrum days and nights. I have seen the fruit of wisdom grow in my life.

It takes a special grace to see that God is with us in the mundane (we are so silly to always connect the Divine with the spectacular, I mean, earth is exciting, but God has the entire Universe people!). He chose to come live among us didn't He, and said He would always be with us.

It takes a special Grace to sense God's working in what seems to be so little, so simple, so slow.

It takes a special Grace to fight the trends and voices all around, and eventually get to the place that you recognize the Voice that really matters.

And staying home, where there seems so little stimulation, where you may be craving better food and conversation, is like an extended time of solitude for God to come by, if we would invite Him to. 

Some of us are called to bear heavy crosses: finances are thin, we have many dependents, there may be chronic illness, special needs. But so many of us take upon ourselves crosses the world hand to us: a certain lifestyle, rank and reputation, title and titillation.

What if God gave us children to ask us to break away and enter a new way of life with Him?

What if it's about learning to see God's smiles in our children's?
What if it's about enlarging us as we pray desperate prayers when those tears don't stop and the night drags on?
What if counting pennies creates in us contentment and generosity?
What if walking at the pace of a distracted two-year-old and answering the endless 'why's?" is how God is walking with us?


When the days are long, and I recall that there is no retirement or exit clause in parenting, my heart goes out to those mothers who have to work 100% and parent 100%. The work ethic is Singapore is so punishing at times, I see parents everywhere not really attentive, present or engaged with their children, or with their own souls. What losses are we suffering, in our lives, our homes and as a society?

The world has recently been reeling from violence, first, from terror, then from horror. The latter is seeing unfit leaders assume office and perpetuate unwholesome ways of leadership, which will become the subtext of how societies do life in time. What is going on? I talked with my Filipino helper who lives with me, her two daughters still back home in the Philippines. While most employers want to get a good deal out of their worker, and I do expect good work, I am even more concerned for her daughters. I wondered if the generations of absent mothers and fathers have led to so much crime in their society. Sadly, even educated Filipinos don't see that the solution is not a hacksaw that perpetuates the language and habits of violence. Lives are treated with such disdain, what a travesty of God's Will, in a land that claims to be religious no less.

We know that we live in an inter-dependent world. But we the richer ones are often the takers. I may overstate, but it is crazy if we contribute to another society's breakdown while trying to do good by giving away material things or going on mission trip, boosting our spiritual egos. These are hard and real issues. And no one has time for these deeper things if we are all drowning in our eyeballs with grasping and grabbing.

Suddenly, the reality that the family is the basic unit and building block of a society hits me with fresh force. The question is,

Is anyone home?

And Adam knew Eve...a Valentine's special

A teen asked me, "aren't most people happily married?".

How would you answer that?

When we see pictures of fine dining, a couple dressed, smiling, a rose or a bouquet... our hearts murmur longing while our minds may race towards a combination of being happy/wondering if it's worth it/being skeptical.

Maybe it's my melancholy bent. Maybe it's my realist edge. "Happily married" does not cut it for me. But far be it that I would go through the days just glad to indicate 'married' under the status section of any form!


What does "happily married" mean to you?


Happiness is such a shallow enterprise these days and equally a rare commodity. It's so hard to find a happy person, much less, a happy couple! What do we do?


First of, I do not recommend ignoring an opportunity to celebrate love. Go have a date, do. Just remember that when the familiar infelicity visits, be bigger than it.

My spouse and I are so different that we are often impatient with each other, and that's a nasty habit. With his innate problem-solving bent, he sought for years to figure me out, till he threw his hands up in despair. With a flash of insight, he had said, "this is not possible, you are the rib that isn't a part of me anymore". As the woman who longs to be safe and cherished, there are a thousand ways he can communicate just the opposite. So we have had some very dark days and moments.


The problem wasn't all of our differences. The problem is that we were made for Joy. You and I, imago Dei, in the image of a God who sings and dances, who created the playful otter and that ridiculous owl that winks. The problem is that we have walked so far from Eden that Joy is hard for us to believe, to see, to experience.

Consider how astounding and subversive this is. This Joy deal. The world's happiness hangs on good times, wealth, and a fuss-free existence including great sex. All of it fragile stuff.


