You are the best parents for your children: parent differently in the New year

"You know what dad said to me over Christmas lunch?"

The dh looked at me somewhat surprised.

"He said if Abi's results are good, ask her to study Medicine".
"Haha, he's still at it after all these years?"

"I think you should study Medicine"

just one of thousands of Asian parent stereotypes online... help!

With 2017 round the corner, will we be after our kids for the same things? 

same bad habits we cannot stand
same attitude that irks us
same worries about their motivations and results (and future)
same concerns about their spiritual vitality
same old way of conversing and relating

O, we have the scars to prove it!

The last few years, I have felt a few rounds of serious exhaustion. I mean, being nice to our kids can take a lot! They don't always get it or respond to it the way we hope. But each time, I ask myself what truly matters. I realize that my exhaustion arises a lot out of focusing too much on outcomes and allowing discouragement to set in.

I have learnt how to battle better. I have learnt that there is something fundamental that fuels change: desperation.

How to get a really NEW year deals with it. But here is the special parents edition. You will be surprised that your children are desperate for change too (I mean, who doesn't want a happy family life?).

Before the New Year arrives, while you are busy putting away Christmas stuff, checking up tuition agencies, sorting our finances, looking at school supplies.... plan to set aside a few pockets of quiet times to parent differently next year.


Here are some prompts that have helped me over the years:

1. Begin with appreciation

Write each child's name down. Take deep breaths and pray to see how the child has been a gift to you. Detail their spark, gift, and talent. It doesn't have to fit some existing category like Junior Chef...more like, 'what about this child makes your heart smile'?
Give thanks.


2. Bolster the relationship
I nearly forgot how brief moments of intimate, personal affirmations count. When I get stressed, my tone of voice and content of words change dramatically. I find that I tend to nag or then sit down and try to reason. But my children want to connect with me. They do want to please me and make me proud, but somehow the motivation dips when they feel distant from me. Nagging pushes them away.
Children these days feel the tension of our world's divisiveness. They are more alone than ever with smaller families and a hectic pace of life. All those child suicides make me really wonder about why these children have so much emotional pain they cannot process with anyone.
In the end, don't we all want our children around us, happy family moments, and the savouring of milestones traversed together?
So after giving thanks for each of our children, think of ways you connect best with each one and schedule that in!

Connecting frequently allows me to do the next thing: champion their uniqueness.

3. Boost their spark
Consider how resistant or open you are to their uniqueness.
I will admit to agreeing with my FIL that Medicine is a great choice! But it isn't looking that way folks, despite her great memory and steady hands!
In fact, I have met more than a few young adults who have done what their parents want, and at some point, decide to pursue what they want. Some with no small amount of hurt and bitterness. Some fall along the wayside because the climb was way too steep.
So together with you, I have to learn how to encourage my children to pursue their self-knowing and exploration of their abilities and gifts. I have to learn how to tell my son that while gaming is a valid vocational option, it is not the same as playing games all day! I have to be alright with the fact that my children may not show distinct definitions that I can shape at age 11 or even 16, and that is okay! Some people will be generalists and (like their mom) love doing a slew of things! (there's some bit of accepting ourselves in there too).

It is important to recognise that contributing to the home is an important aspect of their spark! The home is the training ground for life, and the child who can tidy, serve and share is learning to bear responsibility, be considerate and exercise self-control. These are all wonderful qualities that are needed to be able to steward their unique gifting well.


4. Brag about them....haha, YES, but not on social media as much as to them.
Tell your children often what you notice about them, both their strengths and their weaknesses. Anchor it back to a solid theology of who they are in Christ, how they are Image-bearers.
I remember my son telling me he is lazy, stupid, slow... (you get the idea). I had to gently and persistently correct him that it is normal to struggle with temptations to be lazy. It happens in a diverse world that we will sometimes feel stupid. It is true what we are slow at some things. But the deeper truth is he is wonderfully and fearfully made, and a work in progress. I had to teach him that he can fight against the temptations and human tendencies. And I brag about his success to him!

Now go do the same exercise for yourself!

Affirm your own life, notice your uniqueness, plan to grow yourself and find those who can encourage you*

Have a NEW year fellow parents!

How about let's pray this (somewhat desperate) prayer together:

Dear God, 

it's us - parents, those you somehow feel we have what it takes to birth, raise and send out actual breathing, kicking, working animations of life. 

In 2017, help us do what we must do better. 

Help us be more rested in our hearts. 

Help us see our children the way you see them. 

Help us allow them to grow us. 

Help us grow a better relationship of mutual love, respect and support. 

Help us find You and worship You in our days and lives. 

Help us remember you are parenting us all. 

Thank you for your help!

Amen.

Related reads:
What links resolutions to solutions
An arc of goodness: insights from Jeremiah





*if my posts encourage you, get them in your email Inbox! 
Simply type your email into the space on the right: 'get this in your email'. 

