a heart of wisdom, a head of white- living well and strong.

The 11 year-old was sitting right by me quietly for a while, then suddenly: Mom! You have so much white hair! You are getting so old...

Slightly startled at his newfound knowledge, I soon compose myself, laughed and reminded him to take good care of his old ma.

He leans over and gives me a hug, as if getting old was such a disaster!

Live long enough and age seems such a bad thing. Women in particular have been known to be skittish about age. So we invent what I call common-wisdom:

Age is only a number
Mind over matter: if you don't mind it, it don't matter.
You don't look your age

Age is a number - that represents something.
So it does matter.
Looking our age isn't the issue, acting our age is!

In contrast to common wisdom, God calls us to be aware of our days, to mark the seasons and to number our days!

We are to live with an awareness of our mortality.

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes ~ James 4v14

Ouch.

We have an expiry date, and we do not get to set it. This is what I call hard truth.

Pair this with:

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. ~ Psalm 90v12

This remembrance of our mortality is not morbid. Rather it is purposeful.
With the reality of our mortality, this Psalm tells us that we not to simply pass our days, but to observe if our hearts are enlarging and deepening with a distinct quality called wisdom.

So I ask myself:

Does my wisdom match my graying hairs?

Do I know, feel, act like a 50 year-old who has gone through what I have gone through?

Knowing that tomorrow may never come, do I live in hostage to my past, or trapped in anxiety about the future? Should I not be fully present in the current moment and realities?

What have I made of the experiences of pleasure, satisfaction, and fullness?
What has become of me through the losses, pains, betrayals and sacrifices?


To know our mortality is to appreciate the present.
To gain a heart of wisdom is to have something from our past to offer the present.

Zipping through our days won't give us either.

What experience has made you feel alive?

What experiences have made you feel deadened?

These two questions that are derived from an old practice of self-examination* takes both our mortality and our potential seriously. What makes us alive is indication of our true self and the gift we are to the world. What deadens us suggest to us that we are not strong enough or not meant to walk that way.

You may live to a hundred, but would you want to be a stranger to yourself at the end?
You may live less than the average life span, but your spark has left light, love and truth behind!

When God calls us to gain a heart of wisdom, it means that it matters how we pass our days. It also means that we can allow our days to shape and polish us so we can grow age with grace and confidence.

It's time to stop fussing over time management. The sands of time will flow on. The tick-tock will continue.

Manage instead our motives, our moods, and meanings. Assign the most time to the things that matter the most. Allocate times of freshness and energy to what you truly value. Design appointed times for reflection and deep thought.


Pray with me:

“Show me, Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is. ~ Psalm 39v4

And remember, we can count on this:

My times are in Your hands ~ Psalm 31v15

ThMom! You have so much white hair! Getting SO old...

Me, addicted? 4 reasons why we may be addicts raising addicts {and a freedom manifesto}

There are so many ways to live a life.

There is so much meaningful and productive work that is possible - from building a home, caring for a need to building a business, serving a client, thinking up solutions, solving a crime...

There is so much variety in how we can rest, recreate and re-connect - from sleep to conversation and coffee, exploring new places, a good book alone or with another, serving a cause, learning a skill....

Yet, despite the choices available, we often feel that there is something to conform to. 

Get that university degree.
Earn a little more.
Get or go to the latest.... 

Youths prove this best. While seeking to establish a personal identity, they go through a season when they often dress, talk and behave in similar fashion. Small town or global village.

The dawn of music videos and the access today to real-time information sharing has now produced a global youth culture where behaviours, values, attitudes are being shared and mimicked at an astoundingly rapid pace.

Their need to be part of a tribe, to belong, is natural and good. But it is something to outgrow. This is known as individuation. But the forces of society are strong, and most of us outgrow our youth, but not necessarily the conformity. We are not quite free to march to our own unique drumbeat.

The pressure to conform has taken a new twist today, with technology. Societal pressures are now given a presence that makes it far harder for us to mature and individuate. Psychotherapist Colier in her book, The Power of Off, claims that it is making us addicts who raise addicts. She shares some telling stories we can well relate to:

One of my clients...comes into his therapy sessions every week with two smartphones...He glances down at his technology a minimum of once per minute...He does not feel it is in his power to turn the phones off, not even during therapy...

My daughter's friends sent me..photographs from an event my daughter attended. On the same day, i received an e-greeting card from another friend. Both required me t join websites and set up accounts...which would take precious minutes. I never saw the photos or read the card.

A man who had forgotten his smartphone charger dashed around the office..he was frantic 

Babysitters had to be fired because they were constantly on their devices!

A woman felt so lost and anxious when she accidentally left her phone at home...she finally took a cab home to retrieve it and check her email, even though she wasn't expecting anything particularly.

Of course, there is the pastor's all-time favourite: congregants on their phones during sermon time.

