The powerful truth about earthquakes - in our souls - why we are armed and the only way to true disarmament.

Physical quakes are the plain-speak of the reality of life. It is a true and honest metaphor for the upheaval, breakage and wreckage we see in the fault lines within our souls and between us.

A quake just struck Italy.

In fact, quakes happen with astonishing regularity - list of quakes for 2016 up to mid August - and we would be hopelessly disheartened to know about each one. 

It's been slight over a year now when Nepal practically fell apart from a richter 7.3 quake. The images recently portrayed in a CNA docu Nepal Living Dangerously are even more tragic because it is a people who are abandoned. The aid had arrived; but there was no proper bureaucracy and machinery to distribute it. People continue to live dislocated, lost, on less than subsistence.

 We are familiar with the story by now. Our vulnerability to forces that surprise us and the impact of the decisions by those in power on the ruled and governed.

But before we point to the powers there be; I remind us we are all at least a government over one: our self.

fault line :  something resembling a fault :  split, rift 

The fault line is the point of weakness. 


Within our souls lie many points of weaknesses -

self-doubt
self-loathing
self-hate

It's hard to recognise, much less admit that these do live within our castles of being; which we have painstakingly built, renovated and decorated. We haven't been schooled in the knowing of our hearts and the speaking of our souls. Instead, it's "look at my strengths! See my passion! Watch me fly!" - and we know our strengths easily become weakness, our passions fizzle and we are often, really flightless birds.


The person we must be at peace with is ourselves.

Looking endlessly to others to tell us we are O.K. won't work because we all seek the same, and very few of us can offer the consolation and assurance for we are aware of these very real fault lines within; and often more worried and exhausted by the tension and unrest we feel; and the possibility that a rift will occur.


And then there are the many points of weaknesses between us. Yes we laugh, we share, we work hard together. But let's face it, good friends part way, as do team-mates and soul-mates.

What we forget often is that the dynamic between us is the outcome of the dynamic within us first.

It is the man at peace who lets other have their peace.
It is the man at peace who embraces others.

So we are armed, and dangerous.

Armed to defend against the faults within us. We rationalise, explain away, blame, attribute to what is outside for what is really going on inside us.

We are also armed to fight when there are tectonic shifts. Suddenly, it is you versus me. Your territory, your burden, your portion, your right....

You versus me
We versus them

That's our way world!

Alas, that's the world we are so used to, we bring it to church too. So many sermons I have heard and preached a few are about defining us-against-them. It is needful to define and often that means a need to draw distinctions. But if we are not careful, we are basically training more sword bearers. O LORD for the day when You shall bring this to pass -

"...they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war anymore." ~ Isaiah 2v4

In the meantime, with terror rising, once peaceful folks are starting to purchase arms to protect themselves.

this kind of guide?

Why such a move is wrongheaded-

"...for all who draw the sword will die by the sword" ~ Jesus in Matthew 26v52"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more" ~ Luke 12v4

Jesus tells us there is something far more fearful than being physically killed. Our bodily, physical existence is limited and will end. The thing to truly fear for is the state of our soul.

Violence is never the solution.
Not in personal salvation (working yourself to death trying to be righteous).
Not in parenting.
Not in politics.

These are concentric circles radiating outwards from the centre of the individual person; the soul. If anything out there is going to improve, be made right, move towards integrity and harmony; it has to begin within us.

Alas, each of us is a long way to peace within our bosoms.

Perhaps, peace is not an attainment (the Nobel Peace Prize?). It is a posture. A posture is how we present and respond because we have learnt to control and direct.

posture - a conscious mental or outward behavioral attitude [Merriam Webster]

It takes time to correct, align, strengthen a posture; until it becomes natural, at ease. It requires the right exercises to create new muscle memory and even cause some disruptive pain for a bit before a new, better, way is established.

Until then, tremors, tension and even earthquakes may occur. We certainly want to avoid all of these; but in truth; they provide very pertinent information:

Energy released during earthquakes (seismic energy) provides much information about Earth’s interior 

How is your Interior life?
How are your feeling today?


related reads {right click to open in a new window to read (later)}: 
when your soul is in grief
a longer read: an account of soul care - a retreat experience
an encouragement for old-er souls
a soul care series with Jesus


May we all be able to say with increasing equanimity, It is well with my soul (song) - grab your ear phones!"

and for those who prefer a visual, here is art:
beautiful image of swords into ploughs by Sharile Monnier



Finally, pause to pray that such scenes will multiply:

You are the best parents for your child(ren): how to bless your children

Mom bless
Pop bless
We bless you!

