To grief, mourn - for a stronger soul, and a gift of song

The way we grieve tells us more about who we truly are than all our acclamation. After all,

you mourn if you cherished
you cry if you feel loss
you sob silently for the broken heart is one that no longer holds it all together

This week will reveal our hearts, yea, our soul Singapore.

A visionary, sacrificial, bold architect of our little isle-state, one who is synonymous with our national journey is so many dimensions, has passed on.

We have been -
children who played
Teens who sulk
Adults who sweat and swear

But children, teens and adults all share one reality: we embody a soul. In times of grief, we cast off  our trappings and don the same apparel of mourning. We strip to basics and wear the cotton and linen and slop around in slippers, keeping vigil, losing sleep, living a different timetable and purpose.

Grief is our internal process, thoughts, feelings, the weight in the chest, the churning in the gut, the unspeakable thoughts and feelings. Mourning is crying, journaling, creating artwork, telling our story, speaking the unspeakable. Mourning makes it possible for us to touch, express and release our grief. {trans-formative power of grief}

This is why I urge all Singaporeans to find a way to mourn. I am glad that was the word the Prime Minister chose in his announcement. 

The late Mr Lee stirs us all up in different ways. Most of us are filled with an admixture of admiration, awe and angst. We are grateful for his grit, we may not be so thrilled with some of his iron-clad ways. This is because he is just human, like you and me. He is responding to his times, with his personality, training and convictions. We will never find anyone totally agreeable to us. What moves humanity along is a level-headed and full-hearted embracing of persons for who we are, recognising the difference we all make to each other.

What feelings are within you? It may be purple today and grey tomorrow.

Mourning is thus a deeply personal experience. But when we share a grief and a loss, it can be a collective experience too; one that calls us to go beneath the surface and reach out to one another. One that calls us to pause and consider, for

Loss is not just an ending; it marks the beginning of a new way of being.

This is not the time to scramble or fear. It is the time to remember, revisit and recast. 

This SG50 year, we had a song competition. I thought of our little nation and all that we have built: the infrastructure and functional values. On the Maslow's hierarchy, we have met our security needs. We are at the place where we seek the higher order needs of soul and spirit; the stuff of fulfilment. I am immensely gratified and proud of the many good Qs, initiatives and ideas that have poured forth. The late Mr Lee has helped us built a robust foundation for us to pursue these higher order matters. 

As we walk the next leg, let us take a leaf from other cultures and societies for this journey - observing what works and what backfires or even unravels. 

But it is time for dreaming again. 

Dreams do come true
We set our hearts
And pledged
to be
Happy
to prosper and progress

Chorus:
Miracle island
Shining in the world
An inspiration
That small things can
Make a difference


Look at us now
With our pioneers
Setting pace
We arise
To cherish and aspire


Bridge:
Our journey continues
A richer soul
Where each one is part
Of the greater whole
hearts are free
Every dream grows
as surely as the river flows

{lyrics: jenni ho-huan tune: dorothy yew for The Gift of Song, 2015}

And while you dream awhile, let these pictures stir you: is this what you dream of, or is it something else? Top 10 cities {Lonely Planet}

What has your entire attention?

What is real, is what's before you.

Singapore's Marina Bay Sands

The rest of it doesn't exist except in your imagination, fantasy or worry.


It's 10:30am in the household and I am writing after the a late school-holiday breakfast and chores. Earlier I received a message from a friend, She shares one of her favourite verses, Matthew 6v34 ~ "therefore do not worry about tomorrow..." and then adds The Message rendering of it:

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

My entire attention.

Let's see, from the moment I awoke until now, what has managed to get my entire attention?

The personal time in the bathroom
The making of the bed
The setting out of food
The greeting of the children and the cat
The whatsapp
The breakfast meal
God

What about you?

Some things capture our attention.
Some we rather not have to attend to.
Some things it may be better not to pay any attention to!

bacteria - yes!

Our attention is trained.

From the earliest days, we train our attention. Were we taught to look out: at natural wonders, that crooked line, the neatly dressed child, that clever kid, the policeman who may catch us for misbehaving? Were we taught to look within: to notice our feelings and our motives?

When the children were little, we took walks often. Not very long ones, just around the neighbourhood, to the park, to the pool....and it is on these walks that they got their a good training to soak in daily wonderment, from bugs to leaves, from buses to lives.

