Future ready?

I suppose some things will remain.

We certainly hope so: those jobs that carry prestige and bring in the moolah - bankers, doctors, engineers, lawyers, vets... The Professionals.

Some of us grudgingly admit that a 'proper job' is acceptable and can be a source of pride: designers, dancers, singers... The Presentables.

But what if your child and you are clueless about what the trajectory looks like? Is it time to panic?

How do we work out the tension between wanting our kids to have a life (and especially a childhood) and a future that we don't even know about?

We have heard enough about how fast the pace of change is. Later this year, we may have a wristband that can transmit your phone image and you can swipe your arm!

Some of us cheer, some will jeer, others will find it just plain queer that such an 'innovation' is required at all [not to mention the Evangelical obsession with last days and the anti-Christ].


But we are mostly thinking of change in terms of product innovation. There is another change afoot.

This video speaks of change based on current trajectory and it's mighty exciting and scary at once.


Yet if we pay attention to the news; this trajectory may have serious tangents and disruptions-

The economy isn't working well anymore.

There aren't enough real jobs.

 We haven't had any real innovation for a while (though many projects are at the cusp of success if they could have funding - and many for good causes, such as cleaning up the seas).

 There is rising discontent on multiple levels in many societies, poor and affluent.

 A property magnate thinks he can be the American president.

 There are alternative models of business and financing via the Internet that parallels or may overtake traditional markets.

There is cause for much worry - if - we sit around and expect things to be fixed for us.


How shall we raise our children to be future ready?


You remember how at some point, you asked, "what is the point of studying this?".
It's a question prompted by sloth and some real inquiry. We used to moan a little then get on with it.
Today, when kids ask the question, it's kinda like us; but they are onto more. They already live in a different world than us. We inhabit the same spaces but do not see and interpret them the same way.

Perhaps then, what we need is to stop imagining a future we cannot quite see; but get into heads and hearts more to see the future the way they are envisaging it. More than once my mighty teen has said, "Mom, it won't be like that". It gave me pause. 

We should bring the great unknown into out discussion, and then, read the amazing legacies of exploration.

scaling everest
braving the antartic
crossing the seas
plumbing the depths

read about these -

scientists
adventurers
biologists
trekkers
missionaries

If it's going to be new territory, perhaps the best way to be future ready is to be inspired to see the future as a space to be explored and conquered. It is best to prepare to develop grit, compassion, and collaboration. It is necessary to have basic survival skills honed: reading, problem-solving, relatonal intelligence, self-care. It is time to face the fears and demons. It is time to find a reason for living.

And I have found that I need to keep seeking my own reason for living in order to believe in life, in my place here, and not be overwhelmed. I guess I am modeling for my children how to face the future.


I'm thinking this is how best to be future ready. What about you?

How sorry is sorry enough....and why it matters.

How sorry is sorry enough?

In our world of feel-good, no one wants to be, feel, or say sorry these days. I mean, when was the last time you apologized to someone; or had someone apologized to you?

There is even a need for a book like this:

We are awkward, clumsy, unsure and unwilling about it.
Parents, especially moms are probably luckiest when our kids, very little, are fairly quick to say sorry.

But they outgrow it!

What does 'sorry' mean?

There are two things to be sorry about when something goes wrong. We are sorry for our actions. We are sorry for the effects of our actions; how it has impacted others.

Whilst the children were still little, I learnt from watching other parents to teach them to say, 

I am sorry I disobeyed and didn't pack my toys.

I am sorry I threw the toy on the floor. 

-- an apology that includes how they feel and what they did wrong. 

The thing is, well into adulthood, we continue to have our toys and tantrums. But we may well have learnt the fine skill of justifying and rationalizing it all. We would also have learnt the art of self-defense where our motives and actions are always somewhat right so there's nothing to really apologize for.

Deeper into the territory, we may decide that it is pointless to apologize or feel sorry since nothing really changes; we are just different and should go our separate ways.

This explains why with all our education and the best of spiritual persuasion, the world is full of pride and prejudice, selfishness and sin: we learn to be comfortable with it all; it's the way things are and we can’t really change it.

Some of us even parent our children into this reality -

You mustn't trust anybody so easily
If you don't fight for it, someone else will get it
Take care of yourself, no one is going to take care of you

Any wonder if our homes and churches and communities ricochet with hurt, accusation and apathy?

I wonder about this. No one ever taught me to say sorry. I was totally bad at it. There were very few instances I felt a need to express it, and when I did, it rarely found it way through my teeth. Feeling remorseful and wrestling with regret is more virgin territory to me than uttering the word 'sorry'.

What I saw growing up was folks making amends and coping: the uneasy, awkward silence, the clumsy attempts to patch up with deeds of kindness, staying away to avoid further trouble, or just being silent and hoping it will all be forgotten in time. I could never be sure where the relationships stood. They were not classroom lessons; but lessons nonetheless - more is caught than taught after all.

But these approaches didn't cut it. Not as a spouse, a parent or a leader.

