You think you are emotional... wait till you meet this lady!

Most of us (guys included) have so many days when our my emotions go helter-skelter: up, down, even sideways. 

In a way, our emotions signal to us that we are alive for they are the first bits of us to respond. Sights, smells, touch, sounds all trigger emotional responses in us:

Wow

Eew

Yuck

Awww

Augh

Sometimes they get too much and we just feel overwhelmed --

-- - especially when it's the negative ones like regret, doubt, grief. So perhaps we mutter 'whatever' and act as if we didn't care -- when we do.


Today, even as have made great strides towards understanding men and women and elevating the worth of women; emotions are still often seen as a liability; a particularly feminine one. It's something we don't want to take too seriously. 

This is how we like our emotions:

Then comes Jesus.

He has a way of bringing out the deepest truest parts of us if we are willing to risk it. 

from: knowingthetime.com

And he's not afraid of all our wildest emotions.


Jesus and his disciples were walking in a non-Jewish territory. This lady comes out of nowhere and begins crying out to Jesus for help. 

"Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is cruelly demon-possessed" ~ Luke 15

It then says that Jesus did not answer her a word. I always wonder about God's silence. It feels immediately like God is angry or has stopped caring. But could it be that God's silence is His way of giving us space and time to be. He is saying, "I am listening". 

This tiny thought explodes in my soul. The God of the Universe is listening to me and has chosen not to interrupt me as it were. 

Sometimes, what we need to say takes a long time for us to come to say it. Some struggles and questions are so deep, convoluted, messy; we need days and months and even years to be able to find the words to say it. All the time, God is listening.... until we are ready to hear.

The woman in this story responded to God's silence with pursuit. She obviously would not let up but railed on as she trailed them; for the disciples "implored Jesus to send her away because "she keeps shouting at us".

This is an intense scene.

Emotions are spilling out everywhere: the disciples are feeling embarrassed, awkward, annoyed. The woman has gathered all of her emotions: loss, confusion, powerlessness, grief, shame...and poured it all out before Jesus.

Jesus seems to stand apart from all this emotional outpouring; and we quickly conjure up our picture of the religious person: detached, cool, objective. But that's not accurate. Jesus is listening for the heart of her words. It is coming; and he wants to say something very critical to her.

Here is a picture of full-on emotional engagement that is meaningful.



There are times, we have to really let our emotions lead the way. Suppressing, ignoring, fearing what people may think won't work. 

For all we know, this woman's sorrow, frustration and anger at her situation may have often spilled out at the wrong people and at the wrong times. When your daughter has a demon; it is hard to be in control. The demon could act up and cause so much trouble for her. As a woman, she is physically unable to restrain it. Others would consider her suspect if not an outright witch or problem. Friends will be hard to come by.

But today; she sees an opportunity. We have no idea how she knows about Jesus and where she gets her notions from. But she got it right:

Jesus can handle all of her emotionsJesus can heal her daughter

So she lets it all out. She expresses her desperation - without reserve. 

To our eyes, it is probably a sad, pathetic scene. She is so losing it, we may think.

But that's not what Jesus sees in her desperation. When he finally speaks, he assuages her pain with a reference to his acceptance when he points out that house pets don't get to sit at the meal table. 

Did Jesus just compare her to a puppy?
Did God just describe me as a sinner?

Some of us hear God's word as condemnation.Some of us hear it as requirement.Some of us hear it as irrelevant.

This woman sees that Jesus has engaged her and she is not going to let go now. She hears it as an invitation to insist on her belief: Jesus, you can help me.



Jesus did not send her away.
He did not shut her up.
But he stretched the emotions for their worth. Jesus shared with a woman his missional priority (yes, a non-Jewish woman who would not be educated). For many again, this may seem uncaring and distancing. 

But not for this woman. 

Her answer is astounding. She humbly identifies herself with hungry dogs that will snap up the crumbs that fall from a table. 

Do we ever get this desperate?

I think we get grudging. "Ok God, since you can bless so-and-so with... then at least.." is more like us.
I know we get angry. "Why God?"
For sure, we get going with the complains department. " God, I have already been asking.."

As I read this, I recall that we were "once enemies, alienated from God.." (Romans 5) - but by the mercy of God and the salvation grace found in Christ, I can now draw near.

She does not have the same assurance I do ---- yet.

Seeing Jesus, she cannot accept that Jesus will not help her; and her insistence moved Jesus to declare her faith to be genuine and great! 

We honour God when we trust Him - above everything else.

Jesus was moved by her trust.
He helped her cut through her emotions to this sacred place of implicit and expressed dependence.

Then Jesus said to her, "O woman, your faith is great; it shall be done for you as you wish." And her daughter was healed at once. ~ v28

Let your emotions signal to you that it is time to take it all to Jesus.
Spill it all out, inchoate, bits, messes.

