The hermeneutic of suspicion and how to tear it apart

Somewhere, someone, somehow, we learnt not to trust.

We distrust ourselves.
Living Google world, we wonder if we need yet more information in order to make a decision. Knowing how many times we have messed up in the past can cause us to lose confidence in our ability to judge and choose well. This shows up in our lack of confidence to deal with decisions or certain aspects of life.

We distrust each other.
Close friendships can be torn asunder, siblings can quarrel past the parents' demise, couples break up due to infidelity or from disappointments and hurts that feel too deep to heal from.

Distrust is growing and gnawing at us all today. We distrust those who take a different view of things, hold to different values, espouse different ideals.

Distrust is extremely toxic as it presumes that the other is 'guilty' as it were, and lays down an a priori verdict.  This is the air and the hermeneutic today. We pick up the newspapers expecting to find news that we will object to. We engage social media to like/dislike/opine at the most superficial understanding of any situation. We half-listen to one another, more focused on how we will respond so as to trump the conversation.

Our brains that seek consonance conspire in this process with its innate ability towards confirmation bias, and we practise selective listening with finesse.


All of this happening in a time when self-expression and fulfillment are the gods of the day, which means that our referent point is The Self, a pretty small space to begin with.

Where lies the hope that we can communicate with more calm?

How can we reach out to those who began at a totally opposing end of the spectrum?

What is the way forward for marriages, families, and ecosystems within society, including political structures?

Recently, a young adult tried to educate me about SRS (sex reassignment surgery), and she began by saying that I must see it as a sin. I have never interacted with her prior to this, and she was writing an email to me about a subject that is both sensitive and painful. I was surprised that she had presumed (probably because I am a pastor) that my first frame of reference is about the sinfulness of it. In reality, what bothered me was the very real pain, loss and grief of the psychiatric condition dysphoria. To feel a disconnect with one's self, to experience rejection, and to search for a way out - all of it is deep pain. I agonised for the person and her family. I also agonised over how the church can communicate truth in such circumstances.

So how we can trust each other better?
How can we regain trust when we have lost it?
How do we prevent what precious little trust we have from going to rot?

Nothing is resolved where there is no genuine heart interest to do so.

Why bother to risk it and get hurt or disappointed - we hear it all the time.

Someone has pulled the wool over our eyes, having us believe that protecting our interests, guarding our borders and entrenching our positions is what grants security. This happens emotionally, psychologically, socially, and even politically. It is all playing out before us these days. From the needless haggling for a petty discount to the couple breaking up the assets, to the culling of human lives through immigration policies, we live by the rule of paucity and mistrust. There isn't enough to go around, and survival goes to the ones who can out-manuvuere others. We build walls all the time. Trump's wall is but a visible expression of an inward reality that already exists.

We need a fresh vision.

We need to believe that trusting is better.


Interestingly, the heart of the Christian's relationship with God is one of trust, expressed as obedience. 

But O, how we struggle to trust God!

With mere logic, it can seem insane to trust an unseen Being. It feels scary to say that an ancient text (collection of texts to be precise) should be infallible and hold authority over our lives - whatever we feel, grapple with, aspire towards.

Trust isn't what we are inclined towards, although we need it and yearn for it.

We want someone we can rely on, count on, come through.

Yet our parents, BFFs and all will have moments when they cannot be all we need them to be.


In the midst of turmoil, the prophet Isaiah inserted this gem in chapter 26. Here it is, in three different English versions:

“The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in You. [NASB]

You will keep in perfect peace
    those whose minds are steadfast,
    because they trust in you. [NIV]

You, Lord, give true peace.
    You give peace to those who depend on you.
    You give peace to those who trust you. [ICB]

Trust in God yields the fruit of conviction of mind, a steadfastness, and peace.

Conviction of mind is important for us to enter into interactions. It offers us an anchor and a vision for where we want things to go. But it needs the other two, or it can be mere stubborness and even a hurtful bull-dozing.

Steadfastness is needed because mistrust easily creeps back into our psyche. We ask endless 'what ifs'... and back-pedal or stall due to this. Being steadfast allows us to hold on and plod through these moments.

Peace in the Bible is not so much an emotional state, but a relational state. Hence trusting God gives rise to peace as we recognise that God is larger and stronger than our arguments and defenses. We go into dialogue and seek the possibility of understanding, and even communion by holding on to this peace and letting it become the atmosphere for the encounter and interaction.

Recently I read an excerpt from Kay Warren's heart-rending story of how her early years of marriage were a wreck. She had stumbled upon pornography as a young woman and that had filled her with a darkness and a guilt that seeped into her marriage. Pornography is a dehumanising deed, degrading both the those who watch it and those who perform for it. They also got married very young when much of their life values and skills were not matured. Like all couples, Kay and Rick gave each other plenty of ammo to choose a lack of trust.

But they tore asunder the wool being pulled over them. They chose instead to trust God, and from there, to trust each other, again and again.

