You are the best parents for your child(ren): when you don't feel very confident about being a parent

This post is for the honest people. If you believe you are doing a near-perfect job, don't hardly get any jitters, never second-guess your decisions, lose sleep or shed tears, move on to a Ted talk or Mr Brown.

This post is for the hungry. Not just a growl in the tum that is settled by a quick wolfing, but those who like to digest things a little, because I am going to try to throw together a dish that isn't often served, and you need time to taste it and examine its nutritional value.

This post is for the happy people, the folks who want to keep getting up and doing stuff better.

This post is about Parental Confidence, which comes about this way: Parental + Confidence.


Parental
So you had a baby, she came out all squirmy and the room felt like heaven's entry way. Near exhaustion, you beam as if an angel had scattered gold dust (maybe it has). Congratulations! Just remember this: parenting is never, ever, automatic. It is a decision.

Recently, dear Jason Wong of the Fatherhood Movement/Yellow Ribbon, put out a short vid about not outsourcing parenting.

But guess what? We do.

We need the income.
I need my sanity.
I can't do this.
I'm not the ...type.
My in-laws are free.
I am not a child expert.

Some of these are larger realities and we need to stand together to say 'No' to it. Why for example, does Singapore have to be one of the most expensive cities to live in?

Most of the other reasons fall like cards. A child is a life. A gift. A trust.  God has chosen you to bring her here (well planned or otherwise). It's been said, anyone can be the CEO, but only you can be the parent to your child.

We all know that the family unit is the basic building block of any society, but we don't really believe it. Or we will not be knocking it down so much. From overworked parents, to stressed out children, families have become a mimicry of the corporate or bureaucratic structures of efficiency and order. We fear losing out, we hurry, we spend most of our energies on administration.

We imbibe all the stuff we hear without thinking clearly for ourselves. This is called conformity. There is stern warning about it:

Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds..." ~ Romans 12v1-2

Conformity is the enemy of originality, diversity, and of power. When we conform we hand over power. I am not anti-establishment for after all, the home is an establishment and institution. No home is ever one without the need for rules and for members to abide by them. That is not conformity, for a thriving home will have space for discussion and negotiation. The aim of the rules is not provide stability for vibrancy to flourish.

When was the last time we stopped to think if we really needed all that stuff?

Have we spent enough time to really know our child and to be able to nurture her soul?

Are our marriages dying for lack of love that is a slow and daily cultivation requiring sacrifice?

I am truly glad and almost envious for those who are created so specially to be able to build a thriving marriage, family life and work life that is all Instagram sweetness. Just that I haven't really met any in real life.

The thing is, with life, you cannot really look ahead to determine the outcomes. You also can't look back and say you ended up with the best outcome. I have successful friends who watch with anguish as their children become estranged. I have so called less-successful friends who experience the same. Equally, friends across the socio-economic spectrum have good relationships with their children and their home is a haven.

Since we can't predict or retrospect, where does that leave us?

Our values. 

I have no doubt all parents want to be the best parents they can be. What I sense is that most of us don't really know how great we can be because we never really attempted it. 

From the way society and couples go about it, I feel that parenting when placed side by side against so many other things, may not be such a high value. What we don't value, we won't make sacrifices for.

In what way have you chosen to be a parent, despite the odds?


The parenting choice is not a once-off deal too.

As the children grow, I have found that reminding myself of my scared trust is a daily necessity. It means I need to have resources to love, nurture, restore, pray, train, discipline, guide, protect, and coach.... It means that when there is strife, unhappiness, sloth, and a multitude of small and large offenses and challenges, I am still the adult who can influence the outcomes the most. I have been given a strange and marvelous power. It is a huge privilege. (I have asked God many times, why He takes the risk).


Is parenting your valued choice?

Confidence
No one likes to feel like an ignoramus. But parenting can do that. It is very humbling. It's also too bad that we have forsaken our familiar networks for the nuclear family so that the load is much heavier, especially if we have other challenges.


But confidence can be grown, with time and practice. It also starts with value.



I was blessed to be number 7 in a family of 9 siblings. So I had some practice with nieces and nephews. I was also blessed to have a mother who is very skillful and adores babies. When I had my first child, my mother and my in-laws were in fact retired and available. But I valued my calling and privilege as a parent. I also know how it felt like not to have my parents available to me in my growing years. So I thanked all of them and despite discouragement, became the primary care giver and made the choice to stay-home and be the 'pastor of one' as it were (though it isn't true, folks came to my home when they needed).

Parenting is a very high value to me.

Who else does my child, chemically inclined, want to bond with so as to feel safe?
Who else is going to think through my child's needs?
Who else is going to witness the flowering of this life?
Who else is going to catch the developmental concerns as the child grows?

We need the support and help of others. But infant care and 12 hour child-care is not best way to go.


I like to think that I am one superb mom. As proof, my neighbor whom I seldom see, was startled to see me with my baby girl, and remarked that she had no idea there was a baby because she never heard crying (of course, my daughter cried, just not very much and I think it is largely due to my attentiveness).  But I have lost my confidence many times (my last post was precisely about times when we blow it. . Still, my value anchored me. I pray, forgive myself, learn, pick myself up and grow in my confidence.

