you are the best parents for your child(ren): raising children to contribute

Do you feel like you need a break? Do you ever wonder if your children are wishing (or they may have told you) that they want a break?

Is breathlessness, sleeplessness, even a sense of pointlessness pervading our souls?

The last post on Beating Competition brought in this story from reader Kenneth:

"I grew up in a loving and close-knit family, with parents who cared deeply about my well-being and my future. I have two sisters, one a year younger than me, and another fourteen years younger. Growing up, I was always in competition with the first sister. My parents spurred us on by pitting us against each other in our grades, and it also didn't help that my sister was taller than me all the way until Junior College! 

Not only was I competing with my sister, I was competing with many of my classmates in school. Parents would share their children's test scores with one another, keeping track of everyone's performance. It stressed me out immensely, but in the end I achieved the consistent good results that my parents hoped for. So did my sister, who consistently did better than me each year! For me at least, it was almost entirely because of the competitive environment and the tireless pushing from my parents that I achieved the academic success of my youth. 

Fast forward many years - I was awarded an overseas scholarship and studied at a good university in the States. But after completing my bond of seven and a half years in a stable corporate environment, I resigned - with great relief...."

relief   rɪˈliːf/

1.  noun. a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress.

We need relief when we feel held, strained, pressed: I am guessing that's too many of us. 


And relief comes when we dare to see it. Kenneth did.

This young man blessedly met, loved and married a beautiful lady and shares ~

"...the moment we got married, we realized the utter pointlessness of living a life in constant competition with man. Experiencing love convinced us that life was too precious to be spent chasing something that seemed to have little purpose beyond being a means to satisfy the dream of eventual happiness, something that we could already enjoy in our love for each other. And as we grew in our understanding of God's love for us, it made us even more bewildered about our previous desires to become richer, smarter, or better looking than the people around us.

So we have both left our "promising" careers behind, satisfied that we no longer have any desire for what they promised."

Thanks to Scotsman Adam Smith (died 1790), our economies are built on the basic premise that everything proceeds and is governed by self-interest and competition; that is, we act for our own gains and we improve what we do because we don't want to lose the ability to work/sell/buy...it is the survival of the fittest in economic terms - except - by now, we must come to realise that while he isn't totally wrong; competition favours those with resources to begin with.

One of Singapore's core values is meritocracy; and many of us are children of this wonderful value that has allowed us to become socially and economically mobile. But as a nation, we realise too that we no longer begin at the same starting line these days. While disparity and inequality has always existed, the gap is so large these days, it's as if we hark back to feudal days of dismal poverty versus extreme displays of wealth.

We were watching TV the other night and CNA ran two adverts back to back: India's Stolen Generation showed a young lady speaking of rape, images of children being herded while an activist declares that child disappearances are a daily occurrence. Immediately after that came an advertisement about a travel show, the hosts hamming it up and plying the good life. I muttered to my mighty teen, "this doesn't feel right", and she replied, "this is the world what".

As it had been a particularly hot day, we turned on the aircon - aware that we are living under the shadow of looming global crises that can no longer be sorted with simple measures.

Findings from other fields also highlight to us how interconnected and interdependent we really are. Certainly, instability that arises from disenchantment, anger, and a sense of futility upsets everyone - and is a key cause for religious radicalization.

When we scratch the surface, it's easy to see that our current systems predicates upon selfishness and greed -- and look where that has led us.

So perhaps it is time for a new paradigm; and it may not need to come from a thinker. It can come from us - who raise and shape the coming generations.


Let's hear the rest of Kenneth's story:

"I decided to join my wife in our small pottery business*, with a total family income of less than half my original individual salary. We have spend the past year creating works of ceramic art that are, although lacking in technical mastery, reflective of our new journey of faith and joy. As we share this journey with our pottery workshop participants, our lives present an alternative for their consideration. The local ceramics market is very small... but we plan our work to avoid  competition with fellow artists; instead seeing them as collaborators in the push for a more vibrant local art culture. We continue to study under Mr Lim Kim Hui, one of the established local potters in Singapore, because we admire his love for the art form and his willingness to share his vast experience with his students.

I'm only 34, and with only 8 years of working experience mainly in a competitive corporate environment ....  But what I know is that all the years of being a successful student and professional has never once delivered on its promise of happiness. But every ceramic vessel I have made; every moment I spend helping our workshop participants make theirs; every time I see the smile on my wife's face, gives me the kind of joy that no amount of academic, financial or material achievement can give."

 But it isn't easy, at all.

Just take the matter of household chores. I am guessing your kids are not jumping at the chance to do them, much notice things that need a little tidying, neatening, care....and take the initiative to do them?

Recently, I am troubled afresh that my children's lives revolve around themselves; specifically since school is so demanding. I have met so many parents who serve their children: chauffeuring, cooking, planning, studying alongside... the mantra is"the poor kids are so stressed already, they can't do anything else". This leads them to a lifestyle that basically revolves around them surviving a system and finding relief through entertainment and vacation.

