You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): #5 Legacy

Mastery.

Without mastery, we are a short step away from madness.

Exaggerated
Excessive
Impulsive
Divisive
Extreme

We turn any way today and we find these are true. From Instagram to news, from the private to the public sphere. Within borders and beyond.

Debt (from weddings to lifestyle)

Family breakage (from our way to my way)

Brexit (complicated, but the unmeasured words are a huge contributing factor)

Bombings (Sri Lanka, New Zealand…)

Assault (bloody chop-up at hawker centre)

Violation (voyeuristic videoing at a tertiary institution)

We love being masters. We long to be. Masters of wealth, the dream relationship, vacation…of the universe (albeit of the screen variety). But we are not meant to be masters. Masters own their success too keenly and often break apart when that goes away... Although we got the idea when we crown those at the pinnacle of their game, masters. But let that teach us it is all about mastery, a posture and a commitment, not a position.

We are meant to develop mastery.

“Let us make man in our image….and let them rule…” ~ Genesis 1v26

To rule, we have to know the rules.

So God gave us minds to inquire, observe, study, make connections.


To rule, we have to reign.

So God gave us abilities, gifts, opportunities to grow in knowledge, discipline, strength, resolve and resilience.


To rule, we have to relate.

So God situated us in an interdependent ecosystem.



This calls for us to develop mastery -

where we own our agency and submit that to a higher vision of a flourishing world.

We need to master our weaknesses -
so that they we don’t give in to sloth, compromise, convenience (plastic is a case in point), blaming.

We need to master our strengths -
so that we don’t detach from others and the larger vision of life, and start using people and commodifying everything.

We need to master our emotions, thoughts, impulses and choices -
by submitting them to a higher Authority so that they are revealed for what they are, and in trading in truth, we walk free.

And what better to illustrate than this entertaining and o-so-true experiment with marshmallows!

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free”

~ Psalm 119v32

This verse has a dialectic to it - where one leads and reinforces the other. Both are bound together: obedience and freedom.

Freedom is not being a master - getting your way. Today, that’s the message sold to us.

Self-care!
Express yourself
Change the laws that limit you
Change anything about yourself

There is no respect for the ecosystem. People can hurt, forests can burn, oceans can be poisoned.

There is no rest as we cast off our boundaries and limits, constantly coveting what others have.

There is no clear result of what we are pursuing as we break the rules and head towards anarchy.



It’s important we return to the mandate given to us in creation, which requires us to develop mastery.

Tragically,

There are grown married men who remain selfish and neglectful of those he’s meant to take care of.

There are mothers who abandon their children for ‘love’ and ‘a better life’. 

There are leaders aplenty who line their pockets and are blind to the suffering of the people who elected them.

And mind you, mastery doesn’t come with big strokes of genius. It is developed through the small stuff.

And here’s where Parenting comes in, and our worst fears too.

Where are the parents who are willing to develop and model and teach mastery because they can

budget, simplify and live by their values - which if you chose to be a parent - means you value life itself (not it’s accessories such as grades, fancy food and costly vacations)

do the hard thing of losing sleep, endless rounds of diaper changing, answering the hundredth “why”, sound like a broken record with “you cannot have that now…”

slow down to help the child grow his bodily, emotional and mental muscles when you know a mess is waiting, a meltdown is coming, a demand and a pout are moments away, all of which we would rather not deal with (have the maid feed and clean, give in, shut them down with your anger).

Heck, I would love to see parents stop using their phones when they are with their little ones! That would be mastery!

Parents, we need to stop worrying about the kids making it the future. They are designed to make it - if they have seen you model mastery and find they can too.


I have a plan (vague I admit) for every stage of my child’s growth. It starts with:

What is a reasonable thing that my child should be able to do at this time?

I believe the first thing was pausing to give thanks before drinking (after the bfeeding routine settled). Then came holding his bottle. Then came listening to instructions, and obeying them promptly (this is still ongoing ya).

Not so much to score your kid, but I found it fascinating as it helps me take note of his growth, give thanks for it and envision what is coming and work with it.

What is more life-giving than to witness growth?

The paradox is parenting is the most tiresome and yet most rewarding thing there is.

The boss may toss your proposal into the bin. Your best output may never be measured or commended even. But children - it’s pretty instant feedback! You get short shifts to stay on your toes, dig into your creative reserves, and draw on every ounce of energy, motivation, prayer and help there is.

Children plug us back in the truths:

Ecosystem

Growth through discipline

Rules exist

--- which lead us down strange paths of freedom.

And remind us that there is a vision called Life, which is Legacy.



Countdown to the 5 things a parent MUST do:

#4 Let Them Grow You

#3 Build Competence

#2 Give Them Safety and Security

#1 Build Emotional Bonds


If you have time, save this link where other aspects of Mastery are talked about: from faith-life to sex.
If your emotions need a bit of help, then save this link: Mastering Emotions ++

A letter from a 50 yr-old to my Ma and Pa

Began Friday, 1 July 2016
1:53 PM

Dear Mother and Father, I will turn fifty at the end of this year. Considering that the earth may be 6000 years old, fifty is pretty old - just take a few zeroes away!

