because the rants tire us all..and the Word calls us to mind our words

When I saw the tag on facebook, honestly, I went "O no...".  There is this one-up-man-ship these days especially on the social media platforms. We challenge notions, question actions, and accuse so readily, and easily.

I enjoy learning and as a student and then a cleric I would raise questions. But I was always tentative, somewhat unsure... and even then, I was labeled a firebrand ! One generation later with a more learned populace we are assured of more lively debates and challenges. But somehow, the online exchanges leave me wary and weary.

It is a strange place in a way to find myself sounding like my elders of past, with thoughts such as -

I have eaten more salt than you
How much have you really experienced to qualify you to make such a judgment?

Yes, as youths, we felt asphyxiated when our elders threw such quick retorts back at us. We roll our eyes and count them lesser mortals for not being as exposed to ideas as we are. Youthful zeal and pride are often bedfellows I guess.

But is it just a function of growing older? Am I destined to calcify in my position and become impatient with the young uns?

So I did an exercise.

I took an area where strident voices have been heard and I tried to cross over to the other side. I imagined myself belonging to a misunderstood minority. I imagined struggling about which public toilet to use, how my head may turn and heart stop when certain words are overheard, how going to school, church, street can be constant reminders that I don't quite fit in....

 It turns out it wasn't altogether that difficult. Upon reflection, I realised why.

Firstly, in one sense, we all have experienced being on the outside. Rejection is almost universal a human experience. Granted, some experiences of rejection, name-calling, and worse lie beyond my scope of imagination and empathy. To read of abductions for the purpose of correcting behaviour is bizzare to me. But then, that's salt I haven't tasted. Would I order the abduction of my child if I was convinced she was so wrong she would end in eternal damnation and be ruined for life?

There are many things about ourselves, what we truly feel, think or will do, that we cannot be certain of. A religious commitment and outlook may proscribe some things; but then again, when crunch time comes, can we be so sure?

Further, I have chosen to live on the outside in some ways. The religious or spiritual person doesn't exactly square in a material-secular world. I have been called 'unreal, out-of-touch, holier-than-thou'... My gender has added to the mix too as leadership roles are not easily accorded to a woman (yes even today). 

Finally, I have been a victim before.

Is this why I am tired of the calling-out, standing-up, setting-right?

Listen, most of us have no idea and no business doing any of the above; because we are just going to walk away after a while. We go right back to our little lives filled with self-centred ambition and greed. Including me. This isn't to say we don't get into the fray at times. But here's the Word:

"Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt..' ~ Colossians 4v6

This Word here about seasoned speech is not one of my favourites. It cuts too close for an extrovert with a gift of the gab (so they said). But it's in the Word, so it applies. It means simply, I must apply it. I am not always sure how; especially when I am tagged and I feel like I am expected to say something. As an older person I feel immense pressure to be wise and responsible - especially today!

So this online fracas is going to test how we apply this Word. Can we be polite? Can we look for what's good and throw that in the mix when we want to point out a weakness? Can we pull back from polarising and demonising? Surely for all the education, we can move away from the grandstanding?
After all, the truly learned are humble no?

May our hearts grow large with our minds while our mouths and keyboard skills be put to truly good use.

how to keep believing in rainbows when they disappear so fast..

I believe we all live under His eternal arc of Goodness {click to read about it}. But there are days when all I can muster is this: I want to believe.

After all, the amazing confluence of vapors and light quickly disappear and our pretty bow of colours is lost to us.

Last night, I was part of a large team that was praying for the sick. When we opened the doors, the church filled up quickly. I turned around and see a young girl, about eight, sitting strapped to a special wheelchair. The straps would keep her upright. She was fair, pretty, unsmiling. Her mother was holding her hand while her father sat behind to keep a watch that her skinny frame is not slipping out from those straps and she is leaning on the tiny pillow stuffed around the backrest to cushion her neck.

When the singing started, I noticed that I was struggling to join the rousing chorus of voices. I feel deeply and often find myself burdened by such gaping needs. The common cold to me is no life trial. But the sight of that little girl got to me. I don't ask 'why' the same way I used to - all angsty, self-righteous and impatient; but I am of the band that still hates to see such seeming senselessness.

Later, what I would hear from nearly every person who stepped up to me for prayer was more than my few words could carry.

a woman who has had five surgeries and is expecting another for her recurrent hernia problem

 my mother has dementia and now I am getting sick; her medical bills are too much for me.." 

the weary mom who prodded her epileptic son forward, "recently also he has eczema:..and afterwards, is telling us she has three maladies and her kidneys may be failing

It felt so inadequate, the few minutes of summarizing needs and pains into a few lines; and the prayer.

After the prayers, we sang our last song, God is Good, all the time.

What does it take to honestly sing God's goodness in the face of such crushing life difficulties? How do we remember that as long as it is day and the water cycle of life goes on; the rainbow is always there - because the water is always there - just that we only glimpse it sometimes.

Sometimes it is cruel to make God sound so close; not that He isn't, but we are not so easily in tuned with Him. And at times, He does seem to disappear behind the clouds and everything seems just.plain.dark.

But this precisely is the walk of f a i t h . This is the hard, true stuff of it. You and I, somehow, are drawn to this strange place where we notice rainbows and get pelted by rain, often within the same day.

This is the hard real stuff God promises His people if we refuse to split the Word into bits we like and bits we don't:

Then shall the maidens rejoice in the dance,
and the young men and the old shall be merry.

Sounds like a bright-below-a-rainbow picnic of wild abandon!

