how to stop axing the education system

Everyone hates the education system it seems. Parents complain, students complan, teachers complain.
First off, complaining is a really bad way to live.
But as a mother of a Pri 2 I get to come face to face with the system! My main line of thinking - after I did some griping (which bonded me quickly to many other parents; 'misery loves company' see) - was how to help my precious one live with the system in a way that made her stronger (and i dont mean academically).
i think the whole come out strong academically smacks of crass consumerism really. It's the old 'let's get the best out of it' approach -- and sadly, what is best is quickly defined as a resume. Sure, i can understand that we want our kids to do well, excel and have a bright future ahead...
but consider this: does it really help a child feel motivated and excited to learn if it's always put down to the bottom line of 'success'? does it really help the child aprpeciate the larger world and important significant people in their lives (ever heard: but teacher say...) when they feel conflicted and wonder if they fully trust their teachers who parents may speak disparagingly about? does it help our kids have e healthy respect and confidence to relate to figures of authority when we ourselves rubbish the system these people serve?
Yes, there are serious challenges in the system. My own precious one has had 3 form teachers in one year! Parents have reason to be in uproar. But i thought, i want to position myself as a partner to the people in the system. i want to engender trust, confidence and goodwill. i want our teachers to feel appreciated and motivated.
Naturally my precious one came home with the systemic gripe disease. I was tempted to play along...but then I decided to turn it to up my child's adversity quotient. I spoke to her about being adaptable, focused, and determined. Her success may be affected but it is not determined by circumstances.

if you are a teacher reading this, thanks! as parents we have chosen to trust you and i hope we honour that trust as we honour you. dont let us down.

ouch!

it's easy to read and think about injustice, oppression, poverty, gender inequality...and then to start imagining that compassion is forming and i am becoming a better person.
so here comes the test.

venue: swimming pool
i gingerly dipped myself into the 1.2 metre pool, intending to just do a few breaths before i run out of breath...naturally i looked around the pool.
one end, a few rowdy kids. the other end, five women.two filipino and the other three were being assisted by them. one of the women clambered up the side and sat there. she noticed the scabs on her leg and started picking on them and rinsing them out into the pool.
okay! that was major uncomfortable for me. i did not come to swim in such waters. i felt my frustration rising. i had come already. it'd be foolish to just leave. But she was clearly intellectually challenged; so i cannot quite talk to her...finally, i walked over and surprised myself that i managed to calmly say to one of the filipino ladies, "please tell her to wash her wounds in the toilet, not here", and i turned and went back to my spot. i was still rather rattled and felt badly.

What would you have done if anything? would it have mattered to you? perhaps i am rather fastidious huh?

i believe that a more compassionate way was to go up and befriend these ladies. then i can speak out of a place of connection. but i let my irked self rule me and i may have lost an opportunity to bring some cheer to myself! after all, the two filipino helpers did not seem too enthusiastic about what they were doing.

Here are 2 poems i got from a friend comparing the stay-home mom with the career mom. i added some bits to it as i felt the poems were unevenly stacked against the stay-home mom. Tell me what you think!


The stay-home Mum :
“I bumped into her at the supermart today
Smartly dressed in a grey suit by Dolce
Her name card said “Regional Director of Sales”;
I couldn’t stop staring at her immaculate nails.

She lamented that her work-hours were inhumane;
Promotion was the bonus; overtime the bane.
Somehow I sensed she wasn’t really complaining
In fact, I felt it was back-handed boasting!

She said she hoped for a posting to Hong Kong
Didn’t matter if husband or children wouldn’t go along.
I bit my tongue to refrain from the question
‘Is your family not at all important?’

We exchanged goodbyes and promised to meet up
Made mental note to Self – ‘Must put on makeup!’
For a while I wondered how it would’ve been like
If I’d too stayed at my job, slogging day and night.

I consoled myself I was the better mother
Why, I cook, bake, sew, clean and even tutor!
My children aren’t brought up by maids – Thank God for that!
But giving up my career – would I one day regret?”

And then I remember all the moments I’ve had
No one can pay me or concoct the brew--
When baby first turned over, walked and said ‘mama’
The many soul moments we connected and I knew I got through

I well too recall the things I do
I did not think I would or could -
Through all kinds of moods
The cleaning the planning the giving the loving
How I’ve grown up -
Beyond the economy


The Super Career Mum:
“I almost couldn’t recognize her today, you know
Good heavens, she really has let herself go!
The clothes she was wearing have seen better days
I swear she wore them when disco was the craze.

