Sabbath? Nowadays... You have to be joking!

24 hours? That's an entire day! We don't have enough hours already as it is. Besides, what do we DO on a Sabbath? 

I don't really have a 24-hr Sabbath right now.  I hope that makes you feel better already and will read on, knowing I am not here to pontificate or direct your life.

In fact, I am writing this post because someone asked me about the Sabbath.

There's the command. How do you feel? What goes through your mind?

Let's back up a bit and observe how we respond to this command given in the Ten Commandments that back up God's design for life.

It is easy to see that our first reaction to it is really to reject it. We back up our rejection with 'empirical' evidence, the way businesses run, the extent of our busyness, the scope of our commitments and so on.

This approach is plainly faulty. It puts God's Word at our service, where our life habits and priorities are held so dear that they resist being challenged.

In truth, as a child of God and a disciple of Christ, we are called to continually challenge "the way things are" because the world is ruled by the prince of the air and he is antithetical to God and to life!

No business (or busyness) as usual for us!

Well, when I was a teen, I loved the adrenaline this "challenge the status quo" gave me. It was cool being counter-cultural. But as I grow older, I find that more and more I am exposed to, and at odds with the world. There are now a zillion ways to feel the pressure to conform: and the gamut ranges from the public arena of trying to keep pace with the successes of others which infects our work ethic, financial values, to marriage and parenting, to even the private arena of my personal health, habits and preferences.

Just recently, I asked a few ladies this:

In what way do you feel the pressure to conform to something in our culture?

You  are conforming when you have not thought it through, when you plod on even when you don't feel it's a fit for you, when you are grappling to keep up.... Yet, despite the doubts and perhaps even a still small voice that beckons, you remain engaged, and breathlessly so.

Unless - you - Sabbath.

Sabbath is to take a break from our mechanisms, machinations, methods and even motives. It is sheer rest, that restores peace and perspective, purpose and patience.

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength,
    but you would have none of it. ~ Isaiah 30v15

We would have none of it?
What madness has us in its grip that we reject rest and strength, so essential to living meaningfully with passion and resilience?

This madness is fed by several streams:

1. We mimic others

there is a powerful theory that explains how we routinely mimic what others do. All it took was the first selfie to set us all off. Clothes, travel, work, even religion. Actually, this is a short step from breaking another commandment: not to envy. But mimicking others come so easily and naturally to us. Being like others makes us feel belonged, accepted, approved. Those are innate desires which we have to meet.

But the Sabbath allows us to disconnect with this tendency (even bondage for some) and really find that our desires are met - in God's unconditional acceptance of us. Looking outside of God always requires us to do something (smart, beautiful, connected etc) to find belonging and acceptance. Not so with God. He invites us to rest from trying to meet our deepest needs ourselves.

As we disrupt our usual frenetic pace, as we lose ourselves in worship, Scripture, prayer and activity that rejuvenates us, we are being changed and empowered in small increments to become our own person, less dependent on the need to mimic others.



2. We struggle to trust God

trust in God is something we have to experience and learn. Thankfully, God does not refuse us salvation for falling short of the Sabbath! But without a deepening trust, our faith life can become shallow and even a sham. In a world which teaches that "if it's gonna be, it's all up to me", trusting God can be challenging indeed. Also, it is in the nature of systems to punish those who don't conform and we are afraid of the consequences of not keeping in lock-step with the world.

When we keep the Sabbath, we dare ourselves to take our hands off the steering wheel, to stop agonizing so much over outcomes, to learn to let God bless us. We stay away from work-related habits, stop checking our emails, occupy our hearts and minds with the gifts of being alive and being able to explore and enjoy life.


3. We are creatures of habit

most of what we do can be done without much thought each day, and our habits create a sense of safety for us. Doing the familiar gives us a sense of 'family', of being embedded in something trustworthy because it has worked so far. It is hard then to jam the brakes and do something different. Even working or being busy 24/7 is often a result of habits we form: keeping our phones with us and online, talking and posting (way too) quickly, saying 'yes' too soon...

The Sabbath offers us a different way to pass the time and expend our energy and resources. Solitude and silence can surface for us habits that may not really serve us. As we join with others in worship and serve the needs of a community or others, we challenge our habits of 'looking out for ourselves' or 'looking out for number one'.


Our mimicry, our lack of trust and our habits grow out of the soil of our lives here in a world insistent on being apart from God.

Notice that the Sabbath command ends with a call to holiness.

Holiness in its etymology is being set apart, distinguished, differentiated, distinct, separate. Hence there is a day in the cycle of days when God says that we are to live differently - in order not to be sucked into a way of life that is contrary to God's loving design for us.

Indeed the call to holiness is a call to a different kind of life, which is made possible because of a new birth:

... no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. ~ Jesus' words to Nicodemus in John 3

The amazing thing about this new life is the diverse ways we can express it.


Does it have to be 24 hours?

If God says so, I should think we ought to humbly agree. Alas, that can be challenging. It isn't just our paid jobs, but so much of modern life requires attention, energy and resources. To relax, we have to work to plan our vacations and so forth.

So for a start, we have to simplify. So much of modern living is clutter. While the first thing that comes to mind is material possession, the more insidious clutter is in our brains and our hearts. Do we have to spend hours scanning online for the cheapest airfare? Do we have to spend hours online shopping? Do we have to have work-meetings where we typically don't eat well or work well?

We need to get serious about wanting the life of salvation God offers us. We have to re-examine our habits and priorities and design our lives to thrive such that we discover a way to incorporate the Sabbath as a part of our lifestyle.


I said at the start that I do not observe a strict 24 hour Sabbath right now. Perhaps I am wrong. If I am thinking of doing nothing, then clearly I don't have that, or will ever have it. But if I see Sabbath as a posture, a priority and a re-purposing of my life, then I am on track. Certainly, I want to get to that 24 hour pattern.

But for now, I am practising another facet of restedness. Not in terms of time, but in terms of learning a posture of trust, prioritising time with God, and putting in place habits and things that remind me that this world is not my eternal home.

