Soul Shudders: is it growing older or something else?

No one ever told me that as you grow older, things can get so much more complicated, and harder.

Yvette DePaepe, Autumn Weather Mood

As a youth, all the adults looked to me like they got it together. Or if they did not, my youthful invincibility told me I won't turn out like them.

My marriage will burst with love
My career will be brilliant
My children will bust the limits

We may not ever say it to another soul, but we sure hope for it.

Sol Marrades, Autumn Sunday

It's easy for adults to hide from our dreams as they shatter one by one. We amuse and distract ourselves with entertainment of pretty food, the thrill of bargain or the pleasure of the vacay-escape.

It's easy for adults to be too busy to check in with our souls where the dreams began as smaller lights to point to The Light. So we feel this persistent shadow over us and we cannot be sure of our own shape and purpose.

It is easy for adults to scoff at the naivete, saying we have things to do, datelines to meet, and some times we avoid the younger uns because they remind us too much of it all, contributing to the 'generation gap'.

Sure, there are those folks who are lucky, crazy, out-there enough to pursue what they want, and some of them do it in ways that leave us perplexed. They quit and travel. They bid adieu to their marriages. They botox their faces and contribute to a billion dollar industry of denial.

My marriage is not bursting with love. We keep getting our signals confused and cannot decide if we want to do this Valentine's Day thing. My career, if there is even one, is undefined. My conviction led me to choose raising family first and now seventeen years later, I understand what re-entry feels like: awful, even though I managed to write a snazzy LinkedIn profile.  The children? That's a book-worthy story all its own.

I was so excited to be twenty.
Turning thirty felt powerful.
Forty was great too with a sense of convergence.
But fifty-ish.

The trajectory of the life of faith, I like to teach, is upward, with smaller dips throughout. I still believe that is true because God is just ahead, and beside and within me. But the 'feels' don't agree.

I tire more easily.
No thanks to menopause, the little hormones are enjoying their display of disproportionate influence.
My soul seems more sensitive to emotional temperature changes. In other words, I find myself a little more volatile, which I don't like.

Physical stamina and well-being can be strengthened, and that is the plan with my exercise and diet.
Menopause has to be accepted and everyone duly warned. Taking more soy also seems to help.

But - what's up soul?

You are supposed to be huge and strong. Look at all the good food you have been fed. You have weathered much. You are taken care of. So, why these shudders? Surely you are not afraid?

I now see that growing older makes one both stronger and weaker.

We grow stronger because we have braved the inevitable storms of life, and if we have processed them well, we have grown muscles of grace and truth.

The obvious weakness is physical. But because we are an integrated being, sometimes that weakness, including for women, emotional weakness from hormonal circus-play, can wire into our souls.It's not as easy to hold steady at the helm. The weakness is more apparent than the strength when getting out of bed is a small feat with those noisy joints.

The conclusion we arrive at mostly is to pare down, step back, do less.

Perhaps not.

If we are not careful, this could lead to a huge waste of all of our hard-won battles.

Street wisdom says work hard, then enjoy. Even the Christian buys into this. We look forward to a life of retirement and ease. Blessed are those with the means to stay healthy, travel and serve at leisure is the attitude.

Entire battalions of capable warriors and even generals are lost. We don't want to appear as old fools who are still hamming on about dreams of a better way. We don't want to helm anything because it's time to relax and let the younger ones have a go.

I want to issue a call to my soul and yours (especially if it is also a fifty-ish one) to step out into the Light. Be Unafraid. Brace yourself. Believe in those dreams.

Sol Marrades, Spring Moon

Not to be the twenty-something you once were.
But the fifty-something you now are. 

You see, there is a reason why our dreams did not happen that we have to muster the courage to face: we went about it all wrong.

Before you argue or retreat in dread, listen to this too: we will get it wrong. In our youthful zeal, with our baggage from our families of origins, in our performance-oriented culture, we think dreams are baked in an oven: get the formula, follow it to a tee, knead it and bake it and mark it with a D for done.

Our dreams, worth dreaming, are way beyond us. They are longings that point us to a vast hinterland we have not visited, a way of living we are not familiar with, a Kingdom, a Narnia.

Niklas Gustafsson, Duality

This is what it means to step out into the Light. Get out from that stuffy *wardrobe filled with old stuff and breathe an air so crisp it thrills the senses. Get down on your knees and ask forgiveness for messing up and get up to dream and reign.

Where to dream and reign you may ask?

Adam and Eve had their garden of Eden (ok they botched it).
You and I have our own gardens to tend to. Our homes, our jobs, our ministry are the contexts for dreams.