Every parent wants to bless their child(ren). But sometimes it can be hard.

It can be hard when you find your resources limited, you simply cannot afford what is touted as 'advanced, best, enlightened'.

It can be hard when they irk us with their demands, expectations, and what feels to us like pathetic levels of endurance and patience - these softies raised on a diet of fast, quick, and easy.

It can be hard if our picture of blessing is a plump and statuesque pronouncement that their future is secure because we have an estate or because, like those grand biblical figures, we call upon the Almighty and our word is good as gold.

It sure can be hard. It's hard to bless our children when we wonder if we are blessed.

To bless is a soul exchange. It is to impart and leave something that will live on. It is an extension of one's substance, a sharing of one's joys, an offering of one's life; so that another will thrive and exceed us.

What do we have within us and our means that can do that for our children?

1. We bless our children when we live blessed.

Every home is defined ultimately by the choices parents make. If a home is filled with anger, tension, a sense of lack and frustration; it is how the parents have chosen to live. A home that resonates with peace, joy, and abundance begins with parents who know how to find and fill themselves up with the these gifts of life. We cannot give what we don't already own.

2. We bless our children when we build them up.

God has shown me that parents are trailblazers. Each unique life is a fresh trail of possibility and love. Each child God's imprint of hope upon our worn ways and days. Parenting is about finding a whole dimension of yourself as you make sacrifices to help your child find his feet, his shoes, his path in life. I am mot thinking of sitting in hours reading the papers while waiting for your child to emerge from enrichment. I am not sure if that is sacrifice. But all parents have to say 'no' to some things in order to say 'yes' to their children's needs, requests and growth struggles.

It takes homework and housework to feed and fit a child for life. It takes targetted prayer and persistent effort to discover strengths, overcome weaknesses and explore territories.

Do you know what milestone is coming up for your child? What he may find overwhelming, difficult, enjoyable? We cannot anticipate every outcome and should not; but we should track where we are on the trail and find resources to keep going in the right direction.

3. We bless our children when we bless the LORD.

Recently, I have been coming up against a new kind of hard too. The voice that whispers, "You never had all of this. Kids these days are so 'spoilt'. Time to dish out the tough stuff..."

It's hard to be a blessing when you are assailed by doubts; and we all have doubts. After all, the terrain is new. The world is changing ever so fast. We expect too much or too little. We try too hard or not enough....

But precisely so, we need to find anchors and a compass to navigate our way.

Also I notice that this voice always makes me pull back from being trusting, generous and joyful: indicators that I should beware of its source.

The voice of dubious origin (perhaps not so dubious) often has some ground to stand on. In this case, it is true that our children have a lot more provided and going for them. Just consider the wonderful reality that is the air-conditioning. I did not have that. Even without global warming, I remember sweating and soaking through some nights.

Yes it is true that our children seem to have nothing to worry about except their studies (friendships, skin condition, clothes), but the more I recognise how the lack I grew up with impacted me; I am glad they have a secure base with which to venture forth from.

But generations come and go; and life will go on until it is time for The Total Re-haul when Christ comes again. In the meantime, all of our movements and crazy spinning can go off orbit unless we set in our hearts that our lives will bless God and that becomes our true north.

I know as a young person I struggled with what felt like a restrictive notion: living for God. But now, I discover how freeing it is, what focus it gives, and how fruitful life can be when we have a way to gauge the value and quality of our days without being bombarded by the whims of our unsteady hearts and the winds of change around us.

Psalm 100

Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.

Serve the Lord with gladness and delight;
Come before His presence with joyful singing.

3 Know and fully recognize with gratitude that the Lord Himself is God; It is He who has made us, [a]not we ourselves [and we are His]. We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

4 Enter His gates with a song of thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, bless and praise His name.
5 
For the Lord is good;
His mercy and lovingkindness are everlasting,
His faithfulness [endures] to all generations. {Amp version}

Mom bless
Pop bless
We bless you!

Because, God has declared it so.

And o, here is something...especially for fathers !

What God teaches us about Discipline so we can get it!

D-I-S-C-I-P-L-I-N-E.

If we won't discipline our thoughts, feelings, bodies, motivations and energies; they will overrun their banks. 

They will get unruly. They will fake a sense of freedom. They will lap you up and drown you under. 

I think that may be what happened way back in the Garden.

Before Eve reached out to accept the fruit and bite into it, she failed to rein in her imagination to the boundaries of obedience. Before Adam acquiesced and partook of it, he failed to retrieve the file called 'God has said' and let something else take over.

This is a mighty lesson for all our souls, and especially for us parents, teachers, leaders of all stripes.