So I fiercely guard my time and ensure that my calendar doesn't clog with commitments. So I figure out what refreshes me and seek those things out. So I journal and pray to lean into trust rather than fear and fret. It isn't Sabbath-on-the-go though, as each of these things do take hours at time.

Then I plan for longer one day stretches and few day retreats several times a year. The barometer for all of this is not to keep a law because God may be angry if we don't, but to observe a command because it came from the Designer and it calls us towards our destiny as God's beloved children.

Jenni's help for you to cultivate a Sabbath life:
a) Books
b) Quiet Morning




 For those who like a bit of dark humour, here is modern life in twenty slides.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): when your kid marches to a different beat and you feel beat

I have been asked to write another parenting book. What shall I call it?

Wholesome Parenting? Or -

Visionary
Positive
Successful
Enjoyable
Rewarding

Which of these would you prefer as both a description of present and future reality?

Strange we somehow hold on to the idea that a child will grow steadily through the years... while we accept the cough, cold and even HFMD, we balk at so many other things, which cause us to get ditzy, complain, compare and more:

The child who -

isn't the grandparent's bright spark
incurs the ire of caregivers
ruins a teacher's patience
is often friendless
struggles at school
has learning challenges
suffers chronic health concerns

The conditions are varied. Some have labels, others seem to even defy labels.

What kind of parenting are we left with then?

Hopeful . Persistent . Struggling

In every family, the challenges are configured uniquely. When your child marches to a different beat (or can barely march), it is entangled with other issues like finances, marital unity, balancing the care of other children, personal plans and so on. These other dimensions compound the challenges.

I wanted to homeschool my children. My husband did not think it was a good idea.
The mighty teen thinks the kid brother should just snap out of it with sheer willpower.
Well-meaning relatives and friends think that prayer and healing is the key.
And I secretly hope it's just something he will grow out of...soon!

In the meantime, you are reading, sizing up, trying out stuff... and stepping on landmines!


My now-taller-than-me son still struggles with stuff he should be adept at, like knowing what homework to do and getting it done. I cannot keep him at age eight, so he is being assigned chores at home too. He needs guidance and supervision, but as a teen, he wants privacy and space. He needs discipline and direction, but he prefers distraction and de-stressing with music.

The teen years are always tough as they need to grow deeper and larger, but everything within them wants to skip the hard stuff, as if everything gets magically accomplished while they sleep till noon.

And, he gets ballistic.

This is the hardest part. He turns into a different creature. The tender, responsive child flees as the raging monster rears its head, breathing arguments, retorts and negativity. The once languid space can turn into a war zone.

And it gets really tiring.

(The cat just jumped onto the table, as if to suggest that I trade him in for another feline. I am ashamed to confess that the thought has crossed my mind, Chats).


It takes years to get to know your own child's mind and heart.

A life is not a computer program or an excel formula. My son feels like a moving target. He grows, he lapses, he churns out new challenges.

Gracious . Patient . Trying

What do you do when you child-turn-teen loses his zest for life?
You don't lose yours.
What do you do when you don't know what to do?
You do what you know to do.
What do you do when you need everyone to back you up?
You go to them and ask them for help.
What do you do when you feel like you have lost your way?
You talk to The Way, The Truth and The Life, aka Jesus.

I have learnt so much because of this uncommon child of mine.

ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia.
How other parents must struggle and need compassion.
What the school system can and cannot do.
The power of prayer
The power of words
The power of a soft reply
The power of humour
My need for others
The glory and fun of parenting done right


This morning, I was meditating on the prophet's account of how God told him to go and visit a potter.

 “Arise and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will announce My words to you.” ~ Jeremiah 18v2

As he observed the potter at work on his clay project, he understood that the clay that conformed to the Potter's skilful work of moulding it as well as clay that turned out to be useless - that is decided by the Potter. The prophet had some sobering words for Israel: their response determined their destiny.

The Potter had the power to pick and choose the clay and work at it. He certainly began with an end in mind and is shaping the ill-defined lump into an object of usefulness and beauty. The transformation of that lump of clay can only happen when the Potter is able to work it and shape it.


This parenting thing, with all its endless spinning of daily routines and familiar battles... I feel as if I am the lump spinning on the wheel. It's a state I must embrace if His good design is to take shape.

It is also where I am a co-potter working on a smaller lump entrusted to my care. As the co-potter, I don't have the full picture of the final design, but at stages, I see what needs to be done, faithfully and constantly. My role is to do just that.

And as I listened to the Scripture account, I saw a dusty old space with a lightly bearded, muscled-man sitting by a Potter's wheel. A light is streaming in and the dust particles are dancing. The Potter's eyes are on the object, his hands pulled away for the moment, as if to consider his next move. I feel an invitation to sit and watch, to converse and understand.

God in his manifold wisdom is shaping me as I learn my role in shaping my children.


I really don't have full and complete certainty that I know what I am doing. I don't know the final outcome anyway. But I do know a few right things to keep doing -

Pray . Love unconditionally . Model . Listen . Set boundaries

It seems to be working... most days.


Postscript:
When things are blue, it is easy to blame yourself. In my case, I sometimes wonder if the financial sacrifice of staying at home was worth it. After all, if we had more money, we could have more options. But again and again, I know that any progress I make is possible largely because of the foundation of deep bond and connection we share. I can appeal to so much memories, goodness, shared love with a nod, a gesture, a knowing look. My tears deeply bother him and my prayers stir him. He may roam, but he knows where is home.

You are the best parents for your child(ren): this thing about Legacy...

She turned 18 yesterday.

She says, "it's just another day".
The law says, "Now young lady, you may purchase alcoholic beverages and smoke and drive".
Her friends say, "time for a surprise, cards, gifts!"

Her parents, yes me and the dh, are predicatably busy and we took her to lunch with some friends who are staying with us. She shared a main course with me, didn't even need some special birthday dish of her own.



This morning, she let me read a couple of sweet cards her friends wrote her. Not to be outdone, I wrote her one, declaring it Da Best Card eva!

Someone wisely said:

we are not leaving a legacy for, we are leaving a legacy in our children.

To leave a legacy for amounts to storing up treasure to hand down. But a legacy you leave in someone, is a part of them, forever. I choose the latter (not to mention the former is a bit paltry).

