The First Christian Podcast in Singapore, possibly

Let me guess. You have experienced this:

You pause and you wonder ... why?
You face a new challenge and you ask... is this really the way?
You are dog-tired and your heart whispers.. what options are there?

Questions. We all have them. As rational beings, we want answers. This is why there will be no end to "the making of books" as the sage reminds us.

There are questions when left un answered, probably won't impact or define our lives significantly:

why did the chicken cross the road
what's the next big ice-cream flavour
who is cranking up the new fried chicken wave
when is the next blockbuster and what will it be about

But there are questions that can suck the life out of us if we don't grapple with them, even if we may not arrive at a completely knowable answer, such as

Did Jesus really rise from the dead?
Does God actually have anything to say about work and how I manage my finances?
What do I do with my motley and at times morose emotions?
Is faith and science in conflict?
What is church, really?

Come March, join me in a fortnightly Podcast where I will talk with different individuals, share stories, discern trends, explore Scriptural notions and more.

Why am I doing this?

1. God made me a talker and thinker

This podcast comes at a time when God has called me, now that my children are more grown, to pastor the city with my gifts. I have noticed that when God calls me, it often comes with a backstory that makes me chuckle at how he has prepared me. Here's the story.

When I was in Primary 1 ( yes 1!), my form teacher told me at the end of the school year that she hoped I would not be in her class the following year. I wasn't traumatised, just bewildered. I skipped off...and two months later, skipped right into her class! She put up with me for another year and triumphantly sealed my fate with these remarks in my report book: ... 'is talkative and busybody'.

As far as I can remember, I was always asking questions. I wondered about the aunties in the neighbourhood, the injections I witnessed my Indian neighbour gave herself, the rows upon rows of books in the library, and twice I was so lost in my thoughts I was hit by the swing! Two gashes to remind me not to stop in the middle of potentially dangerous movement while I got lost in my thoughts.

As a pastor, I was even labeled a firebrand for asking questions at a denominational AGM.

So I guess I am meant to do this.

2. God made us all to think

We all think, and there's plenty of fodder to fill our heads each day and there's a desperate need for correctives. There is so much politicised spiel, profit-driven messaging, destructive input...that we need to hear some good, provocative stuff to get our brains hitched to a more productive gear.

And our thoughts are really the gateway to our lives. We act because we think. We continue to act the same way because we believe (rightly or wrongly). And our thoughts can become trails, and patterns in our heads and our hearts.

So it is critical to look at our thoughts and to have fresh ones.

In one of my first sermons, about the Holy Communion, I adjured the small family congregation at All Saints that the 'unreflected life is not worth living' (that got us off to a great start as a church).

Thinking is part of our design and destiny as imago Dei. We have to think our way through to responsible stewardship of the earth, a productive life, a deepening communion with God.

This we have to do, each of us. My mother who never had any formal education, showed me that being reflective, honest and value-driven, really has little to do with any certification.


3. The nation/church maturing needs to think

We are at a powerful juncture nationally. We need to think about what kind of society we want. We need to think about how our attitudes, commitments and participation is helping or hurting the society we want.

It is a tremendous time for us as we are storyboarding for the coming generations. There have been many voices calling for us to be more thoughtful, gentle, resilient, united...

Equally the church needs to think. We need to decouple from being so dependent on answers (especially from the West) as we grapple with a social changes. We need to figure how intergenerational partnerships. We need to be ready to re-examine and dismantle certain things that just won't' work any longer.

At the same time, some persistent questions which we did not answer too well in the past (like, 'aiya, just believe, ask so much for what' or, 'see what Deuteronomy 29 says') require stronger answers today.

The Cathedral Podcast became a reality after Vicar Terry Wong from the Cathedral spoke to me about it in 2018. Over our meetings, another story returned to my memory. Many of you know that I go to the Cathedral grounds once a month to facilitate personal solitude. I prayed several times for this historic church to impact our city and beyond. Now it seems God is asking me to participate in the answer. So I said, 'yes'.

Join me in the Podcasts and write me with your questions! Let's think it through together - to a more vibrant, earnest and winsome faith!


The Cathedral website

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): Give them a sense of safety and security

Safety and Security?

This is Singapore! Yes, it is, and we are very grateful for the amazing degree of safety we experience here. Our children can walk to the store, take public transportation, use the school bus, visit the toilets -- once they are able, without a lurking fear of imminent danger to their lives and safety.