In 2015, I went on a retreat. As usual I brought my knapsack of many questions, not a few to do with my marriage. School and society, largely shaped by men, have also trained me to seek solutions.

God took me on a slow, restful time to lead me to one word: mystery.

Now mystery is a word that sets us off on a hunt for clues and rescue. Not this time. God is mystery, the great Reformers taught that, after positing a entire system for salvation. Perhaps, made in His image, we too are mystery.

The word settled upon my soul like a comforter. I felt a palpable rest to know that if I could not figure out myself, I am being human, which is to be loved by God, not categorised and 'resolved'.  You can do all the personality tests, gift tests, 360 degree review...but you will always be larger and still remain mysterious.

In fact, being loved and known by God is the foundation of a life that is set free. We are free from always exacting so much from ourselves, berating ourselves for not being at our best, striving endlessly to be improved versions of ourselves. We can then free others from the same.

God will reveal who I am to me, in the most loving way.

So I come to Adam and Eve, the first pair. Their mystery as persons and as a couple is captured in a tiny word yada. The Hebrew root is maleable and the word has multiple possible meanings, which the NKJV translates as 'know'. Look at all the ways to know:

: learn to know, perceive, find out and discern, distinguish, recognise, consider

The word is used for Adam and Eve in Genesis to refer to their consummation resulting in offspring. It is used for God and His people in the context of Covenant. It is used in personal reflection. It is a powerful little word that brings change. You can both seek to know, and be willing to be known.

We can describe our spouses by their traits, work, habits and quirks. But yada calls us to an ongoing journey of discovery, where we are willing to see and reverence the mystery of the other person's life, and offer our own.

Can you smell Joy in this?

Any relationship that is defined once for all begins to die. We have made a huge mistake selling out to the idea that marriage does that. Marriage does not define us. It is giving us the chance to be free from all the definitions imposed by self or others.

I know it's hard. People love figuring us out. We love the affirmations and the sense of security it gives. 

I know it's hard. With each rising sun, we have a thousand things to attend to and a treadmill to mount, to put food on table and send the kids to school etc. 

I know it's hard. We are often bone weary and emotionally spent. 

The getting-on-with-life interferes with Life.

So this is what I recommend for Valentine's (and don't mind the date if you are late). Go on the Threesome with God. Do something that makes each person feel Life coming back. Say ridiculous things. Share your soul (and don't get upset if the other person doesn't quite get it). Pray.

Valentine's, is like a Sabbath for your love. Rest it from all the toil of making it work. Have some yada ידע - and may the God of Love visit your Sabbath and bring it rest, the prelude to Joy.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): helping your teen know her values

What if our children lose it?

So apparently, there was this Clothes-Swap Challenge - is this fun or is this off-colour?

All parents get jumpy as we watch our once cherubic little ones grow and sometimes, morph into total strangers. We cling to what is familiar and dread being greeted by more surprises of the unpleasant kind.

The reality of how much our children's lives are informed and shaped by forces beyond us frightens us. They are digital natives who seem to draw their lifeblood from Snapchat, Instagram, and online news which we know is mostly sensational balderdash.

Friends become more important.
Dress sense starts to get expensive, weird, minimalist (as in too little coverage).
Words get haughty.
Patience wears thin.
"We don't get it", they sigh.

What if they lose it?

Signs of waning interest in spiritual matters.
Loss of motivation towards school performance.
Pre-mature romance (and gasp, pregnancy)

Why are we anxious?

We believe some things are right while others are wrong.
We understand some things must come before others.
We experience that compensation and reward do not come to those who idle.
In other words, we have life values.

value = something (a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable

We can provide a haven
We can impart wisdom
We can insist on habits
We can corral behaviour
We can bequeath material wealth
But, we cannot, simply, download values.

Values are by nature a product of time and experience.

This is where middle class, Christian homes, sometimes don't foster deep, strong, abiding values in our children.

What do we fill our time with?
What sorts of experiences do our children grow up with?