It's all good if their hardwork pays off. But not all enjoy academic success. And do we really want our children's lives to be all about study (and resting from it)? Many of them find it rather pointless too!

I remember being told when I was young that doing well in school would bring us a better future. I wanted that better future. My parents were struggling to make ends meet. The entire family shared one wardrobe. Everything was scarce. A better future with more food, clothes, and options was good and needful. But today, what do our children aspire towards? Parents tell me they are raising children who want to become Youtube sensations!


I don't think we want our children to inherit a world marked by more strife.

Rather, we want them to learn to contribute, to collaborate, to problem-solve, to make a difference by using their gifts and pursuing their interests. We want them to be mission-al, not adrift. We want them to have hope, not feel and learn helplessness. We want them to study and shape the systems of society not extract what they can and leave others lagging behind. We want them to have friends, know laughter, and manage losses with an upbeat spirit.


We know it's a bitter life when we compete. So why foist it upon our children? And how will it turn around in the end? Will we be bitten by a system that indoctrinates us that each man must be for himself?

The ramifications go way beyond career choice - and - the decisions about the future are always made today.

2 boys find a way to rescue pup

Share your ideas:

How can we help our children not to fear the future, to be future-ready?

What changes must we make to help our children live with a more outward orientation, to see themselves as contributors and not mere consumers?

And, 3 anchors to hold us steady 

So much thanks & shout out to Kenneth & Huiwen {what a beautiful couple right?} 

must check out their amazing pottery here -} Asobi

You are the best parents: Helping our children beat the competition {i mean the 'competition'}!

So in school they talk to our kids about work, jobs, the future.

My mighty teen as with most teens waffle every other month about what she wishes to do. Some days she's totally unsure of her own abilities and interests even. But the other day we had a conversation that surprised me. She talked about how the economy is changing and how there will be so much competition.

Knowing this isn't something we talk about, not in this way at home anyway, I knew she had been subject to some serious talking-to in school. She likes being a nice person and I could tell this notion sat uncomfortably with her.

In fact, it sits uncomfortably with me too!

Did God create a world of scant resources where we must fight, outwit, outstrip, even kill in order to live and thrive? This is not the narrative I read in the Book. Our economic model based on limited resources and unlimited wants may well be faulty. We all laugh at the basic premise of Economics: humans are rational; for clearly it's not so straightforward.

But not being fully rational isn't a bad thing. Idealism, altruism, selflessness all trump rationality (sorry for the unfortunate connection to the US elections; a clear case of irrationality of the bad kind by the way).


What do Airbnb, Uber, Queri and many ideas that are springing up to challenge the traditional economy have in common? Collaboration, sharing, and the maximizing of existing resources - why leave a home empty, a car unused, your well-worked out answers laying about when it can meet another's need, and in the process earn you a buck or more?

Of course, everyone joins the latest bandwagon because it's novel, exciting and promising. But I would like to believe that many are genuinely interested to share, to collaborate, and to better steward our resources. I would like to believe that we are maturing to grapple with the reality that the earth's resources are being plundered and our current economic model isn't sustainable; so we have to rethink our positions: perhaps like the child who realises that he actually has more varied toys to play with, and gain some friends along the way; when he shares his toys.

Of course, sharing both generates and depends on trust and goodwill. It also depends on appreciation. The more we appreciate what others are sharing and express our appreciation, the more we will cultivate the possibility of a new way of life.  But trust, goodwill and appreciation can be the true scarce commodity. So it isn't for everyone, sadly.


Speaking of appreciation, today I expressed appreciation to a school principal, a teacher, a businessman and a doctor. Each of them found it hard to respond to the appreciation. Even a simple "thank you" wasn't readily forthcoming. Perhaps it just doesn't happen enough. We expect people to do their job (they are paid for it after all) and that's that.

So the road to new ways of living that may help us as a civilization isn't going to be an easy one. The old message of competition is too hardwired into our consciousness; and is a lived reality for many who have been dislodged by it and suffer daily with indignity, abuse, neglect, and inadequacy.


The old economy's mantra is one of competition. When we look at others as competitors we must beat them; and it works against the grain of trust, vulnerability and community.

cool right? at the mighty teen's school

Singapore is known to be kiasu and kiasi (the double whammy of fearing to lose out and to die) and our national narrative is evolutionary theory's heartbeat: survival of the fittest. There is certainly plenty of evidence to bear out the theory of survival in kingdom anmialia, I do think that homo sapiens have far more within us.

So this is what I told my teen.

"Why don't you think in terms of the contribution you would like to make? What difference would you like to see in others' lives, and in our society or world? What abilities do you now have and what else do you need?"

I happen to have a younger child who loves to win. Competition would be second nature to him. But I can easily see how that slides into an unhealthy view of others. I read somewhere that we should teach our child to compete against themselves. This means that winning is overcoming their personal odds and mastering themselves. I love this approach far better.

