You are the best parents for your child(ren): how to love to bits and build character

Very often, we see building character and loving our children as being at odds. Character building somehow has this boot camp dimension to it. 'Toughen them up' is the mantra; especially for fathers {pl read this guys!}. 

Ok let's unpack this and get it clear in our hearts and heads.

The foundation for all character formation is RELATIONSHIP. This simply means that the quality of our relationship with our children determines everything else. And the nature of the relationship between a parent and child? L-O-V-E of course.

It would seem a no-brainer. Of course we love our children to bits! {then why don't they appreciate it and behave better?}

Ah, but I found that there are two things that get in the way of our love and, in the end, it gets in the way of their character formation too.

Number 1: when the child doesn't feel it.

One of the first and most helpful parenting books I read is titled How To Really Love Your Child ! That set me thinking...what does love feel and look like to a child? What does it look like to a certain personality, through certain seasons, and in specific situations?

And the answer isn't difficult - if - we take the time to see and feel from their perspective. How does a young child or a teen feel? Not that differently from you!

Like you and I, they want to be noticed, to be cheered on, to feel safe to share their struggles and not be judged, to be supported, to have someone say, "I understand"...

But as life is really choices x time; we need to really ask if we make the time and what choices we make with those times.This video which many mothers took offense at was rather poignant: do you really know your child? {click to watch video}

My son was a near perfect baby. He was easy to care for, coos sweetly to himself and soaks up the wonder of the world. He never cries when he awakes; he babbles. He was enthu about everything (okay, except eating. I did say he was near-perfect!). But as he grew, things began to surface. He was much more afraid of new challenges that his sister ever was. He wasn't going to just leap into your arms, be placed on a swing, or attempt to read. He resisted being tested and hated being taunted. He was sensitive to a fault about how others talked to him and handled his things. Naturally, it made for many socially uncomfortable, and even painful experiences. Add to that, he was hyperactive. Teachers were unhappy. Friends got upset. Even church wasn't a positive experience.

I could not love my son the way I loved my daughter. He would feel abject neglect and be a mess. He needed more, and different. He needed me to spend time almost everyday making sense of the world that he felt was cramming him; a world that was hard to survive in and navigate. To be honest, the journey was very painful at times. I had to absorb alot of misunderstanding. I had to let go of my expectations. I had to forgive him, myself and others because when a child cannot walk the straight line, he stumbles and steps on toes; and that's always painful.

Love for my son meant heartfelt listening, prayer, reading up on his personality and profile, a lot of perseverance to help him keep going, not give up, overcome hurdles... It is easy for a child like him to grow with anger, resentment and fear. 

I cannot be grateful enough for my choice to care deeply for my children. Our home life has a sweetness and together-ness that is so precious.

And recently, I read about 5 keys to helping children build character*.

The first key:

children need to feel genuinely cared for.

Bingo!

The triumph of character formation comes when I see him get back in and tries again. He told us that this term in school is his best ever because he has 'converted his enemies to become his friends'. Recently over dinner when I asked what I could pray for them, he said easily that he needed to be able to keep forgiving those who hurt him.

It's not easy to find that line between acknowledging his hurt is real and helping him toughen up and there are days I mess up! But I get back into the ring and fight my fears and grow my muscles. He is going to have to flex his own muscles soon; but it would not happen if he did not feel mine when he needed them most.

Where are you being the strength for your child?
How do you give them hope?
Does your child feel really cared for?

Number 2: when we cruise
The second thing that sabotages our love is our tendency to take things for granted. 

We all take things for granted. Every holiday, festivity, memorial we chant the same thing: "it's so easy to take each other for granted". I have said it. I am sure you have to. Sometimes with a deep tinge of loss even.

At work, it is certainly easy to feel taken for granted. Often everyone wants the credit but won't really share the hardwork! You can do good, sincere work that goes unnoticed and unrewarded. Then alas, we can come home and as parents, we can sure feel like we are being taken for granted! 

More than once, I had to re-teach my children the difference between request and demand! Familiar I am sure:

child: I want chicken rice for dinner

me: say, please may I have chicken rice for dinner.

And of course with a mighty teen, a convivial conversation can turn a sudden corner into a power tussle!

It's a hard calling this parenting thing. We have to dig deep to hit the Spring that never runs dry, because we have to keep showing up and loving while we may be feeling like it's all draining away and we are bone-weary, dry and brittle ourselves. 

Downtime is so important.

But, sometimes, we let go of the wheel and cruise.

School, meals, activities...can all become so routinized. Add to that the manic presence of the little gadget that immediately diverts you away from where you are and who you are with to friends and strangers whose images and ideas are so much more appealing... Yes, attention, care, warmth and understanding quotient nose dives easily rapidly! {if you need some help putting that device away, perhaps watch this: pay attention la .

So if we want to build character in our children, we need to watch for how we lapse into cruise; because it invalidates our love for them. We need to care for them in a way which they feel and experience as meaningful.


Here are all the 5 aspects of character development:

1. Express Care: Show that you like me and want the best for me.
2. Challenge Growth: Insist that I try to continuously improve.
3. Provide Support: Help me complete tasks and achieve goals.
4. Share Power: Hear my voice and let me share in making decisions.
5. Expand Possibility: Expand my horizons and connect me to opportunities.

Which of these speak to you?