I so wish you both are around with me; living together in good health, mutual respect and easy love.

Of course this is an idealized state - except for the mutual respect which we clearly had -  and even that required a lot out of us.

Mother and my firstborn. Every grandchild knew your love.

I remember grumbling so much about you Father: that you did not have a job title I could report to my school teachers with pride. While my classmate rattled off 'driver, manager, hawker'; I had no clue what it was you actually did. That in turn triggered off memories of times when Mother would say quietly, "just tell the teacher I will pay her next week" , I wondered if you did anything for us. What was obvious were the Toto receipts, the smoking, and the long stretches of time you weren't at home. 

But of course, I was only just figuring out about life as a kid.

No one, absolutely makes pigs' tongue soup like you did. I can still taste it; clearly some fireworks went off in my brain the few times you ladled it out for us. The pasty combination of soy, onions and melt-in-your-mouth potatoes and the chewy bits of meat (I ate unquestioningly and avoided the unfamiliar looking bits with the gristly surface, but knowing it was tongue did not deter me in the slightest for I had been won over by the aroma and the taste!),

In my teens, my self-righteous indignation ruled me with a ferocity and I persuaded, scolded, debated and gave you the cold shoulder for the many imperfections I saw in you.

It would be a few years of such suffering for you before your daughter grew up more to realise that you have a personal story that may account for the person you are; and to develop a compassion and curiosity to know about it, and so treat you as a person and not just someone who owed me proper fatherhood.

Mutual respect took us a long time. But I am glad we reached that shore.

Probably out of convention, I asked you to all the most important occasions of my life: my baptism, graduation, and my first public sermon. Convention has its place for sure; because your presence normalised us - I now have regular photos with parents - and for sure, we are both glad for it.

We did grow to respect and like each other. If there is anything I feel sad about now; it is that you did not get to walk me down the aisle and blossom into the amazing Grandfather I am sure you would. My children will never get to hear you tell your lame jokes, play the accordion, and watch your favourite Hindi movies and follow every episode of whatever David Attenbrough was up to ( I was shocked one time when I heard the august commentator's voice and instantly recognised it). And of course, that soup.

I wonder if you tell stories about us in heaven.

One thing we felt sure would happen in heaven. In fact one of us dreamt about it even. It was that when Mom arrived, you were thrilled to bits but she ignored you, like she did on earth.

Mother, you are a wondrous mystery to me. You weren't perfect for sure, and you often lacked the wisdom to guide us as the world spun crazily fast in the decades of immense change. You had no words for what to study, who to date or marry, what to do for a living. 

You did better than that. You showed us that learning is something we can all do. You did not get to start school because the war broke out, but you did not shrink from learning: going out to work, basic English conversation,  singing, crochet, reading your Chinese Bible, swimming, using the ATM, traveling, cooking new dishes, dancing… Your life demonstrated the meaning of the word 'possibility'  for us. What a precious gift. We knew we could suggest anything to you and never feel put down.

When we felt like quitting, you wouldn't let us. Opportunities don't come easy. While you never pushed us in any direction; you showed us that some things are worth every sacrifice, and that effort is what counts. Your fierce commitment to the family, your pride, your core values are the lights for a family that had little and could have turned out very differently. You took illness, nasty relatives, work injustices, hunger, lack, all in your stride. Never once did I hear you whine, complain your lot or blame others, except the glaring frustration you had with the government when you applied for public housing. If it had to be done, you saw to it that it was.

You stayed up long nights to twirl old calendar pages into beads and strung them so we could have some beauty in the home.  At night, as we lay together like sardines on floor mats, you sang us the silly song about the boats at Clifford Pier that 'fell down' and ate dog shit. I never got to ask you where that came from. You did everything you knew to ensure the family would be provided for: cooking and selling fried noodles at dawn to folks making their way to work, operating a Tontine, going out to work at the hospital despite your aversion to it (just take the job that comes), joining an MLM briefly….and always, bringing whatever donation cards schools required of us to help us get it all filled out.

I dig not know it then although I certainly felt it - mothers have a way of being pervasive in their influence.

You grew up without a father, and your own Mother was a compulsive gambler. As a daughter, your future would be marriage. In the meantime, your older Brother must be cared for, and supported through school; so from an early age, your life was turned outwards to solve problems and care for others. You survived the war after being recruited to work in the soldier's mess, and your diligence sometimes paid off with a few sweet potatoes above the rice they paid you with. You figured out how to make a quick buck by selling theatre tickets at black market prices.

But when it came to your own life, you did not take charge as you had for others. Your mother took a liking to Father, in part because they were both gamblers and had good chats over their games. So despite your own conviction about the evils of gambling, you acquiesced and married Father - and stayed faithful to him all the long and hard years.

