You Are the Best Parent(s) for your child(ren): #4 Let them grow you

Recently I came across an article about Toxic Parenting.

'Toxic' seems to be the word of choice these days: toxic BGR, toxic workplace etc.... It's a harsh word, and I want to avoid it -

"containing or being poisonous... capable of causing death or serious debilitation"
 "extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful"

But alas, I have seen that humans are capable of being toxic. We may not murder a child but we can certainly kill their aspirations. We may not set out to be malicious, but being careless with our words and often too tired to really listen, we can do serious hurt to their souls. We may even set up life to veer them towards success or protect them from heartache only to find that we have hurt rather than helped them.


The human soul is fragile, vulnerable and invincible all at once.

We just need to know when it is which - and respond appropriately.

Much has been said about allowing them to develop according to their pace, and meting out expectations and consequences that fit their age and behaviour. But there is a piece that is often overlooked.

In order to grow under our shade, we need to be a growing tree ourselves.

pics from TreeNation

One form of toxicity in parenting that happens commonly, especially in Asian families is the 'father knows best', 'mother has it all under control' mantra. This form of parenting can occur quite subconsciously in a few ways:

- we are too busy to really listen and discuss things over with our children
- we are too impatient with the issues which feel unimportant to us, so we brush them off
- we are nervous that we don't have an answer, so we offer one too soon

A vivid way to see this happening is what I call the distraction tactic that so many use. When a young child fusses, we turn to a distraction - offer them a toy, point to an invisible airplane, promise them some goody later...There is a place for this with a young toddler who may not be able to manage their impulses. But some parents continue to use this even as the child grows! We change the subject, take them shopping, plan a vacation.... all the while, the pain point is not addressed.

Adults always think we are rather done with growing up, and fixate on not growing old. 

In truth, each of us is such a complex being that there are always areas and facets of us that need to mature. We may hold a post-graduate degree but be pretty infantile about some matters. We may run a successful business but struggle with anger outbursts. We may even be a religious leader but go weak in the knees when we have to manage a conflict.

This is where the children come in so wonderfully.

They grow us in generosity when we save the best piece of chicken for them.
They grow us in simplicity as we embrace the humdrum of simple days in their earliest years.
They grow us in patience when we have to repeat the same instruction which seems to slide off their teen teflon brains
They grow us in character when we have to help them navigate choices that are right for them.
They grow us in clarity when we watch as our cherished dreams come crashing as their unique personalities blossom.
They grow us in grit when we have to be the adult and model the behaviour we want to see in them.

They also grow us in courage when we may have to stand up for them and with them.
They also grow us in faith when we recognise that our parenting season has a limit, and we have to wait to see the full flower in years to come.
The list goes on...

How has your child(ren) grown you?

One thing I like to do on their birthdays is to thank them for how they are helping me to grow. The very first time I did it, their eyes were like saucers, surprised as they were that they have agency and can impact another life!

There is in fact a perfect listing of life virtues, traits of Christ that goes like this:

BibleStudyTools

- and you tell me that your children don't present you the opportunity to grow in these!

In fact, which one of these is wanting to develop in you right now?


In order to let your child(ren) grow you, 2 things are needed:

1. accept your child

Not a single one of us is totally satisfied with our child(ren). I regret to inform you that this is a no-return policy! We love to play games guessing who was responsible for what gene component, which seems somewhat harmless when they are two and we want to know where the curly hair came from. But soon enough, we are talking about personality traits, habits and even automatic responses that trouble and upset us.

To just get a glimpse of my journey with these surprises, you can check these out:

When You Don't Feel Very Confident
When Your Kid Marches To A Different Drum And You Feel Beat

Thankfully, we are more than a bundle of nerves predetermined by our genes. There is the power of prayer and nurture to both call forth and even reverse genetic predispositions! In this, our children present us ongoing opportunities to grow as we search our hearts for what to pray and how to nurture.

The God of the generations marvelously sets us up to grow into and with each other. I winced when I see parents wishing their kids were different and inadvertently convey that!

If you find your child difficult, it means you expect something easier. Question that expectation. Then dig into your soul and pray for your heart to shift. The tussle must give way to a dance, for dancing is what brings momentum, joy and movement.


2. acknowledge your fears

FOMO much? Yes! I am afraid we live in an age of anxiety now. If you use distraction (shopping, socialising, travel) to avoid confronting your own fears, you really won't have much to cushion or process the fears of your children. I regret to inform you this factoid: coitus means you are an adult. Our world has made pleasure such an idol and narrowed its vision to a self-seeking version, that all forms of responsibility seem devoid of pleasure, which is a lie.

There is a satisfaction and quiet joy that comes from doing what is right, staying the course, being the adult.

But those fears, they will sneak up on you. Like the good adult you are, turn and say, "I call your bluff".

To be fair, we can have rational, legitimate fears, like Math (haha)! These too we must face and deal with. I am never going to be a Math whiz, but my children have certainly seen me nearly die trying!