Our attention is also strained.

As we grow older, more demands our attention. I find the children less able to sit still and pay careful attention because their lives is running on an RPM that would have sent the vinyl disc flying off the turntable. There is so much crying out for us to look into, consider, buy, plan, anticipate.

We gradually lose our ability to live in the now, to be real, to give full attention.

So today, with all that lies ahead and whatever surprises (including how my attempt at a new recipe will turn out), I am going to begin right now to pay attention to this one truth that makes re-gaining and re-training my attention possible: I am but a child of God. 

I am going to pay attention to this truth of my identity.

For out of this place of security, like a young child who explores because he feels safe; I can look out at a world spinning wild with troubles large and problems small... and ask, what is my Father doing right now? There is a place to ask what He is doing in Iraq, the church.. there is also the place and needful to ask, "what are You doing in my marriage, my children's growth, my own heart with all its many alleys and corners....

Little children are trainable. They have a natural curiosity. They are thirsty for absorbing fresh, new things. They are easily enthused, They are trusting.

As I return to my identity as God's child, I open myself to be re-trained to think and feel; to grow to become aware and attentive to His ways. Over time, we are able to pull away from our worries and be present to our lives, to what is real right now....and to live under God's sovereignty and goodness with a peace that is deep and abiding.


In fact, I am going to sit and give my entire attention to my Father for a while. Who knows what He will show me?

Why don't you do so too, and perhaps share what you saw or felt?

Resilient Kids..

The sequel. 

I always knew in my heart that the book to follow my first tiny parenting book, Simple Tips for Happy Kids 

-- would have to be Simple Tips for Resilient Kids!

But then, secretly I wished my kids would not have to help me learn it  - the hard way. I mean, if they don't ever buckle, why would I have to learn how to help them to become resilient?

Perhaps they are not real, but there are kids who just seem to have it all so together! My daughter has a classmate who does well, is head prefect, bakes for her classmates, well-liked and highly regarded by her peers...I studied her as she rides home in my car, and marvel at her motivational levels and her abilities! I don't like the fact that she sleeps six hours and less each day; but she appears to hold it all up and together just fine! My only conclusion: she's cut from a different cloth.

This is probably the first and most unlikely key to resilience: Acceptance.

You see, resilience is a combination of mindset and energy. They must work in the same direction. Very often, our complaining and whining saps us. Hankering for things to be different weakens us because precious energy is being used up. Eventually we cannot think clearly, withstand the current pressure, and make the changes required in order to see a different outcome.

If you want to go triumph over something, you have to first accept it is real. tweet this 

Which for the parent means accepting that your kid has limits.

Since there is no one sure-fire way to prefect parenting because it doesn't exist (yes, you can stop looking for it now); because the Parent is someone in a particular relationship with another human being and each relationship is unique. tweet this


Every relationship must recognise the limits the individuals confront at that point. Some limits are obvious: physical limits, abilities (will not touch a musical instrument?)... while others are limits due to maturity and mindset.

Resilience happens when we can push that mindset and broaden it.

It doesn't have to be about scaling Mt Everest. How about completing homework, being kind to a sibling, handling some form of peer judgement and rejection?



The younger one was struggling with attracting some heavy-handed attention from his peers (some kids are simply magnets for bullies and such like). He gets shoved, they find it fun to trip him up, or worse, sometimes gang up against him.

I can, and did, spend energy railing about the system, other parents, how unfair things were ...but it was when I accepted that somehow this is what my child was up against that I was strong enough to help him find his strength to face this.

Day in day out we talked about his emotions, his reactions, the scenarios.... we discussed our values and agreed on acceptable responses. He needed to know the world can be scary this way but he need not be overwhelmed. 

The tears grew less. the anger cooled, he devised his own strategies...and this year we alerted the teacher and enlisted his help. Resilience is not letting the kid charge headlong or go it alone. It is coming alongside to add your strength to his and help him find out how strong he can be as he matures. We all need each other to help us be strong.

In this instance, he needed to know he was strong enough to rein in his frustration and seek the good of others. It's a Grace moment and movement that happens in the heart as we cultivate the soil by ridding it of fear and planting hope.

Yesterday we were doing a school survey on pupils' experiences with peers. He chose 'yes' for a good number of negative experiences! But it was done with a matter-of-fact composure and he reminds me a few times, "Mom, I'm a good boy".