* from The Search Institute's Newest Study of Developmental Relationships compiled in the book, Don't Forget the Families: The Missing Piece in America's Effort to Help All Children Succeed (Kent Pekel, Ed.D., Eugene C. Roehlkepartain, Ph.D., Amy K. Syvertsen, Ph.D., and Peter C. Scales, Ph.D.) says there are 5 keys to building character in children.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): 3 anchors for your kids' bright future

Go on and ask me. Yes, the Q:

how much is enough?

This question comes at us especially when we feel the harsh winds that augur breakage. Did I do 

teach
discipline
care
pray

enough?

Until bottle feeding became vogue so that we could mark of how many mililitres the little one drank; the babe just sucked, we felt lighter..and then it was enough, most of the time!

We have invented so many ways of measuring ourselves: weight and height charts, growth goals, nutritional intake charts, and of course the all-important school grades. It's little wonder we ask ourselves this Q. 

Just that it's really hard to actually measure many things in life; especially those that matter.

Did we love enough? Some days it just doesn't feel like we did - and it's often those days we've worked to our bone already! Or maybe we tried what worked before; but it doesn't work this round.

So to be honest, I don't know when any of it is enough. 

But perhaps that's the wrong question after all. 

We may be better off starting off with a vision of what life is all about and preparing our children for it. For those of us who live and love with a view of eternity, here are 3 things to anchor on: 

1. soak them in Scripture

Religion is boring. Truth is not. The Bible is truthful about the human condition. The Bible brings forth Truth by recording for us who God is and what the world is about. The Bible can surface truth in our hearts as we let it wash over us.

One of the most astounding things for me to this day is how both my children are drawn to God because of the pictures, stories, wonder, awe, and reality they encounter in Scripture. I felt I rarely needed to explain or defend God to them. He is there within the pages. My son said spontaneously when he was three that he really wanted to meet Jesus!

A side benefit: mothering in the earliest days was a lot of daily humdrum. Singing the songs of faith - fun, quirky, contemplative - were life-savers for me. The beat helped keep my feet moving and the music drew child and mother into a larger circle.

2. show them how you get through the hard stuff

We all want to feel secure. Yet life can throw so many surprises at us. Job losses, friends turning away, romance all but fizzled out, repeated disappointments... Children get their share of disappointment too. The sudden rain. The haze. The toy that cannot be shared / bought... We need to live through these things without becoming a cynic or a crusty old soul.

In your choices, your prayers, your countenance (yes, smile still), children find hope and build resilience as they watch us breathe deep and walk on.

3. seek big dreams {and don't conclude too soon}

Perhaps 1 in a million kids really have a clue what they want to be and do. They may change their minds still.

One of the things we regularly forget is how wonderful ordinary is. There's nothing 'ordinary' - not as Mother Teresa reminds us, when we do little things with great love!

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." ~ Galatians 5v6

Faith is believing in something you don't quite yet see. {Wait, don't get carried away with your unfulfilled dreams and beware trying to live your life over again through your children!}. It is really hard to imagine how our children will finally turn out. I have certainly met enough parents who have sighed a huge relief that after tempestuous years; the children emerged right side up after all!

The object of our faith then cannot be the future we dream up. It is faith in Someone, rather than something. Faith that Someone cares deeply and walks daily with you through the loops and twists.

And here's a warning: don't get all besotted with the spectacular. It is so easy these days when children can sing, dance, cook, and who knows what next!  I am truly amazed at the capabilities of these children. But I take care not to let my children seem less because of the glare from these shining, stunning ones.

Also, it's important to distinguish between what is spectacular and what is truly useful. I borrow these wise words from Eric Massanari:

Our excitable minds are easily drawn to all that appears exciting, attractive, innovative, and extraordinary. What’s more, the mind has an amazing, natural capacity for categorization and evaluation; we are quick to judge our experiences and encounters as pleasing or displeasing, welcome or unwelcome, holy or unholy. Given these tendencies we can be found grumbling our way through the mundane, anxiously suffering through the pain, and chasing after transient moments of pleasure. An entire consumer culture has been built around our preferences, trying to sell us all manner of things and experiences to amplify the pleasure, avoid the boredom, and anesthetize the pain.

{ The stories of scripture are full of women and men who are learning how to perceive the presence of God in the midst of their daily rounds and the shadowed valleys of their lives }

This isn’t just a modern phenomenon, of course; it is an old human story, as the biblical scriptures attest. The stories of scripture are full of women and men who are learning how to perceive the presence of God not only in moments of spiritual clarity and joy, but also in the midst of their daily rounds and the shadowed valleys of their lives.More than one character in the Bible echoes the words of Jacob who, surprised by God in the middle of a particularly barren moment, says: “Surely the Lord is in this place—and I did not know it!” (Genesis 28:16).

With faith-eyes, we seek to focus in on the daily Holy; but just in case we get all uptight {and some of our personalities are pretty strong on right/wrong spectrum} the verse says that faith needs to express itself in a loving way.

So guide your children lovingly to the One who knows and loves them without end. Help them discover dreams that are useful, work that adds value, creative endeavours that bring positive change.

Of course, along the way, you will be racked with many moments of doubt.... I always thought my daughter will make a great lawyer; or perhaps not....Not going to Law school after all? It's not the end of the world! It's not even the end of the story of her life. In fact, setbacks, obstacles and detours are part of what shape and define us.

