The rot of Impatience

I want patience,
and I want it now!

Did you chuckle? This was a popular preacher's get-some-laughs line whenever the topic was Patience. But it's a joke that still works today.

Patience is hard, and our fast-paced, efficient society filled with conveniences makes it harder. We are used to quick and quicker. But the price we pay with our souls and our relationships are evident. So we see the pushback with mindfulness, meditation, the slow movement and so on.


I really am curious to know statistically how many people are truly more calm, patient and happier with so much spa, retreats and yoga going on everywhere.

But what's the big deal with a lil impatience?  A lot.

For starters, it's pretty much grump to be around someone who is irritable and convey that they cannot wait to move on to the next thing.

Impatience breeds many woes:

communication breakdowns
suspicion
bad decisions

These in turn can lead to burnt bridges, broken hearts, shattered relationships and regrets that sap hope and faith for the future.

Singapore news has been hogged a fair bit the last few years by our train system. We had trains that stopped mid-tracks, didn't stop at stations, announced wrong information, and most recently, flooded with heavy rains causing a massive twenty hour outage. People called for heads to roll. The company offered the unusual move of amnesty in order to surface the reason for the flooding. Parliament talked about it.

Naturally for a modern economy, train failures supposedly cost us. It's inefficient and creates a lot of inconvenience (those words again) and extra work.

Who doesn't like a well-oiled system that never fails?

(As an aside, if we cling to these values, we will capitulate to machines very soon. They are after all, more predictable as long as there is power).

The train debacle revealed that there are cultural and systemic issues. Among other things, this means that along the way, decisions were made and protocols were created that did not make sense or did not really work well. Could it have been Impatience at work?

So is it a case of Impatience breeding issues which we now want to impatiently resolve? Hmm....

Meanwhile back at home base,  I see the effects of Impatience up close on a daily basis.

Isn't the dh going to say goodbye?
When is she going to do the dishes she agreed to wash?
Hasn't the timer gone off, and the fella is still Minecrafting?

Impatience when activated, routinely call for reinforcements known as Raised Voice and Routine Arguments.

So my tone and volume goes up a little. No response. It goes up a little more.... and at times, this leads to the scenario where the unwashed dishes now become 'when are you going to be responsible' kind of talk which can become a cultural and systemic issue!

If I am not careful, my soul caves into anxiety and anger along with the impatience. The relationship then gets coloured by such episodes and the entire atmosphere at home can change.

This is the rot of Impatience.

We get so quick at sizing up situations, labeling them and judging them. But lives and loves take time.

Each life and each relationship and each situation has its own timing for development and fruition.

Jesus asked us to consider the lilies of the field. That's not the easiest thing to do! We reduce that to 'take time to smell the roses' and by that, we mean a quick, token whiff that is an insult to all roses and their magical fragrances.

The lilies' splendor and beauty comes in their time.

Jesus says even the wisest and richest king could not arrange for such an array. Woe be the day we engineer everything to suit our time! The rot will be endemic then, and I shudder to consider the price we will pay for it.

For those who are serious about the spiritual life, every generation and every cultural milieu poses soul threats.
Post-modern living has a way of conforming our souls to a small restricted space as everything careens and spins on. The solid core that should hold us and keep us robust is weak and un-exercised.

We live on borrowed manna from others. We survive and cope, rather than thrive. We are a jangle of nerves. We are breathless. The core of our being is eaten up by the demands and the rot of impatience gnaws away from the fringes inwards. We lose sight of why we are so busy and anxious, and don't have the time to find out.

When I sense the rot of Impatience, I have found that two things stop the infection. First, holding my tongue. Second, choosing trust.

These two are impossible to do unless I can go to God regularly and let my tongue roll, where the questions, concerns and anxieties are unloaded. It's a heart dump of sorts. Then I need to know my Scripture, for nothing secures trust like the Lord's eternal word. I let the words sink a little deeper, I pray them, I write them down, I sing them. So I can trust that although things may not seem to be the way I like them, I can continue to sow and wait for the harvest.

Then I see in my imagination, something like spring visiting a frozen heart, life coming back in and hope arising.

I may text the dh a tender greeting.
I may just do the dishes.
I may ask why the game is so interesting.

Or

I may text a reminder that ends with a funny gif.
I may focus on something good.
I may wave a little note that says 'time's up!'.

Because growth takes time. A life takes a lifetime. And we don't need the rot of Impatience to ruin it.


What triggers your impatience?
What builds your patience?

Do you have a Q for Jenni? Email it to: johhuan@gmail.com [if it will bless others, she may share it while you remain anonymous].