God never told A&E (sounds about right, haha) to do a job to prove they have what it takes and then He will come check in on their performance later. No, God walked with them in the cool of the day. How cool! You and I can look to God to talk with us, hear our cries, bear the sorrows of our losses and longings. Our every step is the shaping of dreams. The shattered pieces become mosaic that is the potential of a new design and pattern emerging.

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;

    you make my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

    surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

    even at night my heart instructs me. ~ Psalm 16

I remind my shuddering soul. Yes, you feel the weakness. But don't forget the strength. Strength that comes from faith muscles used in repeat interval training. But more than that, as these words of the Psalm tell us:

The substance of the soul is a Person. It is not ideas, experiences, spiritual gifts. It is the encounter, the experience, and the intimacy of The LORD that defines us as Christians. God provides, maintains and sustains our identity and is our security.

It is a relationship that is lived out in our earthly, daily, often ho-hum existence where we find "lines". the limits and liabilities of our lives, our choices and our decisions. I admit that growing older, I have fought harder against those lines. But when I pull back and accept that they are the boundaries that both keep me in and keep stuff out, and that God wants to enjoy my little puny life in this small space, I have to say it is a delightful inheritance. Amazing Marvel of Marvels that God would find it cool to be part of my shuddering existence!


I have been pulling out all my dreams and talking them over with God. I am waiting for fresh eyes to see because I know that in my dreaming and working all crazy hard, I have many times worked myself and others into a tight space and not a garden.

I am talking with God about dreams that seem to be taking on new forms as I remember that God is the Dream Giver and the One that fulfills them.

I am making notes of dreams being resurrected and I have no idea how to proceed.

You may find yourself growing weaker.
Maybe your are grieving some dreams that now seem impossible.
Or things are so 'abnormal' you don't even think you are entitled to dream.

Step out into the Light. Lay hold of the Substance of your soul. Join me, let's grow stronger from the soul out, to dream and reign like we were meant to.



*from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

Why letting go is so hard, and what your soul needs in 2018

It's hard to let go. Even with events that we anticipate and desire, we can struggle too with the changes as they happen:

Child starting school
Daughter seeing someone
A new job assignment, even location
An emptying nest
Getting married

No matter what we envision it to be and how detailed we are in our preparations, there are often still surprises. Some of these good things come with a sense of loss. Sometimes, they turn out quite differently from what we expected (cue 'happily ever after' music).

We are creatures that plan, work and build, and we are told to succeed. This makes it really hard to let go.

It's even harder to let go and move on when new experiences and scenarios occur, sometimes suddenly and it feels random:

Retrenchment
Finding out that someone has betrayed you
Being attacked online
Sudden loss of a loved one

We are thrust into a situation we neither desire, plan or welcome. It is hard to let go of the security, safety and familiarity when we suddenly have to grapple with this new development. We will long for things to be as before, fight the changes, go through denials, and even find ourselves in a valley with depressive moods lingering nearby to overtake us. We want answers, justice, a 'darn good reason' for why this is happening to me at this time.

I am particularly concerned for the young lady who went to the US on a family trip and will now have to travel home all alone as the rest all perished in a tragic accident on the highway. Her entire world has fallen apart. So much loss. (Do pause and lift a prayer for her).

It's now the second day of a new year.

If you are feeling afraid, unprepared, or nervous, your soul is crying out for attention. You are unable to let 2017 go.

The soul is a shy and vulnerable part of us that needs security and protection in order to flourish and so energize us. 

On the last day of 2017, I set down with my journal and three questions emerged:

What do I care most about?
How am I doing?
Where am I headed?

My soul seems nervous and in need of some answers. 2017 had been a frenzied year that needed a frame and a sense of closure if I were to be able to let it go and welcome the new year.

I know full well that I cannot fool my soul or myself with a pick-me-up line, "it's all fine". I needed to listen to my soul and take care of it. An unsettled and restless soul translates into a tense body, a defensive mindset and a lack of reciprocity with God. It's hard to receive and to bless when the soul is clenched.

Sometimes, we get tired that the soul seems to be asking us the same stuff. This reminds me of how God asked Adam and later his son Cain, "what's up?". Surely God knows. But the question is not to seek information, it is to offer transformation.

Transformation happens when we brave it and dive down deeper and not stay at the surface. It involves making the right connections, observing our emotional state, and rehearsing the truth we embrace.

