Do I really need God?

Actually, you don't.

If what you want is to get by in life, make it rich, have a good time, mind your own business...raise some decent kids. I would say you do not need God. There are plenty of non-God people who do well in every department of life, from studies to marriage to phenomenal success.

In fact, I tried being an atheist once. Just forget about God la.

It lasted about a week.

This is why.

God is not an add-on.
He is not a secret ingredient for the best life.
The Heavenly Father isn't lonely.
Jesus isn't desperate for followers {as I tell it in my book Shed Those Leaves, his political non-maneuverings led him to a grisly death}
The Holy Spirit won't overpower / spook you because he needs to deliver / fill / use someone.

Human beings at our best spiritually is Religious. This means we think, do, define stuff that measures us as: up / down, in / out, black / white. And religion has got us all into a lot of trouble which we are still trying to climb out of.


We can get by without God. He has graciously and generously provided the air and water cycle plus basic causal links which we can use to generate food, shelter and even regenerate ourselves.
When we reach for God ourselves, we tend to create caricatures, totems and idols.

What the Bible tells us is not that we are bad people. Not that we must improve. Not that Christianity or Judaism is a pathway to God even. No, the Bible tells us,

In the beginning God.
At the end, God.

We come onto the scene at his breath. That breath makes us alive on multiple levels: able to eat, relate to animals, work creatively, govern, procreate, hear and respond to God with immediacy. That the breath returns to the Giver by orienting us towards Him in reverence, obedience, and union.

But the breath gets snuffed.

We need fresh breath to be truly alive.

I named this blog To Really Live because I started out on life with very little. I wore the same dress twice to birthday parties and another child pointed it out. All of my life I grasped at what it means to live. I was alive even if I was hungry often. I was alive enough to thrive through some harsh setbacks. I wanted to be alive emotionally, intellectually, creatively... to really live was my quest.

For many today, a full life is a busy life, or a pleasure-filled life, or a life where one is not denied what one wants. Some are more outward looking and a full life is about making a mark, leaving a legacy.

But to really live, we have to be really alive first.

God says we need Him to be really alive.

With Him, it does not mean our lives are charmed. We speak of Grace, Favour, Providence, miracles. These are all true and we would be blind to deny they are real and experienced by many who trust God. Yet, our lives can also be filled with all the same issues and problems.

The difference?

It is to really live by that breath that turns us Godward so that we rise above ourselves. Our agenda is no longer ourselves. Our reward is no longer this-worldly. Our joy is no longer circumstantial. 

Jesus did a strange thing (especially to our sensibilities) when he appeared to his disciples after rising from the dead. It is recorded that 'he breathed on them'. That breath brings us right back to the first page of our story, when God breathed and brought forth a living being called man. It seems Jesus was re-enacting that; letting them know he is calling them to life.

{imagine the scene, being there and hearing the breath}


Perhaps pause now to hear (one of these):

Breathe on me by Hillsong

Breathe on me breath of God by Steven Green


And this fresh breath is sustained and swept up in a work of God that urges us forward to a vision of renewing earth, reconciling hearts, restoring hope that flickers within us. 

The story of how the disciples were struck by a wind that carried flames and loosed their tongues in Acts is the turn key event that establishes this grand sweep of a purpose no human can imagine or concoct.

The breath of God is God himself and He is afoot with mighty things that will thunder and billow upon this crusted terrestrial ball!

'to really live' quest lives on!

So I don't need God in a way.
But I cannot truly live without Him.

I was created in His image
To be in relationship with Him
In a way that brings Him glory

If I denied that, I am saying I don't need him.

What's your real desire?
Get on with life, or get on with God?

I will not be silent !

When I miss a post,

I sweat a little.

Here's why.

I'm not a professional blogger, paid to write. Nor do I have eager fans waiting for RSS updates... So why fuss over how long since I last wrote?

There are many reasons one sweats over missing a beat.

One is driven to meet certain expectations (real or imagined).
One is a stickler for routine/habit.
One is guilt-stricken because one has made a promise to self or others.
One is worried to lose readers (social media gurus' mantra: don't miss a post!)
One loves doing it!

I am somewhere in the midst of all that, to be honest. On different days, different things propel me. It may be the same for you  - for coaching your kids, baking, designing or fishing!

But here's my top 2 reasons for keeping at it - giving it time, energy, attention - even if it doesn't pay any bills or bring other rewards commonly hoped for including fame (or infamy) and a following!


reason #1 : writing 'saves' me.

It does not save me the way God my savior does. But it is an ally in the process. Writing is the instrument of choice when it comes to gaining clarity, solidifying conviction, gathering heart rhythms onto a score sheet to see what tune it is playing.

I did not see it coming. But I have been teaching Journaling as a Spiritual Discipline for three years now; and it is such a delight to see hearts and minds awaken to deeper things!

Personally, with many thoughts and ideas bobbing around the waters of my soul-brain; I always feel much better each time after I write.

This belongs with a strange paradox worded like this by Jesus ~

"unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it remains but a seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." ~ John 12v24

When we give of ourselves, we take a risk and die to any self-preservation and protection. What I write can be misunderstood, misread or taken out of context. I could be labeled, accused, or bound up in some neat box by someone's notion of sensibility and right/wrong.

It isn't just writing. It is doing anything we find worthwhile and for which we will labour and 'put yourself out there'. Artists of all stripes understand this.

