15 Jun 2016

Orlando shooting: time to take care of our hearts

Maybe it's because our eyes are right there in front of our heads, oriented outwards. We tend to look away from ourselves and seek answers from out there:

If only my parents did/didn't...
What to do? I came from this school...
Somehow my friends...
Where's the perfect one...

This is confession right here. It's my problem too.



Of course, there are things to grow, improve, even fix - out there. But whether it does or does not; whether it goes in the direction that will truly lead to more grace, joy, freedom and peace; it depends on what is going on right within our hearts.


There's been another shooting. Everyone is looking outwards: did he have links to terrorist groups? Was he radicalized? Some say he was really disturbed when he witnessed two gays kissing. Mateen the shooter, himself, looked outwards: this is a horrid club and the people (perhaps representing a whole swathe of their ilk) needs to die. Things will be different if I acted on the circumstances out there.

We will act out what's really in our hearts. We will communicate what we truly think - maybe not in the words; but in the tone, perhaps in the words withheld or in our body language.

For -

The mess of the world is the mess in our hearts.

The mess in our homes is the mess in our hearts.

The mess in our minds is the mess in our hearts.


How easy it is to denounce structural injustice, institutionalized violence, social sin! And it is true, this sin is everywhere, but where are the roots of this social sin? In the heart of every human being. Present-day society is a sort of anonymous world in which no one is willing to admit guilt, and everyone is responsible. We are all sinners, and we have all contributed to this massive crime and violence in our country. Salvation begins with the human person, with human dignity, with saving every person from sin. ~ Oscar Romero

Our hearts: that space and place where our longings, dreams, fears, dreads, memories and motivations, rationale and reasoning dwell..... the nub of who we are; that is forming, deforming.. and which dictates our performing.

Scientists cannot locate this 'heart'. Is it the same as the mind? Is it somewhere in the spaces between the folds in our brain? Is it but the electrical impulses that fire between the nerves and the chemical washes that are triggered by tiny glands? Science can observe the operations, but not nail the origins. Even identical twin studies must concede that there is some organisation that needs to account for the differences they find when two persons who share nearly exactly similar genetic material simply do not respond in the same ways to the same stimuli.

Recently I read that the Dalai Lama, recognizing the complexity of human emotions has commissioned a project to create a guide that helps people be more in touch with their true emotional state: The Atlas of Emotions.


So often, we can be strangers to ourselves; to our hearts.


The heart is a difficult place to get to. But if all your traveling in the world doesn't lead you there, you haven't traversed the most important space there is: your own heart.

And what havoc we wreak on ourselves and each other.


Just recently I was talking with a divorcee. As her discomfort abated, the words began tumbling out. So many aspects are involved in a decision like this. I considered how she must have grappled with her initial choice to marry the person, all the many pressures she experienced as things started to fall apart, the sense of guilt and anger, the road ahead with a child....yet most of these she talked about rather in passing. I was quite taken aback that she found comfort in finding an affordable lawyer; and that lawyer had waved her arm across the shelves behind her to reveal the number of cases she had handled; as if it normalised everything. Her heart is hushed into silence - for the thing to do is to press on and get the papers signed.


All the debris of unsettled hearts.



We see the muscle. We feel it continually beating out this rhythm; and we just expect it to. But stress can cause an arrhythmia; that skip of a beat. Otherwise, we just keep going, fueled by some Red Bull -ish potion we have found; the high that makes us forget, laugh, forge on.

If you are I are serious about peace within ourselves and in our world, then we must pay attention to this invitation by Jesus ~

"Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” ~ Matthew 11v28, The Message, bold mine.

To live -
freely
lightly
rested
unforced
rhythmic
Grace-full
begins with getting up, away, and going to Him:

come, 
get away, 
listen, 
watch, 
walk, 
learn, 
keep company.




As with all explorations and discovery, we need both a base camp and trajectory to start out on. The base camp is our present life with all of its circumstances. Jesus does not call us to jettison it all. He never did live with ideal circumstances.

The exploration is to create a way to go to Him, find a way to get away in order to listen, to find a new focus for our eyes and our hearts. It is it listen to his take on things. It is to imagine his approach, his words, his choices. We unlearn to learn. We find it too hard and impossible. We are too ashamed of our complicity with darkness, our readiness to satisfy our egos.

We keep company with Jesus because all our sins and griefs cannot drain His forgiveness and goodness. 
We keep company with Jesus because our best hopes and loftiest ideals will be affirmed.
We keep company with Jesus because we become like the company we keep.





You come away from some encounters deeply nourished - and that's always a slow meal - not a buffet spread where you are tempted to grasp and pile it up. 

Keep company with Jesus, and those who draw you to him. Take care of your heart, and your heart will take care of all that truly matters to you.





"This is the cause why we be not all in ease of heart and soul: 
that we seek here rest in those things that are so little, wherein is no rest, 
and know not our God that is All-mighty, All-wise, All-good. 
For He is the Very Rest."


~ Julian of Norwich


2 Jun 2016

Why doesn't God rescue us?

