You are the best parents for your child(ren): helping your teen know her values

What if our children lose it?

So apparently, there was this Clothes-Swap Challenge - is this fun or is this off-colour?

All parents get jumpy as we watch our once cherubic little ones grow and sometimes, morph into total strangers. We cling to what is familiar and dread being greeted by more surprises of the unpleasant kind.

The reality of how much our children's lives are informed and shaped by forces beyond us frightens us. They are digital natives who seem to draw their lifeblood from Snapchat, Instagram, and online news which we know is mostly sensational balderdash.

Friends become more important.
Dress sense starts to get expensive, weird, minimalist (as in too little coverage).
Words get haughty.
Patience wears thin.
"We don't get it", they sigh.

What if they lose it?

Signs of waning interest in spiritual matters.
Loss of motivation towards school performance.
Pre-mature romance (and gasp, pregnancy)

Why are we anxious?

We believe some things are right while others are wrong.
We understand some things must come before others.
We experience that compensation and reward do not come to those who idle.
In other words, we have life values.

value = something (a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable

We can provide a haven
We can impart wisdom
We can insist on habits
We can corral behaviour
We can bequeath material wealth
But, we cannot, simply, download values.

Values are by nature a product of time and experience.

This is where middle class, Christian homes, sometimes don't foster deep, strong, abiding values in our children.

What do we fill our time with?
What sorts of experiences do our children grow up with?

Often, the middle class home is one where success, routines and respectability typically rule. Our kids rarely know hunger. We are there to ferry them around. Problems are anticipated and resolved without much struggle on their part. They are mostly taught and trained to behave and believe to conform to our image of a decent, good, even Christian family. We try to be proper Christians who go to church and do what's right. In Asia, there is often an additional subtle layer known as 'face' or 'honour'. We go about all this sincerely and with earnest.

But this means not ruffling too many feathers. Or taking much risk. Or suffering any real pain.

A whole 'nother world from the world I grew up in. Cursory notes with other parents confirm this to be true. We all recall experiences where we have no choice but to figure out what matters and what we would stick our neck out for.

I would not like to visit my growing up style on my children. My parents received little formal education and their lives were bound up with making ends meet. I literally had to figure life out, I made my own choices of school, friends, whether I should buy an item or eat a meal, what it means to be a young woman, a Christian, a leader.

I have met a good variety of young adults who have emerged from our middle-class families.

Some have lost faith in faith and are glad to move on from a family culture they consider too narrow and limiting.
Some have finally been given permission to make personal choices, like this young woman who after five years in medical school, intends to do something totally different. Medical school was for the parents.
Some struggle with a clear sense of self, as growth necessarily means emerging selfhood, but strong parents have made the journey of assertion too painful to embark on. 

We have sad, mad and fearful young adults. (Of course, we have many wonderful ones too).

It is not their fault that our children are growing up in a different, more privileged world. But how they fare in the large world out there begins with the world we create for them in our homes and family life.

My mighty teen is entering young adulthood in a few years. She is aware of her weaknesses and is honest with her faith struggles. She turns to us for answers. It is all too easy to offer answers. We even work at listening real hard, built on the hard-won bond of many years of parental love and involvement. But then I notice something. She is agreeing to what I say, but it is not settling into her being. Some questions re-surface. The verbal assent is not matched by behaviour. The values are not solidifying.
So the inner chaos that is churning bubbles over now and then. If we are not careful, we can put a lid on it all too soon.

We also tend to use large ideas like, 'developing our identity', 'grow to be like Christ' which can be way too vague for them.

How can we help them to cultivate grater self- awareness, coach them in their choices, and help them to develop and test our their values?

As the Search Institute's Developmental Framework puts it succinctly,

Chaos + support = change

Support here is not about providing answers, rescue or planning ahead for them. It is getting down in the trenches with them. They have to do life and know it is something they can do.

The window we have for this varies from child to child, but typically begin around 14-16 and pretty much goes on for the rest of their lives. Even we have to keep figuring our values out as new experiences come our way (is retirement biblical? do we live with our elderly parents etc. So we need support too, but that's a different topic.).