If there is any relationship as intense and as open to abuse, it is the marriage. Two lives, two hearts, two totality, coming together like rivulets crashing together into a turbulent stream.... a powerful force that can shape what it meanders around.

And perhaps this is why the marriage is a sign of the Kingdom. When two hearts can learn to rest in trust in the Heart of Love, and slowly pick up the skills to speak, listen, and act out of trust in God and each other, that training will overflow into other areas of life. That unity will sustain other lives (children especially) through the inevitable seasons of life. That union will showcase that the genders can co-operate and bring out the best in each other, and not compete as if there is only space for one gender.

If you are not married, there are yet plenty of places to grow to trust.

As we trust God, His trustworthiness folds into our being and we too grow to be able to trust others and ourselves better.

Do you really want to live the way you do? A small shift can be seismic.

Rare is the person who is fully contented, at peace with every tiny bit of life's details, and enjoying every relationship. 

Not rare, impossible.

A life is a very full and complicated thing. On our own, we have to relate to our body, wrestle with our emotions, figure our thoughts and make countless decisions big and small. With others, we have to negotiate relationships, learn protocols and expectations, improve communication, enforce boundaries. Then there is God. That's just huge. While it's certainly true that our relationship with God trumps and shapes all other relationships, we are mired in a compulsive avoidance of God, preferring the safety of religious motions to true encounter.

Now plonk this person in a busy, fast-paced city like Singapore with a spirit of FOMO (fear of missing out), most of us are running on a nervous energy that makes it hard to slow, still and savour.

Just describe to me what your last meal tasted like. It's hard for most of us (unless it was burnt or Michelin-star perhaps). 

I once asked a class of students the colour of the wall right outside their room. They couldn't tell me. It was a startling orange hue of red! 

We see, notice, feel and taste astonishing little with our pace and our lack of inner space.

So my three weeks away in Minnesota gave me a blessed reprieve from busy city-living with all its clamorous noises and demands. {more pictures here: scenes from Minnesota}

When I return, as we all do from some trip, you get those who will say with a wry smile, "welcome back to reality".  I really dislike that phrase because it feels like escapism. A retreat, a vacation or a study break should not be escapism. They are meant to be a break from the routine so that we can come back stronger. To simply long for a different life is escapism. To intentionally shape one's life however, is not.

Yes, life in Minnesota was a sweet, different reality, one that suited me especially as I began my writing project on silence. But my life is here in the city, in Singapore, with a busy schedule, growing children, a marriage that needs patience and work, words that need to be thought and written, dreams that need to be deciphered.

I am deeply grateful for a different reality for three weeks.  But whether Minnesota or Singapore, the place I inhabit is my body and soul. This is why two people can go to a same place and describe their experience of it in vastly different ways. The two will notice, enjoy and find meaning or not, depending on the state of their body and soul, the latter being the more important force.

Minnesota refreshed me deeply because the ease with which I adapted to the long, empty hours, affirmed that my body and soul were not attached to, or addicted to plenty of do-ing, being busy and appearing successful. This adaptability I put down to several reasons. One is the long years of learning to live simply.

Simplicity is a powerful gale force that strips us down to the essentials.

Simplifying makes us answer the deep questions of life:

What do i really need?
Where do I see value?
How much am I willing to pay (in money, time, effort) for this?

In our land of glaring consumerism, and with 24/7 wifi, it is too easy to become distracted and fill up my attention, time and energy with 'one more useful/handy/beautiful thing'. We actually should speak up as citizens that our spaces are overwhelming crowded with shops and pushcarts plying more or less the same wares. It is an assault to our senses and an insult to our sensibilities. We are far more than working machines and insatiable consumers.

It isn't just material things either. We are so fed with perfect images and sound bytes that it is easy to expect our emotions to be positive, push our bodies to be breathtaking and work that bit longer.

If your body is constantly tired and your soul feels breathless, then it is time to make a shift somewhere. It is time to simplify. 

Speaking of simplifying, consider its reverse. The Americans are pretty fanatical about tool-man-ship. They need to have the right tools for every task. Garlic peeler? Four kinds of staplers? Sixty ways for mobility? A different scissor for kitchen, kid, teen and adult (ok I exaggerate perhaps). My sister-in-law, now an American concurs, and so does my American friend I pointed this out to. I love it that in Asia, we have this ingenuity of using a knife to cut, smash, pry, poke, peel. Hey, it works. Simplify.

Let's give ourselves to things that are deeper and more enduring. 

We need more time to care for our bodies in a way that is not fussing over the latest supplement or treatment.

We need more space to care for our soul that is not wondering if we should be running off to another seminar or study.

Jesus: consider the lilies...

the daily squirrel

my spartan office

Simplifying is a small step with seismic effects.