But this is God's way. Life comes on the back of sacrifice.

And lest we fed on a diet of heroics think this is Life for others; I have found, it is much more Life for myself first. Writing is like other aspects and areas of work and commitment: if God has called us to do it; the many seeds it produces is harvested first from our own lives.

Ask the mother who has the satisfaction of seeing her child come of age and mature well. In truth, the fruit of her labour and sacrifice were being carved onto her soul as she doles out the love each day.

Or the pastor / coach / manager who sees his efforts bear fruit, those hours of being alongside now seeing fruition as the mentoree / athelete / protege rise up to their potential. In truth, their persevering, believing, offering of second chances shaped their leadership ethos deeply.

I find that what God calls us to do serves us more than it serves Him. In his sufficiency and unfathomable wisdom; I doubt my few words put a dent in his univaserse. If it does, there is no way I can measure it. Sure, a comment or two may pop up (and that's really nice!), but where I can measure the difference is right here between the ribs!


reason #2: writing is words is meaning is power

Since God spoke the first words that became solid colour, design and life.
Since the Law was given.
Since the prophets railed and ranted.
Since The Word came in the flesh.
Since the bible was compiled.

There has been a battle to silent the Word. 

'Did God say...?' -- doubting the Word, began in the garden. It continues through the ages with skeptics, cynics, critics and couch potatoes. The word is sneered at, made light of, out-rightly rejected and rebutted.

What strange power. Sounds represented by letters strung together explode into embodiment of value, principle, truth, Life. Or else, falsehood, vain glories, exaggeration, simplification or distortion. It is an amazing thing this!

Today, this power is buzzing in many hands that hold a little device which allows each one to set forth their views and feelings with little censure.


So since God tapped me on the shoulder and pointed me in the direction of my bent - this love for words, this quest for meaning - He has given, shaped, edited my life and given me words for what I think, feel, intuit... and then He had said, "be bold and say it". I choose to believe that my very clumsy, often inadequate words are resonating a deeper, stronger Eternal One.

So reason # 2 can also be called Obedience.

Again, I do not always get to see the outcomes of my obedience. But as a child eager to please the parent, I am eager to do what blesses my Father's heart. And if the little lad and his lunch of fish and bread instructs me, I only have to bring what I have -- He takes it, breaks it, and can use it to satisfy the hunger of who-knows-how-many? I wait with wide-eye wonder to see what all the words over time will do.

Together with reason #1, this writing, this post, is then a Joyful Obedience.

Perhaps a cheeky borrowing of a famous verse ~

For God so loves me 

that He called me to write

to save my own soul

and encourage others.

God loves me, yea,... but does he LIKE me?

adivsory: this post has fun cat pictures for illustrative purposes
Let's just say if you have a bad habit like forgetfully picking your nose in public; you will surely live. On the other hand, if you have a bad habit inside your head, it gets more complicated (especially if yours is a woman's head).  A bad head habit is a thought pattern and way of interpretation that is faulty. This has massive implications.

If you tend to think people are out to get something from you; imagine how you would respond to a spontaneous gift from me?


Our head habits, those regular thought patterns are like train tracks. We have train tracks just for God; and I have found that it is basically about God being far / unreachable / out to get us, and that this track runs parallel to another one about self: I am not good enough.

Guess what? I have a very serious hunch that for most of us those are the exact train tracks that run inside our heads of all sizes. And the train goes clackety-clack on those tracks so that no matter what we hear taught, preached, sung... it ends up as another carriage on this track.

How do we get off track, or on the right track?

The answer is Revelation. /an enlightening or astonishing disclosure / {Meriam webster online} 

Revelatory insight makes you bright, turns on the light and brings a smile to your face.

Like when you discover that God doesn't love you because He cannot help it since He is Love; and that not just that, He actually likes you.

I remember that afternoon well. We were dating so I was visiting and hanging around. The house was quiet and in the high of new-love, I was shaken by this Q: does God like me? I am not sure where the Q came from; but nearly twenty-nine, I wasn't head-over-heels in love as much as waxing and waning over my fierce emotions and equally strong resistance to this whole 'we're going to get married thing'. We were old enough and free enough to have gotten on each other's nerves too many times to count. So perhaps, I was disliking myself a tad.

The answer, the revelation came a couple of years later. Sure that afternoon, my mind put 2+2 together: God is all integrity, and we cannot use human measures for him; I comforted myself that He did like me. But I did slip in, "tell me God".

So another afternoon, I was sitting, no, I was crumpled, at the piano, trying to tinker some noise of praise out as my heart was filled with sorrow, anger and remorse (it's amazing how many things one can feel at once)... when I 'heard' "Jenni, I enjoy you". God caught me right at that tip of the train track as my trains were leaving. It was almost as if He interrupted me because just as those words came, they overlaid my own words, "I don't enjoy myself". 

I'm the poorer judge, and too weak to argue. So the words slipped right into me and found the empty space and lodged there. God likes me!

There are days when I am grossly dissatisfied with myself. Et tu? Like when I am hazy, lazy, and yes, plain crazy!  Like when I knew I should have but didn't. Like when I slip into my ennui. I am glad to report to my fellow women that I am on the downhill side of that dreaded the PMS mountain. But my inconsistencies, contradictions, comedy of errors are all wrapped up in a Love that likes - 

/ to feel attraction toward or take pleasure in / 

God is drawn to me and when I sit with Him, He smiles. He's glad I made the time and created a special space. Maybe he pats my head. Often I find a light breeze or a tune - both balms for this tropical heat. This may sound weird; sometimes I make up jokes for God! 

