You are the best parents for your child(ren): this thing about Legacy...

She turned 18 yesterday.

She says, "it's just another day".
The law says, "Now young lady, you may purchase alcoholic beverages and smoke and drive".
Her friends say, "time for a surprise, cards, gifts!"

Her parents, yes me and the dh, are predicatably busy and we took her to lunch with some friends who are staying with us. She shared a main course with me, didn't even need some special birthday dish of her own.



This morning, she let me read a couple of sweet cards her friends wrote her. Not to be outdone, I wrote her one, declaring it Da Best Card eva!

Someone wisely said:

we are not leaving a legacy for, we are leaving a legacy in our children.

To leave a legacy for amounts to storing up treasure to hand down. But a legacy you leave in someone, is a part of them, forever. I choose the latter (not to mention the former is a bit paltry).

Honestly, turning 18 must be a big deal. But we are tired from a busy month of work and had guests in the house. She has been studying hard for her upcoming exams...and told us not to go to any expense (see comment above).

I was feeling a tad guilty, wondering if I should have done more. I will ask her again if there is more we can do. For now, I turn to gratitude (far better than guilt friends!).

Then I realised something, as my memory kicks in.

Her birthday is for me (it sounds horribly selfish until you read on please).

The last few months, there have been very significant conversations and happenings. Even as I write this, God is giving me a birthday special for the last 18 years by showing me glimpses of who my daughter is becoming and what I have sown into her life all these years. I'll just share a few:


Simplicity
Last month when I was cleaning out some stuff, I took out a large box where I had kept items from their earliest days: first shoe, first dress from grandma, a favourite book... The daughter took one look and said, "Mom, give them away!".  When she was 13, I thought to take her shopping for clothes, coz most of the growing years we lived on hand-me-downs and purchases by me. After two hours of milling around, we bought two tee-shirts from Giordano and decided that talking over ice-cream was more fun.


Spiritual hunger
More than once, she comes to me with tears, wondering why God feels distant and is silent. I want to bang on God's door to demand passage for her. But he knows the journey she must take. It's a journey that began with spiritual sensitivity even at a tender age. She responded to an altar call at age three, writing to ask for the Holy Spirit. She had prophetic dreams. Then her conscience and her brains took centre-stage as she debated the merits of the faith. Yes this one who asked questions since age seven:

"Isn't it God's fault for putting the tree there in the first place?"
"How can anyone be good enough for heaven?"
"What if it's a hoax?"

We discussed, debated and opened up books and our own lives to her.

I opted for her to do a study program that is broader and she went to a Catholic school. More questions!


Sensitivity
Thankfully she does not seem to have my melancholy, but she is very sensitive to the moods, atmosphere, needs and vibes of people and situations. She is the in-house psychologist who makes us take online personality tests so we can put each other in boxes, reminds her parents to go on dates, and worries her little head off about her kid brother who is totally unlike her, and seriously beyond her depth as a result.


She is also many things I am not and I am amazed.

Tactical
Persistent
Strong-willed
Winsome
Artistic
Athletic

She can clean better than me, take incredible photos, knit and soothe fussing children.

Ok, I still cook better.

When she was still a toddler, God told me he had entrusted an all-rounder to me, and I wondered how I would raise someone like that, my own strengths being quite limited. Quickly, I learnt that parenting is an enterprise best embarked on with God at the helm. At every turn, he assured, assisted and amazed me with His wisdom, gifts and goodness.

We had difficult times.
I made countless mistakes.
Patience wore thin on occasions.

God parented me while I parented her, for sure.

With this birthday reflection piece, I am humbled at how God grew me as a person through my parenting journey.

God also parented her, and in fact He is moving centre-stage as the perfect Parent she needs.

Yes, when reminiscing, it is true we will have a positive bias. It's not a bad thing if it inclines us to gratitude and puts hope in our hearts!

18. Having struggled and surmounted not a few mountains, it feels goo to be able to say that I have grown up with the kids. Now it's time to grow wide and older with them. (O wait, I still have a 12 year-old who is currently playing Minecraft. Tune in for his story!).


Your turn:

What glimpses of God are you getting through your parenting?Where do you see yourself in your children?How can you intentionally impart a legacy that will honour God and serve them well for the world they are to steward?

You can read more about my journey with her here:

The power of planning
It's a wild ride, enjoy it!
Media addictions
the war you must win!
How to bless your children

For all my posts of parenting, type 'parenting' in the search box on the right!

You are the best parents for your child(ren): what if our children are "maid in Singapore" products, & the future of Singapore.