I will turn their mourning into joy,
I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.
I will fest the soul of the priests with abundance,
and my people shall be satisfied with my goodness, says the LORD ~ Jeremiah 31v13f

And I am up on my feet ready to twist to this news until my eyes glance down and I notice there is more:

a voice is heard in Ramah, lamentation and bitter weeping. Rachel is weeping for her children; she refuses to be comforted for her children, because they are not. ~ Jeremiah 31v15

This verse sits strangely among the many words of comfort and rainbow-promises.

I have gone back and read it, prayed, thought, and checked the commentaries. It's hard. Why such harrowing information right smack in the middle of the promises of return, vindication and joy?

We may not quite get it; this rainbow and thunder mix, this abundance and death deal all rolled in one.

But then I see it. Jeremiah is gaining traction here. The rainbow is glimpsed and for a closer look, one trudges and finds sometimes that a craggy large boulder is blocking our view; but the climb up that boulder, scraping hands and knees will reveal a vista  not yet seen.

Jeremiah is building up towards a crescendo: The New Covenant.

The terms of the New Covenant are ... new. If you were a Jew listening; it will sound strange, unfamiliar, preposterous. The exile was hard to stomach; the return is hard to conceive; the New Covenant is plain impossible.

A new king whose kingdom will not end.

W-O-W.

But listen. This verse of wailing mothers is later used by Matthew. It happened.

There were inconsolable tears nearly two thousand years ago when baby boys where slaughtered by a nervous king. These tears, incomprehensible to us, were the context of God's great salvation plan to rescue us from all tears forever.

I wish it didn't have to happen this way. But it did. God came right into our messes. Jesus was subject to it until it killed him.

So if there's sound advice on how to stay right under the rainbow even when you cannot see it; it's what God told Jeremiah to do: buy land! (I don't mean invest in property folks). I mean lay down your stakes. Live deep. Dig right in. Embrace your now, your weakest and darkest. For God is working something out. 

This by the way is sheer madness. Jeremiah is asked to trust when everything appears contrary. His title deed is an act of defiance against how-things-appear. It is a statement that says, 'the game isn't over, the score hasn't been tallied, the results are not out yet'. This too is God's instruction to us: to live not by sight, but by faith.

In our days, this living by faith will be really tough sometimes. We will see stuff that blocks out the Son and makes the rainbow vaporize. To keep believing in rainbows when that happens, we must look at the definite work that demonstrates God's Goodness once for all: the Cross and the empty tomb. We don't deserve, wouldn't ask, couldn't conjure it - but there it is, historical fact and faith revelation. God is good to us and has sent us His Son, tore up His heart - that we may know while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


The rainbows appear to remind us they have always been there. 
They show up where there is light and where life continues.


13 

an arc of Eternal Goodness ....{Jeremiah cont'd}

There is a arc of goodness that stretches and covers our days.

Every day then is about seeing and linking back to this arc so that the flood waters of daily life don't become a deluge and we get drowned in our moments and movements.


Today, I arrive at chapter 29 with the prophet Jeremiah. It is familiar; and so I must step back and read it all the more carefully if I want to truly listen.....

Twenty-eight chapters of anger, grief, judgment and appeals later, the clouds seem to part a little and we trace more clearly the arc.

So what You are saying is that -

my feeling removed, far away, cut off, abandoned and forgotten... that was good for me - because - I will cry out and I shall discover You again -

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to me, and i will listen to you. And you will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart. I will be found by you...and I will bring you back from your captivity.." ~ Jeremiah 29v11-14

These famous words we love to quote are preceded by a clear statement of God's plan and timetable:

"after seventy years are completed..I will visit you and perform my good word toward you and cause you to return to this place".

Nothing random about it.

For the people of Judah, the exile was a necessary disciplinary act of God towards their persistent rebellious ways. Can I say this? We forget too quickly when we quote Jer 29v11 that it is spoken in the context of this discipline. The way we tell our kids,

"I want you to stay here in the naughty corner until you are ready to play properly."

Yes, we forget God sometimes will, must, and does, discipline us.

What is harder as I read is this: God expects us to accept the discipline; to trust Him through it. Jeremiah was constantly pitted against a bunch of other prophets who were telling the people good stuff they wanted to hear. God repeatedly says, "I did not send these prophets. They are prophesying lies." Ouch!

Perhaps we need to accept that a brother or sister has to bring us some tough news at times.

And then we come to verse 11-14. The discipline - an exile - being cut off from all that is familiar, feeling lost, being second-class citizens... going through what one simple cannot reconcile could happen to a child of God ---  stand firmly under the arc of God's goodness.

Jeremiah is churning my spirit up!

Being God's child is not a badge. Some Christians alas seem to flaunt it! I have seen smug Christians who talk like they've got everything figured out; and it borders on offence. {wait, I think I was the smug Christian before}.

No folks, God's Mercy and Grace are specific instances of His Goodness at work in our lives to draw us to a holy union with Him. But we are often unfaithful as Judah was. We have so many other gods we depend on and cling to.

So God uses an experience of immense dislocation - an exile - to break us free from our bondage.

The old spiritual fathers and mothers have this word 'detachment' to describe the process over our lives where we recognise our smaller gods and are set free from our dependence on them. May very few of us need a disciplinary encounter of being so shaken because only that will free us... Rather, may our maturity be more like a shedding of leaves {see my book Shed Those Leaves}; where a fake, insecure outfit that never anchors us is sloughed off to reveal a strong, solid soul being formed by God's hand.

Either way, we live under the arc - of Eternal Goodness.

Time to live from the Inside-Out...and 3 keys towards that...

We live most of our lives for the outside. 
Appearances.
Actions.
Apparel.