When we can walk slower and notice the environment and really look at faces.
When we can taste our food and marvel at the miracle that is cooking, eating and growing.
When we can take deep breaths and pause at intervals through the day because we are not over-worrying about all the details.
When we can feel good and smile that the blouse has now become like second skin.
When we can experience that we actually finish a conversation {yes, this!}.
When we no longer need to spend so much time cleaning, packing, hunting for items in our bags, cupboards and storerooms.

When you need less, you release more of yourself and your resources.

This means more:

money

attention

energy

possibilities

awareness

There are two sides to this journey to living a different life. As we simplify, we release more resources. We can then use these resources in a different way.

What is something you can do less of or something you can stop needing?

establish a boundary

One of the things I really want for my family is great communication and laughter. This takes time. It also means a certain state of being (which isn't easy with a boy who grumbles about school and a teen who needs a lot of time on her smartphone). 

How do we cough up the time, and set the tone? Clearly, someone has to take point here. In any setting, a leader is required. Leadership after all, is about getting people from Point A to Point B, with them happily moving along as if the ideas was theirs! 

So I lead the way. By simplifying my own life, I free resources to dream and scheme about this aspect of our family life. The most natural spaces and times for great communication and laughter I find are meals and bedtime. I simplify those times by focusing less on the eating and more on the conversations. I don't always get it right (which mom doesn't fuss over getting everyone to eat right?). We don't always succeed. But small bit by small bit, experiences become habits that turn around to shape the sense of meaning and to build memories.

What is something you long for at home? How can simplifying enable you to build towards it?

Please share below in the comments!

Related reads:
Travel notes from a trip to the NZ
Yearning for true home

If you need ideas to keep you on track to simplifying: Becoming Minimalist

The slow cooker approach to life, and why we all need mentors

I have never quite seen it in this light before.

In my mind, I am the one who craves collaboration. I was giving in, trying to negotiate and seeking to submit, as a wife.

But lately I realised that I may have been a tad wrong about myself and too harsh on my spouse.

Since turning fifty, I have developed this inclination to think of my parents who have gone on ahead to Paradise. I also think of my growing years with more distance and objectivity.

As a young adult, there is a certain fierce  protection of who we are becoming and the stories we tell ourselves are all valour and glory.

The time we stood up to the teacher
That moment we got the grade we worked for
The dream job we missed but the other one that worked well enough
All the things we will still do and places we will go!

But now, I am more open to being wrong, even about myself. And this realisation cements for me two values I have held dear and tried to pursue:

1. The critical importance of an honest community/mentor
2. Within the marriage, the critical importance of a growth fertiliser, such as a date night.

As I grew up in a large household with parents who are busy making ends meet and siblings who are all neck-deep in their own growth and struggles, I have developed the habit of thinking things up and making my own way through life.

This self-reliance is great in so many ways. It gave me a sense of confidence and filled my life with possibilities (the range thankfully curtailed by my faith foundations).

Yet, like all youths, I needed guidance and the presence of someone older and kind who would believe in me and allow me once in a while to stand on their shoulders to gaze further into the horizon. That I did not find. My extroversion and leadership capabilities created an impression that I was always okay. In a telling moment, a slightly younger person once came up to me and asked me why I was always so cheery. I knew I wasn’t always cheery. I wrestled with whether I was being hypocritical and was satisfied that I wasn’t. I am basically positive and hopeful in my outlook.

So my need went undetected.

No one saw it. I did not feel it.

Much of my learning and mentoring happened with books. Books are great. They mentor us in the world of truths and ideas. But now I see that they are not adequate. The authors never saw me and certainly will never witness my life to be able to speak specifically into it. That is the work of a personal mentor, or friend who loves your soul and wants the best for you.

This I lacked.

Thankfully in God's Providence, the wisdom of the books shored up my intellect and my soul.

Over the years, my abilities and capacities deepened and enlarged as the opportunities continued to come. I led teams and on the whole did a good job. But one thing about leadership always bothered me: the decision making process. More often than not, opinions are sought and the decision is usually one person's prerogative. The world after all, feeds us a model of leadership that is largely the superhero zeitgeist. I have gone to enough leadership conferences to hear 'the buck stops here' and 'it's lonely at the top' repeated ad nauseam. Well, the whole subject of how decisions are made requires another post, but we get the idea. (In the church, however, we are all living stones God is putting together and we all have the same Holy Spirit within us. So the superhero model (or dream CEO model) is not a good one for us). Very few of us have the privilege of being guided lovingly in our choices and decisions. Yet how our lives turn out, rests upon key decisions we make.

Now if thinking is largely done alone and in one's head and heart, no wonder we find it tricky in marriage for decisions happen all the time over matters small and big.


This is why I puzzle over what other couples speak or write of when they use: “we decided….”.  How did they arrive at their decision? Do they both believe it equally? How long did they pray and was it necessary to study the Scripture too?

Of course, there is no one way, and it is plain naivete to think that a good, godly decision agreed upon will lead to perfect, desired outcomes. Life is just far too complex for that.


