I want to dream on...

I have always been a dreamer.
When I was in Primary four, and the teacher had called my name several times and failed to get my attention, she said to the whole class, "Yim Tee is a dreamer". Then she promptly shifted me to the back of the class to be left to my dreaming!

I grew up harboring many dreams in my heart. Some of it was plain necessary as we were poor and i was one of a large brood. I dreamt of running away from home to a different life where there will be toys, a pony and good food... to a place like Sesame Street where people smiled kindly and large puppets, funny and grouchy were your neighbours.

I dreamt of becoming somebody important, like a doctor who saves lives. A singer who is clothed in glamour. At times, i trimmed my dreams to fit my circumstances. Perhaps i could be satisfied with selling roast meat rice, being an air-stewardess, or just getting married ...to someone richer.

But when I was eight, I said a prayer to ask Jesus to be my best friend. Since then, another heart seemed to beat within my bosom. By the time, I had listened to my Sunday school teacher teach us about God's great big world and the perishing millions; a new dream begin to unfold within me. I was going to serve God.

Perhaps due to my humble circumstances, I never really harboured grandiose ideas though I had asked for millions to rid the world of some of its poverty. {did not get it}.

Now nearly forty years on - God's dream for me remains still a few steps beyond me. It's a reaching-for-it that seems to matter to God. There were times when doubts crashed over me and threatened to keep me submerged in the mighty waters of fear, regret and anxiety.

I have had many long months of crying over losses, wondering over what-ifs, angry, frustrated, and just plain frightened. Yet, God holds me still. I have seen my smaller dreams come true as He continues to deftly cut off, fold and shape my heart and my circumstances. I have been sustained and even felt celebrated as God's gifts and goodness continues to enter my life.

I have become a pastor out of obedience and found such deep joy it was like coming home. I am a stay-home-mom out of my convictions and have discovered possibly my favourite job in the world. I have faced my many pains as a woman and suprised myself that God's healing grace in me reaches out to other women. I have followed my husband and moved churches and gained such precious friends along the way. I have written books and now have a longing to fill my bog with biblical insights to teach and reach.

I am still reaching-for. My dream is nothing less than to know God, live His Kingdom out loud and build a movement that will shake up the world! It's way too crazy-big and beyond me and I have come to realize that it isn't up to me to see it comes to pass even though each day i need to work hard at what comes and prayerfully try to anticipate what's around the bend.

Most days, I find huge gaping holes in my motive, action and mood! But Grace has constantly held me together and I have learnt there is a bubbling little brook of Joy that refreshes me though the days can get dreary, discouraging and even downright dark.

In a way, God-sized dreams are precisely that: God-sized!  I'm a really tiny person but the Spirit of God lives in me so I guess there's a way it shall all come together.

DOUBT - the good, the bad, the ugly

This is meant for all of us who struggle with doubts. About God. About where our life is headed, who is really in-charge, whether we are really making a difference...

Doubts are here to stay because we have a mind that loves connections. Our brain is made of millions of tiny neurons (hence neurotic) and they love to reach across and go zap!
Doubts are here to stay because we love closure and hence a sense of completion or control - but so much of life goes on and on. Our faith is jumpy at times, our work issues keep coming, our children never 'finally grow up', our finances are never enough (hmmmm..why)...
Doubts are here to stay because we cannot see, touch and struggle to hear God (is it really Him?).

In fact, today, i got this download about doubts and i so here it is. Doubts come from 3 places and thus they can be good, bad, or ugly.

Distant Doubts
are the bad doubts that arise because we have some unfinished business within our hearts. These are the doubts that trip us, stall us and slow us. We wonder if we are on the right track. We get nervous, agitated, often we may blame others.

John the Baptist when he was in prison had a moment of such doubts. He knew he was going to die. But he also knew his life was about preparing the people to meet the Saviour. He would only have succeeded if the Saviour had come. Jesus was his cousin. Could he really be the One?
So from prison, he sends word to Jesus, "are you the one?".
John was wise to voice his doubt. Jesus gave him the answer: the evidence is everywhere John, you don't have to doubt!

Martha had doubts too about Jesus. Is he balanced and does he really care? Her agenda for hospitality was so very important to her; but from her words, i feels like she has not yet embraced it as a gift. It was more the 'right thing to do'. No wonder, she got fed up with her sister who sat around not helping her out!
Martha voiced her doubt with no small tinge of frustration. Her famous line was actually an accusation, "Don't you care Jesus that Mary has left all the work to me?"  Most of us have said this before! We ask God why he seems not to notice our challenges. At heart we have not accepted that they are a part of God's plan for our lives. We want them 'zapped' and fixed -our way -and soon please.