People judge our clothes, our words, our decisions.
And so we think that's what matters. Yes, of course, their words, opinions, the way they narrow their eyes or look away just.bothers.us.

We lose sleep over that remark.
We scratch our scalps over that facebook comment.
We get all angst and angry over that email.

"Get over it!" - we try; but it isn't so easy. And it's not because we are weak; not in the sense of being a weakling.

Great leaders have moments of severe doubts and darkness. 

From preacher Charles Spurgeon to War-Time Prime Minister Winston Churchill to that great nun Mother Theresa; their stories shed vital light: there are no super-humans, not really. All of us humans are weak and insecure, yet when captivated by a Vision so beyond us, we can become capable of great good-will.


When that Vision confronts us though, most of us back away. 

Why rock the boat?
Why risk the loss?
Why take the path less traveled?
Why act so sure?

This is why probably the most important Q we need to ask as we mature is this:

 "what is it that I really want?"

We come to a time when we must realise that we are Inside Beings and will never be satisfied living for the Outside. We are made of deeper, stronger stuff. We want to believe in something, We want to stand for something, We want to make a difference. These are all Inside things. And we find them only when we dare to journey inwards to our hearts.

What does this take?

1. Devote time to understand yourself: what truly motivates you, what brings you joy. {this means less time on lesser stuff like TV or social media perhaps}

2. Have a way to dailogue with yourself and with God: a journal is really helpful here. Most of us will find ourselves rambling and haphazard until we start to make notes...and then things begin to take a form, a structure, a direction, Got to try it {or ask me when my next Journaling workshop/seminar is happening}

3. Get in touch with what is meaningful to you. Read, learn, make friends with the right tribe.

Go on, discover your Insides. It's never too early or late to begin. I'll see you around!

{feel free to raise Qs, share your experiences & thoughts in the comments!}

And remember, the Vision-Giver will give you a lift.

Can "what is it that you really want?" be the most important Q of all?

Maybe it's all because of my growing years. We were poor. No one asked me, "what would you like?". We took, sometimes, grabbed what was available. We didn't complain for my mother had an incredible gift of making life feel full even when our stomachs were not always.

But I have been wondering of late.

Even though I am prone to introspection and sometimes melancholy; I have learnt to trust the Spirit's leading. He has taught me to look back in order to look ahead.

Our future is more sabotaged by our past than we realise.

It is true. I rarely ever fought for anything I wanted. Indeed, I seldom want anything much. Some of it is the contentment I have learnt. But there is definitely a lack somewhere. I fight for justice. I fight for others too. But for myself I find I often let others decide.

This first came to light years ago in the university when my score for assertiveness was actually lower than most in the group. Nobody believed it. I was either honest or have misread all the questions.

But I realise it isn't just me.

I see it in many souls. This uncertainty. What am I about? What do I want? Where am I headed? Can I make it there?

So instead of praying and marking a trail and hacking away to stay on it; we meander.

So, what is it that you really want?

It's far easier to answer that when it is:
O, I want the red one over the green.
I want Starhub and not Mio
I want rice, not noodles
I want ....

But, what is it you really want in your life?
Joy?
Faith?
Loyalty?
Peace?

What is it that you really want your life to be about?
Truth?
Justice?
Love?

These kinds of questions seem boring, general, too idealistic.
But these are very things that we made Imago Dei is distinct from the rest of creation! We are creatures of ideals and ideas; and to let them go is to become less than who we were made to be.

So pause and ask yourelf:

What is it that you really want in your life?

Ok. Do you have it? Why not? What needs to change? Who can help you?

What is it that you really want your life to be about?

Are you on track? What distracts or discourages you? What can you do to stay on-track?

I grew up asking other kinds of Qs -
What did others want?
What does the God/Bible/church leaders want?
What do boys/men/gals/others want?

These were introductory lessons to asking the real Qs in life.

People often change their minds about what they want.
You cannot deliver what they want.
You realise that what you think God wanted isn't quite correct because you have confused God with some fear/experience/expectation.


I am not out to invent/re-invent myself.

No, I ask myself these Questions because I know I have a Teacher of Truth who will guide me and tutor me and safeguard me. When I find myself sinking under the daily needs and feeling the frustration level rise; I return to my answers and re-anchor myself in The Source.

Often I have had to apologise for messing up - to God, to my kids, to myself {ok, I am weak in the spouse department for this, my pride!}... But asking these questions has helped me clarify what is truly important, what I will sacrifice for, what I want my life to shine forth.

Why don't you try these questions? In fact, I would suggest you write them down someplace and look at them once in a while. You will be surprised what Truth will emerge and grab you.

Jenni really wants:

 a deep sense of Love in her life that flows out from her; 

her epitaph is going to read: 

Lover of God and others.

more dust with the prophet Jeremiah...and how to really deal with rejection

Things can be both funny and un-funny at the same time.

Like being called a weeping prophet. It sounds funny; the image of this grown man going around like a his tear ducts need healing, and you don't know if mid-sentence he may just began to bawl. Most of us would stay away from someone so seemingly volatile. This is when it gets un-funny. Tears are like spontaneous combustion - get the right mix, and they come brimming over your lids.

In our wonderful Gospel of God-loves-us; it is very hard to imagine, much less embrace that we may be called to a ministry of rejection and tears.

Yes, we love those verses that light up our esteem where Jeremiah was told

"before I formed you in the womb i knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations." ~ 1v5

But, read on and we won't be as enthusiastic when we find out his job description and his working conditions!