This morning I was going to write a funny piece on Twitterverse. 
I was going to group twitters by birds and have a bit of fun with my observations ...then I felt Someone laughing with me. As I brushed my teeth, I realised I wanted you to know this: God loves you, and he likes you!

Not some future version of you, all cleaned up and improved.Certainly, God is not like us and i do believe that when he sees us, he sees all of us; past-present-future. Yes, there are people He does dislike too - those described in the Bible who are not Godward; the evil. 

We separate Love and Like. It's easy to like (just click) than love. Not really. Very few of us genuinely like anyone else. We find way too many things to complain about them. It's easy to. I remember as a teen thinking, "I don't have to like anyone. I just have to love them". OK -- it is jolly hard to love anyone without liking them at least a bit!

Perhaps this is a false divide, another faulty train track. How do you love someone - who is a composition of his traits, habits, personality and values, while disliking them? So my conclusion of the matter is this:  I will stop pretending. I don't really love/like anyone. I even struggle to love/like me. And in my abject poverty, the emptied out space, when the train switch is off and the clackety is stilled - revelation comes and finds a home:

we love because He first loved us ~ 1 John 4v19 NIV

and if i may add: we like because he first liked us.

If I haven't met you yet, I am sure I will like you a tad when we do meet. Meanwhile, be brave, get to a scratching post and let all your angst out, Claw away till you have sloughed off some and feel space opening up for your moment of revelation. 

Q: What other revelations (that overturning of train tracks) have you experienced?

How to do the Will of God when your thoughts, feelings and behaviour are all in a jumble

Some days I can almost hear those gears grinding in my mighty teen's head as we talk about life, love, annoyances, boys (often a subset of annoyances), God and so on. Of late, she has become rather fascinated with the notions of personality and human psychology: what makes us do what we do? When you are as old as I rather am, you will forget you walked this road before as a teen - the one marked with so many signage it was plain confusing.

But then we reached some spot where we breathe, feel the wind, come alive, go a-ha!

credit: Michelle Nyat-Teoh

Somewhere in my university days I remember learning about CABs. We all move around in CABs, not the taxi variety but in a mobile unit made of our Cognition, Affections, and Behaviour. If you prefer, we are the ego sum of our Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour (speech and actions, silence and non-action). It was hugely helpful moment when the lights came on for me. However, the psychology prof did not really tell us which of the three came first. So we were largely left to sort the sequence and pieces out and many days as a young woman, that is pretty hard stuff when your mind tells you one thing, your heart another and you may out of cowardice, peer pressure or sheer momentary insanity act yet another way!

But that was years ago. I am glad I remember my clumsy years. It certainly reins in my tendency to run out of patience with the mighty teen and lead me down a more compassionate path. While I still believe that difficulty and hardship are wonderful gifts when one is growing up to develop grit; I also see that her battle is a different one. Grit is still needed from her; but it is called forth in other ways. Figuring out who one is has never been an easy thing to do, rich or poor. Very few embark on it with honesty and courage and so many fall by the wayside and settle for living up to some handed down dream or limit themselves to circumstances.

My hope is that my own journey can be a legacy and a sort of trail for her to learn how to make her own.

According to the famous Myers Briggs temperament analysis, I score higher on Thinking than Feeling, which is to say I process my information more through my brain than my heart. I was happy to hear that having grown up in a spiritual tradition that was distrustful of fickle human emotions and also seeing first-hand the crazy damage to congenial relations when emotions ran feverish and words and bamboo poles were wielded to inflict hurt {that's right, my maternal grandma you do not trigle with}.

So my CAB had a huge large captial 'C' that drove the way forward, or so I thought.

What the psychology prof did not also address is what happens when God gets involved. So let me tell you: He stalls the cab. My thinking hit a limit.

Without the Thoughts to control the other bits; I found my Feelings staging a mutiny and my Behaviour sometimes surprising!

For others I have seen, it has been Good behaviour, Outstanding Performance, Fantastic Feelings that have ruled the day. But sooner or later, they hit a limit. We cannot sustain our self-constructed worlds. God lets some disrepair, disorder, disruption take place. It can lead to pretty depressing states. But it is the only way we are jolted out of our self-life. In the Silence when what used to work doesn't, we find our Selves deconstructed and if we dare, a truer more real self will emerge.

You see, there is one more component the prof didn't talk about because he didn't study it in graduate school: the Imago Dei - made in God's image. You and I, thus created and designed operate not only with Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour; we also have this mysterious bit that still defies location today, called the Will. The Will is the power house of direction and action. We can think and feel and act but until we will something, the power doesn't come through. 

I love him -
can be a thought. O what a lovely thought. But it can remain all but within our brains.
can be a feeling. Such a sweet feeling. But it vaporises quickly enough when a contradictory feeling comes along.
can be an action. Great acts can even arise from this but they need to be sustained...

Thought, Feeling and Behaviour gathers at the gate waiting for the Will to muster them and say -- 

I will love him! 

The question is, will I? Will you? Why yes/no?