Her children were with her – the youngest was a tod
All four of them looked alike – peas in a pod!
For children nourished by mother’s constant presence
Their conduct and stature didn’t suggest excellence.

We could hardly talk, with all the din they caused
They kept doing things that made their mother cross
I said to Myself: I’m glad for my sanity
Not being at home is more than just vanity.

She once was rather bright, this homemaker mate,
It’s a pity she chose to let herself stagnate.
My life is more than just about my family;
At least I know where my abilities can take me.

That encounter confirmed what I’ve always said:
‘Staying home has no value if there’s no value-add.’
I’d much rather work – that’s what I excel in
Let my maid and tutors earn their keep and living!”

Or perhaps the system is all wrong
We have placed values where we can only be strong
But fear and weakness are good things in life
They drive us to seek, to find and to thrive

All of this life deserves some more thought
I need a vacation
Good thing - I can afford
I’ll sit and think through my options again
When I am near sixty what would I have gained?

life and life :-)

needful activity

I saw something that moved me deeply. It really was a fairly plain sight. I was driving to the library and was caught at a red light. To my left, Isaw a young man walking with an elderly woman ... his mother? He held a dandy shopping carrier in one hand; she held a walking aid - the kind that fans out into four small legs as it reached the ground. To my dismay, they turned the small corner and stood waiting for the light to turn green. To the dismay of the long queue of drivers now behind me, I stopped long enough for them to cross a full lane of the road before I inched slowly around the bend. She hobbled slowly. He did not hold her or even touch her; but he kept a half-step behind her and turned his body a little so he could see her steps. My heart warmed; and my mind swarmed with thoughts.
Why wasn't he at work? Where were they headed? They were not in the vincinity of any clinics (probably the most frequented place for someone her age). Perhaps a visit to a sister. The whirring of the world around stopped as I looked at the pair. One with a life ahead, one with most of her life now behind her. For him, life needed him to stride with the quick steps of an determined achiever; for her, life would often be an unsteady re-tracing of steps...but now, they walked together askance, slowly, slowly.
Here wasn't fabricated soppiness. He could be son, kindly neighbour, a religious affiliate. It didn't matter. He was there for her when she needed someone. He could be at the arcade, in the library, hanging out with guys, ogling girls. But here he was, in the middle of the afternoon, walking down Ang Mo Kio Ave 8 with an old woman; careful that she would be safe.
Now how many of us count that as worthy activity today? The steps they take are small and add not a whit to the grand wheels of economy. When I arrived at the library, there was much hustle. Students were decked out on every avaliable spae - in the cafe -- most of them around a basket of fried snacks and the fifty perent discounted cuppa. Busy with their own lives, and dreams, and apetites.
Being available for someone else. Not many of us count such needful activity today.

happiness

what brings out a smile?
what puts that skip in your step?
what lifts your heart and spirit?
what helps you hope and dream again...
what makes you glad to be alive, to awake in the morning?

admittedly in light of the two major catastrophes in Myanmar and China, these questions appear frivolous. But precisely because life is fragile, we should ask what we find worth living about and for.

of course these questions can turn to self-indulgence and even self-pity. but there is an easy way to avoid that: ask those questions for someone else; and ask if you bring that smile, cheer and light to someone else.

if only we helped each other to live better, we would all die more ready.

exam stress

OK there is more than one way for parents to be stressed by the kids' exams. the normal way is to get all excite-rated, take leave off work and hone the kids' examination skills. the other - my way - is to forget there are exams! haha. yes. my stress is not on the kid's results; but on my actual ability to have forgotten it despite written notes from the school principal etc. Well...perhaps i'm not too keyed into the system?

Overall, we are focused on learning new stuff as a challenge and having lots of fun. i think that's OK till the system squeezes us further. till then...i'll let this blog now what shape emerges ....

break free?