If you are going to build your life, any life; then the big D word must feature prominently.

How is the million-dollar Q isn't it? Like this famous? The famous marshmallow test {if you have 4 minutes}

Which also means that the D word  connects Obedience, Free Will, Relational Trust and Rewards.


As a parent, coach, leader, I grapple with this for myself and others. And then eureka! Perhaps I can
take a leaf from the All-Wise!

Here's how God does it for his children; and we can imperfectly follow in it:

1. He accept us 

Before we could do a thing or feel even an itty-bit 'godly'; He sent his Son to die for us. It's a decision God made without reference to our condition or response.

I'm not the most diligent person ever; but God's acceptance stirs up a desire in me to be my best.

2. He gives us a vision

So much of what God says about his children don't make sense logically. While the children of Israel, yes, that bunch of wandering Arameans were stuck in the mire of their sins, God sends prophets who often painted pictures of incredulous future outcomes: rivers in the desert, peace, light to nations. If ever we whimper, God whispers, "You ain't see nothing yet".

when western Sahara meets the Atlantic..and how the waters shape it

3. He tells us there is a reward

God always leads by promises. Promised Land, Heavenly City. He invites, He draws, He woos. We continually confuse him with some other deity conjured by our guilt and fear; who scolds, pounces and withholds. 'No good thing will He withhold from those whose walk is upright' the Psalmist says. 'There is a crown of life' waiting. He even weaves rewards into the journey like celebrations of milestones. Maybe a rainbow, a surprise visit by a friend, a timely prayer, a kind helping hand, a new friendship.

4. He journeys with us

Isn't this our favourite part? The Immanuel bit. But before we get all chummy about it; let's remember God is not a tag-along. I have found so much relief and rest for my soul to remember that I am the passenger going for the ride here. Even so, I can particpate in the navigation, respond to the conversation, take in the views and record the sightings. Sometimes, i drift off and snooze even! But it takes discipline to stay on the road and not keep complaining about breaks!

5. He takes us through valleys and allows us to reap what we sow

We need to stop avoiding the tough stuff. They build muscle and stamina. We also need to understand and accept that the law of cause-and-effect is a universal law that the children of God are subject to as well. God is not SOS, heli-rescue, 'break the glass for emergency'. No one ever grows up who is always rescued.

6. He has a customised plan

This takes the cake! No cookie-cutter with the Creator. Run the race 'marked out for you'. We all run a common race; but each of us also has a particular pace, gait and even route (unless you like stepping on toes endlessly). This is so mercifully exciting! 

O look, my favourite! Now to reach for it...

And then, He gives us specifics for the 3 huge areas of our life:

your thoughts: renew them by anchoring back on your purpose

if something doesn't serve you, it's trivial and possibly a distraction. i don't store a lot of information like bargains and celebrities. they don't really impact my life direction or help me stay on course with my purpose to grow into who I am in Christ. instead, i check where my files are thin and weathered about God, my self-awareness, my love for others, my abilities and the needs of the world. I make sure i chuck material in those files regularly.

your feelings: redirect them by practising gratitude and praise

sounds holy-moly but would you rather hang around with a sulker or a smiler? From writing down gratitude on small slips, doing it on big charts, praying it out each night...find a way to remember to be thankful.

your time management: review regularly

slip-sliding is easy. Facebook and computer games can suddenly take up hours. Once every other week, just check in to see if your time reflects your priorities. If God is important, where in your schedule have you set aside them for it? If knowing your children better is important, where in your schedule have you placed that; and is watching TV with them the way to do it?
This is easy to apply to your work and finances. Use the priority principle.

Looks to me like Papa God has given us mighty ideas for parenting, for treating our fragile souls right and for being leaders who raise a missional people.

So, if you are looking to grow. You need the mighty D. There is no other way around it.

Thing is, besides the sloth juice that courses in our vein which makes our reflexes choose the easy way, there is plenty to weaken our resolve and cause our discipline to cave in.

This is why at the end of 2015, I did this Spirit-prompted exercise with the family.

What is one thing in the new year you will -

Start
Stop
Deepen

"... for God is not a god of confusion, but of peace..." ~ 1 Corinthians 14v33

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline" ~ 2 Timothy 1v7 

You are the best parents for your child(ren): enjoying it.

I love how Joy supplants everything.

credit: goongkrazy.wordpress.com

Cannot quite remember the labour pains? The nasty and awkward breastfeeding / bathing moments? The long nights? The hundredth time you read that story?