No wonder at one point the prophet got so fed-up, he was so bummed out, so near expiry, he moaned and groaned his lot

"Woe is me, my mother, that you have borne me,
a man of strife and contention to the whole world!
... I sat alone because of Your hand,
for you have filled me with indignation.
why is my pain perpetual and my wound which refuses to be healed?
Will you be to me an unreliable stream, as waters that fail?" ~ 15v10,18f

He is lonely and rejected.
His efforts are futile.
It all seems pointless.

In his pain, he staggers and everything seems a blur and it feels he cannot find God anywhere.

Jeremiah by Rembrandt

You and I know these feelings.

We live in a world where we are just naturally skilled at hurting others and being hurt (most of it unintended!). Rejection, loneliness, and doubts assail us. What is the point of trying, obeying, sacrificing?

God's response is not the molly-coddle we hope for. He stands his man up and refocuses him on his mission -

"If you return, then I will bring you back,  you shall stand before me; if you take out the precious from the vile, you shall  be as my mouth." ~ 15v19

Return? Where did Jeremiah go? He veered off course down the ravine of self-absorption and was having a one-soul picnic: the pity party. I used to throw these parties often, especially when PMS hit. The spread is simple - take out from the basket every memory of hurt and break it apart to look for something to soothe your feelings. You will find nothing.

God didn't scold the prophet for his feelings; but He calls him to pack up the picnic. One more thing: God said there it is a mix of precious and vile. 

Extracting gold, refining silver, creating a pearl of great price takes effort. Jeremiah, you and I need to know where to direct our energies: separate the precious from the vile. See the hand of God in your situation. Find the gift and grace in your pain. Focus on the goodness and kindness that can be found in the midst of the craziness.

Picnic basket packed, we move on to a place more suited for serious reflection and prayer.

God says, "you shall stand before me".

God doesn't intend for us to lose our place with and before Him. Standing before God is the place of seeking Him, communing with Him, and being commissioned by Him.

There's more -

"..they will fight against you, but they shall not prevail against you;
for I am with you to save you
and deliver you.." ~ v20

Jeremiah, you and I will eat dust and, more than live:

*Scriptures taken from the New King James Version

iphone 6, what we do everyday, jeremiah the prophet and leaving a legacy

Yes, I am going to attempt to link all these disparate pieces of the universe!

I have never ever queued for any tech gadget or collectible toy in my life before and for the most part, sorry, I think it's pretty foolish to spend precious life-time waiting for something that simply, won't last, even if it was a limited-edition-thingamajig and may earn you some good bucks later over ebay.

Meanwhile, over in my cave-woman existence, the fiery exchange between a hounded prophet and his God is raising the spiritual temperature for me as God sounds to me like He is yelling -

"My people have committed two sins: they have forsaken me the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." ~ 2v13 

"I have planted you like a choice vine, of sound and reliable stock. How then did you turn against me into a corrupt, wild vine?" ~ 2v21 

"..these people have stubborn and rebellious hearts; they have turned aside and gone away. They do not say to themselves 'let us fear the LORD our God..' Should I not punish them for this?"  ~5v21 

"Are they not rather harming themselves..?" ~ 7v19 

"Why does Jerusalem always turn away?" ~8v5

God is the heartbroken parent, the spurned lover, the usurped monarch - and - He both warns his people of impending doom and pleads with them to repent. In the mix, he also promises a wholly different future! It is a 'mixed message' because that's what it's like when we open our heart: the truth is multi-layered and it tumbles out like this complex puzzle; not a neat algorithm.

There are exchanges, deals, and transactions that go on each day. But they do not inhabit the same worlds. The question is, which world is more real? Which world is the one to put our heart and hardwork into so that it becomes our legacy?

Make no mistake. We all leave legacies.

legacy: something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past

Some of us leave legacies of hope. Or perhaps perseverance. My mother left us an incredible legacy of resourcefulness; she always found enough to feed us (barely) and ensured we went to school. In this way she also left us a legacy of living by values and not by means.

Alas, some would leave a legacy of neglect, avoidance, and fear.

My girlfriend grappled for three years as her home felt overtaken by a critical air and mistrust built up. It was a combination of many factors; including a grieving mother-in-law who would not let go her hurt and resentment. Living under the same roof also surfaced the unresolved issues between her and her son. It was indeed painful to watch my friend struggle as she sought to love but felt constantly rebuffed. Thankfully, she found strength to resist the drag into the daily emotional tussle and over time, shifted gears from her frustration to her vision.

Our legacies are generational ties that are meant to bond the generations. If we focus on that which is fleeting, we communicate and eventually leave a legacy that does not give strength to our children and their children to come.

Yet we will discover, as my friend did, that our visions are gifts from God to lead us down the paths of righteousness and as we do the small things right, God sets into motion the larger changes of the heart that we simply could not achieve.

A few months ago, this mother-in-law agreed to move out; and she apologised and thanked my friend for her stay.

Only so much can occupy our attention at a time. Multi-taskers beware! You can turn your precious attention away from the fluff and fritter each day to the deeper, eternal quest. The exchange between Jeremiah/God/Israel is not some ancient historical relic for the exercise of our minds. The strong words found there are like tinder that can set our souls ablaze and set us on a trajectory that creates a blazing legacy.

Listen:

"..be my people for my renown and praise and honor" ~13v11

'..blessed is the man who trsusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. he will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. it has no worries in a year of drought, and never fails to bear fruit." ~17v7f

Here is a call to live for something larger than ourselves. I am grappling afresh with this. After many years of being zealous, suffering burns and facing setbacks; it is not the easiest thing to believe, to stand and to fight. But you get this: nothing, absolutely nothing compares with this.

And the beautiful picture of this tree that doesn't fear!