Confidence comes with practice. We simply have to build it over time, hard knocks and experimentation.

I don't want to be that bewildered old person who feels awkward with her children, unsure what she has done with all the years she had as a mom, worried about loneliness or worse outcomes.

I don't want to be that parent who believes others can do a better job with my child than me, when she shares my genes and lives under my roof and longs to connect deeply with me.

I don't want to be that parent who blames school, spouse, society for how my child turns out and how she treats me.

I cannot guarantee the future, and I don't need to. I am called to live in the present, where God the I AM dwells closest to us. The present is shaped by our values, what is important to us at the eternity-moment. I am enjoying the moments of deep laughter, peace, stability and even challenges, moments that I have sown into over all the present moments of the years gone by.

It is one thing to occasionally lose confidence as a parent. It happens. It is another to relegate it away and therefore never own the parenting or grow the confidence.

And O, life is one long continuous conversation. I know some who think that they can work and earn first, then attend to the children when they are older. For the sake of the children and the future of society, I really hope the conversation did not get broken. It is hard to pick up a conversation when the sense of intimacy is lost and when the lingo is too different.


Onward parents, let's grow together in Parental Confidence. Our homes and our nation needs us.



Please share this post with every person planning to have children. 



Related posts:
 the slow cooker approach
 previous posts on parenting

You are the best parents for your child(ren): it's alright to feel you missed it or blew it

This is a part of me very few know.


It's not because I hide it, but I think our organised, efficient, high-speed society has no place for it. Also, it's very occasional.

Well, here is one occasion.

I saw a friend post on Fb about a school his son is aspiring to get into. Suddenly it dawned on me that such a school would be a great fit for my son. But of course, it calls for good grades and a CV. Yes, I, the fish unaware of the water, forgot that. So I allowed myself to get all excited about the possibility, as my son was not keen on the school he would most likely get into by affiliation. Then I talked with the other parent, turned on my computer and looked at the desired school. Immediately, I felt a mix of guilt, sadness and anger fomenting.

This is the sort of system where the winner takes it all, and the winner is a parent who can see years down the road, has resources to send the children to enrichment, keeps track of all aspects of the child's development with sterling planning, or, the parent with a child who is highly self-motivated and capable. So I felt sad that my son will not get to be in an environment where his interests and abilities can be honed. I felt angry at myself for being so blur; "it is a simple flowchart Jenni!" I yell internally at myself. I feel guilty wondering if I have done my best for my son.

What's more, I felt this whole gamut of stuff five years ago with my first born. Now it's worse, coz it looks like i didn't learn anything! Don't get me started on ... "where's the other parent", for we all know the answer to that one. Thankfully, in my case, he deeply loves the children and is involved in their lives. Just not the school bit very much.

I would like for more parents to be able to flub about our trip ups, laugh over our foibles, cry together over our spilled milk. Why doesn't such a parenting club exist? I will call it, "We are humans after all, parents club".

So I drew in a deep breath, and I wrote this.

I believe, somewhere out there is another parent like me.

You want the best for your child but you wonder if you have given them the best. You love them to bits but you know that somewhere out there are things you wish you could give them, but they are forever beyond your reach. You want to provide and prepare them well for life, but you find that it's all a tad complicated. You want your child to thrive and excel but you also know you don't fully buy into the system or the values around you. You wrestle with a child who isn't 'standard issue', who has learning difficulties and temperamental challenges. 

Honestly, I think my comfort and hope will be slim and threadbare if not for this larger truth: my son is first and foremost, God's child. His very breath is a gift from heaven. The sovereign watchcare of God, the signs along the way that shows his present love, and the love between my son and I are more enduring and important. Missed opportunities, detours, delays, cannot upend God's desire and plan for us as long as we do our best, even if our best seems to fall short of the national standard.

In fact, the Spirit whispers, "your best is always love".

But "all parents love their children", I respond.

{Important sidenote: when the Spirit whispers, don't talk back. Listen some more.}

[me sitting and waiting....then a memory comes back]

I search for one of the first parenting books I read, How To Really Love Your Child, and find this:

"The foundation of a solid relationship with a child is unconditional love. Only this can assure a child's growth to full potential. Only this foundation of unconditional love can assure that such problems as feelings of resentment, being unloved, guilt, fear, insecurity don't become significant problems." 

"Jesus looked at the young man and loved him.." ~ Mark 10v21

This was no surface, superficial, fluff. This young man had come respectfully with a great question, a serious desire. Jesus saw that he was not ready for the answer. Yet Jesus loved him, and loved him enough to tell him what he needed.

This is love. It really sees the person, beyond the 'presentation', whether that is potential or problems.
This is love. It really believes the person is far more that what is presently clear.
This is love. It really feels and reaches out with truth to free the person from his burdens.

In a moment of anxiety like the one I had, my son became a statistic.