Take a good look at what He is able to do.

Cry out desperately for what you truly need.

Listen for what he may say.

Let your emotions serve you by leading you to the depths of what counts.


related posts:
bereft
a little more Will-ing
how to Will over your emotions

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): Take Care To Do These, You Must.

Every parent-child relationship is unique.

Yet all relationships thrive with the same basic ingredients.

Last year at the launch of my first children's book The Seed From Heaven, some twenty eager children, confirmed this for me as they raced to answer my question:

What makes a seed grow?

Yes they all knew - sunshine, water, fertilisers. Care. A Source that gives.

Last night I asked everyone around the dinner table to talk about their average day. Predictably, we all talked about the tasks and the events. As if we are nothing but functionaries. Yea, do you feel it too, that our conversations revolve around tasks, functions, timings? Then when you hit a pause, you feel this vast emptiness or a breathlessness? And before you can examine it, the next thing is screaming for attention?

So we move on from task to task, often not quite clear about the Why, and at times, weariness and even resentment builds up. And our best coping mechanism is to turn to our screens for distraction.


An educator shared with me how teenagers in Singapore when asked about what mattered to them, how they felt about certain things, who they deeply connect with, struggled to give coherent, convincing responses. Most of them quizzically asked if there was a 'right' answer!

Folks, we are

Feeling
Thinking
Acting

beings. But mostly, we Act (pun intended), and we do so without enough sensitivity to our environment: how the person is feeling, how many things we are managing at one time, what are the real costs involved (besides monetary), who may be affected in the longer-term, what is being heard and imbibed?

In Singapore (and it's spreading), when we tend to make simple equations eg. hard work = good grades, we can lose sight of so much and really mess up!

With hindsight, now that my children are 18 and 13, I believe that if we are to raise proper persons, fullsome beings, there are 5 things we must do. 5 areas we must become adept at. They aren't easy. We can protest that no one did these for us. We say 'there's no guarantee anyway'. But friends, parenting isn't easy. It's the one job you can't put a price tag on. You will tear your hair out at times, cry, be sleep deprived. worry silly... If it requires so much of us anyway, let's use the energy and make the sacrifices count!

We each have only so much energy in a day. I challenge my fellow parents to use it wisely and prudently. With your energy, would you spend it posting on Fb, creating Insta, shopping for deals, or developing your parenting wisdom and muscle? Learn to master these 5, you won't regret it.


#1 Build Emotional Bonds
I still remember asking a childcare teacher why the toddler was crying. She replied, "I don't know, she likes to cry". So I shot back, "Do you like to cry? There is always a reason."

What does an infant, a toddler, a primary school kid, a teen, an adult have in common? Emotions. The full range of it. It's just that we have to be taught the words for them, what they mean and how to master them so that they serve us.

The only way to do this is to acknowledge the emotions, connect with it and help them make sense of it. And even the infant can get this - and this is how you bond.

Emotions are ferocious things. Even adults get into tailspins from them. Affairs? Misdemeanour? Road Rage? Yup, those emotions kicked started them all.

An infant who is soothed, rocked, kissed, spoken to gently will not grow up afraid of her emotions. With each growth stage, we can teach vocabulary, coping strategies, communication skills.

You are feeling sad (to a two year old)
Tell me why are you sad (to a five year old)
What do you feel like doing when you feel this sad? (to a teen)
What is sadness really, what does it point to? (to a young adult)

The seat is saved for you, mom//dad!

When our emotions are not acknowledged, we don't connect. Cue the wife who says ruefully, "he never listens, just want to jump to a solution". Or the boss? Yes, we get it. We long for connection, to be understood, not to be fixed.

This is so foundational and so critical as connection creates a safety net.

Emotional connection is developed in myriad ways. There is a reason why the human baby is so helpless compared with all other animals. Your hug, hand-holding, pat on the back, look in the eye, gentle words, everyday things you do for them...tells the child he is not all alone in this vast and scary universe.  It tells him there is a home base he can return to after he has explored, attempted or failed.This is why it is so important not to let the maid (if you have one) do the work of caring for your child. It is easy to see feeding, diaper changing, rocking to sleep, bathing as mere chores. They are not. They are means of communicating love, affection, care, security. They say, "Your needs are valid. You are important enough for me to stop and meet your need. I want you to be clean, safe, satisfied.". They are opportunities to connect.

image from SingaporeMotherhood

Without these, parents can turn into administrators, finance officers and disciplinarians! How many of us feel a happy connection with these?

Parents, you are the real home your child needs.   


I remember that Dove once did an advertisement where they asked moms and maids questions about their young children. There was a huge outcry when the videos revealed that it was the maids who could answer

what is your child's favourite food
who is your child's best friend
what TV program does your child like to watch

I can understand the many reasons mothers go out to work and so forth. But what a sad commentary, and I fear that there may be a greater outcry later when the kids pull away from the parents or when the relationships remain largely functional and shallow.