How to get a really NEW year

First you have to be fed up. Yes, fed up with the old year, fed up enough to want things to be different.

What are you fed up with?

Have you had enough of worrying about what others think?
Are you done with spinning those wheels and not really sure if you are making progress?
Do you so dread the state of your relationships that you are wishing up ways to avoid the people?

Sometimes we think that being fed up is a sign of weakness or that we are being plain ungrateful. Well, we all have areas of weakness and we may well be ungrateful. It may be that your weaknesses (a lack of discipline or self-control) contribute to the state of things. Certainly being grateful cures us of many ills so we don't live in chronic discontentment. But being fed up is different. It is a sign.


The thing is when we feel fed up, we tend to blame it on others. This will only ensure we never get a New year because we have absolutely no power to change others.

So, the difficult and necessary thing to do is to ask:

a. How would I like things to be?b. What am I doing that is keeping things from being the way I want them to be?

The parent who wants the eighteen year old to grow up but continues to dole out pocket money, calls to ensure there is lunch, tidies the room for him, will stay fed up.


When we are fed up, we are also tired. Our resources have run out. We will begin to go through the motions. We will start to numb. We may even resort to forms of escapism. The length of time spent in gossip, playing online games, over-eating or under-eating. We may even do things we would not normally do, like visit a casino or seek out titillating experiences when prodded on by others.

As 2016 begins to fold over and a new page is waiting to be written, take some time to slow down and consider how things are in your life.

This is why Advent is such a powerful practice. It slows us down and turns us towards deeper concerns in life. It is inevitable that Christmas will get busy. But Advent observation has already primed us so that a few hours or a day given to reflect and prepare for the new year will really help usher in a year open and ready for newness.

Today, mark out a few time periods when you can sit and pray, think, and plan for the New Year.

These questions will help:

a. How would I like things to be? [list each area of your life]

b. What am I doing that is keeping things from being the way I want them to be? [is it fear that people won't respond? Do you want to at least have tried or give up on what you value?]

c. Where is my energy level now?

d. What saps me most and what refuels me?

These simple but powerful questions will surface what is deep within you. Your longings, your anxieties, your life management. When we are dissatisfied or struggle with ongoing issues, we will grow tired and that in turns reduces our resilience and perseverance. It's a downward spiral.

All of us live with some degree of illusion. We have this ideal we hold ourselves and others to. Even if they are godly ideals, they can end up holding us hostage if we learn how to mature from where we are to where we believe and want to be.  

All of us want to be more loving. But the journey of maturation into being a person who genuinely loves others is different for each of us. If we hold on to an illusory ideal where we congratulate ourselves one day and condemn ourselves the next, we won't actually grow. A swing moves alright, but it doesn't actually lead to a real change in location.

Philippe Malouin, Milan

Real change that comes through maturation is a gift of God, and God loves 'upcycling' - the process of using available material to craft new, beautiful and useful creations.

All you need for the New Year is within you.

The stronger marriage between your parents.
The lighter and more caring atmosphere at home.
The community of faithful friends.
The steadier, closer walk with God.
That organised kitchen/desk/wardrobe.
The commitment and joy of meaningful work.
The loosening of bonds that hold others in poverty and oppression.

Your dreams and longings. Your hopes and aspirations. Your wild ideas. They may be held back because you are not taking them seriously enough, allowing your fears to stall you. They may be held back because you have not rested, eaten, exercised well so that you are alert and energetic.


May you experience a New year my friends as you brave it and seek answers to the questions.

"Praise be to the LORD, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens'  ~ Psalm 68v19

A letter from a 50 yr-old to my Ma and Pa

Began Friday, 1 July 2016
1:53 PM

Dear Mother and Father, I will turn fifty at the end of this year. Considering that the earth may be 6000 years old, fifty is pretty old - just take a few zeroes away!

I so wish you both are around with me; living together in good health, mutual respect and easy love.

Of course this is an idealized state - except for the mutual respect which we clearly had -  and even that required a lot out of us.

Mother and my firstborn. Every grandchild knew your love.

I remember grumbling so much about you Father: that you did not have a job title I could report to my school teachers with pride. While my classmate rattled off 'driver, manager, hawker'; I had no clue what it was you actually did. That in turn triggered off memories of times when Mother would say quietly, "just tell the teacher I will pay her next week" , I wondered if you did anything for us. What was obvious were the Toto receipts, the smoking, and the long stretches of time you weren't at home. 

But of course, I was only just figuring out about life as a kid.

No one, absolutely makes pigs' tongue soup like you did. I can still taste it; clearly some fireworks went off in my brain the few times you ladled it out for us. The pasty combination of soy, onions and melt-in-your-mouth potatoes and the chewy bits of meat (I ate unquestioningly and avoided the unfamiliar looking bits with the gristly surface, but knowing it was tongue did not deter me in the slightest for I had been won over by the aroma and the taste!),

In my teens, my self-righteous indignation ruled me with a ferocity and I persuaded, scolded, debated and gave you the cold shoulder for the many imperfections I saw in you.

