I am woman, hear me ... pray!

For most of my life, I have not enjoyed being a woman. 

People tell you it's the weaker sex, the manipulative, vulnerable one that listened to the snake first.

Women close to me had a hard life, making ends meet...and every page of my life i turn, i meet more of such women; like an unending sequel: more women it seems sacrifice and are taken for granted. Doesn't feel fair.

Personally I have experienced rejection and been imposed limits because of my gender (they tell me so!).

this portrait is how most women appear to me: giving and and sustaining life, lonesome and powerless

Yet -

God said He basically makes two models: male and female (and i think our definitions of these require more depth). Anyway, I grew up with very few men I admired so I don't think I want to be a man. That decision was probably sealed by the time I was fifteen or so. But it would take me many more years to uncover what a woman is about, to accept myself as one, to welcome other women and be willing to speak to groups of women, to write for women..... - and I am still finding out more!

As a writer, my search for truth and authenticity develops into articles and books of course! Here's one:
Femme Max?!

One of the things I puzzled over is whether women have a spiritual life that is different from men's.
It is no secret that throughout history, women have always been more religious than men; even though men usually hold the 'professional office'.

This led me on a journey to read about great women of the church, the women in the Bible, and just to open my eyes and see my sisters all around me. I found so much pain yet so much amazing colour, strength, and beauty.

One of my favourite readings is Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle. It is a magnificent work on the prayer life of women. She was actually asked by her male superiors to write about her prayer life in order to instruct others. Something about her must really stand out! I must add I was drawn to her after hearing that she said to God once when she fell, "if this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few!" Ha, what gumption!

As this journey continues; I am led to rethink this blog! I want to urge readers to live real and true. Yet i have created a section for women. It doesn't make sense. Everything i write about is filtered through my woman-self. Gender is a huge part of our identity and psyche (note i am not saying sexuality or sex).

So i am going to take out the women section and just write as me: woman - daughter, sister, wife, mother...God's lil' precocious gal !

Know that you are reading a woman. One serious about God, faith-life, just life, and being all she can be and helping others to desire and experience more of what it means To Really Live.

Let us pray:

God, in your wisdom, you shaped and formed me a woman. I have grown up in form; but let me also grow into my form. Let me grow in substance. Grant me grace to receive myself as a gift first; to see myself the way Truth sees me. Help me tear away and resist the labels and limits the world places on me. Alert me to my mortal enemies of sloth, fear and anger. Let me not be lazy to grow my talents. Let me not be afraid of failure, disapproval or rejection. Let me not stew in anger which constricts my being.
Let me hear your great word of affirmation, celebration. Let this song of your infinite love reverberate through my being and play on through my days until word and tone shape and define me, strong, true and beautiful. Amen.

Here's great stuff to read about women:

Lost Women ...of the Bible

Carolyn Custis James writes a nifty book about the identity and calling of women that goes beyond the standard stuff. She should know. As a good pastor's girl, she struggled when the usual stuff of life seem to pass her by: marriage and kids. What makes a woman then?

In this volume, she takes us through lesser and little talked about characters - from Mrs Noah to shady ones like Tamar. Even Hannah whom we know so well gets a fresh portraiture because Carolyn is a serious theologian. Her deft words and decisive scholarship brings these women to life and touches our hearts: there is a pain, darkness, and confusion we can readily recognise and feel for. 


Custis urges us to reach for the one power we all have in equal measure: the power to choose.

Enjoy and rediscover!

Behold, your God!

"Isn't your God of your own making?" - the question doesn't always come from pugnacious Skeptics; very often, it is a genuine question surging through the layers of our intuition and consciousness.

So I sit and imagine what God of my design would be like:

- God would not use a masculine pronoun but be more embracing.. {but wait, the name God revealed is a set of consonants that put together sound like a breath: YHWH which is really neutral..}.

- God would make black and white clear and intervene so we never have to agonize over 'religious wars' from Crusades to terrorist acts. {but wait, all skeptics would hate how this will reduce intelligent speculation and discourse}

- God would at once punish all the evil and put a stop to darkness {but wait, in all honesty, I may be soot if it goes this way}.

- God will be perfect, beyond question {but wait, will I be good enough then?}.

I am pretty sure my version of God will not lower to Human levels; or live so much like us as to feel emotion, and experience hunger, grief, loneliness.....and then die at the hands of humans!