What do you think will happen if parent our children differently then? To compete against their own selves; to collaborate with others, and to live their lives as a contribution.


related posts:
3 anchors for our children's future
future ready?

scripture references:

Ecclesiastes 4v4 "I have seen that every labour and every skill which is done is the result of rivalry between a man and his neighbour. This too is vanity and striving after wind."

Ecclesiastes 5v18: "Here is what I have seen to be good and fitting: to eat, to drink and enjoy oneself in all one's labor in which he toils under the sun during the few years of his life which God has given him; for this is his reward."

You are the best parents for your child(ren): how to bless your children

Mom bless
Pop bless
We bless you!

Every parent wants to bless their child(ren). But sometimes it can be hard.

It can be hard when you find your resources limited, you simply cannot afford what is touted as 'advanced, best, enlightened'.

It can be hard when they irk us with their demands, expectations, and what feels to us like pathetic levels of endurance and patience - these softies raised on a diet of fast, quick, and easy.

It can be hard if our picture of blessing is a plump and statuesque pronouncement that their future is secure because we have an estate or because, like those grand biblical figures, we call upon the Almighty and our word is good as gold.

It sure can be hard. It's hard to bless our children when we wonder if we are blessed.

To bless is a soul exchange. It is to impart and leave something that will live on. It is an extension of one's substance, a sharing of one's joys, an offering of one's life; so that another will thrive and exceed us.

What do we have within us and our means that can do that for our children?

1. We bless our children when we live blessed.

Every home is defined ultimately by the choices parents make. If a home is filled with anger, tension, a sense of lack and frustration; it is how the parents have chosen to live. A home that resonates with peace, joy, and abundance begins with parents who know how to find and fill themselves up with the these gifts of life. We cannot give what we don't already own.

2. We bless our children when we build them up.

God has shown me that parents are trailblazers. Each unique life is a fresh trail of possibility and love. Each child God's imprint of hope upon our worn ways and days. Parenting is about finding a whole dimension of yourself as you make sacrifices to help your child find his feet, his shoes, his path in life. I am mot thinking of sitting in hours reading the papers while waiting for your child to emerge from enrichment. I am not sure if that is sacrifice. But all parents have to say 'no' to some things in order to say 'yes' to their children's needs, requests and growth struggles.

It takes homework and housework to feed and fit a child for life. It takes targetted prayer and persistent effort to discover strengths, overcome weaknesses and explore territories.

Do you know what milestone is coming up for your child? What he may find overwhelming, difficult, enjoyable? We cannot anticipate every outcome and should not; but we should track where we are on the trail and find resources to keep going in the right direction.

3. We bless our children when we bless the LORD.

Recently, I have been coming up against a new kind of hard too. The voice that whispers, "You never had all of this. Kids these days are so 'spoilt'. Time to dish out the tough stuff..."

It's hard to be a blessing when you are assailed by doubts; and we all have doubts. After all, the terrain is new. The world is changing ever so fast. We expect too much or too little. We try too hard or not enough....

But precisely so, we need to find anchors and a compass to navigate our way.

Also I notice that this voice always makes me pull back from being trusting, generous and joyful: indicators that I should beware of its source.

The voice of dubious origin (perhaps not so dubious) often has some ground to stand on. In this case, it is true that our children have a lot more provided and going for them. Just consider the wonderful reality that is the air-conditioning. I did not have that. Even without global warming, I remember sweating and soaking through some nights.

Yes it is true that our children seem to have nothing to worry about except their studies (friendships, skin condition, clothes), but the more I recognise how the lack I grew up with impacted me; I am glad they have a secure base with which to venture forth from.

But generations come and go; and life will go on until it is time for The Total Re-haul when Christ comes again. In the meantime, all of our movements and crazy spinning can go off orbit unless we set in our hearts that our lives will bless God and that becomes our true north.

I know as a young person I struggled with what felt like a restrictive notion: living for God. But now, I discover how freeing it is, what focus it gives, and how fruitful life can be when we have a way to gauge the value and quality of our days without being bombarded by the whims of our unsteady hearts and the winds of change around us.

Psalm 100

Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.

Serve the Lord with gladness and delight;
Come before His presence with joyful singing.

3 Know and fully recognize with gratitude that the Lord Himself is God; It is He who has made us, [a]not we ourselves [and we are His]. We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

4 Enter His gates with a song of thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, bless and praise His name.
5 
For the Lord is good;
His mercy and lovingkindness are everlasting,
His faithfulness [endures] to all generations. {Amp version}

Mom bless
Pop bless
We bless you!

Because, God has declared it so.

And o, here is something...especially for fathers !

Bottom lines and the Bible : a leaf from Beauty

We want the bottom line.

I suppose bottom lines give us a sense of control, allowing us to say, "this is what it's about", "enough is enough", "no negotiation here". So often, I hear people asking for the bottom line:

We cannot divorce right?

Surely God loves me right?