Honestly, turning 18 must be a big deal. But we are tired from a busy month of work and had guests in the house. She has been studying hard for her upcoming exams...and told us not to go to any expense (see comment above).

I was feeling a tad guilty, wondering if I should have done more. I will ask her again if there is more we can do. For now, I turn to gratitude (far better than guilt friends!).

Then I realised something, as my memory kicks in.

Her birthday is for me (it sounds horribly selfish until you read on please).

The last few months, there have been very significant conversations and happenings. Even as I write this, God is giving me a birthday special for the last 18 years by showing me glimpses of who my daughter is becoming and what I have sown into her life all these years. I'll just share a few:


Simplicity
Last month when I was cleaning out some stuff, I took out a large box where I had kept items from their earliest days: first shoe, first dress from grandma, a favourite book... The daughter took one look and said, "Mom, give them away!".  When she was 13, I thought to take her shopping for clothes, coz most of the growing years we lived on hand-me-downs and purchases by me. After two hours of milling around, we bought two tee-shirts from Giordano and decided that talking over ice-cream was more fun.


Spiritual hunger
More than once, she comes to me with tears, wondering why God feels distant and is silent. I want to bang on God's door to demand passage for her. But he knows the journey she must take. It's a journey that began with spiritual sensitivity even at a tender age. She responded to an altar call at age three, writing to ask for the Holy Spirit. She had prophetic dreams. Then her conscience and her brains took centre-stage as she debated the merits of the faith. Yes this one who asked questions since age seven:

"Isn't it God's fault for putting the tree there in the first place?"
"How can anyone be good enough for heaven?"
"What if it's a hoax?"

We discussed, debated and opened up books and our own lives to her.

I opted for her to do a study program that is broader and she went to a Catholic school. More questions!


Sensitivity
Thankfully she does not seem to have my melancholy, but she is very sensitive to the moods, atmosphere, needs and vibes of people and situations. She is the in-house psychologist who makes us take online personality tests so we can put each other in boxes, reminds her parents to go on dates, and worries her little head off about her kid brother who is totally unlike her, and seriously beyond her depth as a result.


She is also many things I am not and I am amazed.

Tactical
Persistent
Strong-willed
Winsome
Artistic
Athletic

She can clean better than me, take incredible photos, knit and soothe fussing children.

Ok, I still cook better.

When she was still a toddler, God told me he had entrusted an all-rounder to me, and I wondered how I would raise someone like that, my own strengths being quite limited. Quickly, I learnt that parenting is an enterprise best embarked on with God at the helm. At every turn, he assured, assisted and amazed me with His wisdom, gifts and goodness.

We had difficult times.
I made countless mistakes.
Patience wore thin on occasions.

God parented me while I parented her, for sure.

With this birthday reflection piece, I am humbled at how God grew me as a person through my parenting journey.

God also parented her, and in fact He is moving centre-stage as the perfect Parent she needs.

Yes, when reminiscing, it is true we will have a positive bias. It's not a bad thing if it inclines us to gratitude and puts hope in our hearts!

18. Having struggled and surmounted not a few mountains, it feels goo to be able to say that I have grown up with the kids. Now it's time to grow wide and older with them. (O wait, I still have a 12 year-old who is currently playing Minecraft. Tune in for his story!).


Your turn:

What glimpses of God are you getting through your parenting?Where do you see yourself in your children?How can you intentionally impart a legacy that will honour God and serve them well for the world they are to steward?

You can read more about my journey with her here:

The power of planning
It's a wild ride, enjoy it!
Media addictions
the war you must win!
How to bless your children

For all my posts of parenting, type 'parenting' in the search box on the right!

You are the best parents for your child(ren): what if our children are "maid in Singapore" products, & the future of Singapore.

Which came first? The child or the maid?

I am teasing (although I know there is serious planning that goes into this sequence, and for good reason) but this is a serious subject about our economy, our reflexes and our future.

The rhetoric in our bones: We cannot afford to lag behind, lose, get lost in a rapidly changing world. This sounds logical enough and frightening enough to keep us all marching to its beat. Our wondrous progress and all-around affluence attest to it, and we are loathe to 'downgrade', naturally.

We all get used to things, to our lifestyles; and our expectations and sense of entitlement keep us strapped to the treadmill.

I did not have live-in help at first. Then I did. Now I have part-time help. So I have experienced the range.

All the issues relating to finding, training and living with a stranger won't be the subject here. But two stories will suffice to make a point:

With my firstborn, our world revolved fairly between us and the people who came and went: grandparents, friends, neighbours, people needing a listening ear or help. I had every incentive to train her towards independence and ownership fast! I abide by the rule: if she can take it out, she can put it back. Packing, cleaning, and arranging were often done together, and turned into a game. By age five, she washed her own pair of white shoes that she wore to kindergarten each weekend. When we moved to a larger flat, she was in charge of the back toilet. I would hand her a scrub, a rag and a small amount of soap detergent. Her toilet was consistently cleaner than mine. She did not fuss, she did not whine, she did not protest and cry it was unfair.

I embraced the ordinary that needed to be done each day, the repetitive that makes a life and a home possible. Bed making, meal preparation, bedtime routines, prayer, conversations about everything. This is a quiet and insistent way of saying that life is a gift, God has blessed us, and we are able to build a life that is purposeful and joyful.

To be fair, my mother came by once a week and her presence and cooking abilities made a huge difference. The inter-generational teamwork, mutual delight, and sharing in the fruit of her labours brought a special warmth, even if that having another person also means more attention and relationship dynamics to negotiate.

We waited five long years for the next child. A beloved church community bade us welcome and I took on an official portfolio. We loved the community and the work was exciting, until it hit a very serious snag. That was when I conceived my son.

As my back has been weak due to an accident, my mother solemnly insisted that I hire a maid. This meant that my son now grew up in a completely different way. It also meant an end practically to all the usual chores my daughter did.

Between sorting out my work, re-learning parenting, being an employer for the first time, preparing my girl for school, I shifted from visionary mode to survival mode.

