The powerful truth about earthquakes - in our souls - why we are armed and the only way to true disarmament.

Physical quakes are the plain-speak of the reality of life. It is a true and honest metaphor for the upheaval, breakage and wreckage we see in the fault lines within our souls and between us.

A quake just struck Italy.

In fact, quakes happen with astonishing regularity - list of quakes for 2016 up to mid August - and we would be hopelessly disheartened to know about each one. 

It's been slight over a year now when Nepal practically fell apart from a richter 7.3 quake. The images recently portrayed in a CNA docu Nepal Living Dangerously are even more tragic because it is a people who are abandoned. The aid had arrived; but there was no proper bureaucracy and machinery to distribute it. People continue to live dislocated, lost, on less than subsistence.

 We are familiar with the story by now. Our vulnerability to forces that surprise us and the impact of the decisions by those in power on the ruled and governed.

But before we point to the powers there be; I remind us we are all at least a government over one: our self.

fault line :  something resembling a fault :  split, rift 

The fault line is the point of weakness. 


Within our souls lie many points of weaknesses -

self-doubt
self-loathing
self-hate

It's hard to recognise, much less admit that these do live within our castles of being; which we have painstakingly built, renovated and decorated. We haven't been schooled in the knowing of our hearts and the speaking of our souls. Instead, it's "look at my strengths! See my passion! Watch me fly!" - and we know our strengths easily become weakness, our passions fizzle and we are often, really flightless birds.


The person we must be at peace with is ourselves.

Looking endlessly to others to tell us we are O.K. won't work because we all seek the same, and very few of us can offer the consolation and assurance for we are aware of these very real fault lines within; and often more worried and exhausted by the tension and unrest we feel; and the possibility that a rift will occur.


And then there are the many points of weaknesses between us. Yes we laugh, we share, we work hard together. But let's face it, good friends part way, as do team-mates and soul-mates.

What we forget often is that the dynamic between us is the outcome of the dynamic within us first.

It is the man at peace who lets other have their peace.
It is the man at peace who embraces others.

So we are armed, and dangerous.

Armed to defend against the faults within us. We rationalise, explain away, blame, attribute to what is outside for what is really going on inside us.

We are also armed to fight when there are tectonic shifts. Suddenly, it is you versus me. Your territory, your burden, your portion, your right....

You versus me
We versus them

That's our way world!

Alas, that's the world we are so used to, we bring it to church too. So many sermons I have heard and preached a few are about defining us-against-them. It is needful to define and often that means a need to draw distinctions. But if we are not careful, we are basically training more sword bearers. O LORD for the day when You shall bring this to pass -

"...they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war anymore." ~ Isaiah 2v4

In the meantime, with terror rising, once peaceful folks are starting to purchase arms to protect themselves.

this kind of guide?

Why such a move is wrongheaded-

"...for all who draw the sword will die by the sword" ~ Jesus in Matthew 26v52"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more" ~ Luke 12v4

Jesus tells us there is something far more fearful than being physically killed. Our bodily, physical existence is limited and will end. The thing to truly fear for is the state of our soul.

Violence is never the solution.
Not in personal salvation (working yourself to death trying to be righteous).
Not in parenting.
Not in politics.

These are concentric circles radiating outwards from the centre of the individual person; the soul. If anything out there is going to improve, be made right, move towards integrity and harmony; it has to begin within us.

Alas, each of us is a long way to peace within our bosoms.

Perhaps, peace is not an attainment (the Nobel Peace Prize?). It is a posture. A posture is how we present and respond because we have learnt to control and direct.

posture - a conscious mental or outward behavioral attitude [Merriam Webster]

It takes time to correct, align, strengthen a posture; until it becomes natural, at ease. It requires the right exercises to create new muscle memory and even cause some disruptive pain for a bit before a new, better, way is established.

Until then, tremors, tension and even earthquakes may occur. We certainly want to avoid all of these; but in truth; they provide very pertinent information:

Energy released during earthquakes (seismic energy) provides much information about Earth’s interior 

How is your Interior life?
How are your feeling today?


related reads {right click to open in a new window to read (later)}: 
when your soul is in grief
a longer read: an account of soul care - a retreat experience
an encouragement for old-er souls
a soul care series with Jesus


May we all be able to say with increasing equanimity, It is well with my soul (song) - grab your ear phones!"

and for those who prefer a visual, here is art:
beautiful image of swords into ploughs by Sharile Monnier



Finally, pause to pray that such scenes will multiply:

You are the best parents for your children: parent differently in the New year

"You know what dad said to me over Christmas lunch?"

The dh looked at me somewhat surprised.

"He said if Abi's results are good, ask her to study Medicine".
"Haha, he's still at it after all these years?"

"I think you should study Medicine"

just one of thousands of Asian parent stereotypes online... help!

With 2017 round the corner, will we be after our kids for the same things? 

same bad habits we cannot stand
same attitude that irks us
same worries about their motivations and results (and future)
same concerns about their spiritual vitality
same old way of conversing and relating

O, we have the scars to prove it!

The last few years, I have felt a few rounds of serious exhaustion. I mean, being nice to our kids can take a lot! They don't always get it or respond to it the way we hope. But each time, I ask myself what truly matters. I realize that my exhaustion arises a lot out of focusing too much on outcomes and allowing discouragement to set in.