It would be a few years of such suffering for you before your daughter grew up more to realise that you have a personal story that may account for the person you are; and to develop a compassion and curiosity to know about it, and so treat you as a person and not just someone who owed me proper fatherhood.

Mutual respect took us a long time. But I am glad we reached that shore.

Probably out of convention, I asked you to all the most important occasions of my life: my baptism, graduation, and my first public sermon. Convention has its place for sure; because your presence normalised us - I now have regular photos with parents - and for sure, we are both glad for it.

We did grow to respect and like each other. If there is anything I feel sad about now; it is that you did not get to walk me down the aisle and blossom into the amazing Grandfather I am sure you would. My children will never get to hear you tell your lame jokes, play the accordion, and watch your favourite Hindi movies and follow every episode of whatever David Attenbrough was up to ( I was shocked one time when I heard the august commentator's voice and instantly recognised it). And of course, that soup.

I wonder if you tell stories about us in heaven.

One thing we felt sure would happen in heaven. In fact one of us dreamt about it even. It was that when Mom arrived, you were thrilled to bits but she ignored you, like she did on earth.

Mother, you are a wondrous mystery to me. You weren't perfect for sure, and you often lacked the wisdom to guide us as the world spun crazily fast in the decades of immense change. You had no words for what to study, who to date or marry, what to do for a living. 

You did better than that. You showed us that learning is something we can all do. You did not get to start school because the war broke out, but you did not shrink from learning: going out to work, basic English conversation,  singing, crochet, reading your Chinese Bible, swimming, using the ATM, traveling, cooking new dishes, dancing… Your life demonstrated the meaning of the word 'possibility'  for us. What a precious gift. We knew we could suggest anything to you and never feel put down.

When we felt like quitting, you wouldn't let us. Opportunities don't come easy. While you never pushed us in any direction; you showed us that some things are worth every sacrifice, and that effort is what counts. Your fierce commitment to the family, your pride, your core values are the lights for a family that had little and could have turned out very differently. You took illness, nasty relatives, work injustices, hunger, lack, all in your stride. Never once did I hear you whine, complain your lot or blame others, except the glaring frustration you had with the government when you applied for public housing. If it had to be done, you saw to it that it was.

You stayed up long nights to twirl old calendar pages into beads and strung them so we could have some beauty in the home.  At night, as we lay together like sardines on floor mats, you sang us the silly song about the boats at Clifford Pier that 'fell down' and ate dog shit. I never got to ask you where that came from. You did everything you knew to ensure the family would be provided for: cooking and selling fried noodles at dawn to folks making their way to work, operating a Tontine, going out to work at the hospital despite your aversion to it (just take the job that comes), joining an MLM briefly….and always, bringing whatever donation cards schools required of us to help us get it all filled out.

I dig not know it then although I certainly felt it - mothers have a way of being pervasive in their influence.

You grew up without a father, and your own Mother was a compulsive gambler. As a daughter, your future would be marriage. In the meantime, your older Brother must be cared for, and supported through school; so from an early age, your life was turned outwards to solve problems and care for others. You survived the war after being recruited to work in the soldier's mess, and your diligence sometimes paid off with a few sweet potatoes above the rice they paid you with. You figured out how to make a quick buck by selling theatre tickets at black market prices.

But when it came to your own life, you did not take charge as you had for others. Your mother took a liking to Father, in part because they were both gamblers and had good chats over their games. So despite your own conviction about the evils of gambling, you acquiesced and married Father - and stayed faithful to him all the long and hard years.

 We are a bundle of contradictions aren't we?


I am not sure why, Mother and Father; but I really want you to be proud of me.  I want you to know that your pain, suffering, sacrifices have meant something.

It feels unfair to me that only as a young adult, when I was beginning to take the effort to understand and truly appreciate the contours of your lives; that my life became so full of my dreams and commitments, that although our conversations and interactions could be so rich; they often stayed mundane and thin. That when the roles were reversing and I was meant to take charge, I was too absorbed with my world. I did not neglect you per se, but there is so much I want to say to you and do for you still.

And then, you left suddenly, painfully, and alone.

Some things in life just cannot be managed: the heart attack, the car accident.

Father, we could go bargain hunting together. I now see the value and fun in it.
Mother, where else did you want to travel to - for once - not in order to visit one of us?

I don't know how you two did it. In your authentic and courageous lives, I witnessed and received Providence, Grace, and Mercy. Through your refusal to give up on life, I have a legacy of resilience and optimism.

Fifty years feels a long time. You were more than half of it; and I am going to make sure you will always be a part of whatever remains….until we meet again. Then, let's read this letter together.

Love,
Jenni Popo