Without oversimplification, we can see several social trends that may well be related: working women, increased anxiety in children, families characterised by stress, parents who are suing their children for neglect.

We do reap what we do
What goes round, comes round.

Fear is a bad motivator, so I prefer to tell you this: truth, fun, silliness, and authenticity characterise my relationship with my children. We are drawn to each other. There is enough safety for us to talk about our fears and flaws. As much as I pray for them, they know they can and must pray for me. We look forward to family meals and times away together. They still fight to share the bed with me. I have grown in stature and strength, wisdom and wit. I am thriving professionally.

I did not grow up with much of this. We were poor and heart-to-heart conversations were hard when your parent speaks mostly a dialect while you are more conversant in English. But I have a rich bond with my mom, and now a richer one with my children. My mom modeled amazing parenting with her limits, and I have sought to be more for I have been blessed with more.

You can start by making a simple checklist:

Have I -

_ met a physical need my child has personally with a smile
_ said something affirming and kind today
_ sat with my child quietly for a few moments
_ showered physical affection
_ observed my child carefully for her growth needs
_ done something my child enjoys

My parenting years have not been easy, especially with a back injury. There have been many sacrifices. My children were so different, I had to learn two distinct parenting styles. My marriage wasn't always strong. I have  suffered traumatic losses of loved ones. Yes, there are many fronts to battle. Forging on with some clear anchors has made all the difference. And though the entire journey, I am encouraged and enabled to take the next intentional step because there is fruit - every step of the way, and now, there is a maturing of that fruit. I look forward to the days ahead!


Your journey will be different, but the basic ingredients are the same dear fellow parent.


Please share your thoughts, and help me think stronger with any questions you have in the comments.

Watch for the next post on #2: provide a sense of safety and security: are we rich?
To be sure you don't miss it, fill in your email on the right, and the post will be in your Inbox when I post it - the wonders of technology to serve us :)


And by the way, this is how the Bible describes those who turn to God in faith:

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, 

that we should be called children of God! 

~ 1 John 3v1

Re-Opening: but are our souls ready?

I guess we are all trying to find our way and make it out alive.

Missy Fant | Unsplash

We are re-opening.

Here in Singapore, we are doing it in Phases, hoping to avoid a dreaded second-wave of infection.

And we are going about this at surface level. This is the level of "how" - and we are incredibly good at it. There is a rumour that Singaporeans are renowned for our "gunghow". The joke goes that when the Singapore delegation enters an international pow-wow meeting, everyone cheers because now finally things are going to happen.

I love the rumour but also not.

We all know the "how" of things while important can in fact be the enemy of the "why". When things run efficiently, we reach a state of satisfaction that lulls us into thinking all is well. It works, doesn't it?

The "it works" argument is in fact a very weak one. We can make many things work. But to what ends?

Because we did not have the painful conversations in the past, we had a massive crisis recently with the migrant workers. We were not wise or mature enough to dig into the "why", and settled for the "how" by building these large dormitories which on hindsight, were easy to abuse and open to degradation.

A good number of us actually feel ambivalent about the end of our circuit breaker. But I am guessing, we have not had the time to access our deep emotions and convictions about it. 

With everyone so excited about re-opening, and having missed our previous habits, the much needed exercise in asking "why" may once again be the one we tossed in the KIV bin.

But friends, we have just gone through months of:

watching our organised-just-so world unravel, each day bringing new information about a tremendous losses and looming uncertainty

fears, falsehoods and frenzied efforts pile and tumble as we try to explain and expunge disease and death

finding ourselves stuck with the same landscape and experiencing life as ‘zoombies’

Our souls are struggling to breathe as its roots reach for water where the regular streams of religious habits have run dry, its petals curling and drying out as fatigue overcomes us and emotions choke the xylem and phloem of things-once-managed just so.

My body has had to stay home, but my soul reached and strained — for comfort, for truth, for love.

When I read the rare piece of good news, of neighbourliness and a decline in infections, when I could treat myself to world class ballet for free online, when funny memes and so many gratuitous videos put out distracted me, my soul felt consoled.

But swiftly, came the bad news, and too often. The finger-pointing and the fire-fighting at every corner… my soul convulsed.

What have you noticed about your soul?

It is all well and good should we resume our activities and restore our economy.

But surely you admit that the real currency of life is love, and that all our tactics to restore normalcy faces the formidable enemy of division should our souls pull away from each other in fear, suspicion and strife?

So how are our souls re-opening?

This Pandemic revealed for me a privilege I did not enjoy deeply before.