The Holy Spirit is comforting me and reminding me that I have loved and that is what counts. In the years that I have kept on choosing to see him for who he is at each milestone, and helping him take the next steps that he needs (not the system wants him to) so that he is growing, I realise is love.

Loving my son is about me accepting my child where he is, and yet knowing he needs to keep going and growing, all the while, safe in his Heavenly Father's love, experienced through my unconditional love for him.

The fluster and bluster is brief and I am located back in a place of peace and conviction, and looking forward to see him back from school!

So, welcome to the Real Parents Love Unconditionally Club and share the Love!

this wonderful book!

You are the best parents for your child(ren): what to do when she ... ^%$@)!* ??!!

Last week my seventeen year-old said to me with some alarm that she overheard young primary school kids swearing and using vulgarities on the public bus. This is what she said,

"What's wrong with these kids? I mean, I know right, that we swear, like in my school we do a lot...but these kids are so young! What's even going on?"

What is going on?


Won't we all like to know.

It used to be that swear words and bad language was the unkind stereotype of some segments of society. I add that I learnt and used that kind of language where I grew up too, but my older sister put a stop to it with her ingenius method of making us pay five cents for each bad word she heard. It was very effective!

But today, this is no longer the case. It's par for the road in media, and of course it is not helped that we now have political leaders whose language use is so sorry and even sick. What has sneaked up on us?

Won't we all like to know?

More importantly, why don't we know? Where have we buried our heads and sold our attention and given our energies to? Why in a era of such progress and possibilities is the raising of the next generation still a task that eludes so many of us?

Definition of expletive

1. 1a :  a syllable, word, or phrase inserted to fill a vacancy (as in a sentence or a metrical line) without adding to the sense; especially :  a word (such as itin “make it clear which you prefer”) that occupies the position of the subject or object of a verb in normal English word order and anticipates a subsequent word or phrase that supplies the needed meaningful contentb :  an exclamatory word or phrase; especially :  one that is obscene or profane

Both my kids have come back from school and spouted stuff that shocked me. In one instance, my primary four asked me for the meaning of a Hokkien* expletive! I thought it was very crude back in my time and would have gone the way of the dinosaur. But clearly, it's still circulating!


We were very firm that they could hear it but not learn it, and certainly not repeat it. I am not naive to think that they won't bow to the pressure to use it since it's the lingua franca in school (and please don't expect teachers to police this too, they have enough to do. However, the children have reported that the teachers themselves swear at times, sigh).

When my daughter was in primary school more than a decade ago, the girls regularly gushed 'O my God'. I thought about it and felt that it came close to a violation of the musise of the word 'God' for a fomring mind and heart so I banned it. Instead we devised alternatives, since of course, she would need to be able to express exclamation.

When the son's turn rolled around, the vocabulary had already shifted.

Recently, I found my junior college going gal weaken and use 'f' words! She knew it was far from healthy nor elegant, yet it was so commonplace that she just fell in with the crowd. Being older, and with a foundation of what's right and wrong, I could point her to Scripture and clearly say that she will have to put a stop to it.

From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. ~ James 3v10-12, ESV

For the record, she goes to an elite school in Singapore. It's like a global youth language popularised by the media.

Should we parents and caretakers be doing anything about it? Of course. If you don't want to be sweared at in your old age, do something about it now. Language habits stick.

Here is what I have done. Please share your experiences in the comments!

a) with very young children
Immediately insist that it is wrong and devise alternatives. use 'Aiyo, Goodness, O dear...susah..' Don't give them smartphones please. There is plenty to show they don't make the kids smart at all. Time to turn this tide around. If you have already given them one, make sure you place parental controls on what they can access. {restrictions for apple products, android products}

b) with older children
Reinforce that it is wrong, talk about why people resort to such language, discuss how it stumps one's ability to communicate well. I mean if you can say 'f-' rather than 'I feel so upset because...',  your emotional maturation will be truncated.

Other habits that are very helpful: establish the language and tone that is acceptable in your home. I must say this will require parents to go along too!

Getting even very young children to journal so that there is a healthy emotional outlet is also very useful. Children today are awakened emotionally, psychologically and even sexually way before they are ready. For example, the stresses of school imposes a huge emotional burden many are not mature enough to manage. So, there is a lot of pent-up emotion in children that is coming out via social media and in their language. This state predisposes them to be vulnerable to suggestions including attempting behaviours that promise relief. If we allow our children to swear rather than really talk, we are not helping them.

So what is at stake here isn't respectability or social niceties. It's far more.

Let's get to work parents! You can do it. We must do this.


*Hokkien is a dialect of the Chinese language, the dominant dialect in Singapore

a heart of wisdom, a head of white- living well and strong.

The 11 year-old was sitting right by me quietly for a while, then suddenly: Mom! You have so much white hair! You are getting so old...

Slightly startled at his newfound knowledge, I soon compose myself, laughed and reminded him to take good care of his old ma.

He leans over and gives me a hug, as if getting old was such a disaster!

