You are the best parents for your child(ren): this thing about Legacy...

She turned 18 yesterday.

She says, "it's just another day".
The law says, "Now young lady, you may purchase alcoholic beverages and smoke and drive".
Her friends say, "time for a surprise, cards, gifts!"

Her parents, yes me and the dh, are predicatably busy and we took her to lunch with some friends who are staying with us. She shared a main course with me, didn't even need some special birthday dish of her own.



This morning, she let me read a couple of sweet cards her friends wrote her. Not to be outdone, I wrote her one, declaring it Da Best Card eva!

Someone wisely said:

we are not leaving a legacy for, we are leaving a legacy in our children.

To leave a legacy for amounts to storing up treasure to hand down. But a legacy you leave in someone, is a part of them, forever. I choose the latter (not to mention the former is a bit paltry).

Honestly, turning 18 must be a big deal. But we are tired from a busy month of work and had guests in the house. She has been studying hard for her upcoming exams...and told us not to go to any expense (see comment above).

I was feeling a tad guilty, wondering if I should have done more. I will ask her again if there is more we can do. For now, I turn to gratitude (far better than guilt friends!).

Then I realised something, as my memory kicks in.

Her birthday is for me (it sounds horribly selfish until you read on please).

The last few months, there have been very significant conversations and happenings. Even as I write this, God is giving me a birthday special for the last 18 years by showing me glimpses of who my daughter is becoming and what I have sown into her life all these years. I'll just share a few:


Simplicity
Last month when I was cleaning out some stuff, I took out a large box where I had kept items from their earliest days: first shoe, first dress from grandma, a favourite book... The daughter took one look and said, "Mom, give them away!".  When she was 13, I thought to take her shopping for clothes, coz most of the growing years we lived on hand-me-downs and purchases by me. After two hours of milling around, we bought two tee-shirts from Giordano and decided that talking over ice-cream was more fun.


Spiritual hunger
More than once, she comes to me with tears, wondering why God feels distant and is silent. I want to bang on God's door to demand passage for her. But he knows the journey she must take. It's a journey that began with spiritual sensitivity even at a tender age. She responded to an altar call at age three, writing to ask for the Holy Spirit. She had prophetic dreams. Then her conscience and her brains took centre-stage as she debated the merits of the faith. Yes this one who asked questions since age seven:

"Isn't it God's fault for putting the tree there in the first place?"
"How can anyone be good enough for heaven?"
"What if it's a hoax?"

We discussed, debated and opened up books and our own lives to her.

I opted for her to do a study program that is broader and she went to a Catholic school. More questions!


Sensitivity
Thankfully she does not seem to have my melancholy, but she is very sensitive to the moods, atmosphere, needs and vibes of people and situations. She is the in-house psychologist who makes us take online personality tests so we can put each other in boxes, reminds her parents to go on dates, and worries her little head off about her kid brother who is totally unlike her, and seriously beyond her depth as a result.


She is also many things I am not and I am amazed.

Tactical
Persistent
Strong-willed
Winsome
Artistic
Athletic

She can clean better than me, take incredible photos, knit and soothe fussing children.

Ok, I still cook better.

When she was still a toddler, God told me he had entrusted an all-rounder to me, and I wondered how I would raise someone like that, my own strengths being quite limited. Quickly, I learnt that parenting is an enterprise best embarked on with God at the helm. At every turn, he assured, assisted and amazed me with His wisdom, gifts and goodness.

We had difficult times.
I made countless mistakes.
Patience wore thin on occasions.

God parented me while I parented her, for sure.

With this birthday reflection piece, I am humbled at how God grew me as a person through my parenting journey.

God also parented her, and in fact He is moving centre-stage as the perfect Parent she needs.

Yes, when reminiscing, it is true we will have a positive bias. It's not a bad thing if it inclines us to gratitude and puts hope in our hearts!

18. Having struggled and surmounted not a few mountains, it feels goo to be able to say that I have grown up with the kids. Now it's time to grow wide and older with them. (O wait, I still have a 12 year-old who is currently playing Minecraft. Tune in for his story!).


Your turn:

What glimpses of God are you getting through your parenting?Where do you see yourself in your children?How can you intentionally impart a legacy that will honour God and serve them well for the world they are to steward?

You can read more about my journey with her here:

The power of planning
It's a wild ride, enjoy it!
Media addictions
the war you must win!
How to bless your children

For all my posts of parenting, type 'parenting' in the search box on the right!

You are the best parents for your child(ren): what if our children are "maid in Singapore" products, & the future of Singapore.

Which came first? The child or the maid?

I am teasing (although I know there is serious planning that goes into this sequence, and for good reason) but this is a serious subject about our economy, our reflexes and our future.

The rhetoric in our bones: We cannot afford to lag behind, lose, get lost in a rapidly changing world. This sounds logical enough and frightening enough to keep us all marching to its beat. Our wondrous progress and all-around affluence attest to it, and we are loathe to 'downgrade', naturally.

We all get used to things, to our lifestyles; and our expectations and sense of entitlement keep us strapped to the treadmill.

I did not have live-in help at first. Then I did. Now I have part-time help. So I have experienced the range.

All the issues relating to finding, training and living with a stranger won't be the subject here. But two stories will suffice to make a point:

With my firstborn, our world revolved fairly between us and the people who came and went: grandparents, friends, neighbours, people needing a listening ear or help. I had every incentive to train her towards independence and ownership fast! I abide by the rule: if she can take it out, she can put it back. Packing, cleaning, and arranging were often done together, and turned into a game. By age five, she washed her own pair of white shoes that she wore to kindergarten each weekend. When we moved to a larger flat, she was in charge of the back toilet. I would hand her a scrub, a rag and a small amount of soap detergent. Her toilet was consistently cleaner than mine. She did not fuss, she did not whine, she did not protest and cry it was unfair.

I embraced the ordinary that needed to be done each day, the repetitive that makes a life and a home possible. Bed making, meal preparation, bedtime routines, prayer, conversations about everything. This is a quiet and insistent way of saying that life is a gift, God has blessed us, and we are able to build a life that is purposeful and joyful.