How come others are more successful than me?

Whose fault is it?

The straightforward, clear, and predetermined answer that absolves so us from further thought, wrestling, and struggle.

But life bottoms out more than it has bottom lines.

Our bottom line approach can only get us so far. Perhaps this is why the Bible is so laborious: long meandering stories, unpleasant gore and savagery that can be so repulsive to our modern sensibilities, notions rooted in cultures alien to our urban mindsets...not to mention the names we may never know to how pronounce properly! 

How often we wish it would be an easier read, filled with clear injunctions and instructions. The straight and narrow should come with clear signs and guard rails!

I just returned from a trip to China which included a visit to the famous Jiu Zai Gou (九寨沟). It is a nine hour bus ride through mountain passes, dusty quarries, and remote Tibetan villages. Then, after all that wearying travel, you enter a Narnian world of wild and amazing beauty:

On a good number of the walks, the wooden slate walkways had absolutely no guard rails. I was concerned my ten-year old would accidentally slip into one of the icy lakes or rivers. Without the guard rails, the beauty and power of Nature seemed so much closer. There was nothing between us. My breath was swept away by the evocative and mesmerising power of such raw beauty. I felt enveloped by it and drawn to step right into it and be lost in it.

Michael Fryer describes it thus:

"Beauty is not some vague, abstract idea. It's the opposite... when there is a dearth of hope, beauty in all its forms, has the ability to create moments of transcendence."

Viktor Frankl, the Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist who wrote Man's Search for Meaning described the impact of nature on the prisoners:

"As the inner life of the prisoner tended to become more intense, he also experienced the beauty of art and nature as never before. Under their influence he sometimes forgets his own frightful circumstances. If someone had seen our faces on the journey from Aucshwitz to a Bavarian camp as we beheld the mountains of Salzburg with their summits flowing in the sunset, through the little barred windows of the prison carriage, he would never have believed that those faces there the faces of men who had given up all hope of life and liberty...we were carried away by nature's beauty, which we had missed for so long."

What do we do with Beauty's power? 

We try to capture it, interpret it, convey it - with photos, paintings, songs, and stories. [JiuZaiGou was the location for this cinematically breath-taking scene in the film Hero; which I suspect made many regular kungfu fans yawn at the lack of action! You can watch it here later: wow scenery, slow kungfu moves ]

Life according to humans is our technological manipulation of nature for our ends: to enjoy ease, pleasure and productivity. But in truth, nature teaches us what we need to know about life. 

Jiu Zai Gou reminded me of the sheer wonder of life and the God who lay behind its creation. The clear pools created in me such a longing for clarity and made me aware of how murky our lives are. The strange little buds growing out of fallen tree stumps that sit in the water speak to me of the persistence of life despite odds. The beautiful and pristine snow that will always melt when the sun shines on it calls out to me to let go, melt away as it were, because melted snow becomes life-giving water.

This encounter required eighteen hours of rugged journey.

God is actually less elusive and more accessible. But we must still make the journey.

The journey through your own soul's many twists and turns.

The journey through loving, being loved, hurting, being hurt in God's family.

The journey through seasons and stations, starting and stopping.
The journey through losses, gains, suffering and resurrection.

In particular, this morning I thought of a journey so many of us are reluctant to make and pay a high price for: the journey through Holy Writ. We are satisfied to have bits and bytes because the Bible really seems such a thick and difficult book.

I had considered being satisfied with looking at pictures of Jiu Zai Gou from the Net. That would be the bottom line approach perhaps. We had worked right before and after the trip and the thought of the journey felt wearisome enough.  But I also know that I am not likely to pass that way again. 

I am so grateful we went, even if at one point, the tour guide warned us that accidents do occur, prompting me to pray that we would be transported heavenward as a family and not leave anyone behind!

Perhaps the Bible, like nature's wild beauty beckons us to enter in and have transcendent encounters. 

The Bible is not a piece of literature to be mastered. Rather, it is a gift from God to tell us again and again the nature of life and the transcendence therein. 

When I was younger, I loved the hard-hitting words of Paul. They were clear and filled with specific practical instructions. We need those. But as I grow older, I cherish too the many stories, the histories, the word pictures, because as I enter the stories, I find that I am not alone in my cowardice, my fear, my little faith, my dreams, my hopes…

This Holy Week, I re-read once again the closing days of Jesus' life. The younger me would have tired of going over the same ground. I already got the bottom line. But after experiencing that the bottom line is a thin thread, I know I need something far better: a large safety net. As I read and enter into the details of the account, thinking about the facts, wondering about the events, feeling the emotions, sensing the atmosphere… I enter Jesus' story and life even as it enters me. It's as if truth wraps its self around me like a blanket against the biting cold realities of our world, enabling me to keep walking.

Future ready?

I suppose some things will remain.

We certainly hope so: those jobs that carry prestige and bring in the moolah - bankers, doctors, engineers, lawyers, vets... The Professionals.