Live long enough and age seems such a bad thing. Women in particular have been known to be skittish about age. So we invent what I call common-wisdom:

Age is only a number
Mind over matter: if you don't mind it, it don't matter.
You don't look your age

Age is a number - that represents something.
So it does matter.
Looking our age isn't the issue, acting our age is!

In contrast to common wisdom, God calls us to be aware of our days, to mark the seasons and to number our days!

We are to live with an awareness of our mortality.

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes ~ James 4v14

Ouch.

We have an expiry date, and we do not get to set it. This is what I call hard truth.

Pair this with:

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. ~ Psalm 90v12

This remembrance of our mortality is not morbid. Rather it is purposeful.
With the reality of our mortality, this Psalm tells us that we not to simply pass our days, but to observe if our hearts are enlarging and deepening with a distinct quality called wisdom.

So I ask myself:

Does my wisdom match my graying hairs?

Do I know, feel, act like a 50 year-old who has gone through what I have gone through?

Knowing that tomorrow may never come, do I live in hostage to my past, or trapped in anxiety about the future? Should I not be fully present in the current moment and realities?

What have I made of the experiences of pleasure, satisfaction, and fullness?
What has become of me through the losses, pains, betrayals and sacrifices?


To know our mortality is to appreciate the present.
To gain a heart of wisdom is to have something from our past to offer the present.

Zipping through our days won't give us either.

What experience has made you feel alive?

What experiences have made you feel deadened?

These two questions that are derived from an old practice of self-examination* takes both our mortality and our potential seriously. What makes us alive is indication of our true self and the gift we are to the world. What deadens us suggest to us that we are not strong enough or not meant to walk that way.

You may live to a hundred, but would you want to be a stranger to yourself at the end?
You may live less than the average life span, but your spark has left light, love and truth behind!

When God calls us to gain a heart of wisdom, it means that it matters how we pass our days. It also means that we can allow our days to shape and polish us so we can grow age with grace and confidence.

It's time to stop fussing over time management. The sands of time will flow on. The tick-tock will continue.

Manage instead our motives, our moods, and meanings. Assign the most time to the things that matter the most. Allocate times of freshness and energy to what you truly value. Design appointed times for reflection and deep thought.


Pray with me:

“Show me, Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is. ~ Psalm 39v4

And remember, we can count on this:

My times are in Your hands ~ Psalm 31v15

ThMom! You have so much white hair! Getting SO old...

Me, addicted? 4 reasons why we may be addicts raising addicts {and a freedom manifesto}

There are so many ways to live a life.

There is so much meaningful and productive work that is possible - from building a home, caring for a need to building a business, serving a client, thinking up solutions, solving a crime...

There is so much variety in how we can rest, recreate and re-connect - from sleep to conversation and coffee, exploring new places, a good book alone or with another, serving a cause, learning a skill....

Yet, despite the choices available, we often feel that there is something to conform to. 

Get that university degree.
Earn a little more.
Get or go to the latest.... 

Youths prove this best. While seeking to establish a personal identity, they go through a season when they often dress, talk and behave in similar fashion. Small town or global village.

The dawn of music videos and the access today to real-time information sharing has now produced a global youth culture where behaviours, values, attitudes are being shared and mimicked at an astoundingly rapid pace.

Their need to be part of a tribe, to belong, is natural and good. But it is something to outgrow. This is known as individuation. But the forces of society are strong, and most of us outgrow our youth, but not necessarily the conformity. We are not quite free to march to our own unique drumbeat.

The pressure to conform has taken a new twist today, with technology. Societal pressures are now given a presence that makes it far harder for us to mature and individuate. Psychotherapist Colier in her book, The Power of Off, claims that it is making us addicts who raise addicts. She shares some telling stories we can well relate to:

One of my clients...comes into his therapy sessions every week with two smartphones...He glances down at his technology a minimum of once per minute...He does not feel it is in his power to turn the phones off, not even during therapy...

My daughter's friends sent me..photographs from an event my daughter attended. On the same day, i received an e-greeting card from another friend. Both required me t join websites and set up accounts...which would take precious minutes. I never saw the photos or read the card.

A man who had forgotten his smartphone charger dashed around the office..he was frantic 

Babysitters had to be fired because they were constantly on their devices!

A woman felt so lost and anxious when she accidentally left her phone at home...she finally took a cab home to retrieve it and check her email, even though she wasn't expecting anything particularly.

Of course, there is the pastor's all-time favourite: congregants on their phones during sermon time.

So is Colier right? Are we, broadband, high-speed internet users, becoming addicts and raising addicts?

Technology use gives us a shot of feels-good. This means that over time, our use will make us want to use it more, because our brains will reinforce the good sensations. This is how addiction forms, and the algorithms are designed to deliver just that. Facebook likes have gone from a simple 'like' to emoticons to floating hearts... Colier poses the question: if our pleasure baselines are elevated, will we need anti-anxiety substances to bring them back down? Is this linked to increased tendencies towards depression? Can this cause an entire generation who rely on technology so much to later abuse other substances because they need this 'high'? Sobering questions.

There's more colluding than the chemicals in our brains.