I have learnt how to battle better. I have learnt that there is something fundamental that fuels change: desperation.

How to get a really NEW year deals with it. But here is the special parents edition. You will be surprised that your children are desperate for change too (I mean, who doesn't want a happy family life?).

Before the New Year arrives, while you are busy putting away Christmas stuff, checking up tuition agencies, sorting our finances, looking at school supplies.... plan to set aside a few pockets of quiet times to parent differently next year.


Here are some prompts that have helped me over the years:

1. Begin with appreciation

Write each child's name down. Take deep breaths and pray to see how the child has been a gift to you. Detail their spark, gift, and talent. It doesn't have to fit some existing category like Junior Chef...more like, 'what about this child makes your heart smile'?
Give thanks.


2. Bolster the relationship
I nearly forgot how brief moments of intimate, personal affirmations count. When I get stressed, my tone of voice and content of words change dramatically. I find that I tend to nag or then sit down and try to reason. But my children want to connect with me. They do want to please me and make me proud, but somehow the motivation dips when they feel distant from me. Nagging pushes them away.
Children these days feel the tension of our world's divisiveness. They are more alone than ever with smaller families and a hectic pace of life. All those child suicides make me really wonder about why these children have so much emotional pain they cannot process with anyone.
In the end, don't we all want our children around us, happy family moments, and the savouring of milestones traversed together?
So after giving thanks for each of our children, think of ways you connect best with each one and schedule that in!

Connecting frequently allows me to do the next thing: champion their uniqueness.

3. Boost their spark
Consider how resistant or open you are to their uniqueness.
I will admit to agreeing with my FIL that Medicine is a great choice! But it isn't looking that way folks, despite her great memory and steady hands!
In fact, I have met more than a few young adults who have done what their parents want, and at some point, decide to pursue what they want. Some with no small amount of hurt and bitterness. Some fall along the wayside because the climb was way too steep.
So together with you, I have to learn how to encourage my children to pursue their self-knowing and exploration of their abilities and gifts. I have to learn how to tell my son that while gaming is a valid vocational option, it is not the same as playing games all day! I have to be alright with the fact that my children may not show distinct definitions that I can shape at age 11 or even 16, and that is okay! Some people will be generalists and (like their mom) love doing a slew of things! (there's some bit of accepting ourselves in there too).

It is important to recognise that contributing to the home is an important aspect of their spark! The home is the training ground for life, and the child who can tidy, serve and share is learning to bear responsibility, be considerate and exercise self-control. These are all wonderful qualities that are needed to be able to steward their unique gifting well.


4. Brag about them....haha, YES, but not on social media as much as to them.
Tell your children often what you notice about them, both their strengths and their weaknesses. Anchor it back to a solid theology of who they are in Christ, how they are Image-bearers.
I remember my son telling me he is lazy, stupid, slow... (you get the idea). I had to gently and persistently correct him that it is normal to struggle with temptations to be lazy. It happens in a diverse world that we will sometimes feel stupid. It is true what we are slow at some things. But the deeper truth is he is wonderfully and fearfully made, and a work in progress. I had to teach him that he can fight against the temptations and human tendencies. And I brag about his success to him!

Now go do the same exercise for yourself!

Affirm your own life, notice your uniqueness, plan to grow yourself and find those who can encourage you*

Have a NEW year fellow parents!

How about let's pray this (somewhat desperate) prayer together:

Dear God, 

it's us - parents, those you somehow feel we have what it takes to birth, raise and send out actual breathing, kicking, working animations of life. 

In 2017, help us do what we must do better. 

Help us be more rested in our hearts. 

Help us see our children the way you see them. 

Help us allow them to grow us. 

Help us grow a better relationship of mutual love, respect and support. 

Help us find You and worship You in our days and lives. 

Help us remember you are parenting us all. 

Thank you for your help!

Amen.

Related reads:
What links resolutions to solutions
An arc of goodness: insights from Jeremiah





*if my posts encourage you, get them in your email Inbox! 
Simply type your email into the space on the right: 'get this in your email'. 

God wants to move you. From guilt to grace, 'should' to 'want', and anger to joy.

Freedom is not as straightfoward as it seems.

We are completely fooled to think that it equates being able to do whatever we fancy, with no one to gainsay us. That kind of freedom doesn't even exist, for we are our own worst critics. In fact, while the expectations of others can be a real burden and even nuisance, in the end, what bogs us down is our own inner voice that says

not enough
not good enough
surely you can do better

There is a place for improvement. But to improve out of a commitment to grow your ability is different from the need to improve toward some mark that keeps shifting. Some investigative CSI work is called for here as to why the mark keeps shifting. More on that later.

Every holiday, media will be rife with posts about the myriad of expectations and how not to be cobbled by them:

. how to handle pokey relatives, especially if you are still single
. order takeout of every dish imaginable, no need to stress over cooking
. responding to comments about your home/health/wealth (or lack thereof)

All of it coming at us and corroborated by our own compulsions, we find ourselves easily tripped by a sense of guilt and strained by a long list of 'shoulds' as women, wives, mothers, girlfriends, leaders. Inevitably this leads to an accumulation of anger. We get angry at ourselves for making inadequate progress. We become easily angry at those who seem to hinder our progress (be it keeping to schedule or reaching some objective). We may as well be angry with God (and we are too polite to admit it, or too afraid to).