You are the best parents for your child(ren): of P.S.L.E., Pain, and Purpose

Nothing gets us through like Purpose.

Viktor Frankl survived the Holocaust and went on to produce his groundbreaking pyschotherapeutic method, because he realised that a sense of purpose is what made his suffering bearable.

The suffering I am about to describe is certainly pale in comparison, but it is nonetheless real for nearly forty thousand children* and their parents: the Primary School Leaving Examination (yes, the dreaded PSLE) where twelve year-olds take standardised tests which results in where they get to go on to next in the educational maze.

Being Asian and living in a society where our state leaders are constantly reminding us of about how "no one owes us a living" (yes, that's a line in our National Education), underneath our sparkly exterior and world-class airport, is a nervous rumination: what if.

What if my kid does not do well?

God forbid. So the frenzy:
- to find out how the exams are structured and scored
- to diagnose where the kid is not making it
- to find the absolute solution that will turn things around/ pump things up so that an A is a given

I admitted in earlier posts (see below) that I too got sucked into the frenzy.

Seriously, it is a vortex, and forgive me for being a tad skeptical because I don't think there are parents (except those who should be charged for negligence) who would not agonize over this transition.

Despite our persistent efforts to reassure our little fella, he piped up during one dinner: "This is so important, it's going to determine the rest of my life!". Yes, incredulous. The school has succeeded, or should I say the system.

Over the months of being bombarded by Facebook ads about Tutors and Coaches who guarantee jumps in grade, going through his work at school, emailing teachers (who do not always reply), and dealing with my son's lack of motivation, anger outbursts and dyslexia, I was finding it really exhausting and pointless. The latter added to the sense of weariness, for both of us. The father who is trying to be 100 percent involved (as a busy working man can) helped but also created more work in a way. I had to explain and discuss and decide with someone who doesn't always see things my way. This is the necessary spill over effects of any major undertaking + a marriage-at-work.

Over the many sessions of silencing the cacophony of fear, anxiety, frustration and tiredness, I realised that if I was finding this quite overwhelming as an adult, my child is probably feeling worse. This was when I decided that Purpose needed to rescue us all.


So what is the point of this PSLE thing?

Of course, there is the overarching reality that life involves work. A good friend reminded us that we live for God's glory and live out our seasons with this orientation. These are message we transmit. But we also needed something more concrete and specific for this exam season.

With my son, grades would really not be a good thing to shoot for. He has exam anxiety and his overall performance is simply inconsistent. He wasn't mature enough for it.

We have many close heart-to-heart conversations. Already we had assured him that grades were not that important. But we all know "doing your best" is hard to measure. So we decided that for him, this will be a rite of passage for his maturity. This is going to be a period of a few months where he will grow, specifically, to be more structured and focused.

For a child with ADHD and dyslexia. these are huge challenges. So I pared it down to as specific details as I could for each subject (and trust me, I never knew I could do this!). Progress was slow, but he worked at them. We could not cover alot of ground in one day because we lacked the stamina, so I made the difficult decision to let him step down his second language, which would fill us with some uncertainty. But I knew that growing to be more able to spot his own flaws, take responsibility, create solutions and put in sustained effort is what helps him turn from boy to young man.

It was not an onward, upward journey. We dipped. Towards the actual exam week, he lost steam. But his growth is evident. I surrounded him with positive reinforcements from Scripture to posters to treats. We planned post-exam celebrations and "top things to do".

On the second last day of his exam, my back protested by locking up in excruciating spasms. I could not even take him to lunch and a playdate after his final paper! What a bum. Thankfully, his classmate's mom gamely took the few of them out, and he came home with a bright smile.

But it was a mom in constant pain that greeted him.

The last few days were the marking days for the PSLE and he did not have to report to school. Without the momma-commanding officer in action, he chilled a lot! He also did chores and went with me to the doctor's, to lunch and to the pool. He learnt to feed the cat and clean up after it.

We had many more conversations. As I listened to him and watch how his frame is growing lanky, his hands now larger than mine, I realised he is turning into a young man-to-be. My heart swelled with joy to hear his wisdom, his probing questions, his crazy humour, and his take charge exclamations such as, "Mom, you should definitely take the X-ray!".

Just over the weekend, we sat down and talked about the options for education that lay ahead. We had at first thought we would choose for him and just prevail over him about it, but I can hear the wheels turning in his head and the concerns of his heart, and I think he will make the choice with us supporting it.

Most of all, there is a Person who bestows Purpose and watches over our steps. This little verse which we used to sing in Sunday School has been ringing in my heart:

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

    He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

    for the Lord holds them by the hand. ~ Psalm 37v23-24, New Living Translation

Enjoy this oldie: The Steps of a good man by Jack Marti

What gives you Purpose for what you are going through now?
What purpose do you offer your children for going through a massive exam?