Hold out those dreams that they will live large and love deep. Don't let who they are now fool 
you. Dream big and don't conclude too soon.


See God, real, present and at work. Help them take another step in the right direction.

Our destiny is found in our footsteps.
The imprint we leave is traced by  the footprints we make.

And the hope for our wrecked world? This -

credit: many thanks to Leunig!

3 tips for happier pre-school years {Parenting / Family Life series}

It doesn't happen often, but yes, sometimes we do things we didn't think we would.

What have you done for the first time - because - you are a parent?

credit: flicka.com

For the Explorer types, parenting can be a lot of fun because the whole world re-opens before you: books to read, places to go, that five-stone game you didn't quite master as a child...

I thrive and even find myself breathless trying to keep up with all the 'good stuff' we can do! Children's art festival, picnics, playdates, indoor and outdoor play, museums, library, wildlife reserves...as Dr Seuss says, 'there's places to go and things to see'!.

Hey, if you can, don't take on a full-time job just yet, because these few precious years won't come round again, ever. The pre-school years (if you don't make the mistake of filling it up with structured enrichment) is an amazing time to bond, bond, bond!

What's the big deal with a strong, abiding bond? Things are built on it. It's called a Foundation. Loose pieces not quite fitted don't provide the same foundation.


Back to exploring, doing, going out. Just a little sense I learnt in 3 D's:

1. don't exhaust yourself.

Doing stuff is not collecting stars to say you are a better parent. Don't go rushing off to all and sundry activities. Don't get all worked up that you missed that event (especially if it's free) as you gaze at the happy faces of your friends' kids on Facebook.

Tired = grumpy = inattentive = no fun to be with!


2. develop a plan

A plan is a good way to provide some boundaries. Your plan should include: how much time/energy is required. What is the budget? How many activities per month is healthy for you? Are there specific interests or opportunities you want to seize? When my children were young, I had a chart something like this:

Interest to develop

Strength to develop

Possible explore/fun

I made a list of things to do and then see if it fitted my time/energy, budget and schedule. I also thought about whether I was genuinely interested / willing to be interested to do those things; because really, what's the point of plonking them somewhere while we are busy with our devices?


As the children grew older, I encouraged them to plan for the holidays using something similar.

Time is too precious to squander away in front of the TV or just idling. Their minds and hearts are hungry to grow and are being shaped by what they do or don't do.

credit: sestram.wordpress.com

3. dat was fun!

Never make the mistake of turning everything into 'learning'-- you know, quizzing them. 'So, what did you learn?'. Unfortunately, the school system will make learning take on a negative hue so you will be adding to the burden on their little shoulders. I am huge on learning so this is sometimes an area where I go overboard. I would fret if an activity wasn't really 'useful'. O what a killjoy I can be!

Children have a way of sniffing out fun and liveliness... so just relax and see the fun in it all. Besides, learning is always happening and is most effective if you are genuinely interested and invested in it.

One of our favourite memories is making a big deal of post-rain puddles. We take time to put on raincoats, pick out an umbrella...all to jump in the puddles that formed, and then coming back to a warm bath and snack. Or how about a walk to nowhere in particular for half a hour?


A cautionary note: it's very important to take note of how your child feels about changes. Some kids don't do well with changes, new activities and unfamiliar people. Clearly, that won't be fun. So don't push it. And did we say, parenting is about first-time stuff? Well, for some of us, it will be a first to be genuinely still interested in that story we have read fifty times, "sing that song again?"... Learn to enjoy a regular trip to the playground with endless minutes on the swing. Seriously, if you have a kid who loves the regular stuff over and over; it's a gift as you can actually use that as down time. {do you have any idea how hyped you are most times?}

Well, 'dat was fun!' is the attitude that goes far to bond you! Remember, happy parents produce happy children!


Of course, Explorer types are typically married to Entrenched types who prefer the world of safety, the familiar and planned-way-ahead. In the early years of parenting, the differences in a couple actually get accentuated. Very few couples agree on how to raise their kids, what to spend time on, where to go... even who to hang out with (especially if it's with 'other parents').

So yea, not always a happy camper I. But I'll talk about that another time.


Your turn:
1. What are some ways you enjoy bonding with your child(ren)?
2. If you basically an Eeyore, how can you lift your spirit and theirs up?

You are the best parents for your child(ren): from praying for change to being changed -Uncommon prayers for your marriage

Our prayers for our spouses can be summarised in one word.

Yes, I have prayed those prayers and talked with countless women about their men and how we all pray... The word is -

c.h.a.n.g.e.

credit: Mashable

We need our guys to change.

Along the hi-ho way we discover to our chagrin that we aren't the matching Lego pieces. There are those awkward, sharp pointy edges that just get on our nerves -

not providing enough
not talking enough
not helping enough
not attentive enough
not spiritual enough!

Wait.

I am scrambling through every page of the Good Book to see if there was ever a promise that there would be an Enough Spouse. Rats.

No.

I am in pieces.

[You can read the highlights of the story in my book When God Shapes a w.i.f.e. {book nook}]

So yea, the common prayer in marriage? To ask for change. And perhaps even the temptation to check out and find someone fresh and more fitting. Or to be guilt-wrecked for we done gone and married a non.