First, there is the entire knowledge economy, re-Renaissance thing (indeed, another author has called the Internet a fresh Reinassance). There used to be that mantra, 'knowledge is power'. So, we all love to know stuff. whether it is really sound, true, useful, is secondary. Knowing stuff is hip and makes us look in-the-know. As a subset, there is also the "I have a view" value in our ultra-individualist, post-modern milieu. We all know stuff and we all have some kind of view, both of which should be shared, as it establishes who we are.


After identity comes significance. Significance is about making a difference. But it is commonly confused with 'being popular'. Hence being busy and being available become indicators, if not pathways to success and significance. With technology, we have become available 24/7, and many of us refuse to admit to it because in our wired world, an opportunity may be lurking around the next minute when our phones buzz. So we become slaves to our devices. But it isn't just work.


Thirdly, most of us want to get the best of life. This translates into the best deal in our consumer world. This in turn means loads of time comparing information, viewing images, talking about externals that do not deeply touch our souls, although it provides a rush of gratification.

Once, I noticed that when I have a pocket of time, I would reach for my phone. I had nothing in particular I needed to do with the device. But I knew that it offers me ideas to fill my time. This way, my phone is no longer just a tool. A tool is something you pick up to use for a purpose. We can go to our devices with a purpose at first, but it is so easy for that purpose to segue into a series of time-consuming activities, such that it has a power that can decide what I see, think, feel, and act upon. The level of distraction and engagement is extremely high and it takes discipline to see it as a tool and put it down once the use is over. This leads me to the final point.

Humans are just edgy about the present moment and the presence of others. When we are honest, we know this is true. Very few of us know how to relax easily. Very few of us know how to connect deeply with others. Boredom creeps in quickly. Conflict teaches us avoidance. As a result, the present moment is often lost and the people we long to relate to intimately are often the ones we push away. Both of these cause us pain. Technology helps us to avoid both. We get lost in some other dimension, and become inattentive to where we are or who we are with.

To be fully present to the moment and to really connect with another soul do not come easily to us. Yet it is what makes us most alive and makes our lives most meaningful.

The fact that we now have vacations designed around being freed from technology is telling.


Humans will always be asking these questions:

Who am I?

Am I ok?

Who do I belong with?

What am I here for?

Technology is a poser pretending to offer us answers, and setting us up for disappointment. Our facebook likes, snapchat, instagram, twitter, Goodreads profiles, newsfeeds, shopping sites, Youtube and all will never give us the answers. They merely send us in a myriad directions, meanwhile, re-wiring our brains, and possibly inducing us into addictive states.

Is this how we want to live?

Which of the four reasons shared above resonates with you? Do you have further explanations to add?

Writing this post, I came up with a Freedom Manifesto, to prevent myself from being lulled into addiction.

Take the words of this Freedom Manifesto and make it yours!

I AM FREE

I can say YES

to the present moment

to what is life-giving for me and others

to sun, wind, sounds, sights and smells

awaken to life bursting all around me

the grind won't wear me out

the grandeur marked upon my soul

I can say NO

when I want to

when I need to

to technology, books, food, sex

to people, work,

to being heard, seen, known

I can

sing, dance, draw, write, dream, imagine, work, rest.

For there is One who always hears, sees, and smiles.

I am free.

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and 

do not be subject again to 

a yoke of slavery 

~ Galatians 5v1

Here is Nancy Colier's book:

The hermeneutic of suspicion and how to tear it apart

Somewhere, someone, somehow, we learnt not to trust.

We distrust ourselves.
Living Google world, we wonder if we need yet more information in order to make a decision. Knowing how many times we have messed up in the past can cause us to lose confidence in our ability to judge and choose well. This shows up in our lack of confidence to deal with decisions or certain aspects of life.

We distrust each other.
Close friendships can be torn asunder, siblings can quarrel past the parents' demise, couples break up due to infidelity or from disappointments and hurts that feel too deep to heal from.

Distrust is growing and gnawing at us all today. We distrust those who take a different view of things, hold to different values, espouse different ideals.

Distrust is extremely toxic as it presumes that the other is 'guilty' as it were, and lays down an a priori verdict.  This is the air and the hermeneutic today. We pick up the newspapers expecting to find news that we will object to. We engage social media to like/dislike/opine at the most superficial understanding of any situation. We half-listen to one another, more focused on how we will respond so as to trump the conversation.

Our brains that seek consonance conspire in this process with its innate ability towards confirmation bias, and we practise selective listening with finesse.


All of this happening in a time when self-expression and fulfillment are the gods of the day, which means that our referent point is The Self, a pretty small space to begin with.

Where lies the hope that we can communicate with more calm?

How can we reach out to those who began at a totally opposing end of the spectrum?

What is the way forward for marriages, families, and ecosystems within society, including political structures?