But there is more to safety and security.

Maslow's hierarchy places it as the very first item we need to live. Of course he was thinking of actual straw-wood-brick homes and most of us would not be struggling with this.

But there is more to safety and security.

To help us understand this need, that we all have through life, consider the following questions through the seasons:

Will I have friends?
Can I do this?
What grade will I get?
How do I know if I have done my best?
Does my colleague dislike me?
When will my boss appreciate my work?

These are real questions and concerns we have, and yet, most of us do not know who to share these concerns with or get help for them.

I imagine then that if we stretch this same concerns back to the earliest days of life, even a baby may experience such existential angst, just that all it can do is cry or fuss or fail to settle or become very clingy (wait, I know many adults who still do these!).

What can we do?

enter life, but are they ready? (Erin@Pinterest)

The phrase 'strawberry generation' was coined to refer to the kids who grew up in the 80s, but the term has stuck. Why do we have a strawberries growing in our yard? They bruise easily -- because underlying this sensitivity is a fear, an insecurity, a lack of safety. It's easy to be mad at them because they grew up in a time when we were prosperous. It feels like they turned soft and are entitled (we still say that now of the millenials). But perhaps as we consider the tips below, we will see how we indeed can raise such a generation when we are not careful.


For infants - 
have a stable routine, have a safe, clean, peaceful home environment where her needs are attended to as soon as possible. You cannot spoil an infant. Shuttling an infant between homes, keeping them up and tiring them out is a bad idea unless you enjoy a cranky child.
Infants come with genetic dispositions and some are more sensorial, sensitive and easily startled even. A good clue to this is to look at yourself and some close relatives. There is no point in complaining, just embrace that you chose to pass some genes down!

The good news is a secure child, with strong bonds (see previous post) becomes more teachable and resilient which makes growth and change more welcome. Thanks to neuroplasticity and the power of prayer, genetic dispositions are only half the story.


For children - 
stay within the safe zone for what fills their young minds and hearts. This means take your fights outside the home (yes, nearly impossible, but worth the attempt. Have date nights to keep track of your souls). This means be proactive about reading and watching good material with them.

A foundational quest of all children is to know if the world is safe, and if there are adults who will be there for them. Be with them and teach them how to navigate life in real-time. I am sorry that unlike work, children cannot process things with you at the end of the day. They just cannot live by an agenda like that. They have to learn what think, have words for their feelings, understand that they can overcome their own natural compulsions (to snatch that toy). Just saying "no", "it's wrong", or worse, labeling them "why you so selfish" is not helping them feel safe enough to grow.

Another area is to discipline your conversation. If you go complaining about everyone, bad-mouthing every authority, dissing others, or discussing apocalyptic news where your own fears are leaking, the child will find the world a scary place and will be inhibited from exploring its treasures. Young children can handle some of the stuff in the world and if they are at school, they will get to hear of it. But I can still remember how once when we were talking about ISIS, that my son grew suddenly very quiet. Unlike my daughter who is more logical, he is a creative and tends to be very graphical. I realised I needed to consider what purpose lay behind the discussion of world news and beware if they were ready to handle it.

Never give a child a smartphone with internet access. Install parental controls. You see, before the internet era, children had fears about imaginary ghosts, the fierce uncle or the weird person in the neighbourhood. All of these can be managed with a clear reminder from an adult or with the presence of an adult. With the internet, a child is standing on a highway with traffic coming from all directions! All they need to do is google. If you are not there, and you have told them to go to the internet for answers, they will, and a little information is a dangerous thing. They can learn nearly any wicked thing there.

I remember that when my children were less then eight, I banned the word 'stress' from my household. It's true we feel stressed, but it's so easy to become a shorthand they can use to escape from thinking harder about what they are feeling, and it tempts them to magnify their difficulties so that they are less likely to overcome them. Adults alas routinely use it as a cop-out.


For Teens -
You won't want to hear this, but teens consider us a kind of threat. Please don't get upset. If you pray for a jolt in memory, you will realise you felt the same. Teens need to explore their identity, and it requires them to challenge us. If our bond with them is good, it sits beneath all the storms like a safety net, so it's ok.