Like most, my work and income was impacted and life changed as we all worked from home. But my family life is largely peaceable even though my Enneagram Four self will always be a little edgy. I have savings and my children do not have expensive consumer habits. I live in a nation where our government can draw down reserves to help us. Finally, I have a contemplative side that makes me able to delight in my living space and not struggle with boredom or cabin fever.

So unlike many, staying home has not at all been a strain for me. The only sign that this isn’t completely normal for me is how my extroverted self behaved in a recent time when I left the house to do an on-site recording, where I talked to every human in sight!

In fact, the re-opening troubles me a little.

This Pandemic Pause has created a unique time in our history to reconsider many things, indeed life itself. I worry that this important work has only barely begun.

It is like when you go on a vacation, and find that it takes some time to leave it all behind, for your body to relax, for your emotions to calm and for your soul to begin to feel free to explore. In fact, many of us don’t know what it means to reach this point of rest and being present, which explains why we return from vacations feeling like we need a break to recover from the break!

Like most every one else, I am not sure where everything is headed.

But I noticed that my soul felt safe, stable and generative in certain moments. Those moments yielded a calm, courage and creativity that I needed to love, pray and work. It gave me a sense of certitude despite the looming reality of uncertainty.

As I recount those times, I realised that my soul sought Solitude, Solace and Solidarity.

Solitude

In modern life, most of us dread being by ourselves. The Pandemic enforced solitude on many of us. But in truth, solitude needs to be chosen. To fail to choose it is to default to what seems a similar state, but is vastly different: aloneness.

Aloneness churns a sense of loneliness and with it, many doubts and fears.

But solitude is a state of desiring and delighting in one’s own company.

It is soul-space. It is where we can become curious about our complex selves. It is where we can challenge our complacent selves. It is where we can comfort our contentious selves.

Solace

What we find out about ourselves don’t always feel positive. What we discover about our journeys don’t always feel productive.

We have this self-sabotaging habit called ‘exceptionalism’, where we believe that no one in the wide world understands or has experienced what we are undergoing.

There is a kernel of truth in this in that we are each truly unique beings. Yet this habit has led many to a degree of isolation that is psychically risky.

The soul needs solace.

To be comforted by another that is Stronger and more stable.

Many during this Pandemic have noticed the needs of the poor and at risk. But most of us have not considered that our very own souls need care too.

Solidarity

Since my late teens, more than two decades ago, I have dreamt of a peace-loving community that would serve society. It was at best a vague notion, and I sounded like an existentially-angst teen seeking utopia.

But this Pandemic has revealed how our systems are overwrought and encumbered, narrow and near-sighted.

With industry halted, the fresh air becomes a metaphor for what our souls want: to breathe well so as to thrive.

There is no way we can reinvent, renew and restore our world unless we find creative and generative ways to collaborate, redesign and work out new ways to produce, consumer, shape and steer.

Family, education, politics, economy, industry, and art — every arena can be re-imagined, if we dare to.

You and I have to find our way and make it out alive.

I recommend your tools include: solitude, solace and solidarity.

See you on the other side.

You are the best parent(s) for your child(ren): #5 Legacy

Mastery.

Without mastery, we are a short step away from madness.

Exaggerated
Excessive
Impulsive
Divisive
Extreme

We turn any way today and we find these are true. From Instagram to news, from the private to the public sphere. Within borders and beyond.

Debt (from weddings to lifestyle)

Family breakage (from our way to my way)

Brexit (complicated, but the unmeasured words are a huge contributing factor)

Bombings (Sri Lanka, New Zealand…)

Assault (bloody chop-up at hawker centre)

Violation (voyeuristic videoing at a tertiary institution)

We love being masters. We long to be. Masters of wealth, the dream relationship, vacation…of the universe (albeit of the screen variety). But we are not meant to be masters. Masters own their success too keenly and often break apart when that goes away... Although we got the idea when we crown those at the pinnacle of their game, masters. But let that teach us it is all about mastery, a posture and a commitment, not a position.

We are meant to develop mastery.

“Let us make man in our image….and let them rule…” ~ Genesis 1v26

To rule, we have to know the rules.

So God gave us minds to inquire, observe, study, make connections.


To rule, we have to reign.

So God gave us abilities, gifts, opportunities to grow in knowledge, discipline, strength, resolve and resilience.


To rule, we have to relate.

So God situated us in an interdependent ecosystem.



This calls for us to develop mastery -

where we own our agency and submit that to a higher vision of a flourishing world.

We need to master our weaknesses -
so that they we don’t give in to sloth, compromise, convenience (plastic is a case in point), blaming.

We need to master our strengths -
so that we don’t detach from others and the larger vision of life, and start using people and commodifying everything.

We need to master our emotions, thoughts, impulses and choices -
by submitting them to a higher Authority so that they are revealed for what they are, and in trading in truth, we walk free.