So I realised the deeper Q is this: what wills you? Why should the Will awaken and assert over the rest? The answer is that there is A Higher Will that you and I pursue and seek to obey. It is what we say in the prayer Jesus taught

Our Father in HeavenHallowed by Thy NameThy Kingdom ComeThy Will be doneOn earth as it is in Heaven...

I can almost see a valley full of Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour now gather in amazing numbers bearing arms and waving signs that say 'no way!'.  I hear protests of :

do you have any idea what i have gone through, my mind remembers every detail...
my heart is still in so much pain
look, this is just not me, I simply don't do this

I wait out the clamour a bit. I let the self-evident results play out as the Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour begin to show signs of disunity. The great army disintegrates in smaller camps rife with conflict. The memory is hazy, the feelings are going hither and thither, and the behaviours are deepening in crisis.

I read a Psalm slowly. At first, the three continue with their murmuring... but they quieten down, and when I read this, they snap to attention ~

"Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart,
all you who hope in the LORD." ~ Psalm 31v24

I go back to the start of the Psalm now that they are quiet, and read again:

"In You, O LORD, I put my trust,
let me never be ashamed;
Deliver me in Your righteousness.
Bow down your ear to me,
Deliver me speedily;
Be my rock of refuge,
A fortress of defense to save me...
For you are my strength.
Into your hand I commit my spirit;
You have redeemed me, o LORD God of truth...
You have considered my trouble;
you have known my soul in adversities...
My times are in Your hand..." ~ Psalm 31v1-5 (NKJV)

As The Thoughts back down from their haughty place, as the Feelings are soothed with a salve that reaches deep, and as my Behaviour stops flaunting its self-righteous label, my Will arises afresh and commands them to move in concert to the baton held by the One who knows best. I am ready to act in love.

how to keep believing in rainbows when they disappear so fast..

I believe we all live under His eternal arc of Goodness {click to read about it}. But there are days when all I can muster is this: I want to believe.

After all, the amazing confluence of vapors and light quickly disappear and our pretty bow of colours is lost to us.

Last night, I was part of a large team that was praying for the sick. When we opened the doors, the church filled up quickly. I turned around and see a young girl, about eight, sitting strapped to a special wheelchair. The straps would keep her upright. She was fair, pretty, unsmiling. Her mother was holding her hand while her father sat behind to keep a watch that her skinny frame is not slipping out from those straps and she is leaning on the tiny pillow stuffed around the backrest to cushion her neck.

When the singing started, I noticed that I was struggling to join the rousing chorus of voices. I feel deeply and often find myself burdened by such gaping needs. The common cold to me is no life trial. But the sight of that little girl got to me. I don't ask 'why' the same way I used to - all angsty, self-righteous and impatient; but I am of the band that still hates to see such seeming senselessness.

Later, what I would hear from nearly every person who stepped up to me for prayer was more than my few words could carry.

a woman who has had five surgeries and is expecting another for her recurrent hernia problem

 my mother has dementia and now I am getting sick; her medical bills are too much for me.." 

the weary mom who prodded her epileptic son forward, "recently also he has eczema:..and afterwards, is telling us she has three maladies and her kidneys may be failing

It felt so inadequate, the few minutes of summarizing needs and pains into a few lines; and the prayer.

After the prayers, we sang our last song, God is Good, all the time.

What does it take to honestly sing God's goodness in the face of such crushing life difficulties? How do we remember that as long as it is day and the water cycle of life goes on; the rainbow is always there - because the water is always there - just that we only glimpse it sometimes.

Sometimes it is cruel to make God sound so close; not that He isn't, but we are not so easily in tuned with Him. And at times, He does seem to disappear behind the clouds and everything seems just.plain.dark.

But this precisely is the walk of f a i t h . This is the hard, true stuff of it. You and I, somehow, are drawn to this strange place where we notice rainbows and get pelted by rain, often within the same day.

This is the hard real stuff God promises His people if we refuse to split the Word into bits we like and bits we don't:

Then shall the maidens rejoice in the dance,
and the young men and the old shall be merry.

Sounds like a bright-below-a-rainbow picnic of wild abandon!

I will turn their mourning into joy,
I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.
I will fest the soul of the priests with abundance,
and my people shall be satisfied with my goodness, says the LORD ~ Jeremiah 31v13f

And I am up on my feet ready to twist to this news until my eyes glance down and I notice there is more:

a voice is heard in Ramah, lamentation and bitter weeping. Rachel is weeping for her children; she refuses to be comforted for her children, because they are not. ~ Jeremiah 31v15

This verse sits strangely among the many words of comfort and rainbow-promises.

I have gone back and read it, prayed, thought, and checked the commentaries. It's hard. Why such harrowing information right smack in the middle of the promises of return, vindication and joy?

We may not quite get it; this rainbow and thunder mix, this abundance and death deal all rolled in one.

But then I see it. Jeremiah is gaining traction here. The rainbow is glimpsed and for a closer look, one trudges and finds sometimes that a craggy large boulder is blocking our view; but the climb up that boulder, scraping hands and knees will reveal a vista  not yet seen.

Jeremiah is building up towards a crescendo: The New Covenant.

The terms of the New Covenant are ... new. If you were a Jew listening; it will sound strange, unfamiliar, preposterous. The exile was hard to stomach; the return is hard to conceive; the New Covenant is plain impossible.

A new king whose kingdom will not end.

W-O-W.