My spouse is the expert 'apologiser'. I tease him (and believe) that his apologies have many times saved our marriage. Sometimes I look at him and wonder what on earth he is even apologising for! We are both sensitive souls; but perhaps sensitised to slightly different stimuli.

My children of course were not going to be able to learn well if they don't have a humble posture in life. To help them learn the needful art of restoring relationships, I needed to model apology for them; and there were plenty of opportunities for sure:

Mom is so sorry I raised my voice just now
I am so sorry you feel this way...
Sniff, I am sorry, please let's forgive each other and hug up...
Sorry I had to turn the TV off because…
Mom is crying because I am sorry I disobeyed God…

Life is about growing in Grace and Truth - the twin pillars of living for what's right, and in a way that is bold and enriches others - and being sorry is inevitable. The energy for sorrow and making amends propels us towards growth. We learn from our failures and persevere in our convictions. We hack away the tendrils of complacency and compromise to be able to stand tall and strong. We fight our self-preservation tendencies and pride to hunker down and do the work necessary to keep the ship afloat and sailing.

The power of being sorry, rightly.

Like all powers, it begins early and has to be trained and harnessed. It is not a true power when a child says sorry when told to. It is not a true power when an adult says sorry because he's backed against a wall. It has to happen from the inside out. 

So how sorry is enough?

It's easy to tell a child to 'say sorry'. But we must do more.

We must then progress to help them see the values behind it and nurture their hearts to embrace those values:

relationships matter,
truth matters,
your motives and methods matter.

Above all, when we are proud and loveless, when we choose the easy way out and lie or cheat, when we pretend and hide behind a veneer of respectability and good behaviour, we are doing self-harm and dis- honouring God.

Saying sorry needs to be taken to the highest court.

 I have found that no real change happens until this occurs. When we are willing to stand before God and admit our sin, when we can turn to another and admit the pain we caused them…..when we are truly sorry, we change. Short of that, we easily return our old ways and fall into familiar ruts again and again. This is how we get jaded and numbed and cynical of real change and Kingdom glory.

In fact, many traditions and cultures create a way for apology and renewal of trust; often at cusp of a new year.

The Muslims seek the forgiveness of their elders at the start of Adil Fitri.
The Hindus are stern about familial order - if you touched an older person rudely, an immediate apology is required.
The Chinese will organise a meal where the aggrieved party is served tea by the contrite offender.

For the Christian?

There is confession before God that can happen anytime - what freedom!

"if we confess our sins, he is just faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." ~ 1 John 1v9

And then there are Seasons for deeper reflections leading to root origins of some of our most pernicious and duplicitous behaviour. We are in such a season right now: Lent. It began with Ash Wednesday when we remember our mortality and our sinful bent and mark it with ash on our foreheads (not all Churches do so these days).

Christians who have known mercy and live upon Grace, and know how to say sorry will be peace-makers, and O how our world needs that!


And here is a portion of the wonderful movie Inside Out that can be a great tutorial. Sorry is a hard territory and can be a long way - through the places of pride and fear of being rejected or ridiculed. But Short cuts may not cut it... a clip from Inside Out... and this is what it's like - just a series of events...when we don't ever process all our jumbled emotions...

and if you want a proper study about it: when a Japanese apologises and when an American does.

Those Teen Years: blessing or what!?!

I know this is how we feel: 'children are a blessing'..... but teens -- are something else!

There is a saying from Mark Twain that typifies the attitude many adults have toward teenagers: 

“When a child turns twelve you should put him in a barrel, nail the lid down and feed him through a knothole. When he turns sixteen, plug the hole!”

Today, it's more like when they turn 10!

Here is much wisdom from a man who lives deeply, resisting the world's mould and seeking the Kingdom. I highlights bits for us:

When we are out of sympathy with the young, then I think our work in this world is over. 

–George MacDonald

The teen years are often the most difficult in a person’s life. They involve intense struggles, feelings, and changes, many of which teenagers have a hard time verbalizing. Yet I believe that despite the turbulence of adolescence, these years can be a truly wonderful time. It may be a difficult period of life, but why should it be an especially negative one? I wonder if psychologists, sociologists, and the media have so overemphasized the downside of adolescence that today’s youth cannot help living out the stereotypes put on them?

Teen years are an age of opportunity instead of a test of parental endurance. Besides, there is something about youth that we adults need to learn from. It is often young people who push for real changes.

We have seen this time and again all over the world: the White Rose movement in Hitler Germany, for example, or the young people who demonstrated in Tiananmen Square in China, or the growing movement of activism against war, racism, and environmental exploitation here in the United States. Actually, the youth of our nation are not being given enough credit for the many positive things they have done and are doing, especially in light of all the outside pressures they have to deal with.

But all teenagers also struggle with certain emotional, physical, intellectual, and social challenges. Their internal worlds consist of a jumble of tensions: emotional highs and lows, a desire to be left alone and to be included, a need for freedom and a longing for greater responsibility, a feeling of invincibility and a fear of failure, questioning authority and the need to fit in, submitting to peer pressure on the one hand and adult authority on the other.