Recently, a young adult tried to educate me about SRS (sex reassignment surgery), and she began by saying that I must see it as a sin. I have never interacted with her prior to this, and she was writing an email to me about a subject that is both sensitive and painful. I was surprised that she had presumed (probably because I am a pastor) that my first frame of reference is about the sinfulness of it. In reality, what bothered me was the very real pain, loss and grief of the psychiatric condition dysphoria. To feel a disconnect with one's self, to experience rejection, and to search for a way out - all of it is deep pain. I agonised for the person and her family. I also agonised over how the church can communicate truth in such circumstances.

So how we can trust each other better?
How can we regain trust when we have lost it?
How do we prevent what precious little trust we have from going to rot?

Nothing is resolved where there is no genuine heart interest to do so.

Why bother to risk it and get hurt or disappointed - we hear it all the time.

Someone has pulled the wool over our eyes, having us believe that protecting our interests, guarding our borders and entrenching our positions is what grants security. This happens emotionally, psychologically, socially, and even politically. It is all playing out before us these days. From the needless haggling for a petty discount to the couple breaking up the assets, to the culling of human lives through immigration policies, we live by the rule of paucity and mistrust. There isn't enough to go around, and survival goes to the ones who can out-manuvuere others. We build walls all the time. Trump's wall is but a visible expression of an inward reality that already exists.

We need a fresh vision.

We need to believe that trusting is better.


Interestingly, the heart of the Christian's relationship with God is one of trust, expressed as obedience. 

But O, how we struggle to trust God!

With mere logic, it can seem insane to trust an unseen Being. It feels scary to say that an ancient text (collection of texts to be precise) should be infallible and hold authority over our lives - whatever we feel, grapple with, aspire towards.

Trust isn't what we are inclined towards, although we need it and yearn for it.

We want someone we can rely on, count on, come through.

Yet our parents, BFFs and all will have moments when they cannot be all we need them to be.


In the midst of turmoil, the prophet Isaiah inserted this gem in chapter 26. Here it is, in three different English versions:

“The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in You. [NASB]

You will keep in perfect peace
    those whose minds are steadfast,
    because they trust in you. [NIV]

You, Lord, give true peace.
    You give peace to those who depend on you.
    You give peace to those who trust you. [ICB]

Trust in God yields the fruit of conviction of mind, a steadfastness, and peace.

Conviction of mind is important for us to enter into interactions. It offers us an anchor and a vision for where we want things to go. But it needs the other two, or it can be mere stubborness and even a hurtful bull-dozing.

Steadfastness is needed because mistrust easily creeps back into our psyche. We ask endless 'what ifs'... and back-pedal or stall due to this. Being steadfast allows us to hold on and plod through these moments.

Peace in the Bible is not so much an emotional state, but a relational state. Hence trusting God gives rise to peace as we recognise that God is larger and stronger than our arguments and defenses. We go into dialogue and seek the possibility of understanding, and even communion by holding on to this peace and letting it become the atmosphere for the encounter and interaction.

Recently I read an excerpt from Kay Warren's heart-rending story of how her early years of marriage were a wreck. She had stumbled upon pornography as a young woman and that had filled her with a darkness and a guilt that seeped into her marriage. Pornography is a dehumanising deed, degrading both the those who watch it and those who perform for it. They also got married very young when much of their life values and skills were not matured. Like all couples, Kay and Rick gave each other plenty of ammo to choose a lack of trust.

But they tore asunder the wool being pulled over them. They chose instead to trust God, and from there, to trust each other, again and again.

If there is any relationship as intense and as open to abuse, it is the marriage. Two lives, two hearts, two totality, coming together like rivulets crashing together into a turbulent stream.... a powerful force that can shape what it meanders around.

And perhaps this is why the marriage is a sign of the Kingdom. When two hearts can learn to rest in trust in the Heart of Love, and slowly pick up the skills to speak, listen, and act out of trust in God and each other, that training will overflow into other areas of life. That unity will sustain other lives (children especially) through the inevitable seasons of life. That union will showcase that the genders can co-operate and bring out the best in each other, and not compete as if there is only space for one gender.

If you are not married, there are yet plenty of places to grow to trust.

As we trust God, His trustworthiness folds into our being and we too grow to be able to trust others and ourselves better.

Do you really want to live the way you do? A small shift can be seismic.

Rare is the person who is fully contented, at peace with every tiny bit of life's details, and enjoying every relationship. 

Not rare, impossible.

A life is a very full and complicated thing. On our own, we have to relate to our body, wrestle with our emotions, figure our thoughts and make countless decisions big and small. With others, we have to negotiate relationships, learn protocols and expectations, improve communication, enforce boundaries. Then there is God. That's just huge. While it's certainly true that our relationship with God trumps and shapes all other relationships, we are mired in a compulsive avoidance of God, preferring the safety of religious motions to true encounter.

Now plonk this person in a busy, fast-paced city like Singapore with a spirit of FOMO (fear of missing out), most of us are running on a nervous energy that makes it hard to slow, still and savour.

Just describe to me what your last meal tasted like. It's hard for most of us (unless it was burnt or Michelin-star perhaps). 

I once asked a class of students the colour of the wall right outside their room. They couldn't tell me. It was a startling orange hue of red! 

We see, notice, feel and taste astonishing little with our pace and our lack of inner space.