Many wonderful women plead for change on their part too. I have lost count of the times I stood in church and instead of singing; I am praying for my horrid attitude and complete lack of love. We are not so blindsided or proud to fail to admit that we are not-quite-perfect ourselves.

Then I remember.
Of course.

Prayer - it's about a sharing of the heart's cry with the one who formed the heart.


So dig deep friends.

Over the years of digging around, I have found some difficult to reach spots and some crusted, dry regions that won't break open easily too.

Our prayers rise up from the ground of our hearts.

The wife who was betrayed and in self-protection numbs herself from all expectations may even cease to pray. But it isn't just a matter of requests not named. It is a heart that is not healed.


So over the years, I have found that in looking at the pride, fear, and love-less-ness that still resides in my heart; I have been led to Uncommon Prayers for -

truth
courage
honest conversations
kindness
gentle looks
generous laughter
serving others
loving beyond ourselves

It is so easy to forget God has joined together so that it is no longer Me but We.

Spirit-inspired prayers always foster the We back into the soil of the marriage.

Pray for eyes to see yourself the way Perfect Love sees.
Pray for eyes to see your spouse that way too.

May you pray from the depths of your heart - yes, start with the complaints; but move the conversation further. As you unburden, the Spirit finds space to move within you and surface those prayers that He himself prays and will therefore resonate with an answer from heaven.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): just keep winning this 'A' tussle

Some of the worst wars are unseen.

That successful executive on the Feature page?
The bedraggled after-work aunt dozing off on the train?
The young man all suited up in stylish A&F?

We all live lives of quiet desperation so said Thoreau. We do. We desperately want a better, easier, richer, more colourful, fulfilling, exciting, relaxing... life.

We also want more co-operative, agreeable, disciplined, spiritually receptive children, who are more like us.

So this war rages on within us. The war of Acceptance.



It takes much to accept our lives, and to accept our children.

What I have learnt is this: refusing to accept blinds us to the good and robs us of the good to come. 

Of course there are things that must change. There always will. The children can learn to speak more respectfully. They can be more considerate that the home is a shared space and take care of it. They can contribute ideas, time and even means. There are habits that must be looked at seriously and overcome perhaps.

But grumbling about how bad things are hardly ever improves anything.

The world is very slow at learning this because the family which is the soil of all human BE-ing has been stripped of so much of this wondrous nutrient called Acceptance. In our eager rush to fit in with the norm, to catch up with the best, to be ahead of the pack, we will forever zoom in on what is 'missing' and 'lacking'. It will be the last twenty marks on that paper 80/100 that captures our attention. All the time we are communicating, 'I cannot accept this'.

This is what drives children to suicide.
This is what gives us a world that hurtles on with  a superficial 'progress' as we watch our souls 'regress'.
This is what makes the home a place of strain and tension, not peace and growth.

Just how do we get to Acceptance?

My god-daughter was diagnosed to be autistic when she was about two. When you have a first born who is clearly marked 'will be successful', a younger sibling who is on a whole different dimension is a hard thing to embrace. But I watch my girlfriend brave the journey. Of course she questioned. Of course she wept. Of course she prayed and wondered and hoped for a miracle. But she also let her love for her daughter lead the way. Her heart shifted to a grieving loss and acceptance, to a fighter's resolve, to a compassionate effort to link arms with other parents like her. It is amazing to see how much my god-daughter is able to do in terms of self-care and relating to others.

Acceptance is what makes it possible for us to thrive.

This is why "God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world; but to save the world through Him.: {John 3v17}

WOW.

Perfection knows the way is not to demand we measure up; but bends down, reaches out, and embraces. The way up is down - laying down in His acceptance of us.

And if Perfection in all His wisdom knows the way and shows it to us; why not walk in it?

My own little darling was never any issue for me until she began school. The opportunities for her sin nature to feed and manifest grew exponentially as she found language and values that did not agree with how I raised her. Then as she morphed into a petulant, sullen teen; she grew even more unlike me, and started showing distinct personality weaknesses. I have heard many mothers moaned the 'loss' of their little angels! But no amount of sighing and wishing will bring them back! The angel is going through a metamorphosis and our acceptance of this process is critical.

It has been said that if you tried to help the butterfly out of the cocoon, you will kill it. That cute little fuzzy, wuzzy caterpillar must meta-morph; and it needs its own time to do so.


Our failure to accept indicates that we are holding on to something and cannot behold what is before us with untainted eyes. 'Not good enough' is fed to all our senses everyday that we believe it more readily than what is really before us: a living being that has the potential to change the world.

Letting our children be who they are at this point of time is the beginning of acceptance. And it is this strong rich soil that feeds and holds up a strong plant. There will be times when storms will come and buffet and as we accept life's challenges and accept our kids as they weather theirs; we won't topple.

Acceptance also grows as we realise how much our God, our spouse and our children accept us. It's easy to lose sight of this! We always feel our pain most keenly; but we can be a pain too!


I learnt to really see my children: where they are at, how they are feeling, what they are struggling with, how they are trying, what they have accomplished. Then to my relish, I see them responding and thriving.

Letting go and letting be is where we start.

Remembering that we can be a source of grief is a potent, humbling reminder.

Good soil that enables a plant to really thrive is nutrient rich with Nitrogen, Potassium and Phosphorous; an unseen army of compounds. And I can think of no matter battle-effective strategy for this war of Acceptance than oft unseen habit of Gratitude.