To be fair, my mother came by once a week and her presence and cooking abilities made a huge difference. The inter-generational teamwork, mutual delight, and sharing in the fruit of her labours brought a special warmth, even if that having another person also means more attention and relationship dynamics to negotiate.

We waited five long years for the next child. A beloved church community bade us welcome and I took on an official portfolio. We loved the community and the work was exciting, until it hit a very serious snag. That was when I conceived my son.

As my back has been weak due to an accident, my mother solemnly insisted that I hire a maid. This meant that my son now grew up in a completely different way. It also meant an end practically to all the usual chores my daughter did.

Between sorting out my work, re-learning parenting, being an employer for the first time, preparing my girl for school, I shifted from visionary mode to survival mode.

I tried to stick to my rule that if "they can toddle, they can clear"... but it was hard to enforce. I was more tired than before, and it was enough to default to getting the maid to do it. Both my children were fussy eaters, and my son also did not have my attention the way my girl did. We were so busy we did not realise he was becoming underweight until he was hospitalised and the doctor wanted to tube feed him!

What is truly instructive is this undeniable reality: we truly shape the lives of our children. 

The question is, what are they the products of?
Our busyness, our ambition, our lack of harmony, our relinquishment to maids?


As our ministers argue for a new narrative for Singapore, I want to ask this Q:

How successful are we: in terms of families staying together, mental health, meaningful employment, and social cohesion?

I also want to say this, having lived for half a century:

Life is about -

wear
wash
rinse
repeat

.... habits, repetitions and mundane stuff, far more than excitement. If we do not embrace and embody a vivre de joie regarding our daily lives, what are we left with really? A begrudging, dragging of feet, the whine that invariably escape from our pores and lips (sounds like so many of our children!)?

I suspect God gave us children precisely to yank us back to this reality. We get so carried away with our illusory sense of importance with our board meetings, coffee meet-up, start-up hungers, exotic vacations, exquisite dining experiences... that we keep needing more kick and fix to float our boats.

Babies hold us hostage with their ongoing needs and demands for security, love, comfort and an endless need to pay attention, adapt and solve problems. It is the bondage that fosters the bond of love. The strong parent-child relationships we see are all outcomes of parents who refuse to delegate these small things away, thinking they are insignificant.

My dh once remarked that he felt eminently jealous about why the kids gravitate to me so much. I wondered about it for a while, and then said matter-of-factly, "I have been their entire world. I am the face they see when they awake, the voice they hear, the touch they feel, the understanding they experience, the music, laughter, order... I feed them, clean their bottoms, read, pray, play with them... Do I need to go on?". He was suitably awakened, and a few years later tried to take my 'job' from me (but that's another story)!

Life is held up by repeat motions. Just try not showing up for work at the appointed time, messing with your meal times, refusing to talk with your friend or spouse.

That's why this Navy Seal Admiral actually said something totally brilliant when he exhorted the graduating cohort of Austin that if they want to change the world, they are to begin by making their beds!

Make your bed! (6min with subtitles)

Admiral McRaven: make your bed!

For families to stay together, we need to put up with each other. That takes forgiveness and it takes grit.
For us to be mentally robust, we need to grounded with a positive outlook daily. That takes joy and it takes grit.
For us to have meaningful employment, we need to be courageous to drop our labels and celebrate the diversity. That takes security and it takes grit.
For great social cohesion, we need to be unafraid of our differences and be willing to make sacrifices. That takes patience and it takes grit.

Grit, is about bed-making. Going at it, again and again.

As a teen, I once had such an acedic season I refused to make my bed and even lost interest in food (naturally, paying attention in class went first). It all felt pretty pointless to me. "Why make the bed if I am going to sleep in it again?" My questioning was cut short when my mom scolded me good and proper.! But also, I began to realise that a made bed is so much better to return to and rest in. twenty years later, my own teen would pose this question to me: mom, why bother? Thankfully I could answer with conviction.

Grit is taught and caught and if our children sees it in the maids and not the parents, we have lost something very profound.

Hands by Leong Kah Wai

A closely related value that we have to watch is Consumer Mentality.

This acts in direct opposition to all that we cherish: love, close and lasting relationships. meaningful work and social cohesion.

The world shifted on its axis when economics moved centre-stage and big corporations and advertising became the norm. There are so many repercussions from this, the most insidious one is a shift where we see ourselves mainly as consumers.

Here is a test for whether you do:

1. When you look at a situation, is your go-to mode of evaluation 'cost-benefit'?
2. Do you feel an emotional need to buy stuff?
3. Are you tempted to complain about service?
4. Is your response to "What a nice..",  typically, "It's only X dollars!"
5. Do thoughts of baling out of your relationships feature in your brain regularly?

Consumers are driven by the best price, being noticed for what we own or experience, expecting to be served, a sense of entitlement, a preference for a newer, faster model.

It is a very self-centred way to live.

People become evaluated based on whether they are thus useful to us or not. The scary implications and extensions of this are many indeed, especially as we begin to see each other as 'products' to be deployed, used, or discarded (for better models).

Emotionally, we feel empty
Relationally, we feel dissatisfied.
Physically, we feel drained.
Spiritually, we feel bedraggled.

We cannot have a different Singapore story, a different family life, and a different state of emotions, even if refuse to courageously ask some hard questions and seek some answers.

Come, let's think, pray and work at this together.

Please share how you 'make your bed' each day with your children over at: Simple Tips Community  and how you defy the pull to reduce you to a mere consumer over at: Truth, Beauty & Love.


And here are words of truth that will settle your soul:

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers

—most of which are never even seen—

don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? 

What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, 

so you can respond to God’s giving. 

People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, 

but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in 

God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. 

Don’t worry about missing out. 

You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, 

and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. 