So my three weeks away in Minnesota gave me a blessed reprieve from busy city-living with all its clamorous noises and demands. {more pictures here: scenes from Minnesota}

When I return, as we all do from some trip, you get those who will say with a wry smile, "welcome back to reality".  I really dislike that phrase because it feels like escapism. A retreat, a vacation or a study break should not be escapism. They are meant to be a break from the routine so that we can come back stronger. To simply long for a different life is escapism. To intentionally shape one's life however, is not.

Yes, life in Minnesota was a sweet, different reality, one that suited me especially as I began my writing project on silence. But my life is here in the city, in Singapore, with a busy schedule, growing children, a marriage that needs patience and work, words that need to be thought and written, dreams that need to be deciphered.

I am deeply grateful for a different reality for three weeks.  But whether Minnesota or Singapore, the place I inhabit is my body and soul. This is why two people can go to a same place and describe their experience of it in vastly different ways. The two will notice, enjoy and find meaning or not, depending on the state of their body and soul, the latter being the more important force.

Minnesota refreshed me deeply because the ease with which I adapted to the long, empty hours, affirmed that my body and soul were not attached to, or addicted to plenty of do-ing, being busy and appearing successful. This adaptability I put down to several reasons. One is the long years of learning to live simply.

Simplicity is a powerful gale force that strips us down to the essentials.

Simplifying makes us answer the deep questions of life:

What do i really need?
Where do I see value?
How much am I willing to pay (in money, time, effort) for this?

In our land of glaring consumerism, and with 24/7 wifi, it is too easy to become distracted and fill up my attention, time and energy with 'one more useful/handy/beautiful thing'. We actually should speak up as citizens that our spaces are overwhelming crowded with shops and pushcarts plying more or less the same wares. It is an assault to our senses and an insult to our sensibilities. We are far more than working machines and insatiable consumers.

It isn't just material things either. We are so fed with perfect images and sound bytes that it is easy to expect our emotions to be positive, push our bodies to be breathtaking and work that bit longer.

If your body is constantly tired and your soul feels breathless, then it is time to make a shift somewhere. It is time to simplify. 

Speaking of simplifying, consider its reverse. The Americans are pretty fanatical about tool-man-ship. They need to have the right tools for every task. Garlic peeler? Four kinds of staplers? Sixty ways for mobility? A different scissor for kitchen, kid, teen and adult (ok I exaggerate perhaps). My sister-in-law, now an American concurs, and so does my American friend I pointed this out to. I love it that in Asia, we have this ingenuity of using a knife to cut, smash, pry, poke, peel. Hey, it works. Simplify.

Let's give ourselves to things that are deeper and more enduring. 

We need more time to care for our bodies in a way that is not fussing over the latest supplement or treatment.

We need more space to care for our soul that is not wondering if we should be running off to another seminar or study.

Jesus: consider the lilies...

the daily squirrel

my spartan office

Simplifying is a small step with seismic effects.

When we can walk slower and notice the environment and really look at faces.
When we can taste our food and marvel at the miracle that is cooking, eating and growing.
When we can take deep breaths and pause at intervals through the day because we are not over-worrying about all the details.
When we can feel good and smile that the blouse has now become like second skin.
When we can experience that we actually finish a conversation {yes, this!}.
When we no longer need to spend so much time cleaning, packing, hunting for items in our bags, cupboards and storerooms.

When you need less, you release more of yourself and your resources.

This means more:

money

attention

energy

possibilities

awareness

There are two sides to this journey to living a different life. As we simplify, we release more resources. We can then use these resources in a different way.

What is something you can do less of or something you can stop needing?

establish a boundary

One of the things I really want for my family is great communication and laughter. This takes time. It also means a certain state of being (which isn't easy with a boy who grumbles about school and a teen who needs a lot of time on her smartphone). 

How do we cough up the time, and set the tone? Clearly, someone has to take point here. In any setting, a leader is required. Leadership after all, is about getting people from Point A to Point B, with them happily moving along as if the ideas was theirs! 

So I lead the way. By simplifying my own life, I free resources to dream and scheme about this aspect of our family life. The most natural spaces and times for great communication and laughter I find are meals and bedtime. I simplify those times by focusing less on the eating and more on the conversations. I don't always get it right (which mom doesn't fuss over getting everyone to eat right?). We don't always succeed. But small bit by small bit, experiences become habits that turn around to shape the sense of meaning and to build memories.

What is something you long for at home? How can simplifying enable you to build towards it?

Please share below in the comments!

Related reads:
Travel notes from a trip to the NZ
Yearning for true home

If you need ideas to keep you on track to simplifying: Becoming Minimalist

The slow cooker approach to life, and why we all need mentors

I have never quite seen it in this light before.

In my mind, I am the one who craves collaboration. I was giving in, trying to negotiate and seeking to submit, as a wife.

But lately I realised that I may have been a tad wrong about myself and too harsh on my spouse.

Since turning fifty, I have developed this inclination to think of my parents who have gone on ahead to Paradise. I also think of my growing years with more distance and objectivity.