{click on these links for helps & inspiration}

keep a gratitude journal
a little bird sings and I am grateful

You are the best parents for your child(ren): keep calm! {#1 of Being Parents/Family Life Series}

Got kids? 

Are you mom, dad, granddad, aunt...foster parent?  If you are the main caregiver (and ideally it should be the biological parents) then hold on to this: you are the best parents for your child.  To believe otherwise will sell out what you can do. Children also detect this thing called 'Unreal' very easily. I don't mean fairy tales - those are believable - but they know when we don't feel and mean what we say and do.

Yes there are days (sometimes many days) we dream of care-freer days where there was more money, time, energy (and sex?)...but the fact is  you.now.are. a parent and you cannot just throw in the towel; because lives are at stake. So -

Breathe deep.

You - can - do - this. 

The child needs you.

In fact, you need this too.

Yes, parenting is tough. There are so many easy ways to get mad with ourselves -

He looks so skinny

O dear, she's still struggling to read

I said the thing wrong thing -- again -- and now she's banged the door 

How did I end up doing this - all by myself?

There are so many moments we can get angry at the child -

Why did you hit the other kid?

 Can't you sit still? 

What? Spilled the milk again?

Why is this homework not done?

Are you even listening to me?

We get angry. Sometimes too angry.

Honest parents have concurred that sometimes they are a short step away from abusing their own kids - through words, neglect, or even punishment in a fit of anger. 

In my research for my book Simple Tips for Happy Kids, a line by a child psychologist stuck with me:

Children are petrified by Anger

Our anger overwhelms them. The energy burns into their soul and rattles them. Without the means to out-talk and out-reason us, most children are bewildered and lost when anger is frothing over like lava that melts them from the inside out. If this goes on often enough; the child becomes even more vulnerable - emotionally and physically. They will withdraw into some form of shell they must imagine exists to protect themselves. 

This is why it is so paramount that as parents we watch our emotional Richter scale! Fact is, some of us are more explosive than others and anger often erupts so we feel like we have little control. 

But eruptions happen because something is already boiling beneath the surface. 

Could it be our unmet expectations?
Could it be the pressure from others?
Could it that we are way too stretched by our ambitions?

We need to discover who we are and examine our hearts; and perhaps see a counselor.
We need to create margins and buffers.
We need to brave it and look at what is simmering within our soul.

I am not proud to confess that I have seen my kids cringe at my outbursts. But I learnt there's a way to Keep Calm. {click to read}

Keeping calm actually begins with talking calmly to yourself; for the anger has begun from somewhere deep within.

"a gentle answer turns away wrath" ~ Proverbs 15v1

Be gentle with yourself.

You are under a lot of pressure.
You need finances, solutions, energy, enthusiasm, hope and more... 

Ask yourself what is the next step required; not the entire map. Then take that step.

Be gentle with your child(ren). 

They are under a lot of pressure, like you.
They pick up your stresses.
They do want to live up to your expectations.
They experience the power of sin in themselves and others that can make them feel defeated.


I believe that children from households of faith, who have leaned their hearts Godward are born again with the spiritual capacities to love, hear and obey God. Trust in God's Grace and power at work in them.

Countless times when I have worried and panicked; I have heard through the tears and silence an assurance that 'they are okay' even if they don't seem to shine the way the world wants them to.

I have also found that gentleness with children always arises after I have prayed and sought God's love for them. His love fills me and helps me see them afresh with His eyes of patient, loving-kindness and great hope.

I turn and tell them that I notice, and that I pray, even if I don't always understand (esp for the teen). The anger that could build up within them abates and they soften.

Anger fuels anger --

be gentle with yourself so you can speak without so much edge and volume,
be gentle with the children so they can feel the freedom to speak up.

Then gentleness breeds a bond that is strong. How strange sounding; but so true.

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Dangerous Places in the heart that can kill you

You may think I overstate my case. Death? But I assure you I do not.

We have a view and experience of what it means to be alive. If you read the Word, you find what commonly passes off as 'living' doesn't make the cut of what the Original Intention was {for the whole story on this, please read my book Shed Those Leaves}.

In fact, the word 'death' occurs quite a bit in the Word though it always get trumped by Life (see Resurrection).

This one word is also used to describe three kinds of death:

physical, bodily death - when our body stops to function
permanent spiritual death - when our separation from God is final and irrevocable
current spiritual death - when our lives do not comply with our faith claims

Modern science confirms what the Word says: we do have some influence over our physical passing. Sinful habits that persist can lead to death. But of course, since we are not exactly tracking it, we commonly think that we have absolutely no say. Death comes unannounced for most; and even if you have years or months to wait it out; it will always still feel like a thief sneaked up on you.

The second too is tricky really. Many people obsess over this and want an iron-clad guarantee that once they are saved; they will always be saved. I suppose a very simple analogy can help here. You could be rescued from drowning, but you can choose to jump back into the churning waters. So we certainly do decide on this one; but the decision is not a sales deal or a transaction. It behooves you to think why you were drowning and help others out. Based on what Jesus tells us in Matthew 25, it sounds like there can be some surprises in the end.

The third kind is a daily reality: it's called dying to sin and self in order to truly live. This sits squarely on our shoulders; or should I say, in our hearts.


Why so moribund you may ask?