But listen. This verse of wailing mothers is later used by Matthew. It happened.

There were inconsolable tears nearly two thousand years ago when baby boys where slaughtered by a nervous king. These tears, incomprehensible to us, were the context of God's great salvation plan to rescue us from all tears forever.

I wish it didn't have to happen this way. But it did. God came right into our messes. Jesus was subject to it until it killed him.

So if there's sound advice on how to stay right under the rainbow even when you cannot see it; it's what God told Jeremiah to do: buy land! (I don't mean invest in property folks). I mean lay down your stakes. Live deep. Dig right in. Embrace your now, your weakest and darkest. For God is working something out. 

This by the way is sheer madness. Jeremiah is asked to trust when everything appears contrary. His title deed is an act of defiance against how-things-appear. It is a statement that says, 'the game isn't over, the score hasn't been tallied, the results are not out yet'. This too is God's instruction to us: to live not by sight, but by faith.

In our days, this living by faith will be really tough sometimes. We will see stuff that blocks out the Son and makes the rainbow vaporize. To keep believing in rainbows when that happens, we must look at the definite work that demonstrates God's Goodness once for all: the Cross and the empty tomb. We don't deserve, wouldn't ask, couldn't conjure it - but there it is, historical fact and faith revelation. God is good to us and has sent us His Son, tore up His heart - that we may know while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


The rainbows appear to remind us they have always been there. 
They show up where there is light and where life continues.


13 

more dust with the prophet Jeremiah...and how to really deal with rejection

Things can be both funny and un-funny at the same time.

Like being called a weeping prophet. It sounds funny; the image of this grown man going around like a his tear ducts need healing, and you don't know if mid-sentence he may just began to bawl. Most of us would stay away from someone so seemingly volatile. This is when it gets un-funny. Tears are like spontaneous combustion - get the right mix, and they come brimming over your lids.

In our wonderful Gospel of God-loves-us; it is very hard to imagine, much less embrace that we may be called to a ministry of rejection and tears.

Yes, we love those verses that light up our esteem where Jeremiah was told

"before I formed you in the womb i knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations." ~ 1v5

But, read on and we won't be as enthusiastic when we find out his job description and his working conditions!

No wonder at one point the prophet got so fed-up, he was so bummed out, so near expiry, he moaned and groaned his lot

"Woe is me, my mother, that you have borne me,
a man of strife and contention to the whole world!
... I sat alone because of Your hand,
for you have filled me with indignation.
why is my pain perpetual and my wound which refuses to be healed?
Will you be to me an unreliable stream, as waters that fail?" ~ 15v10,18f

He is lonely and rejected.
His efforts are futile.
It all seems pointless.

In his pain, he staggers and everything seems a blur and it feels he cannot find God anywhere.

Jeremiah by Rembrandt

You and I know these feelings.

We live in a world where we are just naturally skilled at hurting others and being hurt (most of it unintended!). Rejection, loneliness, and doubts assail us. What is the point of trying, obeying, sacrificing?

God's response is not the molly-coddle we hope for. He stands his man up and refocuses him on his mission -

"If you return, then I will bring you back,  you shall stand before me; if you take out the precious from the vile, you shall  be as my mouth." ~ 15v19

Return? Where did Jeremiah go? He veered off course down the ravine of self-absorption and was having a one-soul picnic: the pity party. I used to throw these parties often, especially when PMS hit. The spread is simple - take out from the basket every memory of hurt and break it apart to look for something to soothe your feelings. You will find nothing.

God didn't scold the prophet for his feelings; but He calls him to pack up the picnic. One more thing: God said there it is a mix of precious and vile. 

Extracting gold, refining silver, creating a pearl of great price takes effort. Jeremiah, you and I need to know where to direct our energies: separate the precious from the vile. See the hand of God in your situation. Find the gift and grace in your pain. Focus on the goodness and kindness that can be found in the midst of the craziness.

Picnic basket packed, we move on to a place more suited for serious reflection and prayer.

God says, "you shall stand before me".

God doesn't intend for us to lose our place with and before Him. Standing before God is the place of seeking Him, communing with Him, and being commissioned by Him.

There's more -

"..they will fight against you, but they shall not prevail against you;
for I am with you to save you
and deliver you.." ~ v20

Jeremiah, you and I will eat dust and, more than live:

*Scriptures taken from the New King James Version

We cannot get the Big Picture -- and it's okay...

We all like to know 'why'.
It stands to reason as we are creatures of reason.
Some of us are happy with a big picture; others need a lot more detail, so social scientists tell us.

Well, I for one am generally happy to begin moving in a direction once I know where the arrow points. But, with some things, details are necessary.... like needing some sign that your kid is really, actually studying, not just being told , "don't worry mom, I'm studying!". Right?

But sometimes, we simply won't get the Big, whole picture no matter how hard to strain to. This is how I found out recently.

My 14 yr old shared with us this year that she feels she is ready for baptism. As pastor-parents, we are delighted! But I must admit that my delight is tainted with some concern. Does she really understand? Is she really ready? I must admit that I agree with a fellow parent here: some of this concern is troubling as what it really reflects may be self-concern that we have done a good job as parents! Ouch!

The sleuth in me began to set to work. What has led up to this point?
You see, my daughter has an extremely questioning mind. When she was six, sitting in the sofa reading something, she suddenly looked up and said out loud, "Isn't it God's fault since He put the tree in the garden in the first place?". This is the first of a long barrage of questions that came, and with each year, they also became laced with a sheen of skepticism.

