Far from home, close to Love - when mom goes away for three weeks!

I had expected more suspicious looks and carefully let-out recriminations that sum up as:

How Can You Leave Them?

It is the first thing that wormed within me when the email came that I received the scholarship.

I thought about how my mother didn't even buy herself anything fancy, visit a spa or expect gifts, until she had retired and our support had been steady and strong.

Just a generation away, and the responses I received were:

I am envious man
You deserve it
What an opportunity
Great break, go for it!

I am committed to grow as a person and in my vocation as a pastor-writer. Still, my mom-heart is so dead-centre in my being that the decision was anything but easy.

It isn't because I am a hovering parent. It's not even because of the son's exams. It's not that I fear they will unravel without me, for they won't.

I am the kind of momma who has knitted her soul with her children. I am pretty sure we haven't always made all the best choices for them, but my love is deep. My soul quivers, rises and falls sullen upon their childishness, their stubbornness, their strengths and weaknesses. My children affect me deeply, and I let them.

I think we affect God deeply, and He lets us.

But I am aware of a beckoning.
I sense a weariness in my soul.
Extended solitude is safety for the soul.
And it's time to write.

So I packed very slowly over a few days, quite unsure what I will need as I watch the weather. [It is a good thing I am a minimalist, so I am here with 4 sets of clothes and no hair dryer].


When I arrive, I know straight away this is a place their souls will come alive and miss them.

But this is a gift for me and I need to receive it.

The children are brave. Of course, they want to come. Of course, they blurt out that I am 'on holiday'. Of course, they are missing me. But the best love a momma soul can have? They believe that their momma is on adventure with God. They encouraged me and assure me that they will be fine!



We love to try to make sense of everything, but this hiatus is quite awkward to make sense of.

The productive ones who use a ledger want to know what i gained by this 'sacrifice' (so, have you written anything so far?).
The romantics want to see lovely pictures, read about my jaunts and share the adventures.
The worriers don't need to say anything, I am quite capable of conjuring worse case scenarios myself!

I only know God carved out this space and time for me. He will have the answers to the rest if I really need them, in His time.

So, till the end of April, please know that if you need to make any decision and it's not easy, it's okay.

And do pray for me to return stronger, more loving, and hopefully with some writing too.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): the real reason why I stay home

The real reason for things isn't always at first clear.

I always thought I chose to stay home because I grew up missing my mom who was busy with making ends meet and tending to a rambunctious brood of eleven.

Then of course, I thought it's about my vision for family life that was cultivated over the years, reflecting on what I lacked and what God speaks of in His Word about a new order and a new way.

Later, I felt strongly that the choice, not hard at first, but harder as the years go by (due to tiredness, seeing friends move so much 'ahead', not quite using some of my gifts), was about learning to live the cost of my convictions.

But today, the real reason suddenly presented itself to me.

God was making His home in me as He journeyed with me to make a home for my small family.

I am not sure what you feel as you read this. Maybe read it again?

Did you get that? Staying still, being small, all those feelings of insignificance, seemingly missed opportunities, living with less, trying to be true to my calling and gifts... all of what feels like loss has led to my greatest gain.

I am at home with God my Father, I know the experience of His being present, alive, living in me. I feel a security that no one else can assure me of. There is a largeness and largesse that no success or rank can offer. 

"The very credentials.. I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash - along with everything else I use to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I thought i had going for me is insignificant...so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him" ~ Philippians 3v7-9  The Message Bible

Contrary to popular notions that says the SAHM is a frustrated woman with a dour, shriveled existence, I have grown large and deep, enough to welcome the Maker. He is not a rare visitor, the A&E (or ER) paramedic that comes running. He is not an ethereal sensation. He is right here, right now, happy to be at home in and with me. I have harvested the fruit of persistence, patience and resilience through the many repetitive, humdrum days and nights. I have seen the fruit of wisdom grow in my life.

It takes a special grace to see that God is with us in the mundane (we are so silly to always connect the Divine with the spectacular, I mean, earth is exciting, but God has the entire Universe people!). He chose to come live among us didn't He, and said He would always be with us.

It takes a special Grace to sense God's working in what seems to be so little, so simple, so slow.

It takes a special Grace to fight the trends and voices all around, and eventually get to the place that you recognize the Voice that really matters.

And staying home, where there seems so little stimulation, where you may be craving better food and conversation, is like an extended time of solitude for God to come by, if we would invite Him to. 

Some of us are called to bear heavy crosses: finances are thin, we have many dependents, there may be chronic illness, special needs. But so many of us take upon ourselves crosses the world hand to us: a certain lifestyle, rank and reputation, title and titillation.

What if God gave us children to ask us to break away and enter a new way of life with Him?

What if it's about learning to see God's smiles in our children's?
What if it's about enlarging us as we pray desperate prayers when those tears don't stop and the night drags on?
What if counting pennies creates in us contentment and generosity?
What if walking at the pace of a distracted two-year-old and answering the endless 'why's?" is how God is walking with us?


When the days are long, and I recall that there is no retirement or exit clause in parenting, my heart goes out to those mothers who have to work 100% and parent 100%. The work ethic is Singapore is so punishing at times, I see parents everywhere not really attentive, present or engaged with their children, or with their own souls. What losses are we suffering, in our lives, our homes and as a society?