And what better to illustrate than this entertaining and o-so-true experiment with marshmallows!

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free”

~ Psalm 119v32

This verse has a dialectic to it - where one leads and reinforces the other. Both are bound together: obedience and freedom.

Freedom is not being a master - getting your way. Today, that’s the message sold to us.

Self-care!
Express yourself
Change the laws that limit you
Change anything about yourself

There is no respect for the ecosystem. People can hurt, forests can burn, oceans can be poisoned.

There is no rest as we cast off our boundaries and limits, constantly coveting what others have.

There is no clear result of what we are pursuing as we break the rules and head towards anarchy.



It’s important we return to the mandate given to us in creation, which requires us to develop mastery.

Tragically,

There are grown married men who remain selfish and neglectful of those he’s meant to take care of.

There are mothers who abandon their children for ‘love’ and ‘a better life’. 

There are leaders aplenty who line their pockets and are blind to the suffering of the people who elected them.

And mind you, mastery doesn’t come with big strokes of genius. It is developed through the small stuff.

And here’s where Parenting comes in, and our worst fears too.

Where are the parents who are willing to develop and model and teach mastery because they can

budget, simplify and live by their values - which if you chose to be a parent - means you value life itself (not it’s accessories such as grades, fancy food and costly vacations)

do the hard thing of losing sleep, endless rounds of diaper changing, answering the hundredth “why”, sound like a broken record with “you cannot have that now…”

slow down to help the child grow his bodily, emotional and mental muscles when you know a mess is waiting, a meltdown is coming, a demand and a pout are moments away, all of which we would rather not deal with (have the maid feed and clean, give in, shut them down with your anger).

Heck, I would love to see parents stop using their phones when they are with their little ones! That would be mastery!

Parents, we need to stop worrying about the kids making it the future. They are designed to make it - if they have seen you model mastery and find they can too.


I have a plan (vague I admit) for every stage of my child’s growth. It starts with:

What is a reasonable thing that my child should be able to do at this time?

I believe the first thing was pausing to give thanks before drinking (after the bfeeding routine settled). Then came holding his bottle. Then came listening to instructions, and obeying them promptly (this is still ongoing ya).

Not so much to score your kid, but I found it fascinating as it helps me take note of his growth, give thanks for it and envision what is coming and work with it.

What is more life-giving than to witness growth?

The paradox is parenting is the most tiresome and yet most rewarding thing there is.

The boss may toss your proposal into the bin. Your best output may never be measured or commended even. But children - it’s pretty instant feedback! You get short shifts to stay on your toes, dig into your creative reserves, and draw on every ounce of energy, motivation, prayer and help there is.

Children plug us back in the truths:

Ecosystem

Growth through discipline

Rules exist

--- which lead us down strange paths of freedom.

And remind us that there is a vision called Life, which is Legacy.



Countdown to the 5 things a parent MUST do:

#4 Let Them Grow You

#3 Build Competence

#2 Give Them Safety and Security

#1 Build Emotional Bonds


If you have time, save this link where other aspects of Mastery are talked about: from faith-life to sex.
If your emotions need a bit of help, then save this link: Mastering Emotions ++

How to do the Will of God when your thoughts, feelings and behaviour are all in a jumble

Some days I can almost hear those gears grinding in my mighty teen's head as we talk about life, love, annoyances, boys (often a subset of annoyances), God and so on. Of late, she has become rather fascinated with the notions of personality and human psychology: what makes us do what we do? When you are as old as I rather am, you will forget you walked this road before as a teen - the one marked with so many signage it was plain confusing.

But then we reached some spot where we breathe, feel the wind, come alive, go a-ha!

credit: Michelle Nyat-Teoh

Somewhere in my university days I remember learning about CABs. We all move around in CABs, not the taxi variety but in a mobile unit made of our Cognition, Affections, and Behaviour. If you prefer, we are the ego sum of our Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour (speech and actions, silence and non-action). It was hugely helpful moment when the lights came on for me. However, the psychology prof did not really tell us which of the three came first. So we were largely left to sort the sequence and pieces out and many days as a young woman, that is pretty hard stuff when your mind tells you one thing, your heart another and you may out of cowardice, peer pressure or sheer momentary insanity act yet another way!

But that was years ago. I am glad I remember my clumsy years. It certainly reins in my tendency to run out of patience with the mighty teen and lead me down a more compassionate path. While I still believe that difficulty and hardship are wonderful gifts when one is growing up to develop grit; I also see that her battle is a different one. Grit is still needed from her; but it is called forth in other ways. Figuring out who one is has never been an easy thing to do, rich or poor. Very few embark on it with honesty and courage and so many fall by the wayside and settle for living up to some handed down dream or limit themselves to circumstances.

My hope is that my own journey can be a legacy and a sort of trail for her to learn how to make her own.