What Kind of Tree Are You?  ~FreePik

I grew up in an era when we thought that the best thing we could do for our parents was study hard and get a great job. When I sensed God call me to become a pastor (what my mom considered a poor church mouse), her heart was quite broken, as was mine. The future of security and financial enjoyment I felt was the repayment for her sacrifice and love for me vanished.

But God shifted both our hearts in this matter.

Her mother love overcame her disappointment. My filial love made me determined to set up a savings account for her. In a sovereign tick-tock moment, my mother openly and cheerily said she was ready to go to church and was baptised within a few months. Our bond of human blood was thickened and strengthened by the Saviour's. We were now able to talk about many more matters, and pray together. We were looking in the same direction towards our eternal hope.

My mother did not have a chance to go to school. She grew up with great deprivation, even toxicity by our standards. But in the amazing Providence of God, she had a quality that shone: she allowed us to grow her. Instead of diminishing her authority or influence, we knew she stood her ground where certain values were concerned (I had cane marks to prove it), while at the same time, being willing to interact with our crazy growth journeys by accommodating and adjusting her schedule, priorities and resources around us. She was reliable but not rigid. She was committed but not controlling. She was encouraging but not enmeshed.

She was our oak of righteousness, and we had such a sense of safety and contentment under her large shade.

She showed us that life comes with hard things and we are not to run.
She showed us that a growth mindset primes us to overcome and succeed.
She showed us that one can always keep growing up, even as one grows older.


So yes, 5 things you must do as a parent. It's not the best childcare centre, not the cord blood, not the vacation...it is:

#1 build emotional bonds
#2 provide safety and security
#3 build competence
#4 let them grow you

and watch for the last one: I won't reveal what it is yet...

Celebrating Hope Together (and a podcast!)

Perhaps you share some of my initial reactions to the idea of a rally where Christians gather in the nation's only and massive stadium...for evangelism.

“Can we, really fill the stadium...with friends?”
“Mass things are so passe though”

These thoughts lasted a few minutes. A huge reason is because the person speaking to the few hundred of us pastors gathered for our annual prayer Summit was the Bishop of the Anglican church, a man I have huge regard for. He is known for his shining pastoral heart and prayerfulness. So I know this has nothing to do with grandeur.


Then I honestly struggled with the state of churches and Christianity in Singapore. We are far from a celebratory hope-filled people. I remember how as a young pastor I had to admonish my congregation about our obvious lack of joy, the way we come to church and leave as if by rote with low engagement and impact.

Not being a local church pastor who can rally the people, I also felt hamstrung about how to participate in this (leaders tend to think mobilisation, we can't help it).

My next huge concern was how the next generation, many of whom are now schooled in a postmodern milieu would take to this. They prefer more intimate settings which feel more authentic to them.

This in turn led to the issue of my age. For a few years now I have wondered about my role as an inter-gen person. In my fifties, and not being a senior pastor, I don’t belong to the older ranks of leaders. But I am certainly not a ‘young adult’ any more, no matter how much I feel like being a millennial trapped in a time warp, captured in this post: searching for my generation, in which I share about how the word ‘bridge’ came to mind. Clearly, I can be a bridge between the generations. I have grown up with the days of one guitar and praise songbooks, the overhead projector and cyclostyling stencil machines (you may need to google this), to donning a pager as a pastor (which my kids merrily drowned when they threw me in the pool once), and am now on social media et al.

My concerns began to be addressed!

First, there was an inter-gen session where we listened to four older brothers talk about their experience of the Billy Graham Crusade back in 1978 (I was twelve then!). All of us present witnessed the warmth between the men, two of them biological brothers… how the memories of those heady days of faith and sheer gargantuan hardwork to get a national level rally going in a mere eleven months, shone as they spoke. Most of all, all four of them still blazed with a fiery zeal for the Gospel. To say we were educated, humbled and inspired is an understatement.

(You can read about this gathering here: two generations talk about the BG crusade)


As I prayed and met with more people, I felt a genuine sense of conviciton and excitement growing.

We are not working towards an event. We are letting this vision of a people gathered in celebration catalyse us to ask hard questions, such as what is Hope to you?

As the gravity of our holy calling to seek and to love, to pray and to care dawns, may our spiritual poverty lead us to seek training, to pray, to believe afresh, and o unite deeper.

It is a beautiful journey that is propelling us towards our destiny, if we would see with eyes of humble faith.

A huge piece was this podcast conversation  with Bishop Rennis and Rev Tony Yeo. Their affable and genuine answers help capture a sense of all that God has in store for us through this! Be sure to listen.

Really, what is Hope to you?
Who around you needs Hope, and how can this Celebration be a part of sharing Hope with them?

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): #3. Build Competence

Stop and think about the things you are able to do.