I tried to stick to my rule that if "they can toddle, they can clear"... but it was hard to enforce. I was more tired than before, and it was enough to default to getting the maid to do it. Both my children were fussy eaters, and my son also did not have my attention the way my girl did. We were so busy we did not realise he was becoming underweight until he was hospitalised and the doctor wanted to tube feed him!

What is truly instructive is this undeniable reality: we truly shape the lives of our children. 

The question is, what are they the products of?
Our busyness, our ambition, our lack of harmony, our relinquishment to maids?


As our ministers argue for a new narrative for Singapore, I want to ask this Q:

How successful are we: in terms of families staying together, mental health, meaningful employment, and social cohesion?

I also want to say this, having lived for half a century:

Life is about -

wear
wash
rinse
repeat

.... habits, repetitions and mundane stuff, far more than excitement. If we do not embrace and embody a vivre de joie regarding our daily lives, what are we left with really? A begrudging, dragging of feet, the whine that invariably escape from our pores and lips (sounds like so many of our children!)?

I suspect God gave us children precisely to yank us back to this reality. We get so carried away with our illusory sense of importance with our board meetings, coffee meet-up, start-up hungers, exotic vacations, exquisite dining experiences... that we keep needing more kick and fix to float our boats.

Babies hold us hostage with their ongoing needs and demands for security, love, comfort and an endless need to pay attention, adapt and solve problems. It is the bondage that fosters the bond of love. The strong parent-child relationships we see are all outcomes of parents who refuse to delegate these small things away, thinking they are insignificant.

My dh once remarked that he felt eminently jealous about why the kids gravitate to me so much. I wondered about it for a while, and then said matter-of-factly, "I have been their entire world. I am the face they see when they awake, the voice they hear, the touch they feel, the understanding they experience, the music, laughter, order... I feed them, clean their bottoms, read, pray, play with them... Do I need to go on?". He was suitably awakened, and a few years later tried to take my 'job' from me (but that's another story)!

Life is held up by repeat motions. Just try not showing up for work at the appointed time, messing with your meal times, refusing to talk with your friend or spouse.

That's why this Navy Seal Admiral actually said something totally brilliant when he exhorted the graduating cohort of Austin that if they want to change the world, they are to begin by making their beds!

Make your bed! (6min with subtitles)

Admiral McRaven: make your bed!

For families to stay together, we need to put up with each other. That takes forgiveness and it takes grit.
For us to be mentally robust, we need to grounded with a positive outlook daily. That takes joy and it takes grit.
For us to have meaningful employment, we need to be courageous to drop our labels and celebrate the diversity. That takes security and it takes grit.
For great social cohesion, we need to be unafraid of our differences and be willing to make sacrifices. That takes patience and it takes grit.

Grit, is about bed-making. Going at it, again and again.

As a teen, I once had such an acedic season I refused to make my bed and even lost interest in food (naturally, paying attention in class went first). It all felt pretty pointless to me. "Why make the bed if I am going to sleep in it again?" My questioning was cut short when my mom scolded me good and proper.! But also, I began to realise that a made bed is so much better to return to and rest in. twenty years later, my own teen would pose this question to me: mom, why bother? Thankfully I could answer with conviction.

Grit is taught and caught and if our children sees it in the maids and not the parents, we have lost something very profound.

Hands by Leong Kah Wai

A closely related value that we have to watch is Consumer Mentality.

This acts in direct opposition to all that we cherish: love, close and lasting relationships. meaningful work and social cohesion.

The world shifted on its axis when economics moved centre-stage and big corporations and advertising became the norm. There are so many repercussions from this, the most insidious one is a shift where we see ourselves mainly as consumers.

Here is a test for whether you do:

1. When you look at a situation, is your go-to mode of evaluation 'cost-benefit'?
2. Do you feel an emotional need to buy stuff?
3. Are you tempted to complain about service?
4. Is your response to "What a nice..",  typically, "It's only X dollars!"
5. Do thoughts of baling out of your relationships feature in your brain regularly?

Consumers are driven by the best price, being noticed for what we own or experience, expecting to be served, a sense of entitlement, a preference for a newer, faster model.

It is a very self-centred way to live.

People become evaluated based on whether they are thus useful to us or not. The scary implications and extensions of this are many indeed, especially as we begin to see each other as 'products' to be deployed, used, or discarded (for better models).

Emotionally, we feel empty
Relationally, we feel dissatisfied.
Physically, we feel drained.
Spiritually, we feel bedraggled.

We cannot have a different Singapore story, a different family life, and a different state of emotions, even if refuse to courageously ask some hard questions and seek some answers.

Come, let's think, pray and work at this together.

Please share how you 'make your bed' each day with your children over at: Simple Tips Community  and how you defy the pull to reduce you to a mere consumer over at: Truth, Beauty & Love.


And here are words of truth that will settle your soul:

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers

—most of which are never even seen—

don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? 

What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, 

so you can respond to God’s giving. 

People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, 

but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in 

God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. 

Don’t worry about missing out. 

You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, 

and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. 

God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

~ Jesus, as recorded in Matthew 6 v30-34

Anais Nin

My 2017 best-thoughts about life, parenting, church...

It's Monsoon season in the tropics, with plenty of rainfall. This means a pretty low season for getting out to the beach. So we headed did that for two reasons. One, it's always more restful to avoid the crowds, and secondly, the son had written in his list of post-exam delights, a visit to a beach. I know Singapore is an island, but our beaches aren't very pleasant. The sand is coarse, it's really humid, and when you look at the horizon, all you see are cargo ships which isn't a pretty sight. So, we drove the nearly two hours towards the East Coast of Malaysia to Desaru and checked ourselves into a space that was (I found out later) recently renovated. God mercifully gave us a good bit of sunshine and held the rain back so we could be at the beach. The kids read on swings hung from large tree branches or on the deck chairs.

But after a while, we simply could not resist the call of the wind and the waves. We aren't exactly sun and surf beings, but the waves' insistent pounding on the beach with its roar, beckoned us to venture towards the bit of South China Sea right at our feet.

First, we gingerly walked around the edges where the water reached the shore. Then we jumped into the waves. Then we sat on the beach and waited for the waves to come and crash us over! A slow submission to the forces of created order.

O my, what fun!