Both John and Martha could have lost faith, given up, wallowed in the mire of doubt. Thankfully, they lifted their doubts to God and received their answers and were set right.

Denomic Doubts
are direct lies and ideas planted into our hearts and minds by our enemy.  They typically lead to a unhealthy self-focus with a sense of dread, condemnation and fear. It can be an accusation that makes us run away from God because we doubt we will be accepted. It can be rabbit trails of distraction from simple faith that come masked as questions.

These doubts tend to make us grow cold, insensitive to truth and entrenched in a posture of faithlessness. Often it comes with the need to have human approval.

The Pharisees were unaware that they had been letting these doubts of God enter their hearts for years. In their bid to provide spiritual leadership, they had become cold, calculative and even heartless.

As i think about it, i empathize somewhat with them. God's silence over the years cannot be an easy thing. It is not easy to keep faith and provide leadership when your people - God's chosen - are the world's frozen; trampled by the Romans.

They needed to know a deeper dependence upon God but because their heart's inclination was to grasp power and influence and prosper on the backs of the people; they ended up coming under the rule of the enemy. Jesus revealed their true state when he says they serve their father the devil.

But - there are surprises. Nicodemus was one of these leaders. But he stands apart from them for he did not let his doubts sink such deep roots because he had a desire for truth. We may tease him for his clandestine night-time visit to Jesus, but at least he took his questions to God; and of course, he received his answers {not without some serious soul search on his part!}

Divinely grace-d doubts
happen when we take our questions to God. Eventually, we realise like Job that it is not God who accounts to us; but the other way around. God holds us and begins to ask us deeper questions. He helps us sort through the labyrinth of worry, anxiety, fear, contradictions. He pegs our thoughts down with His Word and we see a tent spread unfold and take shape that becomes a shelter for us and others in the storm.
God wants to strengthen our faith and convictions. God brings us to a place of worship and surrender. God renews our faith.

Don't be afraid of those doubts and questions. They will come. But take them to God. Check them carefully to see where they have come from. Reject the lies. (Did God really say..?) by getting familiar with the truth (God's promises and principles). Spend much time journaling and talking with God. And - listen, learn to listen. The muddied water will settle in time and you will see what you need to. Then get up and follow in faith!

A strong cord of Joy to string your days

You know those famous words of old man Nehemiah -
"the joy of the LORD is your strength"

Most of the times I have heard it referred to, i get a vague sense that joy is related to strength and i feel strong for precisely two minutes because I have a way of leaking joy and losing strength.

So i decide to check. Are we mis-using Scripture? Are we missing some gem? If there's a way to be strong in my days, i sure want it.

i thought-prayed. i read. i asked.

A 3-part scrutiny:  Joy / Joy of the LORD / Strength



Joy is a God attribute. It does not originate from earth. The word is distinct from 'pleasure' which is the proper word for when we see, feel, taste or experience something temporal that brings a smile and a sense of satisfaction. Pleasure however is a glimpse of joy. Psalm 16 famously tells us that joy in its fullness is found in one place, or rather one Person: God Himself.

God is Joy, not kill-joy! {what an awful distortion and lie}

Christians, who are God's children, will over time mature in joy. It is the Father's character and being flowering in his children's lives.

God is Joy. God is also joyful - over certain things. Jesus mentioned the wild vive joie  of the father who hikes up his coat and runs to welcome his prodigal's return. The entire mood of the coming of the Saviour is one of great joy - God is excited about His Son coming to earth to save us. God is joyous about what he is up to and He invites us to share His joy!

We find joy and grow joyful as we relate to our Father God. Day by day, he infuses more of Himself into our being.

We find joy as we take upon our hearts what is upon His. If we take up His cause and join in His plan. Old man Nehemiah's words in fact come from this take. The people were listening to the Law and beginning to look at their failures and feel sorry and sad. But to God, his people's hard labour of rebuilding the wall, their coming together to hear the Law, the turning of their hearts God-ward is all joy! So they are to take their eyes off themselves and share in God's joy over them!

Each time you en-joy life's gifts, remember it is a doorway to the God who is joy and who invites you to join in His joy over life.

EN(ter) into JOY.

This is how Joy becomes a strong cord and holds you together, keeps you strong through the storms in the coming days.