And Adam knew Eve...a Valentine's special

A teen asked me, "aren't most people happily married?".

How would you answer that?

When we see pictures of fine dining, a couple dressed, smiling, a rose or a bouquet... our hearts murmur longing while our minds may race towards a combination of being happy/wondering if it's worth it/being skeptical.

Maybe it's my melancholy bent. Maybe it's my realist edge. "Happily married" does not cut it for me. But far be it that I would go through the days just glad to indicate 'married' under the status section of any form!


What does "happily married" mean to you?


Happiness is such a shallow enterprise these days and equally a rare commodity. It's so hard to find a happy person, much less, a happy couple! What do we do?


First of, I do not recommend ignoring an opportunity to celebrate love. Go have a date, do. Just remember that when the familiar infelicity visits, be bigger than it.

My spouse and I are so different that we are often impatient with each other, and that's a nasty habit. With his innate problem-solving bent, he sought for years to figure me out, till he threw his hands up in despair. With a flash of insight, he had said, "this is not possible, you are the rib that isn't a part of me anymore". As the woman who longs to be safe and cherished, there are a thousand ways he can communicate just the opposite. So we have had some very dark days and moments.


The problem wasn't all of our differences. The problem is that we were made for Joy. You and I, imago Dei, in the image of a God who sings and dances, who created the playful otter and that ridiculous owl that winks. The problem is that we have walked so far from Eden that Joy is hard for us to believe, to see, to experience.

Consider how astounding and subversive this is. This Joy deal. The world's happiness hangs on good times, wealth, and a fuss-free existence including great sex. All of it fragile stuff.


In 2015, I went on a retreat. As usual I brought my knapsack of many questions, not a few to do with my marriage. School and society, largely shaped by men, have also trained me to seek solutions.

God took me on a slow, restful time to lead me to one word: mystery.

Now mystery is a word that sets us off on a hunt for clues and rescue. Not this time. God is mystery, the great Reformers taught that, after positing a entire system for salvation. Perhaps, made in His image, we too are mystery.

The word settled upon my soul like a comforter. I felt a palpable rest to know that if I could not figure out myself, I am being human, which is to be loved by God, not categorised and 'resolved'.  You can do all the personality tests, gift tests, 360 degree review...but you will always be larger and still remain mysterious.

In fact, being loved and known by God is the foundation of a life that is set free. We are free from always exacting so much from ourselves, berating ourselves for not being at our best, striving endlessly to be improved versions of ourselves. We can then free others from the same.

God will reveal who I am to me, in the most loving way.

So I come to Adam and Eve, the first pair. Their mystery as persons and as a couple is captured in a tiny word yada. The Hebrew root is maleable and the word has multiple possible meanings, which the NKJV translates as 'know'. Look at all the ways to know:

: learn to know, perceive, find out and discern, distinguish, recognise, consider

The word is used for Adam and Eve in Genesis to refer to their consummation resulting in offspring. It is used for God and His people in the context of Covenant. It is used in personal reflection. It is a powerful little word that brings change. You can both seek to know, and be willing to be known.

We can describe our spouses by their traits, work, habits and quirks. But yada calls us to an ongoing journey of discovery, where we are willing to see and reverence the mystery of the other person's life, and offer our own.

Can you smell Joy in this?

Any relationship that is defined once for all begins to die. We have made a huge mistake selling out to the idea that marriage does that. Marriage does not define us. It is giving us the chance to be free from all the definitions imposed by self or others.

I know it's hard. People love figuring us out. We love the affirmations and the sense of security it gives. 

I know it's hard. With each rising sun, we have a thousand things to attend to and a treadmill to mount, to put food on table and send the kids to school etc. 

I know it's hard. We are often bone weary and emotionally spent. 

The getting-on-with-life interferes with Life.

So this is what I recommend for Valentine's (and don't mind the date if you are late). Go on the Threesome with God. Do something that makes each person feel Life coming back. Say ridiculous things. Share your soul (and don't get upset if the other person doesn't quite get it). Pray.