For this reason parents and teachers need to have extra-big hearts for young people. The battle around them, as well as in them, rages in full force. Very few teenagers pass through these years without at least a few bumps and bruises. Many are wounded for life. But this is all the more reason to see it as a privilege to be with youth: to work with them, to share their joys and struggles, to be a friend to them, and to guide them to what they are meant to become.

Teens share most easily with adults who have an understanding and acceptance of themselves. By revealing who you are, by sharing about the struggles you have had, and by reflecting on your own life experiences, you are inviting the young person under your care to do the same. Teenagers appreciate it when an adult is candid and up-front with them. For a teen, honest sharing means “I trust you enough to tell you the whole story.”

This doesn’t mean they will automatically share what they are thinking and feeling. Teenagers in general resent having to communicate on demand. It is rarely helpful to say: “Why don’t you ever share with us? Why won’t you say something?” This only makes teens clamp up even more. Our role is to express care and interest in their lives, and to do so through deeds, not by peppering them with questions.

Also, a good dose of humility can go a long way to reaching a teenager’s heart. Teens need parents and adults who will admit their own limitations and say they are sorry. Teens need to see that adults are human. One young woman wrote to me:

Most kids growing up naturally think that their parents are “the best.” At least this is how it was for me. They knew best and that’s why they had the final say. But when I got into my teen years, wow, everything turned upside down. I became very rebellious and was determined to fight my parents tooth and nail. The day came, however, when I realized that my parents were not perfect people. When I realized that my parents were just like me, that they had their own problems to deal with, that they made mistakes and wrong decisions and would also say they were sorry, my relationship with them began to relax. I could start to open up. It wasn’t just them against me.

I am glad young people question things. And they tend to question everything – especially if it’s something Mom and Dad hold to. They often think they know it all, and thus it is tempting to try and put them in their place. Granted, it is not always easy to determine if a child’s rebellion is serving the cause of good or of evil (hence prayer is such a powerful refuge and resource!), and teenagers still have a lot to learn. But we can kill our relationship with a teenage son or daughter – and teachers can erect instant walls between themselves and their students – if we fail to really listen to them. We should never talk at young people, but with them.

There is nothing worse for a young person than to be treated like a kid. When we treat a young person like an intelligent, thoughtful human being, that teen will eventually respond and most likely start acting like one!

 

Out of love for young people, we need to do everything we can to help them formulate their thinking and express their ideas.

As teens open up, it’s important to listen non-judgmentally. This doesn’t mean expressing agreement. It only means that you are eager to know what they are thinking and feeling and that you don’t get all worked up in response to some outlandish or contradictory remark. (they are dramatic; listen beyond the words and tone).

Adolescents are thinking about life, questioning and processing the values that have been instilled in them. They often try on different ideas (so don't panic and jump to conclusions too soon), much like the different clothes they wear. The feeling that “now I am an adult and I can do it better than you” plays a bigger role than we realize. They are in the process of formulating their own opinions and ideas.

They want to become their own persons and for this reason will often gravitate towards viewpoints that differ from their parents and the adults around them. In fact, they often would rather have their own opinion than be right. This should not be read as a sign of rejection. (ouch, but give them a chance to explore: like maybe visit other churches, try out clothes [you can maintain how much cloth there should be] & music [you can appeal to volume for peace at home]...

The main thing is to keep an open relationship with our teens. If they feel understood, valued, supported, and trusted, they will respond – even if begrudgingly at times – to our guidance. To nurture a relationship doesn’t mean we forgo speaking a straight word when it is needed or hesitate to set clear boundaries where necessary. In fact, despite complaints to the contrary, teenagers need and want limits. The issue is how best to set and enforce them. Teens, of course, will naturally push the limits. But clear boundaries communicate care and concern. Without rules and structure teenagers get the message that we adults do not love them or care about their well-being.

Again and again we need to find ways to let our teenagers know that we are there for them. We need to keep encouraging them. The word “encourage” comes from the French and literally means to give someone heart. Teenagers, like all people, need ten times more positive, supportive feedback than negative. Concentrate on their accomplishments, not on their failures.

  

Harold Loukes, the Quaker educator, writes: “The young do not need to be preached at; they need to be given a task.” We need to entrust young people with meaningful responsibilities. They need to feel needed. Teenagers do better, and are happier, when they have useful and necessary tasks that demand something from them. They want to be counted on.

I will always be grateful for how my father kept pointing me to use every day to serve others; that my happiness depended not on what I could get out of life for myself but in considering others. Young people need to know that every seemingly tiny deed of love can have a tremendous ripple effect. An act of kindness, or standing up for one’s convictions, adds goodness, instead of pain, to our world.

In my experience, young people will take up this challenge. It’s not a matter of pressuring them to follow our path or of making choices for them so they will do “the right thing.” It’s about helping them to see that only by turning to God and looking beyond themselves will their lives obtain true dignity and fulfillment.

gratefully from: Johann Christoph Arnold  {The Plough}