Well, I was sitting in my special chair where I regularly consider the big questions when I found my thoughts drifting towards a region of the mind-heart that belongs to what I call a dangerous place. It is one of 3 R-rated places in our hearts. I have wrestled with self and sin enough to know that these places starve us of Life and can lend us in a state of spiritual stupor, where we become pale, waterless clouds that live adrift with nary a purpose.

R-egrets

Listen, no one alive has no regrets. Yes I have them; such as this one, where I let my friends down.Or what about the job I chose not to take for some filmsy reason that isn't well-thought through? Who knows what phenomenal success I will be enjoying now if I had taken it.
I once tried to comfort a friend who was unable to forgive herself for years. The regret drove her to depression and shaped her decisions after that. It is easy when we are leafing through our album of regrets for the enemy to slip alongside and say: 'where was God? Didn't He guide you? Were you so sinful?'

R-emorse

This is like the emotional part of Repentance. It's necessary. being sorry for what we have thought/said/done cannot be a cold exercise in the calculation of personal merits! Tears often accompnay genuine repentance. But some of us can be quite absorbed with this..and then the enemy suggests: 'you just won't make a very good one will you? Better not be so h-o-l-y'.

R-ecriminations

We counter-accuse when we feel accused. It's our defense mechanism. We may not say it out loud; but when we are still smarting from unkind words or licking our wounds; it is easy to begin hurling accusations at those who have hurt us or let us down. We label them, put them down, reduce them to their mistake. The enemy is more than happy to add ammo: 'and it isn't the first time is it?'.

Looking back is important in helping us move forward. But it has to be an intentional time set aside to prayerfully consider one's life. Then we visit the places prepared and armed.


But all our minds drift at times, and our emotions tag along and often quickly magnify everything with their uncanny ability to get highly detailed and sensational. At such times, it is important to know not to dawdle, but to turn around and get out quickly. Cry if you must, Rant in your journal. Take a cold shower, run in the rain, have tea and read a book, hit the gym. Beware that dangerous places exist - and you can be safe.

Searching for my peers + observations of the generations + a call for In-Betweeners

I miss my peers. That's you if you were born in the region of 1965s.

I don't mean they have all been abducted by aliens; and yes, I can name those I do see and are good friends with. It's just so few.

When you think about it, it seems we always have peers with us. Certainly if we go through the paces of school - we are organised along age lines and march merrily (or not) with the flow until...

suddenly,
somehow,
somewhere,
all our paths diverge.


This sensation first struck me when I made a mental note of people I am spending time with, talking to, facebook following or being followed. They are all older or younger than me. It felt like such a surreal discovery, I was going to keep it to myself until in a casual conversation, someone else mentioned that he seemed to have lost his peers. I sat up. Well, I was not alone in my existential corner after all.

Perhaps I have neglected my friends I moaned. ("What? Friends since kindergarten?" - my actual words to an actual person). So I embarked on trying to find them. Facebook was very helpful here. Soon enough, I had an assortment of them like so many different kinds of chocolates in a box: old school friends, former church mates, groupies...  We even sometimes talked about getting a class reunion, an alumni gathering, a back to the past blast...but very little would happen. "O move on" someone said. I admit I have always had this nostalgic twinge to me. But is there more to it?

In fact, I did meet up with a group of old friends from youth days in church and it was very heartwarming and of course a lot of labour to figure out the nearly twenty years of life done! Thankfully we shared a tacit understanding that this meet ups will occur slowly over a long time.


But in real life, the everyday, I find that most of the women I relate with are older than me or else, younger.

The older women are in structured groups inevitably, mentoring group, exercise class and work-related relationships. The younger ones are discovered and cultivated through interest groups, activities and life mentoring.

There is something else. In both cases, though I am comfortable and enjoy them; I also find it takes quite a bit of effort to connect at times. You know, the humour, the language, the hidden codes in communication. I feel young with one, and old with the other. Both a privilege and a puzzle.

Maybe this is the more. There is this beautiful exhortation to women:

"...older women...teach what is good...train the younger women.."  ~Titus 2v25

I love the way this connects the generations, generating a community, a continuity, an interdependence, a sense of honour for the older and a compassionate concern for the younger. The text does have cultural elements (love husbands for example, which won't apply to single women) but the overall theme is one of an older generation investing in the younger one.

Alas, this is a huge difficulty. As I look at both sides I see a huge divide. Younger women today are so different from their older sisters! The access, opportunity, self-determination, knowledge base, even values are so different. I feel intimidated and wonderfully overwhelmed at what the younger set can get up to. I wonder if they need me at all. 

It's not unusual to find one generation flustered over the other; and mothers, aunts and older women in general cannot find successors for work and ministry. 

But this isn't in the end about fashion, language and technological changes. We can learn the LOLs and who doesn't love emojis:

This is about something deeper. We have a bent away from each other. Reaching out, trusting, risking a relationship has always been difficult. No one wants to feel foolish, or worse, get rejected. The air we breathe today breeds individualism and narcissism. 

It will take a lot of humility on both sides to look up and gaze across until our we sense that in the older/younger woman is a heart beating much like ours; and perhaps women who can --

enjoy both kopi-see and Latte
eat chee-cheong fun today and eggs benedict tomorrow
read 150 Psalms as well as Fifty Shades (or about it)
articulate her core values and listen to new ones
hold on to her faith and hold on to a doubter
release her children to adolescence yet go ga-ga over new borns

The in-betweeners.