With a mighty teen and a little warrior at 15 and 10, I am well into a new season of mothering for sure. And the Joy has supplanted the pains. Each one. Even now. The teen angst, the motivational mountains, the clean-room war-zone... not that they are over; but they are now rhythm and you learn to Rock and roll with it! How?

Here are 3 survive-into-Joy ways I found:


#1 It's going to happen - again

You ever feel like some days are so deja vu? You have already talked about it, laid down some rules..perhaps you shed a tear or more, prayed... and you thought 'ah, now let's move on'.. and it happens again! The same snarky remark, the attitude, the mess, the disrespect, the sloth and on... None of us grow or change by sheer reasoning. It takes far more. It certainly takes time, loads of it. So, you haven't failed to communicate, care or more. It's just the nature of the things.

Growth takes time, it takes protection, it takes practice.

So don't let every battle be a Waterloo or a watershed. In fact, parenting is not about winning battles but building lives. So keep that goal before you. Don't spend your precious energies trimming leaves for presentation when what you really need to fight are these enemies of the soul -

distrust,
doubt,
unresolved anger,
deep sadness,
repeated sin.

All behaviours come from a deeper place; so seek to know what is going on there and work your way towards it. The health will emerge - from the roots out.

And the Joy? From knowing there is a Gardener who knows our knotty roots well enough to heal and strengthen them. 

#2 Let your spouse take the heat too

Most moms, especially stay-at-home ones tend to shoulder so much of the family we forget we have a comrade. Like us, fathers did not really come armed and ready. But it's a catch-22 when we don't give them a chance to learn, practice and sharpen their abilities.

I have had my fair share (and still do) of being questioned, blamed, even berated! And I do deserve it because I have lost it, lashed out, licked my wounds; all three not really constructive ya. So I have learnt to notice my emotional gauge and signal for help:

whatsapp: not good today, expect some damage. pls pray.
SMS: so dog-tired! the kids are so stupid! when will they learn? Am still ok though.
verbals: need to pray, please take over ~ don't need to worry; he/she/they have to learn to sort it out. I am hiding for a while to recover.

To my surprise; spouse steps up! To be honest, he rarely does exactly what I hope: sprinkle magic dust on the kids and turn them into angels. But he drags me out of the house for coffee. He asks if I am alright/alive/spiritually ok. He scolds the kids! He takes over for a bit. He prays for me.

The Joy? When you know that even though you are sometimes awkward, disagreeing, impatient; there's We not just me.


#3 Be grateful for the good, not greedy for the perfect

With little kids, we have so much control that we can get suckered into thinking we forever hold all the strings of control. They gladly go most places, try most things and want totally to please you! Sure there are tantrums and meltdowns; but mother-influence is pretty mighty. Just recently, my son quipped, "it takes a genius to be a mom" and I heartily approved!

Then, they grow older, and all you have got are the purse-strings and the heartstrings. This is the time when your soul is being trained to be discerning; because you can plan to the hilt but it is just not going to go the way you want. There are preferences, moods, peer pressure, schoolwork etc. to contend with. So you have to be able to taste and delight in the morsels of closeness, empathy, respect, diligence, honesty, discipline, godliness ...

It is also the time to be self-controlled to be grateful and not grate on about what else is lacking. No soul ever thrived under condemnation. All life is coaxed into fullness that begins with acceptance.

Then Joy begins to bubble to the surface and breaks the tension. You will feel much more relaxed about your parenting - and enjoy it.

Christmas is near, and this is the angelic beckoning -

"I bring you good new of great Joy!"

All our daily, lesser and so essential joys beat a trail to this Great Joy.

ENJOY = EN(ter) into JOY my friends!

You are the best parents for your child(ren): the power of planning

Plan for peace.
Plan for growth.

I would never have believed you thirty years ago. To my plan-to-the-tee husband, I am about the most spontaneous person there is. (let me guess, you are married to an opposite too?) But I have come to see the power of planning.

You are the best parents for your child(ren) - plan for it to happen!

Married to a planner, I certainly had to learn to plan - in terms of telling him way ahead of time - what is coming around the corner; what I hoped to involve the whole family in (read: need his participation), and what outcomes I am working towards.I was chafing at it quite a bit; then I realised this: from day one that Parenting involved Planning.

When did I last feed the baby and from which side?

 She is going to outgrow her clothes!
 Which formula to wean her to?
 When are his exams.... so soon?!

But plans exist because they serve a greater purpose. 

We plan because it gets us somewhere! So the big Q is not whether you have a plan; but whether your plan will get you where you want to go?

Do you want a family that loves being together?
One that serves the community?
One where each person's potential is championed and supported?
A family where conversations are heartfelt?