God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

~ Jesus, as recorded in Matthew 6 v30-34

Anais Nin

A Prayer to My Saviour, Gd Friday 2018

We blew out the final candle

and the little boy sobbed
he felt the dark, darkness


we read how You
betrayed
accused
flogged
nailed
suffered
and love

even a stone would cry out

when i rise
from that solemn moment
in the dark
waiting for Resurrection Light

the lights flicked on
energy we create
so we can burn on when
the sun has called it a day

I soon forget
I soon forget

Gathering my crumbs of
desire,
Picking up the strands of
plans,
Setting forth the hours of
labour

As if -
they aren't tainted by sin
everyday
every moment telling me
that I need, and have a Saviour

and I am busy saving
time, effort, money, lives even

unaware
how much I need saving
from my own ideas of good
from my fright-flight mode
that yo-yo of existence

Jesus dear

How did you live those last days
knowing what you did

the disappointment when your chums would fail to pick up your pain and slept instead
the betrayal by one you till the last called a friend
the opacity of rulers
the pain of your mother

You taught the milling crowds -
Cast your eyes to the end: earthquake, persecution, terror
Once more, you beg them to sober up to their trajectory


You showed them - the master's friends
A towel and a basin are the weapons of revolution

You told them
What is coming
So eat, drink, it's my final meal

As you did this
the nard-fragrances lingers
that death-whiff no one inhales deep to shift sensibilities


Jesus dear
Dear to me
I have too
disappointed
betrayed
been opaque

So this morning
You asked me to draw near
Exhale my sin
in confession
Request Spirit-eyes to see

then Inhale
your fragrance
as you wash me clean
and hand me a towel

Dear Jesus
Save me once more.

Soul Shudders: is it growing older or something else?

No one ever told me that as you grow older, things can get so much more complicated, and harder.

Yvette DePaepe, Autumn Weather Mood

As a youth, all the adults looked to me like they got it together. Or if they did not, my youthful invincibility told me I won't turn out like them.

My marriage will burst with love
My career will be brilliant
My children will bust the limits

We may not ever say it to another soul, but we sure hope for it.

Sol Marrades, Autumn Sunday

It's easy for adults to hide from our dreams as they shatter one by one. We amuse and distract ourselves with entertainment of pretty food, the thrill of bargain or the pleasure of the vacay-escape.

It's easy for adults to be too busy to check in with our souls where the dreams began as smaller lights to point to The Light. So we feel this persistent shadow over us and we cannot be sure of our own shape and purpose.

It is easy for adults to scoff at the naivete, saying we have things to do, datelines to meet, and some times we avoid the younger uns because they remind us too much of it all, contributing to the 'generation gap'.

Sure, there are those folks who are lucky, crazy, out-there enough to pursue what they want, and some of them do it in ways that leave us perplexed. They quit and travel. They bid adieu to their marriages. They botox their faces and contribute to a billion dollar industry of denial.

My marriage is not bursting with love. We keep getting our signals confused and cannot decide if we want to do this Valentine's Day thing. My career, if there is even one, is undefined. My conviction led me to choose raising family first and now seventeen years later, I understand what re-entry feels like: awful, even though I managed to write a snazzy LinkedIn profile.  The children? That's a book-worthy story all its own.

I was so excited to be twenty.
Turning thirty felt powerful.
Forty was great too with a sense of convergence.
But fifty-ish.

The trajectory of the life of faith, I like to teach, is upward, with smaller dips throughout. I still believe that is true because God is just ahead, and beside and within me. But the 'feels' don't agree.

I tire more easily.
No thanks to menopause, the little hormones are enjoying their display of disproportionate influence.
My soul seems more sensitive to emotional temperature changes. In other words, I find myself a little more volatile, which I don't like.

Physical stamina and well-being can be strengthened, and that is the plan with my exercise and diet.
Menopause has to be accepted and everyone duly warned. Taking more soy also seems to help.

But - what's up soul?

You are supposed to be huge and strong. Look at all the good food you have been fed. You have weathered much. You are taken care of. So, why these shudders? Surely you are not afraid?

I now see that growing older makes one both stronger and weaker.

We grow stronger because we have braved the inevitable storms of life, and if we have processed them well, we have grown muscles of grace and truth.

The obvious weakness is physical. But because we are an integrated being, sometimes that weakness, including for women, emotional weakness from hormonal circus-play, can wire into our souls.It's not as easy to hold steady at the helm. The weakness is more apparent than the strength when getting out of bed is a small feat with those noisy joints.

The conclusion we arrive at mostly is to pare down, step back, do less.

Perhaps not.

If we are not careful, this could lead to a huge waste of all of our hard-won battles.

Street wisdom says work hard, then enjoy. Even the Christian buys into this. We look forward to a life of retirement and ease. Blessed are those with the means to stay healthy, travel and serve at leisure is the attitude.

Entire battalions of capable warriors and even generals are lost. We don't want to appear as old fools who are still hamming on about dreams of a better way. We don't want to helm anything because it's time to relax and let the younger ones have a go.

I want to issue a call to my soul and yours (especially if it is also a fifty-ish one) to step out into the Light. Be Unafraid. Brace yourself. Believe in those dreams.

Sol Marrades, Spring Moon

Not to be the twenty-something you once were.
But the fifty-something you now are. 

You see, there is a reason why our dreams did not happen that we have to muster the courage to face: we went about it all wrong.

Before you argue or retreat in dread, listen to this too: we will get it wrong. In our youthful zeal, with our baggage from our families of origins, in our performance-oriented culture, we think dreams are baked in an oven: get the formula, follow it to a tee, knead it and bake it and mark it with a D for done.

Our dreams, worth dreaming, are way beyond us. They are longings that point us to a vast hinterland we have not visited, a way of living we are not familiar with, a Kingdom, a Narnia.

Niklas Gustafsson, Duality

This is what it means to step out into the Light. Get out from that stuffy *wardrobe filled with old stuff and breathe an air so crisp it thrills the senses. Get down on your knees and ask forgiveness for messing up and get up to dream and reign.

Where to dream and reign you may ask?

Adam and Eve had their garden of Eden (ok they botched it).
You and I have our own gardens to tend to. Our homes, our jobs, our ministry are the contexts for dreams.

God never told A&E (sounds about right, haha) to do a job to prove they have what it takes and then He will come check in on their performance later. No, God walked with them in the cool of the day. How cool! You and I can look to God to talk with us, hear our cries, bear the sorrows of our losses and longings. Our every step is the shaping of dreams. The shattered pieces become mosaic that is the potential of a new design and pattern emerging.

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;

    you make my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

    surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

    even at night my heart instructs me. ~ Psalm 16

I remind my shuddering soul. Yes, you feel the weakness. But don't forget the strength. Strength that comes from faith muscles used in repeat interval training. But more than that, as these words of the Psalm tell us:

The substance of the soul is a Person. It is not ideas, experiences, spiritual gifts. It is the encounter, the experience, and the intimacy of The LORD that defines us as Christians. God provides, maintains and sustains our identity and is our security.