How can we give the kind of support that shapes chaos into form and a framework for living strong and faithful? As I thought about my experience as a youth leader, a pastor and of course a a parent, I think the form of support needed is to help them realize and grow muscles of values that will help them navigate life. The key to this is Dialogue.

Here are some opportunities for dialogue:

a) Value development with real scenarios
No umbrella?
Did not top up ezlink?
Not packing for camp according to the list given by the school?
A fall-out with a buddy?

Scenarios can unfold or come to our attention after everything has blown up. They are great for asking qustions such as:

Why did you choose to/not to...
What is important to you about this...
How are you feeling now...

not questions like:

How can you forget
Did you ...again
You are so...

I admit to being totally guilty at using many of the latter kinds of questions and statements which label and describe rather than invite and open up the conversation.


b) Value development with anticipated scenarios
From topics they bring up, to new articles, to impending situations of concern, we can help our teens figure out their values. This takes some stomach because they can say startling things. Many of them for example are extremely sympathetic towards their friends and in a post-modern milieu would excuse everything 'as long as it makes them happy'.

It takes patience and a readiness to remain open-ended. If you emphatically say that something is wrong because 'the Bible says so', it may not work very well.

A personal and thoughtful sharing about your values for such situations is far more helpful.


c) Value development with Scripture
The stories in the Bible make for great discussion. What if David decided that Goliath is too huge a challenge? What if Jonah decides to lay down and die inside the fish? It's poignant to point out how these characters made their choices. Even the New Testament injunctions should be talked about. Isn't it creepy to 'rejoice always'? Where is the place for sadness, in the very real world of a teen's mood swings? Bring in the research and evidence that proves that Scripture is describing and prescribing a life that is lived well.

Connecting all-too familiar Scripture with real life is what they need. I once told my mighty teen, "I know you know all the stories, but you have yet to know the point of the stories in a deep way. Even I am learning....".

Share what Scriptures help anchor your priorities and choices.


d) Value development with a mentor
I wish that all teens and young adults could have a mentor, someone who's a mere generation away and feels more 'like them'. Blessed are the kids who have such mentors. But don't despair yet. Books, good sermons and even great music can be very able mentors. You just need to find them (some links at the end).

All relationships are characterized by a dynamic give and take that shapes who we are as we grow and change. As parents, we struggle too with our own values. A real faith, middle, lower or upper class calls for an authentic discussion of our struggles.


Values are a product of time and experience.

What are our family times about, and what experiences are we willing to explore and engage in as Christian parents?

It's never too late to start with small steps. Brave it. And if it feels late, remember, it's never late with God. He is not bound by time and His boundless Love has a way, always.

Here, some mentoring resources I hope you find useful.

Online:
Gals ~
 More To Be
Set Apart Girl

Guys~
Ransomed Heart
Braveheart
Bravehearted Christian

Both ~
Family Life - passport to purity/identity
Growing Leaders

In Singapore (not exhaustive):
Touch
Cornerstone

God wants to move you. From guilt to grace, 'should' to 'want', and anger to joy.

Freedom is not as straightfoward as it seems.

We are completely fooled to think that it equates being able to do whatever we fancy, with no one to gainsay us. That kind of freedom doesn't even exist, for we are our own worst critics. In fact, while the expectations of others can be a real burden and even nuisance, in the end, what bogs us down is our own inner voice that says

not enough
not good enough
surely you can do better

There is a place for improvement. But to improve out of a commitment to grow your ability is different from the need to improve toward some mark that keeps shifting. Some investigative CSI work is called for here as to why the mark keeps shifting. More on that later.

Every holiday, media will be rife with posts about the myriad of expectations and how not to be cobbled by them:

. how to handle pokey relatives, especially if you are still single
. order takeout of every dish imaginable, no need to stress over cooking
. responding to comments about your home/health/wealth (or lack thereof)

All of it coming at us and corroborated by our own compulsions, we find ourselves easily tripped by a sense of guilt and strained by a long list of 'shoulds' as women, wives, mothers, girlfriends, leaders. Inevitably this leads to an accumulation of anger. We get angry at ourselves for making inadequate progress. We become easily angry at those who seem to hinder our progress (be it keeping to schedule or reaching some objective). We may as well be angry with God (and we are too polite to admit it, or too afraid to).

