You are the best parents for your child(ren): of P.S.L.E., Pain, and Purpose

Nothing gets us through like Purpose.

Viktor Frankl survived the Holocaust and went on to produce his groundbreaking pyschotherapeutic method, because he realised that a sense of purpose is what made his suffering bearable.

The suffering I am about to describe is certainly pale in comparison, but it is nonetheless real for nearly forty thousand children* and their parents: the Primary School Leaving Examination (yes, the dreaded PSLE) where twelve year-olds take standardised tests which results in where they get to go on to next in the educational maze.

Being Asian and living in a society where our state leaders are constantly reminding us of about how "no one owes us a living" (yes, that's a line in our National Education), underneath our sparkly exterior and world-class airport, is a nervous rumination: what if.

What if my kid does not do well?

God forbid. So the frenzy:
- to find out how the exams are structured and scored
- to diagnose where the kid is not making it
- to find the absolute solution that will turn things around/ pump things up so that an A is a given

I admitted in earlier posts (see below) that I too got sucked into the frenzy.

Seriously, it is a vortex, and forgive me for being a tad skeptical because I don't think there are parents (except those who should be charged for negligence) who would not agonize over this transition.

Despite our persistent efforts to reassure our little fella, he piped up during one dinner: "This is so important, it's going to determine the rest of my life!". Yes, incredulous. The school has succeeded, or should I say the system.

Over the months of being bombarded by Facebook ads about Tutors and Coaches who guarantee jumps in grade, going through his work at school, emailing teachers (who do not always reply), and dealing with my son's lack of motivation, anger outbursts and dyslexia, I was finding it really exhausting and pointless. The latter added to the sense of weariness, for both of us. The father who is trying to be 100 percent involved (as a busy working man can) helped but also created more work in a way. I had to explain and discuss and decide with someone who doesn't always see things my way. This is the necessary spill over effects of any major undertaking + a marriage-at-work.

Over the many sessions of silencing the cacophony of fear, anxiety, frustration and tiredness, I realised that if I was finding this quite overwhelming as an adult, my child is probably feeling worse. This was when I decided that Purpose needed to rescue us all.


So what is the point of this PSLE thing?

Of course, there is the overarching reality that life involves work. A good friend reminded us that we live for God's glory and live out our seasons with this orientation. These are message we transmit. But we also needed something more concrete and specific for this exam season.

With my son, grades would really not be a good thing to shoot for. He has exam anxiety and his overall performance is simply inconsistent. He wasn't mature enough for it.

We have many close heart-to-heart conversations. Already we had assured him that grades were not that important. But we all know "doing your best" is hard to measure. So we decided that for him, this will be a rite of passage for his maturity. This is going to be a period of a few months where he will grow, specifically, to be more structured and focused.

For a child with ADHD and dyslexia. these are huge challenges. So I pared it down to as specific details as I could for each subject (and trust me, I never knew I could do this!). Progress was slow, but he worked at them. We could not cover alot of ground in one day because we lacked the stamina, so I made the difficult decision to let him step down his second language, which would fill us with some uncertainty. But I knew that growing to be more able to spot his own flaws, take responsibility, create solutions and put in sustained effort is what helps him turn from boy to young man.

It was not an onward, upward journey. We dipped. Towards the actual exam week, he lost steam. But his growth is evident. I surrounded him with positive reinforcements from Scripture to posters to treats. We planned post-exam celebrations and "top things to do".

On the second last day of his exam, my back protested by locking up in excruciating spasms. I could not even take him to lunch and a playdate after his final paper! What a bum. Thankfully, his classmate's mom gamely took the few of them out, and he came home with a bright smile.

But it was a mom in constant pain that greeted him.

The last few days were the marking days for the PSLE and he did not have to report to school. Without the momma-commanding officer in action, he chilled a lot! He also did chores and went with me to the doctor's, to lunch and to the pool. He learnt to feed the cat and clean up after it.