This is legacy, setting our hearts on a huge vision, each day living for the Dream, and finding our hearts not overcome by fear.

No new phone for me; but God, a renewed heart please.

Life is ...wild, and we enjoy the ride best when we get out of the engine room..and change track!

Some time around the third week of my marriage I admitted it: it is hard.

I have read the books. They all say it is hard. But I don't bow to fear. I don't cower. I don't back off.
At least that's what I thought.

These few days, I feel again that familiar weariness of laying brick-upon-brick.. and am jarred, angry, teary when it seems like sometimes the whole beautiful structure got kicked over; and I am left standing, wondering if I still want to pick up another brick and keep going. The parenting blues.

I still read the books. In fact, when my daughter was all of the mighty two-year-old, I had read this book, Parenting is a wild ride. It had a roller coaster on its cover. I am terrified of roller coasters but the picture did not deter me. I dug in. Like marriage, I jumped onto the parenting track and started chugging on, down and around.

Perhaps my mantra in life is to overcome wildness with more of the same!

But I am realising there are many kinds of wild, and that over-coming may not always be the thing that works.

I love wild mushroom soup; but all the mushroom we find in our soup cans are not grown or produced without human aid. Today, we veer perhaps towards over-intervention in our need to overcome, be on top, make things work. In fact, we are regulating, controlling, and manipulating so much these days, the wildness of God's wide world is being shrunk as species die... and are precious variants of human thriving dying out too as we tend to box ourselves and others up - today's perfect marriage and children certainly look a lot alike; all facebook happy-clappy.

Souls with skin on can come astir to surprise and shock. 

Souls with skin on can rise to heights and plunge deep and dark.
Souls with skin on are more than what appears to be.

We wish our growth is steady. That our marriages move only upward towards greater acceptance and mutuality. Our children step up towards greater responsibility and sensibility. But then we get the wildness that interrupts the dance steps and we trip into a mess.

Life is wild.  

The wildness of life seems to me to grow in direct proportion to our age. This past year I keep marveling at how after nearly half a century of 'do-ing life' I am not necessarily getting a better handle on things! Perhaps, we get tired, we have had enough... certainly, we never arrive at mastery! There is no sifu among us.

We come to a time when we must stop trying to wish for change but settle down to the giftedness of acceptance. There comes a time when a parent can only watch and pray as the children must make those life choices and watch their lives unfold.

And perhaps it is those who learn how to stop stringing moments into a showcase string of pearls enjoy it better. It is those who know little is already much, that each day is such a Grace-grant to facilitate soul-deepening that smile the broadest.

Of course, while life is breaking out all about us, making us feel a-tossed; it is easy to march to the eternal counter of accountability where we demand (yes, imagine this!) an accounting from God Himself no less! Why this, why now, why me?

Well, friends, this is because.... God is wild. 

Here is the Merriam-Webster dictionary's definition for 'wild':...not cultivated, not subject to restraint or regulation... . That's God, and that is maddening for us. 

My teen daughter this past week has been all excited about this personality profiling app she found. She made both her dad and I take the Myers-Briggs test. I almost don't recognise the excitement: of discovery, of taming, of naming. She is trying to figure life out; and she wants to figure us out too! She is behaving human par excellence!

But God doesn't fit the profile test. He has character and he is the ultimate Integer and hence Integrity; but He is wholly beyond our fully finding and knowing. So, we cannot list all His properties and 'make use' of Him. This is not to say we won't keep trying!

So we are as the old man Job said, 

'born for trouble (as surely as) sparks fly upward (Job 5v7).

This one-liner is not a statement of damnation or cold logic. It is as all truth is, an invitation to jam the brakes and consider.

Man's troubles are not an external imposition by an unhappy God. It is an internal logic that contradicts. We live in a wild world ruled by a wild God (please take care to understand this properly); but we are bent on fixing everything just-so in order to meet our needs and satisfy our wants. Can you hear the gears jamming?

What are we to do?

Get out! Yes, We need to get out of the engine room.

Stop pretending like we are in charge.

Start recognizing that "In the Beginning, God.." means God started it all, not us. We answer to Him, not the other way around.

Then we need to get on the right track. We are born with rail joiners that have fastened us to a hyper-speed track headed for oblivion. All long the way, there is an alternate track we can choose to connect with. It is the Recipient's track. On this track, we must remain in the passenger coach and take in the sights. It is the best way to travel the world because we get to see so much more. After all, didn't we begin life by receiving? The first breath, the first suckle, the first kiss..our first hopes, dreams, every-day Grace... and Love.

Then see what happens.

The engine room is a place of grave responsibility and dire control. Ultimately, there can be one final Engineer. But often, the engine room is crowded. In a marriage, a couple fights to rule and run life essentially. Strip away everything and that's the nub. Parents fight children because we are afraid our kids lose their way and get side-tracked. Our genes, sacrifices, wisdom, money says we should hang on and stand our ground in the hot stuffy engine room.

But it's all too much.

It's all too much because life is wild and we just don't have enough within us to answer every situation. If we saw our spouse and children as fellow passengers with whom we share bread and gasp at the view together with; wouldn't the ride be more wondrous? We don't have to fix, answer for, explain, cover every ground. We cannot anyway.

I still read marriage and parenting books. There are days the wildness of life still stumps me and it's all the more Grace that I can laugh, write, pray and then reach for another brick to keep building and to stay on the right track.

photo credits: http://photographyblogger.net

Form 'other' to 'another' and the wide mercies of God our cradling Grace

My life has some pretty basic routines. One of them is going to the neighbourhood mall Junction 8. By now I know the street, the spots to park free, the stores and the short-cuts pretty well. But still, I never quite get used to all the life I will meet each time I venture out.