But I hear too much frustration and feel it enough myself to know that for most of us, this is an area that needs some rethinking. Like me, perhaps you also have the need to be listened to, to be challenged, to collaborate, and to make decisions well with another soul.

Actually, this takes a slow cooker process of knowing our values and percolating through what consequences we are ready to live with,  and what we believe is the direction God is setting us on. Alas, it is more likely, with city living, that we microwave our thoughts and pan-fry our decisions, only to be left wondering afterwards….


Seven years ago I asked my husband to begin date nights. We took a long time to get around to it. Initially our daily irritations would keep creeping into our times and take all the wind out of our sails. We were bobbing in waters and seemed to be going nowhere fun. It was easy to give up. But we returned to it. We do it more regularly now. Often, we still apply the microwave mode, hoping to have fizz, fun, romance all happen, plus spiritual substance to boot. It’s a good thing we are getting older I guess. We realise that the slow cooker mode works better. So much less stress, just keep the current going and let the things break down themselves and get all gooey and stick together and let all the wonderful nutrients seep into the broth.

There is a serious parallel here with our spiritual life too.

We want a spiritual high.

God wants us to go slow and steady and for the long haul, right into eternity (yes, I know that's not length as such).

Perhaps like me, your strength of being fiercely able and independent can work against what is truly good for you.

A strength needs to be noticed, nurtured and directed to release its true potential.


I advocate that all young people have some form of mentoring.
That community be authentic enough for us to learn to listen to each other.


This will require what we take a slow cooker approach to life a bit more.

Especially with our soul mates.

Folks, we have a desperate need to slow down, cultivate stillness and silence, and learn to listen and communicate.

We need to be slow enough to notice our souls and hear our own needs.

We need to seek out mentors, and risk being told hard stuff we need to hear.

We need to slow down to listen enough so we hear the soul of another, not just the words.

We need to communicate that we care for their needs, even if we may not be able to do anything about it. 

So much is at stake with all our speed.

What is one way you can slow down in the coming month?


images credit: https://www.extremetech.com/extreme/202924-the-25-best-images-from-the-hubble-telescopes-25-years-in-space

One Simple Solution To A Better {whatever} .....

Thank God for light bulbs. I mean the kind that comes on when you are not exactly even directly thinking about something and then -- zap! 

That's what happened last week and I want to share the zap with you. It's so simple, I kinda feel silly I never saw it before. Not only is it simple, it is powerful.

Here it is:

A lot of what we want in terms of our relationships and work and church 

don't happen because 

we hold back. 

That's it.

A huge reason why we hold back is because someone has not met our expectations.

The senior pastor cannot..
My spouse should... but doesn't...
The kids ought to be more...

Think about it for a while.

These disappointments have a way of causing us to hold back. 

We decide not to be party to what's happening in church. We withhold affection and tenderness. We skirt around the generous option so as to 'teach them a lesson'.

In a way this is part of our survival/defence mechanism and there is a place for it. We don't want to become rugs and be taken for granted or for a ride (though, have you been able to really avoid that?). But this same mechanism when it kicks in can hold all the potential and promise in a relationship hostage.

Many gifts are not developed and used.
Many deeper intimacies are not experienced.
Many possibilities may be left unexplored.

Again, I want to say there is a place to have job descritpions and expectations, but when people let us down, we don't have to let the whole thing get even lesser because we let our hearts grow cold, even cynical.

The Math is simple. If someone isn't doing enough, and we pull back, the sum total is less. 

On the other hand, if we separate the need to deal with inadequacies and incompetence with our response and participation, then the scenario becomes more positive.

Find a proper channel and give the feedback.Write an honest appeal.Sit down for a vulnerable chat.

At the same time, don't stop doing the good you can and making the difference you can (the difference you make is actually very significant as it is unique to you).

Unless you hear what you can confidently say is God's word to you to act in a certain way, I think these two verses provide the parentheses for how we should respond:

Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ~ 1 Corinthians 12v15-17

This points out the truth that we make a difference, and it is a unique, needed difference. God has put us together in our marriage, family, churches (even though you made certain choices, but pause and think and you will see Grace stands behind it) for us to be a part of it. We are a part of it and have a part in it.

Again, I have been in that place of complaining and grumbling before and I know it has taken away from the whole. In fact, there is another little verse that should startle us. In Philippians 2v15 it says that if we can act without grumbling and complaining, we shine like stars that contrasts with the way the world operates!


Here is the other side of the parenthesis:

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. ~ Colossians 3v23-24

If we think of the first end of it as Engage. This other end then is about Excellence, not so much in terms of churning out the best piece of work, but in terms of directing the focus and glory of our efforts towards Christ. I have found it really hard to laze and be snarky when I work for Jesus, think about His love for me and the unending supply of Grace that always suffices as long as I stay connected to Him.