These women can remind us all that while some strain will always exist between the generations; there is equally, if not more true; a precious bond in sisterhood that becomes bold and holds us all together if we tend to it. 

I hope to do so; and if you are my peer, join me. Just this: please let me know so I know you are real!


Your story and your scars are important for the next generation if you share it out of love for them.

Do you sometimes miss your peers?
How can you reach someone older, or someone younger?

Small things that cause Big Trouble... like Doubts

Since my bout with dengue, I am more alert to tiny things that wreck major havoc.

Consider the microscopic Yersinia Pestis {the name tells you it's up to no good} -- that's the one the rats carried around causing The Black Death which wiped out nearly half of Europe's population!

A lot of small things can cause big trouble.

Germs
Indiscretion
Compromise
Fudging
Denial

It may not take much imagination to consider how these can lead to greater woes from marital break-downs to criminal liability. But there are other small things we let slip which over time can lead to serious trouble too.

Consider the following:

Laziness can result in habits that undermine one's potential, can mean important things are left unsaid and undone.

Inaccuracy can lead to untruth. It's easy in our anger and tiredness to gloss over things or shorten what we need to express. But so much trouble ensues because we don't tell the whole story.

A lack of gratitude can lead to callousness, cynicism and a critical attitude.

{if any of these are calling out to you, this is where to stop reading and start asking yourself some hard Qs, and perhaps talk to someone you trust}


There is yet another set of seemingly small stuff that when undealt with can gather itself into a mountainous pile that gets too huge to surmount. Doubts.

Here is a plague that affects us all.

Whether they come in the form of

regrets (I should have / I wonder if..)
questions (can it be / it doesn't make sense / I feel it's unfair, strange, wrong...)
fears (what if..)

I live with these doubts. I journey with others about their doubts.

Alas few of us have learnt how to live with them in a way that is constructive. Instead, we often receive very unhelpful counsel such as -

it is wrong and a lack of faith to doubt
there is no absolute
we are being too subjective

So being the busy creatures we are, we ignore and stuff them up and away. But it doesn't work well - not for long.

If you continually battle doubts about your faith, spouse, work, self -- the doubts will seep out or they will pile up. They also colour our perspective and can distort our view, making things much worse than they are!

Doubts by Rae Henrietta 1886

The best thing to do in the face of all doubts is to have a true, honest conversation - first with yourself; then with someone you trust. I describe it here. {right click to read}

It is also important to distinguish which of 3 kinds of doubt {right click to read} you are grappling with so you can volley the right response at it!


Our doubts are us wanting to be sure. They demand an answer  and will echo around the chambers of your heart until it becomes a ruckus! So face them. Just remember, "there may be no answer to this one at this point of time" is an answer, when uttered in honesty after effort has been expended.

Think about it - you may save a life

This morning as I sat with my tea and kaya* toast, I thought once again of two friends who I no longer am able to contact. I have searched for them...but they are now elusive. This isn't the first time I miss people in my life.

Last night when I was at Ang Mo Kio Central, I avoided the huge exhibition on the late Mr LKY.


When you have touched grief, every death reaches a nerve that has been awakened it seems, and it relays quickly to tear ducts and places of loss. It's not a pleasant feeling and I did not want to go there as I am carrying some heartache within.



Eventually though, I walked among the black and white photos, the art pieces, the In-Memory lines penned by those who met, knew, and respected the man.

part of the exhibit at Ang Mo Kio Central Stage

I am not sure if this morning's longing to know if my friends are doing well is connected; but I refused to let my longing go to waste. What was it trying to tell me? This after all, isn't the first time I have longed for my friends.

In this case, these two friends - unconnected with each - had come to me in their time of confusion. They were at a loss about their life and they have tried some pretty rough routes. They were successful in some ways but yet they felt really lost.

I have known them both for years. We were not food or drink buddies and did not have any regular hang out time. One of them lives overseas. I'm probably not the first person they turned to; but along the way, my face and name came to them. As I thought about it, I wondered if they reached out to me perhaps because I was a pastor (even though a young one then).

The memory of their visits returned to me vividly one day. Then years ago I had prayed and left it in God's hands. Today though it seems the Spirit has more to say. As I put myself in their shoes, I realised how sorely disappointed they might have been - because - I could not enter their pain and so failed to offer any real hope. I can see their body language, the many pauses and moments of silence, and yes, the way they left.

Even as I reflected, I feel aware of my emotional state at that time: I was mired in my own struggle and it loomed so large, it was always casting this shadow over me that the Light was not shining freely around. It's hard to see clearly when it's dark and dreary.

As a result, my heart and mind was not engaging the way my friends needed me to.


This morning, this verse came from 1 Peter 1 came to me:

"...prepare your minds for action.."

 "put your mind in gear.."

Interesting that engaging and activating our thoughts is so critical.

Peter is talking about our new future in Christ, building up to His return. The allurements of self and society are many; being faithful and fruitful in our lives requires us putting all our horsepower behind it.

At risk of sounding harsh, sloth is a huge problem for many of us. Otherwise, we are busy over the wrong priorities, such as serving up our opinions on a myriad of things on social media.


What should we apply our minds to?
What should we take time to think about?