We had many more conversations. As I listened to him and watch how his frame is growing lanky, his hands now larger than mine, I realised he is turning into a young man-to-be. My heart swelled with joy to hear his wisdom, his probing questions, his crazy humour, and his take charge exclamations such as, "Mom, you should definitely take the X-ray!".

Just over the weekend, we sat down and talked about the options for education that lay ahead. We had at first thought we would choose for him and just prevail over him about it, but I can hear the wheels turning in his head and the concerns of his heart, and I think he will make the choice with us supporting it.

Most of all, there is a Person who bestows Purpose and watches over our steps. This little verse which we used to sing in Sunday School has been ringing in my heart:

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

    He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

    for the Lord holds them by the hand. ~ Psalm 37v23-24, New Living Translation

Enjoy this oldie: The Steps of a good man by Jack Marti

What gives you Purpose for what you are going through now?
What purpose do you offer your children for going through a massive exam?

Related posts:
The confession earlier
The PSLE blues first time round
Power & powerlessness in mothering


*taken off MOE data from 2015

Standing when the darkness sweeps in

"1 dead, 19 injured after crash"

This is the sort of news that is becoming routine in our world today.  Here, a car barreled into non-violent protesters. We would link it to a terror attack, except this is not. It happened in the US of A - the land of the free and brave.

Some say it is getting darker. Most deplore the darkness. Some evil seem so obvious, like ISIS.

Many are eager to expect others to condemn and speak up. We look to leaders, spiritual and political to hand out answers and police the situations. But the news essentially never changes.

We need to keep praying for courageous leaders to emerge. Power is an attractive thing, and the good are often not drawn to it.









Other influencers, educated, powerful men and women, can become blind to the darkness in their hearts so that the darkness in each connects and coagulates and becomes a huge blob that snuffs out sense and light.

We need to pray for philosophies and practices that are driven by greed and fear to dismantle.


But it isn't just the folks who rule. 




Each of us is a little kingdom to our self, and we each have influence, often greater than we ever considered.














The Bible tells us that darkness lurks in all our hearts. With the speed of information spread today, and little time for journalists to do deep research, many of us are agreeing too quickly on shaky facts, and often we are adding to the vitriol. Much of it seem harmless: voicing our opinions, defending our positions, highlighting our preferences.

This is why any teaching that does not call each of us to account for our thoughts and deeds is far from the truth, and will never enable us to grow into our calling to be peacemakers.

From systemic darkness to personal demons, there is a way to understand this:

"...the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient...gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts." ~ Ephesians 2v2-3

It is personal.

There is a personality behind darkness.

This is the personality of actual human leaders. It is also the personality of a sinister and strong force that is against all that is light, good, truth, hope.

It is an opportunistic being that weighs in on our human ambition, the desire for revenge, payback for injustice suffered, our need for recognition and applause.... riding on what seems reasonable, the darkness embeds into our souls. When given time to grow beneath the surface, it can erupt as rage, murder, rampage, genocide.

We under-estimate the reality of darkness and ignore the forces of evil that lurk beyond our physical senses, to our peril.

The Bible does not whitewash this harsh reality. It refers to moments and a cataclysmic time:

"when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." ~ Ephesians 6v13

Has a day of evil come upon you?
There will be dark and incredibly difficult days ahead.

Thankfully, we are asked to do what we can: stand.

There are days when evil can come suddenly to plow us down.

At such times, all that is required of us is to stay standing.


Recently I was at a passing out parade of several platoons of soldiers. The parade wasn't very long, but I remember my own days when I loved to march as a member of the Girls' Brigade. The pride of marching however, dissipated quickly when the sun beat down, we felt thirsty, our stomachs growl and our legs begin to buckle. Only two things kept us standing: knowing we could not walk away, and trusting that we can actually do this or the officers would not require it of us.

Will we walk away when it gets hard?
Do we trust that the tough times are still a part of God's good and perfect will?