So is Colier right? Are we, broadband, high-speed internet users, becoming addicts and raising addicts?

Technology use gives us a shot of feels-good. This means that over time, our use will make us want to use it more, because our brains will reinforce the good sensations. This is how addiction forms, and the algorithms are designed to deliver just that. Facebook likes have gone from a simple 'like' to emoticons to floating hearts... Colier poses the question: if our pleasure baselines are elevated, will we need anti-anxiety substances to bring them back down? Is this linked to increased tendencies towards depression? Can this cause an entire generation who rely on technology so much to later abuse other substances because they need this 'high'? Sobering questions.

There's more colluding than the chemicals in our brains.

First, there is the entire knowledge economy, re-Renaissance thing (indeed, another author has called the Internet a fresh Reinassance). There used to be that mantra, 'knowledge is power'. So, we all love to know stuff. whether it is really sound, true, useful, is secondary. Knowing stuff is hip and makes us look in-the-know. As a subset, there is also the "I have a view" value in our ultra-individualist, post-modern milieu. We all know stuff and we all have some kind of view, both of which should be shared, as it establishes who we are.


After identity comes significance. Significance is about making a difference. But it is commonly confused with 'being popular'. Hence being busy and being available become indicators, if not pathways to success and significance. With technology, we have become available 24/7, and many of us refuse to admit to it because in our wired world, an opportunity may be lurking around the next minute when our phones buzz. So we become slaves to our devices. But it isn't just work.


Thirdly, most of us want to get the best of life. This translates into the best deal in our consumer world. This in turn means loads of time comparing information, viewing images, talking about externals that do not deeply touch our souls, although it provides a rush of gratification.

Once, I noticed that when I have a pocket of time, I would reach for my phone. I had nothing in particular I needed to do with the device. But I knew that it offers me ideas to fill my time. This way, my phone is no longer just a tool. A tool is something you pick up to use for a purpose. We can go to our devices with a purpose at first, but it is so easy for that purpose to segue into a series of time-consuming activities, such that it has a power that can decide what I see, think, feel, and act upon. The level of distraction and engagement is extremely high and it takes discipline to see it as a tool and put it down once the use is over. This leads me to the final point.

Humans are just edgy about the present moment and the presence of others. When we are honest, we know this is true. Very few of us know how to relax easily. Very few of us know how to connect deeply with others. Boredom creeps in quickly. Conflict teaches us avoidance. As a result, the present moment is often lost and the people we long to relate to intimately are often the ones we push away. Both of these cause us pain. Technology helps us to avoid both. We get lost in some other dimension, and become inattentive to where we are or who we are with.

To be fully present to the moment and to really connect with another soul do not come easily to us. Yet it is what makes us most alive and makes our lives most meaningful.

The fact that we now have vacations designed around being freed from technology is telling.


Humans will always be asking these questions:

Who am I?

Am I ok?

Who do I belong with?

What am I here for?

Technology is a poser pretending to offer us answers, and setting us up for disappointment. Our facebook likes, snapchat, instagram, twitter, Goodreads profiles, newsfeeds, shopping sites, Youtube and all will never give us the answers. They merely send us in a myriad directions, meanwhile, re-wiring our brains, and possibly inducing us into addictive states.

Is this how we want to live?

Which of the four reasons shared above resonates with you? Do you have further explanations to add?

Writing this post, I came up with a Freedom Manifesto, to prevent myself from being lulled into addiction.

Take the words of this Freedom Manifesto and make it yours!

I AM FREE

I can say YES

to the present moment

to what is life-giving for me and others

to sun, wind, sounds, sights and smells

awaken to life bursting all around me

the grind won't wear me out

the grandeur marked upon my soul

I can say NO

when I want to

when I need to

to technology, books, food, sex

to people, work,

to being heard, seen, known

I can

sing, dance, draw, write, dream, imagine, work, rest.

For there is One who always hears, sees, and smiles.

I am free.

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and 

do not be subject again to 

a yoke of slavery 

~ Galatians 5v1

Here is Nancy Colier's book:

The hermeneutic of suspicion and how to tear it apart

Somewhere, someone, somehow, we learnt not to trust.

We distrust ourselves.
Living Google world, we wonder if we need yet more information in order to make a decision. Knowing how many times we have messed up in the past can cause us to lose confidence in our ability to judge and choose well. This shows up in our lack of confidence to deal with decisions or certain aspects of life.

We distrust each other.
Close friendships can be torn asunder, siblings can quarrel past the parents' demise, couples break up due to infidelity or from disappointments and hurts that feel too deep to heal from.

Distrust is growing and gnawing at us all today. We distrust those who take a different view of things, hold to different values, espouse different ideals.

Distrust is extremely toxic as it presumes that the other is 'guilty' as it were, and lays down an a priori verdict.  This is the air and the hermeneutic today. We pick up the newspapers expecting to find news that we will object to. We engage social media to like/dislike/opine at the most superficial understanding of any situation. We half-listen to one another, more focused on how we will respond so as to trump the conversation.