And then, clear as sky, I could see she no longer read her Bible or prayed. It was painful.

Well, we had spots of light -
she kept asking
she talked and debated with us (rather than turn away)

So yes, I wanted to trace what led to this amazing tipping point.

It wasn't difficult as they were all in the journals of my heart: the moment several years ago I felt God said to "fight for her destiny" and it quickened me to pray and continue creating a home where the spiritual is weaved real into everything and everyday. And then an event or two plus heart conversations... with a river of tears and prayers (mine and several dear fellow-moms) flowing beneath it all....

This is my version of what led to Baptism.

Then, during the service, she went up and gave her testimony. It began, "Hi, I am ...14..and the daughter of not one, but two pastors" to knowing laughter around us. This is all the mention we get by-the-way (the Ouch).

She then goes on to describe what led to this point; and guess what? Her story and mine doesn't fit! Not even an overlap in parts!

I thought God worked and met her in certain ways.
She talked about how God met her in other ways.

I felt a Holy Laugh.

I get it the next morning. My sleuth work isn't bad. It's just what I saw and felt meaningful. Her story is honest. It's what's real to her. And I get it: we cannot get the Big Picture of what God is up to sometimes. But we each have a sliver of it and it is enough for us to take the next step.

Yet moments like these - when we know what we know isn't all there is to know -- well, we bow and give thanks; for that's all we can do!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are you ways my ways", declares the LORD ~ Isaiah 55v8 

As the Psalmist reminds us,

Who can proclaim the mighty acts of the Lord
or fully declare his praise? ~ Psalm 106v2 {emphasis mine}

God is real

I had several Jesus moments these few days.

It didn't come because I was at some conference.
It didn't happen because I was all set out to change the world.
It didn't come about as a result of any specific plans.

But Jesus came near to the broken, hurting, confused and I happened to be there.

As I  listen to their words tumbling out or their tears streaming down, I begin to feel Jesus' heart for them. I speak softly, "let us sit here with Jesus", "let us wait for God to show us"....

To the broken-hearted gal, Jesus dug a large hole and said, "toss all that you clutch in there".
To the confused man who saw everyone around him prospering while he seems to stagnate; who wonders why all of his giving is not returning, Jesus reminds him of true treasure and that He has noticed his giving as surely as he sees that old widow's two copper coins.
To me, the "what do I do now" lost child in a world of needs such as the epileptic lady trying to sell me stuff I don't need, I heard Jesus say, "pray for her".

Often, the Spirit also brings to mind stories from the Scripture and words of truth and promise that helped me to relate and share with them.....

An old song comes to mind, one I taught my youths (did they laugh at the tune at first!) which they grew to love --

There are some things

I may not know

There are some places

I can't go

But I am sure, of this one thing

My God is real

for I can feel him deep within

My God is real, real in my soul

My God is real

for he has washed and made me whole

His love for me

is like pure gold

My God is real for I can feel Him in my soul

you can hear God is Real here {click}

So soul, Jesus is near. Maybe sit and listen?

Perhaps you will see something. Or feel the Spirit's wind blow and remember to breathe, to slow, to hold the tongue, offer a hand, open your heart....

Four words to bring order... and peace.

In the beginning

GOD

These first four words in Scripture establish for us two important truths:

1      1. There was a beginning.

Something happened that sparked, initiated, and ignited what came next. This also means that there was a pre-beginning; there is an unfolding, and probably, a conclusion coming at the end.

      2.  There was God at that point.

He was already in existence. He is the one who started things off. He made a move, spoke words, took dust and he ‘prepared, formed, fashioned’ (amplified bible).

kota kinabalu/mersilau by Joyce E Chow

These four words have over the years burrowed deep into my soul. They are not words that apply to creation alone. They are words that are real today.

Every situation I encounter, every surprise or setback – it has helped me recognize that this God who created, He is already there. I may be surprised and set-back; but not Him.

This is immense comfort, and hope.

In the original Hebrew, everything was in chaos. Then God stepped in and there was order.  Tell me that doesn't apply to our everyday lives? Chaos is so easy for us. We lose sight of our priorities. We step on toes. We forget promises. We lose our phones. We haven’t packed and cleaned for too long (and I don’t mean just our homes but also our hearts)… Chaos is always about to break out on us.

Some days, one too many things happen and we drown in a churning sea of how-to-get-all-this –done?!

Until – we pause – and ask God to please step in.  And he always does. He responds to invitations.

Isn’t it?

When you remember the sermon point.

When you recall that hastily written line in your journal.

When a tune grows into a song grows into worship.

When you remember that heart-felt prayer said over you.

Then -

Reprieve.

The chaos may be there; but its power to swallow you up has been denied because you have appealed to the Highest authority there is.

And, God is the God of beginnings. Right in the midst of the swirling chaos, God can begin things. 

Perhaps a new beginning as you recognize your weaknesses.  Perhaps a new beginning as you sort out your priotiries. Perhaps a new beginning as you fill up with hope and take courage to press on. 

Perhaps a new beginning as you anchor in on this:

The earth is the Lord’s, and all it contains, the world, and those who dwell in it. ~ Psalm 24

These words are a throwback to Genesis 1.