Related posts:
The confession earlier
The PSLE blues first time round
Power & powerlessness in mothering


*taken off MOE data from 2015

Standing when the darkness sweeps in

"1 dead, 19 injured after crash"

This is the sort of news that is becoming routine in our world today.  Here, a car barreled into non-violent protesters. We would link it to a terror attack, except this is not. It happened in the US of A - the land of the free and brave.

Some say it is getting darker. Most deplore the darkness. Some evil seem so obvious, like ISIS.

Many are eager to expect others to condemn and speak up. We look to leaders, spiritual and political to hand out answers and police the situations. But the news essentially never changes.

We need to keep praying for courageous leaders to emerge. Power is an attractive thing, and the good are often not drawn to it.









Other influencers, educated, powerful men and women, can become blind to the darkness in their hearts so that the darkness in each connects and coagulates and becomes a huge blob that snuffs out sense and light.

We need to pray for philosophies and practices that are driven by greed and fear to dismantle.


But it isn't just the folks who rule. 




Each of us is a little kingdom to our self, and we each have influence, often greater than we ever considered.














The Bible tells us that darkness lurks in all our hearts. With the speed of information spread today, and little time for journalists to do deep research, many of us are agreeing too quickly on shaky facts, and often we are adding to the vitriol. Much of it seem harmless: voicing our opinions, defending our positions, highlighting our preferences.

This is why any teaching that does not call each of us to account for our thoughts and deeds is far from the truth, and will never enable us to grow into our calling to be peacemakers.

From systemic darkness to personal demons, there is a way to understand this:

"...the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient...gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts." ~ Ephesians 2v2-3

It is personal.

There is a personality behind darkness.

This is the personality of actual human leaders. It is also the personality of a sinister and strong force that is against all that is light, good, truth, hope.

It is an opportunistic being that weighs in on our human ambition, the desire for revenge, payback for injustice suffered, our need for recognition and applause.... riding on what seems reasonable, the darkness embeds into our souls. When given time to grow beneath the surface, it can erupt as rage, murder, rampage, genocide.

We under-estimate the reality of darkness and ignore the forces of evil that lurk beyond our physical senses, to our peril.

The Bible does not whitewash this harsh reality. It refers to moments and a cataclysmic time:

"when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." ~ Ephesians 6v13

Has a day of evil come upon you?
There will be dark and incredibly difficult days ahead.

Thankfully, we are asked to do what we can: stand.

There are days when evil can come suddenly to plow us down.

At such times, all that is required of us is to stay standing.


Recently I was at a passing out parade of several platoons of soldiers. The parade wasn't very long, but I remember my own days when I loved to march as a member of the Girls' Brigade. The pride of marching however, dissipated quickly when the sun beat down, we felt thirsty, our stomachs growl and our legs begin to buckle. Only two things kept us standing: knowing we could not walk away, and trusting that we can actually do this or the officers would not require it of us.

Will we walk away when it gets hard?
Do we trust that the tough times are still a part of God's good and perfect will?

It seems to me, as old songs have a tendency to float back into my consciousness unbidden these days, that we took these challenges far more seriously in the past. We had songs like "this world is not my home, I'm just a passing through". But some of our luxuriant homes and lifetsyles (pastors included) makes me wonder if we have not sold our passport to heaven coz' it's just got so good here on earth.

Sir Glubb's* prescient essay about the rise and fall of great nations names 'the good times' as that which undermines our ability to stand and stay true, and so to give way. Wealth and ease weaken us.


God actually has a strategy for this, which we need to recapture in our homes and churches.

1] Accountability for personal growth: unless we will be open and vulnerable, we cannot help shine light and dispel darkness. How many are feeling lost, lonely, afraid. far from God - even as they may go through the motions of faith?

2] Contemplation for spiritual resilience: unless we fill our hearts and minds with things above, all of our senses will hold us hostage. How many are battling emotions and thoughts that weigh them down and cause confusion and a loss of vision for life?

3] Encourage each other: this is not merely gathering together to reinforce our platitudes such as "God is good, all the time". It is a serious effort to share our possessions and resources so that we can together enjoy God's bounty towards our needs. How many are struggling to make ends meet and wondering if God has chosen not to bless them?

This A.C.E. strategy is very hard to teach and implement. Yet it is also really very simple and powerful. The best place to start is to live it ourselves, in increasing measure.

And then, we must pray for our leaders in all fields, so that we may live our lives with godliness and dignity.


Sir Glubb's essay as referenced on Today paper