You are the best parents for your child(ren): just keep winning this 'A' tussle

Some of the worst wars are unseen.

That successful executive on the Feature page?
The bedraggled after-work aunt dozing off on the train?
The young man all suited up in stylish A&F?

We all live lives of quiet desperation so said Thoreau. We do. We desperately want a better, easier, richer, more colourful, fulfilling, exciting, relaxing... life.

We also want more co-operative, agreeable, disciplined, spiritually receptive children, who are more like us.

So this war rages on within us. The war of Acceptance.



It takes much to accept our lives, and to accept our children.

What I have learnt is this: refusing to accept blinds us to the good and robs us of the good to come. 

Of course there are things that must change. There always will. The children can learn to speak more respectfully. They can be more considerate that the home is a shared space and take care of it. They can contribute ideas, time and even means. There are habits that must be looked at seriously and overcome perhaps.

But grumbling about how bad things are hardly ever improves anything.

The world is very slow at learning this because the family which is the soil of all human BE-ing has been stripped of so much of this wondrous nutrient called Acceptance. In our eager rush to fit in with the norm, to catch up with the best, to be ahead of the pack, we will forever zoom in on what is 'missing' and 'lacking'. It will be the last twenty marks on that paper 80/100 that captures our attention. All the time we are communicating, 'I cannot accept this'.

This is what drives children to suicide.
This is what gives us a world that hurtles on with  a superficial 'progress' as we watch our souls 'regress'.
This is what makes the home a place of strain and tension, not peace and growth.

Just how do we get to Acceptance?

My god-daughter was diagnosed to be autistic when she was about two. When you have a first born who is clearly marked 'will be successful', a younger sibling who is on a whole different dimension is a hard thing to embrace. But I watch my girlfriend brave the journey. Of course she questioned. Of course she wept. Of course she prayed and wondered and hoped for a miracle. But she also let her love for her daughter lead the way. Her heart shifted to a grieving loss and acceptance, to a fighter's resolve, to a compassionate effort to link arms with other parents like her. It is amazing to see how much my god-daughter is able to do in terms of self-care and relating to others.

Acceptance is what makes it possible for us to thrive.

This is why "God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world; but to save the world through Him.: {John 3v17}

WOW.

Perfection knows the way is not to demand we measure up; but bends down, reaches out, and embraces. The way up is down - laying down in His acceptance of us.

And if Perfection in all His wisdom knows the way and shows it to us; why not walk in it?

My own little darling was never any issue for me until she began school. The opportunities for her sin nature to feed and manifest grew exponentially as she found language and values that did not agree with how I raised her. Then as she morphed into a petulant, sullen teen; she grew even more unlike me, and started showing distinct personality weaknesses. I have heard many mothers moaned the 'loss' of their little angels! But no amount of sighing and wishing will bring them back! The angel is going through a metamorphosis and our acceptance of this process is critical.

It has been said that if you tried to help the butterfly out of the cocoon, you will kill it. That cute little fuzzy, wuzzy caterpillar must meta-morph; and it needs its own time to do so.


Our failure to accept indicates that we are holding on to something and cannot behold what is before us with untainted eyes. 'Not good enough' is fed to all our senses everyday that we believe it more readily than what is really before us: a living being that has the potential to change the world.

Letting our children be who they are at this point of time is the beginning of acceptance. And it is this strong rich soil that feeds and holds up a strong plant. There will be times when storms will come and buffet and as we accept life's challenges and accept our kids as they weather theirs; we won't topple.

Acceptance also grows as we realise how much our God, our spouse and our children accept us. It's easy to lose sight of this! We always feel our pain most keenly; but we can be a pain too!


I learnt to really see my children: where they are at, how they are feeling, what they are struggling with, how they are trying, what they have accomplished. Then to my relish, I see them responding and thriving.

Letting go and letting be is where we start.

Remembering that we can be a source of grief is a potent, humbling reminder.

Good soil that enables a plant to really thrive is nutrient rich with Nitrogen, Potassium and Phosphorous; an unseen army of compounds. And I can think of no matter battle-effective strategy for this war of Acceptance than oft unseen habit of Gratitude.

{click on these links for helps & inspiration}

keep a gratitude journal
a little bird sings and I am grateful

You are the best parents for your child(ren): keep calm! {#1 of Being Parents/Family Life Series}

Got kids? 

Are you mom, dad, granddad, aunt...foster parent?  If you are the main caregiver (and ideally it should be the biological parents) then hold on to this: you are the best parents for your child.  To believe otherwise will sell out what you can do. Children also detect this thing called 'Unreal' very easily. I don't mean fairy tales - those are believable - but they know when we don't feel and mean what we say and do.

Yes there are days (sometimes many days) we dream of care-freer days where there was more money, time, energy (and sex?)...but the fact is  you.now.are. a parent and you cannot just throw in the towel; because lives are at stake. So -

Breathe deep.

You - can - do - this. 

The child needs you.

In fact, you need this too.

Yes, parenting is tough. There are so many easy ways to get mad with ourselves -

He looks so skinny

O dear, she's still struggling to read

I said the thing wrong thing -- again -- and now she's banged the door 

How did I end up doing this - all by myself?

There are so many moments we can get angry at the child -

Why did you hit the other kid?

 Can't you sit still? 

What? Spilled the milk again?

Why is this homework not done?

Are you even listening to me?

We get angry. Sometimes too angry.

Honest parents have concurred that sometimes they are a short step away from abusing their own kids - through words, neglect, or even punishment in a fit of anger. 