She sounded urgent. When she finally arrived in my dorm room, her face told me she was troubled. Then she told me that she was nearly date raped. He was a Christian guy she had met on campus. She was a very young believer herself and thought it was only right to go out with a fellow Christian. Through teary eyes, she asked me, "Why didn't God stop it? Why didn't He rescue me?".

I had no answer for her. She was the star student, extremely beautiful and of a gentle, quiet disposition. She would never have baited him. I hardly knew the guy and my thoughts turned towards vitriol for him.

Why would a good God let a nice girl like her end up with a trauma like this? She certainly didn't deserve it. I had no answer.

This was nearly thirty years ago.

But daily as we are bombarded by tough stuff, witness outrageous evil, see senseless violence, hear and read of the sacrifice of children to neglect, greed, injustice and oppression; we are all hoping, and wondering why God doesn't act to stop any of it.

Chernobyl, taken off Telegraph.co.uk

Just last month, I came to know of this prominent Christian businessman and leader's teen daughter who was gang raped when their home was burglared. Even as an adult, married with children, she tears up as she shares about it.

There are some things we will never forget.


To be sure, it could become her story - the girl who was raped. But her story was larger than that. It could become the headline that would hog and overshadow everything else about her; she could go through life forever broken, limping, and aching over it - fearful of men, dreading her future, hiding from God, herself and others. But it didn't.

Thankfully, it didn't for my girlfriend too. She too married and has a beautiful daughter.

Perhaps, God did rescue them.


I remember once when I was in anguish over some losses in my life. I heard God say to me that I had to walk through it. Then I saw this picture of a helicopter lowering a ladder to rescue someone from the top of a roof as a fierce deluge raged on all around. God contrasted it for me: I felt I was drowning and I desperately wanted to be airlifted out of my situation. But God said to go through it. I cried some more....until I realised that God was saying also that it will not last forever. I just needed to be brave, to soldier on; not avoid or wish it away. And then these familiar words:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For You are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me." ~ Psalm 23




Strength and courage comes when we stop fleeing and turn to face what's before us.



There is such a thing called The . Necessary . Journey. It is the months or years we must endure in order to grow up:

1. we become aware of how naive we are
Just to assume that a person has the label "christian", "leader", "popular" means they are desirable, suitable or safe is plain naive. Persons are complex. We have to take time to know them.
Equally we can be naive about ourselves. Some of us will refuse to admit to our weaknesses and demons properly. We say it lightly and glibly and allow it to lurk around. They will take us down; we must be brave to face it. We must admit to how much we fear peer pressure, desire attention, compromise our ethics or values. Without a true admission and a devotion to go the other way, we may set ourselves up for a weak faith and life.

Truth and authenticity happens when we accept who we are and admit that we need to grow.

2. we see the world with clearer eyes
When I first read Hobbes' take that life is "brutish and short" I recoiled at it. But time has proven that philosopher quite right. Our brightest and best moments are fleeting. Some opportunities won't knock twice. We are incapable of making perfect decisions. Others have their own reasons, hurts and distortions though which they view life.
Equally, life shimmers with a strange light as each new day dawns. Often, our worst nightmares don't materialize. Strangers show us kindness. Hobbes got it half right then. There is Grace, there are miracles, there will be surprises.

Hope and Persistence grows within us when we realize that we can stand on Grace.

3. we make the defining choice of what to base our lives on
Everything can turn in so many ways. Change is always possible. A new trajectory or the old one with a wholly different outlook. We can choose trust, faith, rising up again. Or we can run, hide, cower, blame. We can be honest, brave, real or fake it.
We can turn to God and depend on Him or continue to try to make it on our own. The direction, colour, texture, and message of our lives emerges out of this most critical of all decisions.

Meaning and Purpose, Security and Generosity develops and impacts others as we continually renew our trust in God.


I still ask God sometimes, "just do something!".
And sometimes He asks me back, "what would you like to do about it?".

God still asks the best questions.


25 May 2016

you are the best parents for your child(ren): raising children to contribute

Do you feel like you need a break? Do you ever wonder if your children are wishing (or they may have told you) that they want a break?

Is breathlessness, sleeplessness, even a sense of pointlessness pervading our souls?

The last post on Beating Competition brought in this story from reader Kenneth:

"I grew up in a loving and close-knit family, with parents who cared deeply about my well-being and my future. I have two sisters, one a year younger than me, and another fourteen years younger. Growing up, I was always in competition with the first sister. My parents spurred us on by pitting us against each other in our grades, and it also didn't help that my sister was taller than me all the way until Junior College! 

Not only was I competing with my sister, I was competing with many of my classmates in school. Parents would share their children's test scores with one another, keeping track of everyone's performance. It stressed me out immensely, but in the end I achieved the consistent good results that my parents hoped for. So did my sister, who consistently did better than me each year! For me at least, it was almost entirely because of the competitive environment and the tireless pushing from my parents that I achieved the academic success of my youth. 

Fast forward many years - I was awarded an overseas scholarship and studied at a good university in the States. But after completing my bond of seven and a half years in a stable corporate environment, I resigned - with great relief...."
relief   rɪˈliːf/
  1.  noun. a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress.



We need relief when we feel held, strained, pressed: I am guessing that's too many of us. 