God meanwhile, has both tried to redirect us as well as allow us to learn by becoming fed-up with being stuck in the mud.

Pause and think. 

Was there a re-direction from God when he allowed you to mess up...again? Could he be showing you that you need to do some things differently?

Are you really exhausted? You know you cannot continue like this.

How do we move from guilt to Grace and from 'should' to 'want'?


Now for the CSI:

C - consider your motive.
Our motives make a huge difference to what we do and the way we do it. Ask yourself Why you are doing something? Is it motivated by love, fear or obligation? Whether it is taking up a role, parenting, planning something, our speech, even our prayers, motivations stand behind them all.
God reveals to us that the only motivation that makes a difference is love. Do something (for someone) out of love.
Some of us are so beat up in life that even loving someone or something is hazy to us. It has become so difficult to really be responsible and take charge. I can think of only one answer. Start. Life will never happen if we refuse to live, and to love.
Don't do things out of guilt. If you are a mature adult, don't even do things because you should.

S- study your patterns
Do you tend to say 'yes' very quickly? Do you find yourself overloaded? Do you find yourself shying away? Do you yo-yo up and down, or do you tend to worry that something is waiting to go horribly wrong?
Our patterns have a lot to tell us. They are great indicators of what we fear as well as what we hope for. Identify your patterns and pray for the insight to disrupt them.

I- investigate your roots
If you find it hard to break out of a pattern, it is being fed by a deeper root. It is time to see a pastor or a counselor who may be able to help you identify and uproot the issue at its source.

So much of what adults struggle with have roots in childhood.

I do not advocate excessive self-analysis and digging around in your past. Our memories are hazy and our hearts can be extremely vulnerable. Yet, if there are nagging issues, it is very likely that although you are now an adult, in some areas, you have remained a child, and feel powerless to change.


Freedom is when we realised how much we are carried by Grace, that we can make strong, even sacrificial choices because we want to - obey God, lift others up, use our competencies - not because we have to.

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. ~ Galatians 5v13, The Message

Someone share recently that when she had to take in her father-in-law, her older brother reminded her, "don't do it out of duty, do it out of love".

 I think it takes us time to figure out what we are willing to do for others, even our loved ones.

We all secretly fear the worst of things would happen to those around us and we have to upheaval our lifestyles in order to care for them. Rather than wish it away, we may do better to question our hearts and ready them for deeper ways of love.


From Anger to Joy
The simplest and most powerful way to understand anger is that it arises when we feel that our way is blocked (just think drivers that get cut by another). Anger gives way to joy if our life circumstances become what we want. This is a tall order requiring major resistance and reformation!

...God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you ~ Romans 12v1-2, The Message

It is the slow work of building a new scaffold for our lives to hang upon that shapes up differently over time. 

By exposing our patterns, healing our roots and confessing our lack of love, we turn to God for Grace and begin to experience it as a present reality and a powerful force in our lives. In time, we begin to stand on Grace as it solidifies in our lives and find that we are no longer flimsy selves leaning this way and that, racked by guilt, pressure and anger.

This is Good News.

You are the best parents for your children: parent differently in the New year

"You know what dad said to me over Christmas lunch?"

The dh looked at me somewhat surprised.

"He said if Abi's results are good, ask her to study Medicine".
"Haha, he's still at it after all these years?"

"I think you should study Medicine"

just one of thousands of Asian parent stereotypes online... help!

With 2017 round the corner, will we be after our kids for the same things? 

same bad habits we cannot stand
same attitude that irks us
same worries about their motivations and results (and future)
same concerns about their spiritual vitality
same old way of conversing and relating

O, we have the scars to prove it!

The last few years, I have felt a few rounds of serious exhaustion. I mean, being nice to our kids can take a lot! They don't always get it or respond to it the way we hope. But each time, I ask myself what truly matters. I realize that my exhaustion arises a lot out of focusing too much on outcomes and allowing discouragement to set in.