Valentine's, is like a Sabbath for your love. Rest it from all the toil of making it work. Have some yada ידע - and may the God of Love visit your Sabbath and bring it rest, the prelude to Joy.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): helping your teen know her values

What if our children lose it?

So apparently, there was this Clothes-Swap Challenge - is this fun or is this off-colour?

All parents get jumpy as we watch our once cherubic little ones grow and sometimes, morph into total strangers. We cling to what is familiar and dread being greeted by more surprises of the unpleasant kind.

The reality of how much our children's lives are informed and shaped by forces beyond us frightens us. They are digital natives who seem to draw their lifeblood from Snapchat, Instagram, and online news which we know is mostly sensational balderdash.

Friends become more important.
Dress sense starts to get expensive, weird, minimalist (as in too little coverage).
Words get haughty.
Patience wears thin.
"We don't get it", they sigh.

What if they lose it?

Signs of waning interest in spiritual matters.
Loss of motivation towards school performance.
Pre-mature romance (and gasp, pregnancy)

Why are we anxious?

We believe some things are right while others are wrong.
We understand some things must come before others.
We experience that compensation and reward do not come to those who idle.
In other words, we have life values.

value = something (a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable

We can provide a haven
We can impart wisdom
We can insist on habits
We can corral behaviour
We can bequeath material wealth
But, we cannot, simply, download values.

Values are by nature a product of time and experience.

This is where middle class, Christian homes, sometimes don't foster deep, strong, abiding values in our children.

What do we fill our time with?
What sorts of experiences do our children grow up with?

Often, the middle class home is one where success, routines and respectability typically rule. Our kids rarely know hunger. We are there to ferry them around. Problems are anticipated and resolved without much struggle on their part. They are mostly taught and trained to behave and believe to conform to our image of a decent, good, even Christian family. We try to be proper Christians who go to church and do what's right. In Asia, there is often an additional subtle layer known as 'face' or 'honour'. We go about all this sincerely and with earnest.

But this means not ruffling too many feathers. Or taking much risk. Or suffering any real pain.

A whole 'nother world from the world I grew up in. Cursory notes with other parents confirm this to be true. We all recall experiences where we have no choice but to figure out what matters and what we would stick our neck out for.

I would not like to visit my growing up style on my children. My parents received little formal education and their lives were bound up with making ends meet. I literally had to figure life out, I made my own choices of school, friends, whether I should buy an item or eat a meal, what it means to be a young woman, a Christian, a leader.

I have met a good variety of young adults who have emerged from our middle-class families.

Some have lost faith in faith and are glad to move on from a family culture they consider too narrow and limiting.
Some have finally been given permission to make personal choices, like this young woman who after five years in medical school, intends to do something totally different. Medical school was for the parents.
Some struggle with a clear sense of self, as growth necessarily means emerging selfhood, but strong parents have made the journey of assertion too painful to embark on. 

We have sad, mad and fearful young adults. (Of course, we have many wonderful ones too).

It is not their fault that our children are growing up in a different, more privileged world. But how they fare in the large world out there begins with the world we create for them in our homes and family life.

My mighty teen is entering young adulthood in a few years. She is aware of her weaknesses and is honest with her faith struggles. She turns to us for answers. It is all too easy to offer answers. We even work at listening real hard, built on the hard-won bond of many years of parental love and involvement. But then I notice something. She is agreeing to what I say, but it is not settling into her being. Some questions re-surface. The verbal assent is not matched by behaviour. The values are not solidifying.
So the inner chaos that is churning bubbles over now and then. If we are not careful, we can put a lid on it all too soon.

We also tend to use large ideas like, 'developing our identity', 'grow to be like Christ' which can be way too vague for them.

How can we help them to cultivate grater self- awareness, coach them in their choices, and help them to develop and test our their values?