God meanwhile, has both tried to redirect us as well as allow us to learn by becoming fed-up with being stuck in the mud.

Pause and think. 

Was there a re-direction from God when he allowed you to mess up...again? Could he be showing you that you need to do some things differently?

Are you really exhausted? You know you cannot continue like this.

How do we move from guilt to Grace and from 'should' to 'want'?


Now for the CSI:

C - consider your motive.
Our motives make a huge difference to what we do and the way we do it. Ask yourself Why you are doing something? Is it motivated by love, fear or obligation? Whether it is taking up a role, parenting, planning something, our speech, even our prayers, motivations stand behind them all.
God reveals to us that the only motivation that makes a difference is love. Do something (for someone) out of love.
Some of us are so beat up in life that even loving someone or something is hazy to us. It has become so difficult to really be responsible and take charge. I can think of only one answer. Start. Life will never happen if we refuse to live, and to love.
Don't do things out of guilt. If you are a mature adult, don't even do things because you should.

S- study your patterns
Do you tend to say 'yes' very quickly? Do you find yourself overloaded? Do you find yourself shying away? Do you yo-yo up and down, or do you tend to worry that something is waiting to go horribly wrong?
Our patterns have a lot to tell us. They are great indicators of what we fear as well as what we hope for. Identify your patterns and pray for the insight to disrupt them.

I- investigate your roots
If you find it hard to break out of a pattern, it is being fed by a deeper root. It is time to see a pastor or a counselor who may be able to help you identify and uproot the issue at its source.

So much of what adults struggle with have roots in childhood.

I do not advocate excessive self-analysis and digging around in your past. Our memories are hazy and our hearts can be extremely vulnerable. Yet, if there are nagging issues, it is very likely that although you are now an adult, in some areas, you have remained a child, and feel powerless to change.


Freedom is when we realised how much we are carried by Grace, that we can make strong, even sacrificial choices because we want to - obey God, lift others up, use our competencies - not because we have to.

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don’t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. ~ Galatians 5v13, The Message

Someone share recently that when she had to take in her father-in-law, her older brother reminded her, "don't do it out of duty, do it out of love".

 I think it takes us time to figure out what we are willing to do for others, even our loved ones.

We all secretly fear the worst of things would happen to those around us and we have to upheaval our lifestyles in order to care for them. Rather than wish it away, we may do better to question our hearts and ready them for deeper ways of love.


From Anger to Joy
The simplest and most powerful way to understand anger is that it arises when we feel that our way is blocked (just think drivers that get cut by another). Anger gives way to joy if our life circumstances become what we want. This is a tall order requiring major resistance and reformation!

...God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you ~ Romans 12v1-2, The Message

It is the slow work of building a new scaffold for our lives to hang upon that shapes up differently over time. 

By exposing our patterns, healing our roots and confessing our lack of love, we turn to God for Grace and begin to experience it as a present reality and a powerful force in our lives. In time, we begin to stand on Grace as it solidifies in our lives and find that we are no longer flimsy selves leaning this way and that, racked by guilt, pressure and anger.

This is Good News.

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): Give them a sense of safety and security

Safety and Security?

This is Singapore! Yes, it is, and we are very grateful for the amazing degree of safety we experience here. Our children can walk to the store, take public transportation, use the school bus, visit the toilets -- once they are able, without a lurking fear of imminent danger to their lives and safety.

But there is more to safety and security.

Maslow's hierarchy places it as the very first item we need to live. Of course he was thinking of actual straw-wood-brick homes and most of us would not be struggling with this.

But there is more to safety and security.

To help us understand this need, that we all have through life, consider the following questions through the seasons:

Will I have friends?
Can I do this?
What grade will I get?
How do I know if I have done my best?
Does my colleague dislike me?
When will my boss appreciate my work?

These are real questions and concerns we have, and yet, most of us do not know who to share these concerns with or get help for them.

I imagine then that if we stretch this same concerns back to the earliest days of life, even a baby may experience such existential angst, just that all it can do is cry or fuss or fail to settle or become very clingy (wait, I know many adults who still do these!).

What can we do?

enter life, but are they ready? (Erin@Pinterest)

The phrase 'strawberry generation' was coined to refer to the kids who grew up in the 80s, but the term has stuck. Why do we have a strawberries growing in our yard? They bruise easily -- because underlying this sensitivity is a fear, an insecurity, a lack of safety. It's easy to be mad at them because they grew up in a time when we were prosperous. It feels like they turned soft and are entitled (we still say that now of the millenials). But perhaps as we consider the tips below, we will see how we indeed can raise such a generation when we are not careful.


For infants - 
have a stable routine, have a safe, clean, peaceful home environment where her needs are attended to as soon as possible. You cannot spoil an infant. Shuttling an infant between homes, keeping them up and tiring them out is a bad idea unless you enjoy a cranky child.
Infants come with genetic dispositions and some are more sensorial, sensitive and easily startled even. A good clue to this is to look at yourself and some close relatives. There is no point in complaining, just embrace that you chose to pass some genes down!

The good news is a secure child, with strong bonds (see previous post) becomes more teachable and resilient which makes growth and change more welcome. Thanks to neuroplasticity and the power of prayer, genetic dispositions are only half the story.


For children - 
stay within the safe zone for what fills their young minds and hearts. This means take your fights outside the home (yes, nearly impossible, but worth the attempt. Have date nights to keep track of your souls). This means be proactive about reading and watching good material with them.