Often, the middle class home is one where success, routines and respectability typically rule. Our kids rarely know hunger. We are there to ferry them around. Problems are anticipated and resolved without much struggle on their part. They are mostly taught and trained to behave and believe to conform to our image of a decent, good, even Christian family. We try to be proper Christians who go to church and do what's right. In Asia, there is often an additional subtle layer known as 'face' or 'honour'. We go about all this sincerely and with earnest.

But this means not ruffling too many feathers. Or taking much risk. Or suffering any real pain.

A whole 'nother world from the world I grew up in. Cursory notes with other parents confirm this to be true. We all recall experiences where we have no choice but to figure out what matters and what we would stick our neck out for.

I would not like to visit my growing up style on my children. My parents received little formal education and their lives were bound up with making ends meet. I literally had to figure life out, I made my own choices of school, friends, whether I should buy an item or eat a meal, what it means to be a young woman, a Christian, a leader.

I have met a good variety of young adults who have emerged from our middle-class families.

Some have lost faith in faith and are glad to move on from a family culture they consider too narrow and limiting.
Some have finally been given permission to make personal choices, like this young woman who after five years in medical school, intends to do something totally different. Medical school was for the parents.
Some struggle with a clear sense of self, as growth necessarily means emerging selfhood, but strong parents have made the journey of assertion too painful to embark on. 

We have sad, mad and fearful young adults. (Of course, we have many wonderful ones too).

It is not their fault that our children are growing up in a different, more privileged world. But how they fare in the large world out there begins with the world we create for them in our homes and family life.

My mighty teen is entering young adulthood in a few years. She is aware of her weaknesses and is honest with her faith struggles. She turns to us for answers. It is all too easy to offer answers. We even work at listening real hard, built on the hard-won bond of many years of parental love and involvement. But then I notice something. She is agreeing to what I say, but it is not settling into her being. Some questions re-surface. The verbal assent is not matched by behaviour. The values are not solidifying.
So the inner chaos that is churning bubbles over now and then. If we are not careful, we can put a lid on it all too soon.

We also tend to use large ideas like, 'developing our identity', 'grow to be like Christ' which can be way too vague for them.

How can we help them to cultivate grater self- awareness, coach them in their choices, and help them to develop and test our their values?

As the Search Institute's Developmental Framework puts it succinctly,

Chaos + support = change

Support here is not about providing answers, rescue or planning ahead for them. It is getting down in the trenches with them. They have to do life and know it is something they can do.

The window we have for this varies from child to child, but typically begin around 14-16 and pretty much goes on for the rest of their lives. Even we have to keep figuring our values out as new experiences come our way (is retirement biblical? do we live with our elderly parents etc. So we need support too, but that's a different topic.).

How can we give the kind of support that shapes chaos into form and a framework for living strong and faithful? As I thought about my experience as a youth leader, a pastor and of course a a parent, I think the form of support needed is to help them realize and grow muscles of values that will help them navigate life. The key to this is Dialogue.

Here are some opportunities for dialogue:

a) Value development with real scenarios
No umbrella?
Did not top up ezlink?
Not packing for camp according to the list given by the school?
A fall-out with a buddy?

Scenarios can unfold or come to our attention after everything has blown up. They are great for asking qustions such as:

Why did you choose to/not to...
What is important to you about this...
How are you feeling now...

not questions like:

How can you forget
Did you ...again
You are so...

I admit to being totally guilty at using many of the latter kinds of questions and statements which label and describe rather than invite and open up the conversation.


b) Value development with anticipated scenarios
From topics they bring up, to new articles, to impending situations of concern, we can help our teens figure out their values. This takes some stomach because they can say startling things. Many of them for example are extremely sympathetic towards their friends and in a post-modern milieu would excuse everything 'as long as it makes them happy'.

It takes patience and a readiness to remain open-ended. If you emphatically say that something is wrong because 'the Bible says so', it may not work very well.

A personal and thoughtful sharing about your values for such situations is far more helpful.


c) Value development with Scripture
The stories in the Bible make for great discussion. What if David decided that Goliath is too huge a challenge? What if Jonah decides to lay down and die inside the fish? It's poignant to point out how these characters made their choices. Even the New Testament injunctions should be talked about. Isn't it creepy to 'rejoice always'? Where is the place for sadness, in the very real world of a teen's mood swings? Bring in the research and evidence that proves that Scripture is describing and prescribing a life that is lived well.