 We are a bundle of contradictions aren't we?


I am not sure why, Mother and Father; but I really want you to be proud of me.  I want you to know that your pain, suffering, sacrifices have meant something.

It feels unfair to me that only as a young adult, when I was beginning to take the effort to understand and truly appreciate the contours of your lives; that my life became so full of my dreams and commitments, that although our conversations and interactions could be so rich; they often stayed mundane and thin. That when the roles were reversing and I was meant to take charge, I was too absorbed with my world. I did not neglect you per se, but there is so much I want to say to you and do for you still.

And then, you left suddenly, painfully, and alone.

Some things in life just cannot be managed: the heart attack, the car accident.

Father, we could go bargain hunting together. I now see the value and fun in it.
Mother, where else did you want to travel to - for once - not in order to visit one of us?

I don't know how you two did it. In your authentic and courageous lives, I witnessed and received Providence, Grace, and Mercy. Through your refusal to give up on life, I have a legacy of resilience and optimism.

Fifty years feels a long time. You were more than half of it; and I am going to make sure you will always be a part of whatever remains….until we meet again. Then, let's read this letter together.

Love,
Jenni Popo

iphone 6, what we do everyday, jeremiah the prophet and leaving a legacy

Yes, I am going to attempt to link all these disparate pieces of the universe!

I have never ever queued for any tech gadget or collectible toy in my life before and for the most part, sorry, I think it's pretty foolish to spend precious life-time waiting for something that simply, won't last, even if it was a limited-edition-thingamajig and may earn you some good bucks later over ebay.

Meanwhile, over in my cave-woman existence, the fiery exchange between a hounded prophet and his God is raising the spiritual temperature for me as God sounds to me like He is yelling -

"My people have committed two sins: they have forsaken me the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." ~ 2v13 

"I have planted you like a choice vine, of sound and reliable stock. How then did you turn against me into a corrupt, wild vine?" ~ 2v21 

"..these people have stubborn and rebellious hearts; they have turned aside and gone away. They do not say to themselves 'let us fear the LORD our God..' Should I not punish them for this?"  ~5v21 

"Are they not rather harming themselves..?" ~ 7v19 

"Why does Jerusalem always turn away?" ~8v5

God is the heartbroken parent, the spurned lover, the usurped monarch - and - He both warns his people of impending doom and pleads with them to repent. In the mix, he also promises a wholly different future! It is a 'mixed message' because that's what it's like when we open our heart: the truth is multi-layered and it tumbles out like this complex puzzle; not a neat algorithm.

There are exchanges, deals, and transactions that go on each day. But they do not inhabit the same worlds. The question is, which world is more real? Which world is the one to put our heart and hardwork into so that it becomes our legacy?

Make no mistake. We all leave legacies.

legacy: something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past

Some of us leave legacies of hope. Or perhaps perseverance. My mother left us an incredible legacy of resourcefulness; she always found enough to feed us (barely) and ensured we went to school. In this way she also left us a legacy of living by values and not by means.

Alas, some would leave a legacy of neglect, avoidance, and fear.

My girlfriend grappled for three years as her home felt overtaken by a critical air and mistrust built up. It was a combination of many factors; including a grieving mother-in-law who would not let go her hurt and resentment. Living under the same roof also surfaced the unresolved issues between her and her son. It was indeed painful to watch my friend struggle as she sought to love but felt constantly rebuffed. Thankfully, she found strength to resist the drag into the daily emotional tussle and over time, shifted gears from her frustration to her vision.

Our legacies are generational ties that are meant to bond the generations. If we focus on that which is fleeting, we communicate and eventually leave a legacy that does not give strength to our children and their children to come.

Yet we will discover, as my friend did, that our visions are gifts from God to lead us down the paths of righteousness and as we do the small things right, God sets into motion the larger changes of the heart that we simply could not achieve.

A few months ago, this mother-in-law agreed to move out; and she apologised and thanked my friend for her stay.

Only so much can occupy our attention at a time. Multi-taskers beware! You can turn your precious attention away from the fluff and fritter each day to the deeper, eternal quest. The exchange between Jeremiah/God/Israel is not some ancient historical relic for the exercise of our minds. The strong words found there are like tinder that can set our souls ablaze and set us on a trajectory that creates a blazing legacy.

Listen:

"..be my people for my renown and praise and honor" ~13v11

'..blessed is the man who trsusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. he will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. it has no worries in a year of drought, and never fails to bear fruit." ~17v7f

Here is a call to live for something larger than ourselves. I am grappling afresh with this. After many years of being zealous, suffering burns and facing setbacks; it is not the easiest thing to believe, to stand and to fight. But you get this: nothing, absolutely nothing compares with this.

And the beautiful picture of this tree that doesn't fear!

This is legacy, setting our hearts on a huge vision, each day living for the Dream, and finding our hearts not overcome by fear.

No new phone for me; but God, a renewed heart please.