Failed - another day in parenting

Please don't tell me to chill. I am pretty chill as they come. My animal of choice after all is the one that takes naps through the day.


But I am tired, even resentful, of having to work so hard - in very specific ways - to help my children succeed through school.

I went to school nilly-willy; sometimes I did my work, many times I didn't even know I had work to get done. There are days when I was more present, asked questions and participated. More often, I blanked out or got lost in my own little world, and the fact that my teacher called me 'a dreamer' must point to that. {thankfully, that word didn't sound too harsh, so I dreamed on...}.

But with my children, I have to watch if they are ~

1. bringing all the stuff
from textbooks to activity books to folders, letters, files,letters, and more - all of which should be clearly labeled with permanent ink from get-set-go. Not being the most detailed of personalities; I still got the hang of it. But they have a lot of stuff. Last year, for English language alone, I finally got from the teacher that my son needed 8 different books/files/folders!

2. being their best
the kid should come heeled with positive learning habits ie. sit still, listen, work conscientiously, write beautifully, and of course, top it all off with band 1 marks.

3. boosting the school's performance
from raising funds to playing the cello... "is there anything your child can do ... preferably something at a competitive level?".



I never believed in hot-housing; but the temperatures are pretty high all year round with our system!


Talking with the teachers always leave me feeling like I have failed my child when they haven't caught up or measured up - in all the areas, all at once!

Even though well-meaning; I wanted to scream at the teacher: I know my child far better than you! I am the mother who chose to stay home, live on one income; to both enjoy and raise responsible, responsive human beings. As we march them off to the 'system', I braced and reminded myself often to build a synergistic team with the teachers (even the security personnel, come on!) ... bless their hearts, I know their workload is crazy. In fact, I am supportive to the point that I hear a little chiding voice asking me to feel bad, really bad, that I have failed to hand over a finer specimen for them to begin work with.

This is the discordant reality when everyone who meets your kids tell you they are 'smart' and their daily life reminds them of a different reality.

So with all my erstwhile efforts it feels like we are continually chasing a moving target.

Honestly, it's hard to motivate a child when the parent is pretty punctured!


I have found out that in their training, both pre-school and primary school teachers don't get more than a module in child development and learning. I guess, what's the point of covering that since at the end of the day it's going to be just one huge uphill task just trying to sit so many children down to and get-their-work-done; and it's a lot of work!

This past month, me the inadequate parent, found out that 'O' level students now take TWO preliminaries; the first one was in March! I cannot wrap my head around that! When did this madness begin?

Steven Covey the guru of get-things-done said to "Begin with the end in mind". 

I wonder what is the end in mind here? This is not a question about economics; it ought to be a question about Purpose.

My end in mind may just be divergent. And so, I will be classified as 'different', 'fail'... or as my funny friend used to say, we are the 'outstanding' ones - always made to stand outside/out.


How many parents end up feeling like I do, I wonder?

If you do feel lost, tired, discouraged or just plain lousy, share in the comments please.

Because you are making a difference, your way

A confession.

There are days I wonder what on earth I am doing. This post for example, what is . its . point? Why sit on a cushy chair and write when there are starving children, traumatized human slaves, lonely women, marriages falling apart and systemic evils?

You have them too don't you?

Such days call for remembering old lessons and seeking new ones. 

credit: PaoloTy

Old lessons:

1. There is only so much a brain and heart can handle.
I just heard they have been studying Einstein's brain for 60 years; this doctor kept it in a large cookie jar for a long time...and we found: thinking about complex Mathematical matters gives you not a larger brain; but a different brain. Or it was the brain that came first... Still Einstein's brain was preoccupied with higher cognition issues and as such he didn't garden, bake or write songs.
What do we want our brain to handle?

Endless questioning robs us of precious energy and brain space which can be well used persevering with what we already do; and learning to do it better. (this post will see re-drafts and editing).

2. The happy heart serves up the best meals
If we go to whatever it is we do with misgivings, disgruntlement, jealousy over others' lot and other such toxins; neither the work we do or the outcomes will be pretty. I consistently noticed that people who do amazing work - from crocheting to selling ideas - totally throw their heart into what they do.

It just matters to them. Others may laugh, criticize, mock or reduce...but they solider on, happily absorbed in what they are on to.

3. There is a God above and the results are not out yet
We are way too used to the exam script. Hustle, sweat and wait for the result slip. Sorry, but where your life is being poured out - listening, praying, going to work each day, noticing your colleagues, interceding for world needs, taking your kids to school, nursing that sick parent... there is no result slip that can tell you how well you have done.

The only indicator is the one within your bosom: do it with great love, advised dear Mother Teresa.

New lessons?

Actually, so far for me, it just seems to be a layering of the old ones. When I get restless and angst; and want to invent some great good to achieve, I leaf through these old lessons and let them strap me back onto my seat. Then I breathe deep...and I feel them more keenly, see more deeply.... I settle back into my chair; and get on with the day before me.

Sometimes, an old memory returns - a mercy of course. This morning two came to me.