A foundational quest of all children is to know if the world is safe, and if there are adults who will be there for them. Be with them and teach them how to navigate life in real-time. I am sorry that unlike work, children cannot process things with you at the end of the day. They just cannot live by an agenda like that. They have to learn what think, have words for their feelings, understand that they can overcome their own natural compulsions (to snatch that toy). Just saying "no", "it's wrong", or worse, labeling them "why you so selfish" is not helping them feel safe enough to grow.

Another area is to discipline your conversation. If you go complaining about everyone, bad-mouthing every authority, dissing others, or discussing apocalyptic news where your own fears are leaking, the child will find the world a scary place and will be inhibited from exploring its treasures. Young children can handle some of the stuff in the world and if they are at school, they will get to hear of it. But I can still remember how once when we were talking about ISIS, that my son grew suddenly very quiet. Unlike my daughter who is more logical, he is a creative and tends to be very graphical. I realised I needed to consider what purpose lay behind the discussion of world news and beware if they were ready to handle it.

Never give a child a smartphone with internet access. Install parental controls. You see, before the internet era, children had fears about imaginary ghosts, the fierce uncle or the weird person in the neighbourhood. All of these can be managed with a clear reminder from an adult or with the presence of an adult. With the internet, a child is standing on a highway with traffic coming from all directions! All they need to do is google. If you are not there, and you have told them to go to the internet for answers, they will, and a little information is a dangerous thing. They can learn nearly any wicked thing there.

I remember that when my children were less then eight, I banned the word 'stress' from my household. It's true we feel stressed, but it's so easy to become a shorthand they can use to escape from thinking harder about what they are feeling, and it tempts them to magnify their difficulties so that they are less likely to overcome them. Adults alas routinely use it as a cop-out.


For Teens -
You won't want to hear this, but teens consider us a kind of threat. Please don't get upset. If you pray for a jolt in memory, you will realise you felt the same. Teens need to explore their identity, and it requires them to challenge us. If our bond with them is good, it sits beneath all the storms like a safety net, so it's ok.

Teens feel unsafe and insecure when they cannot get answers. They also feel that way when they are socially inept. The antidote to this is extremely hard for parents at this point: we must not just love them, we must like them. Hard it is - we miss our cherubic younguns, they are hard to talk to, manage, relate with... yet - we have to look past their hormonal surges, changing bodies, voices and sucky attitudes to the person we always loved and always will.

My best ideas for this: cook their favourite food, keep up the hugs, have that regular awkward meal with them, welcome their friends home, find an activity you can do together and give them space to chill.

Teens are literally doing battle each day with their self-image, performance, friendships, infatuation, expectations laid on them, God... it is a tiring season of life. They will choose distraction any time. Yet they have to confront these issues in a way that is kind to themselves. Help them make their own choices and experience the consequences with them. This is to prepare them for life. Also, as a parent, sometimes the best thing you can do is to surround them with other young adults and adults.

judy foo

"He will be the sure foundation for your times,

    a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;

    the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure" ~ Isaiah 33v6

"Do not tremble, do not be afraid.

    Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago?

You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me?

    No, there is no other Rock; I know not one." ~ Isaiah 44v8

The bedrock of all stability and safety is God Himself. 

I don't have all the answers.
I get lazy.
I am inconsistent.
I struggle with my own insecurities, doubts and fears.


So I model for the children that there can be safety and security - because God is real and living, active and working in my life.

So I gather them for prayer, family devotions, Advent and Lent - because a deep well is needed for such parches times.

So I talk to them and pray with them as they leave the home, when we snuggle in bed, when the doors finally open after they were slammed shut.

So I pray for them and record the God immortal, always wise, coming to save us and help us feel safe again.

And this song comes to me:


Immortal Invisible - hymn background & contemporary version

Immortal Invisible trad hymn version


God loves you and your parenting journey.
God loves your children.
And He is Strong, and Safe to go to.


Further reads:
PSLE!
Those Tough Teen Years

You are the best parents for your child(ren): what if our children are "maid in Singapore" products, & the future of Singapore.

Which came first? The child or the maid?

I am teasing (although I know there is serious planning that goes into this sequence, and for good reason) but this is a serious subject about our economy, our reflexes and our future.

The rhetoric in our bones: We cannot afford to lag behind, lose, get lost in a rapidly changing world. This sounds logical enough and frightening enough to keep us all marching to its beat. Our wondrous progress and all-around affluence attest to it, and we are loathe to 'downgrade', naturally.

We all get used to things, to our lifestyles; and our expectations and sense of entitlement keep us strapped to the treadmill.

I did not have live-in help at first. Then I did. Now I have part-time help. So I have experienced the range.

All the issues relating to finding, training and living with a stranger won't be the subject here. But two stories will suffice to make a point:

With my firstborn, our world revolved fairly between us and the people who came and went: grandparents, friends, neighbours, people needing a listening ear or help. I had every incentive to train her towards independence and ownership fast! I abide by the rule: if she can take it out, she can put it back. Packing, cleaning, and arranging were often done together, and turned into a game. By age five, she washed her own pair of white shoes that she wore to kindergarten each weekend. When we moved to a larger flat, she was in charge of the back toilet. I would hand her a scrub, a rag and a small amount of soap detergent. Her toilet was consistently cleaner than mine. She did not fuss, she did not whine, she did not protest and cry it was unfair.

