Searching for my peers + observations of the generations + a call for In-Betweeners

I miss my peers. That's you if you were born in the region of 1965s.

I don't mean they have all been abducted by aliens; and yes, I can name those I do see and are good friends with. It's just so few.

When you think about it, it seems we always have peers with us. Certainly if we go through the paces of school - we are organised along age lines and march merrily (or not) with the flow until...

suddenly,
somehow,
somewhere,
all our paths diverge.


This sensation first struck me when I made a mental note of people I am spending time with, talking to, facebook following or being followed. They are all older or younger than me. It felt like such a surreal discovery, I was going to keep it to myself until in a casual conversation, someone else mentioned that he seemed to have lost his peers. I sat up. Well, I was not alone in my existential corner after all.

Perhaps I have neglected my friends I moaned. ("What? Friends since kindergarten?" - my actual words to an actual person). So I embarked on trying to find them. Facebook was very helpful here. Soon enough, I had an assortment of them like so many different kinds of chocolates in a box: old school friends, former church mates, groupies...  We even sometimes talked about getting a class reunion, an alumni gathering, a back to the past blast...but very little would happen. "O move on" someone said. I admit I have always had this nostalgic twinge to me. But is there more to it?

In fact, I did meet up with a group of old friends from youth days in church and it was very heartwarming and of course a lot of labour to figure out the nearly twenty years of life done! Thankfully we shared a tacit understanding that this meet ups will occur slowly over a long time.


But in real life, the everyday, I find that most of the women I relate with are older than me or else, younger.

The older women are in structured groups inevitably, mentoring group, exercise class and work-related relationships. The younger ones are discovered and cultivated through interest groups, activities and life mentoring.

There is something else. In both cases, though I am comfortable and enjoy them; I also find it takes quite a bit of effort to connect at times. You know, the humour, the language, the hidden codes in communication. I feel young with one, and old with the other. Both a privilege and a puzzle.

Maybe this is the more. There is this beautiful exhortation to women:

"...older women...teach what is good...train the younger women.."  ~Titus 2v25

I love the way this connects the generations, generating a community, a continuity, an interdependence, a sense of honour for the older and a compassionate concern for the younger. The text does have cultural elements (love husbands for example, which won't apply to single women) but the overall theme is one of an older generation investing in the younger one.

Alas, this is a huge difficulty. As I look at both sides I see a huge divide. Younger women today are so different from their older sisters! The access, opportunity, self-determination, knowledge base, even values are so different. I feel intimidated and wonderfully overwhelmed at what the younger set can get up to. I wonder if they need me at all. 

It's not unusual to find one generation flustered over the other; and mothers, aunts and older women in general cannot find successors for work and ministry. 

But this isn't in the end about fashion, language and technological changes. We can learn the LOLs and who doesn't love emojis:

This is about something deeper. We have a bent away from each other. Reaching out, trusting, risking a relationship has always been difficult. No one wants to feel foolish, or worse, get rejected. The air we breathe today breeds individualism and narcissism. 

It will take a lot of humility on both sides to look up and gaze across until our we sense that in the older/younger woman is a heart beating much like ours; and perhaps women who can --

enjoy both kopi-see and Latte
eat chee-cheong fun today and eggs benedict tomorrow
read 150 Psalms as well as Fifty Shades (or about it)
articulate her core values and listen to new ones
hold on to her faith and hold on to a doubter
release her children to adolescence yet go ga-ga over new borns

The in-betweeners.

These women can remind us all that while some strain will always exist between the generations; there is equally, if not more true; a precious bond in sisterhood that becomes bold and holds us all together if we tend to it. 

I hope to do so; and if you are my peer, join me. Just this: please let me know so I know you are real!


Your story and your scars are important for the next generation if you share it out of love for them.

Do you sometimes miss your peers?
How can you reach someone older, or someone younger?

Small things that cause Big Trouble... like Doubts

Since my bout with dengue, I am more alert to tiny things that wreck major havoc.

Consider the microscopic Yersinia Pestis {the name tells you it's up to no good} -- that's the one the rats carried around causing The Black Death which wiped out nearly half of Europe's population!

A lot of small things can cause big trouble.

Germs
Indiscretion
Compromise
Fudging
Denial

It may not take much imagination to consider how these can lead to greater woes from marital break-downs to criminal liability. But there are other small things we let slip which over time can lead to serious trouble too.

Consider the following:

Laziness can result in habits that undermine one's potential, can mean important things are left unsaid and undone.

Inaccuracy can lead to untruth. It's easy in our anger and tiredness to gloss over things or shorten what we need to express. But so much trouble ensues because we don't tell the whole story.

A lack of gratitude can lead to callousness, cynicism and a critical attitude.

{if any of these are calling out to you, this is where to stop reading and start asking yourself some hard Qs, and perhaps talk to someone you trust}


There is yet another set of seemingly small stuff that when undealt with can gather itself into a mountainous pile that gets too huge to surmount. Doubts.

Here is a plague that affects us all.

Whether they come in the form of

regrets (I should have / I wonder if..)
questions (can it be / it doesn't make sense / I feel it's unfair, strange, wrong...)
fears (what if..)

I live with these doubts. I journey with others about their doubts.

Alas few of us have learnt how to live with them in a way that is constructive. Instead, we often receive very unhelpful counsel such as -

it is wrong and a lack of faith to doubt
there is no absolute
we are being too subjective

So being the busy creatures we are, we ignore and stuff them up and away. But it doesn't work well - not for long.