Now consider the actual plans and priorities we have. Are we doing what helps us arrive at our vision, or sabotaging what we hope?

I still remember being asked when I chose to stay at home as a mother, "how can you give up the care of hundreds for one?". Yes, the Math did not seem to add up. But it was clear as a haze-less daylight to me. The hundreds can find another pastor; the child I bought into the world is my first direct responsibility. I will learn and I will enjoy this. That was the starting vision for me.

Along the way, I prayed and thought often about the vision of family and home life. With the vision, I put in place plans. The plans include:

 Good Health

 Spiritual Vitality

Diligence

Wonder at life


The plans always required me to seek these things in my own life and be a model for it. After all, more things are caught than taught.

I may have a helper to get certain things done; but holding forth a vision and living it out first, simply cannot be delegated. Grandparents, church and helpers cannot be expected to develop attitudes, habits and spiritual postures in children. It is the task of the parents to do so.


 Living cannot be delegated.

To have children who are interested in life, secure, who develop empathy -- I needed to be all these myself first. Plan . to . grow .


The pace of life in a city like ours can keep us panting. I know some full-time stay-home mothers who basically plan car routes, meals, tuition and recreation. They are ferrying their children from one thing to the next. Well, there are plans, and there are plans.


A plan is basically a roadmap to get from here to there. It considers the outcome, the resources, the possible hiccups.

In order to go away on a personal retreat to recharge myself, I needed to plan for caregivers, emergency phone numbers, even to plan a time to prepare the children (and their father) besides the aspects related to the retreat itself: booking a spot and preparing my heart.



But it is easy to be so caught up with the daily demands that we hit 'cruise'.

I drove a car once on a highway in the United States and tried the 'cruise' button'. The car basically drives itself! You just needed to hang on to the steering. My cruise mode lasted no more than ten minutes. It felt honestly scary. I wasn't sure if my reflexes would be good enough for me to change mode when something called for it. Crusising was relaxing and it was easy to become less alert I felt. Also, cruising happened at a minimum of  50km/hr speed and it kept at that speed. This meant that I could not slow down at will to take note of any thing I saw along the way. Everything would be given the same length of attention. Things would get monotonous and become same-same -- lowering alertness and increasing the risk of accidents.

Life can run on cruise mode too! Just the same basic motions everyday: wake self, wake kids, pack them off to school, start working/worrying, chores, the homework drills, more chores, maybe a little TV, crash into bed. It can end up feeling like a never-ending highway of things to get done. {for some parents with children who need special attention; this situation is very real and much more tiring}.

To avoid a 'cruise' situation, set aside time to plan.

I'll be cheeky and say this: all of us basically have a 'plan' to get through each day: grit and grin it.

Ok, seriously, here's how I do it. Remember I am not Mdm Systematic.

1. the daily just-in-case I forget something
I have important dates, details and datelines written on a whiteboard for everyone to see. There is even a message section for me to leave 'reminder' or 'cheers' depending on my emotional state! The schools hand out so many letters I found sticking them on the fridge felt so cluttered; instead reading it through and writing out the important bits helped us focus.

2. the weekly check-it-twice
Yes, don't we just love how the school and tutors have to shift things around {and we are talking pre-haze days}. CCA is particularly notorious at the Secondary level and of course, all the project work. The kids used to like to download the information and hoped I was listening. Nope. I was blogging dearie. We both got frustrated. So I learned to really listen, to write it in the calendar or phone or whiteboard (very useful). Slowly, I taught them to plan their week, to anticipate changes, and NOT to assume our schedules are wrap around theirs! "If I don't hear from you early enough, you take public transport, or go without that necessary tee-shirt or extra pocket money...". With both ends learning to plan, things are far better these days.

The weekly plan is not just for activity. Like I say, plans exist to support a vision. So there are already priority items on the plan: personal time with God, family devotion, church, caring for grandparents, and so on. I also include our meals as part of this weekly plan. The menu and shopping cart has some items that are served each week so as to ensure that we have a healthy diet.


3. the monthly pray-it-over-again
Humans are not static and neither are our relationships. We are habitual it's true and it can appear hopelessly beyond change. But kids - their habits can be shaped. Each month (it turns out more or less to be so as I will worry about them regularly: are they faith-filled, sutdying hard, up to mischief, hanging out with wrong peeps, onto porn {gasp}..maybe it's PMS-related), yes, more or less monthly I set aside some time to plan their growth.