Some of us grudgingly admit that a 'proper job' is acceptable and can be a source of pride: designers, dancers, singers... The Presentables.

But what if your child and you are clueless about what the trajectory looks like? Is it time to panic?

How do we work out the tension between wanting our kids to have a life (and especially a childhood) and a future that we don't even know about?

We have heard enough about how fast the pace of change is. Later this year, we may have a wristband that can transmit your phone image and you can swipe your arm!

Some of us cheer, some will jeer, others will find it just plain queer that such an 'innovation' is required at all [not to mention the Evangelical obsession with last days and the anti-Christ].


But we are mostly thinking of change in terms of product innovation. There is another change afoot.

This video speaks of change based on current trajectory and it's mighty exciting and scary at once.


Yet if we pay attention to the news; this trajectory may have serious tangents and disruptions-

The economy isn't working well anymore.

There aren't enough real jobs.

 We haven't had any real innovation for a while (though many projects are at the cusp of success if they could have funding - and many for good causes, such as cleaning up the seas).

 There is rising discontent on multiple levels in many societies, poor and affluent.

 A property magnate thinks he can be the American president.

 There are alternative models of business and financing via the Internet that parallels or may overtake traditional markets.

There is cause for much worry - if - we sit around and expect things to be fixed for us.


How shall we raise our children to be future ready?


You remember how at some point, you asked, "what is the point of studying this?".
It's a question prompted by sloth and some real inquiry. We used to moan a little then get on with it.
Today, when kids ask the question, it's kinda like us; but they are onto more. They already live in a different world than us. We inhabit the same spaces but do not see and interpret them the same way.

Perhaps then, what we need is to stop imagining a future we cannot quite see; but get into heads and hearts more to see the future the way they are envisaging it. More than once my mighty teen has said, "Mom, it won't be like that". It gave me pause. 

We should bring the great unknown into out discussion, and then, read the amazing legacies of exploration.

scaling everest
braving the antartic
crossing the seas
plumbing the depths

read about these -

scientists
adventurers
biologists
trekkers
missionaries

If it's going to be new territory, perhaps the best way to be future ready is to be inspired to see the future as a space to be explored and conquered. It is best to prepare to develop grit, compassion, and collaboration. It is necessary to have basic survival skills honed: reading, problem-solving, relatonal intelligence, self-care. It is time to face the fears and demons. It is time to find a reason for living.

And I have found that I need to keep seeking my own reason for living in order to believe in life, in my place here, and not be overwhelmed. I guess I am modeling for my children how to face the future.


I'm thinking this is how best to be future ready. What about you?

How sorry is sorry enough....and why it matters.

How sorry is sorry enough?

In our world of feel-good, no one wants to be, feel, or say sorry these days. I mean, when was the last time you apologized to someone; or had someone apologized to you?

There is even a need for a book like this:

We are awkward, clumsy, unsure and unwilling about it.
Parents, especially moms are probably luckiest when our kids, very little, are fairly quick to say sorry.

But they outgrow it!

What does 'sorry' mean?

There are two things to be sorry about when something goes wrong. We are sorry for our actions. We are sorry for the effects of our actions; how it has impacted others.

Whilst the children were still little, I learnt from watching other parents to teach them to say, 

I am sorry I disobeyed and didn't pack my toys.

I am sorry I threw the toy on the floor. 

-- an apology that includes how they feel and what they did wrong. 

The thing is, well into adulthood, we continue to have our toys and tantrums. But we may well have learnt the fine skill of justifying and rationalizing it all. We would also have learnt the art of self-defense where our motives and actions are always somewhat right so there's nothing to really apologize for.

Deeper into the territory, we may decide that it is pointless to apologize or feel sorry since nothing really changes; we are just different and should go our separate ways.

This explains why with all our education and the best of spiritual persuasion, the world is full of pride and prejudice, selfishness and sin: we learn to be comfortable with it all; it's the way things are and we can’t really change it.

Some of us even parent our children into this reality -

You mustn't trust anybody so easily
If you don't fight for it, someone else will get it
Take care of yourself, no one is going to take care of you

Any wonder if our homes and churches and communities ricochet with hurt, accusation and apathy?

I wonder about this. No one ever taught me to say sorry. I was totally bad at it. There were very few instances I felt a need to express it, and when I did, it rarely found it way through my teeth. Feeling remorseful and wrestling with regret is more virgin territory to me than uttering the word 'sorry'.

What I saw growing up was folks making amends and coping: the uneasy, awkward silence, the clumsy attempts to patch up with deeds of kindness, staying away to avoid further trouble, or just being silent and hoping it will all be forgotten in time. I could never be sure where the relationships stood. They were not classroom lessons; but lessons nonetheless - more is caught than taught after all.

But these approaches didn't cut it. Not as a spouse, a parent or a leader.