If you continually battle doubts about your faith, spouse, work, self -- the doubts will seep out or they will pile up. They also colour our perspective and can distort our view, making things much worse than they are!

Doubts by Rae Henrietta 1886

The best thing to do in the face of all doubts is to have a true, honest conversation - first with yourself; then with someone you trust. I describe it here. {right click to read}

It is also important to distinguish which of 3 kinds of doubt {right click to read} you are grappling with so you can volley the right response at it!


Our doubts are us wanting to be sure. They demand an answer  and will echo around the chambers of your heart until it becomes a ruckus! So face them. Just remember, "there may be no answer to this one at this point of time" is an answer, when uttered in honesty after effort has been expended.

Think about it - you may save a life

This morning as I sat with my tea and kaya* toast, I thought once again of two friends who I no longer am able to contact. I have searched for them...but they are now elusive. This isn't the first time I miss people in my life.

Last night when I was at Ang Mo Kio Central, I avoided the huge exhibition on the late Mr LKY.


When you have touched grief, every death reaches a nerve that has been awakened it seems, and it relays quickly to tear ducts and places of loss. It's not a pleasant feeling and I did not want to go there as I am carrying some heartache within.



Eventually though, I walked among the black and white photos, the art pieces, the In-Memory lines penned by those who met, knew, and respected the man.

part of the exhibit at Ang Mo Kio Central Stage

I am not sure if this morning's longing to know if my friends are doing well is connected; but I refused to let my longing go to waste. What was it trying to tell me? This after all, isn't the first time I have longed for my friends.

In this case, these two friends - unconnected with each - had come to me in their time of confusion. They were at a loss about their life and they have tried some pretty rough routes. They were successful in some ways but yet they felt really lost.

I have known them both for years. We were not food or drink buddies and did not have any regular hang out time. One of them lives overseas. I'm probably not the first person they turned to; but along the way, my face and name came to them. As I thought about it, I wondered if they reached out to me perhaps because I was a pastor (even though a young one then).

The memory of their visits returned to me vividly one day. Then years ago I had prayed and left it in God's hands. Today though it seems the Spirit has more to say. As I put myself in their shoes, I realised how sorely disappointed they might have been - because - I could not enter their pain and so failed to offer any real hope. I can see their body language, the many pauses and moments of silence, and yes, the way they left.

Even as I reflected, I feel aware of my emotional state at that time: I was mired in my own struggle and it loomed so large, it was always casting this shadow over me that the Light was not shining freely around. It's hard to see clearly when it's dark and dreary.

As a result, my heart and mind was not engaging the way my friends needed me to.


This morning, this verse came from 1 Peter 1 came to me:

"...prepare your minds for action.."

 "put your mind in gear.."

Interesting that engaging and activating our thoughts is so critical.

Peter is talking about our new future in Christ, building up to His return. The allurements of self and society are many; being faithful and fruitful in our lives requires us putting all our horsepower behind it.

At risk of sounding harsh, sloth is a huge problem for many of us. Otherwise, we are busy over the wrong priorities, such as serving up our opinions on a myriad of things on social media.


What should we apply our minds to?
What should we take time to think about?

2 things:

what is diluting or threatening my identity as God's child

how in my circumstances do I live the new God-given life in Christ.

The answers to these two essential Qs will help move us towards a way of living --
- where we know what matters and what doesn't
- where we realised how immeasurably valued we are that God would send Jesus to die for us
- where what we do now will usher in a whole new existence some day

Back to my friends. I re-imagined the scene. What if we took time to think about how each other is doing, really doing, the world will know a whole new level of peace.

If we dare risk asking the Q: what are you really saying?
If we listen to the heart behind the words.

Instead we live with a lot of assumptions. We assume the family is okay. We assume the church is alright since things are humming along. In some instances, we even pretend; because we have a hunch that things are not fine but we don't feel the energy or motivation to find out the truth.

But imagine if we did.

What will happen if we took some time at the end of each day to reflect on the interactions we had. Perhaps there is someone we need to go back and check on, someone to pray for, some issue to think about. Perhaps we find it's a whole new area we may need to do some research and asking around...Perhaps we will hear fears and anxieties; but we may well hear brilliance, off-beat ideas and passion. Or we may hear pain and frustration, lostness...

...and if we have been preparing our minds, that is to say we have given thought to some of these things in the light of what God has revealed... the Spirit would draw out from the reservoir of our 'homework' and we would have hope to offer.

I cannot roll back the clock. I still hope to locate my friends and apologise for failing them. It is a huge comfort that I can turn to prayer.

You may think I am beating myself up. But this reflection leading to repentance for my self-centredness and my callous attitude towards other's pain is going to save my life and someone else's one day.

I am being saved from a false sense of myself. I see how far I am still from Christ's likeness. This does not make me 'work harder' but turn to God to find security and steadfastness. God is the one who gives the growth and matures us. Our own ideas of growth and transformation are often mixed in with the self's need for attention. No, only God's agenda is pure and true.

I trust that as He does, I will feel and fare differently in the coming days when others turn to me with their need.

* kaya - an Asian bread spread made of eggs, pandan and coconut. yummy! ref: Critical and Explanatory Commentary by Robert Jamieson, A. R. Fausset and David Brown and published in 1871.