And relief comes when we dare to see it. Kenneth did.

This young man blessedly met, loved and married a beautiful lady and shares ~
"...the moment we got married, we realized the utter pointlessness of living a life in constant competition with man. Experiencing love convinced us that life was too precious to be spent chasing something that seemed to have little purpose beyond being a means to satisfy the dream of eventual happiness, something that we could already enjoy in our love for each other. And as we grew in our understanding of God's love for us, it made us even more bewildered about our previous desires to become richer, smarter, or better looking than the people around us.
So we have both left our "promising" careers behind, satisfied that we no longer have any desire for what they promised."


Thanks to Scotsman Adam Smith (died 1790), our economies are built on the basic premise that everything proceeds and is governed by self-interest and competition; that is, we act for our own gains and we improve what we do because we don't want to lose the ability to work/sell/buy...it is the survival of the fittest in economic terms - except - by now, we must come to realise that while he isn't totally wrong; competition favours those with resources to begin with.

One of Singapore's core values is meritocracy; and many of us are children of this wonderful value that has allowed us to become socially and economically mobile. But as a nation, we realise too that we no longer begin at the same starting line these days. While disparity and inequality has always existed, the gap is so large these days, it's as if we hark back to feudal days of dismal poverty versus extreme displays of wealth.

We were watching TV the other night and CNA ran two adverts back to back: India's Stolen Generation showed a young lady speaking of rape, images of children being herded while an activist declares that child disappearances are a daily occurrence. Immediately after that came an advertisement about a travel show, the hosts hamming it up and plying the good life. I muttered to my mighty teen, "this doesn't feel right", and she replied, "this is the world what".
As it had been a particularly hot day, we turned on the aircon - aware that we are living under the shadow of looming global crises that can no longer be sorted with simple measures.

Findings from other fields also highlight to us how interconnected and interdependent we really are. Certainly, instability that arises from disenchantment, anger, and a sense of futility upsets everyone - and is a key cause for religious radicalization.

When we scratch the surface, it's easy to see that our current systems predicates upon selfishness and greed -- and look where that has led us.



So perhaps it is time for a new paradigm; and it may not need to come from a thinker. It can come from us - who raise and shape the coming generations.


Let's hear the rest of Kenneth's story:
"I decided to join my wife in our small pottery business*, with a total family income of less than half my original individual salary. We have spend the past year creating works of ceramic art that are, although lacking in technical mastery, reflective of our new journey of faith and joy. As we share this journey with our pottery workshop participants, our lives present an alternative for their consideration. The local ceramics market is very small... but we plan our work to avoid  competition with fellow artists; instead seeing them as collaborators in the push for a more vibrant local art culture. We continue to study under Mr Lim Kim Hui, one of the established local potters in Singapore, because we admire his love for the art form and his willingness to share his vast experience with his students.

I'm only 34, and with only 8 years of working experience mainly in a competitive corporate environment ....  But what I know is that all the years of being a successful student and professional has never once delivered on its promise of happiness. But every ceramic vessel I have made; every moment I spend helping our workshop participants make theirs; every time I see the smile on my wife's face, gives me the kind of joy that no amount of academic, financial or material achievement can give."

 But it isn't easy, at all.

Just take the matter of household chores. I am guessing your kids are not jumping at the chance to do them, much notice things that need a little tidying, neatening, care....and take the initiative to do them?

Recently, I am troubled afresh that my children's lives revolve around themselves; specifically since school is so demanding. I have met so many parents who serve their children: chauffeuring, cooking, planning, studying alongside... the mantra is"the poor kids are so stressed already, they can't do anything else". This leads them to a lifestyle that basically revolves around them surviving a system and finding relief through entertainment and vacation.

It's all good if their hardwork pays off. But not all enjoy academic success. And do we really want our children's lives to be all about study (and resting from it)? Many of them find it rather pointless too!

I remember being told when I was young that doing well in school would bring us a better future. I wanted that better future. My parents were struggling to make ends meet. The entire family shared one wardrobe. Everything was scarce. A better future with more food, clothes, and options was good and needful. But today, what do our children aspire towards? Parents tell me they are raising children who want to become Youtube sensations!


I don't think we want our children to inherit a world marked by more strife.






Rather, we want them to learn to contribute, to collaborate, to problem-solve, to make a difference by using their gifts and pursuing their interests. We want them to be mission-al, not adrift. We want them to have hope, not feel and learn helplessness. We want them to study and shape the systems of society not extract what they can and leave others lagging behind. We want them to have friends, know laughter, and manage losses with an upbeat spirit.


We know it's a bitter life when we compete. So why foist it upon our children? And how will it turn around in the end? Will we be bitten by a system that indoctrinates us that each man must be for himself?

The ramifications go way beyond career choice - and - the decisions about the future are always made today.


2 boys find a way to rescue pup

Share your ideas:
How can we help our children not to fear the future, to be future-ready?
What changes must we make to help our children live with a more outward orientation, to see themselves as contributors and not mere consumers?
And, 3 anchors to hold us steady 


So much thanks & shout out to Kenneth & Huiwen {what a beautiful couple right?} 


must check out their amazing pottery here -} Asobi