The right connections
The easiest and quickest connection is superficial. The first man looked at his situation and blamed the only other person around. That was not the right connection. He needed to look within and admit that he lacked the conviction, faith and muscle to stand on God's word and choose obedience.

He needed repentance, not a rebuttal. But alas he chose the latter.

We are more prone to sin, blame and dodging than we admit. If we will not see this clearly for what it is, we can at best improve our behaviour, and that may fall apart when times get really hard.

What do you need to own up to?

Our emotional state
Feeling a lot and feeling just a little are both emotional states that are indicators of what is going on deeper within. Sometimes, feeling a little can really be a way to self-protect from the fear of disappointment and failure. It takes courage to admit that we want some thing really badly.

If Adam had gone to God and said that he really wants to try that fruit, and then, yields that desire to God, he story will be totally different. After all, desires are a part of the way God made us. Unlike Buddhism that teaches that desires are illusory, Christianity charges us to lay hold of our desires, cleanse them of the bits that are merely self-serving and turn them into ways that love and serve others.

What are the top 1-2 desires that are always floating around in your heart?

Rehearse the truth
The soul can distinguish between the truth and a pep talk. As I sat and reviewed my journal, my soul was informed of the events I had journeyed through and the emotions and convictions I had formed along the way. My mind had forgotten so much of it (thank God for the journal!), but the soul was smiling along as I read.

I anchored on some Scripture I had recorded in my journal and read them slowly again. A deep satisfaction and peace came over me. The questions I began with did not feel as urgent anymore. I had answers to them, although not in the form of a plan or a strategy.

That's when I realized afresh what my soul was doing. The questions it posed set me in the right direction and primed me to reflect in a particular way.

In the end, I was not asked to prove or establish that my achievements or my foresight. Rather, I needed to remember that my journey, though filled with surprises and at times pain, is a meaningful one and the purpose of God for me is ripening in my long obedience. Above all, the soul wants me to be secure and brave in knowing that I do not walk by myself, ever.


On the final few days of 2017, I cleaned out my desk and set up a new calendar. That's the desk. Real life however is much more a continuation. But we can continue in our fear, restlessness, resentment or weariness, or we can pay attention to our soul and continue stronger and clearer.

Take time to listen to your soul, make the right connections, find your emotions more rested and anchor your mind on truths you know.


Related reads:
From 'other' to 'another', spotting God's wide mercies
Don't lose your 'ask-ability' and don't lose sight of God
The power of a soul's shape
A small soul shift can be seismic

My 2017 best-thoughts about life, parenting, church...

It's Monsoon season in the tropics, with plenty of rainfall. This means a pretty low season for getting out to the beach. So we headed did that for two reasons. One, it's always more restful to avoid the crowds, and secondly, the son had written in his list of post-exam delights, a visit to a beach. I know Singapore is an island, but our beaches aren't very pleasant. The sand is coarse, it's really humid, and when you look at the horizon, all you see are cargo ships which isn't a pretty sight. So, we drove the nearly two hours towards the East Coast of Malaysia to Desaru and checked ourselves into a space that was (I found out later) recently renovated. God mercifully gave us a good bit of sunshine and held the rain back so we could be at the beach. The kids read on swings hung from large tree branches or on the deck chairs.

But after a while, we simply could not resist the call of the wind and the waves. We aren't exactly sun and surf beings, but the waves' insistent pounding on the beach with its roar, beckoned us to venture towards the bit of South China Sea right at our feet.

First, we gingerly walked around the edges where the water reached the shore. Then we jumped into the waves. Then we sat on the beach and waited for the waves to come and crash us over! A slow submission to the forces of created order.

O my, what fun!

Will it be a large, strong wave that will knock us over?
How far out should we try to walk out?
Is it a good idea to perch on this rock and wait to be awashed with sea water?

There is something thrilling about being in nature and having a sport with it. Some of the most luminous pictures and writing have come to us from men and women who did not see nature as resource or entertainment, but as a world to enter in, investigate, relish and respond to.

There was something primal, basic, and simple to our joy at wave-play.

Now as I am contemplating my year soon ending, the year ahead and what to write, the memory of the waves returns to me and I smile.


This image though is of a gentler wave.

The kind that grows with the wind and momentum and then slows as it approaches shore, landing as a gentle crest on the sand. This kind of wave will not catch or knock anyone over who had their backs turned. It will not threaten to drag anyone who was playing idly by the shore out to sea. It comes in and softly caresses the shore, leaving it smoother and cleaner.

This is what I hope to do in this post. Be a gentle wave.