According to the famous Myers Briggs temperament analysis, I score higher on Thinking than Feeling, which is to say I process my information more through my brain than my heart. I was happy to hear that having grown up in a spiritual tradition that was distrustful of fickle human emotions and also seeing first-hand the crazy damage to congenial relations when emotions ran feverish and words and bamboo poles were wielded to inflict hurt {that's right, my maternal grandma you do not trigle with}.

So my CAB had a huge large captial 'C' that drove the way forward, or so I thought.

What the psychology prof did not also address is what happens when God gets involved. So let me tell you: He stalls the cab. My thinking hit a limit.

Without the Thoughts to control the other bits; I found my Feelings staging a mutiny and my Behaviour sometimes surprising!

For others I have seen, it has been Good behaviour, Outstanding Performance, Fantastic Feelings that have ruled the day. But sooner or later, they hit a limit. We cannot sustain our self-constructed worlds. God lets some disrepair, disorder, disruption take place. It can lead to pretty depressing states. But it is the only way we are jolted out of our self-life. In the Silence when what used to work doesn't, we find our Selves deconstructed and if we dare, a truer more real self will emerge.

You see, there is one more component the prof didn't talk about because he didn't study it in graduate school: the Imago Dei - made in God's image. You and I, thus created and designed operate not only with Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour; we also have this mysterious bit that still defies location today, called the Will. The Will is the power house of direction and action. We can think and feel and act but until we will something, the power doesn't come through. 

I love him -
can be a thought. O what a lovely thought. But it can remain all but within our brains.
can be a feeling. Such a sweet feeling. But it vaporises quickly enough when a contradictory feeling comes along.
can be an action. Great acts can even arise from this but they need to be sustained...

Thought, Feeling and Behaviour gathers at the gate waiting for the Will to muster them and say -- 

I will love him! 

The question is, will I? Will you? Why yes/no?

So I realised the deeper Q is this: what wills you? Why should the Will awaken and assert over the rest? The answer is that there is A Higher Will that you and I pursue and seek to obey. It is what we say in the prayer Jesus taught

Our Father in HeavenHallowed by Thy NameThy Kingdom ComeThy Will be doneOn earth as it is in Heaven...

I can almost see a valley full of Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour now gather in amazing numbers bearing arms and waving signs that say 'no way!'.  I hear protests of :

do you have any idea what i have gone through, my mind remembers every detail...
my heart is still in so much pain
look, this is just not me, I simply don't do this

I wait out the clamour a bit. I let the self-evident results play out as the Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviour begin to show signs of disunity. The great army disintegrates in smaller camps rife with conflict. The memory is hazy, the feelings are going hither and thither, and the behaviours are deepening in crisis.

I read a Psalm slowly. At first, the three continue with their murmuring... but they quieten down, and when I read this, they snap to attention ~

"Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart,
all you who hope in the LORD." ~ Psalm 31v24

I go back to the start of the Psalm now that they are quiet, and read again:

"In You, O LORD, I put my trust,
let me never be ashamed;
Deliver me in Your righteousness.
Bow down your ear to me,
Deliver me speedily;
Be my rock of refuge,
A fortress of defense to save me...
For you are my strength.
Into your hand I commit my spirit;
You have redeemed me, o LORD God of truth...
You have considered my trouble;
you have known my soul in adversities...
My times are in Your hand..." ~ Psalm 31v1-5 (NKJV)

As The Thoughts back down from their haughty place, as the Feelings are soothed with a salve that reaches deep, and as my Behaviour stops flaunting its self-righteous label, my Will arises afresh and commands them to move in concert to the baton held by the One who knows best. I am ready to act in love.

Orlando shooting: time to take care of our hearts

Maybe it's because our eyes are right there in front of our heads, oriented outwards. We tend to look away from ourselves and seek answers from out there:

If only my parents did/didn't...
What to do? I came from this school...
Somehow my friends...
Where's the perfect one...

This is confession right here. It's my problem too.

Of course, there are things to grow, improve, even fix - out there. But whether it does or does not; whether it goes in the direction that will truly lead to more grace, joy, freedom and peace; it depends on what is going on right within our hearts.

There's been another shooting. Everyone is looking outwards: did he have links to terrorist groups? Was he radicalized? Some say he was really disturbed when he witnessed two gays kissing. Mateen the shooter, himself, looked outwards: this is a horrid club and the people (perhaps representing a whole swathe of their ilk) needs to die. Things will be different if I acted on the circumstances out there.

We will act out what's really in our hearts. We will communicate what we truly think - maybe not in the words; but in the tone, perhaps in the words withheld or in our body language.

For -

The mess of the world is the mess in our hearts.

The mess in our homes is the mess in our hearts.

The mess in our minds is the mess in our hearts.