2 things:

what is diluting or threatening my identity as God's child

how in my circumstances do I live the new God-given life in Christ.

The answers to these two essential Qs will help move us towards a way of living --
- where we know what matters and what doesn't
- where we realised how immeasurably valued we are that God would send Jesus to die for us
- where what we do now will usher in a whole new existence some day

Back to my friends. I re-imagined the scene. What if we took time to think about how each other is doing, really doing, the world will know a whole new level of peace.

If we dare risk asking the Q: what are you really saying?
If we listen to the heart behind the words.

Instead we live with a lot of assumptions. We assume the family is okay. We assume the church is alright since things are humming along. In some instances, we even pretend; because we have a hunch that things are not fine but we don't feel the energy or motivation to find out the truth.

But imagine if we did.

What will happen if we took some time at the end of each day to reflect on the interactions we had. Perhaps there is someone we need to go back and check on, someone to pray for, some issue to think about. Perhaps we find it's a whole new area we may need to do some research and asking around...Perhaps we will hear fears and anxieties; but we may well hear brilliance, off-beat ideas and passion. Or we may hear pain and frustration, lostness...

...and if we have been preparing our minds, that is to say we have given thought to some of these things in the light of what God has revealed... the Spirit would draw out from the reservoir of our 'homework' and we would have hope to offer.

I cannot roll back the clock. I still hope to locate my friends and apologise for failing them. It is a huge comfort that I can turn to prayer.

You may think I am beating myself up. But this reflection leading to repentance for my self-centredness and my callous attitude towards other's pain is going to save my life and someone else's one day.

I am being saved from a false sense of myself. I see how far I am still from Christ's likeness. This does not make me 'work harder' but turn to God to find security and steadfastness. God is the one who gives the growth and matures us. Our own ideas of growth and transformation are often mixed in with the self's need for attention. No, only God's agenda is pure and true.

I trust that as He does, I will feel and fare differently in the coming days when others turn to me with their need.

* kaya - an Asian bread spread made of eggs, pandan and coconut. yummy! ref: Critical and Explanatory Commentary by Robert Jamieson, A. R. Fausset and David Brown and published in 1871.

Why think so much? Because it shapes you up.

Why ask so many questions?
What's the use of thinking so much?

Rodin's Thinking Man

Not everyone loves mental calisthenics. Most of us are happy to be done with school. Mental (metal as in the music is the same for me) anguish where we feel lost and cannot quite figure out an answer is tormenting. Philosophical questions of 'why', 'what', 'therefore' is daunting for most of us.

So we should avoid it. Don't worry, be happy. What's done is done. No point crying over spilled milk. 

I disagree.

Firstly, we all worry as surely as we all want to be endlessly happy. (and if we were, would we still be happy?) Worry seems to come with the territory. Worry happens because we want certain outcomes but we cannot ensure it occurs. We worry if the boss will like the presentation. We worry if eating that weird piece of meat coz all our friends were digging in would make us sick. We worry if we can retire. We worry about the kids (big worry today!). We worry about sagging skin, thinning air, thickening waistlines and blocked arteries.

Someone wisely said, "worrying is like a rocking chair, it keeps you moving, but gets you nowhere!".

So between our tendency to worry and the pointlessness of it - is the necessary work of reflecting on what it is we are worrying about and how much worry-power we want to give it. A little sitting in the rocking chair can be quite useful to help us figure out what is important to us and whether we are being sensible about what we are doing about it.

I worry quite often over my children; but I pause to talk to my worries and find out what they mean. Maybe my expectations are way off the chart. Maybe I am expecting too much of myself. Maybe I slipped and should be doing something.

What's done is done -- unless it can be undone. 

There is an old idea called Restitution. This is where we set right what we did wrong. I fear we have forgotten those days. It appears we are in such a haste that people move on and carry much baggage of unresolved conflicts within their bosoms often.

Angry eyes
Sad faces
Sudden explosive outbursts
Panic attacks
Fatigue
Depression

are the outcomes of accumulated soul barang-barang*. Disappointment with self and others, being unfairly treated, being put down, feeling neglected; suffering from another's anger, very high expectations; failures and setbacks -- all of these are wounds that need time to heal.

Each wound is unique and require some special care and the appropriate salve.... often involving crying over spilled milk.

The milk mattered! It costs. So it's totally okay to cry for a bit.

Through those teary eyes, consider why this mattered so much, why it hurts they way it does.

Our gains may be useful indicators of our life's potential.
Our pains are no less useful. In fact, they may tell us more.

Humans are pack creatures in a way, so we all go after the same rewards very often. But our pains tend to be unique to each of us. Why does someone hurt over an insensitive remark while another find it fairly easy to shrug off (assuming this person is not pretending}. Why does the death of a loved on impact one family member differently from another? Why does a change in plan upset one much more than another?

Our pains are wonderful indicators for who we are, what we cherish, and what we find security in.

So think much - about what brings your pleasure. Also think much about what brings you pain. This thinking and processing will yield much fruit including:

1. you are able to empathize better with others and speak wisdom they may need

2. you are shielded from the deception of the enemy who loves to disguise as an angel of light (the easy way out, the get-over-with-this). 

A solution at hand is not the same as a resolution that leads to peace and a deeper, richer life.

"leave your simple ways and you will live, walk in the way of understanding" ~ Proverbs 9v6

*Singapore slang for stuff