As the Search Institute's Developmental Framework puts it succinctly,

Chaos + support = change

Support here is not about providing answers, rescue or planning ahead for them. It is getting down in the trenches with them. They have to do life and know it is something they can do.

The window we have for this varies from child to child, but typically begin around 14-16 and pretty much goes on for the rest of their lives. Even we have to keep figuring our values out as new experiences come our way (is retirement biblical? do we live with our elderly parents etc. So we need support too, but that's a different topic.).

How can we give the kind of support that shapes chaos into form and a framework for living strong and faithful? As I thought about my experience as a youth leader, a pastor and of course a a parent, I think the form of support needed is to help them realize and grow muscles of values that will help them navigate life. The key to this is Dialogue.

Here are some opportunities for dialogue:

a) Value development with real scenarios
No umbrella?
Did not top up ezlink?
Not packing for camp according to the list given by the school?
A fall-out with a buddy?

Scenarios can unfold or come to our attention after everything has blown up. They are great for asking qustions such as:

Why did you choose to/not to...
What is important to you about this...
How are you feeling now...

not questions like:

How can you forget
Did you ...again
You are so...

I admit to being totally guilty at using many of the latter kinds of questions and statements which label and describe rather than invite and open up the conversation.


b) Value development with anticipated scenarios
From topics they bring up, to new articles, to impending situations of concern, we can help our teens figure out their values. This takes some stomach because they can say startling things. Many of them for example are extremely sympathetic towards their friends and in a post-modern milieu would excuse everything 'as long as it makes them happy'.

It takes patience and a readiness to remain open-ended. If you emphatically say that something is wrong because 'the Bible says so', it may not work very well.

A personal and thoughtful sharing about your values for such situations is far more helpful.


c) Value development with Scripture
The stories in the Bible make for great discussion. What if David decided that Goliath is too huge a challenge? What if Jonah decides to lay down and die inside the fish? It's poignant to point out how these characters made their choices. Even the New Testament injunctions should be talked about. Isn't it creepy to 'rejoice always'? Where is the place for sadness, in the very real world of a teen's mood swings? Bring in the research and evidence that proves that Scripture is describing and prescribing a life that is lived well.

Connecting all-too familiar Scripture with real life is what they need. I once told my mighty teen, "I know you know all the stories, but you have yet to know the point of the stories in a deep way. Even I am learning....".

Share what Scriptures help anchor your priorities and choices.


d) Value development with a mentor
I wish that all teens and young adults could have a mentor, someone who's a mere generation away and feels more 'like them'. Blessed are the kids who have such mentors. But don't despair yet. Books, good sermons and even great music can be very able mentors. You just need to find them (some links at the end).

All relationships are characterized by a dynamic give and take that shapes who we are as we grow and change. As parents, we struggle too with our own values. A real faith, middle, lower or upper class calls for an authentic discussion of our struggles.


Values are a product of time and experience.

What are our family times about, and what experiences are we willing to explore and engage in as Christian parents?

It's never too late to start with small steps. Brave it. And if it feels late, remember, it's never late with God. He is not bound by time and His boundless Love has a way, always.

Here, some mentoring resources I hope you find useful.

Online:
Gals ~
 More To Be
Set Apart Girl

Guys~
Ransomed Heart
Braveheart
Bravehearted Christian

Both ~
Family Life - passport to purity/identity
Growing Leaders

In Singapore (not exhaustive):
Touch
Cornerstone

God wants to move you. From guilt to grace, 'should' to 'want', and anger to joy.

Freedom is not as straightfoward as it seems.

We are completely fooled to think that it equates being able to do whatever we fancy, with no one to gainsay us. That kind of freedom doesn't even exist, for we are our own worst critics. In fact, while the expectations of others can be a real burden and even nuisance, in the end, what bogs us down is our own inner voice that says

not enough
not good enough
surely you can do better

There is a place for improvement. But to improve out of a commitment to grow your ability is different from the need to improve toward some mark that keeps shifting. Some investigative CSI work is called for here as to why the mark keeps shifting. More on that later.