it's with much sadness that i read the story of how a child prodigy finally broke free - only to find herself with licence and the very real burdens of staying afloat...imagine being in one reality for so much of one's life - more than ten years - in a regimented home without much exposure to the world. suddenly, she is in oxbridge and the one who would interpret life for one is not there. it is freedom, opportunity and chaos all at once.
pity the father who does not understand what life, growth, maturity and success truly means. pity even more this poor gal whose unreal world comes crashing down - and she does not know what to construct in its place....
it reminds me of another girl, a Singapore girl who established notoriety-fame by seeking to break the world record for having the most sexual encounters within a day. what would drive any one to do something like this?
i cannot be sure; but i do know this even within my own bosom - we are deeply insecure beings and re-anchoring ourselves regularly is essential to sanity and substantial living.
When we move too fast though; this may not occur at all; and we have many sad tales of the once successful become have-been-theres lose their bearings and their birth-right as essential beings in a inter-connected world. what waste. what travestry.
we hope. it does not happen too much. we hope. it does not happen too close.
but our hope is paper-thin and easily torn asunder. for some, like this gal, all the world she has known holds no hope it seems...
no, hope must come from beyond us. HOPE must be captial H.
we need something/someone stronger, deeper, more permanent and enduring to moor ourselves to. that's Hope. reach for it. write me and i will tell you Hope's name.

a toast to DO-ers

when we think about change, we always focus on the external. i just spent some time at the singapore river contemplating the changes she has underwent - from a muddy silt filled disease channel to a fish filled waterway today. Most Singaporeans can viusalise the old days of lighters and bumboats and sweaty coolies hunkered under the weight of sacks of rice, coal, sugar, spice.
But as I read some of their stories i was startled at how they saw life. it was something to be endured. they had to plod on daily. there was no space for dreaming, no idle talk of self-actualisation.
How much has changed. And I am referring to our inner landscapes. Now it seems most of us think it our entitlement to be happy, fulfilled and entertained.
Of course, i do seem to note that the world is filled with two large groups of people: those who do and those who dream.
I belong to the latter, endlessly mining for greater meaning, romance and beauty. But woe is me if i ever think i am better, wiser, 'righter'. Indeed, it is often those who do, and do, and do, that makes our world go round.
I marvel at those who do, work, and come alive at smallest gifts: a friendly overture, a smile, a seat on the MRT.

Louisa May Alcott: Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations, I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.

Yes we must. We must also make our beds, greet our elders, sit for a while with a friend or a stranger..

feminine appeal

I had wondered how i would raise my feminine child. Beyond the brids and the bees, there is a whole lot more to being girl-lady-woman. But today, she threw me off with her question:
"mom, why do the women do all the work?"
Thankfully i composed myself - for this is one of my personal peeves with many men - and prodded where the question could have arisen from. She has been watching the adults around her, and yes, what she has noticed; being a young girl who spends her life between school and home, is that the women are all abuzz with hecitivty.
Here was a chance for me to plant compassion, hope and truth, or to dampen her spirit with my own sorry complaints and pietous views of justice.
"Men and women have different strengths. The men work very hard too, but outside the home.... Each of us should work hard in our way"
"But so-and-so just...[she recounts a routine she is familiar with]"
"Some were not taught to do much cooking and cleaning.... Is that helpful for them and others?"
"No"
"This should tell you to marry someone who can also cook and clean huh?"
"O, i want to marry someone who can do everything so i can just play with the kids!"
(laughter)

still applicable: wrote this in 05

Entering 2005, nearing 40..

How did our world become so broken?

Every which way I turn, I confront brokenness: lives embittered and hardened struggling to go on – with busyness, with alcohol, with apathy. Lifeless marriages and listless youths ensnared in the unending downward spiral of unmet expectations and confused emotions.
[08 update: in the month of January i befriended two mothers with woes in marriage and children. serious woes.]

We are a generation that can eat a global spread but remains hungry for the next new sensory experience. We are a generation that can learn at byte-speed but remain directionless. We are a generation that cares for the body with extreme extravagance but remain sick in our hearts.
[08 update: see for yourself]

And, now, suddenly, an earthquake - and - tsunamis – and some we love are lost without a trace. Others we could not care less about disappear into oblivion it seems. In the thousands! It seems even our physical world is in travail.
[08: thankfully only hard hitting rains and a strange chill so far]

We long for harmony, a zen-like quiet within and outside us. But Life has a way of shocking us. God has a way of shaking us out of our stupor of endless vanities and chasing after the wind. There are troubles within. There are troubles outside.

Desperate, i turn to God’s word for solace. Sometimes I come away with greater understanding. But mostly, I come away humbled by the awesome greatness of God and drop to my knees again to repent of the stubborn sins that are both private and universal: like trying to live the way we want. Like trying to gratify our desires without regard for others, and the environment. Like loving so badly and poorly…when people are what matters most.