Even a familiar place can yield the unfamiliar. The expected can throw up a surprise.

We can walk like the dead, going about our routines, operating like the rest of kingdom animaliae; just trying to survive another day. But we get restless, we question, we mourn, we get served a notice that jolts us awake.

Today for example, in the hustle I saw this skinny man whose eyes did not seem to focus really well.

He's not really old, not more than thirty. He was in his green and yellow uniform, standing right there in the sea of humanity streaming around him scrounging for bargains and queuing to make payment. There he stood, quite oblivious, waving his arms with palms up as if to catch falling water. I looked for a leak but did not see any. He seemed consoled too that he did not catch anything, and then proceeded to pick up his broom and pan. 

At the car park, I shifted my cumbersome trolley and gave a wide swath to another cleaner who smiled appreciatively as he maneuvered his mop-bin-on-wheels across. 

"It's easy to feel good for kindness, but you aren't different from him".

 I know. 

 Like him and the other, we are all but souls with skins on. All trying to make it through.

Later, as my car perched nervously at the slope turning onto the road, I glimpsed ahead of me a van that had the words "Inspiring Hope, Enriching Lives". It was the van that brought the small party who live with muscular dystrophy for their weekly outing. 

I am rushing through my gorcery routine and I am as usual feeling thirsty; and all this Life is asking me to pay attention.

There was a time when our thoughts were 'other' - we see someone different and we thank God we are not born/bred/turned out so. We feel a twinge of sympathy and when the charity drives come along, we are moved to help with our monies. But there remains a I/they divide. What's more, we often compare and augment 'I' by classifying and categorising 'them' so that the 'I' feels stronger/better/more.


But there comes a time when we see just 'another'. It is just another life really; and very much like ours. Another life wanting to mean something, be useful, to laugh, be loved and love. The garb and language and colour and words may all be different, but it comes to the same stuff of dust seeking glory. This is why I am upset these days --

when I think how we interpret Jesus' words that he came to give us life abundant as a narrow, materialistic, self-indulgent offer that we deserve. 

when i find myself forgetting so quickly that the awkward, badly dressed teen is imago Dei as I am. 

when I push my closest ones away too quickly because my soul is out of shape and I don't know what to do with my jutting angles; and it is their fault for coming too close.

In Brennan Manning's final book, All Is Grace, he writes simply of his life without fanfare or any need to embellish. His was a life-time of struggle with alcoholism. His was a life others can only dream about: book successes and a life message about Abba Love...Yet here was a man, another, like you and me. He had his triumphs and his demons. He lived honestly as he could. His is not written to garner a book prize. It almost read like a child's re-telling of a long adventure.

The simple truth that grips your heart and changes you is this: Ordinary life shines because it is all Grace.

What would your life and mine look like if we lived like we truly believed this Grace is wrapping us safe and cradling us through the storms?

 What would our world look like if we saw each other as just another, and helped each other sip often of the sweet nectar of Grace rather than rush around thirsty?

A great song as we ponder The Love of God by Rich Mullins


There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love

Oh the love of God
And oh, the love of God
The love of God

Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Getting pain for loving and living the Fight

The cat has a strange habit.

None of my other cats had it. Chats throws up. Yes, every now and then, the kitty will deposit a mess of still-being-digested contents at whatever spot she happens to be at. Our first instinct on seeing this? A chiding of course, "Chats! ....". Today however, I decide to go after her and give her a little tummy rub to soothe her. And this is what I got:

It is stinging me even now.

Talk about love being messy. Which part of "poor kitty' didn't she get? I feel utterly unappreciated, and I cannot argue with or reason with this feline. It is really painful.

All of us live with some form of pain; maybe the pain of regret or loss. Most of us learn to cope, or numb, or pretend. But there are many today who live where pain is a constant -

They are losing loved ones suddenly from blasts that shatter any solidity they may yearn for. Like in the Middle East.
They are being judged - first - simply because of their skin colour. Like in many parts of that free land called the US of A.
They are worried about being found out, exposed and rejected. Like the guys.gals who wrestle with being emotionally and physically attracted to the same gender.

There is simply no salve or solution, but there is this: Jesus enters the pain. 

I first heard this idea twenty years ago in seminary. In my youthful enthusiasm, the mere knowledge of it made it all so grand. I reached for this truth like it was a trophy and prize and may have uttered, "pain, do your worse for I am not alone!".

This cat scratch that still hurts is nothing. Over the years, Pain has thrown tornadoes and whirlwind against my soul and upset it in no small way.

Many days I wonder that I still stand.

Jesus has entered the pain ---
Is he here supporting me so I don't fall?
Is he giving me moral support, rooting for me with the "you can do it, coz I did" kind of thing?
Is he quietly working out this marvelous outcome, rigging the results while I am having this slugfest in the ring called broken humanity?

Jesus entered the pain by becoming one of us creatures-in-pain. He allowed his infinite being to be limited by time and space, subject to broken humanity and suffered all of the pains we do -

physically  from hunger to near-death physical afflictions,

emotionally from suspicion to outright betrayal,

and endured a pain none of us would ever have to: separation from God as a result of bearing the totality of sin.

In every season of pain, I have gone to this Jesus and asked him again, what does it mean that you enter our pain?
And I begin to realise that my pain is real. It is being taken seriously. I can talk to him about it. He is deflecting and absorbing some of it I am sure or I would totter and crash.

And like a dedicated medic who has rushed to the wounded solider in the trenches, he reaches over and bandages my wounds. He tells me it will heal. I look into His eyes and I believe Him even as the battle rages on.