There is so much on my heart and in my head as the year draws to a close. Most years past, I have written about the Hope of  New in a New Year. But somehow, this year, that's not forthcoming.  Instead, I want to offer some of my thoughts this year about several subjects that always occupy me, and perhaps they occupy you too.

So this blog is about the wind and forces of God this year - in my thoughts. As a person with an active mind, I always have some new and unfinished thinking going on. I confess that they aren't always what I call 'high, holy or happy' - the ditty I used to help my son apply Philippians 4v8:

"... brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things"

We like to think that our thoughts are private, shy or secretive affairs. But they aren't. Although no one can read our minds or really tell our thoughts, they become public eventually because thoughts are the words and actions that are waiting to emerge. Indeed, the world is constantly shaped by thoughts that are being communicated, often without the actual articulation of the thought.

A relationship isn't going anywhere because the thoughts about it aren't.
That problematic situation doesn't improve because the thoughts about it are unchanged.
A dream doesn't transpire because the thoughts have not moved from ideal to action.

We are able to think ourselves into traps, corners and caves. I have enough thought experience by now that I can rather quickly tell of I am following a thought down a trail that is dark and disabling. Some lead to familiar trails that seem comfortable but are really discouraging and lead to a miry bog. When these happen, it usually ends up that I speak and act and serve muddy pies rather that life-giving delights.

Humans are presumably the only creatures in Kingdom Animaliae that can examine our thoughts.

So I want to learn to think my thoughts in God's grand presence. This means taking my thoughts to the Light and letting what is really happening be revealed. At times I have to question a thought that comes and then decide if I will bother with it. At other times, the synapses fire away so quickly, I have to check it against His Word and allow his forces of truth and grace to chisel away so that the edifices they become are more noble than otherwise.

So here are some of my hopefully, Light-infused thoughts on several subjects close to my heart.

I am writing this for myself. As you read it, I hope it works like a gentle wave that comes upon you and leaves your heart and mind feeling better. You are welcome to share it, highlighting the bits you found useful or meaningful.


A] 'Perfect' Parenting

A young adult who teaches Secondary School was talking with me about parenting. She concedes that it is really hard in a society like Singapore where we have been raised on a narrative of "win or lose it all". For the longest time, the older generation of politicians have been telling us how vulnerable we are, the need to plug into the world and be open to the gales of change, how we need to keep paddling to stay afloat. Socially, this has spurned the famous kiasu culture, where there is a fear of losing out. In a largely consumer world, this tallies nicely with another set of value: "get the most for whatever you pay". Successful bargains and great deals are a point of pride.... "Only forty dollars!"

No wonder parenting is so tough.

We need to capture and maximise our child's potential. We must not lose out, but have to grab all those opportunities. We have to get to that mega sale. Did that article say 'prebiotic'?

All of it requires energy, time, and money. The last one itself, money, requires substantial time and energy to generate! It will be great if we can decide that one enrichment class, a birthday party and a new outfit during Chinese New Year were enough. But we don't know where the finishing line is. New products and classes are always been advertised.

Yet deep in our souls, we still feel like we owe our children something. We simply cannot ensure their happiness or their success. Many women also struggle with mom-guilt at being away from home due to work.



We are driven by fear.

The funny thing is, children are happy when life has a structure and the parents are happy. It's really quite simple. But we have buried this simple thing under layers and layers of needs, demands, expectations and discontent. Our fears and worries do not a happy home or child make!

Things tend to atrophy when not actively tended to (fires die down, interest wanes, muscles weaken), then someone must take charge to build up the children and that includes building a home that has structure and peace.

That aside, 'perfect' parenting can happen if we stick to one other simple rule: respond to the child you have, not the one you wished you have. We are called to raise our children, not our dreams.

At some point, our kids will challenge our proud parent moments and make them feel like so much empty froth. They don't like to read, struggle to sit still, soil their pants at five, are awkward and shy, aren't athletic, have a fear of the water, gag on their vegetables. This is before they are a bundle of angst, question your authority and integrity, sulk and talk back!

I think the perfect parent is the one who will take a step back and look realistically at the situation, find strength in God, say "this too is a gift", and courageously head on to deal with it patiently and sacrificially.

Being child-centric is not creating a world that revolves around the child's whims and tantrums. It is a commitment to get to know your child and build a world that supports his humanity and his growth as a person first, then some possible talent or occupation. Being child-centric actually requires us to be family-centric too, for a child by design, is born into a system and thrives when the system is functional and healthy.



B] 'Perfect' church

Phil and I are very privileged to be friends with, and work with so many churches in Singapore and a few in the region. It gives us insights and a bird's eye view of things.