These two wonderful promises come to mind:

“I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples." ~ John 15v5-8, The Message Bible

I can do all things in him who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4v13, RSV

 Are you holding back in some way?

Why should our homes and churches and communities be less because we are missing your smile, your abilities, your ideas, and your energy?

Come on, Engage, with Excellence.

This week:
How can you address what's holding you back? 
What is one way you can brave it and give more of yourself away?

Let's see how it goes... and share your experiences back here in the comments please.

Announcing MEWSINGS: Life Lessons from a cat (co-written with my cat)

You read that right.

If you are not quite an animal lover type, please do bear with me.

But here are the indisputable facts: For several weeks, my cat responded to my 'come Chat's, it's time to write your book' by getting off her hindquarters and joining me in my study. I sit at my PC and she sits in my prayer chair.

No kidding. When I stall and start Facebook-ing, I often turn around to see her giving me her classic 'what do you think you are doing' look.

She was listening to my ideas, responding with eye squints, swishes of her tail or even turning her head away.

Alright, she was probably responding to my enthu. But hey, NO TREATS WERE INVOLVED. I resorted not to any form of bribery in the least. Praises, hugs and chin rubs are not bribes. They are communications of affection.

Now that you know the back story, get ready to read/share/love:

Print versions: order by sending an email to me at jhohuan@gmail.com

Introductory offer of S$12/ including postage (Singapore only)

Ebook versions at:

amazon

https://www.amazon.com/Mewsings-Life-Lessons-Jenni-Ho-Huan-ebook/dp/B071HB19G5/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1493797394&sr=8-2&keywords=mewsings

kobo

https://www.kobo.com/sg/en/ebook/mewsings

nook

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/mewsings-jenni-ho-huan/1126293176?ean=9781537897479

ibook

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/mewsings/id1231175051?mt=11&ign-mpt=uo%3D4

Chats has a lovely story and sensible wisdom that young and old can lap up.

Help spread the word!

Thanks,

Jenni & Chats

Far from home, close to Love - when mom goes away for three weeks!

I had expected more suspicious looks and carefully let-out recriminations that sum up as:

How Can You Leave Them?

It is the first thing that wormed within me when the email came that I received the scholarship.

I thought about how my mother didn't even buy herself anything fancy, visit a spa or expect gifts, until she had retired and our support had been steady and strong.

Just a generation away, and the responses I received were:

I am envious man
You deserve it
What an opportunity
Great break, go for it!

I am committed to grow as a person and in my vocation as a pastor-writer. Still, my mom-heart is so dead-centre in my being that the decision was anything but easy.

It isn't because I am a hovering parent. It's not even because of the son's exams. It's not that I fear they will unravel without me, for they won't.

I am the kind of momma who has knitted her soul with her children. I am pretty sure we haven't always made all the best choices for them, but my love is deep. My soul quivers, rises and falls sullen upon their childishness, their stubbornness, their strengths and weaknesses. My children affect me deeply, and I let them.

I think we affect God deeply, and He lets us.

But I am aware of a beckoning.
I sense a weariness in my soul.
Extended solitude is safety for the soul.
And it's time to write.

So I packed very slowly over a few days, quite unsure what I will need as I watch the weather. [It is a good thing I am a minimalist, so I am here with 4 sets of clothes and no hair dryer].


When I arrive, I know straight away this is a place their souls will come alive and miss them.

But this is a gift for me and I need to receive it.

The children are brave. Of course, they want to come. Of course, they blurt out that I am 'on holiday'. Of course, they are missing me. But the best love a momma soul can have? They believe that their momma is on adventure with God. They encouraged me and assure me that they will be fine!



We love to try to make sense of everything, but this hiatus is quite awkward to make sense of.

The productive ones who use a ledger want to know what i gained by this 'sacrifice' (so, have you written anything so far?).
The romantics want to see lovely pictures, read about my jaunts and share the adventures.
The worriers don't need to say anything, I am quite capable of conjuring worse case scenarios myself!

I only know God carved out this space and time for me. He will have the answers to the rest if I really need them, in His time.

So, till the end of April, please know that if you need to make any decision and it's not easy, it's okay.

And do pray for me to return stronger, more loving, and hopefully with some writing too.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): the real reason why I stay home

The real reason for things isn't always at first clear.

I always thought I chose to stay home because I grew up missing my mom who was busy with making ends meet and tending to a rambunctious brood of eleven.

Then of course, I thought it's about my vision for family life that was cultivated over the years, reflecting on what I lacked and what God speaks of in His Word about a new order and a new way.

Later, I felt strongly that the choice, not hard at first, but harder as the years go by (due to tiredness, seeing friends move so much 'ahead', not quite using some of my gifts), was about learning to live the cost of my convictions.

But today, the real reason suddenly presented itself to me.

God was making His home in me as He journeyed with me to make a home for my small family.

I am not sure what you feel as you read this. Maybe read it again?