As the bandage goes around the wound, he tells me too that I am to stay in the fight; not let the injury incapacitate me. I lean back and dreamily wish for Lucy from Narnia, coming up and applying her magic potion that would immediately restore me.

Sometimes it feels that way. It happens quick the healing. Other times, it seems the wound is going to just gape and mock me. But I arc and lift myself up; everywhere are the fallen and I must not get lost in my own pain....Even though sometimes there's the added burden of someone cussing nearby, another calls you a madman or a clown, others cry and melt down; and still a few yell back, "save yourself", the same words they said to Jesus that he may prove himself smarter and stronger; and if he did he would miss the point of love that dies for the beloved.


Lesser mortals would kick the cat that scratched. But I am no mere mortal now who contain glory am I?

"And you...he has made alive together with Him..." ~ Colossians 2v13

So I too enter into pain and deflect sometimes and absorb at other times. I too learn to bandage wounds and speak valour back into the wounded soul.

We are more than the wounded; we are the wounded healers.

And dear soul, how about just pausing for this: healer of my soul {michael talbot}

Of doubts and 'what if I am just psyching myself?'...

Doubts plague all thinking people.

And some of us, we are prone to question, and so to doubt; more than others.

But because the world loves to operate and talk as if we all know what is going on, to harbor doubts can be scary for us. It smacks of a lack of faith. It feels like we are missing something. It feels like we may be have a loose screw jangling noisily that only we can hear. So we berate ourselves and make ourselves feel worse.

But then with I read a cry like this,

Why have you forsaken me? ~ Psalm 22

and know that we who doubt are safe.

Psalm 22 has been called the Messianic Psalm, and right here is the cry from the pain-fraught, anguished soul of none other than Jesus. He cries out that God has left the scene! Jesus on the cross and felt the Father’s absence as the sin upon Christ caused the Father to turn His face away.

If you ever felt the stung of rejection.

This is what Jesus felt. For the first time. In the most awful way.

Because of you and I.

Rejection is at the root of all our doubt. It is the fuel for the “what ifs…” we utter frightened within our hearts. And all of us have felt this sting before.

We think God is all ready to reject us.

But he is the sting-remover; the One who wants to come close and apply a soothing balm to this sting that acts up and cause us to shrink back, become cynical and even paralysed us into non-action.

What if she laughs at me?What if he doesn’t believe?What if I am wrong?

More than once when journeying with people, they say at some point, “I think I am only psyching myself. I am tired of pep-talking myself…”.

I get that.

The pep talk, the one we do to remind ourselves of hope; yes it can seem pretty lame. It’s just words, and often with a stinging pain, it feels plain powerless to make any real difference. Besides, some of us just aren’t the talking kind.

But listen. We talk to ourselves all the time.

We even talk to ourselves that what we say to ourselves is useless, or useful.

It’s kind of circular and silly;  or  it is powerful and deserves repeating.

It really works.

However –

Our self-doubting capabilities will kick in. So we demand some evidence -

If I am worthy, then why doesn't anyone notice?
If I am gifted, then why is my life so ordinary and I am so wrecked with pain?If I am loved, then why do I feel so miserable and weak?

I get this too.

We need to talk to ourselves.

But we need more than preppy, happy, ’clappy’ shorthand ways of describing life. We need more than clichés.

This means it is pretty important that we talk to ourselves properly.

Takes time.

Takes effort.

Takes quiet.

Often helped with a journal.

If you want to have a great conversation that unearths truth and sends light exploding in strange corners of your soul.

If you want to be real and authentic; which is required for intimacy and communion.

If you want to feel free and lighter.

If you want to sense a trajectory to your life.

Then talk to yourself properly.

Don’t stuff your feelings or ignore your fears. Don’t kick those doubts or trash those tuggings.

If you reject yourself, you make yourself more prone to seeing rejection in others’ responses to you.

Even more – rejecting yourself is an affront to the God who made you.

This is the God who declared each of us fearfully and wonderfully made. There is no mistake or manufacture fault from His point of view. But it's so hard to believe this when we live in a world that defies this truth and trample upon it in a thousand ways; demanding that we prove our worth and earn our space here. Founder of evolutionary biology Richard Dawkins recently tweeted that couples should simply abort their babies because it's immoral to give birth to a Down Syndrome's kid. That's saying a lot - and talk like this floats around in the air we breathe in each day. It can get hard to talk ourselves to a place of security.

This is why, the self-talk must give way to silence – when we listen to God talk.

Whether we intentionally shut up and read Scripture, and scrawl sightings.

Whether we sit quiet and wait.
Whether we walk in the great world he made and let bird, water, light send their echoes of delight into our souls.
Whether we draw, doodle, make music, move or squish mud to be amazed that these hands and this body and this mind can come together and convey beauty and longing.

For in the end, we are reflectors. We reflect what we absorb.

“In the beginning was the WordAnd the Word was with GodAnd the Word was God…Through Him all things were made;Without him nothing was made that has been made.In him was life, and that life was the light of men.”
~ John 1v1-4

The Word that's always been is what forms and makes and shapes. The Word gives definition and stirs to life. There is the promise here that we can be set alight by this Word that gives life. 

If we ever hope to have some light on our lives, the most important self-talk is to remind ourselves to go to the Word, the Life, the Light.

For a little more dissecting, here's the good, bad and ugly of doubts .

Getting older, growing bolder {with cat pictures}

No one seemed to have witnessed it.

There was a huge arc of light splayed apart in its constituent colours last Tuesday. I followed the arc and it flowed towards where I lived. For the first time in my life I tried to chase a rainbow. But as I grew nearer, I realised that when we stand right under the Light, the colours scatter all around and we may not notice it!