Clean up after yourself
Make your way around
Find/make/cook/serve meals
Maintain hygiene
Laundry
Converse with others, even strangers
Find information
Resolve conflicts
Make plans and set goals
Self-reflect
Pray
Write

and on and on... Life requires us to have a wide range of competencies! We cannot always be there for our children, and so they must develop and master these competencies.

It's true that when they are older (assuming the Net remains relatively safe), they can learn most things from Youtube. But, they must find the impetus to learn, and there are only two ways: you desire to learn, or you get desperate. One will probably lack joy and lustre.

When it comes to helping our children to learn and master skills, there is this fine middle - it has to be a little hard or nothing new is accomplished, but it has to be do-able.


I went by the rule when the kids were little, that 'as soon as they can todd, they can tidy". Going further back, as soon as they discover their hands, they can jolly well hold their bottles, lift the spoon to their mouths and even do simple wiping.

Young children find all of this fascinating and fun, mostly. Of course, they can also get tired and frustrated if they aren't the most co-ordinated (and will most certainly give up if they are criticised!)

This is where your power as a parent comes in: you offer them the meaning by the story that you spin.

Your story will either enable them or disable them.

So clumsy

I don't have time for this mess

How old already...

are possible storylines, as are these:

This is hard for you, but we can try it again

You will get better

Your muscles will grow and you will be stronger to do this

It's alright, I can just clean this up

A sense that I am able to learn, grow, and develop competencies must undergird life, or we become inflexible, frightened and mediocre.

Even as adults, we need others to believe in us and cheer us on. We need a mentor, a good book, a promise from Scripture or a good friend to tell us we are on the right track and that we can trek through a new terrain. We need emotional boost and a sense of safety that even in failure, we won't completely crumble. (see earlier posts on #1 Emotional Bonds #2 Safety and Security).

We can think our private thoughts of panic, but as parents, we need to have enough self-control to speak upbuilding and empowering words. We won't do it perfectly, but we can do it adequately that it becomes the dominant message. After all, when they start going to school (part of a society that will measure and often give them feedback without the emotional ballast) the prevailing message will become internalized if they do not have a stronger, more embedded belief that they are able.

I wonder if this may be the reason that kids who do well at school tests and so forth, sometimes crumble when they face the occasional failure.

This leads me to another set of competencies we need to intentionally teach: the ability to be self-aware, to reflect, to choose the stories we tell ourselves, and to embed our lives onto something larger, grander and stronger.

Being self-aware requires us to let kids have space to share their thoughts and feelings with us.
Being reflective means we have to let them meander for a bit and guide them towards helpful conclusions.

When my son was bullied at school, I was naturally very upset and it was easy to stick to a story of victimhood where I basically tell him to be wary, to avoid and to report. Those bits are wise, but they are incomplete. I needed to first hear how he is processing it. This helps him to know himself, the running commentary in self-awareness. I let him share how he feels threatened, unsure, and at the same time hopping mad and wanting to get back (if he was bigger). 

Next I pull back back from his version of the story to consider other points of view: what the other student may be feeling and thinking. How teachers tend to perceive and respond to such incidences. We talked too about how God has called us to be forgiving and loving.

Finally, we talk about options and which he felt he was able to do. Then I told him what I would do for him. 

I wish I could say it did not happen again, but it did. Each time, the experience though broadly similar had unique elements. He had to learn where he was being vulnerable, how he may be attracting unwanted attention, and how to deflect them.

A few months later, at a bedtime conversation, he told me he had a plan! In his words, "I must have a group". I heard it as 'gang' (my Hokkien, poor-town background kicking in) and gasped a bit, but listened on. He realised that being isolated rendered him susceptible, and that the answer was to be proactive about making friends. It is much harder to bully someone who is moving merrily in a group! 

We thanked God for our brains and prayed for the strategy to bear fruit. 

This ability to reflect, think from various angles and come up with solutions is a critical life competency. It's good not to feel nervous about your kids when they are in new situations because you know that they can bear with stuff or make sense of it then or later.

The conversation I had which included the moral dimension was central to this. We live in a moral universe and competencies without a moral compass will not be adequate. In fact, having a sense of what is right and wrong, what is expedient and what is loving, provides the scaffold for sorting through the options. 

Payback is a human instinct. But as the old saying goes, "an eye for an eye, and the world goes blind", we cannot afford to give in to this instinct. The only way is to tutor and tame it with a moral value, a greater truth we believe in.

I want my kids to be able to navigate the world, their world.
I want them to be positive, contributing members of humanity.
I want them to love themselves and appreciate others.

They need life competencies, and it is up to me, the parent, to enable them.


Q: What competencies do you want your children to have? What is your plan to enable them?


More {click on the link to read related posts} ~

At times, we will bump up against the monster called Parental Anger, where we are hopping mad at our kids, but the anger can fizzle out and become the energy to do better.

Or perhaps we are anxious about having our kids ready for a future we cannot envision! Are our kids Future-ready? They can be, if you have these 3 Anchors for their bright future!