The world has recently been reeling from violence, first, from terror, then from horror. The latter is seeing unfit leaders assume office and perpetuate unwholesome ways of leadership, which will become the subtext of how societies do life in time. What is going on? I talked with my Filipino helper who lives with me, her two daughters still back home in the Philippines. While most employers want to get a good deal out of their worker, and I do expect good work, I am even more concerned for her daughters. I wondered if the generations of absent mothers and fathers have led to so much crime in their society. Sadly, even educated Filipinos don't see that the solution is not a hacksaw that perpetuates the language and habits of violence. Lives are treated with such disdain, what a travesty of God's Will, in a land that claims to be religious no less.

We know that we live in an inter-dependent world. But we the richer ones are often the takers. I may overstate, but it is crazy if we contribute to another society's breakdown while trying to do good by giving away material things or going on mission trip, boosting our spiritual egos. These are hard and real issues. And no one has time for these deeper things if we are all drowning in our eyeballs with grasping and grabbing.

Suddenly, the reality that the family is the basic unit and building block of a society hits me with fresh force. The question is,

Is anyone home?

And Adam knew Eve...a Valentine's special

A teen asked me, "aren't most people happily married?".

How would you answer that?

When we see pictures of fine dining, a couple dressed, smiling, a rose or a bouquet... our hearts murmur longing while our minds may race towards a combination of being happy/wondering if it's worth it/being skeptical.

Maybe it's my melancholy bent. Maybe it's my realist edge. "Happily married" does not cut it for me. But far be it that I would go through the days just glad to indicate 'married' under the status section of any form!


What does "happily married" mean to you?


Happiness is such a shallow enterprise these days and equally a rare commodity. It's so hard to find a happy person, much less, a happy couple! What do we do?


First of, I do not recommend ignoring an opportunity to celebrate love. Go have a date, do. Just remember that when the familiar infelicity visits, be bigger than it.

My spouse and I are so different that we are often impatient with each other, and that's a nasty habit. With his innate problem-solving bent, he sought for years to figure me out, till he threw his hands up in despair. With a flash of insight, he had said, "this is not possible, you are the rib that isn't a part of me anymore". As the woman who longs to be safe and cherished, there are a thousand ways he can communicate just the opposite. So we have had some very dark days and moments.


The problem wasn't all of our differences. The problem is that we were made for Joy. You and I, imago Dei, in the image of a God who sings and dances, who created the playful otter and that ridiculous owl that winks. The problem is that we have walked so far from Eden that Joy is hard for us to believe, to see, to experience.

Consider how astounding and subversive this is. This Joy deal. The world's happiness hangs on good times, wealth, and a fuss-free existence including great sex. All of it fragile stuff.


In 2015, I went on a retreat. As usual I brought my knapsack of many questions, not a few to do with my marriage. School and society, largely shaped by men, have also trained me to seek solutions.

God took me on a slow, restful time to lead me to one word: mystery.

Now mystery is a word that sets us off on a hunt for clues and rescue. Not this time. God is mystery, the great Reformers taught that, after positing a entire system for salvation. Perhaps, made in His image, we too are mystery.

The word settled upon my soul like a comforter. I felt a palpable rest to know that if I could not figure out myself, I am being human, which is to be loved by God, not categorised and 'resolved'.  You can do all the personality tests, gift tests, 360 degree review...but you will always be larger and still remain mysterious.

In fact, being loved and known by God is the foundation of a life that is set free. We are free from always exacting so much from ourselves, berating ourselves for not being at our best, striving endlessly to be improved versions of ourselves. We can then free others from the same.

God will reveal who I am to me, in the most loving way.

So I come to Adam and Eve, the first pair. Their mystery as persons and as a couple is captured in a tiny word yada. The Hebrew root is maleable and the word has multiple possible meanings, which the NKJV translates as 'know'. Look at all the ways to know:

: learn to know, perceive, find out and discern, distinguish, recognise, consider

The word is used for Adam and Eve in Genesis to refer to their consummation resulting in offspring. It is used for God and His people in the context of Covenant. It is used in personal reflection. It is a powerful little word that brings change. You can both seek to know, and be willing to be known.

We can describe our spouses by their traits, work, habits and quirks. But yada calls us to an ongoing journey of discovery, where we are willing to see and reverence the mystery of the other person's life, and offer our own.

Can you smell Joy in this?

Any relationship that is defined once for all begins to die. We have made a huge mistake selling out to the idea that marriage does that. Marriage does not define us. It is giving us the chance to be free from all the definitions imposed by self or others.

I know it's hard. People love figuring us out. We love the affirmations and the sense of security it gives. 

I know it's hard. With each rising sun, we have a thousand things to attend to and a treadmill to mount, to put food on table and send the kids to school etc. 

I know it's hard. We are often bone weary and emotionally spent. 

The getting-on-with-life interferes with Life.

So this is what I recommend for Valentine's (and don't mind the date if you are late). Go on the Threesome with God. Do something that makes each person feel Life coming back. Say ridiculous things. Share your soul (and don't get upset if the other person doesn't quite get it). Pray.

Valentine's, is like a Sabbath for your love. Rest it from all the toil of making it work. Have some yada ידע - and may the God of Love visit your Sabbath and bring it rest, the prelude to Joy.