I think of the surprise I felt when a young lady ran up to me and thanked me for helping her turn a corner. I don't quite recall what I said or did! Then as I sat lifting up needs and just naming them... I recalled the impression I received at my mother's passing: that I need no longer be the spiritual gatekeeper for my large family. That impression surprised me too. It wasn't a role I had thought up or defined. I clumsily loved and inconsistently prayed...and at that word I felt a huge burden roll off my shoulder.

Sometimes we just don't know what we are doing and the difference we are making. 

I have found we are happiest when we don't worry our little heads about that!

Go have a great day doing what needs to be done, what comes your way, and sit deep in your chair!

walking on at King's Park with Charisse Neo

How you and I can live Easter/Kingdom

Why do we love Easter?

When I was young, the church gave us red eggs. It was a treat! There was also so much more smiling, an air of happiness and celebration. Jesus rose from the dead! He is alive!

Then Jesus' resurrection moved from eggs to inquiry: did he really rise from the dead? Where is the evidence?

Then it moved on some more. Easter was not to vindicate that I chose a better faith - one that was sound, true, and powerful - but it was God about doing something; and giving me a chance to be a part of it.

This final understanding continues to unfold for me.

It began as some rather vague connection about defeating death and so guaranteeing eternal life, proving heaven is real, facing down death.. and then moved on to: overcoming, healing, freedom ..
Indeed, one can attach a host of true as well as romantic notions to the  Easter event. I have even read that Jesus' first appearance to women was a woman's right triumph! All shades of the religious spectrum interpret and use the Easter event to great effect {minus the bunnies and chocolates}.


But to get to what Easter is about; we have to get Jesus. It was his triumph to begin with. It was he who embraced the death, reckoned with the powers, entered the abyss, and then rose!

To make sense of Easter then, we would have to trace what he has been saying and how he has been living. We would have to observe what mattered to him - what he would have been willing to die for.

Jesus' message is the Kingdom of God.

"repent for the Kingdom of God is at hand"

It is a message continuous with the story God revealed and preserved in the Torah. In fact, Jesus used the Torah on several occasions to connect who he is, and what he did with God's great act of deliverance and with God Himself. Jesus did not hide his divinity or the Divine Agenda he was about.

“If I, with the finger of God, cast out demons among you, then the Kingdom of God has come near to you” {reference to Moses}

Followers of Jesus need to know this. Seekers of truth need to ponder this. Pursuers of passion need to grapple with this.

Jesus lived the Kingdom in his words and his ways. It was pretty scandalous in his day -

Welcoming children.

Talking with women and even granting them status as disciples, and accepting support from them

Befriending the dubious and doubtful

Leading a team of not-quite-theres

Both observing religious obligations and breaking them 

Wait --- it looks like it would still be pretty scandalous today!

Children - we can talk a lot about them; but in Singapore, they are still the fringe. From school hours to performance expectations; we don't consider their needs but demand they fit our economic framework. I was appalled to hear that school buses ply as early as 5.45am because they want to leave on time to ferry factory workers. Don't we have enough to nationalise/subsidise transport for our children if we want to? We can make the buses go round robin in estates to send all children to schools in an area? All those minibuses that serve condominiums can be tapped on?

Women - all we ever talk about is women making it on par with men! That is our measure. Women make wonderful disciples, leaders, evangelists and so on in all seasons of their lives. We are designed to multi-task, to adapt to seasons, to nurture and build community. Interestingly, these obvious traits are now seen as useful in the boardroom {yet again}. In our world that equates worth with economic value; many women are not valued: home-makers, care-givers, wives, grandmothers...Too little imagination is allowed for women to flourish as creatives, community builders, life-shapers unless it comes with a label called 'work' or 'entrepreneur'.

Doubting? Not quite reformed? - Most of them are walking around in the corridors of our church; some are even leading up front. But is there a safe space for them to share their questions; to be helped to grow and overcome? We are impatient for change, growth, commitment. After three years with Jesus, the disciples were still very clueless and unformed in many ways. We need to handle the tension that with the indwelling Holy Spirit in believers today; amazing growth can happen. Yet, some seem to to be given more to doubt and skepticism. But where there is a seed of faith; give it time to germinate.

Dream team? - Not a few of the 12 smelt fishy - they had issues. They weren't sterling model citizens. My bug bear? We gravitate like bugs to a light when it comes to selecting leaders: let's go with the rich, successful, respectable {which can also mean busy, and quite set in their ways}. I have met and worked with many amazing leaders; but this approach can dangerously load huge Egos onto the wagon. Conflict that's in the end all about personality - too many to name.


But I am heartened because we are growing up, people!

I have met individuals who have overhauled their lifestyles, who reach out to children, the fringe, the sick, the elderly. Individuals who care for the earth. Individuals who take their voice all the way up to the Parliament.
There are those who work with passion from the ground up to change mindsets, instil hope, create social spaces and conversations that ignite imagination and free souls.
There are groups that want to foster a richer, deeper connection with God.
There are groups made up of Kingdom ragamuffins who want to help each other along.

Signs of the Kingdom!

What about you? Which aspect of the Kingdom stirs within you? Put your hand to the plough and work at it. Follow Jesus!

Here's an idea for you to find clues to your Kingdom portion:
read the Gospels slowly. Savour the stories and the words. Which one repeatedly jumps up at you? Which one moves you to tears? Which one made you sigh and wished you were present; and what would you be doing there?