It is a relationship that is lived out in our earthly, daily, often ho-hum existence where we find "lines". the limits and liabilities of our lives, our choices and our decisions. I admit that growing older, I have fought harder against those lines. But when I pull back and accept that they are the boundaries that both keep me in and keep stuff out, and that God wants to enjoy my little puny life in this small space, I have to say it is a delightful inheritance. Amazing Marvel of Marvels that God would find it cool to be part of my shuddering existence!


I have been pulling out all my dreams and talking them over with God. I am waiting for fresh eyes to see because I know that in my dreaming and working all crazy hard, I have many times worked myself and others into a tight space and not a garden.

I am talking with God about dreams that seem to be taking on new forms as I remember that God is the Dream Giver and the One that fulfills them.

I am making notes of dreams being resurrected and I have no idea how to proceed.

You may find yourself growing weaker.
Maybe your are grieving some dreams that now seem impossible.
Or things are so 'abnormal' you don't even think you are entitled to dream.

Step out into the Light. Lay hold of the Substance of your soul. Join me, let's grow stronger from the soul out, to dream and reign like we were meant to.



*from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

Why letting go is so hard, and what your soul needs in 2018

It's hard to let go. Even with events that we anticipate and desire, we can struggle too with the changes as they happen:

Child starting school
Daughter seeing someone
A new job assignment, even location
An emptying nest
Getting married

No matter what we envision it to be and how detailed we are in our preparations, there are often still surprises. Some of these good things come with a sense of loss. Sometimes, they turn out quite differently from what we expected (cue 'happily ever after' music).

We are creatures that plan, work and build, and we are told to succeed. This makes it really hard to let go.

It's even harder to let go and move on when new experiences and scenarios occur, sometimes suddenly and it feels random:

Retrenchment
Finding out that someone has betrayed you
Being attacked online
Sudden loss of a loved one

We are thrust into a situation we neither desire, plan or welcome. It is hard to let go of the security, safety and familiarity when we suddenly have to grapple with this new development. We will long for things to be as before, fight the changes, go through denials, and even find ourselves in a valley with depressive moods lingering nearby to overtake us. We want answers, justice, a 'darn good reason' for why this is happening to me at this time.

I am particularly concerned for the young lady who went to the US on a family trip and will now have to travel home all alone as the rest all perished in a tragic accident on the highway. Her entire world has fallen apart. So much loss. (Do pause and lift a prayer for her).

It's now the second day of a new year.

If you are feeling afraid, unprepared, or nervous, your soul is crying out for attention. You are unable to let 2017 go.

The soul is a shy and vulnerable part of us that needs security and protection in order to flourish and so energize us. 

On the last day of 2017, I set down with my journal and three questions emerged:

What do I care most about?
How am I doing?
Where am I headed?

My soul seems nervous and in need of some answers. 2017 had been a frenzied year that needed a frame and a sense of closure if I were to be able to let it go and welcome the new year.

I know full well that I cannot fool my soul or myself with a pick-me-up line, "it's all fine". I needed to listen to my soul and take care of it. An unsettled and restless soul translates into a tense body, a defensive mindset and a lack of reciprocity with God. It's hard to receive and to bless when the soul is clenched.

Sometimes, we get tired that the soul seems to be asking us the same stuff. This reminds me of how God asked Adam and later his son Cain, "what's up?". Surely God knows. But the question is not to seek information, it is to offer transformation.

Transformation happens when we brave it and dive down deeper and not stay at the surface. It involves making the right connections, observing our emotional state, and rehearsing the truth we embrace.

The right connections
The easiest and quickest connection is superficial. The first man looked at his situation and blamed the only other person around. That was not the right connection. He needed to look within and admit that he lacked the conviction, faith and muscle to stand on God's word and choose obedience.

He needed repentance, not a rebuttal. But alas he chose the latter.

We are more prone to sin, blame and dodging than we admit. If we will not see this clearly for what it is, we can at best improve our behaviour, and that may fall apart when times get really hard.

What do you need to own up to?

Our emotional state
Feeling a lot and feeling just a little are both emotional states that are indicators of what is going on deeper within. Sometimes, feeling a little can really be a way to self-protect from the fear of disappointment and failure. It takes courage to admit that we want some thing really badly.

If Adam had gone to God and said that he really wants to try that fruit, and then, yields that desire to God, he story will be totally different. After all, desires are a part of the way God made us. Unlike Buddhism that teaches that desires are illusory, Christianity charges us to lay hold of our desires, cleanse them of the bits that are merely self-serving and turn them into ways that love and serve others.

What are the top 1-2 desires that are always floating around in your heart?

Rehearse the truth
The soul can distinguish between the truth and a pep talk. As I sat and reviewed my journal, my soul was informed of the events I had journeyed through and the emotions and convictions I had formed along the way. My mind had forgotten so much of it (thank God for the journal!), but the soul was smiling along as I read.

I anchored on some Scripture I had recorded in my journal and read them slowly again. A deep satisfaction and peace came over me. The questions I began with did not feel as urgent anymore. I had answers to them, although not in the form of a plan or a strategy.

That's when I realized afresh what my soul was doing. The questions it posed set me in the right direction and primed me to reflect in a particular way.

In the end, I was not asked to prove or establish that my achievements or my foresight. Rather, I needed to remember that my journey, though filled with surprises and at times pain, is a meaningful one and the purpose of God for me is ripening in my long obedience. Above all, the soul wants me to be secure and brave in knowing that I do not walk by myself, ever.


On the final few days of 2017, I cleaned out my desk and set up a new calendar. That's the desk. Real life however is much more a continuation. But we can continue in our fear, restlessness, resentment or weariness, or we can pay attention to our soul and continue stronger and clearer.

Take time to listen to your soul, make the right connections, find your emotions more rested and anchor your mind on truths you know.


Related reads:
From 'other' to 'another', spotting God's wide mercies
Don't lose your 'ask-ability' and don't lose sight of God
The power of a soul's shape
A small soul shift can be seismic

My 2017 best-thoughts about life, parenting, church...