Connecting all-too familiar Scripture with real life is what they need. I once told my mighty teen, "I know you know all the stories, but you have yet to know the point of the stories in a deep way. Even I am learning....".

Share what Scriptures help anchor your priorities and choices.


d) Value development with a mentor
I wish that all teens and young adults could have a mentor, someone who's a mere generation away and feels more 'like them'. Blessed are the kids who have such mentors. But don't despair yet. Books, good sermons and even great music can be very able mentors. You just need to find them (some links at the end).

All relationships are characterized by a dynamic give and take that shapes who we are as we grow and change. As parents, we struggle too with our own values. A real faith, middle, lower or upper class calls for an authentic discussion of our struggles.


Values are a product of time and experience.

What are our family times about, and what experiences are we willing to explore and engage in as Christian parents?

It's never too late to start with small steps. Brave it. And if it feels late, remember, it's never late with God. He is not bound by time and His boundless Love has a way, always.

Here, some mentoring resources I hope you find useful.

Online:
Gals ~
 More To Be
Set Apart Girl

Guys~
Ransomed Heart
Braveheart
Bravehearted Christian

Both ~
Family Life - passport to purity/identity
Growing Leaders

In Singapore (not exhaustive):
Touch
Cornerstone

God wants to move you. From guilt to grace, 'should' to 'want', and anger to joy.

Freedom is not as straightfoward as it seems.

We are completely fooled to think that it equates being able to do whatever we fancy, with no one to gainsay us. That kind of freedom doesn't even exist, for we are our own worst critics. In fact, while the expectations of others can be a real burden and even nuisance, in the end, what bogs us down is our own inner voice that says

not enough
not good enough
surely you can do better

There is a place for improvement. But to improve out of a commitment to grow your ability is different from the need to improve toward some mark that keeps shifting. Some investigative CSI work is called for here as to why the mark keeps shifting. More on that later.

Every holiday, media will be rife with posts about the myriad of expectations and how not to be cobbled by them:

. how to handle pokey relatives, especially if you are still single
. order takeout of every dish imaginable, no need to stress over cooking
. responding to comments about your home/health/wealth (or lack thereof)

All of it coming at us and corroborated by our own compulsions, we find ourselves easily tripped by a sense of guilt and strained by a long list of 'shoulds' as women, wives, mothers, girlfriends, leaders. Inevitably this leads to an accumulation of anger. We get angry at ourselves for making inadequate progress. We become easily angry at those who seem to hinder our progress (be it keeping to schedule or reaching some objective). We may as well be angry with God (and we are too polite to admit it, or too afraid to).

God meanwhile, has both tried to redirect us as well as allow us to learn by becoming fed-up with being stuck in the mud.

Pause and think. 

Was there a re-direction from God when he allowed you to mess up...again? Could he be showing you that you need to do some things differently?

Are you really exhausted? You know you cannot continue like this.

How do we move from guilt to Grace and from 'should' to 'want'?


Now for the CSI:

C - consider your motive.
Our motives make a huge difference to what we do and the way we do it. Ask yourself Why you are doing something? Is it motivated by love, fear or obligation? Whether it is taking up a role, parenting, planning something, our speech, even our prayers, motivations stand behind them all.
God reveals to us that the only motivation that makes a difference is love. Do something (for someone) out of love.
Some of us are so beat up in life that even loving someone or something is hazy to us. It has become so difficult to really be responsible and take charge. I can think of only one answer. Start. Life will never happen if we refuse to live, and to love.
Don't do things out of guilt. If you are a mature adult, don't even do things because you should.

S- study your patterns
Do you tend to say 'yes' very quickly? Do you find yourself overloaded? Do you find yourself shying away? Do you yo-yo up and down, or do you tend to worry that something is waiting to go horribly wrong?
Our patterns have a lot to tell us. They are great indicators of what we fear as well as what we hope for. Identify your patterns and pray for the insight to disrupt them.

I- investigate your roots
If you find it hard to break out of a pattern, it is being fed by a deeper root. It is time to see a pastor or a counselor who may be able to help you identify and uproot the issue at its source.