Any thing to address? Any concern to dig around? Any issue blocking our relationship? This is the time I pray for insight into each child, and then make some specific plans to talk to them / take them out. A lot of it is not to 'fix' them; but just to share their interests and support their growth. I find so much peace here when I am able to release my fears to God. I also get all excited about being able to spend intentional time which will become a precious memory if not a wonderful time to align and form stronger habits.
My journal has sections specially with each child's name on it. It's cool to parent together with God!

Parenting is hard work. But it is meaningful, beautiful work. And anything worth doing calls for effort and sacrifice. 

A plan makes the art come to pass.


What art are you making as you parent?
What plans do you have?

You are the best parents for your child(ren): how to love to bits and build character

Very often, we see building character and loving our children as being at odds. Character building somehow has this boot camp dimension to it. 'Toughen them up' is the mantra; especially for fathers {pl read this guys!}. 

Ok let's unpack this and get it clear in our hearts and heads.

The foundation for all character formation is RELATIONSHIP. This simply means that the quality of our relationship with our children determines everything else. And the nature of the relationship between a parent and child? L-O-V-E of course.

It would seem a no-brainer. Of course we love our children to bits! {then why don't they appreciate it and behave better?}

Ah, but I found that there are two things that get in the way of our love and, in the end, it gets in the way of their character formation too.

Number 1: when the child doesn't feel it.

One of the first and most helpful parenting books I read is titled How To Really Love Your Child ! That set me thinking...what does love feel and look like to a child? What does it look like to a certain personality, through certain seasons, and in specific situations?

And the answer isn't difficult - if - we take the time to see and feel from their perspective. How does a young child or a teen feel? Not that differently from you!

Like you and I, they want to be noticed, to be cheered on, to feel safe to share their struggles and not be judged, to be supported, to have someone say, "I understand"...

But as life is really choices x time; we need to really ask if we make the time and what choices we make with those times.This video which many mothers took offense at was rather poignant: do you really know your child? {click to watch video}

My son was a near perfect baby. He was easy to care for, coos sweetly to himself and soaks up the wonder of the world. He never cries when he awakes; he babbles. He was enthu about everything (okay, except eating. I did say he was near-perfect!). But as he grew, things began to surface. He was much more afraid of new challenges that his sister ever was. He wasn't going to just leap into your arms, be placed on a swing, or attempt to read. He resisted being tested and hated being taunted. He was sensitive to a fault about how others talked to him and handled his things. Naturally, it made for many socially uncomfortable, and even painful experiences. Add to that, he was hyperactive. Teachers were unhappy. Friends got upset. Even church wasn't a positive experience.

I could not love my son the way I loved my daughter. He would feel abject neglect and be a mess. He needed more, and different. He needed me to spend time almost everyday making sense of the world that he felt was cramming him; a world that was hard to survive in and navigate. To be honest, the journey was very painful at times. I had to absorb alot of misunderstanding. I had to let go of my expectations. I had to forgive him, myself and others because when a child cannot walk the straight line, he stumbles and steps on toes; and that's always painful.

Love for my son meant heartfelt listening, prayer, reading up on his personality and profile, a lot of perseverance to help him keep going, not give up, overcome hurdles... It is easy for a child like him to grow with anger, resentment and fear. 

I cannot be grateful enough for my choice to care deeply for my children. Our home life has a sweetness and together-ness that is so precious.

And recently, I read about 5 keys to helping children build character*.

The first key:

children need to feel genuinely cared for.

Bingo!

The triumph of character formation comes when I see him get back in and tries again. He told us that this term in school is his best ever because he has 'converted his enemies to become his friends'. Recently over dinner when I asked what I could pray for them, he said easily that he needed to be able to keep forgiving those who hurt him.

It's not easy to find that line between acknowledging his hurt is real and helping him toughen up and there are days I mess up! But I get back into the ring and fight my fears and grow my muscles. He is going to have to flex his own muscles soon; but it would not happen if he did not feel mine when he needed them most.

Where are you being the strength for your child?
How do you give them hope?
Does your child feel really cared for?

Number 2: when we cruise
The second thing that sabotages our love is our tendency to take things for granted. 

We all take things for granted. Every holiday, festivity, memorial we chant the same thing: "it's so easy to take each other for granted". I have said it. I am sure you have to. Sometimes with a deep tinge of loss even.

At work, it is certainly easy to feel taken for granted. Often everyone wants the credit but won't really share the hardwork! You can do good, sincere work that goes unnoticed and unrewarded. Then alas, we can come home and as parents, we can sure feel like we are being taken for granted! 

More than once, I had to re-teach my children the difference between request and demand! Familiar I am sure:

child: I want chicken rice for dinner

me: say, please may I have chicken rice for dinner.

And of course with a mighty teen, a convivial conversation can turn a sudden corner into a power tussle!