In my research for my book Simple Tips for Happy Kids, a line by a child psychologist stuck with me:

Children are petrified by Anger

Our anger overwhelms them. The energy burns into their soul and rattles them. Without the means to out-talk and out-reason us, most children are bewildered and lost when anger is frothing over like lava that melts them from the inside out. If this goes on often enough; the child becomes even more vulnerable - emotionally and physically. They will withdraw into some form of shell they must imagine exists to protect themselves. 

This is why it is so paramount that as parents we watch our emotional Richter scale! Fact is, some of us are more explosive than others and anger often erupts so we feel like we have little control. 

But eruptions happen because something is already boiling beneath the surface. 

Could it be our unmet expectations?
Could it be the pressure from others?
Could it that we are way too stretched by our ambitions?

We need to discover who we are and examine our hearts; and perhaps see a counselor.
We need to create margins and buffers.
We need to brave it and look at what is simmering within our soul.

I am not proud to confess that I have seen my kids cringe at my outbursts. But I learnt there's a way to Keep Calm. {click to read}

Keeping calm actually begins with talking calmly to yourself; for the anger has begun from somewhere deep within.

"a gentle answer turns away wrath" ~ Proverbs 15v1

Be gentle with yourself.

You are under a lot of pressure.
You need finances, solutions, energy, enthusiasm, hope and more... 

Ask yourself what is the next step required; not the entire map. Then take that step.

Be gentle with your child(ren). 

They are under a lot of pressure, like you.
They pick up your stresses.
They do want to live up to your expectations.
They experience the power of sin in themselves and others that can make them feel defeated.


I believe that children from households of faith, who have leaned their hearts Godward are born again with the spiritual capacities to love, hear and obey God. Trust in God's Grace and power at work in them.

Countless times when I have worried and panicked; I have heard through the tears and silence an assurance that 'they are okay' even if they don't seem to shine the way the world wants them to.

I have also found that gentleness with children always arises after I have prayed and sought God's love for them. His love fills me and helps me see them afresh with His eyes of patient, loving-kindness and great hope.

I turn and tell them that I notice, and that I pray, even if I don't always understand (esp for the teen). The anger that could build up within them abates and they soften.

Anger fuels anger --

be gentle with yourself so you can speak without so much edge and volume,
be gentle with the children so they can feel the freedom to speak up.

Then gentleness breeds a bond that is strong. How strange sounding; but so true.

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Dangerous Places in the heart that can kill you

You may think I overstate my case. Death? But I assure you I do not.

We have a view and experience of what it means to be alive. If you read the Word, you find what commonly passes off as 'living' doesn't make the cut of what the Original Intention was {for the whole story on this, please read my book Shed Those Leaves}.

In fact, the word 'death' occurs quite a bit in the Word though it always get trumped by Life (see Resurrection).

This one word is also used to describe three kinds of death:

physical, bodily death - when our body stops to function
permanent spiritual death - when our separation from God is final and irrevocable
current spiritual death - when our lives do not comply with our faith claims

Modern science confirms what the Word says: we do have some influence over our physical passing. Sinful habits that persist can lead to death. But of course, since we are not exactly tracking it, we commonly think that we have absolutely no say. Death comes unannounced for most; and even if you have years or months to wait it out; it will always still feel like a thief sneaked up on you.

The second too is tricky really. Many people obsess over this and want an iron-clad guarantee that once they are saved; they will always be saved. I suppose a very simple analogy can help here. You could be rescued from drowning, but you can choose to jump back into the churning waters. So we certainly do decide on this one; but the decision is not a sales deal or a transaction. It behooves you to think why you were drowning and help others out. Based on what Jesus tells us in Matthew 25, it sounds like there can be some surprises in the end.

The third kind is a daily reality: it's called dying to sin and self in order to truly live. This sits squarely on our shoulders; or should I say, in our hearts.


Why so moribund you may ask?

Well, I was sitting in my special chair where I regularly consider the big questions when I found my thoughts drifting towards a region of the mind-heart that belongs to what I call a dangerous place. It is one of 3 R-rated places in our hearts. I have wrestled with self and sin enough to know that these places starve us of Life and can lend us in a state of spiritual stupor, where we become pale, waterless clouds that live adrift with nary a purpose.

R-egrets

Listen, no one alive has no regrets. Yes I have them; such as this one, where I let my friends down.Or what about the job I chose not to take for some filmsy reason that isn't well-thought through? Who knows what phenomenal success I will be enjoying now if I had taken it.
I once tried to comfort a friend who was unable to forgive herself for years. The regret drove her to depression and shaped her decisions after that. It is easy when we are leafing through our album of regrets for the enemy to slip alongside and say: 'where was God? Didn't He guide you? Were you so sinful?'

R-emorse

This is like the emotional part of Repentance. It's necessary. being sorry for what we have thought/said/done cannot be a cold exercise in the calculation of personal merits! Tears often accompnay genuine repentance. But some of us can be quite absorbed with this..and then the enemy suggests: 'you just won't make a very good one will you? Better not be so h-o-l-y'.

R-ecriminations

We counter-accuse when we feel accused. It's our defense mechanism. We may not say it out loud; but when we are still smarting from unkind words or licking our wounds; it is easy to begin hurling accusations at those who have hurt us or let us down. We label them, put them down, reduce them to their mistake. The enemy is more than happy to add ammo: 'and it isn't the first time is it?'.

Looking back is important in helping us move forward. But it has to be an intentional time set aside to prayerfully consider one's life. Then we visit the places prepared and armed.


But all our minds drift at times, and our emotions tag along and often quickly magnify everything with their uncanny ability to get highly detailed and sensational. At such times, it is important to know not to dawdle, but to turn around and get out quickly. Cry if you must, Rant in your journal. Take a cold shower, run in the rain, have tea and read a book, hit the gym. Beware that dangerous places exist - and you can be safe.