As a young adult, there is a certain fierce  protection of who we are becoming and the stories we tell ourselves are all valour and glory.

The time we stood up to the teacher
That moment we got the grade we worked for
The dream job we missed but the other one that worked well enough
All the things we will still do and places we will go!

But now, I am more open to being wrong, even about myself. And this realisation cements for me two values I have held dear and tried to pursue:

1. The critical importance of an honest community/mentor
2. Within the marriage, the critical importance of a growth fertiliser, such as a date night.

As I grew up in a large household with parents who are busy making ends meet and siblings who are all neck-deep in their own growth and struggles, I have developed the habit of thinking things up and making my own way through life.

This self-reliance is great in so many ways. It gave me a sense of confidence and filled my life with possibilities (the range thankfully curtailed by my faith foundations).

Yet, like all youths, I needed guidance and the presence of someone older and kind who would believe in me and allow me once in a while to stand on their shoulders to gaze further into the horizon. That I did not find. My extroversion and leadership capabilities created an impression that I was always okay. In a telling moment, a slightly younger person once came up to me and asked me why I was always so cheery. I knew I wasn’t always cheery. I wrestled with whether I was being hypocritical and was satisfied that I wasn’t. I am basically positive and hopeful in my outlook.

So my need went undetected.

No one saw it. I did not feel it.

Much of my learning and mentoring happened with books. Books are great. They mentor us in the world of truths and ideas. But now I see that they are not adequate. The authors never saw me and certainly will never witness my life to be able to speak specifically into it. That is the work of a personal mentor, or friend who loves your soul and wants the best for you.

This I lacked.

Thankfully in God's Providence, the wisdom of the books shored up my intellect and my soul.

Over the years, my abilities and capacities deepened and enlarged as the opportunities continued to come. I led teams and on the whole did a good job. But one thing about leadership always bothered me: the decision making process. More often than not, opinions are sought and the decision is usually one person's prerogative. The world after all, feeds us a model of leadership that is largely the superhero zeitgeist. I have gone to enough leadership conferences to hear 'the buck stops here' and 'it's lonely at the top' repeated ad nauseam. Well, the whole subject of how decisions are made requires another post, but we get the idea. (In the church, however, we are all living stones God is putting together and we all have the same Holy Spirit within us. So the superhero model (or dream CEO model) is not a good one for us). Very few of us have the privilege of being guided lovingly in our choices and decisions. Yet how our lives turn out, rests upon key decisions we make.

Now if thinking is largely done alone and in one's head and heart, no wonder we find it tricky in marriage for decisions happen all the time over matters small and big.


This is why I puzzle over what other couples speak or write of when they use: “we decided….”.  How did they arrive at their decision? Do they both believe it equally? How long did they pray and was it necessary to study the Scripture too?

Of course, there is no one way, and it is plain naivete to think that a good, godly decision agreed upon will lead to perfect, desired outcomes. Life is just far too complex for that.


But I hear too much frustration and feel it enough myself to know that for most of us, this is an area that needs some rethinking. Like me, perhaps you also have the need to be listened to, to be challenged, to collaborate, and to make decisions well with another soul.

Actually, this takes a slow cooker process of knowing our values and percolating through what consequences we are ready to live with,  and what we believe is the direction God is setting us on. Alas, it is more likely, with city living, that we microwave our thoughts and pan-fry our decisions, only to be left wondering afterwards….


Seven years ago I asked my husband to begin date nights. We took a long time to get around to it. Initially our daily irritations would keep creeping into our times and take all the wind out of our sails. We were bobbing in waters and seemed to be going nowhere fun. It was easy to give up. But we returned to it. We do it more regularly now. Often, we still apply the microwave mode, hoping to have fizz, fun, romance all happen, plus spiritual substance to boot. It’s a good thing we are getting older I guess. We realise that the slow cooker mode works better. So much less stress, just keep the current going and let the things break down themselves and get all gooey and stick together and let all the wonderful nutrients seep into the broth.

There is a serious parallel here with our spiritual life too.

We want a spiritual high.

God wants us to go slow and steady and for the long haul, right into eternity (yes, I know that's not length as such).

Perhaps like me, your strength of being fiercely able and independent can work against what is truly good for you.

A strength needs to be noticed, nurtured and directed to release its true potential.


I advocate that all young people have some form of mentoring.
That community be authentic enough for us to learn to listen to each other.


This will require what we take a slow cooker approach to life a bit more.

Especially with our soul mates.

Folks, we have a desperate need to slow down, cultivate stillness and silence, and learn to listen and communicate.

We need to be slow enough to notice our souls and hear our own needs.

We need to seek out mentors, and risk being told hard stuff we need to hear.

We need to slow down to listen enough so we hear the soul of another, not just the words.

We need to communicate that we care for their needs, even if we may not be able to do anything about it. 

So much is at stake with all our speed.

What is one way you can slow down in the coming month?


images credit: https://www.extremetech.com/extreme/202924-the-25-best-images-from-the-hubble-telescopes-25-years-in-space