We remember the first rainbow as a promise that a earth-wide deluge would not happen like in Noah's days. But there is more. God is not looking to destroy but to heal and embrace and make real. The rainbow is what light really is. When it shows up, we are always surprised and a little dizzy with delight -- the same way
when we stop; and remember that we all stand under the Light.

And there is this choice to notice it.

"I am the Light of the world, whoever follows me will never walk in darkness,
but have the light of life." ~ Jesus in John 8v12

May I share something I saw under the Light?

Seventeen years ago, i decided to check out the meaning of my name. I found out that it means 'boldness'.

I sat deeper into my chair -- and the moments I was bold and the many times I was just plain scared, when I stepped away, backed off...all came tumbling into my mind.

Was I bold to choreograph a dance when I did not know a thing about dancing?
Was I bold to write that protest note on behalf of the class to the principal and so five of us got to see what it was like in her office.
Was I bold to trek off into the mountains of the Golden Traingle in Thailand with an two-week old cough?

Perhaps.

Who we are is given to us. 

While our mom and dad and so many fussing aunties or none at all look at us and decide on a name; they had no clue what to call forth from this tiny being all packed with future and possibility.

There were hints: I was the kindergarten bully - I sat next to this clueless kid who drove me mad and I made sure he knew. But I was also the one who would cry and refuse to go because I remembered I forgot my book. I was the pretty girl my mom wanted to spend her precious little on, but when she took me to the market and after twenty minutes when I stood my ground instead of accepting any of the frilly dresses, we ended up eating fishball noodles instead.

There are times when who we are might be crushed and squashed a little; even lost to us when hurt and pain can send us hiding because we think that's the way to be safe. But we die as we hide.

come on out from hiding!

This is why it also takes this:

Who we are is called forth from us.

Was I bold to walk into a new place and people and start being their pastor?
Was I bold to call myself a 'pastor-writer' when no one else did?
Was I bold to ignore the reasonable voices that I should look after the needs of a few hundred and not stay home to watch the souls of two?

The needs call out our gifts.
The convictions of our hearts stir the cauldron of our values and prime us to activate our selves.
The faith of others, when they see our gifts and affirm them energise us to arise.

Bold - is the standing up, being loud and noticed, making a splash and causing a stir. It is speaking up, being different, daring new things. So we think.

and we stand, now, upon Grace

But as I grow older, I find my boldness surface and surprise me. In fact, it seems my boldness is leading me away from the typical places where the bold tread: decision and power centres. But I see that a courage is being nourished and honed in this strange paradox of being obscure and away from the action. This process mostly involves me seeing my fears up close and refusing to cover them up with leaves; but to accept my smallness, to weep over my cowardice and compromise, and to rest that Someone greater has named me, given me gifts, and will call me forth. 

What have you been given?
What is being called forth?

And, haha this -

o kitty! not like this!

All Parenting must start at the very beginning...with Genesis

We love '....and they lived happily ever after'.... 

But -
that won't do unless it began with 'Once upon a time'... which makes it real, concrete, believable -- because -- it apparently really happened before!

Do our lives have a 'Once upon a time' too? 

Yes it does!

Perhaps this is why we connect with the stories and long for the logical conclusion: the bad guy is extinguished and the good guy wins and saves the gal; and they live happily ever after!

Sounds like heaven to me! {Jesus comes and vanquish his enemies and win His bride the church}.

Except --
to a temperamental teen and a distracted boy, heaven feels more real when the teen gets to whatsapp furiously with friends, while the eight year old gets to play without a care for time or chore with his Lego pieces.

This is where Genesis comes in.

I dream of perfection and highest joys with them. I remind them that heaven is very real, and is the longing of our hearts because right there in Genesis chapter 1 we had it. It was great.

But we messed it up. So now we feed on counterfeits and can grow callous and insensitive to the real deal.

This basic truth is so essential and foundation to parenting children (of the utero or spiritual kind). Genesis sets the stage for us to understand so much. Like they say, "if you don't know where you came from, you're likely going to lose your way".

The creation of humankind is our background story. It explains our glories, longings, possibilities and the very real threats and angst we feel. It can be taught simply to smaller kids and used with great drama with teens!

Take this conversation for example -

son : I'll be so happy if I don't have to work, but everything is work..even playing!
me : well, God created us to work!
son : {looks at me}
me : Do you remember why? (i whip out my phone and read}

let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature
so they can be ressponsible for the fish...and yes, Earth itself.. {read with drama of course}

See, it is part of God's plan that we work. It's good for us!
But you remember what happened right? {i remind him of the Original Sin and continue reading}

"the very ground is cursed because of you;
getting food from the ground will be painful..
the ground will sprout thorns and weeds.."

God created us to work, to take care of everything. Sin has made the work much harder. This is why we find it so tough; and we are tempted to become lazy.
But this is the beginning right? What happens later?

son: Jesus dies for us.
me : That's right! Now,you have the Holy Spirit within you. Jesus lives within you ..and listen carefully to this:

"do your best, work from the heart for your real master for God.."

This is the picture we parents want to avoid:

Helping our children embrace life involves helping them to see a huge part of life correctly: work.
Hopefully, our own view is sound too.

Genesis, the book of beginnings -
sets us straight, inspires us, and reminds us of why we need a Saviour.
throws us back to depend on the sweet Spirit to guide and empower us.
opens our eyes to the First Person of the Godhead, the only real Power there is, and so -
sets us on the solid ground of reverence and awe, gratitude and godly fear.

It's a very good place to start!