How easy it is to denounce structural injustice, institutionalized violence, social sin! And it is true, this sin is everywhere, but where are the roots of this social sin? In the heart of every human being. Present-day society is a sort of anonymous world in which no one is willing to admit guilt, and everyone is responsible. We are all sinners, and we have all contributed to this massive crime and violence in our country. Salvation begins with the human person, with human dignity, with saving every person from sin. ~ Oscar Romero

Our hearts: that space and place where our longings, dreams, fears, dreads, memories and motivations, rationale and reasoning dwell..... the nub of who we are; that is forming, deforming.. and which dictates our performing.

Scientists cannot locate this 'heart'. Is it the same as the mind? Is it somewhere in the spaces between the folds in our brain? Is it but the electrical impulses that fire between the nerves and the chemical washes that are triggered by tiny glands? Science can observe the operations, but not nail the origins. Even identical twin studies must concede that there is some organisation that needs to account for the differences they find when two persons who share nearly exactly similar genetic material simply do not respond in the same ways to the same stimuli.

Recently I read that the Dalai Lama, recognizing the complexity of human emotions has commissioned a project to create a guide that helps people be more in touch with their true emotional state: The Atlas of Emotions.


So often, we can be strangers to ourselves; to our hearts.


The heart is a difficult place to get to. But if all your traveling in the world doesn't lead you there, you haven't traversed the most important space there is: your own heart.

And what havoc we wreak on ourselves and each other.


Just recently I was talking with a divorcee. As her discomfort abated, the words began tumbling out. So many aspects are involved in a decision like this. I considered how she must have grappled with her initial choice to marry the person, all the many pressures she experienced as things started to fall apart, the sense of guilt and anger, the road ahead with a child....yet most of these she talked about rather in passing. I was quite taken aback that she found comfort in finding an affordable lawyer; and that lawyer had waved her arm across the shelves behind her to reveal the number of cases she had handled; as if it normalised everything. Her heart is hushed into silence - for the thing to do is to press on and get the papers signed.


All the debris of unsettled hearts.



We see the muscle. We feel it continually beating out this rhythm; and we just expect it to. But stress can cause an arrhythmia; that skip of a beat. Otherwise, we just keep going, fueled by some Red Bull -ish potion we have found; the high that makes us forget, laugh, forge on.

If you are I are serious about peace within ourselves and in our world, then we must pay attention to this invitation by Jesus ~

"Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” ~ Matthew 11v28, The Message, bold mine.

To live -

freely
lightly
rested
unforced
rhythmic
Grace-full

begins with getting up, away, and going to Him:

come, 

get away, 

listen, 

watch, 

walk, 

learn, 

keep company.

As with all explorations and discovery, we need both a base camp and trajectory to start out on. The base camp is our present life with all of its circumstances. Jesus does not call us to jettison it all. He never did live with ideal circumstances.

The exploration is to create a way to go to Him, find a way to get away in order to listen, to find a new focus for our eyes and our hearts. It is it listen to his take on things. It is to imagine his approach, his words, his choices. We unlearn to learn. We find it too hard and impossible. We are too ashamed of our complicity with darkness, our readiness to satisfy our egos.

We keep company with Jesus because all our sins and griefs cannot drain His forgiveness and goodness. 
We keep company with Jesus because our best hopes and loftiest ideals will be affirmed.
We keep company with Jesus because we become like the company we keep.

You come away from some encounters deeply nourished - and that's always a slow meal - not a buffet spread where you are tempted to grasp and pile it up. 

Keep company with Jesus, and those who draw you to him. Take care of your heart, and your heart will take care of all that truly matters to you.

"This is the cause why we be not all in ease of heart and soul: 

that we seek here rest in those things that are so little, wherein is no rest, 

and know not our God that is All-mighty, All-wise, All-good. 

For He is the Very Rest."

~ Julian of Norwich

Do you really want to live the way you do? A small shift can be seismic.

Rare is the person who is fully contented, at peace with every tiny bit of life's details, and enjoying every relationship. 

Not rare, impossible.

A life is a very full and complicated thing. On our own, we have to relate to our body, wrestle with our emotions, figure our thoughts and make countless decisions big and small. With others, we have to negotiate relationships, learn protocols and expectations, improve communication, enforce boundaries. Then there is God. That's just huge. While it's certainly true that our relationship with God trumps and shapes all other relationships, we are mired in a compulsive avoidance of God, preferring the safety of religious motions to true encounter.

Now plonk this person in a busy, fast-paced city like Singapore with a spirit of FOMO (fear of missing out), most of us are running on a nervous energy that makes it hard to slow, still and savour.

Just describe to me what your last meal tasted like. It's hard for most of us (unless it was burnt or Michelin-star perhaps). 