So much of what adults struggle with have roots in childhood.

I do not advocate excessive self-analysis and digging around in your past. Our memories are hazy and our hearts can be extremely vulnerable. Yet, if there are nagging issues, it is very likely that although you are now an adult, in some areas, you have remained a child, and feel powerless to change.


Freedom is when we realised how much we are carried by Grace, that we can make strong, even sacrificial choices because we want to - obey God, lift others up, use our competencies - not because we have to.

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. ~ Galatians 5v13, The Message

Someone share recently that when she had to take in her father-in-law, her older brother reminded her, "don't do it out of duty, do it out of love".

 I think it takes us time to figure out what we are willing to do for others, even our loved ones.

We all secretly fear the worst of things would happen to those around us and we have to upheaval our lifestyles in order to care for them. Rather than wish it away, we may do better to question our hearts and ready them for deeper ways of love.


From Anger to Joy
The simplest and most powerful way to understand anger is that it arises when we feel that our way is blocked (just think drivers that get cut by another). Anger gives way to joy if our life circumstances become what we want. This is a tall order requiring major resistance and reformation!

...God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you ~ Romans 12v1-2, The Message

It is the slow work of building a new scaffold for our lives to hang upon that shapes up differently over time. 

By exposing our patterns, healing our roots and confessing our lack of love, we turn to God for Grace and begin to experience it as a present reality and a powerful force in our lives. In time, we begin to stand on Grace as it solidifies in our lives and find that we are no longer flimsy selves leaning this way and that, racked by guilt, pressure and anger.

This is Good News.

You are the best parents for your children: parent differently in the New year

"You know what dad said to me over Christmas lunch?"

The dh looked at me somewhat surprised.

"He said if Abi's results are good, ask her to study Medicine".
"Haha, he's still at it after all these years?"

"I think you should study Medicine"

just one of thousands of Asian parent stereotypes online... help!

With 2017 round the corner, will we be after our kids for the same things? 

same bad habits we cannot stand
same attitude that irks us
same worries about their motivations and results (and future)
same concerns about their spiritual vitality
same old way of conversing and relating

O, we have the scars to prove it!

The last few years, I have felt a few rounds of serious exhaustion. I mean, being nice to our kids can take a lot! They don't always get it or respond to it the way we hope. But each time, I ask myself what truly matters. I realize that my exhaustion arises a lot out of focusing too much on outcomes and allowing discouragement to set in.

I have learnt how to battle better. I have learnt that there is something fundamental that fuels change: desperation.

How to get a really NEW year deals with it. But here is the special parents edition. You will be surprised that your children are desperate for change too (I mean, who doesn't want a happy family life?).

Before the New Year arrives, while you are busy putting away Christmas stuff, checking up tuition agencies, sorting our finances, looking at school supplies.... plan to set aside a few pockets of quiet times to parent differently next year.


Here are some prompts that have helped me over the years:

1. Begin with appreciation

Write each child's name down. Take deep breaths and pray to see how the child has been a gift to you. Detail their spark, gift, and talent. It doesn't have to fit some existing category like Junior Chef...more like, 'what about this child makes your heart smile'?
Give thanks.


2. Bolster the relationship
I nearly forgot how brief moments of intimate, personal affirmations count. When I get stressed, my tone of voice and content of words change dramatically. I find that I tend to nag or then sit down and try to reason. But my children want to connect with me. They do want to please me and make me proud, but somehow the motivation dips when they feel distant from me. Nagging pushes them away.
Children these days feel the tension of our world's divisiveness. They are more alone than ever with smaller families and a hectic pace of life. All those child suicides make me really wonder about why these children have so much emotional pain they cannot process with anyone.
In the end, don't we all want our children around us, happy family moments, and the savouring of milestones traversed together?
So after giving thanks for each of our children, think of ways you connect best with each one and schedule that in!

Connecting frequently allows me to do the next thing: champion their uniqueness.