He started it. He takes care of it. He will lead it toward the end. We – are – His, whether we know and acknowledge it or not.

This has helped me to see, feel and pray differently. It’s hard to be me vs them. My colleagues, friends and even family members may be cause for my troubles and sorrows, but we all belong to, and will have to account to God our Maker. I cannot account for them. My own heart is sometimes far from my grasp and I need help to not fall into the all too common trap of self-deception. 

Before God then, as I invite Him to come and bring order in my chaos, I willingly open my heart to address - whatever - needs to be 

spoken to,

healed,

calmed,

and directed.

This week may be more of the same, or may throw up some curves... But, Remember - whatever, whoever, whenever,

in the beginning 

God…

So, steady, my heart. In the beginning GOD... {a song by Kari Jobe}

Lost, setback, and feeling your faith is small?

Lost.

Listen, when you live in a lost world, it is natural to sometimes feel the lost-ness.

The directional signs are all over the place. Fat is bad, fat is good. Go here, no, there! Do this – now! Save up for retirement. The trend is graphics, the trend is finance, the trend is start-ups.

Our ability to choose is sabotaged by the profusion of available choices.

And then, we stumble. Things go awry. Relationships hit a wall. Promises are forgotten, our hearts break.

Set.back. 

Sounds like all our steps led to nowhere. Sometimes it can even feel like after all the effort, conviction, and sacrifice; we regressed! After all, we are getting older and someone told us we were meant to move forward, to go from  ‘strength to strength’. Aw God, this is so darn disappointing!

Maybe I heard wrong. Maybe I did wrong. Maybe, my faith is too small. No, a small faith like a mustard seed moves mountains. Where is my faith if I am walking into mountains?

Go on and say it: I am disappointed. I am sad. I am mad. I am giving up.

It’s okay. These feelings happen: lost and setback, unsure, frightened, feeling vulnerable, wanting to let it all go, angry, resentful…

You are not being held by your feelings anyway. Not even by your faith. {I shall talk about where that comes in later}. You are being held by Love. Love is unafraid of your feelings. Love sees them, absorbs them, bears them.

Blessed be the Lord,
    who daily bears us up;
    God is our salvation.  Selah ~ Psalm 68v19

The fruit of pain is often cynicism. It is also the fruit of years. Growing older can make us more cynical as we encounter more of life and people.

\ˈsi-nə-ˌsi-zəm\

: cynical beliefs : beliefs that people are generally selfish and dishonest

So, just in case, we will not lay all our cards on the table. Just in case, I will withhold myself. Just in case, I will self-protect first.

The problem is, we were designed by God to be free, safe, and fully engaged. Life is an immersive experience. You find it and live it as you dive in. Holding back lets you see the water but not feel its power. To dive in, one will have to trust that the water will hold you up when you relax and let it. But we thrash about so!

God’s answer to this is so simple, we often miss it.

G-r-a-t-i-t-u-d-e.

Being grateful is a posture of dependence.

Being grateful is an exercise in defiance.

Being grateful is engaging with the Unseen and announcing its triumph over what we see.

Being grateful is laying down a traceable trail in this world of crisscrossed pathways.

It is hanging on to what little faith because that little faith is hanging on to a Great God who is holding on to you, with no intention of ever letting go.

Such that, we can,

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ~ 1 Thess 5v17

God’s will is that we remain thankful because this is how we remain faithful.

Your feelings are real, but they are not truth. Tell them to Him who is all Grace and Truth. He will hold you, steady you, and as you pour your heart out, and begin to write down your thanks, He works things out – and we can see the good without straining.

I want to dream on...

I have always been a dreamer.
When I was in Primary four, and the teacher had called my name several times and failed to get my attention, she said to the whole class, "Yim Tee is a dreamer". Then she promptly shifted me to the back of the class to be left to my dreaming!

I grew up harboring many dreams in my heart. Some of it was plain necessary as we were poor and i was one of a large brood. I dreamt of running away from home to a different life where there will be toys, a pony and good food... to a place like Sesame Street where people smiled kindly and large puppets, funny and grouchy were your neighbours.

I dreamt of becoming somebody important, like a doctor who saves lives. A singer who is clothed in glamour. At times, i trimmed my dreams to fit my circumstances. Perhaps i could be satisfied with selling roast meat rice, being an air-stewardess, or just getting married ...to someone richer.

But when I was eight, I said a prayer to ask Jesus to be my best friend. Since then, another heart seemed to beat within my bosom. By the time, I had listened to my Sunday school teacher teach us about God's great big world and the perishing millions; a new dream begin to unfold within me. I was going to serve God.

Perhaps due to my humble circumstances, I never really harboured grandiose ideas though I had asked for millions to rid the world of some of its poverty. {did not get it}.

Now nearly forty years on - God's dream for me remains still a few steps beyond me. It's a reaching-for-it that seems to matter to God. There were times when doubts crashed over me and threatened to keep me submerged in the mighty waters of fear, regret and anxiety.

I have had many long months of crying over losses, wondering over what-ifs, angry, frustrated, and just plain frightened. Yet, God holds me still. I have seen my smaller dreams come true as He continues to deftly cut off, fold and shape my heart and my circumstances. I have been sustained and even felt celebrated as God's gifts and goodness continues to enter my life.