I embraced the ordinary that needed to be done each day, the repetitive that makes a life and a home possible. Bed making, meal preparation, bedtime routines, prayer, conversations about everything. This is a quiet and insistent way of saying that life is a gift, God has blessed us, and we are able to build a life that is purposeful and joyful.

To be fair, my mother came by once a week and her presence and cooking abilities made a huge difference. The inter-generational teamwork, mutual delight, and sharing in the fruit of her labours brought a special warmth, even if that having another person also means more attention and relationship dynamics to negotiate.

We waited five long years for the next child. A beloved church community bade us welcome and I took on an official portfolio. We loved the community and the work was exciting, until it hit a very serious snag. That was when I conceived my son.

As my back has been weak due to an accident, my mother solemnly insisted that I hire a maid. This meant that my son now grew up in a completely different way. It also meant an end practically to all the usual chores my daughter did.

Between sorting out my work, re-learning parenting, being an employer for the first time, preparing my girl for school, I shifted from visionary mode to survival mode.

I tried to stick to my rule that if "they can toddle, they can clear"... but it was hard to enforce. I was more tired than before, and it was enough to default to getting the maid to do it. Both my children were fussy eaters, and my son also did not have my attention the way my girl did. We were so busy we did not realise he was becoming underweight until he was hospitalised and the doctor wanted to tube feed him!

What is truly instructive is this undeniable reality: we truly shape the lives of our children. 

The question is, what are they the products of?
Our busyness, our ambition, our lack of harmony, our relinquishment to maids?


As our ministers argue for a new narrative for Singapore, I want to ask this Q:

How successful are we: in terms of families staying together, mental health, meaningful employment, and social cohesion?

I also want to say this, having lived for half a century:

Life is about -

wear
wash
rinse
repeat

.... habits, repetitions and mundane stuff, far more than excitement. If we do not embrace and embody a vivre de joie regarding our daily lives, what are we left with really? A begrudging, dragging of feet, the whine that invariably escape from our pores and lips (sounds like so many of our children!)?

I suspect God gave us children precisely to yank us back to this reality. We get so carried away with our illusory sense of importance with our board meetings, coffee meet-up, start-up hungers, exotic vacations, exquisite dining experiences... that we keep needing more kick and fix to float our boats.

Babies hold us hostage with their ongoing needs and demands for security, love, comfort and an endless need to pay attention, adapt and solve problems. It is the bondage that fosters the bond of love. The strong parent-child relationships we see are all outcomes of parents who refuse to delegate these small things away, thinking they are insignificant.

My dh once remarked that he felt eminently jealous about why the kids gravitate to me so much. I wondered about it for a while, and then said matter-of-factly, "I have been their entire world. I am the face they see when they awake, the voice they hear, the touch they feel, the understanding they experience, the music, laughter, order... I feed them, clean their bottoms, read, pray, play with them... Do I need to go on?". He was suitably awakened, and a few years later tried to take my 'job' from me (but that's another story)!

Life is held up by repeat motions. Just try not showing up for work at the appointed time, messing with your meal times, refusing to talk with your friend or spouse.

That's why this Navy Seal Admiral actually said something totally brilliant when he exhorted the graduating cohort of Austin that if they want to change the world, they are to begin by making their beds!

Make your bed! (6min with subtitles)

Admiral McRaven: make your bed!

For families to stay together, we need to put up with each other. That takes forgiveness and it takes grit.
For us to be mentally robust, we need to grounded with a positive outlook daily. That takes joy and it takes grit.
For us to have meaningful employment, we need to be courageous to drop our labels and celebrate the diversity. That takes security and it takes grit.
For great social cohesion, we need to be unafraid of our differences and be willing to make sacrifices. That takes patience and it takes grit.

Grit, is about bed-making. Going at it, again and again.

As a teen, I once had such an acedic season I refused to make my bed and even lost interest in food (naturally, paying attention in class went first). It all felt pretty pointless to me. "Why make the bed if I am going to sleep in it again?" My questioning was cut short when my mom scolded me good and proper.! But also, I began to realise that a made bed is so much better to return to and rest in. twenty years later, my own teen would pose this question to me: mom, why bother? Thankfully I could answer with conviction.

Grit is taught and caught and if our children sees it in the maids and not the parents, we have lost something very profound.

Hands by Leong Kah Wai

A closely related value that we have to watch is Consumer Mentality.

This acts in direct opposition to all that we cherish: love, close and lasting relationships. meaningful work and social cohesion.

The world shifted on its axis when economics moved centre-stage and big corporations and advertising became the norm. There are so many repercussions from this, the most insidious one is a shift where we see ourselves mainly as consumers.

Here is a test for whether you do:

1. When you look at a situation, is your go-to mode of evaluation 'cost-benefit'?
2. Do you feel an emotional need to buy stuff?
3. Are you tempted to complain about service?
4. Is your response to "What a nice..",  typically, "It's only X dollars!"
5. Do thoughts of baling out of your relationships feature in your brain regularly?

Consumers are driven by the best price, being noticed for what we own or experience, expecting to be served, a sense of entitlement, a preference for a newer, faster model.

It is a very self-centred way to live.

People become evaluated based on whether they are thus useful to us or not. The scary implications and extensions of this are many indeed, especially as we begin to see each other as 'products' to be deployed, used, or discarded (for better models).