Will it be a large, strong wave that will knock us over?
How far out should we try to walk out?
Is it a good idea to perch on this rock and wait to be awashed with sea water?

There is something thrilling about being in nature and having a sport with it. Some of the most luminous pictures and writing have come to us from men and women who did not see nature as resource or entertainment, but as a world to enter in, investigate, relish and respond to.

There was something primal, basic, and simple to our joy at wave-play.

Now as I am contemplating my year soon ending, the year ahead and what to write, the memory of the waves returns to me and I smile.


This image though is of a gentler wave.

The kind that grows with the wind and momentum and then slows as it approaches shore, landing as a gentle crest on the sand. This kind of wave will not catch or knock anyone over who had their backs turned. It will not threaten to drag anyone who was playing idly by the shore out to sea. It comes in and softly caresses the shore, leaving it smoother and cleaner.

This is what I hope to do in this post. Be a gentle wave.

There is so much on my heart and in my head as the year draws to a close. Most years past, I have written about the Hope of  New in a New Year. But somehow, this year, that's not forthcoming.  Instead, I want to offer some of my thoughts this year about several subjects that always occupy me, and perhaps they occupy you too.

So this blog is about the wind and forces of God this year - in my thoughts. As a person with an active mind, I always have some new and unfinished thinking going on. I confess that they aren't always what I call 'high, holy or happy' - the ditty I used to help my son apply Philippians 4v8:

"... brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things"

We like to think that our thoughts are private, shy or secretive affairs. But they aren't. Although no one can read our minds or really tell our thoughts, they become public eventually because thoughts are the words and actions that are waiting to emerge. Indeed, the world is constantly shaped by thoughts that are being communicated, often without the actual articulation of the thought.

A relationship isn't going anywhere because the thoughts about it aren't.
That problematic situation doesn't improve because the thoughts about it are unchanged.
A dream doesn't transpire because the thoughts have not moved from ideal to action.

We are able to think ourselves into traps, corners and caves. I have enough thought experience by now that I can rather quickly tell of I am following a thought down a trail that is dark and disabling. Some lead to familiar trails that seem comfortable but are really discouraging and lead to a miry bog. When these happen, it usually ends up that I speak and act and serve muddy pies rather that life-giving delights.

Humans are presumably the only creatures in Kingdom Animaliae that can examine our thoughts.

So I want to learn to think my thoughts in God's grand presence. This means taking my thoughts to the Light and letting what is really happening be revealed. At times I have to question a thought that comes and then decide if I will bother with it. At other times, the synapses fire away so quickly, I have to check it against His Word and allow his forces of truth and grace to chisel away so that the edifices they become are more noble than otherwise.

So here are some of my hopefully, Light-infused thoughts on several subjects close to my heart.

I am writing this for myself. As you read it, I hope it works like a gentle wave that comes upon you and leaves your heart and mind feeling better. You are welcome to share it, highlighting the bits you found useful or meaningful.


A] 'Perfect' Parenting

A young adult who teaches Secondary School was talking with me about parenting. She concedes that it is really hard in a society like Singapore where we have been raised on a narrative of "win or lose it all". For the longest time, the older generation of politicians have been telling us how vulnerable we are, the need to plug into the world and be open to the gales of change, how we need to keep paddling to stay afloat. Socially, this has spurned the famous kiasu culture, where there is a fear of losing out. In a largely consumer world, this tallies nicely with another set of value: "get the most for whatever you pay". Successful bargains and great deals are a point of pride.... "Only forty dollars!"

No wonder parenting is so tough.

We need to capture and maximise our child's potential. We must not lose out, but have to grab all those opportunities. We have to get to that mega sale. Did that article say 'prebiotic'?

All of it requires energy, time, and money. The last one itself, money, requires substantial time and energy to generate! It will be great if we can decide that one enrichment class, a birthday party and a new outfit during Chinese New Year were enough. But we don't know where the finishing line is. New products and classes are always been advertised.

Yet deep in our souls, we still feel like we owe our children something. We simply cannot ensure their happiness or their success. Many women also struggle with mom-guilt at being away from home due to work.



We are driven by fear.

The funny thing is, children are happy when life has a structure and the parents are happy. It's really quite simple. But we have buried this simple thing under layers and layers of needs, demands, expectations and discontent. Our fears and worries do not a happy home or child make!

Things tend to atrophy when not actively tended to (fires die down, interest wanes, muscles weaken), then someone must take charge to build up the children and that includes building a home that has structure and peace.

That aside, 'perfect' parenting can happen if we stick to one other simple rule: respond to the child you have, not the one you wished you have. We are called to raise our children, not our dreams.

At some point, our kids will challenge our proud parent moments and make them feel like so much empty froth. They don't like to read, struggle to sit still, soil their pants at five, are awkward and shy, aren't athletic, have a fear of the water, gag on their vegetables. This is before they are a bundle of angst, question your authority and integrity, sulk and talk back!

I think the perfect parent is the one who will take a step back and look realistically at the situation, find strength in God, say "this too is a gift", and courageously head on to deal with it patiently and sacrificially.

Being child-centric is not creating a world that revolves around the child's whims and tantrums. It is a commitment to get to know your child and build a world that supports his humanity and his growth as a person first, then some possible talent or occupation. Being child-centric actually requires us to be family-centric too, for a child by design, is born into a system and thrives when the system is functional and healthy.



B] 'Perfect' church

Phil and I are very privileged to be friends with, and work with so many churches in Singapore and a few in the region. It gives us insights and a bird's eye view of things.

The church in Singapore has seen growth in the last few decades but now confront some serious challenges. We are seeing a generational divide as the millennials grow up in a vastly different world than us. Some are disenfranchised with the church. New churches have sprung up. We have serious cultural and theological conundrums, from gender issues to family discipleship.

They used to say that if you do the same things, you get the same results. I suspect that if we do the same things, we may not get any results.

It is time to consider our ways, examine our philosophy and broaden our understanding.

The church is in need of renewal.

We need to find a way for people to encounter God, to dig the Word, to be embedded in community, to be exercised in meaningful engagement with society. We need to create a way for leadership development and succession and mission expressions that are more organic. We need champions for each of this. Yet, we need a way that won't see us running all over the place, with loyalties and commitment stretched too thin to really matter.