I have become a pastor out of obedience and found such deep joy it was like coming home. I am a stay-home-mom out of my convictions and have discovered possibly my favourite job in the world. I have faced my many pains as a woman and suprised myself that God's healing grace in me reaches out to other women. I have followed my husband and moved churches and gained such precious friends along the way. I have written books and now have a longing to fill my bog with biblical insights to teach and reach.

I am still reaching-for. My dream is nothing less than to know God, live His Kingdom out loud and build a movement that will shake up the world! It's way too crazy-big and beyond me and I have come to realize that it isn't up to me to see it comes to pass even though each day i need to work hard at what comes and prayerfully try to anticipate what's around the bend.

Most days, I find huge gaping holes in my motive, action and mood! But Grace has constantly held me together and I have learnt there is a bubbling little brook of Joy that refreshes me though the days can get dreary, discouraging and even downright dark.

In a way, God-sized dreams are precisely that: God-sized!  I'm a really tiny person but the Spirit of God lives in me so I guess there's a way it shall all come together.

How did God see your 2013?

What is the first emotion that comes as you think of 2013?

If you could draw a picture to represent the year, what would you draw?

Some of us hitch onto some happy moment, grin and tumble into the new year. Some of us wince at certain memories and maybe even fight to fend off the sense that we blew it again. Doubtless for most of us in mostly sunny Singapore, our days were a busy mix of getting around, chasing deals and forging goals. It can be hard to tease our jam-packed days apart to see what they were truly about.

- The unexamined life is not worth living - Socrates

But how do we examine our lives? What do we use to map our days against? What grid, or guide do we have? Our ever-present tendency is to compare ourselves with... some ideal, and often feel like we have been given the short end of the stick again.

Recently, i thought that even being on Facebook can do enormous harm: we may be sick, jobless, lost...and it seems the whole world is having a great time without us - all the pictures of balmy scenes, happy faces, wise words, great times... people are going places and doing stuff. Life is happening without us.

Facebook tries to help with a review of your year by stitching together all your posts and updates that received the highest 'likes'. Ah, all is not lost, i was heard; someone laughed at my joke, someone noticed my melancholy, someone liked my pictures.

As I was preparing to lead my church tomorrow for a time of reflection; I think of Jesus' words that sets up that contrast between life and death. He offers us life abundant - and warns us of the living reality that we have an enemy who wants to steal, kill and destroy.

Perhaps if we recognise that this dynamic presents itself to us each day - that within each day, we are posed a question: would you have life or not? I think of how our feelings, thoughts and circumstances may well be God's invitation and offer to live more fully and free.

I imagine looking at my life from the outside - and seeing it through God's eyes. What then of my 2013? How does God feel about my year nearly gone? What picture would he draw?

Selah.

Psalm 139 & more {enjoy}

Why not have some face-time with God and just remember - He is the God who made you, loves you and constantly, and faithfully invites you to go deeper. To live.

Let these WOW snowflakes' message melt into you...

God certainly delights in what He does...  {click}

This Christmas season, allow Him to do his wonders in your life.

How?
Stop demanding,
questioning
looking back
whining

but -
pray for eyes to see
heart to feel
mind that will think clear

look again at the snowflakes and let its beauty melt into your being and water the dry, thirsty land within.

Discovering God

Last night as I led a few leaders in a time of sharing about the past year in our lives; a brother talked about how his recent experiences helped him see that there are moments in life when it all boils down to you-and-God. No one else can quite enter your experience, bear the pain or help with understanding. Only One remains present, attending, and able to help. 

Yet, it will take us all a while to learn this deep truth that we indeed have a Heavenly Father, a God who offers help, a God who does carry us, a God who will grant wisdom, provide rest and bring healing.

When King Saul's jealousy and possible psychosis got the better of him, he hunted for David like a crazed predator for four years. Naturally, David feared for his life - and fear can make us do many things.
David went to the high priest for help. Later he went to enemy territory to hide. Everywhere David turned, people became implicated and sometimes suffered from the fallout of the conflict between Saul and David.

It looked like the sheer fear for his life was going to layer on with more: grief for what Saul would do to others who are innocent.

In our desperate moments, we will often turn for help - and sometimes, like a drowning man, we cling so tight to anyone or anything that can help; and drown that too.

There is instruction in this.

Equally, the four years David spent running for his life did something for him as all of these things happened. He crafted the Psalms that today reveal what depths a man and his God can get to.

In God alone there is rest for my soul

nowhere else
nothing else
no one else

In God is my safety

Not here
There
in him/her
in this/that

In God is my refuge

no need to flee
panic
fret
for God, ever-Present is.

David of course, eventually becomes the King God has anointed him to be. The dream God inked on his heart will come to pass even if it has to nearly die first. The king God saw fit to stand through a nation's history as king par excellence and as a pre-figure for Christ - that king who will build God's kingdom ways in a people, must know his God to the depths a mortal may be granted to. Yes, much of it came through a cauldron of human suffering we all seek to avoid: fear, threat of death, loneliness, emptiness, defeat, humiliation... But perhaps as John the Baptist would put it a thousand years later, "He must increase, I must decrease". More of God, less of me.

Christ on the Cross with John the Baptist and King David by
Schaufelein, Hans Leonard c1480-1539

note: These experiences and insights about God are reocrded in Psalm 62 - lyrics and music for a head Levite named Jeduthun* -one of three chief Levites; whom some deduce may be David's music teacher!