Emotionally, we feel empty
Relationally, we feel dissatisfied.
Physically, we feel drained.
Spiritually, we feel bedraggled.

We cannot have a different Singapore story, a different family life, and a different state of emotions, even if refuse to courageously ask some hard questions and seek some answers.

Come, let's think, pray and work at this together.

Please share how you 'make your bed' each day with your children over at: Simple Tips Community  and how you defy the pull to reduce you to a mere consumer over at: Truth, Beauty & Love.


And here are words of truth that will settle your soul:

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers

—most of which are never even seen—

don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? 

What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, 

so you can respond to God’s giving. 

People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, 

but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in 

God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. 

Don’t worry about missing out. 

You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, 

and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. 

God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

~ Jesus, as recorded in Matthew 6 v30-34

Anais Nin

Love, sex and The Marriage

In one conversation with a young adult about marriage, she was honest enough to say that while she wasn't crazy about settling down; she did wish to experience sex.

She is still single today; and I am glad she is living purposefully.

But society has made sex such a big deal, and such a cheap thrill.

Even while we still shift uncomfortably in our chairs and blush at this topic, the world has charged ahead to accuse us once again of being priggish, prudish and behind-the-times. Faith is for old ladies with knitting needles, not hot-blooded gals and guys. Not only that, our whole one man-one woman arrangement is outmoded and o so restrictive!

So today, we need to talk about sex, for these reasons:
1. sex has become synonymous with Love in our media.
2. sex is not properly wowed about

In our day of self-fulfillment at practically any cost, those of us who believe that sex is a holy thing properly handled in suitable places and ready hearts are made to feel backed into a corner and have to explain ourselves! We are the accused -- our broad and grand ways in Christ are made to be narrow and old-fashioned and we are labeled fear-mongers.

But I think my little parenting wisdom works here too: like I teach my kids, if you are right, you don't bother getting angry.

We work with our script and guard it. Not let some thief come in and rip it up.

Let's return to point 1: sex = Love. The equation is clearly flawed. Love is far more than sexual intimacy (& intimacy ala Hollywood's sizzle).

Ask the couple who struggles to consummate but have stayed married. 

Or the couple that no longer can due to illness, imprisonment or abandonment. 

Ask those who had a go but have since been let go because a wilder body walked by. 

See the unlikely couple who is now going to have a second boy. (this world-class guy-without-limb Nick V).

nick 's family last year

Sex is a gift so powerful we unwrap it too early and wrong to our peril. Ps Scott Sauls puts it this way:

God put guardrails around sex because sex is the most delightful, and also the most dangerous, of all human capacities. It is a transcendent, other-worldly experience. Sex works a lot like fire. On one hand, fire can warm and purify. On the other hand, if not contained properly and handled with care, it can burn, leave permanent scars, infect, and destroy. So it is with sex. I have seen this play out in scores of pastoral situations over the years. “There is a way that seems right to a man,” says the sacred Proverb, “but in the end it leads to death.”

The Bible describes sex as an interchange of two souls within the boundaries of a marriage between a man and a woman. It is meant to be a physical expression (and not the only expression) of our human longing and experience for love. And this particular expression is a fire that must be lit only when one is mature enough to be committed to handle the fire that it is: you do not walk from a fire as it can burn things down.

So, the larger thing is the Marriage. And that is the real Wow.

For those who fight for their right to marry whoever they love and want to commit to; their frame of reference is self, love and sex. The marriage arrangement is plagiarized in order to become mainstream.(and if we out ourselves in the shoes of those who have been the target of venom and deep prejudice, we would empathise). But it goes to show that --

Marriage is the real wow.  Whether arranged by elders or the outcome of a pursue-response of two who felt drawn to each other... or even the political outcomes of a lobby for reasons ideological and economic, marriage remains for many a state to be much desired.  So whether you entered it to become like the others, to escape, to grow up, to move on.... All married people soon hit a fog almost impenetrable. It is so much more and way too little at the same time. Yes it has taken us millennial to uncover this and we may never fully figure it out - because even Paul, enlightened by the Spirit only manages to say this much: it's a mystery folks.

We had paternalistic models that we balk at today. Thankfully many societies have moved beyond that and Jesus' treatment of women was most instructive and catalytic towards this huge sea change. Yes there are many marriages that do not shine or even survive. Yes, you and I may not have an easy go at it for many reasons including the intrinsic difference between the genders which can make union challenging.

But that the realities are broken shards does not mean the actual Vase did not exist before. It just means someone broke the Vase. And since we no longer have that pristine Vase, frankly, we're all a bit lost! But the answer is not to each grab a shard and cut ourselves till we bleed for our sense of mastery of the mystery. No, we take the shard we have and we imagine the Vase while we appreciate the shard!

This imagination is what we need.

a surprising rainbow and its glow on a dark evening - the whole rainhow is in your mind

What would happen if we could recover Love and Marriage for the grand vision that we glimpse from revelation? 

"What if we  shifted our emphasis toward THE MARRIAGE to which all other marriages are but a shadow—the mystical union between Jesus and his bride, the Church, which is inclusive of believing husbands and wives, as well as widows and widowers, divorcees, and other unmarried men and women? According to sacred Scripture, no matter what one’s marital status or sexual orientation, the first moment of trust in Jesus makes that person as married and complete as s/he will ever be. From our first moment of faith, Jesus is our Bridegroom and we are his Bride." (Scott Saul)

What if we thought and started to feel along these lines? Those of us married, longing to, unable to, not yet ready to... 