I want a God who vindicates, usurps the powerful and is free to break all rules because He made them.... Not one who suffers alongside by living like us; fully exposed to the verities of the human condition: poverty, class differences, gender divide, injustice, suspicion, betrayal, loneliness, death.

Yet this is the God the Bible presents me with.

An amazingly 'humble' God who doesn't dazzle and scare me into submission but invites me to enter a genuine relationship of acceptance, celebration, reverence and awe. A God I can love because as in the Cross I can see love in action.

"very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man

someone might possible dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:

while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" ~ Romans 5v7-8

Almost by instinct, the notion of God comes with the expectation of power, might, majesty, eternity. But we will never figure in humanity in the mix; for we know ourselves too well-- we are simply not God material. Even the Greeks had to admit limits to their God's, and all our superheroes are accidental or lab-produced.

A humanity validating, affirming and rescuing God I simply cannot conjure up myself.

But because of this God, I embrace Life and long to live it real and full, rich and free.

How do we see it..?

final. Enough Series

To be able to say 'enough' is akin to being able to say 'It is well with my soul'

'I am content'

'I am blessed'

 And it is hard, so hard - until - I have a solid place to stand & can look at shifting sands without feeling unsteady. When we walk the trails and tread upon shallow riverbeds, inviting as they are; we look for solid footholds like rocks because the sands can shift.

and the weather can turn.

"the rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundations on the rock" {matthew 7v25}

Living in a world that strives and cannot but pursue this posture; it takes heart and sinew to cry out 'enough!'. From the way our world runs, there is no end point, no destination, just a continual grind. More, more, more.

Saying 'enough' requires a rock-solid standpoint that makes one stop, enjoy the view, gasp at the grandeur of life, hear the music of joy - refusing to confuse that with the continual hum of 'more'; all that white noise in our air.

This, i realized requires we develop a way of seeing our world, and ourselves.

What is life about?

The Chinese stoically report on the inevtiable cycle: 生，老， 病， 死: birth-age-sickness-death.

Layer upon this our human penchant for pleasure and pain avoidance, we get a formula that is all about maximising gains and minimising losses; which shows up in how we use things, people, and more... In the end, this utilitarian appraoch that seeks to glean the most backfires upon us as it dehumanises us all and devalues Life.

Other worldviews are close cousins: accept your fate and chug along, do minimum harm (to self first, then others), don't create trouble and don't be a burden....

Who are we?

The way we see Life and our world touches a close nerve: how we see ourselves and others. Inevitably, we are trapped as human Do-ings instead of Human Be-ings. So the treadmill goes on and we run on... too tired to consider that another way may exist. We can get off and stand on the Rock.

"See..I lay in Zion a stone...a rock..and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame" {romans 9v33}

Many years ago, I climbed clumsily upon this rock. As a little girl, i wanted to place to stand a little higher so i can see. a safe place than what i had.

Thirty years later, i stand in this spot still (though there were times i have gotten off it a little and explored around) and the rock has started to pour its solidity and strength into me. I used to battle with my mind and feelings about so many things I wanted: the shiny sports car, the hunk, the dream job, that splendid job... 

but as i stood upon that Rock, my view clarified and i see differently. 

I just noticed it:

My pay has never gone passed a certain mark (even new graduates would find laughable)
I carry the same handbag from 12 years ago (I have a few)

because - it is enough. The world is not for me to pillage for my selfish pleasure. it was for me to learn stewardship and discover grandeur, beauty, design, glory. My life is not about proving my worth or marking my place on terra firma  but about being the gift God made me to be for His world. All under-girded by Grace. So the one thing I want more of really, is more Grace.

Sorry...but No, not this time.

no. 3: ENOUGH series

ENOUGH  to stuff. We know that. Buy only what you need. If something's been in your cupboard/larder/freezer  and hasn't seen the light of day/night, you really can give it away....

I found that to do any of these with resolve, i need to first SOLVE something: what do i really need to feel like a living, healthy, growing being?

Again, the Q is: 

what do i need to feel like a living, healthy, growing being?

Everyday, we are offered answers. It is the Q that sieves out the answers and helps us decide if we should bother with the information or not. 

If you are not a huge fan of that tropical fruit durian, you really couldn't care less to track down when they arrive in truckloads and where to buy the most succulent, fragrant (to some) and inexpensive ones.

This time, we need to say ENOUGH to answers offered to us.