3. Boost their spark
Consider how resistant or open you are to their uniqueness.
I will admit to agreeing with my FIL that Medicine is a great choice! But it isn't looking that way folks, despite her great memory and steady hands!
In fact, I have met more than a few young adults who have done what their parents want, and at some point, decide to pursue what they want. Some with no small amount of hurt and bitterness. Some fall along the wayside because the climb was way too steep.
So together with you, I have to learn how to encourage my children to pursue their self-knowing and exploration of their abilities and gifts. I have to learn how to tell my son that while gaming is a valid vocational option, it is not the same as playing games all day! I have to be alright with the fact that my children may not show distinct definitions that I can shape at age 11 or even 16, and that is okay! Some people will be generalists and (like their mom) love doing a slew of things! (there's some bit of accepting ourselves in there too).

It is important to recognise that contributing to the home is an important aspect of their spark! The home is the training ground for life, and the child who can tidy, serve and share is learning to bear responsibility, be considerate and exercise self-control. These are all wonderful qualities that are needed to be able to steward their unique gifting well.


4. Brag about them....haha, YES, but not on social media as much as to them.
Tell your children often what you notice about them, both their strengths and their weaknesses. Anchor it back to a solid theology of who they are in Christ, how they are Image-bearers.
I remember my son telling me he is lazy, stupid, slow... (you get the idea). I had to gently and persistently correct him that it is normal to struggle with temptations to be lazy. It happens in a diverse world that we will sometimes feel stupid. It is true what we are slow at some things. But the deeper truth is he is wonderfully and fearfully made, and a work in progress. I had to teach him that he can fight against the temptations and human tendencies. And I brag about his success to him!

Now go do the same exercise for yourself!

Affirm your own life, notice your uniqueness, plan to grow yourself and find those who can encourage you*

Have a NEW year fellow parents!

How about let's pray this (somewhat desperate) prayer together:

Dear God, 

it's us - parents, those you somehow feel we have what it takes to birth, raise and send out actual breathing, kicking, working animations of life. 

In 2017, help us do what we must do better. 

Help us be more rested in our hearts. 

Help us see our children the way you see them. 

Help us allow them to grow us. 

Help us grow a better relationship of mutual love, respect and support. 

Help us find You and worship You in our days and lives. 

Help us remember you are parenting us all. 

Thank you for your help!

Amen.

Related reads:
What links resolutions to solutions
An arc of goodness: insights from Jeremiah





*if my posts encourage you, get them in your email Inbox! 
Simply type your email into the space on the right: 'get this in your email'. 

How to get a really NEW year

First you have to be fed up. Yes, fed up with the old year, fed up enough to want things to be different.

What are you fed up with?

Have you had enough of worrying about what others think?
Are you done with spinning those wheels and not really sure if you are making progress?
Do you so dread the state of your relationships that you are wishing up ways to avoid the people?

Sometimes we think that being fed up is a sign of weakness or that we are being plain ungrateful. Well, we all have areas of weakness and we may well be ungrateful. It may be that your weaknesses (a lack of discipline or self-control) contribute to the state of things. Certainly being grateful cures us of many ills so we don't live in chronic discontentment. But being fed up is different. It is a sign.


The thing is when we feel fed up, we tend to blame it on others. This will only ensure we never get a New year because we have absolutely no power to change others.

So, the difficult and necessary thing to do is to ask:

a. How would I like things to be?b. What am I doing that is keeping things from being the way I want them to be?

The parent who wants the eighteen year old to grow up but continues to dole out pocket money, calls to ensure there is lunch, tidies the room for him, will stay fed up.


When we are fed up, we are also tired. Our resources have run out. We will begin to go through the motions. We will start to numb. We may even resort to forms of escapism. The length of time spent in gossip, playing online games, over-eating or under-eating. We may even do things we would not normally do, like visit a casino or seek out titillating experiences when prodded on by others.

As 2016 begins to fold over and a new page is waiting to be written, take some time to slow down and consider how things are in your life.

This is why Advent is such a powerful practice. It slows us down and turns us towards deeper concerns in life. It is inevitable that Christmas will get busy. But Advent observation has already primed us so that a few hours or a day given to reflect and prepare for the new year will really help usher in a year open and ready for newness.

Today, mark out a few time periods when you can sit and pray, think, and plan for the New Year.