The church in Singapore has seen growth in the last few decades but now confront some serious challenges. We are seeing a generational divide as the millennials grow up in a vastly different world than us. Some are disenfranchised with the church. New churches have sprung up. We have serious cultural and theological conundrums, from gender issues to family discipleship.

They used to say that if you do the same things, you get the same results. I suspect that if we do the same things, we may not get any results.

It is time to consider our ways, examine our philosophy and broaden our understanding.

The church is in need of renewal.

We need to find a way for people to encounter God, to dig the Word, to be embedded in community, to be exercised in meaningful engagement with society. We need to create a way for leadership development and succession and mission expressions that are more organic. We need champions for each of this. Yet, we need a way that won't see us running all over the place, with loyalties and commitment stretched too thin to really matter.

We need brave men and women and institutions who will confront the tough stuff, and thankfully we do have them!

Online realities have emboldened many to share emotional wounds, and we  need a way for those who are seeking and are hurt to find healing. It's hard to start over in a new community, yet this is exactly what is needed. We need to help our people be more resilient and accepting of the tough stuff of community, including embracing those who need a great deal of care and patience before they turn a corner and mature.

We are being challenged to stop turning to programs, and to start being the people of God.

Seeking our definition as as people will be an ongoing journey. Our identity is lived out in context. We are loving, pure, gracious, Christlike as we respond to our situations. Our calling and impact too is worked out in context. Hence the tendency we have to hark back to a time where the church was pristine is a rather immature approach. We can and must certainly examine Scripture to see the qualities that the first disciples had. Their radical faith, courage, commitment and witness must be our compass. We need to ask how these qualities of the faith-life are to be nurtured and lived out today in our settings.

The people of God is a fascinating mix of maturity, talents, convictions and expressions. Our unity and one-ness is found in the deeper regions of the mystery of our faith: that Christ has saved us and lives in us. It is this one Christ that is our unity. Today, there is much to divide the people of God. The LGBTQ issue, Israel, Trump, and I hear of old wars regarding hymns and choruses being revisited! Let's face it, centrifugal forces are always at work. The faster we spin, the easier we fly outwards, away from centre and each other.

We need to stop being slaves to efficiency, quick answers and fast solutions.

If a plant has a sore, is a little shaky or has suffered, we do not drown it with more water, overwhelm it with fertilizer or simply re-pot it. It is needing some tender, loving care. That is exactly what the head of the church wants to do. He needs many husbandman who are willing to be his eyes, mouth, hands and feet.


C] 'Perfect' Peace

Soul, are you well?

This question can feel like an invitation, an interrogation or a threat. It all depends on how you hear it.

The person who must measure up feels a threat, suggesting he does not.
The person who has been dodgy feels like he is being searched.
The person who knows that he is welcome and his soul is a treasure hears tenderness.

The shape and texture of our Christianity matters.

Some are habitually thankful, some are constantly worrying, some are like yo-yo's. But of course we only see what's apparent. I am mostly thankful, but I do worry, and emotionally I have my yo-yo moments for sure.

During a personal retreat, I decided to do a little artwork. The first thing that I wanted on the paper was a thick red line. Not usually one given to invoke the blood of Christ, I found myself somehow relating that line to the blood that was shed for my salvation. Along and around the line, I drew trails and paths I had taken. Some seem pretty straightforward, some meandered and plunged and one or two thinned out because I had no idea where they led. It seemed the thick red line flowed right through it all and in a way called it all back and held it all.

This is peace - that He holds the pieces.

Since I keep forgetting this truth, I need to remind my soul often of it. But it's not a mind-over-matter exercise, because in the end, our minds really do matter because they have several tendencies that can undermine us. We like to think the same thoughts, it's comforting for us. So worries begat worries. We seek out information that confirms what we think, again it's comforting for us. So doubts and suspicion are easily reinforced.

So simply to tell ourselves to quit worrying is like trying to speak gently into a swell. There's an entire chorus going on in our heads that will drown out our good intentions and earnest declarations.

In my upcoming book, I will share how silence is the key to disrupt our minds and lay out new tracks for our thought-trains. But because we awake with thoughts and basically never really stop thinking, the Bible has called us to be intentional about what we think on. With that, I end this piece on my thoughts, about thoughts:

In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. (Good News Bible)

Consider the fruit of this over time, for your family life, your church, and the state of your soul. May we be more perfect* in 2018!



*perfection is a Wesleyan theological idea, of being made more like Christ.