Even as I write, there is a strong wind howling about. It reminds me of the fire of the Spirit of God that can blow and show up the hollowness in us that makes the wind shriek and curl in howls. O puny person, humble yourself. There is much you cannot control, engineer, conceive, anticipate. This is Life: God’s design – full of surprises that enthrall and also frighten – the gift of God’s breath; to be lived with, not apart from the God who gave it in the first place.

kid talk

I dont brag about it but i am immensely proud of my two year old's growing voabulary. of course, most words come out rather weakly enunciated - but hey, the guys' only TWO!
He just got up from his nap and snapped out of his drpwsy stupor when he heard the whirr of blades! His favourite guys around the neighbourhood are near....those noisy grass-cutters. if he was wearing a kilt he would have hitched them as he scurried tot he window, saying 'hurry, hurry'..
wait a minute. i taught my son 'hurry'? o dear...here am i, convinced life is going by too fast, making deliberate efforts to slow down -- and my son is saying 'hurry!!!'. Hm.
i hope life values transcend vocabulary.

speaking of kids, a young lady was visiting with me and since she is involved in sociological research, i eagerly asked if she knew what contributed to the fact that young children and even infants in Singapore go to bed at hours that defy logic. i have actually seen less than year-old children being carried home, wide-eye at 11pm, probably after the day at grand's or nanny's !
My question is: we are subjecting our kids to our work schedule. In Singapore work comes first really....

happy NEW? year ?

Hands up, those who feel like 2008 has been more of 2007. Today, i just felt somewhat disappointed at the continuity of life. Yesterday is somehow still around. So, I took a deep breath and considered the reasons:
1. some things go on
i guess this is something we must accept and embrace. Some things wont be new just because we plastered up a really swanky or inspirational screen saver on our computers. Such as my daughter's tendency to forgetfulness as she yaks away...i blistered and blustered at how she could misplace and totally not recall...but, she is still her! Perhaps somewhere, with all my grand ideas of change and renewal, i forget that!
2. some things will fade off
perhaps there are still lingering things from 07 that need to be cleared..eventually, the newer things will arrive....
3. some things call for deliberate make-overs
well, if we want 08 to be different from 07; we need to get specific. some things will clearly call for decisive and disciplined effort (such as that exercise plan).
4. some things will catch us by surprise
ah, life is more than happenstance; but there are times things simply -- happen! For me, it was meeting a divorcee whom i somehow care for; and somehow, that took a good deal of my emotional energy. So i had to review my energy management and consider my options..perhaps i am seeking to be more than i am called to be.

Silly me, I am in a new year, after all. There is much to accept afresh, anticipate, celebrate and expect.

the fridge repairman's corner of the world

My really new refrigerator's ice-making capacity broke down. instead of nice cubes of ice timbling down, my ice tray sheeted over (too bad it's only large enough for a hamster to skate on). So, i had to call the repairman. I had figured that since the ice still formed, but it came out in a sheet; it had to be the hidden-from-sight ice-tray up to no good. True enough, without enough dismantling the device, the repairman plainly said to me that the tray has been hit and is broken. He had appeared at my door with a small defined box under his arm.

me: wah, looks like this is a common fault
frm: it is lah. people put coke cans and stuff so the ice tray bangs and breaks lor
me: how come cannot just replce the broken tray?
frm: the whole thing comes together. u keep the old thing lah in case one day you can use it again.

In under five minutes, he took out the entire device - the size of a small shoe box - replaced it and was writing me a receipt for nearly one hundred and forty dollars!
The we spoke some more:

me: u guys are paid a fixed salary is it? [i am thinking, how to be paid any other way if this is how things are fixed]
frm: yes, nowadays, everything is quite ...module. it's not like last time. even a plasma TV, usually you have to replace the whole part.
me: no need to really troubleshoot.
frm: i pity the old guys, today even a belanga (a chinese slang for an indian national) can do it - just have to know the part only.
me: yes i remember the old days, the TV repairman took out this whole board and was testing the tiny bulb bits..
frm: nowsadays, no need lah. all the training wasted.

by now, he is at the door, has his shoes on, and turns to leave as i wish him well.

I thought i saw something in his eyes. A sort of sadness that life has become so 'easy'. I wonder what it meant to a man's pride --when machines design things by portions and he cannot creatively resolve a problem. A bit of dumbing down is happening here - in our very progressive world!
And yes, pity the older generation who rightly bemoans that it is they who know the real stuff.