We need brave men and women and institutions who will confront the tough stuff, and thankfully we do have them!

Online realities have emboldened many to share emotional wounds, and we  need a way for those who are seeking and are hurt to find healing. It's hard to start over in a new community, yet this is exactly what is needed. We need to help our people be more resilient and accepting of the tough stuff of community, including embracing those who need a great deal of care and patience before they turn a corner and mature.

We are being challenged to stop turning to programs, and to start being the people of God.

Seeking our definition as as people will be an ongoing journey. Our identity is lived out in context. We are loving, pure, gracious, Christlike as we respond to our situations. Our calling and impact too is worked out in context. Hence the tendency we have to hark back to a time where the church was pristine is a rather immature approach. We can and must certainly examine Scripture to see the qualities that the first disciples had. Their radical faith, courage, commitment and witness must be our compass. We need to ask how these qualities of the faith-life are to be nurtured and lived out today in our settings.

The people of God is a fascinating mix of maturity, talents, convictions and expressions. Our unity and one-ness is found in the deeper regions of the mystery of our faith: that Christ has saved us and lives in us. It is this one Christ that is our unity. Today, there is much to divide the people of God. The LGBTQ issue, Israel, Trump, and I hear of old wars regarding hymns and choruses being revisited! Let's face it, centrifugal forces are always at work. The faster we spin, the easier we fly outwards, away from centre and each other.

We need to stop being slaves to efficiency, quick answers and fast solutions.

If a plant has a sore, is a little shaky or has suffered, we do not drown it with more water, overwhelm it with fertilizer or simply re-pot it. It is needing some tender, loving care. That is exactly what the head of the church wants to do. He needs many husbandman who are willing to be his eyes, mouth, hands and feet.


C] 'Perfect' Peace

Soul, are you well?

This question can feel like an invitation, an interrogation or a threat. It all depends on how you hear it.

The person who must measure up feels a threat, suggesting he does not.
The person who has been dodgy feels like he is being searched.
The person who knows that he is welcome and his soul is a treasure hears tenderness.

The shape and texture of our Christianity matters.

Some are habitually thankful, some are constantly worrying, some are like yo-yo's. But of course we only see what's apparent. I am mostly thankful, but I do worry, and emotionally I have my yo-yo moments for sure.

During a personal retreat, I decided to do a little artwork. The first thing that I wanted on the paper was a thick red line. Not usually one given to invoke the blood of Christ, I found myself somehow relating that line to the blood that was shed for my salvation. Along and around the line, I drew trails and paths I had taken. Some seem pretty straightforward, some meandered and plunged and one or two thinned out because I had no idea where they led. It seemed the thick red line flowed right through it all and in a way called it all back and held it all.

This is peace - that He holds the pieces.

Since I keep forgetting this truth, I need to remind my soul often of it. But it's not a mind-over-matter exercise, because in the end, our minds really do matter because they have several tendencies that can undermine us. We like to think the same thoughts, it's comforting for us. So worries begat worries. We seek out information that confirms what we think, again it's comforting for us. So doubts and suspicion are easily reinforced.

So simply to tell ourselves to quit worrying is like trying to speak gently into a swell. There's an entire chorus going on in our heads that will drown out our good intentions and earnest declarations.

In my upcoming book, I will share how silence is the key to disrupt our minds and lay out new tracks for our thought-trains. But because we awake with thoughts and basically never really stop thinking, the Bible has called us to be intentional about what we think on. With that, I end this piece on my thoughts, about thoughts:

In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. (Good News Bible)

Consider the fruit of this over time, for your family life, your church, and the state of your soul. May we be more perfect* in 2018!



*perfection is a Wesleyan theological idea, of being made more like Christ. 

You are the best parents for your child(ren): when you don't feel very confident about being a parent

This post is for the honest people. If you believe you are doing a near-perfect job, don't hardly get any jitters, never second-guess your decisions, lose sleep or shed tears, move on to a Ted talk or Mr Brown.

This post is for the hungry. Not just a growl in the tum that is settled by a quick wolfing, but those who like to digest things a little, because I am going to try to throw together a dish that isn't often served, and you need time to taste it and examine its nutritional value.

This post is for the happy people, the folks who want to keep getting up and doing stuff better.

This post is about Parental Confidence, which comes about this way: Parental + Confidence.


Parental
So you had a baby, she came out all squirmy and the room felt like heaven's entry way. Near exhaustion, you beam as if an angel had scattered gold dust (maybe it has). Congratulations! Just remember this: parenting is never, ever, automatic. It is a decision.

Recently, dear Jason Wong of the Fatherhood Movement/Yellow Ribbon, put out a short vid about not outsourcing parenting.

But guess what? We do.

We need the income.
I need my sanity.
I can't do this.
I'm not the ...type.
My in-laws are free.
I am not a child expert.

Some of these are larger realities and we need to stand together to say 'No' to it. Why for example, does Singapore have to be one of the most expensive cities to live in?

Most of the other reasons fall like cards. A child is a life. A gift. A trust.  God has chosen you to bring her here (well planned or otherwise). It's been said, anyone can be the CEO, but only you can be the parent to your child.

We all know that the family unit is the basic building block of any society, but we don't really believe it. Or we will not be knocking it down so much. From overworked parents, to stressed out children, families have become a mimicry of the corporate or bureaucratic structures of efficiency and order. We fear losing out, we hurry, we spend most of our energies on administration.

We imbibe all the stuff we hear without thinking clearly for ourselves. This is called conformity. There is stern warning about it:

Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds..." ~ Romans 12v1-2

Conformity is the enemy of originality, diversity, and of power. When we conform we hand over power. I am not anti-establishment for after all, the home is an establishment and institution. No home is ever one without the need for rules and for members to abide by them. That is not conformity, for a thriving home will have space for discussion and negotiation. The aim of the rules is not provide stability for vibrancy to flourish.

When was the last time we stopped to think if we really needed all that stuff?

Have we spent enough time to really know our child and to be able to nurture her soul?

Are our marriages dying for lack of love that is a slow and daily cultivation requiring sacrifice?