It's Monsoon season in the tropics, with plenty of rainfall. This means a pretty low season for getting out to the beach. So we headed did that for two reasons. One, it's always more restful to avoid the crowds, and secondly, the son had written in his list of post-exam delights, a visit to a beach. I know Singapore is an island, but our beaches aren't very pleasant. The sand is coarse, it's really humid, and when you look at the horizon, all you see are cargo ships which isn't a pretty sight. So, we drove the nearly two hours towards the East Coast of Malaysia to Desaru and checked ourselves into a space that was (I found out later) recently renovated. God mercifully gave us a good bit of sunshine and held the rain back so we could be at the beach. The kids read on swings hung from large tree branches or on the deck chairs.

But after a while, we simply could not resist the call of the wind and the waves. We aren't exactly sun and surf beings, but the waves' insistent pounding on the beach with its roar, beckoned us to venture towards the bit of South China Sea right at our feet.

First, we gingerly walked around the edges where the water reached the shore. Then we jumped into the waves. Then we sat on the beach and waited for the waves to come and crash us over! A slow submission to the forces of created order.

O my, what fun!

Will it be a large, strong wave that will knock us over?
How far out should we try to walk out?
Is it a good idea to perch on this rock and wait to be awashed with sea water?

There is something thrilling about being in nature and having a sport with it. Some of the most luminous pictures and writing have come to us from men and women who did not see nature as resource or entertainment, but as a world to enter in, investigate, relish and respond to.

There was something primal, basic, and simple to our joy at wave-play.

Now as I am contemplating my year soon ending, the year ahead and what to write, the memory of the waves returns to me and I smile.


This image though is of a gentler wave.

The kind that grows with the wind and momentum and then slows as it approaches shore, landing as a gentle crest on the sand. This kind of wave will not catch or knock anyone over who had their backs turned. It will not threaten to drag anyone who was playing idly by the shore out to sea. It comes in and softly caresses the shore, leaving it smoother and cleaner.

This is what I hope to do in this post. Be a gentle wave.

There is so much on my heart and in my head as the year draws to a close. Most years past, I have written about the Hope of  New in a New Year. But somehow, this year, that's not forthcoming.  Instead, I want to offer some of my thoughts this year about several subjects that always occupy me, and perhaps they occupy you too.

So this blog is about the wind and forces of God this year - in my thoughts. As a person with an active mind, I always have some new and unfinished thinking going on. I confess that they aren't always what I call 'high, holy or happy' - the ditty I used to help my son apply Philippians 4v8:

"... brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things"

We like to think that our thoughts are private, shy or secretive affairs. But they aren't. Although no one can read our minds or really tell our thoughts, they become public eventually because thoughts are the words and actions that are waiting to emerge. Indeed, the world is constantly shaped by thoughts that are being communicated, often without the actual articulation of the thought.

A relationship isn't going anywhere because the thoughts about it aren't.
That problematic situation doesn't improve because the thoughts about it are unchanged.
A dream doesn't transpire because the thoughts have not moved from ideal to action.

We are able to think ourselves into traps, corners and caves. I have enough thought experience by now that I can rather quickly tell of I am following a thought down a trail that is dark and disabling. Some lead to familiar trails that seem comfortable but are really discouraging and lead to a miry bog. When these happen, it usually ends up that I speak and act and serve muddy pies rather that life-giving delights.

Humans are presumably the only creatures in Kingdom Animaliae that can examine our thoughts.

So I want to learn to think my thoughts in God's grand presence. This means taking my thoughts to the Light and letting what is really happening be revealed. At times I have to question a thought that comes and then decide if I will bother with it. At other times, the synapses fire away so quickly, I have to check it against His Word and allow his forces of truth and grace to chisel away so that the edifices they become are more noble than otherwise.

So here are some of my hopefully, Light-infused thoughts on several subjects close to my heart.

I am writing this for myself. As you read it, I hope it works like a gentle wave that comes upon you and leaves your heart and mind feeling better. You are welcome to share it, highlighting the bits you found useful or meaningful.


A] 'Perfect' Parenting

A young adult who teaches Secondary School was talking with me about parenting. She concedes that it is really hard in a society like Singapore where we have been raised on a narrative of "win or lose it all". For the longest time, the older generation of politicians have been telling us how vulnerable we are, the need to plug into the world and be open to the gales of change, how we need to keep paddling to stay afloat. Socially, this has spurned the famous kiasu culture, where there is a fear of losing out. In a largely consumer world, this tallies nicely with another set of value: "get the most for whatever you pay". Successful bargains and great deals are a point of pride.... "Only forty dollars!"

No wonder parenting is so tough.

We need to capture and maximise our child's potential. We must not lose out, but have to grab all those opportunities. We have to get to that mega sale. Did that article say 'prebiotic'?

All of it requires energy, time, and money. The last one itself, money, requires substantial time and energy to generate! It will be great if we can decide that one enrichment class, a birthday party and a new outfit during Chinese New Year were enough. But we don't know where the finishing line is. New products and classes are always been advertised.

Yet deep in our souls, we still feel like we owe our children something. We simply cannot ensure their happiness or their success. Many women also struggle with mom-guilt at being away from home due to work.



We are driven by fear.

The funny thing is, children are happy when life has a structure and the parents are happy. It's really quite simple. But we have buried this simple thing under layers and layers of needs, demands, expectations and discontent. Our fears and worries do not a happy home or child make!

Things tend to atrophy when not actively tended to (fires die down, interest wanes, muscles weaken), then someone must take charge to build up the children and that includes building a home that has structure and peace.

That aside, 'perfect' parenting can happen if we stick to one other simple rule: respond to the child you have, not the one you wished you have. We are called to raise our children, not our dreams.

At some point, our kids will challenge our proud parent moments and make them feel like so much empty froth. They don't like to read, struggle to sit still, soil their pants at five, are awkward and shy, aren't athletic, have a fear of the water, gag on their vegetables. This is before they are a bundle of angst, question your authority and integrity, sulk and talk back!

I think the perfect parent is the one who will take a step back and look realistically at the situation, find strength in God, say "this too is a gift", and courageously head on to deal with it patiently and sacrificially.