Our brains that seek consonance conspire in this process with its innate ability towards confirmation bias, and we practise selective listening with finesse.


All of this happening in a time when self-expression and fulfillment are the gods of the day, which means that our referent point is The Self, a pretty small space to begin with.

Where lies the hope that we can communicate with more calm?

How can we reach out to those who began at a totally opposing end of the spectrum?

What is the way forward for marriages, families, and ecosystems within society, including political structures?

Recently, a young adult tried to educate me about SRS (sex reassignment surgery), and she began by saying that I must see it as a sin. I have never interacted with her prior to this, and she was writing an email to me about a subject that is both sensitive and painful. I was surprised that she had presumed (probably because I am a pastor) that my first frame of reference is about the sinfulness of it. In reality, what bothered me was the very real pain, loss and grief of the psychiatric condition dysphoria. To feel a disconnect with one's self, to experience rejection, and to search for a way out - all of it is deep pain. I agonised for the person and her family. I also agonised over how the church can communicate truth in such circumstances.

So how we can trust each other better?
How can we regain trust when we have lost it?
How do we prevent what precious little trust we have from going to rot?

Nothing is resolved where there is no genuine heart interest to do so.

Why bother to risk it and get hurt or disappointed - we hear it all the time.

Someone has pulled the wool over our eyes, having us believe that protecting our interests, guarding our borders and entrenching our positions is what grants security. This happens emotionally, psychologically, socially, and even politically. It is all playing out before us these days. From the needless haggling for a petty discount to the couple breaking up the assets, to the culling of human lives through immigration policies, we live by the rule of paucity and mistrust. There isn't enough to go around, and survival goes to the ones who can out-manuvuere others. We build walls all the time. Trump's wall is but a visible expression of an inward reality that already exists.

We need a fresh vision.

We need to believe that trusting is better.


Interestingly, the heart of the Christian's relationship with God is one of trust, expressed as obedience. 

But O, how we struggle to trust God!

With mere logic, it can seem insane to trust an unseen Being. It feels scary to say that an ancient text (collection of texts to be precise) should be infallible and hold authority over our lives - whatever we feel, grapple with, aspire towards.

Trust isn't what we are inclined towards, although we need it and yearn for it.

We want someone we can rely on, count on, come through.

Yet our parents, BFFs and all will have moments when they cannot be all we need them to be.


In the midst of turmoil, the prophet Isaiah inserted this gem in chapter 26. Here it is, in three different English versions:

“The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in You. [NASB]

You will keep in perfect peace
    those whose minds are steadfast,
    because they trust in you. [NIV]

You, Lord, give true peace.
    You give peace to those who depend on you.
    You give peace to those who trust you. [ICB]

Trust in God yields the fruit of conviction of mind, a steadfastness, and peace.

Conviction of mind is important for us to enter into interactions. It offers us an anchor and a vision for where we want things to go. But it needs the other two, or it can be mere stubborness and even a hurtful bull-dozing.

Steadfastness is needed because mistrust easily creeps back into our psyche. We ask endless 'what ifs'... and back-pedal or stall due to this. Being steadfast allows us to hold on and plod through these moments.

Peace in the Bible is not so much an emotional state, but a relational state. Hence trusting God gives rise to peace as we recognise that God is larger and stronger than our arguments and defenses. We go into dialogue and seek the possibility of understanding, and even communion by holding on to this peace and letting it become the atmosphere for the encounter and interaction.

Recently I read an excerpt from Kay Warren's heart-rending story of how her early years of marriage were a wreck. She had stumbled upon pornography as a young woman and that had filled her with a darkness and a guilt that seeped into her marriage. Pornography is a dehumanising deed, degrading both the those who watch it and those who perform for it. They also got married very young when much of their life values and skills were not matured. Like all couples, Kay and Rick gave each other plenty of ammo to choose a lack of trust.

But they tore asunder the wool being pulled over them. They chose instead to trust God, and from there, to trust each other, again and again.

If there is any relationship as intense and as open to abuse, it is the marriage. Two lives, two hearts, two totality, coming together like rivulets crashing together into a turbulent stream.... a powerful force that can shape what it meanders around.

And perhaps this is why the marriage is a sign of the Kingdom. When two hearts can learn to rest in trust in the Heart of Love, and slowly pick up the skills to speak, listen, and act out of trust in God and each other, that training will overflow into other areas of life. That unity will sustain other lives (children especially) through the inevitable seasons of life. That union will showcase that the genders can co-operate and bring out the best in each other, and not compete as if there is only space for one gender.

If you are not married, there are yet plenty of places to grow to trust.

As we trust God, His trustworthiness folds into our being and we too grow to be able to trust others and ourselves better.