Did you get that? Staying still, being small, all those feelings of insignificance, seemingly missed opportunities, living with less, trying to be true to my calling and gifts... all of what feels like loss has led to my greatest gain.

I am at home with God my Father, I know the experience of His being present, alive, living in me. I feel a security that no one else can assure me of. There is a largeness and largesse that no success or rank can offer. 

"The very credentials.. I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash - along with everything else I use to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I thought i had going for me is insignificant...so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him" ~ Philippians 3v7-9  The Message Bible

Contrary to popular notions that says the SAHM is a frustrated woman with a dour, shriveled existence, I have grown large and deep, enough to welcome the Maker. He is not a rare visitor, the A&E (or ER) paramedic that comes running. He is not an ethereal sensation. He is right here, right now, happy to be at home in and with me. I have harvested the fruit of persistence, patience and resilience through the many repetitive, humdrum days and nights. I have seen the fruit of wisdom grow in my life.

It takes a special grace to see that God is with us in the mundane (we are so silly to always connect the Divine with the spectacular, I mean, earth is exciting, but God has the entire Universe people!). He chose to come live among us didn't He, and said He would always be with us.

It takes a special Grace to sense God's working in what seems to be so little, so simple, so slow.

It takes a special Grace to fight the trends and voices all around, and eventually get to the place that you recognize the Voice that really matters.

And staying home, where there seems so little stimulation, where you may be craving better food and conversation, is like an extended time of solitude for God to come by, if we would invite Him to. 

Some of us are called to bear heavy crosses: finances are thin, we have many dependents, there may be chronic illness, special needs. But so many of us take upon ourselves crosses the world hand to us: a certain lifestyle, rank and reputation, title and titillation.

What if God gave us children to ask us to break away and enter a new way of life with Him?

What if it's about learning to see God's smiles in our children's?
What if it's about enlarging us as we pray desperate prayers when those tears don't stop and the night drags on?
What if counting pennies creates in us contentment and generosity?
What if walking at the pace of a distracted two-year-old and answering the endless 'why's?" is how God is walking with us?


When the days are long, and I recall that there is no retirement or exit clause in parenting, my heart goes out to those mothers who have to work 100% and parent 100%. The work ethic is Singapore is so punishing at times, I see parents everywhere not really attentive, present or engaged with their children, or with their own souls. What losses are we suffering, in our lives, our homes and as a society?

The world has recently been reeling from violence, first, from terror, then from horror. The latter is seeing unfit leaders assume office and perpetuate unwholesome ways of leadership, which will become the subtext of how societies do life in time. What is going on? I talked with my Filipino helper who lives with me, her two daughters still back home in the Philippines. While most employers want to get a good deal out of their worker, and I do expect good work, I am even more concerned for her daughters. I wondered if the generations of absent mothers and fathers have led to so much crime in their society. Sadly, even educated Filipinos don't see that the solution is not a hacksaw that perpetuates the language and habits of violence. Lives are treated with such disdain, what a travesty of God's Will, in a land that claims to be religious no less.

We know that we live in an inter-dependent world. But we the richer ones are often the takers. I may overstate, but it is crazy if we contribute to another society's breakdown while trying to do good by giving away material things or going on mission trip, boosting our spiritual egos. These are hard and real issues. And no one has time for these deeper things if we are all drowning in our eyeballs with grasping and grabbing.

Suddenly, the reality that the family is the basic unit and building block of a society hits me with fresh force. The question is,

Is anyone home?

And Adam knew Eve...a Valentine's special

A teen asked me, "aren't most people happily married?".

How would you answer that?

When we see pictures of fine dining, a couple dressed, smiling, a rose or a bouquet... our hearts murmur longing while our minds may race towards a combination of being happy/wondering if it's worth it/being skeptical.

Maybe it's my melancholy bent. Maybe it's my realist edge. "Happily married" does not cut it for me. But far be it that I would go through the days just glad to indicate 'married' under the status section of any form!


What does "happily married" mean to you?


Happiness is such a shallow enterprise these days and equally a rare commodity. It's so hard to find a happy person, much less, a happy couple! What do we do?


First of, I do not recommend ignoring an opportunity to celebrate love. Go have a date, do. Just remember that when the familiar infelicity visits, be bigger than it.

My spouse and I are so different that we are often impatient with each other, and that's a nasty habit. With his innate problem-solving bent, he sought for years to figure me out, till he threw his hands up in despair. With a flash of insight, he had said, "this is not possible, you are the rib that isn't a part of me anymore". As the woman who longs to be safe and cherished, there are a thousand ways he can communicate just the opposite. So we have had some very dark days and moments.


The problem wasn't all of our differences. The problem is that we were made for Joy. You and I, imago Dei, in the image of a God who sings and dances, who created the playful otter and that ridiculous owl that winks. The problem is that we have walked so far from Eden that Joy is hard for us to believe, to see, to experience.