We would cultivate our hearts and coach our lives towards the purity, passion and purpose that Christ deserves.

The longings of our hearts and the yearning of our souls which are satisfied when we commune and unite with God is what this marriage picture is about. it is about lives reconciled and at peace with God. It is about hearts on fire with passion for God. It is about time, talent and tools all directed for the purposes of God. This is what lovers feel - the desire to join, and this is what the sex act does.

At the heart of all of life is our need to return to God, to be united with Him. We did not just go through a status change, much less a change in our habits or lifestyles alone. We underwent an essential change of DNA. The Western church with its rationalistic mindset is not so familiar with this way of seeing or saying things. But Paul talks about it from various ways:

But he who is joined to the LORD is one spirit with Him ~ 1 Corinthians 6v17 (NKJV)

...put on the new nature, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of is Creator ~ Colossians 3v10 (RSV)

The new DNA opens up our original need and longing for God. Some of us feel it more keenly in nature and beauty. Walking among the trees and feeling the wind gently on our cheeks awaken something in us and we come alive. Some of us gravitate towards ideals and strong causes and are energized as we pursue just actions. Others of us enjoy quietly making notes and marking our trails....behind it all is Love's creation of us and drawing us to His naturally inclusive, embracing reality. Our desire for love is a response to the call of Love. And it does not take marriage (and sex) to respond.

You are loved my friend. 

the post by Scott Saul
readings on faith and sexuality within the larger context of Friendship

You are the best parents for your child(ren): so he's different, and it shone- because Love never fails.

When we think of kids shining - in our performance-oriented world - it's easy to look for trophies, accolades, performances and grades.

During the recent school holidays, my son invited his classmate over thrice. I have not met this boy before, but was glad mine is getting off the couch! We arranged for the boy to make his way to the train station. I was going to meet my son for lunch, and then we would pick his friend up. Then I remembered I needed to get the groceries so we revised our plan to include doing the grocery. Instead of having my regular one minion, this time I had two to push the cart! 

The boys talked incessantly. Boys! O well, somewhere between the bread and the cheese, I overheard mine telling his friend, "my family is very supportive of me...". I am not fully sure what they were talking about, and it seemed unlikely that they were comparing family profiles. I tucked the little gem in my now warmed bosom. 


When I pulled out the gem to examine it, I marvel. This is why the simple statement means so much.

My son does not shine, very much or very often. In fact, going by the usual parameters, he does not shine at all. He's never brought home As, received heaps of praise from teachers or get glowing approvals from peers and other parents. 

In fact, last year, as a Secondary school kid, he had some of his worst school experiences.

Our parenting and family dynamics are far from perfect. His older sister often runs out of patience with him. 

But the Bible says: Love never fails.

He can fail his exam. He can fail at meeting the expectations of a society bent on conformity and performance. He can fail at figuring out his best and almost daily, he fails to remember stuff!

But as long as we love him, we tie a chord of safety around him where his failures will never be final.

I believe this is what he feels when those words emerged, that we are supportive of him. He shines from the love he feels. It keeps him afloat in a storm-tossed reality that is common for boys who tend towards impulsivity, hyperactivity, and anger.

The following explains what it's like for boys like him:

It’s a sad fact that many students with LD or ADHD have more failures than successful moments in school, and this affects their attitude toward learning and their behavior. A student with impediments to learning needs a developmentally appropriate level of knowledge about his own cognitive profile. Without it, he is likely to attribute his lack of success to a lack of ability or intelligence.

Repeated bouts of fear, frustration, and failure in school create stress that builds up over time. This state of mind is actually neurologically damaging. It impairs brain function by fouling up the brain’s chemistry and even shrinking critically important neural brain tissue, making problems with learning and attention worse.

Chronic stress decreases memory and cognitive flexibility, as it increases anxiety and vigilance. This ratchets up a student’s alert level and gives rise to a protective defensiveness. As a result, too much energy is put into escaping the threat by avoidance, resistance, or negativity.

When teachers, administrators, and parents misread this behavior as willful or oppositional—not the defensive, protective stance of a student trying to avoid looking inadequate—they compound the problem by casting the student as a bad kid. Most students would rather be thought of as a “troublemaker” or a “class clown” than as stupid, and many, therefore, live up to their reputations.

Faced with real or perceived fear, we respond by fighting or fleeing. This is not a conscious choice; under stress, the so-called fear centers deep within our brain (most notably the amygdala) go on high alert.

When the fear centers of the brain are activated, the area of the cortex in the front part of the brain, called the prefrontal cortex, is de-activated. The prefrontal cortex, along with the basal ganglia and the thalamus, controls the executive functions (organizing, planning, and executing tasks efficiently) that are critical to learning. In kids who are already at risk for academic difficulty because of ADHD, the secondary impact of stress puts them in a tailspin. Just when they need this important part of the brain, it shuts down. When stress goes up, cognitive ability goes down. 

In fact, research shows that chronic stress is associated with a larger amygdala and a decrease in the size of the cerebral cortex, suggesting that repeated, highly negative experiences actually re-form the architecture of our brain.