Which came first? The child or the maid?

I am teasing (although I know there is serious planning that goes into this sequence, and for good reason) but this is a serious subject about our economy, our reflexes and our future.

The rhetoric in our bones: We cannot afford to lag behind, lose, get lost in a rapidly changing world. This sounds logical enough and frightening enough to keep us all marching to its beat. Our wondrous progress and all-around affluence attest to it, and we are loathe to 'downgrade', naturally.

We all get used to things, to our lifestyles; and our expectations and sense of entitlement keep us strapped to the treadmill.

I did not have live-in help at first. Then I did. Now I have part-time help. So I have experienced the range.

All the issues relating to finding, training and living with a stranger won't be the subject here. But two stories will suffice to make a point:

With my firstborn, our world revolved fairly between us and the people who came and went: grandparents, friends, neighbours, people needing a listening ear or help. I had every incentive to train her towards independence and ownership fast! I abide by the rule: if she can take it out, she can put it back. Packing, cleaning, and arranging were often done together, and turned into a game. By age five, she washed her own pair of white shoes that she wore to kindergarten each weekend. When we moved to a larger flat, she was in charge of the back toilet. I would hand her a scrub, a rag and a small amount of soap detergent. Her toilet was consistently cleaner than mine. She did not fuss, she did not whine, she did not protest and cry it was unfair.

I embraced the ordinary that needed to be done each day, the repetitive that makes a life and a home possible. Bed making, meal preparation, bedtime routines, prayer, conversations about everything. This is a quiet and insistent way of saying that life is a gift, God has blessed us, and we are able to build a life that is purposeful and joyful.

To be fair, my mother came by once a week and her presence and cooking abilities made a huge difference. The inter-generational teamwork, mutual delight, and sharing in the fruit of her labours brought a special warmth, even if that having another person also means more attention and relationship dynamics to negotiate.

We waited five long years for the next child. A beloved church community bade us welcome and I took on an official portfolio. We loved the community and the work was exciting, until it hit a very serious snag. That was when I conceived my son.

As my back has been weak due to an accident, my mother solemnly insisted that I hire a maid. This meant that my son now grew up in a completely different way. It also meant an end practically to all the usual chores my daughter did.

Between sorting out my work, re-learning parenting, being an employer for the first time, preparing my girl for school, I shifted from visionary mode to survival mode.

I tried to stick to my rule that if "they can toddle, they can clear"... but it was hard to enforce. I was more tired than before, and it was enough to default to getting the maid to do it. Both my children were fussy eaters, and my son also did not have my attention the way my girl did. We were so busy we did not realise he was becoming underweight until he was hospitalised and the doctor wanted to tube feed him!

What is truly instructive is this undeniable reality: we truly shape the lives of our children. 

The question is, what are they the products of?
Our busyness, our ambition, our lack of harmony, our relinquishment to maids?


As our ministers argue for a new narrative for Singapore, I want to ask this Q:

How successful are we: in terms of families staying together, mental health, meaningful employment, and social cohesion?

I also want to say this, having lived for half a century:

Life is about -

wear
wash
rinse
repeat

.... habits, repetitions and mundane stuff, far more than excitement. If we do not embrace and embody a vivre de joie regarding our daily lives, what are we left with really? A begrudging, dragging of feet, the whine that invariably escape from our pores and lips (sounds like so many of our children!)?

I suspect God gave us children precisely to yank us back to this reality. We get so carried away with our illusory sense of importance with our board meetings, coffee meet-up, start-up hungers, exotic vacations, exquisite dining experiences... that we keep needing more kick and fix to float our boats.

Babies hold us hostage with their ongoing needs and demands for security, love, comfort and an endless need to pay attention, adapt and solve problems. It is the bondage that fosters the bond of love. The strong parent-child relationships we see are all outcomes of parents who refuse to delegate these small things away, thinking they are insignificant.

My dh once remarked that he felt eminently jealous about why the kids gravitate to me so much. I wondered about it for a while, and then said matter-of-factly, "I have been their entire world. I am the face they see when they awake, the voice they hear, the touch they feel, the understanding they experience, the music, laughter, order... I feed them, clean their bottoms, read, pray, play with them... Do I need to go on?". He was suitably awakened, and a few years later tried to take my 'job' from me (but that's another story)!

Life is held up by repeat motions. Just try not showing up for work at the appointed time, messing with your meal times, refusing to talk with your friend or spouse.

That's why this Navy Seal Admiral actually said something totally brilliant when he exhorted the graduating cohort of Austin that if they want to change the world, they are to begin by making their beds!