These questions will help:

a. How would I like things to be? [list each area of your life]

b. What am I doing that is keeping things from being the way I want them to be? [is it fear that people won't respond? Do you want to at least have tried or give up on what you value?]

c. Where is my energy level now?

d. What saps me most and what refuels me?

These simple but powerful questions will surface what is deep within you. Your longings, your anxieties, your life management. When we are dissatisfied or struggle with ongoing issues, we will grow tired and that in turns reduces our resilience and perseverance. It's a downward spiral.

All of us live with some degree of illusion. We have this ideal we hold ourselves and others to. Even if they are godly ideals, they can end up holding us hostage if we learn how to mature from where we are to where we believe and want to be.  

All of us want to be more loving. But the journey of maturation into being a person who genuinely loves others is different for each of us. If we hold on to an illusory ideal where we congratulate ourselves one day and condemn ourselves the next, we won't actually grow. A swing moves alright, but it doesn't actually lead to a real change in location.

Philippe Malouin, Milan

Real change that comes through maturation is a gift of God, and God loves 'upcycling' - the process of using available material to craft new, beautiful and useful creations.

All you need for the New Year is within you.

The stronger marriage between your parents.
The lighter and more caring atmosphere at home.
The community of faithful friends.
The steadier, closer walk with God.
That organised kitchen/desk/wardrobe.
The commitment and joy of meaningful work.
The loosening of bonds that hold others in poverty and oppression.

Your dreams and longings. Your hopes and aspirations. Your wild ideas. They may be held back because you are not taking them seriously enough, allowing your fears to stall you. They may be held back because you have not rested, eaten, exercised well so that you are alert and energetic.


May you experience a New year my friends as you brave it and seek answers to the questions.

"Praise be to the LORD, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens'  ~ Psalm 68v19

A letter from a 50 yr-old to my Ma and Pa

Began Friday, 1 July 2016
1:53 PM

Dear Mother and Father, I will turn fifty at the end of this year. Considering that the earth may be 6000 years old, fifty is pretty old - just take a few zeroes away!

I so wish you both are around with me; living together in good health, mutual respect and easy love.

Of course this is an idealized state - except for the mutual respect which we clearly had -  and even that required a lot out of us.

Mother and my firstborn. Every grandchild knew your love.

I remember grumbling so much about you Father: that you did not have a job title I could report to my school teachers with pride. While my classmate rattled off 'driver, manager, hawker'; I had no clue what it was you actually did. That in turn triggered off memories of times when Mother would say quietly, "just tell the teacher I will pay her next week" , I wondered if you did anything for us. What was obvious were the Toto receipts, the smoking, and the long stretches of time you weren't at home. 

But of course, I was only just figuring out about life as a kid.

No one, absolutely makes pigs' tongue soup like you did. I can still taste it; clearly some fireworks went off in my brain the few times you ladled it out for us. The pasty combination of soy, onions and melt-in-your-mouth potatoes and the chewy bits of meat (I ate unquestioningly and avoided the unfamiliar looking bits with the gristly surface, but knowing it was tongue did not deter me in the slightest for I had been won over by the aroma and the taste!),

In my teens, my self-righteous indignation ruled me with a ferocity and I persuaded, scolded, debated and gave you the cold shoulder for the many imperfections I saw in you.

It would be a few years of such suffering for you before your daughter grew up more to realise that you have a personal story that may account for the person you are; and to develop a compassion and curiosity to know about it, and so treat you as a person and not just someone who owed me proper fatherhood.

Mutual respect took us a long time. But I am glad we reached that shore.

Probably out of convention, I asked you to all the most important occasions of my life: my baptism, graduation, and my first public sermon. Convention has its place for sure; because your presence normalised us - I now have regular photos with parents - and for sure, we are both glad for it.

We did grow to respect and like each other. If there is anything I feel sad about now; it is that you did not get to walk me down the aisle and blossom into the amazing Grandfather I am sure you would. My children will never get to hear you tell your lame jokes, play the accordion, and watch your favourite Hindi movies and follow every episode of whatever David Attenbrough was up to ( I was shocked one time when I heard the august commentator's voice and instantly recognised it). And of course, that soup.