It seems to me, as old songs have a tendency to float back into my consciousness unbidden these days, that we took these challenges far more seriously in the past. We had songs like "this world is not my home, I'm just a passing through". But some of our luxuriant homes and lifetsyles (pastors included) makes me wonder if we have not sold our passport to heaven coz' it's just got so good here on earth.

Sir Glubb's* prescient essay about the rise and fall of great nations names 'the good times' as that which undermines our ability to stand and stay true, and so to give way. Wealth and ease weaken us.


God actually has a strategy for this, which we need to recapture in our homes and churches.

1] Accountability for personal growth: unless we will be open and vulnerable, we cannot help shine light and dispel darkness. How many are feeling lost, lonely, afraid. far from God - even as they may go through the motions of faith?

2] Contemplation for spiritual resilience: unless we fill our hearts and minds with things above, all of our senses will hold us hostage. How many are battling emotions and thoughts that weigh them down and cause confusion and a loss of vision for life?

3] Encourage each other: this is not merely gathering together to reinforce our platitudes such as "God is good, all the time". It is a serious effort to share our possessions and resources so that we can together enjoy God's bounty towards our needs. How many are struggling to make ends meet and wondering if God has chosen not to bless them?

This A.C.E. strategy is very hard to teach and implement. Yet it is also really very simple and powerful. The best place to start is to live it ourselves, in increasing measure.

And then, we must pray for our leaders in all fields, so that we may live our lives with godliness and dignity.


Sir Glubb's essay as referenced on Today paper

You are the best parents for your child(ren): when you don't feel very confident about being a parent

This post is for the honest people. If you believe you are doing a near-perfect job, don't hardly get any jitters, never second-guess your decisions, lose sleep or shed tears, move on to a Ted talk or Mr Brown.

This post is for the hungry. Not just a growl in the tum that is settled by a quick wolfing, but those who like to digest things a little, because I am going to try to throw together a dish that isn't often served, and you need time to taste it and examine its nutritional value.

This post is for the happy people, the folks who want to keep getting up and doing stuff better.

This post is about Parental Confidence, which comes about this way: Parental + Confidence.


Parental
So you had a baby, she came out all squirmy and the room felt like heaven's entry way. Near exhaustion, you beam as if an angel had scattered gold dust (maybe it has). Congratulations! Just remember this: parenting is never, ever, automatic. It is a decision.

Recently, dear Jason Wong of the Fatherhood Movement/Yellow Ribbon, put out a short vid about not outsourcing parenting.

But guess what? We do.

We need the income.
I need my sanity.
I can't do this.
I'm not the ...type.
My in-laws are free.
I am not a child expert.

Some of these are larger realities and we need to stand together to say 'No' to it. Why for example, does Singapore have to be one of the most expensive cities to live in?

Most of the other reasons fall like cards. A child is a life. A gift. A trust.  God has chosen you to bring her here (well planned or otherwise). It's been said, anyone can be the CEO, but only you can be the parent to your child.

We all know that the family unit is the basic building block of any society, but we don't really believe it. Or we will not be knocking it down so much. From overworked parents, to stressed out children, families have become a mimicry of the corporate or bureaucratic structures of efficiency and order. We fear losing out, we hurry, we spend most of our energies on administration.

We imbibe all the stuff we hear without thinking clearly for ourselves. This is called conformity. There is stern warning about it:

Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds..." ~ Romans 12v1-2

Conformity is the enemy of originality, diversity, and of power. When we conform we hand over power. I am not anti-establishment for after all, the home is an establishment and institution. No home is ever one without the need for rules and for members to abide by them. That is not conformity, for a thriving home will have space for discussion and negotiation. The aim of the rules is not provide stability for vibrancy to flourish.

When was the last time we stopped to think if we really needed all that stuff?

Have we spent enough time to really know our child and to be able to nurture her soul?

Are our marriages dying for lack of love that is a slow and daily cultivation requiring sacrifice?

I am truly glad and almost envious for those who are created so specially to be able to build a thriving marriage, family life and work life that is all Instagram sweetness. Just that I haven't really met any in real life.