Being child-centric is not creating a world that revolves around the child's whims and tantrums. It is a commitment to get to know your child and build a world that supports his humanity and his growth as a person first, then some possible talent or occupation. Being child-centric actually requires us to be family-centric too, for a child by design, is born into a system and thrives when the system is functional and healthy.



B] 'Perfect' church

Phil and I are very privileged to be friends with, and work with so many churches in Singapore and a few in the region. It gives us insights and a bird's eye view of things.

The church in Singapore has seen growth in the last few decades but now confront some serious challenges. We are seeing a generational divide as the millennials grow up in a vastly different world than us. Some are disenfranchised with the church. New churches have sprung up. We have serious cultural and theological conundrums, from gender issues to family discipleship.

They used to say that if you do the same things, you get the same results. I suspect that if we do the same things, we may not get any results.

It is time to consider our ways, examine our philosophy and broaden our understanding.

The church is in need of renewal.

We need to find a way for people to encounter God, to dig the Word, to be embedded in community, to be exercised in meaningful engagement with society. We need to create a way for leadership development and succession and mission expressions that are more organic. We need champions for each of this. Yet, we need a way that won't see us running all over the place, with loyalties and commitment stretched too thin to really matter.

We need brave men and women and institutions who will confront the tough stuff, and thankfully we do have them!

Online realities have emboldened many to share emotional wounds, and we  need a way for those who are seeking and are hurt to find healing. It's hard to start over in a new community, yet this is exactly what is needed. We need to help our people be more resilient and accepting of the tough stuff of community, including embracing those who need a great deal of care and patience before they turn a corner and mature.

We are being challenged to stop turning to programs, and to start being the people of God.

Seeking our definition as as people will be an ongoing journey. Our identity is lived out in context. We are loving, pure, gracious, Christlike as we respond to our situations. Our calling and impact too is worked out in context. Hence the tendency we have to hark back to a time where the church was pristine is a rather immature approach. We can and must certainly examine Scripture to see the qualities that the first disciples had. Their radical faith, courage, commitment and witness must be our compass. We need to ask how these qualities of the faith-life are to be nurtured and lived out today in our settings.

The people of God is a fascinating mix of maturity, talents, convictions and expressions. Our unity and one-ness is found in the deeper regions of the mystery of our faith: that Christ has saved us and lives in us. It is this one Christ that is our unity. Today, there is much to divide the people of God. The LGBTQ issue, Israel, Trump, and I hear of old wars regarding hymns and choruses being revisited! Let's face it, centrifugal forces are always at work. The faster we spin, the easier we fly outwards, away from centre and each other.

We need to stop being slaves to efficiency, quick answers and fast solutions.

If a plant has a sore, is a little shaky or has suffered, we do not drown it with more water, overwhelm it with fertilizer or simply re-pot it. It is needing some tender, loving care. That is exactly what the head of the church wants to do. He needs many husbandman who are willing to be his eyes, mouth, hands and feet.


C] 'Perfect' Peace

Soul, are you well?

This question can feel like an invitation, an interrogation or a threat. It all depends on how you hear it.

The person who must measure up feels a threat, suggesting he does not.
The person who has been dodgy feels like he is being searched.
The person who knows that he is welcome and his soul is a treasure hears tenderness.

The shape and texture of our Christianity matters.

Some are habitually thankful, some are constantly worrying, some are like yo-yo's. But of course we only see what's apparent. I am mostly thankful, but I do worry, and emotionally I have my yo-yo moments for sure.

During a personal retreat, I decided to do a little artwork. The first thing that I wanted on the paper was a thick red line. Not usually one given to invoke the blood of Christ, I found myself somehow relating that line to the blood that was shed for my salvation. Along and around the line, I drew trails and paths I had taken. Some seem pretty straightforward, some meandered and plunged and one or two thinned out because I had no idea where they led. It seemed the thick red line flowed right through it all and in a way called it all back and held it all.

This is peace - that He holds the pieces.

Since I keep forgetting this truth, I need to remind my soul often of it. But it's not a mind-over-matter exercise, because in the end, our minds really do matter because they have several tendencies that can undermine us. We like to think the same thoughts, it's comforting for us. So worries begat worries. We seek out information that confirms what we think, again it's comforting for us. So doubts and suspicion are easily reinforced.

So simply to tell ourselves to quit worrying is like trying to speak gently into a swell. There's an entire chorus going on in our heads that will drown out our good intentions and earnest declarations.

In my upcoming book, I will share how silence is the key to disrupt our minds and lay out new tracks for our thought-trains. But because we awake with thoughts and basically never really stop thinking, the Bible has called us to be intentional about what we think on. With that, I end this piece on my thoughts, about thoughts:

In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. (Good News Bible)

Consider the fruit of this over time, for your family life, your church, and the state of your soul. May we be more perfect* in 2018!



*perfection is a Wesleyan theological idea, of being made more like Christ. 

The rot of Impatience

I want patience,
and I want it now!

Did you chuckle? This was a popular preacher's get-some-laughs line whenever the topic was Patience. But it's a joke that still works today.

Patience is hard, and our fast-paced, efficient society filled with conveniences makes it harder. We are used to quick and quicker. But the price we pay with our souls and our relationships are evident. So we see the pushback with mindfulness, meditation, the slow movement and so on.


I really am curious to know statistically how many people are truly more calm, patient and happier with so much spa, retreats and yoga going on everywhere.

But what's the big deal with a lil impatience?  A lot.

For starters, it's pretty much grump to be around someone who is irritable and convey that they cannot wait to move on to the next thing.

Impatience breeds many woes:

communication breakdowns
suspicion
bad decisions

These in turn can lead to burnt bridges, broken hearts, shattered relationships and regrets that sap hope and faith for the future.

Singapore news has been hogged a fair bit the last few years by our train system. We had trains that stopped mid-tracks, didn't stop at stations, announced wrong information, and most recently, flooded with heavy rains causing a massive twenty hour outage. People called for heads to roll. The company offered the unusual move of amnesty in order to surface the reason for the flooding. Parliament talked about it.

Naturally for a modern economy, train failures supposedly cost us. It's inefficient and creates a lot of inconvenience (those words again) and extra work.

Who doesn't like a well-oiled system that never fails?