It's a hard calling this parenting thing. We have to dig deep to hit the Spring that never runs dry, because we have to keep showing up and loving while we may be feeling like it's all draining away and we are bone-weary, dry and brittle ourselves. 

Downtime is so important.

But, sometimes, we let go of the wheel and cruise.

School, meals, activities...can all become so routinized. Add to that the manic presence of the little gadget that immediately diverts you away from where you are and who you are with to friends and strangers whose images and ideas are so much more appealing... Yes, attention, care, warmth and understanding quotient nose dives easily rapidly! {if you need some help putting that device away, perhaps watch this: pay attention la .

So if we want to build character in our children, we need to watch for how we lapse into cruise; because it invalidates our love for them. We need to care for them in a way which they feel and experience as meaningful.


Here are all the 5 aspects of character development:

1. Express Care: Show that you like me and want the best for me.
2. Challenge Growth: Insist that I try to continuously improve.
3. Provide Support: Help me complete tasks and achieve goals.
4. Share Power: Hear my voice and let me share in making decisions.
5. Expand Possibility: Expand my horizons and connect me to opportunities.

Which of these speak to you?

* from The Search Institute's Newest Study of Developmental Relationships compiled in the book, Don't Forget the Families: The Missing Piece in America's Effort to Help All Children Succeed (Kent Pekel, Ed.D., Eugene C. Roehlkepartain, Ph.D., Amy K. Syvertsen, Ph.D., and Peter C. Scales, Ph.D.) says there are 5 keys to building character in children.

3 tips for happier pre-school years {Parenting / Family Life series}

It doesn't happen often, but yes, sometimes we do things we didn't think we would.

What have you done for the first time - because - you are a parent?

credit: flicka.com

For the Explorer types, parenting can be a lot of fun because the whole world re-opens before you: books to read, places to go, that five-stone game you didn't quite master as a child...

I thrive and even find myself breathless trying to keep up with all the 'good stuff' we can do! Children's art festival, picnics, playdates, indoor and outdoor play, museums, library, wildlife reserves...as Dr Seuss says, 'there's places to go and things to see'!.

Hey, if you can, don't take on a full-time job just yet, because these few precious years won't come round again, ever. The pre-school years (if you don't make the mistake of filling it up with structured enrichment) is an amazing time to bond, bond, bond!

What's the big deal with a strong, abiding bond? Things are built on it. It's called a Foundation. Loose pieces not quite fitted don't provide the same foundation.


Back to exploring, doing, going out. Just a little sense I learnt in 3 D's:

1. don't exhaust yourself.

Doing stuff is not collecting stars to say you are a better parent. Don't go rushing off to all and sundry activities. Don't get all worked up that you missed that event (especially if it's free) as you gaze at the happy faces of your friends' kids on Facebook.

Tired = grumpy = inattentive = no fun to be with!


2. develop a plan

A plan is a good way to provide some boundaries. Your plan should include: how much time/energy is required. What is the budget? How many activities per month is healthy for you? Are there specific interests or opportunities you want to seize? When my children were young, I had a chart something like this:

Interest to develop

Strength to develop

Possible explore/fun

I made a list of things to do and then see if it fitted my time/energy, budget and schedule. I also thought about whether I was genuinely interested / willing to be interested to do those things; because really, what's the point of plonking them somewhere while we are busy with our devices?


As the children grew older, I encouraged them to plan for the holidays using something similar.

Time is too precious to squander away in front of the TV or just idling. Their minds and hearts are hungry to grow and are being shaped by what they do or don't do.

credit: sestram.wordpress.com

3. dat was fun!

Never make the mistake of turning everything into 'learning'-- you know, quizzing them. 'So, what did you learn?'. Unfortunately, the school system will make learning take on a negative hue so you will be adding to the burden on their little shoulders. I am huge on learning so this is sometimes an area where I go overboard. I would fret if an activity wasn't really 'useful'. O what a killjoy I can be!

Children have a way of sniffing out fun and liveliness... so just relax and see the fun in it all. Besides, learning is always happening and is most effective if you are genuinely interested and invested in it.

One of our favourite memories is making a big deal of post-rain puddles. We take time to put on raincoats, pick out an umbrella...all to jump in the puddles that formed, and then coming back to a warm bath and snack. Or how about a walk to nowhere in particular for half a hour?