I wonder if you tell stories about us in heaven.

One thing we felt sure would happen in heaven. In fact one of us dreamt about it even. It was that when Mom arrived, you were thrilled to bits but she ignored you, like she did on earth.

Mother, you are a wondrous mystery to me. You weren't perfect for sure, and you often lacked the wisdom to guide us as the world spun crazily fast in the decades of immense change. You had no words for what to study, who to date or marry, what to do for a living. 

You did better than that. You showed us that learning is something we can all do. You did not get to start school because the war broke out, but you did not shrink from learning: going out to work, basic English conversation,  singing, crochet, reading your Chinese Bible, swimming, using the ATM, traveling, cooking new dishes, dancing… Your life demonstrated the meaning of the word 'possibility'  for us. What a precious gift. We knew we could suggest anything to you and never feel put down.

When we felt like quitting, you wouldn't let us. Opportunities don't come easy. While you never pushed us in any direction; you showed us that some things are worth every sacrifice, and that effort is what counts. Your fierce commitment to the family, your pride, your core values are the lights for a family that had little and could have turned out very differently. You took illness, nasty relatives, work injustices, hunger, lack, all in your stride. Never once did I hear you whine, complain your lot or blame others, except the glaring frustration you had with the government when you applied for public housing. If it had to be done, you saw to it that it was.

You stayed up long nights to twirl old calendar pages into beads and strung them so we could have some beauty in the home.  At night, as we lay together like sardines on floor mats, you sang us the silly song about the boats at Clifford Pier that 'fell down' and ate dog shit. I never got to ask you where that came from. You did everything you knew to ensure the family would be provided for: cooking and selling fried noodles at dawn to folks making their way to work, operating a Tontine, going out to work at the hospital despite your aversion to it (just take the job that comes), joining an MLM briefly….and always, bringing whatever donation cards schools required of us to help us get it all filled out.

I dig not know it then although I certainly felt it - mothers have a way of being pervasive in their influence.

You grew up without a father, and your own Mother was a compulsive gambler. As a daughter, your future would be marriage. In the meantime, your older Brother must be cared for, and supported through school; so from an early age, your life was turned outwards to solve problems and care for others. You survived the war after being recruited to work in the soldier's mess, and your diligence sometimes paid off with a few sweet potatoes above the rice they paid you with. You figured out how to make a quick buck by selling theatre tickets at black market prices.

But when it came to your own life, you did not take charge as you had for others. Your mother took a liking to Father, in part because they were both gamblers and had good chats over their games. So despite your own conviction about the evils of gambling, you acquiesced and married Father - and stayed faithful to him all the long and hard years.

 We are a bundle of contradictions aren't we?


I am not sure why, Mother and Father; but I really want you to be proud of me.  I want you to know that your pain, suffering, sacrifices have meant something.

It feels unfair to me that only as a young adult, when I was beginning to take the effort to understand and truly appreciate the contours of your lives; that my life became so full of my dreams and commitments, that although our conversations and interactions could be so rich; they often stayed mundane and thin. That when the roles were reversing and I was meant to take charge, I was too absorbed with my world. I did not neglect you per se, but there is so much I want to say to you and do for you still.

And then, you left suddenly, painfully, and alone.

Some things in life just cannot be managed: the heart attack, the car accident.

Father, we could go bargain hunting together. I now see the value and fun in it.
Mother, where else did you want to travel to - for once - not in order to visit one of us?

I don't know how you two did it. In your authentic and courageous lives, I witnessed and received Providence, Grace, and Mercy. Through your refusal to give up on life, I have a legacy of resilience and optimism.

Fifty years feels a long time. You were more than half of it; and I am going to make sure you will always be a part of whatever remains….until we meet again. Then, let's read this letter together.

Love,
Jenni Popo

Advent 2016 possible resources

Advent 2016 for those with experience

Do click on this link to get the resource!

There are also plenty of other kinds of resources depending on your personality, age and spiritual temperament. Some sites* include:

For leading Advent & Christmas

Advent Home worship by United Methodist Church, USA

Range of ideas from Anglican Worldwide


*disclaimer: no personal endorsement of any of these resources listed.