Teens feel unsafe and insecure when they cannot get answers. They also feel that way when they are socially inept. The antidote to this is extremely hard for parents at this point: we must not just love them, we must like them. Hard it is - we miss our cherubic younguns, they are hard to talk to, manage, relate with... yet - we have to look past their hormonal surges, changing bodies, voices and sucky attitudes to the person we always loved and always will.

My best ideas for this: cook their favourite food, keep up the hugs, have that regular awkward meal with them, welcome their friends home, find an activity you can do together and give them space to chill.

Teens are literally doing battle each day with their self-image, performance, friendships, infatuation, expectations laid on them, God... it is a tiring season of life. They will choose distraction any time. Yet they have to confront these issues in a way that is kind to themselves. Help them make their own choices and experience the consequences with them. This is to prepare them for life. Also, as a parent, sometimes the best thing you can do is to surround them with other young adults and adults.

judy foo

"He will be the sure foundation for your times,

    a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;

    the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure" ~ Isaiah 33v6

"Do not tremble, do not be afraid.

    Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago?

You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me?

    No, there is no other Rock; I know not one." ~ Isaiah 44v8

The bedrock of all stability and safety is God Himself. 

I don't have all the answers.
I get lazy.
I am inconsistent.
I struggle with my own insecurities, doubts and fears.


So I model for the children that there can be safety and security - because God is real and living, active and working in my life.

So I gather them for prayer, family devotions, Advent and Lent - because a deep well is needed for such parches times.

So I talk to them and pray with them as they leave the home, when we snuggle in bed, when the doors finally open after they were slammed shut.

So I pray for them and record the God immortal, always wise, coming to save us and help us feel safe again.

And this song comes to me:


Immortal Invisible - hymn background & contemporary version

Immortal Invisible trad hymn version


God loves you and your parenting journey.
God loves your children.
And He is Strong, and Safe to go to.


Further reads:
PSLE!
Those Tough Teen Years

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): Take Care To Do These, You Must.

Every parent-child relationship is unique.

Yet all relationships thrive with the same basic ingredients.

Last year at the launch of my first children's book The Seed From Heaven, some twenty eager children, confirmed this for me as they raced to answer my question:

What makes a seed grow?

Yes they all knew - sunshine, water, fertilisers. Care. A Source that gives.

Last night I asked everyone around the dinner table to talk about their average day. Predictably, we all talked about the tasks and the events. As if we are nothing but functionaries. Yea, do you feel it too, that our conversations revolve around tasks, functions, timings? Then when you hit a pause, you feel this vast emptiness or a breathlessness? And before you can examine it, the next thing is screaming for attention?

So we move on from task to task, often not quite clear about the Why, and at times, weariness and even resentment builds up. And our best coping mechanism is to turn to our screens for distraction.


An educator shared with me how teenagers in Singapore when asked about what mattered to them, how they felt about certain things, who they deeply connect with, struggled to give coherent, convincing responses. Most of them quizzically asked if there was a 'right' answer!

Folks, we are

Feeling
Thinking
Acting

beings. But mostly, we Act (pun intended), and we do so without enough sensitivity to our environment: how the person is feeling, how many things we are managing at one time, what are the real costs involved (besides monetary), who may be affected in the longer-term, what is being heard and imbibed?

In Singapore (and it's spreading), when we tend to make simple equations eg. hard work = good grades, we can lose sight of so much and really mess up!

With hindsight, now that my children are 18 and 13, I believe that if we are to raise proper persons, fullsome beings, there are 5 things we must do. 5 areas we must become adept at. They aren't easy. We can protest that no one did these for us. We say 'there's no guarantee anyway'. But friends, parenting isn't easy. It's the one job you can't put a price tag on. You will tear your hair out at times, cry, be sleep deprived. worry silly... If it requires so much of us anyway, let's use the energy and make the sacrifices count!

We each have only so much energy in a day. I challenge my fellow parents to use it wisely and prudently. With your energy, would you spend it posting on Fb, creating Insta, shopping for deals, or developing your parenting wisdom and muscle? Learn to master these 5, you won't regret it.


#1 Build Emotional Bonds
I still remember asking a childcare teacher why the toddler was crying. She replied, "I don't know, she likes to cry". So I shot back, "Do you like to cry? There is always a reason."