The thing is, with life, you cannot really look ahead to determine the outcomes. You also can't look back and say you ended up with the best outcome. I have successful friends who watch with anguish as their children become estranged. I have so called less-successful friends who experience the same. Equally, friends across the socio-economic spectrum have good relationships with their children and their home is a haven.

Since we can't predict or retrospect, where does that leave us?

Our values. 

I have no doubt all parents want to be the best parents they can be. What I sense is that most of us don't really know how great we can be because we never really attempted it. 

From the way society and couples go about it, I feel that parenting when placed side by side against so many other things, may not be such a high value. What we don't value, we won't make sacrifices for.

In what way have you chosen to be a parent, despite the odds?


The parenting choice is not a once-off deal too.

As the children grow, I have found that reminding myself of my scared trust is a daily necessity. It means I need to have resources to love, nurture, restore, pray, train, discipline, guide, protect, and coach.... It means that when there is strife, unhappiness, sloth, and a multitude of small and large offenses and challenges, I am still the adult who can influence the outcomes the most. I have been given a strange and marvelous power. It is a huge privilege. (I have asked God many times, why He takes the risk).


Is parenting your valued choice?

Confidence
No one likes to feel like an ignoramus. But parenting can do that. It is very humbling. It's also too bad that we have forsaken our familiar networks for the nuclear family so that the load is much heavier, especially if we have other challenges.


But confidence can be grown, with time and practice. It also starts with value.



I was blessed to be number 7 in a family of 9 siblings. So I had some practice with nieces and nephews. I was also blessed to have a mother who is very skillful and adores babies. When I had my first child, my mother and my in-laws were in fact retired and available. But I valued my calling and privilege as a parent. I also know how it felt like not to have my parents available to me in my growing years. So I thanked all of them and despite discouragement, became the primary care giver and made the choice to stay-home and be the 'pastor of one' as it were (though it isn't true, folks came to my home when they needed).

Parenting is a very high value to me.

Who else does my child, chemically inclined, want to bond with so as to feel safe?
Who else is going to think through my child's needs?
Who else is going to witness the flowering of this life?
Who else is going to catch the developmental concerns as the child grows?

We need the support and help of others. But infant care and 12 hour child-care is not best way to go.


I like to think that I am one superb mom. As proof, my neighbor whom I seldom see, was startled to see me with my baby girl, and remarked that she had no idea there was a baby because she never heard crying (of course, my daughter cried, just not very much and I think it is largely due to my attentiveness).  But I have lost my confidence many times (my last post was precisely about times when we blow it. . Still, my value anchored me. I pray, forgive myself, learn, pick myself up and grow in my confidence.

Confidence comes with practice. We simply have to build it over time, hard knocks and experimentation.

I don't want to be that bewildered old person who feels awkward with her children, unsure what she has done with all the years she had as a mom, worried about loneliness or worse outcomes.

I don't want to be that parent who believes others can do a better job with my child than me, when she shares my genes and lives under my roof and longs to connect deeply with me.

I don't want to be that parent who blames school, spouse, society for how my child turns out and how she treats me.

I cannot guarantee the future, and I don't need to. I am called to live in the present, where God the I AM dwells closest to us. The present is shaped by our values, what is important to us at the eternity-moment. I am enjoying the moments of deep laughter, peace, stability and even challenges, moments that I have sown into over all the present moments of the years gone by.

It is one thing to occasionally lose confidence as a parent. It happens. It is another to relegate it away and therefore never own the parenting or grow the confidence.

And O, life is one long continuous conversation. I know some who think that they can work and earn first, then attend to the children when they are older. For the sake of the children and the future of society, I really hope the conversation did not get broken. It is hard to pick up a conversation when the sense of intimacy is lost and when the lingo is too different.


Onward parents, let's grow together in Parental Confidence. Our homes and our nation needs us.



Please share this post with every person planning to have children. 



Related posts:
 the slow cooker approach
 previous posts on parenting