My spouse is the expert 'apologiser'. I tease him (and believe) that his apologies have many times saved our marriage. Sometimes I look at him and wonder what on earth he is even apologising for! We are both sensitive souls; but perhaps sensitised to slightly different stimuli.

My children of course were not going to be able to learn well if they don't have a humble posture in life. To help them learn the needful art of restoring relationships, I needed to model apology for them; and there were plenty of opportunities for sure:

Mom is so sorry I raised my voice just now
I am so sorry you feel this way...
Sniff, I am sorry, please let's forgive each other and hug up...
Sorry I had to turn the TV off because…
Mom is crying because I am sorry I disobeyed God…

Life is about growing in Grace and Truth - the twin pillars of living for what's right, and in a way that is bold and enriches others - and being sorry is inevitable. The energy for sorrow and making amends propels us towards growth. We learn from our failures and persevere in our convictions. We hack away the tendrils of complacency and compromise to be able to stand tall and strong. We fight our self-preservation tendencies and pride to hunker down and do the work necessary to keep the ship afloat and sailing.

The power of being sorry, rightly.

Like all powers, it begins early and has to be trained and harnessed. It is not a true power when a child says sorry when told to. It is not a true power when an adult says sorry because he's backed against a wall. It has to happen from the inside out. 

So how sorry is enough?

It's easy to tell a child to 'say sorry'. But we must do more.

We must then progress to help them see the values behind it and nurture their hearts to embrace those values:

relationships matter,
truth matters,
your motives and methods matter.

Above all, when we are proud and loveless, when we choose the easy way out and lie or cheat, when we pretend and hide behind a veneer of respectability and good behaviour, we are doing self-harm and dis- honouring God.

Saying sorry needs to be taken to the highest court.

 I have found that no real change happens until this occurs. When we are willing to stand before God and admit our sin, when we can turn to another and admit the pain we caused them…..when we are truly sorry, we change. Short of that, we easily return our old ways and fall into familiar ruts again and again. This is how we get jaded and numbed and cynical of real change and Kingdom glory.

In fact, many traditions and cultures create a way for apology and renewal of trust; often at cusp of a new year.

The Muslims seek the forgiveness of their elders at the start of Adil Fitri.
The Hindus are stern about familial order - if you touched an older person rudely, an immediate apology is required.
The Chinese will organise a meal where the aggrieved party is served tea by the contrite offender.

For the Christian?

There is confession before God that can happen anytime - what freedom!

"if we confess our sins, he is just faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." ~ 1 John 1v9

And then there are Seasons for deeper reflections leading to root origins of some of our most pernicious and duplicitous behaviour. We are in such a season right now: Lent. It began with Ash Wednesday when we remember our mortality and our sinful bent and mark it with ash on our foreheads (not all Churches do so these days).

Christians who have known mercy and live upon Grace, and know how to say sorry will be peace-makers, and O how our world needs that!


And here is a portion of the wonderful movie Inside Out that can be a great tutorial. Sorry is a hard territory and can be a long way - through the places of pride and fear of being rejected or ridiculed. But Short cuts may not cut it... a clip from Inside Out... and this is what it's like - just a series of events...when we don't ever process all our jumbled emotions...

and if you want a proper study about it: when a Japanese apologises and when an American does.

Those Teen Years: blessing or what!?!

I know this is how we feel: 'children are a blessing'..... but teens -- are something else!

There is a saying from Mark Twain that typifies the attitude many adults have toward teenagers: 

“When a child turns twelve you should put him in a barrel, nail the lid down and feed him through a knothole. When he turns sixteen, plug the hole!”

Today, it's more like when they turn 10!

Here is much wisdom from a man who lives deeply, resisting the world's mould and seeking the Kingdom. I highlights bits for us:

When we are out of sympathy with the young, then I think our work in this world is over. 

–George MacDonald

The teen years are often the most difficult in a person’s life. They involve intense struggles, feelings, and changes, many of which teenagers have a hard time verbalizing. Yet I believe that despite the turbulence of adolescence, these years can be a truly wonderful time. It may be a difficult period of life, but why should it be an especially negative one? I wonder if psychologists, sociologists, and the media have so overemphasized the downside of adolescence that today’s youth cannot help living out the stereotypes put on them?

Teen years are an age of opportunity instead of a test of parental endurance. Besides, there is something about youth that we adults need to learn from. It is often young people who push for real changes.

We have seen this time and again all over the world: the White Rose movement in Hitler Germany, for example, or the young people who demonstrated in Tiananmen Square in China, or the growing movement of activism against war, racism, and environmental exploitation here in the United States. Actually, the youth of our nation are not being given enough credit for the many positive things they have done and are doing, especially in light of all the outside pressures they have to deal with.

But all teenagers also struggle with certain emotional, physical, intellectual, and social challenges. Their internal worlds consist of a jumble of tensions: emotional highs and lows, a desire to be left alone and to be included, a need for freedom and a longing for greater responsibility, a feeling of invincibility and a fear of failure, questioning authority and the need to fit in, submitting to peer pressure on the one hand and adult authority on the other.