Consider how astounding and subversive this is. This Joy deal. The world's happiness hangs on good times, wealth, and a fuss-free existence including great sex. All of it fragile stuff.


In 2015, I went on a retreat. As usual I brought my knapsack of many questions, not a few to do with my marriage. School and society, largely shaped by men, have also trained me to seek solutions.

God took me on a slow, restful time to lead me to one word: mystery.

Now mystery is a word that sets us off on a hunt for clues and rescue. Not this time. God is mystery, the great Reformers taught that, after positing a entire system for salvation. Perhaps, made in His image, we too are mystery.

The word settled upon my soul like a comforter. I felt a palpable rest to know that if I could not figure out myself, I am being human, which is to be loved by God, not categorised and 'resolved'.  You can do all the personality tests, gift tests, 360 degree review...but you will always be larger and still remain mysterious.

In fact, being loved and known by God is the foundation of a life that is set free. We are free from always exacting so much from ourselves, berating ourselves for not being at our best, striving endlessly to be improved versions of ourselves. We can then free others from the same.

God will reveal who I am to me, in the most loving way.

So I come to Adam and Eve, the first pair. Their mystery as persons and as a couple is captured in a tiny word yada. The Hebrew root is maleable and the word has multiple possible meanings, which the NKJV translates as 'know'. Look at all the ways to know:

: learn to know, perceive, find out and discern, distinguish, recognise, consider

The word is used for Adam and Eve in Genesis to refer to their consummation resulting in offspring. It is used for God and His people in the context of Covenant. It is used in personal reflection. It is a powerful little word that brings change. You can both seek to know, and be willing to be known.

We can describe our spouses by their traits, work, habits and quirks. But yada calls us to an ongoing journey of discovery, where we are willing to see and reverence the mystery of the other person's life, and offer our own.

Can you smell Joy in this?

Any relationship that is defined once for all begins to die. We have made a huge mistake selling out to the idea that marriage does that. Marriage does not define us. It is giving us the chance to be free from all the definitions imposed by self or others.

I know it's hard. People love figuring us out. We love the affirmations and the sense of security it gives. 

I know it's hard. With each rising sun, we have a thousand things to attend to and a treadmill to mount, to put food on table and send the kids to school etc. 

I know it's hard. We are often bone weary and emotionally spent. 

The getting-on-with-life interferes with Life.

So this is what I recommend for Valentine's (and don't mind the date if you are late). Go on the Threesome with God. Do something that makes each person feel Life coming back. Say ridiculous things. Share your soul (and don't get upset if the other person doesn't quite get it). Pray.

Valentine's, is like a Sabbath for your love. Rest it from all the toil of making it work. Have some yada ידע - and may the God of Love visit your Sabbath and bring it rest, the prelude to Joy.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): helping your teen know her values

What if our children lose it?

So apparently, there was this Clothes-Swap Challenge - is this fun or is this off-colour?

All parents get jumpy as we watch our once cherubic little ones grow and sometimes, morph into total strangers. We cling to what is familiar and dread being greeted by more surprises of the unpleasant kind.

The reality of how much our children's lives are informed and shaped by forces beyond us frightens us. They are digital natives who seem to draw their lifeblood from Snapchat, Instagram, and online news which we know is mostly sensational balderdash.

Friends become more important.
Dress sense starts to get expensive, weird, minimalist (as in too little coverage).
Words get haughty.
Patience wears thin.
"We don't get it", they sigh.

What if they lose it?

Signs of waning interest in spiritual matters.
Loss of motivation towards school performance.
Pre-mature romance (and gasp, pregnancy)

Why are we anxious?

We believe some things are right while others are wrong.
We understand some things must come before others.
We experience that compensation and reward do not come to those who idle.
In other words, we have life values.

value = something (a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable

We can provide a haven
We can impart wisdom
We can insist on habits
We can corral behaviour
We can bequeath material wealth
But, we cannot, simply, download values.

Values are by nature a product of time and experience.

This is where middle class, Christian homes, sometimes don't foster deep, strong, abiding values in our children.

What do we fill our time with?
What sorts of experiences do our children grow up with?

Often, the middle class home is one where success, routines and respectability typically rule. Our kids rarely know hunger. We are there to ferry them around. Problems are anticipated and resolved without much struggle on their part. They are mostly taught and trained to behave and believe to conform to our image of a decent, good, even Christian family. We try to be proper Christians who go to church and do what's right. In Asia, there is often an additional subtle layer known as 'face' or 'honour'. We go about all this sincerely and with earnest.

But this means not ruffling too many feathers. Or taking much risk. Or suffering any real pain.

A whole 'nother world from the world I grew up in. Cursory notes with other parents confirm this to be true. We all recall experiences where we have no choice but to figure out what matters and what we would stick our neck out for.