Every holiday, media will be rife with posts about the myriad of expectations and how not to be cobbled by them:

. how to handle pokey relatives, especially if you are still single
. order takeout of every dish imaginable, no need to stress over cooking
. responding to comments about your home/health/wealth (or lack thereof)

All of it coming at us and corroborated by our own compulsions, we find ourselves easily tripped by a sense of guilt and strained by a long list of 'shoulds' as women, wives, mothers, girlfriends, leaders. Inevitably this leads to an accumulation of anger. We get angry at ourselves for making inadequate progress. We become easily angry at those who seem to hinder our progress (be it keeping to schedule or reaching some objective). We may as well be angry with God (and we are too polite to admit it, or too afraid to).

God meanwhile, has both tried to redirect us as well as allow us to learn by becoming fed-up with being stuck in the mud.

Pause and think. 

Was there a re-direction from God when he allowed you to mess up...again? Could he be showing you that you need to do some things differently?

Are you really exhausted? You know you cannot continue like this.

How do we move from guilt to Grace and from 'should' to 'want'?


Now for the CSI:

C - consider your motive.
Our motives make a huge difference to what we do and the way we do it. Ask yourself Why you are doing something? Is it motivated by love, fear or obligation? Whether it is taking up a role, parenting, planning something, our speech, even our prayers, motivations stand behind them all.
God reveals to us that the only motivation that makes a difference is love. Do something (for someone) out of love.
Some of us are so beat up in life that even loving someone or something is hazy to us. It has become so difficult to really be responsible and take charge. I can think of only one answer. Start. Life will never happen if we refuse to live, and to love.
Don't do things out of guilt. If you are a mature adult, don't even do things because you should.

S- study your patterns
Do you tend to say 'yes' very quickly? Do you find yourself overloaded? Do you find yourself shying away? Do you yo-yo up and down, or do you tend to worry that something is waiting to go horribly wrong?
Our patterns have a lot to tell us. They are great indicators of what we fear as well as what we hope for. Identify your patterns and pray for the insight to disrupt them.

I- investigate your roots
If you find it hard to break out of a pattern, it is being fed by a deeper root. It is time to see a pastor or a counselor who may be able to help you identify and uproot the issue at its source.

So much of what adults struggle with have roots in childhood.

I do not advocate excessive self-analysis and digging around in your past. Our memories are hazy and our hearts can be extremely vulnerable. Yet, if there are nagging issues, it is very likely that although you are now an adult, in some areas, you have remained a child, and feel powerless to change.


Freedom is when we realised how much we are carried by Grace, that we can make strong, even sacrificial choices because we want to - obey God, lift others up, use our competencies - not because we have to.

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. ~ Galatians 5v13, The Message

Someone share recently that when she had to take in her father-in-law, her older brother reminded her, "don't do it out of duty, do it out of love".

 I think it takes us time to figure out what we are willing to do for others, even our loved ones.

We all secretly fear the worst of things would happen to those around us and we have to upheaval our lifestyles in order to care for them. Rather than wish it away, we may do better to question our hearts and ready them for deeper ways of love.


From Anger to Joy
The simplest and most powerful way to understand anger is that it arises when we feel that our way is blocked (just think drivers that get cut by another). Anger gives way to joy if our life circumstances become what we want. This is a tall order requiring major resistance and reformation!

...God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you ~ Romans 12v1-2, The Message

It is the slow work of building a new scaffold for our lives to hang upon that shapes up differently over time. 

By exposing our patterns, healing our roots and confessing our lack of love, we turn to God for Grace and begin to experience it as a present reality and a powerful force in our lives. In time, we begin to stand on Grace as it solidifies in our lives and find that we are no longer flimsy selves leaning this way and that, racked by guilt, pressure and anger.

This is Good News.