Make your bed! (6min with subtitles)

Admiral McRaven: make your bed!

For families to stay together, we need to put up with each other. That takes forgiveness and it takes grit.
For us to be mentally robust, we need to grounded with a positive outlook daily. That takes joy and it takes grit.
For us to have meaningful employment, we need to be courageous to drop our labels and celebrate the diversity. That takes security and it takes grit.
For great social cohesion, we need to be unafraid of our differences and be willing to make sacrifices. That takes patience and it takes grit.

Grit, is about bed-making. Going at it, again and again.

As a teen, I once had such an acedic season I refused to make my bed and even lost interest in food (naturally, paying attention in class went first). It all felt pretty pointless to me. "Why make the bed if I am going to sleep in it again?" My questioning was cut short when my mom scolded me good and proper.! But also, I began to realise that a made bed is so much better to return to and rest in. twenty years later, my own teen would pose this question to me: mom, why bother? Thankfully I could answer with conviction.

Grit is taught and caught and if our children sees it in the maids and not the parents, we have lost something very profound.

Hands by Leong Kah Wai

A closely related value that we have to watch is Consumer Mentality.

This acts in direct opposition to all that we cherish: love, close and lasting relationships. meaningful work and social cohesion.

The world shifted on its axis when economics moved centre-stage and big corporations and advertising became the norm. There are so many repercussions from this, the most insidious one is a shift where we see ourselves mainly as consumers.

Here is a test for whether you do:

1. When you look at a situation, is your go-to mode of evaluation 'cost-benefit'?
2. Do you feel an emotional need to buy stuff?
3. Are you tempted to complain about service?
4. Is your response to "What a nice..",  typically, "It's only X dollars!"
5. Do thoughts of baling out of your relationships feature in your brain regularly?

Consumers are driven by the best price, being noticed for what we own or experience, expecting to be served, a sense of entitlement, a preference for a newer, faster model.

It is a very self-centred way to live.

People become evaluated based on whether they are thus useful to us or not. The scary implications and extensions of this are many indeed, especially as we begin to see each other as 'products' to be deployed, used, or discarded (for better models).

Emotionally, we feel empty
Relationally, we feel dissatisfied.
Physically, we feel drained.
Spiritually, we feel bedraggled.

We cannot have a different Singapore story, a different family life, and a different state of emotions, even if refuse to courageously ask some hard questions and seek some answers.

Come, let's think, pray and work at this together.

Please share how you 'make your bed' each day with your children over at: Simple Tips Community  and how you defy the pull to reduce you to a mere consumer over at: Truth, Beauty & Love.


And here are words of truth that will settle your soul:

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers

—most of which are never even seen—

don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? 

What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, 

so you can respond to God’s giving. 

People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, 

but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in 

God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. 

Don’t worry about missing out. 

You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, 

and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. 

God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

~ Jesus, as recorded in Matthew 6 v30-34

Anais Nin

A Prayer to My Saviour, Gd Friday 2018

We blew out the final candle

and the little boy sobbed
he felt the dark, darkness


we read how You
betrayed
accused
flogged
nailed
suffered
and love

even a stone would cry out

when i rise
from that solemn moment
in the dark
waiting for Resurrection Light

the lights flicked on
energy we create
so we can burn on when
the sun has called it a day

I soon forget
I soon forget

Gathering my crumbs of
desire,
Picking up the strands of
plans,
Setting forth the hours of
labour

As if -
they aren't tainted by sin
everyday
every moment telling me
that I need, and have a Saviour

and I am busy saving
time, effort, money, lives even

unaware
how much I need saving
from my own ideas of good
from my fright-flight mode
that yo-yo of existence

Jesus dear

How did you live those last days
knowing what you did

the disappointment when your chums would fail to pick up your pain and slept instead
the betrayal by one you till the last called a friend
the opacity of rulers
the pain of your mother

You taught the milling crowds -
Cast your eyes to the end: earthquake, persecution, terror
Once more, you beg them to sober up to their trajectory


You showed them - the master's friends
A towel and a basin are the weapons of revolution

You told them
What is coming
So eat, drink, it's my final meal

As you did this
the nard-fragrances lingers
that death-whiff no one inhales deep to shift sensibilities


Jesus dear
Dear to me
I have too
disappointed
betrayed
been opaque

So this morning
You asked me to draw near
Exhale my sin
in confession
Request Spirit-eyes to see

then Inhale
your fragrance
as you wash me clean
and hand me a towel

Dear Jesus
Save me once more.