I would not like to visit my growing up style on my children. My parents received little formal education and their lives were bound up with making ends meet. I literally had to figure life out, I made my own choices of school, friends, whether I should buy an item or eat a meal, what it means to be a young woman, a Christian, a leader.

I have met a good variety of young adults who have emerged from our middle-class families.

Some have lost faith in faith and are glad to move on from a family culture they consider too narrow and limiting.
Some have finally been given permission to make personal choices, like this young woman who after five years in medical school, intends to do something totally different. Medical school was for the parents.
Some struggle with a clear sense of self, as growth necessarily means emerging selfhood, but strong parents have made the journey of assertion too painful to embark on. 

We have sad, mad and fearful young adults. (Of course, we have many wonderful ones too).

It is not their fault that our children are growing up in a different, more privileged world. But how they fare in the large world out there begins with the world we create for them in our homes and family life.

My mighty teen is entering young adulthood in a few years. She is aware of her weaknesses and is honest with her faith struggles. She turns to us for answers. It is all too easy to offer answers. We even work at listening real hard, built on the hard-won bond of many years of parental love and involvement. But then I notice something. She is agreeing to what I say, but it is not settling into her being. Some questions re-surface. The verbal assent is not matched by behaviour. The values are not solidifying.
So the inner chaos that is churning bubbles over now and then. If we are not careful, we can put a lid on it all too soon.

We also tend to use large ideas like, 'developing our identity', 'grow to be like Christ' which can be way too vague for them.

How can we help them to cultivate grater self- awareness, coach them in their choices, and help them to develop and test our their values?

As the Search Institute's Developmental Framework puts it succinctly,

Chaos + support = change

Support here is not about providing answers, rescue or planning ahead for them. It is getting down in the trenches with them. They have to do life and know it is something they can do.

The window we have for this varies from child to child, but typically begin around 14-16 and pretty much goes on for the rest of their lives. Even we have to keep figuring our values out as new experiences come our way (is retirement biblical? do we live with our elderly parents etc. So we need support too, but that's a different topic.).

How can we give the kind of support that shapes chaos into form and a framework for living strong and faithful? As I thought about my experience as a youth leader, a pastor and of course a a parent, I think the form of support needed is to help them realize and grow muscles of values that will help them navigate life. The key to this is Dialogue.

Here are some opportunities for dialogue:

a) Value development with real scenarios
No umbrella?
Did not top up ezlink?
Not packing for camp according to the list given by the school?
A fall-out with a buddy?

Scenarios can unfold or come to our attention after everything has blown up. They are great for asking qustions such as:

Why did you choose to/not to...
What is important to you about this...
How are you feeling now...

not questions like:

How can you forget
Did you ...again
You are so...

I admit to being totally guilty at using many of the latter kinds of questions and statements which label and describe rather than invite and open up the conversation.


b) Value development with anticipated scenarios
From topics they bring up, to new articles, to impending situations of concern, we can help our teens figure out their values. This takes some stomach because they can say startling things. Many of them for example are extremely sympathetic towards their friends and in a post-modern milieu would excuse everything 'as long as it makes them happy'.

It takes patience and a readiness to remain open-ended. If you emphatically say that something is wrong because 'the Bible says so', it may not work very well.

A personal and thoughtful sharing about your values for such situations is far more helpful.


c) Value development with Scripture
The stories in the Bible make for great discussion. What if David decided that Goliath is too huge a challenge? What if Jonah decides to lay down and die inside the fish? It's poignant to point out how these characters made their choices. Even the New Testament injunctions should be talked about. Isn't it creepy to 'rejoice always'? Where is the place for sadness, in the very real world of a teen's mood swings? Bring in the research and evidence that proves that Scripture is describing and prescribing a life that is lived well.

Connecting all-too familiar Scripture with real life is what they need. I once told my mighty teen, "I know you know all the stories, but you have yet to know the point of the stories in a deep way. Even I am learning....".

Share what Scriptures help anchor your priorities and choices.


d) Value development with a mentor
I wish that all teens and young adults could have a mentor, someone who's a mere generation away and feels more 'like them'. Blessed are the kids who have such mentors. But don't despair yet. Books, good sermons and even great music can be very able mentors. You just need to find them (some links at the end).

All relationships are characterized by a dynamic give and take that shapes who we are as we grow and change. As parents, we struggle too with our own values. A real faith, middle, lower or upper class calls for an authentic discussion of our struggles.


Values are a product of time and experience.

What are our family times about, and what experiences are we willing to explore and engage in as Christian parents?

It's never too late to start with small steps. Brave it. And if it feels late, remember, it's never late with God. He is not bound by time and His boundless Love has a way, always.

Here, some mentoring resources I hope you find useful.

Online:
Gals ~
 More To Be
Set Apart Girl

Guys~
Ransomed Heart
Braveheart
Bravehearted Christian

Both ~
Family Life - passport to purity/identity
Growing Leaders

In Singapore (not exhaustive):
Touch
Cornerstone