I am truly glad and almost envious for those who are created so specially to be able to build a thriving marriage, family life and work life that is all Instagram sweetness. Just that I haven't really met any in real life.

The thing is, with life, you cannot really look ahead to determine the outcomes. You also can't look back and say you ended up with the best outcome. I have successful friends who watch with anguish as their children become estranged. I have so called less-successful friends who experience the same. Equally, friends across the socio-economic spectrum have good relationships with their children and their home is a haven.

Since we can't predict or retrospect, where does that leave us?

Our values. 

I have no doubt all parents want to be the best parents they can be. What I sense is that most of us don't really know how great we can be because we never really attempted it. 

From the way society and couples go about it, I feel that parenting when placed side by side against so many other things, may not be such a high value. What we don't value, we won't make sacrifices for.

In what way have you chosen to be a parent, despite the odds?


The parenting choice is not a once-off deal too.

As the children grow, I have found that reminding myself of my scared trust is a daily necessity. It means I need to have resources to love, nurture, restore, pray, train, discipline, guide, protect, and coach.... It means that when there is strife, unhappiness, sloth, and a multitude of small and large offenses and challenges, I am still the adult who can influence the outcomes the most. I have been given a strange and marvelous power. It is a huge privilege. (I have asked God many times, why He takes the risk).


Is parenting your valued choice?

Confidence
No one likes to feel like an ignoramus. But parenting can do that. It is very humbling. It's also too bad that we have forsaken our familiar networks for the nuclear family so that the load is much heavier, especially if we have other challenges.


But confidence can be grown, with time and practice. It also starts with value.



I was blessed to be number 7 in a family of 9 siblings. So I had some practice with nieces and nephews. I was also blessed to have a mother who is very skillful and adores babies. When I had my first child, my mother and my in-laws were in fact retired and available. But I valued my calling and privilege as a parent. I also know how it felt like not to have my parents available to me in my growing years. So I thanked all of them and despite discouragement, became the primary care giver and made the choice to stay-home and be the 'pastor of one' as it were (though it isn't true, folks came to my home when they needed).

Parenting is a very high value to me.

Who else does my child, chemically inclined, want to bond with so as to feel safe?
Who else is going to think through my child's needs?
Who else is going to witness the flowering of this life?
Who else is going to catch the developmental concerns as the child grows?

We need the support and help of others. But infant care and 12 hour child-care is not best way to go.


I like to think that I am one superb mom. As proof, my neighbor whom I seldom see, was startled to see me with my baby girl, and remarked that she had no idea there was a baby because she never heard crying (of course, my daughter cried, just not very much and I think it is largely due to my attentiveness).  But I have lost my confidence many times (my last post was precisely about times when we blow it. . Still, my value anchored me. I pray, forgive myself, learn, pick myself up and grow in my confidence.

Confidence comes with practice. We simply have to build it over time, hard knocks and experimentation.

I don't want to be that bewildered old person who feels awkward with her children, unsure what she has done with all the years she had as a mom, worried about loneliness or worse outcomes.

I don't want to be that parent who believes others can do a better job with my child than me, when she shares my genes and lives under my roof and longs to connect deeply with me.

I don't want to be that parent who blames school, spouse, society for how my child turns out and how she treats me.

I cannot guarantee the future, and I don't need to. I am called to live in the present, where God the I AM dwells closest to us. The present is shaped by our values, what is important to us at the eternity-moment. I am enjoying the moments of deep laughter, peace, stability and even challenges, moments that I have sown into over all the present moments of the years gone by.

It is one thing to occasionally lose confidence as a parent. It happens. It is another to relegate it away and therefore never own the parenting or grow the confidence.

And O, life is one long continuous conversation. I know some who think that they can work and earn first, then attend to the children when they are older. For the sake of the children and the future of society, I really hope the conversation did not get broken. It is hard to pick up a conversation when the sense of intimacy is lost and when the lingo is too different.


Onward parents, let's grow together in Parental Confidence. Our homes and our nation needs us.



Please share this post with every person planning to have children. 



Related posts:
 the slow cooker approach
 previous posts on parenting

You are the best parents for your child(ren): it's alright to feel you missed it or blew it

This is a part of me very few know.


It's not because I hide it, but I think our organised, efficient, high-speed society has no place for it. Also, it's very occasional.

Well, here is one occasion.

I saw a friend post on Fb about a school his son is aspiring to get into. Suddenly it dawned on me that such a school would be a great fit for my son. But of course, it calls for good grades and a CV. Yes, I, the fish unaware of the water, forgot that. So I allowed myself to get all excited about the possibility, as my son was not keen on the school he would most likely get into by affiliation. Then I talked with the other parent, turned on my computer and looked at the desired school. Immediately, I felt a mix of guilt, sadness and anger fomenting.

This is the sort of system where the winner takes it all, and the winner is a parent who can see years down the road, has resources to send the children to enrichment, keeps track of all aspects of the child's development with sterling planning, or, the parent with a child who is highly self-motivated and capable. So I felt sad that my son will not get to be in an environment where his interests and abilities can be honed. I felt angry at myself for being so blur; "it is a simple flowchart Jenni!" I yell internally at myself. I feel guilty wondering if I have done my best for my son.

What's more, I felt this whole gamut of stuff five years ago with my first born. Now it's worse, coz it looks like i didn't learn anything! Don't get me started on ... "where's the other parent", for we all know the answer to that one. Thankfully, in my case, he deeply loves the children and is involved in their lives. Just not the school bit very much.

I would like for more parents to be able to flub about our trip ups, laugh over our foibles, cry together over our spilled milk. Why doesn't such a parenting club exist? I will call it, "We are humans after all, parents club".

So I drew in a deep breath, and I wrote this.

I believe, somewhere out there is another parent like me.

You want the best for your child but you wonder if you have given them the best. You love them to bits but you know that somewhere out there are things you wish you could give them, but they are forever beyond your reach. You want to provide and prepare them well for life, but you find that it's all a tad complicated. You want your child to thrive and excel but you also know you don't fully buy into the system or the values around you. You wrestle with a child who isn't 'standard issue', who has learning difficulties and temperamental challenges. 