A cautionary note: it's very important to take note of how your child feels about changes. Some kids don't do well with changes, new activities and unfamiliar people. Clearly, that won't be fun. So don't push it. And did we say, parenting is about first-time stuff? Well, for some of us, it will be a first to be genuinely still interested in that story we have read fifty times, "sing that song again?"... Learn to enjoy a regular trip to the playground with endless minutes on the swing. Seriously, if you have a kid who loves the regular stuff over and over; it's a gift as you can actually use that as down time. {do you have any idea how hyped you are most times?}

Well, 'dat was fun!' is the attitude that goes far to bond you! Remember, happy parents produce happy children!


Of course, Explorer types are typically married to Entrenched types who prefer the world of safety, the familiar and planned-way-ahead. In the early years of parenting, the differences in a couple actually get accentuated. Very few couples agree on how to raise their kids, what to spend time on, where to go... even who to hang out with (especially if it's with 'other parents').

So yea, not always a happy camper I. But I'll talk about that another time.


Your turn:
1. What are some ways you enjoy bonding with your child(ren)?
2. If you basically an Eeyore, how can you lift your spirit and theirs up?

You are the best parents for your child(ren): keep calm! {#1 of Being Parents/Family Life Series}

Got kids? 

Are you mom, dad, granddad, aunt...foster parent?  If you are the main caregiver (and ideally it should be the biological parents) then hold on to this: you are the best parents for your child.  To believe otherwise will sell out what you can do. Children also detect this thing called 'Unreal' very easily. I don't mean fairy tales - those are believable - but they know when we don't feel and mean what we say and do.

Yes there are days (sometimes many days) we dream of care-freer days where there was more money, time, energy (and sex?)...but the fact is  you.now.are. a parent and you cannot just throw in the towel; because lives are at stake. So -

Breathe deep.

You - can - do - this. 

The child needs you.

In fact, you need this too.

Yes, parenting is tough. There are so many easy ways to get mad with ourselves -

He looks so skinny

O dear, she's still struggling to read

I said the thing wrong thing -- again -- and now she's banged the door 

How did I end up doing this - all by myself?

There are so many moments we can get angry at the child -

Why did you hit the other kid?

 Can't you sit still? 

What? Spilled the milk again?

Why is this homework not done?

Are you even listening to me?

We get angry. Sometimes too angry.

Honest parents have concurred that sometimes they are a short step away from abusing their own kids - through words, neglect, or even punishment in a fit of anger. 

In my research for my book Simple Tips for Happy Kids, a line by a child psychologist stuck with me:

Children are petrified by Anger

Our anger overwhelms them. The energy burns into their soul and rattles them. Without the means to out-talk and out-reason us, most children are bewildered and lost when anger is frothing over like lava that melts them from the inside out. If this goes on often enough; the child becomes even more vulnerable - emotionally and physically. They will withdraw into some form of shell they must imagine exists to protect themselves. 

This is why it is so paramount that as parents we watch our emotional Richter scale! Fact is, some of us are more explosive than others and anger often erupts so we feel like we have little control. 

But eruptions happen because something is already boiling beneath the surface. 

Could it be our unmet expectations?
Could it be the pressure from others?
Could it that we are way too stretched by our ambitions?

We need to discover who we are and examine our hearts; and perhaps see a counselor.
We need to create margins and buffers.
We need to brave it and look at what is simmering within our soul.

I am not proud to confess that I have seen my kids cringe at my outbursts. But I learnt there's a way to Keep Calm. {click to read}

Keeping calm actually begins with talking calmly to yourself; for the anger has begun from somewhere deep within.

"a gentle answer turns away wrath" ~ Proverbs 15v1

Be gentle with yourself.

You are under a lot of pressure.
You need finances, solutions, energy, enthusiasm, hope and more... 

Ask yourself what is the next step required; not the entire map. Then take that step.

Be gentle with your child(ren). 

They are under a lot of pressure, like you.
They pick up your stresses.
They do want to live up to your expectations.
They experience the power of sin in themselves and others that can make them feel defeated.


I believe that children from households of faith, who have leaned their hearts Godward are born again with the spiritual capacities to love, hear and obey God. Trust in God's Grace and power at work in them.

Countless times when I have worried and panicked; I have heard through the tears and silence an assurance that 'they are okay' even if they don't seem to shine the way the world wants them to.

I have also found that gentleness with children always arises after I have prayed and sought God's love for them. His love fills me and helps me see them afresh with His eyes of patient, loving-kindness and great hope.

I turn and tell them that I notice, and that I pray, even if I don't always understand (esp for the teen). The anger that could build up within them abates and they soften.

Anger fuels anger --

be gentle with yourself so you can speak without so much edge and volume,
be gentle with the children so they can feel the freedom to speak up.

Then gentleness breeds a bond that is strong. How strange sounding; but so true.

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