For this reason parents and teachers need to have extra-big hearts for young people. The battle around them, as well as in them, rages in full force. Very few teenagers pass through these years without at least a few bumps and bruises. Many are wounded for life. But this is all the more reason to see it as a privilege to be with youth: to work with them, to share their joys and struggles, to be a friend to them, and to guide them to what they are meant to become.

Teens share most easily with adults who have an understanding and acceptance of themselves. By revealing who you are, by sharing about the struggles you have had, and by reflecting on your own life experiences, you are inviting the young person under your care to do the same. Teenagers appreciate it when an adult is candid and up-front with them. For a teen, honest sharing means “I trust you enough to tell you the whole story.”

This doesn’t mean they will automatically share what they are thinking and feeling. Teenagers in general resent having to communicate on demand. It is rarely helpful to say: “Why don’t you ever share with us? Why won’t you say something?” This only makes teens clamp up even more. Our role is to express care and interest in their lives, and to do so through deeds, not by peppering them with questions.

Also, a good dose of humility can go a long way to reaching a teenager’s heart. Teens need parents and adults who will admit their own limitations and say they are sorry. Teens need to see that adults are human. One young woman wrote to me:

Most kids growing up naturally think that their parents are “the best.” At least this is how it was for me. They knew best and that’s why they had the final say. But when I got into my teen years, wow, everything turned upside down. I became very rebellious and was determined to fight my parents tooth and nail. The day came, however, when I realized that my parents were not perfect people. When I realized that my parents were just like me, that they had their own problems to deal with, that they made mistakes and wrong decisions and would also say they were sorry, my relationship with them began to relax. I could start to open up. It wasn’t just them against me.

I am glad young people question things. And they tend to question everything – especially if it’s something Mom and Dad hold to. They often think they know it all, and thus it is tempting to try and put them in their place. Granted, it is not always easy to determine if a child’s rebellion is serving the cause of good or of evil (hence prayer is such a powerful refuge and resource!), and teenagers still have a lot to learn. But we can kill our relationship with a teenage son or daughter – and teachers can erect instant walls between themselves and their students – if we fail to really listen to them. We should never talk at young people, but with them.

There is nothing worse for a young person than to be treated like a kid. When we treat a young person like an intelligent, thoughtful human being, that teen will eventually respond and most likely start acting like one!

 

Out of love for young people, we need to do everything we can to help them formulate their thinking and express their ideas.

As teens open up, it’s important to listen non-judgmentally. This doesn’t mean expressing agreement. It only means that you are eager to know what they are thinking and feeling and that you don’t get all worked up in response to some outlandish or contradictory remark. (they are dramatic; listen beyond the words and tone).

Adolescents are thinking about life, questioning and processing the values that have been instilled in them. They often try on different ideas (so don't panic and jump to conclusions too soon), much like the different clothes they wear. The feeling that “now I am an adult and I can do it better than you” plays a bigger role than we realize. They are in the process of formulating their own opinions and ideas.

They want to become their own persons and for this reason will often gravitate towards viewpoints that differ from their parents and the adults around them. In fact, they often would rather have their own opinion than be right. This should not be read as a sign of rejection. (ouch, but give them a chance to explore: like maybe visit other churches, try out clothes [you can maintain how much cloth there should be] & music [you can appeal to volume for peace at home]...

The main thing is to keep an open relationship with our teens. If they feel understood, valued, supported, and trusted, they will respond – even if begrudgingly at times – to our guidance. To nurture a relationship doesn’t mean we forgo speaking a straight word when it is needed or hesitate to set clear boundaries where necessary. In fact, despite complaints to the contrary, teenagers need and want limits. The issue is how best to set and enforce them. Teens, of course, will naturally push the limits. But clear boundaries communicate care and concern. Without rules and structure teenagers get the message that we adults do not love them or care about their well-being.

Again and again we need to find ways to let our teenagers know that we are there for them. We need to keep encouraging them. The word “encourage” comes from the French and literally means to give someone heart. Teenagers, like all people, need ten times more positive, supportive feedback than negative. Concentrate on their accomplishments, not on their failures.

  

Harold Loukes, the Quaker educator, writes: “The young do not need to be preached at; they need to be given a task.” We need to entrust young people with meaningful responsibilities. They need to feel needed. Teenagers do better, and are happier, when they have useful and necessary tasks that demand something from them. They want to be counted on.

I will always be grateful for how my father kept pointing me to use every day to serve others; that my happiness depended not on what I could get out of life for myself but in considering others. Young people need to know that every seemingly tiny deed of love can have a tremendous ripple effect. An act of kindness, or standing up for one’s convictions, adds goodness, instead of pain, to our world.

In my experience, young people will take up this challenge. It’s not a matter of pressuring them to follow our path or of making choices for them so they will do “the right thing.” It’s about helping them to see that only by turning to God and looking beyond themselves will their lives obtain true dignity and fulfillment.

gratefully from: Johann Christoph Arnold  {The Plough}

What God teaches us about Discipline so we can get it!