Honestly, I think my comfort and hope will be slim and threadbare if not for this larger truth: my son is first and foremost, God's child. His very breath is a gift from heaven. The sovereign watchcare of God, the signs along the way that shows his present love, and the love between my son and I are more enduring and important. Missed opportunities, detours, delays, cannot upend God's desire and plan for us as long as we do our best, even if our best seems to fall short of the national standard.

In fact, the Spirit whispers, "your best is always love".

But "all parents love their children", I respond.

{Important sidenote: when the Spirit whispers, don't talk back. Listen some more.}

[me sitting and waiting....then a memory comes back]

I search for one of the first parenting books I read, How To Really Love Your Child, and find this:

"The foundation of a solid relationship with a child is unconditional love. Only this can assure a child's growth to full potential. Only this foundation of unconditional love can assure that such problems as feelings of resentment, being unloved, guilt, fear, insecurity don't become significant problems." 

"Jesus looked at the young man and loved him.." ~ Mark 10v21

This was no surface, superficial, fluff. This young man had come respectfully with a great question, a serious desire. Jesus saw that he was not ready for the answer. Yet Jesus loved him, and loved him enough to tell him what he needed.

This is love. It really sees the person, beyond the 'presentation', whether that is potential or problems.
This is love. It really believes the person is far more that what is presently clear.
This is love. It really feels and reaches out with truth to free the person from his burdens.

In a moment of anxiety like the one I had, my son became a statistic.

The Holy Spirit is comforting me and reminding me that I have loved and that is what counts. In the years that I have kept on choosing to see him for who he is at each milestone, and helping him take the next steps that he needs (not the system wants him to) so that he is growing, I realise is love.

Loving my son is about me accepting my child where he is, and yet knowing he needs to keep going and growing, all the while, safe in his Heavenly Father's love, experienced through my unconditional love for him.

The fluster and bluster is brief and I am located back in a place of peace and conviction, and looking forward to see him back from school!

So, welcome to the Real Parents Love Unconditionally Club and share the Love!

this wonderful book!

You are the best parents for your child(ren): the real reason why I stay home

The real reason for things isn't always at first clear.

I always thought I chose to stay home because I grew up missing my mom who was busy with making ends meet and tending to a rambunctious brood of eleven.

Then of course, I thought it's about my vision for family life that was cultivated over the years, reflecting on what I lacked and what God speaks of in His Word about a new order and a new way.

Later, I felt strongly that the choice, not hard at first, but harder as the years go by (due to tiredness, seeing friends move so much 'ahead', not quite using some of my gifts), was about learning to live the cost of my convictions.

But today, the real reason suddenly presented itself to me.

God was making His home in me as He journeyed with me to make a home for my small family.

I am not sure what you feel as you read this. Maybe read it again?

Did you get that? Staying still, being small, all those feelings of insignificance, seemingly missed opportunities, living with less, trying to be true to my calling and gifts... all of what feels like loss has led to my greatest gain.

I am at home with God my Father, I know the experience of His being present, alive, living in me. I feel a security that no one else can assure me of. There is a largeness and largesse that no success or rank can offer. 

"The very credentials.. I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash - along with everything else I use to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I thought i had going for me is insignificant...so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him" ~ Philippians 3v7-9  The Message Bible

Contrary to popular notions that says the SAHM is a frustrated woman with a dour, shriveled existence, I have grown large and deep, enough to welcome the Maker. He is not a rare visitor, the A&E (or ER) paramedic that comes running. He is not an ethereal sensation. He is right here, right now, happy to be at home in and with me. I have harvested the fruit of persistence, patience and resilience through the many repetitive, humdrum days and nights. I have seen the fruit of wisdom grow in my life.

It takes a special grace to see that God is with us in the mundane (we are so silly to always connect the Divine with the spectacular, I mean, earth is exciting, but God has the entire Universe people!). He chose to come live among us didn't He, and said He would always be with us.

It takes a special Grace to sense God's working in what seems to be so little, so simple, so slow.

It takes a special Grace to fight the trends and voices all around, and eventually get to the place that you recognize the Voice that really matters.

And staying home, where there seems so little stimulation, where you may be craving better food and conversation, is like an extended time of solitude for God to come by, if we would invite Him to. 

Some of us are called to bear heavy crosses: finances are thin, we have many dependents, there may be chronic illness, special needs. But so many of us take upon ourselves crosses the world hand to us: a certain lifestyle, rank and reputation, title and titillation.

What if God gave us children to ask us to break away and enter a new way of life with Him?

What if it's about learning to see God's smiles in our children's?
What if it's about enlarging us as we pray desperate prayers when those tears don't stop and the night drags on?
What if counting pennies creates in us contentment and generosity?
What if walking at the pace of a distracted two-year-old and answering the endless 'why's?" is how God is walking with us?


When the days are long, and I recall that there is no retirement or exit clause in parenting, my heart goes out to those mothers who have to work 100% and parent 100%. The work ethic is Singapore is so punishing at times, I see parents everywhere not really attentive, present or engaged with their children, or with their own souls. What losses are we suffering, in our lives, our homes and as a society?

The world has recently been reeling from violence, first, from terror, then from horror. The latter is seeing unfit leaders assume office and perpetuate unwholesome ways of leadership, which will become the subtext of how societies do life in time. What is going on? I talked with my Filipino helper who lives with me, her two daughters still back home in the Philippines. While most employers want to get a good deal out of their worker, and I do expect good work, I am even more concerned for her daughters. I wondered if the generations of absent mothers and fathers have led to so much crime in their society. Sadly, even educated Filipinos don't see that the solution is not a hacksaw that perpetuates the language and habits of violence. Lives are treated with such disdain, what a travesty of God's Will, in a land that claims to be religious no less.

We know that we live in an inter-dependent world. But we the richer ones are often the takers. I may overstate, but it is crazy if we contribute to another society's breakdown while trying to do good by giving away material things or going on mission trip, boosting our spiritual egos. These are hard and real issues. And no one has time for these deeper things if we are all drowning in our eyeballs with grasping and grabbing.

Suddenly, the reality that the family is the basic unit and building block of a society hits me with fresh force. The question is,

Is anyone home?