I once asked a class of students the colour of the wall right outside their room. They couldn't tell me. It was a startling orange hue of red! 

We see, notice, feel and taste astonishing little with our pace and our lack of inner space.

So my three weeks away in Minnesota gave me a blessed reprieve from busy city-living with all its clamorous noises and demands. {more pictures here: scenes from Minnesota}

When I return, as we all do from some trip, you get those who will say with a wry smile, "welcome back to reality".  I really dislike that phrase because it feels like escapism. A retreat, a vacation or a study break should not be escapism. They are meant to be a break from the routine so that we can come back stronger. To simply long for a different life is escapism. To intentionally shape one's life however, is not.

Yes, life in Minnesota was a sweet, different reality, one that suited me especially as I began my writing project on silence. But my life is here in the city, in Singapore, with a busy schedule, growing children, a marriage that needs patience and work, words that need to be thought and written, dreams that need to be deciphered.

I am deeply grateful for a different reality for three weeks.  But whether Minnesota or Singapore, the place I inhabit is my body and soul. This is why two people can go to a same place and describe their experience of it in vastly different ways. The two will notice, enjoy and find meaning or not, depending on the state of their body and soul, the latter being the more important force.

Minnesota refreshed me deeply because the ease with which I adapted to the long, empty hours, affirmed that my body and soul were not attached to, or addicted to plenty of do-ing, being busy and appearing successful. This adaptability I put down to several reasons. One is the long years of learning to live simply.

Simplicity is a powerful gale force that strips us down to the essentials.

Simplifying makes us answer the deep questions of life:

What do i really need?
Where do I see value?
How much am I willing to pay (in money, time, effort) for this?

In our land of glaring consumerism, and with 24/7 wifi, it is too easy to become distracted and fill up my attention, time and energy with 'one more useful/handy/beautiful thing'. We actually should speak up as citizens that our spaces are overwhelming crowded with shops and pushcarts plying more or less the same wares. It is an assault to our senses and an insult to our sensibilities. We are far more than working machines and insatiable consumers.

It isn't just material things either. We are so fed with perfect images and sound bytes that it is easy to expect our emotions to be positive, push our bodies to be breathtaking and work that bit longer.

If your body is constantly tired and your soul feels breathless, then it is time to make a shift somewhere. It is time to simplify. 

Speaking of simplifying, consider its reverse. The Americans are pretty fanatical about tool-man-ship. They need to have the right tools for every task. Garlic peeler? Four kinds of staplers? Sixty ways for mobility? A different scissor for kitchen, kid, teen and adult (ok I exaggerate perhaps). My sister-in-law, now an American concurs, and so does my American friend I pointed this out to. I love it that in Asia, we have this ingenuity of using a knife to cut, smash, pry, poke, peel. Hey, it works. Simplify.

Let's give ourselves to things that are deeper and more enduring. 

We need more time to care for our bodies in a way that is not fussing over the latest supplement or treatment.

We need more space to care for our soul that is not wondering if we should be running off to another seminar or study.

Jesus: consider the lilies...

the daily squirrel

my spartan office

Simplifying is a small step with seismic effects.

When we can walk slower and notice the environment and really look at faces.
When we can taste our food and marvel at the miracle that is cooking, eating and growing.
When we can take deep breaths and pause at intervals through the day because we are not over-worrying about all the details.
When we can feel good and smile that the blouse has now become like second skin.
When we can experience that we actually finish a conversation {yes, this!}.
When we no longer need to spend so much time cleaning, packing, hunting for items in our bags, cupboards and storerooms.

When you need less, you release more of yourself and your resources.

This means more:

money

attention

energy

possibilities

awareness

There are two sides to this journey to living a different life. As we simplify, we release more resources. We can then use these resources in a different way.

What is something you can do less of or something you can stop needing?

establish a boundary

One of the things I really want for my family is great communication and laughter. This takes time. It also means a certain state of being (which isn't easy with a boy who grumbles about school and a teen who needs a lot of time on her smartphone). 

How do we cough up the time, and set the tone? Clearly, someone has to take point here. In any setting, a leader is required. Leadership after all, is about getting people from Point A to Point B, with them happily moving along as if the ideas was theirs! 

So I lead the way. By simplifying my own life, I free resources to dream and scheme about this aspect of our family life. The most natural spaces and times for great communication and laughter I find are meals and bedtime. I simplify those times by focusing less on the eating and more on the conversations. I don't always get it right (which mom doesn't fuss over getting everyone to eat right?). We don't always succeed. But small bit by small bit, experiences become habits that turn around to shape the sense of meaning and to build memories.

What is something you long for at home? How can simplifying enable you to build towards it?

Please share below in the comments!

Related reads:
Travel notes from a trip to the NZ
Yearning for true home

If you need ideas to keep you on track to simplifying: Becoming Minimalist