What does an infant, a toddler, a primary school kid, a teen, an adult have in common? Emotions. The full range of it. It's just that we have to be taught the words for them, what they mean and how to master them so that they serve us.

The only way to do this is to acknowledge the emotions, connect with it and help them make sense of it. And even the infant can get this - and this is how you bond.

Emotions are ferocious things. Even adults get into tailspins from them. Affairs? Misdemeanour? Road Rage? Yup, those emotions kicked started them all.

An infant who is soothed, rocked, kissed, spoken to gently will not grow up afraid of her emotions. With each growth stage, we can teach vocabulary, coping strategies, communication skills.

You are feeling sad (to a two year old)
Tell me why are you sad (to a five year old)
What do you feel like doing when you feel this sad? (to a teen)
What is sadness really, what does it point to? (to a young adult)

The seat is saved for you, mom//dad!

When our emotions are not acknowledged, we don't connect. Cue the wife who says ruefully, "he never listens, just want to jump to a solution". Or the boss? Yes, we get it. We long for connection, to be understood, not to be fixed.

This is so foundational and so critical as connection creates a safety net.

Emotional connection is developed in myriad ways. There is a reason why the human baby is so helpless compared with all other animals. Your hug, hand-holding, pat on the back, look in the eye, gentle words, everyday things you do for them...tells the child he is not all alone in this vast and scary universe.  It tells him there is a home base he can return to after he has explored, attempted or failed.This is why it is so important not to let the maid (if you have one) do the work of caring for your child. It is easy to see feeding, diaper changing, rocking to sleep, bathing as mere chores. They are not. They are means of communicating love, affection, care, security. They say, "Your needs are valid. You are important enough for me to stop and meet your need. I want you to be clean, safe, satisfied.". They are opportunities to connect.

image from SingaporeMotherhood

Without these, parents can turn into administrators, finance officers and disciplinarians! How many of us feel a happy connection with these?

Parents, you are the real home your child needs.   


I remember that Dove once did an advertisement where they asked moms and maids questions about their young children. There was a huge outcry when the videos revealed that it was the maids who could answer

what is your child's favourite food
who is your child's best friend
what TV program does your child like to watch

I can understand the many reasons mothers go out to work and so forth. But what a sad commentary, and I fear that there may be a greater outcry later when the kids pull away from the parents or when the relationships remain largely functional and shallow.

Without oversimplification, we can see several social trends that may well be related: working women, increased anxiety in children, families characterised by stress, parents who are suing their children for neglect.

We do reap what we do
What goes round, comes round.

Fear is a bad motivator, so I prefer to tell you this: truth, fun, silliness, and authenticity characterise my relationship with my children. We are drawn to each other. There is enough safety for us to talk about our fears and flaws. As much as I pray for them, they know they can and must pray for me. We look forward to family meals and times away together. They still fight to share the bed with me. I have grown in stature and strength, wisdom and wit. I am thriving professionally.

I did not grow up with much of this. We were poor and heart-to-heart conversations were hard when your parent speaks mostly a dialect while you are more conversant in English. But I have a rich bond with my mom, and now a richer one with my children. My mom modeled amazing parenting with her limits, and I have sought to be more for I have been blessed with more.

You can start by making a simple checklist:

Have I -

_ met a physical need my child has personally with a smile
_ said something affirming and kind today
_ sat with my child quietly for a few moments
_ showered physical affection
_ observed my child carefully for her growth needs
_ done something my child enjoys

My parenting years have not been easy, especially with a back injury. There have been many sacrifices. My children were so different, I had to learn two distinct parenting styles. My marriage wasn't always strong. I have  suffered traumatic losses of loved ones. Yes, there are many fronts to battle. Forging on with some clear anchors has made all the difference. And though the entire journey, I am encouraged and enabled to take the next intentional step because there is fruit - every step of the way, and now, there is a maturing of that fruit. I look forward to the days ahead!


Your journey will be different, but the basic ingredients are the same dear fellow parent.


Please share your thoughts, and help me think stronger with any questions you have in the comments.

Watch for the next post on #2: provide a sense of safety and security: are we rich?
To be sure you don't miss it, fill in your email on the right, and the post will be in your Inbox when I post it - the wonders of technology to serve us :)


And by the way, this is how the Bible describes those who turn to God in faith:

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, 

that we should be called children of God! 

~ 1 John 3v1