I have learnt how to battle better. I have learnt that there is something fundamental that fuels change: desperation.

How to get a really NEW year deals with it. But here is the special parents edition. You will be surprised that your children are desperate for change too (I mean, who doesn't want a happy family life?).

Before the New Year arrives, while you are busy putting away Christmas stuff, checking up tuition agencies, sorting our finances, looking at school supplies.... plan to set aside a few pockets of quiet times to parent differently next year.


Here are some prompts that have helped me over the years:

1. Begin with appreciation

Write each child's name down. Take deep breaths and pray to see how the child has been a gift to you. Detail their spark, gift, and talent. It doesn't have to fit some existing category like Junior Chef...more like, 'what about this child makes your heart smile'?
Give thanks.


2. Bolster the relationship
I nearly forgot how brief moments of intimate, personal affirmations count. When I get stressed, my tone of voice and content of words change dramatically. I find that I tend to nag or then sit down and try to reason. But my children want to connect with me. They do want to please me and make me proud, but somehow the motivation dips when they feel distant from me. Nagging pushes them away.
Children these days feel the tension of our world's divisiveness. They are more alone than ever with smaller families and a hectic pace of life. All those child suicides make me really wonder about why these children have so much emotional pain they cannot process with anyone.
In the end, don't we all want our children around us, happy family moments, and the savouring of milestones traversed together?
So after giving thanks for each of our children, think of ways you connect best with each one and schedule that in!

Connecting frequently allows me to do the next thing: champion their uniqueness.

3. Boost their spark
Consider how resistant or open you are to their uniqueness.
I will admit to agreeing with my FIL that Medicine is a great choice! But it isn't looking that way folks, despite her great memory and steady hands!
In fact, I have met more than a few young adults who have done what their parents want, and at some point, decide to pursue what they want. Some with no small amount of hurt and bitterness. Some fall along the wayside because the climb was way too steep.
So together with you, I have to learn how to encourage my children to pursue their self-knowing and exploration of their abilities and gifts. I have to learn how to tell my son that while gaming is a valid vocational option, it is not the same as playing games all day! I have to be alright with the fact that my children may not show distinct definitions that I can shape at age 11 or even 16, and that is okay! Some people will be generalists and (like their mom) love doing a slew of things! (there's some bit of accepting ourselves in there too).

It is important to recognise that contributing to the home is an important aspect of their spark! The home is the training ground for life, and the child who can tidy, serve and share is learning to bear responsibility, be considerate and exercise self-control. These are all wonderful qualities that are needed to be able to steward their unique gifting well.


4. Brag about them....haha, YES, but not on social media as much as to them.
Tell your children often what you notice about them, both their strengths and their weaknesses. Anchor it back to a solid theology of who they are in Christ, how they are Image-bearers.
I remember my son telling me he is lazy, stupid, slow... (you get the idea). I had to gently and persistently correct him that it is normal to struggle with temptations to be lazy. It happens in a diverse world that we will sometimes feel stupid. It is true what we are slow at some things. But the deeper truth is he is wonderfully and fearfully made, and a work in progress. I had to teach him that he can fight against the temptations and human tendencies. And I brag about his success to him!

Now go do the same exercise for yourself!

Affirm your own life, notice your uniqueness, plan to grow yourself and find those who can encourage you*

Have a NEW year fellow parents!

How about let's pray this (somewhat desperate) prayer together:

Dear God, 

it's us - parents, those you somehow feel we have what it takes to birth, raise and send out actual breathing, kicking, working animations of life. 

In 2017, help us do what we must do better. 

Help us be more rested in our hearts. 

Help us see our children the way you see them. 

Help us allow them to grow us. 

Help us grow a better relationship of mutual love, respect and support. 

Help us find You and worship You in our days and lives. 

Help us remember you are parenting us all. 

Thank you for your help!

Amen.

Related reads:
What links resolutions to solutions
An arc of goodness: insights from Jeremiah





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