At this season of your life, with all your grapple with (typical!) -- what brings you Life? What strengthens and keeps you healthy? What helps you grow as a person in wisdom, fortitude, faith?

I made a clear decision to stay home for my baby thirteen years ago. Many said it wasn't a good decision to pare down my flock from a few hundred to one. (I was a family church pastor). I wondered too about it. But my priority led me in that direction. My pastoral calling wasn't sacrificed - i just did much less of it; and was not on a church staff for a few years. Today, I am still a part-time staff. It is enough.

What began as a personal conviction had within it a larger Grace: God created space, time, and enough frustration (right moms?) for me to need much more of Him. It expanded my capacity and creativity to connect with God. 

No time to pray? There's the breastfeeding moment (when it goes well).
No time to study? There's her nap time.
No time to socialise? Too bad! {God gave this extrovert a special Grace here: it's called next door neighbours. i just made friends with all of them. But I welcome visitors and would take my girl with me anywhere} 

I worshipped with children's songs and lullabies. Came alive with the colour, simplicity and sheer power of children's books. I prayed God would accept that what I was able to prepare for any sermon or sharing would not be the same as when I have hours to think, research and write. God said, "I'll take it!". Out of my mundane, seemingly small life, God brought out His riches and showcased His strength. Above all, to keep going, I needed God a lot. Mothering and making a home is a very dynamic journey and one cannot quite say, "Just learn these four steps". 

And so, over the years, God has led me and formed me --and now thirteen years on.... I have grown confident of God's kind leadership over my life. Things still go awry as they do. People still fail to understand, or affirm. Others hoist expectations on you. But I have to say enough.
this . is . enough .  for me. I am sorry i cannot live up to your demands. I am afraid i don't have those answers. I may even be wrong; but I prefer to live by my convictions for this season: 

i feel alive when i have lots of quiet times with God and help others do the same

i am healthy when i have a good balance of resting and giving. being forgiven and forgiving, when i exercise my body, tenderise my soul and keep vigilant watch over my spirit

i grow when i read extensively and do my itty bit for my community and nation, when i give to others & dream of ways to heal the world

To live by my convictions I need to say Enough to many other attractions and distractions. I certainly don't get it all right. But the convictions hem me in on those days i get jittery and anxiety creeps in; or i get bamboozled by demands. It's Psalm 16's 

"the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance"  all over.

Shalom. It is enough.

We Have A Word For It !

Enough Series no. 2

I came across this word months back and printed it and put in on my wall: 

וּ׃דיֵנ   DAYAENU

It's the Hebrew word for 'enough'; 

which really today should be read "ENOUGH (already)!"

We have way too many :

things- each phone model churns out accessories we cannot even find landfills for

conveniences - to be convenient we need some intermediary like another page to bookmark
expectations - clue: unhappiness is proportionally related to what we feel we deserve
complaints (twin sister of expectations) - it's everywhere in the air
unmet needs - smart TV, that spa experience, that fulfilling job, the perfect parent, mate...

I was musing over the humble packet of tissue. It traces back to paper pulp and hence eventually to a tree somewhere. My mother used to carry a simple square handkerchief which also served as a purse at times. Today, the average woman's bag has a pouch for this, that, and wallet, purse, key holder, phone case... It's getting so that we need a bag organiser which makes it easy for us to simply plop everything in the many compartments; pull the whole thing out and put it in a whole new different bag for a whole new look (which is really less powerful than one's outlook).

The water and detergent needed to wash the humble hanky and then let generous Sun dry it surely will never equal the energy and raw materials used to create and replace all the many purses and pouches we have today.

Enough -- is said in practically all languages:

nok

assez

sapat

Дастаткова

足够

כמות מספקת, מידה מספקת

पर्याप्त

Nóg

十分な

충분 한

آن قدر

ما يكفي (arabic)

đủ (Vietnamese)

کافی (Turkish)

Tillräckligt (Swedish)

Yeterli

Digon o

Go leor

Genog

Cukup

Tarpeeksi

Bastante

Isa

just that it isn't common use anymore.

That day weeks ago when i discovered the word, i heard an invitation to cease, to desist and to resist. Yet it wasn't like a huge battle or something. It's more like settling back in a chair after a decent meal and saying, "thank you very much, that was very adequate and satisfying", then breathing deep and even slouching a little in my chair, all content.

What do you need to say ENOUGH to?