(As an aside, if we cling to these values, we will capitulate to machines very soon. They are after all, more predictable as long as there is power).

The train debacle revealed that there are cultural and systemic issues. Among other things, this means that along the way, decisions were made and protocols were created that did not make sense or did not really work well. Could it have been Impatience at work?

So is it a case of Impatience breeding issues which we now want to impatiently resolve? Hmm....

Meanwhile back at home base,  I see the effects of Impatience up close on a daily basis.

Isn't the dh going to say goodbye?
When is she going to do the dishes she agreed to wash?
Hasn't the timer gone off, and the fella is still Minecrafting?

Impatience when activated, routinely call for reinforcements known as Raised Voice and Routine Arguments.

So my tone and volume goes up a little. No response. It goes up a little more.... and at times, this leads to the scenario where the unwashed dishes now become 'when are you going to be responsible' kind of talk which can become a cultural and systemic issue!

If I am not careful, my soul caves into anxiety and anger along with the impatience. The relationship then gets coloured by such episodes and the entire atmosphere at home can change.

This is the rot of Impatience.

We get so quick at sizing up situations, labeling them and judging them. But lives and loves take time.

Each life and each relationship and each situation has its own timing for development and fruition.

Jesus asked us to consider the lilies of the field. That's not the easiest thing to do! We reduce that to 'take time to smell the roses' and by that, we mean a quick, token whiff that is an insult to all roses and their magical fragrances.

The lilies' splendor and beauty comes in their time.

Jesus says even the wisest and richest king could not arrange for such an array. Woe be the day we engineer everything to suit our time! The rot will be endemic then, and I shudder to consider the price we will pay for it.

For those who are serious about the spiritual life, every generation and every cultural milieu poses soul threats.
Post-modern living has a way of conforming our souls to a small restricted space as everything careens and spins on. The solid core that should hold us and keep us robust is weak and un-exercised.

We live on borrowed manna from others. We survive and cope, rather than thrive. We are a jangle of nerves. We are breathless. The core of our being is eaten up by the demands and the rot of impatience gnaws away from the fringes inwards. We lose sight of why we are so busy and anxious, and don't have the time to find out.

When I sense the rot of Impatience, I have found that two things stop the infection. First, holding my tongue. Second, choosing trust.

These two are impossible to do unless I can go to God regularly and let my tongue roll, where the questions, concerns and anxieties are unloaded. It's a heart dump of sorts. Then I need to know my Scripture, for nothing secures trust like the Lord's eternal word. I let the words sink a little deeper, I pray them, I write them down, I sing them. So I can trust that although things may not seem to be the way I like them, I can continue to sow and wait for the harvest.

Then I see in my imagination, something like spring visiting a frozen heart, life coming back in and hope arising.

I may text the dh a tender greeting.
I may just do the dishes.
I may ask why the game is so interesting.

Or

I may text a reminder that ends with a funny gif.
I may focus on something good.
I may wave a little note that says 'time's up!'.

Because growth takes time. A life takes a lifetime. And we don't need the rot of Impatience to ruin it.


What triggers your impatience?
What builds your patience?

Do you have a Q for Jenni? Email it to: johhuan@gmail.com [if it will bless others, she may share it while you remain anonymous].

You are the best parents for your child(ren): of P.S.L.E., Pain, and Purpose

Nothing gets us through like Purpose.

Viktor Frankl survived the Holocaust and went on to produce his groundbreaking pyschotherapeutic method, because he realised that a sense of purpose is what made his suffering bearable.

The suffering I am about to describe is certainly pale in comparison, but it is nonetheless real for nearly forty thousand children* and their parents: the Primary School Leaving Examination (yes, the dreaded PSLE) where twelve year-olds take standardised tests which results in where they get to go on to next in the educational maze.

Being Asian and living in a society where our state leaders are constantly reminding us of about how "no one owes us a living" (yes, that's a line in our National Education), underneath our sparkly exterior and world-class airport, is a nervous rumination: what if.

What if my kid does not do well?

God forbid. So the frenzy:
- to find out how the exams are structured and scored
- to diagnose where the kid is not making it
- to find the absolute solution that will turn things around/ pump things up so that an A is a given

I admitted in earlier posts (see below) that I too got sucked into the frenzy.

Seriously, it is a vortex, and forgive me for being a tad skeptical because I don't think there are parents (except those who should be charged for negligence) who would not agonize over this transition.

Despite our persistent efforts to reassure our little fella, he piped up during one dinner: "This is so important, it's going to determine the rest of my life!". Yes, incredulous. The school has succeeded, or should I say the system.

Over the months of being bombarded by Facebook ads about Tutors and Coaches who guarantee jumps in grade, going through his work at school, emailing teachers (who do not always reply), and dealing with my son's lack of motivation, anger outbursts and dyslexia, I was finding it really exhausting and pointless. The latter added to the sense of weariness, for both of us. The father who is trying to be 100 percent involved (as a busy working man can) helped but also created more work in a way. I had to explain and discuss and decide with someone who doesn't always see things my way. This is the necessary spill over effects of any major undertaking + a marriage-at-work.

Over the many sessions of silencing the cacophony of fear, anxiety, frustration and tiredness, I realised that if I was finding this quite overwhelming as an adult, my child is probably feeling worse. This was when I decided that Purpose needed to rescue us all.


So what is the point of this PSLE thing?

Of course, there is the overarching reality that life involves work. A good friend reminded us that we live for God's glory and live out our seasons with this orientation. These are message we transmit. But we also needed something more concrete and specific for this exam season.

With my son, grades would really not be a good thing to shoot for. He has exam anxiety and his overall performance is simply inconsistent. He wasn't mature enough for it.

We have many close heart-to-heart conversations. Already we had assured him that grades were not that important. But we all know "doing your best" is hard to measure. So we decided that for him, this will be a rite of passage for his maturity. This is going to be a period of a few months where he will grow, specifically, to be more structured and focused.

For a child with ADHD and dyslexia. these are huge challenges. So I pared it down to as specific details as I could for each subject (and trust me, I never knew I could do this!). Progress was slow, but he worked at them. We could not cover alot of ground in one day because we lacked the stamina, so I made the difficult decision to let him step down his second language, which would fill us with some uncertainty. But I knew that growing to be more able to spot his own flaws, take responsibility, create solutions and put in sustained effort is what helps him turn from boy to young man.