D-I-S-C-I-P-L-I-N-E.

If we won't discipline our thoughts, feelings, bodies, motivations and energies; they will overrun their banks. 

They will get unruly. They will fake a sense of freedom. They will lap you up and drown you under. 

I think that may be what happened way back in the Garden.

Before Eve reached out to accept the fruit and bite into it, she failed to rein in her imagination to the boundaries of obedience. Before Adam acquiesced and partook of it, he failed to retrieve the file called 'God has said' and let something else take over.

This is a mighty lesson for all our souls, and especially for us parents, teachers, leaders of all stripes.

If you are going to build your life, any life; then the big D word must feature prominently.

How is the million-dollar Q isn't it? Like this famous? The famous marshmallow test {if you have 4 minutes}

Which also means that the D word  connects Obedience, Free Will, Relational Trust and Rewards.


As a parent, coach, leader, I grapple with this for myself and others. And then eureka! Perhaps I can
take a leaf from the All-Wise!

Here's how God does it for his children; and we can imperfectly follow in it:

1. He accept us 

Before we could do a thing or feel even an itty-bit 'godly'; He sent his Son to die for us. It's a decision God made without reference to our condition or response.

I'm not the most diligent person ever; but God's acceptance stirs up a desire in me to be my best.

2. He gives us a vision

So much of what God says about his children don't make sense logically. While the children of Israel, yes, that bunch of wandering Arameans were stuck in the mire of their sins, God sends prophets who often painted pictures of incredulous future outcomes: rivers in the desert, peace, light to nations. If ever we whimper, God whispers, "You ain't see nothing yet".

when western Sahara meets the Atlantic..and how the waters shape it

3. He tells us there is a reward

God always leads by promises. Promised Land, Heavenly City. He invites, He draws, He woos. We continually confuse him with some other deity conjured by our guilt and fear; who scolds, pounces and withholds. 'No good thing will He withhold from those whose walk is upright' the Psalmist says. 'There is a crown of life' waiting. He even weaves rewards into the journey like celebrations of milestones. Maybe a rainbow, a surprise visit by a friend, a timely prayer, a kind helping hand, a new friendship.

4. He journeys with us

Isn't this our favourite part? The Immanuel bit. But before we get all chummy about it; let's remember God is not a tag-along. I have found so much relief and rest for my soul to remember that I am the passenger going for the ride here. Even so, I can particpate in the navigation, respond to the conversation, take in the views and record the sightings. Sometimes, i drift off and snooze even! But it takes discipline to stay on the road and not keep complaining about breaks!

5. He takes us through valleys and allows us to reap what we sow

We need to stop avoiding the tough stuff. They build muscle and stamina. We also need to understand and accept that the law of cause-and-effect is a universal law that the children of God are subject to as well. God is not SOS, heli-rescue, 'break the glass for emergency'. No one ever grows up who is always rescued.

6. He has a customised plan

This takes the cake! No cookie-cutter with the Creator. Run the race 'marked out for you'. We all run a common race; but each of us also has a particular pace, gait and even route (unless you like stepping on toes endlessly). This is so mercifully exciting! 

O look, my favourite! Now to reach for it...

And then, He gives us specifics for the 3 huge areas of our life:

your thoughts: renew them by anchoring back on your purpose

if something doesn't serve you, it's trivial and possibly a distraction. i don't store a lot of information like bargains and celebrities. they don't really impact my life direction or help me stay on course with my purpose to grow into who I am in Christ. instead, i check where my files are thin and weathered about God, my self-awareness, my love for others, my abilities and the needs of the world. I make sure i chuck material in those files regularly.

your feelings: redirect them by practising gratitude and praise

sounds holy-moly but would you rather hang around with a sulker or a smiler? From writing down gratitude on small slips, doing it on big charts, praying it out each night...find a way to remember to be thankful.

your time management: review regularly

slip-sliding is easy. Facebook and computer games can suddenly take up hours. Once every other week, just check in to see if your time reflects your priorities. If God is important, where in your schedule have you set aside them for it? If knowing your children better is important, where in your schedule have you placed that; and is watching TV with them the way to do it?
This is easy to apply to your work and finances. Use the priority principle.

Looks to me like Papa God has given us mighty ideas for parenting, for treating our fragile souls right and for being leaders who raise a missional people.

So, if you are looking to grow. You need the mighty D. There is no other way around it.

Thing is, besides the sloth juice that courses in our vein which makes our reflexes choose the easy way, there is plenty to weaken our resolve and cause our discipline to cave in.

This is why at the end of 2015, I did this Spirit-prompted exercise with the family.

What is one thing in the new year you will -

Start
Stop
Deepen

"... for God is not a god of confusion, but of peace..." ~ 1 Corinthians 14v33

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline" ~ 2 Timothy 1v7