The mental relationship a child has with a challenging task in great part determines how he or she deals with what comes his or her way. When kids believe that they have little control over a task, and they are about to look ignorant or incompetent (yet again), this triggers the stress response. When a kid’s brain is sending the message that “This is too difficult! There’s no way I can do this!”, fear centers go on high alert, and the thinking part of the brain shuts down in the service of survival. It’s a circular, self-perpetuating cycle of fear, avoidance, and escape.

Some days when I think about how hard it can be for children like him, I feel so broken, and so helpless.

But if I, the parent, the adult, cannot be that North Star, that stability, that strength, and that clarity, what hope will he have?

We have had many honest, vulnerable, conversations over the years. Often with tears. Frequently wrapped in silence and then a prayer.

I have wondered about trauma, questioned the system, petitioned the teachers. Then, I find I am alone, again. No one has answers, and certainly, no one can 'fix' this. 

It is our journey to embrace.
It is our quest to embark on.
It is our adventure to hack.

With God, by our side.

We sometimes don't work well as a team either. Our assessments vary. The father, the sister and I don't always agree. That can add to the difficulty. 

Yet- one day at a time, one meltdown to the next... we keep taking the next step. We keep coming back. We step back into the ring. 


My son's simple statement tells me that Grace will win the day, that Love truly won't fail, that family is about sticking by each other.

the lil warrior

He, made in the image of God, a precious gift and trust to us, is worth all the prayers, reading, observation, conversation, planning, and hoping.


I cannot see how it will come together. But sparkly moments like this one tell me there is a bright, fierce Light within. It will break forth one day.



Amen.


What's your story of love?


-------------


In case you think your child is stressed at school, look out for these signs:

> Refusal to do the work (passive or aggressive negativity)

> Devaluation of the task (“This is so stupid”)

> Acting up or acting out to direct attention away from the challenging task

> Acting “in” or becoming sad and withdrawn

> Exhibiting signs of anxiety (sweaty palms, tremors, headaches, difficulty breathing)

> Becoming engrossed in a task in which he is successful or one that’s fun (refusing to stop writing a story or doing a drawing, turn off a video game, or to take off a headset and stop listening to his favorite music)

> Efforts to encourage (“I know you can do this”) are met with more resistance

> Asking an adult to stay close and help with every problem (over-dependence)


How to de-stress.
Neuroscientist and Nobel laureate Eric Kandel, M.D., explained that just as fear, distress, and anxiety change the brain to generate sequences of destructive behaviors, the right interventions turn the cycle around. That’s what the DE-STRESS model aims to accomplish. 

It includes the following steps:

> Define the condition. 
Make sure that the adults involved in the child’s life understand and agree on the cause of the challenges. If there are “dueling diagnoses,” valuable energy is wasted on disagreements, legal challenges, and “doc-shopping” to resolve differences of opinion. The adults need to come to some consensus about the child’s condition. A plan built on guesses or misinformation is destined to fail.

> Educate. 
Informed adults (parents, psychologists, teachers) need to educate the child about the nature of his/her challenges. Only an informed child can be a self-advocate.

> Speculate. 
Think about how the child’s strengths and assets, as well as his challenges, will impact his prospects going forward. Think ahead: What’s going to get in the way of success and what should be done to minimize disappointments and derailments?

> Teach. 
Educate the child about how to use strategies that will address his specific needs and maximize his success. Give the student the tools he needs to take this bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground.

>Reduce the risk. 
Create learning environments that focus on success and that minimize the risk of failure (small classes, individualized attention and support, providing time and space to reinforce learning, decreasing distractions).

> Exercise. 
There is scientific evidence that physical activity reduces stress. Make sure that the student is engaged in a regular program of physical activity.

> Success. 
Replace doubt with confidence by creating a learning environment that allows the student to experience success more often than failure. Make sure that fear, frustration, and failure are overshadowed by successes. Show the child that confidence and control are by-products of being competent. Help the child internalize a mantra: “Control through competence.”

> Strategize. 
Use what you and your child have learned about achieving success in order to plan ahead. Find opportunities to confirm that confidence and a stress-reducing sense of control come naturally from feeling competent. Teachers and parents should make learning from errors part of the plan, and help the child move from strength to strength.


Unless students have the opportunity to learn skills that allow them to bypass or overcome learning weaknesses, they are likely to exhibit the fight-or-flight response. Fortunately, the changes in neuronal circuitry associated with chronic stress are reversible in a healthy, resilient brain. 

Appropriate interventions like the ones mentioned above are simple, cost no money, and can result in re-setting the brain to a healthy state. Looking at stress through this lens will lead to better learning, enhanced self-esteem, and improved behavior.


The ADHD/LD label is not as disabling as one’s view of the label’s meaning.

Students who know they have a learning disability but who identify with the negative aspects of that label experience what researchers Claude M. Steele, Ph.D., and Joshua Aronson, Ph.D., call “stereotype threat.” 

Kids worry constantly that they will do something to confirm the stereotype that students with ADHD/LD are less competent than other kids.

Gabrielle Rappolt-Schlichtmann, Ed.D., and Samantha Daley, Ed.D., M.Ed., at the Center for Applied Special Technology, in Wakefield, Massachusetts…. have found that when students in a research project have to identify as having a learning disability before starting an academic task, they perform more poorly than a similar group of students who are not asked if they have a learning disability. Some take this as evidence that it is the label itself that is disabling, and make a case for not using it.