It was not an onward, upward journey. We dipped. Towards the actual exam week, he lost steam. But his growth is evident. I surrounded him with positive reinforcements from Scripture to posters to treats. We planned post-exam celebrations and "top things to do".

On the second last day of his exam, my back protested by locking up in excruciating spasms. I could not even take him to lunch and a playdate after his final paper! What a bum. Thankfully, his classmate's mom gamely took the few of them out, and he came home with a bright smile.

But it was a mom in constant pain that greeted him.

The last few days were the marking days for the PSLE and he did not have to report to school. Without the momma-commanding officer in action, he chilled a lot! He also did chores and went with me to the doctor's, to lunch and to the pool. He learnt to feed the cat and clean up after it.

We had many more conversations. As I listened to him and watch how his frame is growing lanky, his hands now larger than mine, I realised he is turning into a young man-to-be. My heart swelled with joy to hear his wisdom, his probing questions, his crazy humour, and his take charge exclamations such as, "Mom, you should definitely take the X-ray!".

Just over the weekend, we sat down and talked about the options for education that lay ahead. We had at first thought we would choose for him and just prevail over him about it, but I can hear the wheels turning in his head and the concerns of his heart, and I think he will make the choice with us supporting it.

Most of all, there is a Person who bestows Purpose and watches over our steps. This little verse which we used to sing in Sunday School has been ringing in my heart:

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

    He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will never fall,

    for the Lord holds them by the hand. ~ Psalm 37v23-24, New Living Translation

Enjoy this oldie: The Steps of a good man by Jack Marti

What gives you Purpose for what you are going through now?
What purpose do you offer your children for going through a massive exam?

Related posts:
The confession earlier
The PSLE blues first time round
Power & powerlessness in mothering


*taken off MOE data from 2015

Standing when the darkness sweeps in

"1 dead, 19 injured after crash"

This is the sort of news that is becoming routine in our world today.  Here, a car barreled into non-violent protesters. We would link it to a terror attack, except this is not. It happened in the US of A - the land of the free and brave.

Some say it is getting darker. Most deplore the darkness. Some evil seem so obvious, like ISIS.

Many are eager to expect others to condemn and speak up. We look to leaders, spiritual and political to hand out answers and police the situations. But the news essentially never changes.

We need to keep praying for courageous leaders to emerge. Power is an attractive thing, and the good are often not drawn to it.









Other influencers, educated, powerful men and women, can become blind to the darkness in their hearts so that the darkness in each connects and coagulates and becomes a huge blob that snuffs out sense and light.

We need to pray for philosophies and practices that are driven by greed and fear to dismantle.


But it isn't just the folks who rule. 




Each of us is a little kingdom to our self, and we each have influence, often greater than we ever considered.














The Bible tells us that darkness lurks in all our hearts. With the speed of information spread today, and little time for journalists to do deep research, many of us are agreeing too quickly on shaky facts, and often we are adding to the vitriol. Much of it seem harmless: voicing our opinions, defending our positions, highlighting our preferences.

This is why any teaching that does not call each of us to account for our thoughts and deeds is far from the truth, and will never enable us to grow into our calling to be peacemakers.

From systemic darkness to personal demons, there is a way to understand this:

"...the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient...gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts." ~ Ephesians 2v2-3

It is personal.

There is a personality behind darkness.

This is the personality of actual human leaders. It is also the personality of a sinister and strong force that is against all that is light, good, truth, hope.

It is an opportunistic being that weighs in on our human ambition, the desire for revenge, payback for injustice suffered, our need for recognition and applause.... riding on what seems reasonable, the darkness embeds into our souls. When given time to grow beneath the surface, it can erupt as rage, murder, rampage, genocide.

We under-estimate the reality of darkness and ignore the forces of evil that lurk beyond our physical senses, to our peril.

The Bible does not whitewash this harsh reality. It refers to moments and a cataclysmic time:

"when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." ~ Ephesians 6v13

Has a day of evil come upon you?
There will be dark and incredibly difficult days ahead.

Thankfully, we are asked to do what we can: stand.

There are days when evil can come suddenly to plow us down.

At such times, all that is required of us is to stay standing.


Recently I was at a passing out parade of several platoons of soldiers. The parade wasn't very long, but I remember my own days when I loved to march as a member of the Girls' Brigade. The pride of marching however, dissipated quickly when the sun beat down, we felt thirsty, our stomachs growl and our legs begin to buckle. Only two things kept us standing: knowing we could not walk away, and trusting that we can actually do this or the officers would not require it of us.

Will we walk away when it gets hard?
Do we trust that the tough times are still a part of God's good and perfect will?

It seems to me, as old songs have a tendency to float back into my consciousness unbidden these days, that we took these challenges far more seriously in the past. We had songs like "this world is not my home, I'm just a passing through". But some of our luxuriant homes and lifetsyles (pastors included) makes me wonder if we have not sold our passport to heaven coz' it's just got so good here on earth.

Sir Glubb's* prescient essay about the rise and fall of great nations names 'the good times' as that which undermines our ability to stand and stay true, and so to give way. Wealth and ease weaken us.


God actually has a strategy for this, which we need to recapture in our homes and churches.

1] Accountability for personal growth: unless we will be open and vulnerable, we cannot help shine light and dispel darkness. How many are feeling lost, lonely, afraid. far from God - even as they may go through the motions of faith?

2] Contemplation for spiritual resilience: unless we fill our hearts and minds with things above, all of our senses will hold us hostage. How many are battling emotions and thoughts that weigh them down and cause confusion and a loss of vision for life?

3] Encourage each other: this is not merely gathering together to reinforce our platitudes such as "God is good, all the time". It is a serious effort to share our possessions and resources so that we can together enjoy God's bounty towards our needs. How many are struggling to make ends meet and wondering if God has chosen not to bless them?

This A.C.E. strategy is very hard to teach and implement. Yet it is also really very simple and powerful. The best place to start is to live it ourselves, in increasing measure.

And then, we must pray for our leaders in all fields, so that we may live our lives with godliness and dignity.


Sir Glubb's essay as referenced on Today paper